Chapter 14 – Lost

Author's Note: Depressed Obi-Wan was... interesting to write tbh. xD

To Guest: I'm glad that you like Anakin redeeming the name Vader! And as for black... well, he still somewhat sees himself as Vader, so he's trying to redeem his image as well. It wouldn't have been as impactful if he used a color other than black. Besides, black works well for what he's doing. :P Thanks for reviewing! :D

WARNING: Depression (major depression), slight (or more than slight) possessiveness, codependency (does that need a warning? xD).

~ Amina Gila


The first few days after Anakin escaped pass in a blur, and Obi-Wan can hardly remember most of them. It's all… hazy in his mind, intermingled with a deep-seated grief, a desperate longing to find Anakin, to bring him back. But it's not safe. It's not safe for him here. It's not safe for Anakin to be with the Jedi. At first, it felt like a raw wound, like losing Anakin all over again, and he had emotionally shut down to it. And maybe he still is shut down to it all.

He doesn't feel very okay. He feels like he's drifting, like he's lost. He feels like he did on Tatooine at the beginning, when even thinking Anakin's name could bring him to tears. Is it too much to ask that he be able to spend time with his child, that he and Anakin be able to actually repair something of their relationship? They were working on it; Anakin was coming back, and now, Obi-Wan has no idea what will happen. He has no idea if Anakin will still be as gray as he was before, or if he'll be darker whenever they meet again.

The Council was upset at Anakin's escape, and Obi-Wan was castigated for allowing it. He didn't apologize; he stood strong and defended Anakin, pointing out that Anakin had done nothing until the Jedi chose to attack him. They instigated the fight. They were intending to kill him. Even though he had done nothing. And by doing so, they pushed Anakin away. Away from Obi-Wan and away from the Order.

Unsurprisingly, Ahsoka isn't taking any of it well. She's upset at the Council, harboring a quiet seething anger towards them that alarms Obi-Wan. Or at least he'd be alarmed if he didn't feel so resigned. He knows that he's depressed, that he needs to pull himself together and keep moving, but… he can't. He's not a Jedi Master anymore. He stopped being a Jedi Master the moment he cut himself off from the Force after settling down on Tatooine. Since then, he's only been a man, and he's tired. He could have possibly recovered and become a Jedi again, but that didn't happen. He didn't let go of Vader entirely and abandon him to his fate.

The Force brought them back here, brought them back together, and Obi-Wan has to believe that it wasn't for nothing. He has to believe that there's some sort of reason for it, because surely, the Force could not be so cruel as to give him a glimpse at what he could have had before ripping it away from him forever.

The Jedi are searching for Anakin, but they aren't finding anything. Anakin is good at hiding when he doesn't want to be found, and now, it's out of necessity as much as it is out of desire. Obi-Wan wants nothing more than to feel Anakin's presence, to know that he's alright at least, but he can't even get that much. If Anakin reaches out, if he uncloaks his presence, the Jedi will feel it, and they'll hunt him down.

With Anakin being gone, Ahsoka has been left masterless, and Obi-Wan has picked up the slack where he can. He's not the best at being a master for her, but he was getting better with Anakin recently, so that must count for something. The biggest problem is that he doesn't really know Ahsoka the way he knows Anakin. They aren't strangers, obviously, but they aren't friends, either. They've never spent much time together, and in the future that he remembers, that didn't change. It only got worse after… Hardeen.

"We have to find him," Ahsoka states for what feels like the hundredth time.

Obi-Wan looks up at her, blinking and rubbing his eyes. He's tired, and he hasn't been able to sleep properly – his sleep is being interrupted by nightmares – but there's still work that needs his attention. And it doesn't help that he hasn't had to make Council reports in ten years. Also, the Council wants a detailed summary of the rest of the war, so he's struggling to put together something coherent.

"I just… I don't like the idea of him being out there alone," she explains, a hint of awkwardness slipping into the Force, which is when Obi-Wan realizes that he's been staring for too long.

