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Chapter Sixty-seven
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Nathan's Perspective
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Having delivered Allie to the church for Youth Group and left William at the Gentlemen's Club, Nathan returned home and stirred the fire, adding another log.
Nathan chuckled to himself as he brought his journal to his desk and retrieved his stationery and fountain pen. 'Who would believe that Allie and I have hosted William Thatcher in our little cottage and served him pancakes for dinner and canned soup and cheese sandwiches for supper? I think I need to call Bill tomorrow! Or, maybe I should wait until after supper tomorrow? Bill is not going to believe this.' Nathan unfolded Elizabeth's letter.
'Actually I have to tell Bill about Lucas and about the funeral exercises too!' Shaking his head, Nathan quietly spoke aloud. "That will be a long telephone call!"
Suddenly remembering that Allie had asked him to read her letter to Elizabeth, Nathan stood and found the envelope on the dining room table. Returning to his desk, he read through, impressed.
Allie had consolidated a very busy few weeks into a lovely retelling of the exciting times they had experienced here in Regina. Nathan wasn't thrilled that she wrote such glowing reports of his activities, but he guessed it meant he didn't have to write that so maybe he should thank her. Nathan smiled, but as he came to the end of Allie's missive, he paused. Allie wrote that she forgave her teacher and explained she already had done so over many months.
Nathan's breath caught.
'I hope you understand, Mrs. Thornton, but I am glad we left Hope Valley when we did. It was very hard to watch my Dad hurting and I was confused. Dad is so much better now. Plus, as much as I miss all my friends there, I have new friends that are very special too! Dad says that sometimes relationships don't last forever and that is okay, but I still feel sad about some things that happened.'
'I hope you are feeling better now? When will you return to teaching? Please give Jack a big hug from Allie. I can just hear him saying my name now. I really love and miss him a lot. You too." Allie had signed the letter, 'Sincerely Yours.'
Nathan sat back. In spite of Allie's joy and enthusiasm about life here, there was still an undercurrent of sadness.
'Oh Elizabeth… Do you really understand what you have done?'
Returning Allie's letter to the envelope, Nathan turned to the page of his journal where he had been writing his thoughts about Elizabeth's letter. He realized this was his chance to share things she had never allowed him to say. It might be painful for him to write and her to read, but that might be the only way to move on and truly heal. Nathan paused to wonder if he should make a copy of this letter to her and decided to slip a piece of carbon paper between two pages. He would keep a copy.
'Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your many apologies and for your honesty. It was difficult to revisit all those encounters after forgiving you throughout the past few years. Once I knew the pain was gone and I was just recalling facts, I put those memories aside to preserve my peace. I tried to only think about the good times, or about how you helped with Allie… But there was so much more in our relationship, such as it was. I am returning to those difficult times in order to respond to your letter as I'm thinking this may be my opportunity to tell you my side of our encounters since you never asked (as you yourself confessed) nor stayed long enough for me to tell you. Sorry, if that sounds harsh? I am only trying to be factual and honest for both you and myself.
First, I must share that I was always aware of your presence in town. After all, watching over you and Jack was my reason to be in Hope Valley. As both a Mountie and a man, I noticed you watching me and noticed you trying to find excuses to talk to me. It was very confusing, though at times humorous. (I never told anyone specifics, but did confess my confusion to Joseph when I asked him for prayer.)
You see, I have never dated anyone. Plenty of girls flirted with me and even asked me to a dance, but I always had to decline because of my work responsibilities on the ranch. That's not to say that I didn't take a shine to a particular blue-eyed blonde long ago! Also, just so you know, I do know how to dance as I was forced to learn with my sister so she would have a practice partner. I danced at a couple school socials and at numerous Mountie Balls, plus have taught Allie to dance! All this is an aside… Sorry!
My point is that I never had time for girls and, once a Mountie, I had to guard myself from society ladies and their mothers. Then Allie's arrival in my life also eliminated dating opportunities. So, arriving in Hope Valley and interacting with you put me in a new position. (Allie's other teachers had always been spinsters, and much older!) My inexperience made me more shy than usual and I fought being interested in you. Plus, the issue of Fort Clay hung over me for a long time. While on the subject, Elizabeth, I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you. Please forgive my delay? I had always hoped that when I did tell you I could hold you and comfort you, so I waited. Obviously that didn't happen and I waited too long.
