The Wall of Names
Thomas and Hope walked side-by-side across the Glade. By then, the sun had found itself peeking just above the stone walls, so beautiful light sparkled over the area. The sky was blue, the clouds were white and fluffy, and there was a calming scent in the air. Everything looked perfect except… for that wall. That small, small part of the stone wall that held a ginormous meaning to it. A month back, Hope was the only one who didn't know its meaning. But now, Thomas was the odd one out. He needed to know the truth. The history of the Glade.
"These are the names of everyone who's ever been here," Hope said once she, Thomas, and Hugo stood before the Wall of Names. "Every single person that comes up that Box, gets to put their name here. Once they remember it, that is."
"And what about them?" Thomas asked as he pointed toward a crossed-out name. "What happened to them?"
"There are days when… I forget how terrible this place can be," Hope acknowledged, a soft wind rustling her hair. "Ever since I got here, there hasn't been a single death. A single boy that's gotten hurt. All that's happened is a little miscommunication, but… that's it. Everyone here treats me so well, too, so I never feel afraid or sad. And since I don't remember anything, I have nothing to compare this life to. My time here has been… Honestly, I've had a pretty great month."
"What?" Thomas gave Hope a weird look. "Are you saying that I should look on the bright side?"
"Of course not, because I also know - more than you - how terrible this place can be," Hope stated, responding to Thomas' glare with a gentle look. "Just like every other boy here, I forget about that terribleness, because, believe it or not, there are actually good days here. Days when we can just have fun and forget about the prison we're trapped in. However, the past always catches up to us, Thomas; however hard we try to forget, it will find a way to haunt us once more, just like how this wall reminds these boys of the friends they've lost. Of the pain they've suffered. Since, after a while, the Maze doesn't scare them anymore. It's losing one another that truly terrifies them."
Hope then took a deep breath. "Alby knows that you're different from the rest, Thomas. We can all see it. You're curious. Brave. Resilient. And although those are great traits to have in here, they also make you a little blind to those around you. You care so much about the end goal that… you forget about what's right in front of you. And what's right in front of you are boys that are tired, Thomas. Boys that have given up. Boys that are scarred inside and out. So please, Thomas, don't enter that Maze to find a way out… Enter that Maze to find them a way out."
Furthermore, Hope took out Alby's pocket knife from her pocket and held it out to Thomas. The boy didn't take it immediately, though, and merely stared into Hope's differently-colored eyes. They both just stood there before the Wall of Names, never breaking eye contact. But unlike yesterday, there wasn't an awkward silence or a weird feeling in the air. All the two felt was a new understanding. A new point-of-view. Thomas still didn't know much about Hope, but he could tell that she cared a lot about the Gladers. And now he understood why the Glade cared so much about her. She was loyal. Generous. Compassionate. She was someone that… cared more about them than escaping the Maze. And although Thomas couldn't relate to that yet, he realized that he needed to.
He still wanted to get out of this place as soon as possible, but… maybe not for the same reasons as yesterday. Today, he wanted to try to get out of this place for the ones who had been here longer than he had. For those who had suffered far longer than he had. For those… who hadn't made it this far. Hence, Thomas finally picked up the knife and a grateful smile adorned his face.
"Thanks, Hope," he said. "Though, I'm a little creeped-out that you already know me so well."
"S-Sorry about that," Hope apologized with a light blush. "And I'm sorry if I overstepped my boundaries or anything. I-I didn't mean to be so 'creepy' or weird or rude or-"
"Hey, you're fine. Besides, if you think that that was rude of you, then Gally must be the biggest asshole on Earth."
"Thomas, he's not rude," Hope urged. "Trust me, Gally's just… Gally."
"Wow…" Thomas smirked. "I'm sold."
"J-Just write your name!" Hope stuttered in embarrassment, while putting her hands on his back and pushing him toward the wall. "Please!"
"Okay, okay! I got it!" Thomas said with an amused smile on his face. "You get embarrassed real easily."
Hope deadpanned. "T-Trust me, I know."
