I Was Dumb To Think I'd Keep You Under Lock And Key…
A/N: Spoilers for S05E09 Ruin, flashback scenes. I'm ignoring the fact that Lizzy tells Red she loves him on death row and he acts like he's never heard it before in his life. Really had to reign this in, you'll see why. Two scenes could have gone very differently.
This got long so I've split it and the next part will be the end, looping back up with her leaving for Alaska and coming back?
TW: Anger outbursts, Grief, Flashbacks, Nightmare mentions, drug and alcohol mentions. If you've ever been to therapy, you'll know sometimes it gets you good.
Song: You're the last thing on my mind - Aron Wright.
Part Five: Every crack is just an echo of the morning when you left…
She stared after Dr Orchard for a long time, a mix of emotions beginning to stir in the pit of her stomach. She turned back to the french doors, Agnes's giggles filtering through the glass. Did she really want to erase all of this? Agnes still wouldn't remember her and would still be reserved around her. Would the pain end, would the guilt? But how could she erase all Red had done for her. Everything was so intricately entwined, her feelings towards him so complicated. If they hadn't had this time together then…
'How did it go?' Reddington asked striding through the library door, he took note of her rigid stance, her back straight, knees up as she watched her daughter happily playing. For a moment she was quiet as he crossed the room, she didn't look round or greet him which didn't bode well to him.
'Elizabeth?' He reached out to put a hand against her shoulder.
'Don't.' She snapped angrily, knocking his hand away with force. Her eyes were dark as she turned them on him. He stepped back in slight surprise, his mouth open. She glared at him, that recognisable fire in her eyes that had been turned on him quite a few times.
'What happened?' He asked gently, taking another step back and standing beside the chair Dr Orchard had occupied. For a moment she wouldn't meet his eye, she ground her jaw and she continued to watch Agnes. 'Elizabeth, look at me…' He asked, trying to get her attention away from the child outside.
She took a breath, her voice hard 'I asked her to take the memories away…' She looked up at him then, his face had fallen, visible hurt shining back at her through his eyes. She almost winced but hardened herself, swallowing.
'And what did she say?' He asked his voice soft but with an edge, his eye was twitching she noticed as she continued to maintain eye contact.
'That I should think about it…' Her voice almost broke as she watched him closely, tiny micro expressions betraying he emotions that he was trying to hide.
'Why would you want that? After what you said to me about taking your memories?' His hands were loose by his side, one fist balled the other flexing, his fingers flicking in and out.
'I was a child!' She yelled, standing up from her chair, throwing the cushion at him, which he easily caught.
'And what, you're going to do that to Agnes because you can't handle it anymore after all this?' He said bitterly. Her eyes shot back to his,
'No! I would never.' She ground out, her tone dangerous, her eyes flashing at him.
'Then how's it going to work? Everyone around you will know, you can't escape it!' He reminded her. 'How do you expect to get justice for Tom if you just wipe it all away?'
'I just want it gone!' She yelled at him, her voice breaking. Still standing she folded her arms across her chest.
'Do you want me gone too?' He took a breath as her blue eyes focused on him. 'Because that's what you'll have to do, take all of this away.' He was dejected, she could see and it hurt her more but it also prickled under her skin. 'Is that why you want to leave so you can just wipe all of this away?' His voice gravelly.
'No!' Fury ignited in her belly, blazing over her skin like the fire in her dreams, she picked up the glass of water beside her chair hurling it across the room. It missed him but it wasn't enough, she knocked over a lamp and upturned the small table that sat beside the chair, screaming at him to go, to leave her alone. She didn't want to see that look of rejection on his face.
'Enough.' He raised his voice, his tone harsh but he didn't shout. She froze for a moment, angry tears pricking at the corners of her round eyes. 'Just because you're angry doesn't mean you have to be cruel.' He told her, an edge to his voice.
'Cruel? I want to go because I can't sleep through the night without you. Because I love you… You've made me reliant on you and I don't know how to leave you but I have to…' Her voice broke, the anger deflating. Her knees buckled and she sat down heavily in the chair behind her.
'I need to go because I don't know how to do this without you…' She buried her face in her hands, her tears falling unbidden. 'Don't ask me not to go, please…' She wailed, searching his face before burying her own again. He knelt down in front of her, his hand on her arms as he pushed them away from her face. Her took her trembling chin in between his thumb and forefinger, making her look at him then smoothed back her hair. He brought her into him, breathing her in before kissing her temple. He ran his nose across the soft skin in front of her ear before kissing her again.
