JENNIE

I walk to the bathroom to remove the makeup from my face and pull myself together. The warm water washes away all evidence of my eventful morning, and I'm actually glad to be back here. Despite everything that Lisa and I have been through, I'm glad to know that I still have a safe place to land with her. She is the only constant in my life; I remember her saying that to me once. I wonder if she meant it then.

Even if she didn't, I believe that she feels that way now. I just wish she would tell me more about how she feels. Seeing her break down yesterday was the most emotion that I've seen out of her since we met. I just want to hear the words behind the tears.

I go back into the bedroom to find Lisa setting my bags down on the floor. "I went down and got your stuff," she informs me.

"Thank you, I really hope I'm not intruding," I tell her and bend down to grab some sweats and a T-shirt. I have to get out of this dress.

"I want you here, you know that, don't you?" she says quietly. I shrug and she frowns. "You should know that by now, Jen."

"I do . . . it's just that your mother is here, and here I am bringing all this drama and crying," I explain.

"My mum is glad that you're here, and so am I."

My chest swells, but I change the subject. "Do you guys have anything planned today?"

"I think she wanted to go to the mall or something, but we can go tomorrow."

"You can go, I can keep myself entertained." I don't want her to cancel plans with her mother when she hasn't seen her in over a year.

"No, it's fine, really. You don't need to be alone." "I'm fine."

"Jennie, what did I just say?" she growls and I look up at her. She seems to have forgotten that she doesn't get to decide things for me anymore. No one does.

She softens and corrects herself. "Sorry . . . you stay here. I'll go shopping with her."

"Much better," I say and try to fight my smile.

Lisa has been so gentle, so . . . afraid the last few days. Even if she was wrong to push me, it was kind of nice to see she's still herself.

I go into the closet to change my clothes, and just as I lift the dress over my head, she taps on the door. "Jen?"

"Yes?" I say.

After a beat she asks, "You'll be here when we get back?" I snort. "Yeah. It's not like I have anywhere else to go."

"Okay. If you need anything, call me," she says; the sadness in her voice is clear.

A few minutes later I hear the front door close and I emerge from the bedroom. I probably should have gone with them so I wouldn't be here alone with my thoughts. I already feel lonely. After watching television for an hour, I am beyond bored. Periodically my phone buzzes and my mother's name flashes on-screen. I ignore her entirely and wish Lisa would come back already. I grab my e-reader and start to read to pass the time, but I can't stop looking at the clock.

I want to text Lisa and see how much longer they'll be, but instead I decide to make dinner to pass the time. I go into the kitchen to decide what to make, something that takes a while but is easy. Lasagna it is, then.

Soon it's eight, then eight thirty, and by nine I'm already thinking again that I'll text her.

What the hell is wrong with me? One fight with my mother and suddenly I'm back to clinging to Lisa? If I'm honest with myself, I know that I never truly stopped clinging to her. Even though I don't really want to admit it, I know that I'm not ready for a life without Lisa. I'm not going to jump into anything wholesale with her, but I'm exhausted from battling myself all the time over her. As terrible as she has been to me, I'm even more miserable without her than I was when I found out about the entire bet. Part of me is irritated at myself for my lack of strength, but another part can't deny how resolved I felt when I came back today. I still need a little time to think, to see how everything goes with us being around one another. I'm still so confused.

Nine fifteen. It's only nine fifteen when I finish setting the table and cleaning up the mess I made in the kitchen. I'll text her, just once, a simple Hey, how's it going? just to check on her. It's snowing, so I'm only texting her to check on her, you know, for safety reasons.

Just as I pick up my phone, the front door opens. I set my phone down covertly as Lisa and her mom enter.

"So, how was shopping?" I ask her at the same exact time that she says, "You made dinner?"

"You first," we both say and laugh.

I hold up one hand and inform her and Chit, "I made dinner. If you already ate, that's fine, too."

"It smells so good in here!" her mother says as she surveys the tableful of food. Immediately she drops her bags and drops into a seat at the table. "Thank you, Jennie dear. That mall was dreadful, all the last-minute Christmas shoppers filled the place. Who waits until two days before Christmas to get their gifts?"

"Um, you," Lisa answers and pours herself a glass of water.

"Oh, hush," she scolds and picks off the end of a breadstick to pop into her mouth.

Lisa sits down next to her mother, and I take the chair across from her. Over dinner Chit talks about the shopping horrors they experienced and how a man was tackled by security guards for trying to steal a dress from Macy's. Lisa swears that the dress was for the man herself, but Chit rolls her eyes and continues with the outlandish tale. I realize that the meal I prepared is actually quite good—better than usual—and almost the entire pan of lasagna is gone by the time the three of us finish. I had two servings myself—that's the last time I'll go all day without eating.