Instead, you misunderstood so much and I confess I was badly hurt and embarrassed when the entire town heard you loudly and publicly accuse me in such a demeaning manner. And you need to know this. What you did and said was reported back to Allie. She was hurt and embarrassed for me as well as for herself when questioned by her young friends who didn't understand. Allie could not discuss it, in obedience to me so, out of necessity, it was our secret for a very long time. Fortunately children move on to other subjects so Allie was grateful when the children finally stopped questioning her. Nevertheless, Allie carried a wound she has worked to heal by forgiving you and her friends. The only one she could talk to about it was me, and she felt she couldn't do that because she didn't want to hurt me all over again. She has forgiven now and I am proud beyond measure of her maturity and spiritual depth. I have and do forgive you as well, Elizabeth.
Thank you for your compliments on my parenting Allie. I have done my best under difficult circumstances. I confess I felt belittled by you giving me advice at times, although I did try to learn from the points you made and endeavored to forgive you immediately following your unsolicited input. Now it is good to know that you see beyond my failings. I would have despaired without the support of my family and some dear ones in town. I just kept doing my best with God's help and their kindness.
Thank you also, for your confessions to Allie. I am sure that couldn't have been easy to do. We are grateful you have acknowledged the confusion she felt when suddenly you withdrew from your friendship with her.
Regarding the cancelled date. I always wondered why. I knew you were not being truthful about sudden illness. I thought you rejected me because you were ashamed of me in front of an important and wealthy woman. That hurt and, yes, it was embarrassing. Had it just been me, it wouldn't have been so bad, but Allie was with us. I would have liked an explanation long before now, but I am thankful to know now. I confess I couldn't bring myself to read your book. I just couldn't. You telling me I was the inspiration doesn't entice me to read it even now. I am sorry.
Oh, how I wished you had showed interest in the promotion… I was puzzled by your words and foolishly allowed myself to have hope when you spoke of the friends I would leave behind. There is still a part of me that wishes I had accepted that offer and we had moved to Union City at that time. Both Allie and I would have been spared a lot of pain. But God still worked for me to be recognized and promoted and I am amazed at the position he opened for me here at Depot. He brought good out of that difficult time in my life.
I laughed ruefully when you described your entrance into the office as a hurricane, Elizabeth. To me it felt like a tornado. Quick, loud, devastating damage, and a departure that left chaos in your wake. Sorry, but that is what it felt like to me. You are right too. I did feel attacked. Nevertheless, I do forgive you.
You mention that final time you burst into my office. Elizabeth, I do hope by now that you realize the RCMP office is a workplace. The kind of calculated words (for in that particular instance it was not a conversation) you leveled at me were in my place of employment and while I was working. I hope you don't do that again to any other friends? It would be tantamount to someone barging into the schoolhouse during the school day to yell at you.
Yes, that was a devastating blow to me. Elizabeth, your explanation of your 'love' cut like a knife. Your comparing me to your husband, Jack, was twisting the knife. I must admit I am glad you have shed some tears over that encounter. I have wept often and long about it myself. The pain was beyond words. Yet, I practiced forgiving you over and over and over again. I still forgive you when I think of it, though I try not to remember. I have tried to understand what you meant, but could only conclude that you didn't really know me and, what you knew, you ran from in fear. Fear made a lot of situations ugly.
Thank you for your compliments and realizations. You are right. I told you when and where I was going so you wouldn't worry about me or Allie. The unknown is worse than knowing, in my opinion.
You are welcome for the rescue and protection though I was only doing my job. Regarding young Jack? I love that little fella, Elizabeth, and probably always will. It was never a sacrifice to take time to talk with him. I enjoyed our little encounters and I understand Paul is now getting to know Jack and has reinstituted the candy drawer! Jack's excitement to open that drawer always made me laugh. Children are so honest and without guile. It does my heart good that he still enjoys the Mountie toy and remembers me. Give him a hug from Mountie Nathan, please?
Your description of that day at the brook is apt. It did feel as though I had been doused with a bucket of cold water. I have learned now and doubt I will ever be that bold to declare love to anyone again. However since you have asked, please know I worked on forgiving you for that rejection and for running from me for a very long time, and I can say again, I forgive you, Elizabeth. I am embarrassed to remember that day, so I hope we don't need to mention it again?