Thomas let out a snicker and then got to work on his name. Clink, crack, clink! For the next few moments, all that was heard was the steel knife hitting against the stone. Behind Hope, she could hear the Gladers starting to wake up. They were talking in muffled voices, but they nonetheless sounded gleeful. The noise made Hope's lips turn into a fine-line and for her eyes to fall downward. Normally, she'd be happy to hear their voices, yet… For some reason… She didn't know why, but talking about finding a way of the Maze made Hope feel strange. It made Hope feel as cold as this morning after she'd awoken from her dream.
"Do you think she's broken?"
Why…
"There must be something wrong with her."
Why didn't Hope feel happy?
"Look at that face."
Why didn't she feel happy about this?
"What a waste…"
She should've felt happy that someone as hopeful as Thomas had come along, but…
"W-Why… Why do I have to be this way?"
Why did the notion of leaving the Glade… hurt her so much?
"…There," Thomas said once he had finished his name. He took a step back and stood beside Hope. "What'd you think?"
"I-I think it's amazing," Hope answered, plastering a smile onto her face. "Oh, and by the way, I'm rooting for you."
"What?" Thomas tilted his head. "You're 'rooting for me'?"
"Yeah! You wanna become a Runner, right?" Hope queried. "I hope you get to. I know Minho will love your commitment."
"You really think that I can become one just because of that?"
"Well, if I'm being honest, Minho needs someone that wows him," Hope acknowledged. "He's an action kind of guy: someone that needs to see something to believe it. So if you can physically show him that you got what it takes, then you're good."
"Okay." Thomas nodded. "Thanks. I'll remember that... And I'll remember everything you just told me."
"Good," Hope beamed. "Then I'm completely on your side, Thomas."
But as the two walked away from the wall, Hope had a hard time keeping her smile up.
She hated what she'd just thought.
She hated how selfish those thoughts were.
Why would you even think that? Hope asked herself. That's a terrible thing to think about!
Those boys deserved to be free of this place.
They deserved to be rid of this trauma.
So then why…
Why did a part of Hope never want to leave?
That cold feeling never left Hope. Not even for a second. And the bad feeling that she'd felt since she woke up, only multiplied. Something was about to go wrong or something bad was about to happen. Hope didn't know what would happen, but she knew something would happen, and it was killing her. It was ripping her apart inside. Likewise, Hope didn't know how to put this feeling into words. Fear? Sadness? Guilt? Fear of the unknown, sadness for those who could be hurt, and guilt caused by… by what she had realized earlier that day.
Hope's eyes widened. Maybe this feeling was her punishment - maybe this was what she got for thinking such a "selfish" thing. All Hope did was think something, and yet she believed that she deserved to be punished for it. Just like… what her dreams told her.
"Don't delude yourself."
No.
"You're going to be alone with this feeling."
No, this was the feeling of…
"Forever."
Hopelessness.
"I hate you!"
Hope felt…
"I-I wish you'd just disappear!"
Hopeless.
"HELP!" But then, while Hope was standing in the Kitchen with Fry, she heard Thomas' voice. "HEEELP! HELP ME!"
All of Hope's coldness left her and her body warmed up upon hearing that noise. Of course, the girl had no idea why Thomas was yelling, but she could tell by his tone that he was scared out of his mind. And that was all the inspiration Hope needed to sprint out of that Kitchen to where Thomas was. The sun was absolutely beaming outside, so she almost got blinded by its light. But Hope still ran. She ran to where she saw everyone else running to: Thomas being thrown to the ground… by Ben.
"I'll kill you!" Ben roared into Thomas' face. "I'LL KILL YOU!"
Thomas was trying his best to get Ben off of him, but it wasn't working quite well. Ben being a Runner had a lot to do with that. However, in the midst of Ben's hands finding Thomas' throat, Newt came in and smacked Ben across the face with his spear. This caused the boy to fall over onto the grass, which allowed Gally, Frypan, Newt, and Zart to pin the Runner down.
"What're you doin'?!" Newt shouted to Ben.
