Author's note: "I just think it's the end of an era. My children had grown up during it, of course. The legacy of the movies is that my children's generation will show them to their children, so you could be watching them in 50 years' time, easy. I'll not be here, sadly, but Hagrid will." – Robbie Coltrane (1950 – 2022). Rest in Peace, there's no Hogwarts without you, Hagrid.
Harry: Man, this Half-Blood Prince guy really knows his stuff. I really wish he'd been our Potions teacher rather than Snape.
Hermione: You know they could be a girl, right?
Ron: Do you really think Joanne would allow a Prince to be a girl?
Harry: Well, I better go see what Dumbledore wants *grabs his stuff*
Hermione: Harry, you really should look at who this Half-Blood Prince is. You don't want to end up doing something evil, do you?
Harry: Hermione, the way I've been treated by both sides at this point, I'm indifferent to good and evil. Whichever one benefits me more, I'll do it *leaves*
Hermione: That seemed…morally questionable.
Ron: Eh, it's probably nothing.
Ginny: *watching from the shadows* I like what I'm seeing.
*Dumbledore's office*
Dumbledore: So Harry, you're probably wondering why I brought you here.
Harry: If the words 'Sirius is dead' come out of your mouth, I'm outta here.
Dumbledore: …fine, we'll move on to the other reason you're here *drags out the Pensieve* Get over here *throws a kunai on a rope at Harry, drags him across the room, and shoves his head into the Pensieve*
Harry: Oh Christ, where are we going with this?
Dumbledore: We are going to stalk that man *points out a wizard walking down a deserted street* His name is Bob Ogden, and he has important information.
Harry: About what?
Dumbledore: You'll see.
*fifteen minutes later*
Harry: He's been walking through this town for ages. When are we…
Dumbledore: Hey, look, we're here *shows Ogden walking onto a forest path towards a rundown house*
Harry: And we couldn't just skip to this part because…
Dumbledore: Because shut up, that's why.
Harry: Wait, what's that nailed to the door of the house?
Dumbledore: A dead snake.
Harry: Why is there a… *someone jumps down from the trees* WHOA, WHAT THE…
Ogden: Hello, are you…
?: You're not welcome here.
Ogden: Don't you hiss at me. I'm looking for…
?: I said, you're not welcome here *holds up his knife*
Ogden: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to lower your weapon, or else I'll…
?: You were warned, not my fault if you can't understand me *charges at Ogden*
Ogden: *sigh* EXPELLIARMUS! *the stranger flies backwards, through the door, losing his knife in the process* Now, if you're done being an idiot…
? 2: What the FUCK did you do to my son?
Ogden: Will you people stop hissing at me?
Harry: What the fuck is he talking about? They're talking perfectly normally.
Dumbledore: No he's not, he's hissing at him. Can't you hear the 'ssss' sounds coming out of their mouths?
Harry: Wait… *listens carefully* They're speaking parseltongue?
Dumbledore: Eww, you speak snake? Weirdo.
Harry: I suppose there's no point reminding you that you already knew that?
Dumbledore: Like it makes you any less of a weirdo.
Harry: I thought so.
Ogden: I take it you're Mr. Gaunt?
? 2: Marvolo Gaunt, yes.
Ogden: I'm here about your son, Morfin.
Marvolo: What about him?
Ogden: He attacked a muggle in the village.
Marvolo: …uh huh…
Ogden: Are you listening?
Marvolo: I am. I'm just waiting for you to get to the point.
Ogden: That is the point.
Marvolo: Big fucking deal. You boys at the Ministry probably already wiped the bloody thing's memory anyway.
Ogden: *angrily* Yes, we erased HIS memory.
Marvolo: Don't act like they're people.
Ogden: What the hell would make your son do this?
Morfin: I only did it to show Merope that her precious muggle sweetheart is nothing special.
Marvolo: Her precious WHAT?!
Morfin: Yeah, she's always watching him as he rides past, and always disgusted when he has that muggle girl with him.
Marvolo: *seething with anger* MEROPE!
Merope: Yes father?
Marvolo: *grabbing her and slapping her after each word* WHAT! THE! FUCK! HAVE! I! TOLD! YOU! ABOUT! MUGGLES!?
Ogden: Sir, I must insist that you…
Marvolo: *still slapping his daughter* YOU! STAY! THE! FUCK! OUT! OF! THIS!
Ogden: SIR! *pulls out his wand* FLIPENDO! *blasts Marvolo away from his daughter*
Marvolo: You Ministry pricks need to butt out where you're not wanted *holds out his hand* You see this? This is the Gaunt family ring. It's worth a fortune. And this… *yanks Merope up by a locket around her neck* …belonged to Salazar Slytherin himself. We are among his last surviving heirs, and if you think we're going to listen to the likes of you…
Ogden: You will, since you're both facing a long stint in Azkaban.
Marvolo: Pfft, you wouldn't have the guts to arrest one of the last remaining pure-blood families in the wizarding world. It would cause too huge of a scandal. Plus, we'll just buy our way out, as our ancestors did.
Ogden: With what money? Your house is hardly standing as it is. Which is especially weird, since there's numerous simple spells that could fix that damage.
Marvolo: Why would I learn those spells? We pure-bloods have no need for such things, since we're superior to the common wizard and ESPECIALLY to those filthy mudbloods. Now, if you don't mind, I have to go back to beating some sense into my daughter.
Ogden: I don't even think she's conscious.
Marvolo: *picking her up by the front of her shirt* Makes no difference to me *raises his hand to start slapping her again*
Ogden: Oh no you don't *raises his wand*
Morfin: DON'T YOU TOUCH HIM! *shoves Ogden out the front door*
Muggle woman in carriage: Hey, what's going on over there?
Muggle man in carriage: Probably nothing we should get involved in.
Morfin: HEY! Remember me?
Muggle man in carriage: No. Why would I… *suddenly remembers something* Oh…OH GOD NO! NOT AGAIN!
Ogden: Damn it, now I have to wipe him again.
Dumbledore: Yeah, I think we've seen enough *drags Harry out of the Pensieve* So, do you know why I showed you that?
Harry: NO! I don't know why you do anything.
Dumbledore: Obviously because we just saw Voldemort's *thundercrack* parents.
Harry: …say what?
Dumbledore: Did you not get that from the name "Marvolo"? I'm sure Tom's image from the diary told you that was his middle name.
Harry: No, he didn't. He kept fucking up the anagram, and I think at one point admitted to being Prince.
Dumbledore: Oh…well, the girl with the fucked-up eyes and the muggle man are Voldemort's *thundercrack* parents.
Harry: What's with those fucked-up eyes, by the way? I saw Morfin's were like that too.
Dumbledore: Well, you know what Marvolo said about keeping the bloodline pure…
Harry: …oh…you mean…
Dumbledore: Yes. They bang their cousins.
Harry: Huh, I thought it was going to be a little more Targaryen than that.
Dumbledore: Nope, not quite that bad…yet.
Harry: So, what happened next?
Dumbledore: Simple: Merope slipped Tom Riddle Sr. a love potion, they got married, and when she got pregnant, she assumed he loved her and stopped giving him the potion. Turns out that's not how that works, and he left her.
Ginny: *quietly from the shadows* So I'll have to keep giving him it? Damn. Oh well, if that's the price I have to pay, I guess I'll have to.
Harry: So, basically all you wanted to tell me was that Voldemort's *thundercrack* mother date raped his father?
Dumbledore: Pretty much.
Harry: Okay, I'm outta here *sees a ring on a table as he's leaving* Hey, isn't that…
Dumbledore: You said you were leaving, now leave *kicks Harry out the door*
