A/N: 1
I added a scene to the last chapter, as I realized that it needed to go there. So go back and re-read the ending of Charina – Salvation - Changes
OK, this is THE sad chapter in this story. Prepare yourselves. Sometimes life sucks.
A/N: 2
Samo, Samo. Don't Own Chuck. Not making any money, just breaking hearts.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Carina was hurrying along the pathway to their offices. Chuck had sent her a one word text. "Urgent".
What could have happened to prompt that message? If it was Beckman or Hawthorne wouldn't he have just messaged "Meeting"? The only dramatic activity over the past few weeks was the return of his Mother. His parents are Agency adjacent, maybe it was some news about them?
I've been trying to be as comforting as I can be, listening to his thoughts and feelings. I know what it is like to lose parents and family. But when the tornado took mine, it was a quote-end-quote Act of God. They didn't choose to leave me.
His parents abandoning him really screwed with his mind and self identity. His deep feelings of unworthiness had to stem from that. What could he have accomplished, if he could have confidently embraced his genius, when he was younger?
I've been doing all I can to build that confidence, especially since his parents left last week.
There is an odd pleasure in helping him, allowing myself to care about him. Is this kind of what a parent feels? Tending to him is apparently triggering mama feelings! Where the hell is Sarah? When is she going to be done with that damn mission? This should be her bonding time with him, not me getting all messy with feelings.
Carina stepped into their workspace, closely followed by Casey. Did Chuck text him too?
He caught her eye, "Urgent?" he mouthed.
She nodded and shrugged her shoulders, equally clueless.
Then she saw Chuck. He was pale and sobbing, She quickly closed the distance to him, reaching out for his shoulder, "Chuck, honey, what's wrong."
Not looking up, he motioned towards his computer screen. What she saw made her heart stop. Casey who had joined her, and could now see the screen, gasped.
On the screen was an agent report, for Sarah Walker. To be exact, for Sarah Walker, status MIA, presumed dead.
Through tear blurred eyes, they skimmed the report, which indicated that her last mission had been to infiltrate Volkoff's fortress, to gain Intel. And, it was at the same time as the fortress was attacked. Never hearing from her again, the presumption was that she had been caught up in it all and died.
That was her Eastern European mission she mentioned, Carina realized.
Sarah was gone, they all seemed empty, and after a moment, Chuck stood and shambled out of the office, sobbing, heading to the house.
Carina was weeping as well, as she watched him go. Then she looked up at Casey, and seeing the shock in his eyes, it was suddenly all too real for her. She broke, and ran sobbing to her own room.
Casey, left alone in the office, just heavily sat in the chair. "Fuck!" he exclaimed, pounding his fists into the chair arms. He slumped and started his own grieving process.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Dragging himself down the hallway, step by step, bouncing off the wall from time to time. Chuck's autopilot led him to his room. He is distraught thinking that he might have been able to save Sarah. They were there at Volkoff's and She must have needed help. What cruel fate kept me from Her.
The injustice of it all broke his heart. She never felt she was worthy, starting out corrupted by her dad and then Graham. It was their fault, but she took the blame upon herself. She would have worn a hair shirt if possible. She refused to accept that she was redeemable; refused to believe that with Chuck's love she could be reborn. And part of that was because she couldn't see that Chuck, as Charles Carmichael, was different but not corrupted. But now it was too late, that love never to be fulfilled. I just wanted her to be Happy, he reflected.
How could I have failed her exactly when she needed me. How can she be dead? Whether or not what he did could be called sleep, his brain did finally shut down for the rest of the night.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Carina sobs inconsolably, goes to her room and cries into her pillow for the rest of the night.
Damn it Blondie you were supposed to come back to me. You are my buddy, my compadre, we still have lots of Adventures to experience together. Why did you have to go and get yourself killed?!
Maybe I should have talked to you into blowing off this mission and coming straight here? I just assumed there would be time. I always assumed there'd be tomorrow, for us to get together, and catch back up. I know we spent more time apart than we did together, making the most of the times when our paths crossed. I just always assumed our paths would have more chances.
How can you not be here, for me to see tomorrow?
She sobbed uncontrollably in her pillow. Her mind tells her she should say goodbye, but her heart is not willing to do so. It will take a long time for this pain to subside, and acceptance to exist.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Casey drinks away his sorrow, so he sits down with his bottle of Johnny Walker. In times like these he drank to forget, but he also drank to remember. The alcohol brought forth memories, and released emotions. And, the alcohol also made it burn bright and intense, the reliving of those memories. Reliving the times he saved her life, and the times she saved his.
As Casey drank, the tears flowed. Over the years she had grown to be like a sister to him. Someone he could mess with, and had a big place in his heart.
From what Carina said, she was supposed to be coming to visit. He thought he'd get to see her one more time. But now there would be no more, one more time.