'Don't erase this Lizzy, please…' He whispered into her ear. She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer her sobs muffled in his shoulder..
'I want to visit Tom's grave…' She announced at breakfast a few days later, she ate a spoonful of oatmeal, watching Red as he moved about the kitchen, pouring coffee.
'Do you think that's wise?' He asked, pausing to watch her as she ate another spoonful.
'It's time…' She told him softly, her eyes glassy. She swallowed reaching out to dollop a spoonful of peanut butter on top of her oatmeal.
She dressed herself but she still had trouble with buttons and zippers. She was sat on the bed when he came to see if she was ready, he knocked and entered a few moments later.
'Dembe is pulling the car around, are you ready?' He asked standing in the door way. She nodded once, her eyebrows lifted.
'Could you tie my laces for me?' She asked, wiggling her boot into the air. He came over and placed her foot against his leg, beginning to tie her lace, watching her avoid his eye.
'You know you don't have to do this if you're not sure…' He said gently, her eyes lifted and she half smiled, her eyes filled with sadness. He finished the other boot and let her foot drop.
'Thank you…' She whispered huskily, 'And I'm sure…' She slipped off the edge of the bed, grabbing her cane as he moved toward the door. 'Oh wait, my button?' She asked gesturing to her jeans, she moved her shirt slightly, she had another shirt tucked into her jeans. He eyed her for a moment as she lifted her eyebrows quizzically.
'I suppose you'll be asking me to zip you coat next?' He asked smiling defusing the tension he was feeling, she returned his smile, nodding.
After not having been anywhere for a over a year, the car journey tired her out. She was pale and weak by the time she got out of the car, reassuring Red that she needed to do this alone. She walked across the grass slowly, her muscles already fatigued.
'Hey, you…' She said softly her voice filled with emotion as she approached his grave. She had taken a red rose from one of the many bouquets in the house and laid it down on the top of his head stone. It was a simple inscription,
Keen
Tom
1985-2017
Husband
and Father
She stood for a moment looking down at the rose, her stomach churning with fatigue and emotion. She felt drained, like someone had sucked all the energy out of her. Stepping back, she was suddenly unsure what to say, a million things all at once and nothing at all seemed good enough. Her mouth worked for a moment before she closed it, her chin trembling as she let the tears fall. Seeing the grave made it all too real, she knew he was gone but this was a confirmation she didn't want. She bent double as the grief consumed her, lowering herself carefully down to the wet grass, she sat down unable to maintain crouching.
'I'm not doing very well…' She spoke aloud, struggling with the rising tide that was welling up inside her. She looked out towards the car and she knew that they would be watching her, she just hoped that Red would keep his promise and let her do this alone.
'I told myself I wasn't gonna tell you that…' She ran a hand across her tired face, wiping the tears away. She took a sharp inhale, 'That's the last thing you need to hear, right?' She told him. Her face crumpling as she looked down at the grass. She wiped her eyes, taking a steadying breath, she blew it out glancing out again towards the car.
'I'm thinking about going away.' She confided, searching for words that didn't seem to want to come. She knew he would've encouraged her to go, he wanted them to be a family but how could she tell him that she couldn't take Agnes with her. She was so tired, leaning back against the headstone. A wave of grief washed over her and her face crumpled, the tears renewing. She pulled her knees up to her chest, burying her face in them, her arms wrapped around so the occupants of the car wouldn't see. She freely sobbed, inhaling in shuddering breaths. She felt as though gravity was pulling her down toward the earth and she gave in, allowing her body to rest against the dampness of the grass, she didn't care in that moment that her jeans were wet. She wanted the earth to envelop her, consume her whole so that she could be with him again. Her hand was outstretched, her fingers curling over the lip of the plinth that held Tom's headstone.
'Elizabeth…' She barely heard her name, she didn't want to go just yet but she could feel the afternoon pressing on, feel the light beginning to fade. Surely she hadn't been there that long? 'Its time to go, Elizabeth…' Dembe told her gently, standing at her feet, his voice soft.