"Oh, we bought a tree," her mom says suddenly. "Just a small one, but you two have to have a tree in your place—especially your first Christmas together!" She claps her hands and I laugh.

Even before everything fell apart, Lisa and I had never talked about getting a Christmas tree. I had been so distracted by moving in, and just by Lisa in general, that I nearly forgot about the holidays altogether. Neither of us had taken any interest in Thanksgiving—her for obvious reasons and me because I didn't want to spend it at my mother's church, so we ordered pizza and hung out in my dorm room.

"That's okay, right?" Chit asks, making me realize I haven't responded. "Oh yeah, of course it is," I tell her and look at Lisa, who is just staring at her empty plate.

Chit takes over the conversation again and I'm grateful. After a few more minutes she announces, "Well, as much as I'd love to stay awake with you party animals, I must get my beauty sleep." Thanking me again and putting her plate into the sink, she bids us good night before leaning down to kiss Lisa on her cheek. She groans and moves away, so her lips barely brush her skin, but she seems pleased with the small amount of contact. She wraps her arms around my shoulders, placing a kiss on the top of my head. Lisa rolls her eyes, and I kick her under the table. After she disappears I stand up and put away the few remaining leftovers.

"Thanks for making dinner. You didn't have to," Lisa tells me, and I nod before we both head into the bedroom.

"I can sleep on the floor tonight since you did last night," I offer, even though I know she wouldn't actually let me sleep on the floor.

"No, it's fine. It's actually not so bad," she says

--

I sit on the bed, and Lisa takes the blankets from the closet and lays them on the floor. I toss her two pillows, and she gives me a small smile before unbuttoning her jeans. Oh, I definitely should look away. I don't exactly want to, but I know that I should. She pulls her black jeans down and steps out of them. The way her muscles move on her tattooed stomach as she bends down has me unable to look away, reminding me just how attracted I am to her, despite my anger. Her black boxers cling to her skin, and her head snaps up to look at me. Her face, hard and concentrated on mine, only feeds my trance. Her jawline is so sharp, so intriguing. She's still staring.

"Sorry," I say, and jerk my head to the side, my cheeks flaring in humiliation.

"No, I'm sorry. Just a habit, I guess." She shrugs and pulls a pair of cotton pants from the dresser.

I keep my eyes on the wall until she says "good night, Jen" and flicks the light off. I can practically hear the smirk in her tone.

I'M AWOKEN BY A SHARP SOUND and stare at the ceiling, I can barely see the blades of the fan moving through the darkness.

Then I hear it again, Lisa's voice. "No! Please!" she whimpers.

Shit, she's having one of her nightmares. I jump out of bed and kneel down beside her thrashing body.

"No!" she repeats, much louder this time.

"Lisa! Lisa, wake up!" I say into her ear and shake her shoulders. Her shirt is soaked with sweat and her face twisted as she opens her eyes, sitting up immediately. "Jen . . ." she breathes and pulls me into her arms.

I rub my fingers through her hair before bringing my hand down to her back. I gently run my hands up and down her back, my nails barely grazing her skin.

"It's okay," I tell her over and over again, and she hugs me tighter. "Come on, let's go to bed," I say and stand up. Holding on to my T-shirt, she climbs into the bed with me.

"Are you okay?" I ask her when she lies down.

She nods and I pull her closer to me. "Do you think you could get me some water?" she asks.

"Of course. I'll be right back."

I turn on the lamp before climbing back out of the bed, then try to keep as quiet as possible so as not to wake Chit. But I get to the kitchen, she's already there.

"Is she okay?" she asks.

"Yeah, she's okay now. I'm just getting her some water," I say to her and fill up a glass in the sink. When I turn back around, she pulls me into a hug and kisses my cheek.

"Can we talk tomorrow?" she asks.

Suddenly I'm too nervous to speak, so I just nod, which makes her smile, though she sniffles as I walk off.

Back in our room, Lisa looks slightly relieved when I return and thanks me as she takes the water from my hand. She gulps down the entire glass while I watch her and join her back on the bed. I can see how uneasy she is, likely from the nightmare, but I know part of it is because of me.

"Come here," I tell her and see the relief in her eyes as she scoots her body toward mine, and I wrap my arms around her and put my head on her chest. It feels just as comforting to me as I imagine it does to her. Despite everything she has done, I feel like home in this flawed girl's arms.

"Don't let me go, Jen," she whispers and closes her eyes.