The alcohol served two functions, both as a fuel for the fire, but also as the extinguisher. The flame of his loss, burned bright Into the night, until finally the flame went out, as did he, into a dreamless slumber
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
The following day was Saturday, so the activities of their business day didn't intrude. Nothing roused them.
Carina was woken by a pounding on her door. Chuck's voice came loudly through the door. "Carina, Carina, are you awake?"
After a couple of tries, and clearing her throat, her voice raspy and thin, from a night of crying, called out, "It's open. Come in."
Chuck bursts into the room and excitedly cries, "She's alive. She's alive"
Carina sat up, tangled in her sheets, fully clothed, and now fully awake. Her red eyes wide in shock. "What? What are you talking about?"
Casey burst into the room, in boxers and a bathrobe. His clothes, hair and face all rumpled from a hard night. "What's all the racket, what's going on?" He groggily questioned.
"She's alive," Chuck excitedly replied, turning so he could see both of them.
Casey was now wide eyed and awake.
"Slow down," Carina interjected, "Chuck, what are you talking about? Did they find her?"
"No, but I am sure she is alive."
"How?" insisted Casey.
"Because she has to be." Came Chuck's reply. "She is too smart, too good, to die like that."
Casey and Carina, look askance at each other.
Chuck rapidly continued. "I had a dream about her and she was on a beach somewhere. It was vivid, she was wearing a blue swimsuit, sitting on a yellow towel. It seemed so real. I realized that must be a sign that she is still alive."
Casey and Carina sagged, as they realized what must be happening.
"Yeah, Chuck gleefully explained, "I bet she was observing Volkoff's grounds and saw the artillery barrage happen. Carina, you said she was acting burnt out. I bet she finally said the hell with all this and ran away, went off the grid. I bet she decided to just quit everything. She probably went to one of those exotic locations, you guys always talked about. Someplace like Bali, yeah like Bali."
"She is so smart, I'm sure she would find something to do. Like with her languages she could get a job working with tourists, being a boat guide, or a scuba instructor, or a surf instructor." A soft smile formed on his face, as with glistening eyes, he stared off into space, Imagining a contented Sarah, standing on a beach, watching a sunset.
Carina's heart was taking a beating. It stopped when he first burst into the room, it swelled at his good news, but rapidly deflated when she realized what was going on. She sent Casey a knowing glance, he caught it, nodded, his own churning emotions apparent on his face.
"Oh, Chuck." She thickly said, trying to keep her emotions under control.
"Don't you see it?" He asked questioningly, looking at her, then Casey.
"She's OK." He paused, confused. "Aren't you happy?"
It was a testament to her will, to her control over her emotions that Carina squeaked out a "Yes."
Chuck sat by her side, enveloping her in his arms. "It's all OK,'' he soothed. "She's not dead, she's just gone."
Carina managed to get out an accommodating truth, "But I still miss her." And she broke down, sobbing uncontrollably.
"It's OK, It's OK," Chuck reassured her. He looked up at Casey, dreamlike in his happiness.
Oh, Kid. You are broke. Why couldn't you guys get your shit together before this happened. Casey had gone through the same rollercoaster of emotions as Carina, excitement, hope, realization and a deeper sadness. Not just for the loss of Sarah, but the recognition that Bartowski was lost too.
However, he was still fairly numb from all of the previous nights, drinking. And the shot he took, on his way to this debacle, didn't hurt.
Damn, how are we going to work through this? Carina is taking it hard, and Chuck can't even deal with this reality.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
The next day, Sunday, Carina put up a framed picture of Sarah with a lit candle. Later in the day she found it had gone out. So, she re-lit it.
Before she headed to bed, she visited the picture again, and found again that the candle had gone out. She had just relit it and stepped back, reminiscing, when Chuck walked up, took in the situation, and walked up to the candle and blew it out. "We don't need that."
Carina looked at him a little shocked and confused.
"You only light candles for the dead, and Sarah isn't dead." He insistently told her. "She's just gone from our lives, finally living her dreams."
Chuck, Chuck, Chuck. What am I going to do about you? What am I going to do about myself? I miss her as much as I missed my parents, and I had forgotten how painful that was.
How much more painful must it be for Chuck, for him to break like this, to so strongly embrace the delusion.
She leaned into his arms. "You're right, she is just gone. But I miss her so much. Can you just hold me for a while, so I can come to terms with all of this."
"Sure, 'Rina, I am always here for you." He squeezed her tighter in his arms and kissed her on the top of her head.
He looked over at the shelf and commented, "That is a nice picture of her."
Later it turned up in an alcove, overlooking the garden
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Casey made a call to Beckman, explaining the events of the weekend, and requesting a break from missions for a week.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
A/N 3:
And there it is. A harsh reality of the Spy life. We saw so many killed in the show, without a second thought. But Hero's too, can die.
I probably lost all of you with this chapter, but this story will be continuing. How will they move forward?
If you are still out there, leave a review and let me know what you think. If you aren't reading this then leave a review too, as that will be really impressive.