'Not yet' She croaked out, her voice thick with sorrow. She didn't look up at him, her fingers pressing into the plinth.
'Raymond says you will catch a chill…' Dembe pressed, crouching down beside her. He reached out and took hold of her arm, helping her to sit.
'Not yet Dembe, please…' Her face creased with emotion as her tears renewed. She shook her head when he reached under her arms to lift her to standing. Her body pressed heavily against him, her legs unsteady. She had no energy to fight him. He put her arms around his neck and lifted her with ease.
It had been agreed that if she wanted to leave, then they would have to rethink the sleeping arrangements. She would have to manage on her own when she woke during the night and Red would stay in his own room. She had slept during the car ride home, her head against his shoulder, his presence comforting and she was grateful that he had allowed her that time with Tom. She had been quiet over dinner and had preferred to be alone during the evening. She knew Red was still hurting over their argument, the agreement to leave her to sleep alone had been an awkward one, neither of them admitting that they didn't want it but she knew if she wanted to leave she would have to get used to it. So she was stewing in her room, wanting to go and talk to him but content in her melancholy. She left the lamp on and curled up on her side in the space that he would have occupied and went to sleep.
She jolted awake some time later, bathed in a cold sweat and her heart pounding in her chest as though it would break through her ribs. She reached out in the low light and then remembered, tears forming in her eyes. Her breathing caught, coming in fast pants as she tried to calm it, panic rising.
Next door Red was awake, unable to sleep for worrying about Elizabeth, he heard the soft pad of her bare feet and the tap of the cane against the floor before she carefully pushed the door open. He looked up, seeing her standing in the doorway, her breaths coming in short sharp gasps, her damp hair curling at her shoulders and the tears on her face. He ground his jaw set in his resolve, his head falling back to the pillow. She padded softly over to the bed, quiet except for her breathing. He looked up at her, his jaw still set. He watched as her tears renewed, her chin trembling and it was then his resolve cracked, he threw back the blanket in invitation. She curled up on her side, his arm under her neck beneath the pillow, her back pressed into the warmth of his abdomen. She pulled his other arm tightly around her waist, her hand in his.
'I'm sorry…' She whispered in the darkness, sniffing softly. Her breathing evened and she let out a little sigh. He moved closer, pulling her against him, his face against the back of her head. He breathed in the warm scent of her hair before kissing her. She turned in his arms so that she was facing him, his breath was soft against her forehead. She closed her eyes, breathing in his familiar comforting scent before looking up into his face, her eyes searching his. His eyes flicked to her lips for the briefest of seconds and for a moment she wondered what he would do if she kissed him, would he push her away because it was inappropriate or would he lean into it. Her stomach dipped at the thought. She told herself that this was transference, a grief response, an anxious attachment and that for the moment she just wanted to feel something other than sadness. She squeezed her eyes tightly willing the thoughts away. She buried her head in his chest and let out a small sigh, falling back to sleep.
She stood at the doorway to their apartment, Reddington close behind her. Dembe was waiting downstairs after having brought her things up. She was frozen for the moment, her body not allowing her to step across the threshold. The events of the night Tom was murdered replaying in her mind. The place had been cleaned, professionally so she thought and the thought made her feel nauseous. She took a step back, bumping into Reddington, his hands sliding up her arms to rest on her shoulders. She wanted him to tell her they could go back home. Home. This was supposed to be her home but it had stopped being her home that night.
'I don't think I can…' she murmured as he brought his face down to kiss her hair, his eyes closing for a moment.
'You can…' He informed her gently. His resolve back in place, he had to be strong for the both of them. He couldn't say no to her and every night she had climbed into his bed had been too much. If she wanted to go he had to cut the tie that held them together however reluctantly. He heard her swallow, one hand reaching up for his. She squeezed it gently before letting go and stepping into the apartment.
Her heart hammered as she stood beside the kitchen counter. She stared at the place where Tom had lain, her chest tight. She gripped her cane, her fingers turning white with the pressure.
'Are you coming in?' She asked not turning to look at him standing in the doorway. Her eyes still fixed to that one spot.
'Best not sweetheart…' his voice was filled with sadness and it made her chest constrict even tighter. Her stomach flopped over as she turned to look at him, his eyes shining back at her. 'I'm going to go and leave you to unpack…' He cleared his throat, his voice gravelly. He noted her pale face and wide haunted eyes, her rigid stance and white fingers pressed into her cane and knew leaving would ruin her.