The parent-teacher conference is another painful memory but thank you for confessing you were wrong to chide me. Somehow I doubt you ever treated another parent as you treated me that night? I still don't understand your lack of respect for me as a parent, let alone a person. Yet, though I apologized to you that night, I shouldn't have. It was right for me to go fishing with Allie as she has become my safe place over these years as odd as that may be to say about your own child. We have been a team and there for each other through thick and thin. She is God's precious gift to me. I needed her that day and still do.
By the way, I read the letter you wrote to her and thank you for writing.
I have just re-read your apology regarding your accusations about Allie's adoption ceremony. I would prefer to forget that situation, though I love being Allie's dad and her being my daughter. It is not a happy memory, but is another situation where God brought good out of a trial. You see, I was at least equally, if not more, confused than you were that day. It is true that Allie left your name off of the list in the beginning because you were with Lucas. I explained that we should always want what was best for those we care about and she should want you to be happy. I encouraged Allie to invite you. To this day, I don't understand her transition from excitement for all her friends to witness the event to just inviting you. But, my confusion aside, it was not my doing.
And, although I forgive you, this is where I must confess another pain. When you yelled at me in the street it was in front of Lucas. That hurts a man, Elizabeth. I never felt Lucas respected me as an officer of the law in town anyway, but your words and attitude in front of him supported his poor opinion of me. Lucas never acknowledged that I saved his life that night in the Saloon and he made numerous derogatory comments about my parenting Allie and accused me of pursuing you. (I assume you must have told him that since he was not around when I bared my heart to you that time?) I have forgiven him, but it has been hard to handle his poisonous, degrading comments and derision. I am glad he has left Hope Valley... for many reasons.
I forgive you for your insensitivity the night outside the Infirmary. I confess I believe it was that night that my eyes were opened to how you had changed from the Elizabeth I first knew. It made me sad.
As I wrote before, I am thankful you are facing your fears, but is it too late to restore what we have lost? I don't know, Elizabeth.
I believe I will always love you, but… You are asking me to take a risk I don't think I can take right now. You chose safety, unwilling to take a risk of the possibility of loss that might not even happen, a risk of the unknown. My risk is very different. My risk is the known. The rejection, betrayal, dismissal, the harsh words… These are wounds I have known. Maybe still know, although I practice daily forgiveness. Many men risk their lives, their hearts, for those they love, but fewer risk their broken hearts. This is my dilemma, Elizabeth. I am uncertain if I can take that risk with you.
If we do correspond there are no promises from me for a future. Allie and I left Hope Valley to put everything between the three of us behind us, to shake the dust off our feet so to speak. For her sake and mine, I know I can make no promises.
You asked me to write about life here in Regina? I am sure Bill has shared some things with you and maybe Allie will as well, but I cannot. Not that I mind you knowing, but rather that I am guarding my heart and cannot allow myself to discuss my life, my innermost thoughts with you. There is no way to say this without being blunt. I'm sorry. I need to have proof that I can trust you, Elizabeth.
I pray that I am not hurting you with my honest words. That is not my intent. I am only taking the opportunity to share with you that which I never could before in our one-sided encounters... My perspective.
If you choose to write again, I have some questions for you. Did it have to take this collapse for you to realize how you cared for me? Would you ever have broken your relationship with Lucas without such a traumatic event? After all these years would you expect me to always keep waiting? After your engagement with Lucas and all that I witnessed, do you expect me to take you back easily? On the other hand, if you had remained with Lucas what would have happened to me? To us? These are things I have wondered.
It is extremely late and I need a few hours of sleep before I work tomorrow, so I will close this letter. I do thank you for writing, and to the best of my ability I forgive you and will continue to pray and forgive.
With my continued prayers,
Nathan'
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Author's Note: Special thanks to Cinda who helped me get unstuck this week! In our conversation she reiterated my thought that Nathan never had his moment to speak. Cinda said, "No he did not. She is still speaking, which is good but he needs to too." So, this chapter became a chance for us to discover Nathan's thoughts about his encounters with Elizabeth.
To me, this is a pivotal chapter and we are finally hearing from Nathan alot of what we (Team Nathan) were thinking, but Nathan never said! I hope this rings true to you readers. My apologies if I inadvertantly incorporated thoughts or words from our many online discussions as we tried to make sense of Season 8. Team Nathan was in agreement so frequently that I cannot recall who originated what thought, so in a sense this chapter may have been written by many of us!
I hope Nathan's honest responses bring you some satisfaction now. As always, thank you for reading!