"Calm down, man!" Gally also yelled.
"What the hell happened?!" Frypan questioned, making Thomas let out a scoff once he'd stood up.
"He just attacked me!"
"Oh… my… gosh…" Hope couldn't stop herself from gasping the second she saw Ben lying on the ground. He didn't look like himself, not even close. His skin was pale, his eyes were bloodshot, and his face was leaking with blood. Even Hugo let out a scared whine after seeing the poor boy. "W-What in the world…"
Alby walked through the crowd of boys circling around the scene, and when Hope looked up at him, her eyes widened at the expression she saw on his face. As he stared down at Ben, Alby looked sad, worried, and so very pained. Hope could tell that… Alby knew what was going on.
"No…" And Ben seemed to know, too, since she started shaking his head in fear. "N-No… No…"
"Alright, lift his shirt!" Alby demanded, causing Newt to instantly follow his Leader's instructions. But what Newt revealed on Ben's stomach made Hope gasp again as she slapped her hands over her mouth.
"No!" Ben started to beg once more. "No, please! NO!"
"...He's been stung," Gally muttered once Alby kneeled down beside him. On Ben's stomach was a terrible-looking wound that had blackish-purple lines coming out of it. "In the middle of the day?"
Instead of answering Gally's confusion, Alby stood back up. "Bring him to the Pit! C'mon, everyone, help bring him to the Pit!"
"NO, PLEASE!" Ben kept on begging and screaming. Even as he was lifted up by multiple boys, the Runner kept on pleading. Pleading to be saved. "HELP ME! NO! LET ME GO! PLEASE!"
And sadly, the final words that anyone would ever hear Ben speak… were those same screams.
While Thomas was being bandaged up by Jeff, Hope could only lean against a wooden pillar adjacent to him; on Thomas' right sat Chuck, and on his right sat Alby. None of the five spoke a single word in those moments. All they did was look down and wait. Wait for something - anything - to happen. Usually, when Hope heard the birds chirping, she felt a sense of peace wash over her. And she was waiting for that same peace in that moment, but… she didn't feel it. She felt nothing of the sort. The only thing Hope felt was that feeling from before: fear, sadness, and guilt. The feeling… of hopelessness.
"So what happened to him?" Thomas ultimately asked. Jeff had already finished and left, which was something that Hope didn't even notice had happened. Thomas' voice had kinda brought her back to reality.
"It's called the Changing," Alby said in a low, monotone tone. "It's what happens when someone gets stung by a Griever." After this, Alby moved a little closer to Thomas and gave him a curious look. "We haven't been able to get a clear word out of Ben since it happened. He's not even makin' any sense, and it's only gonna get worse. The infection is spreading - he's dangerous… What'd he say to you, Thomas?"
"He said… H-He said he saw me," Thomas remarked, prompting Hope to look up from the ground for the first time. "Y'know, that this is all my fault… H-How could this be my fault?"
Sadness.
Fear.
Guilt.
Those three emotions were what Hope saw in Thomas' eyes. How Hope had been feeling in those moments, Thomas was feeling the same exact thing. More so, neither of them knew why they were feeling such emotions. Neither of them had the answers they wanted, yet they could still feel what consequences those answers held. And the fact that… The fact that Thomas was being blamed for a past he couldn't even remember, was almost too perfect in regards to Hope.
"Do you… wanna get away from me?"
What did they do?
"I hate you!"
Who… did they hurt?
"I wish you'd just disappear!"
"Hope…" A singular voice. A singular voice from a singular boy made all of Hope's conflicted feelings just disappear. This boy was a kind, innocent kid that always reminded Hope that there was good in the world. The voice… of Chuck. "Are you okay?"
"I-I'm trying to be," Hope said, putting on a fake smile. "I'm just… Um…"
"It's okay," Chuck whispered after he'd hugged Hope's hand with both of his. "It's all gonna be okay. You taught me that."
This time, a true smile formed on her face. "Chuck, you are… you are the best, you know that?"
"Of course I know that," Chuck teased with a smile of his own. "And you are, too."