Yet he reached for the edge of the door, 'Goodbye Lizzy' he said softly as he closed it. He heard the sob from the hallway, his step faltering as he half turned back, he ground his teeth, his own stomach tightening at the thought of leaving her here in this place.
The grief rose in waves that washed over her like a tsunami, it took her breath away. The loss of him on top of the loss of Tom was too much, she didn't want to be here, she didn't want to sleep here let alone have the task force round for drinks in a few hours. Her breath shuddered in her chest and her knees buckled as the waves washed over her. She curled into a ball on her knees, slamming her fists on the hard wood floor, tears streaming down her face.
Aram and Samar were the first to arrive, Aram allergic to being late. He had a huge grin on his face. She hugged both of them, Aram holding on longer and tighter, telling her profusely that they had missed her. She was pale faced and exhausted but she smiled back at both of them. A haunted smile that didn't reach her eyes. Ressler brought beer, he also hugged her and she was relieved he had arrived close behind Aram and Samar so that the awkward small talk was kept to a minimum. She almost lost it when Cooper arrived, he folded her against him, his big arms wrapping around her tiny frame. They sat around the living room, telling stories about Tom. She sat stoney faced in the chair next to where Tom had lain, not speaking. Her eyes fixed on one spot, dissociated from the present, their voices but an echo in the distance. Her mind weaving in and out of the conversation. One hand grasped her cane, wishing Reddington had been there because at least he would steered the conversation elsewhere. They toasted Tom, raising their bottles but she couldn't seem to move, her eyes falling to the floor, on that same spot.
She wasn't sure when they all left, she didn't remember saying goodbye to them, she was still sat in the same chair suddenly alone, the same glass of water resting between her legs. She felt the weight of being left, echos of her past life drifting around the empty apartment. She was afraid to go to sleep, afraid of the dreams, of being in this place, of possible house fires. But at least Agnes was safe, she had stayed at the house with Reddington for the time being until she could make other arrangements.
She went through the motions getting ready for bed, her mind else where watching ghosts of her former life pass her by. When she climbed into their bed, it was passed midnight. She was beyond exhausted but she had been obsessive about checking the door was locked, the chain was on and everything that could possibly cause a fire was switched off. She placed her gun under the pillow on Tom's side before curling up. She felt like half of her was missing. Tom was gone but it wasn't just Tom, the person who had kept her sane, taken care of her, physically held her together and been her only source of comfort was also gone. Their bed felt cavernous, it was cold, the whole apartment felt void of any warmth. She wanted his arms around her, to feel his warmth next to her or at the very least know that he was in the next room.
When she fell asleep she wasn't sure because it felt like she never had, her brain was whirring half conscious but yet she was dreaming, running from something she couldn't identify, drowning in a lake of blood while everything burned around her. She woke with a start, the sheets wrapped around her sweat soaked body. She shivered cold and alone, her heart pounding. She picked up her phone from the nightstand and let it ring, she didn't care about the time, all she cared about was hearing his soothing voice on the other end of the line. When it rang for the fifth time, she knew he wasn't going to answer, she hung up when the voicemail picked up. She sent a text 'Call me back, I need you…' She waited her heart in her throat, her stomach in knots shivering. She checked the sound was on and held the phone in her hand staring down at Agnes's photo on the screen. After ten minutes, panic was beginning to stir inside her, she picked up the phone and called again, voicemail answered and she hung up. 'Please Red. Call me back…' she texted again. Tears prickled at the corners of her eyes, a lump in her throat as she tried to hold herself together. Another ten minutes went by and he hadn't called back. He always left his phone on and it was never silent, she knew he would've heard it the first time. When voicemail answered the third time, her tears overflowed, she let out a sob but didn't hang up. The beep sounded and she was silent for a moment, trying to suppress another sob rising within her.
'Red…' She whispered, her voice husky with emotion. 'I… I need you to come and get me, I can't stay here…' She was crying now, her voice breaking between the sobs. 'Please just come get me, I was wrong… I'm sorry… I don't want to leave, I want to be with you… I need you… Come back… Please...'
A/N: The phrase ' Just because you're angry doesn't mean you have to be cruel'. I stole from a tumblr post because it screamed them.