"I don't know about that one, but…" Hope sighed. "I'll try my best."
"…Alby." Thomas turned to said boy after watching Hope and Chuck's conversation. "What's gonna happen to him?"
But Alby didn't respond. He just sat there, staring down at the ground. And although Hope was trying her hardest to stay positive, that silent response made her hopelessness come straight back. She knew what that look meant - she knew that something very bad was about to happen. So when, instead of a verbal response, Alby just got up and started walking away, Hope couldn't stay still. She immediately followed after him, placing her hand on his wrist once she'd reached him. Thomas and Chuck had followed behind her, but they let Hope do all of the talking.
"Alby…" Hope said his name in a way she'd never done before. It was demanding, hurt, and so very petrified. "A-Alby, please. What's gonna happen to him? J-Just tell me."
"Hope…" Alby said Hope's name in a way he'd never done before, either. It was angry, blank, and oh-so low. "Hope, we can't… we keep him here. He'll hurt someone."
"N-No, there… there must be another way!" Hope suddenly started shouting. "We can't just leave him! W-We have to be able to save him! We must! Alby, please tell me that-!"
"You can't save everyone, Hope!" Alby snapped as he finally whipped his body around to face Hope. There was annoyance in his eyes, but also so much pain. The look made Hope take a step back. "Sometimes we gotta make sacrifices for the safety of everyone else! And I get it, Hope. I get that you wanna protect everyone, but sometimes you just can't! It's impossible! S-Someone… Someone has to get hurt for our peace to remain."
Alby then turned around and walked toward the Pit, where Ben was still screaming and pleading. But Hope merely stood there. She was stuck there. She may have not wanted to accept Alby's words, but she also wasn't naive enough to disagree with them. If Ben hurt people, then he would tear apart the peace that Alby had worked so hard for. Everything would come crumbling down, and Alby couldn't risk that. Hope understood, yet she… she didn't feel better. She felt worse.
Throughout that entire day, Hope tried to forget about her feelings. Her negative, selfish feelings: the feeling that something bad was going to happen, and the selfish feeling… of never wanting to leave the Glade. Hope had wanted to bury those feelings, because they held a difficult truth. The truth that, maybe, Hope's happy days in the Glade were all coming to an end. And she didn't want that. She loathed that idea. So maybe it wasn't that Hope didn't want to leave the Glade, it was truly that she didn't want her life in the Glade to go.
Hope wanted to cook with Frypan.
Hope wanted to have long talks with Chuck during breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Hope wanted Gally to teach her new things in the forest.
Hope wanted to talk with Alby about the Gladers by the fire.
Hope wanted to see Minho smile more every time she cooked him something.
Hope wanted to have bonfires and laugh with everyone.
Hope wanted to… to spend as much time as she could with Newt.
She didn't want to leave that happy life behind. She didn't want anything to change. Nothing at all. But that was a selfish thought to Hope. Selfish enough that she believed that this was her punishment. That Ben's sickness was only the beginning.
"Toys are meant to be thrown away."
Happiness didn't last forever.
"You can't be good forever."
Eventually, the happiness would turn into pain.
"And you can't be selfish about it."
And Hope would be trapped in her darkness once more.
BOOM!
So when the Maze's doors closed, and Ben was imprisoned on the other side, Hope just stood there.
The entire Glade was standing around her, and yet she felt so alone.
So cold.
So empty.
There had been another addition to the Wall of Names, and Hope…
Hope wished that…
In the darkest areas of her heart, Hope wished that it was her.
That it was her name instead of Ben's.
"When you were younger…"
Hope suddenly heard the girl's voice.
"Do you miss them?"
But instead of being scared, Hope accepted her words.
"Do you miss your real family?"
Hope's scars tingled.
"Because I'm sure that they don't miss you."
Hope's heart was breaking again.
"They did what you deserved."
She was losing again.
"They threw you away."
She… was lost.
"Do you need me?"
A/N: Sorry if this was a little too angsty lolol. Trust me, I'll make up for it in the next chapter!