"I would like to very much, but we have a duty here," he reminds her. "We cannot simply abandon the galaxy. Even Anakin didn't want to do that."

"But he's alone," she mumbles sulkily, "And he promised me snuggles."

Obi-Wan does his best not to roll his eyes. Teens. Seriously. "Would you like me to snuggle with you?" he asks her, only half joking.

Ahsoka pauses, contemplates, and finally, shrugs. "Why not?" She stands up from the chair she was in and crosses to the couch next to him, snuggling up to his side. It feels… weird to do this with her, to be this close to anyone but Anakin, but the physical contact is relaxing.

And Obi-Wan can't help but think about Padme because she deserves to know the truth. She deserves to at least know that her husband may never come back to her. But Obi-Wan doesn't want to be the one to tell her that. He doesn't want to be the one to break the truth. Still, wouldn't it be better if she hears it from him instead of from someone else?

Maybe Ahsoka hasn't spelled it out, but she misses Anakin terribly; he always spent time with her and never neglected her. Obi-Wan hasn't had the time that Anakin did, and also, it doesn't help that he's been so… depressed. Maybe it would be good for Ahsoka to go visit Padme as well. Maybe.

Obi-Wan leaves the matter for another hour before deciding to take a break after he catches himself staring blankly at the same sentence for three whole minutes. "Perhaps, young one, you might like to come visit Senator Amidala with me?" he proposes.

Ahsoka lights up instantly, and some of the despondency that has settled over her fades. "Yes! Are we going to tell her about… Anakin?" From her tone, it's obvious that she wants to.

"We will," Obi-Wan confirms. "I think she should at least know. She and Anakin were… close friends." Ahsoka doesn't know about their relationship, and Obi-Wan intends to keep it that way. It's not his story to tell; it's Anakin's. And Padme's.

"I know," Ahsoka nods, though from her casualness, it's clear that she has no idea about their romantic involvement with one another. And he'll keep it that way.

They take the short trip to 500 Republica – it's late enough in the day that Padme should be home – but Obi-Wan opts not to comm ahead. He doesn't want to have to awkwardly explain anything over the comm. It'll be best to answer her questions in person, especially since the Council has declared Anakin to be missing in action. He's officially "lost" as of now, partially to keep Palpatine from asking too many questions.

Padme is there when they arrive, and Obi-Wan can see the questions burning in her dark brown eyes as she ushers them into the living room. Ahsoka sits next to him, while Padme is across from them both. "I heard the news about Anakin," she states formally, obviously deducing the real reason for their sudden, unexpected visit. Obi-Wan isn't even surprised. She's good like that.

He nods to her. "I wanted to explain the situation to you in person, but you must keep this between us," he cautions. "No one else can know."

"What is it?" Padme queries, concern and apprehension tinging her words.

"I suppose there is no easy way to say this," he confesses, after a brief pause of trying to sort out his thoughts, "But Anakin and I… time travelled. We came from the future. From a little over eleven years into the future. In that time, Anakin Fell and became a Sith. It was… not good for anyone, and I will spare you the details. The truth is that he's on the run. The Council deemed him to be too dangerous, so they attempted to arrest him – or kill him, I'm not quite clear on which, and they will not tell me – and he escaped. We do not know where he is, and even if we did, it would not be safe for him here."

Padme's expression changes from disbelief to horror to sadness. "That's – I don't even know what to say to that, Obi-Wan," she admits, shaking her head. "Is he alright? He hasn't attempted to contact me at all."

"Truthfully, no, he's not alright," Obi-Wan tells her, "And he won't contact you, not given… everything which transpired. A lot has changed, and he may well not be the man you remember at all. I hope that you and he will be able to mend your friendship, but it will not be easy. There is more which happened, more which I cannot say, because it is his story to tell, not mine."

Padme seems disappointed but resigned. "I understand," she assures him, "And I hope that I will be able to speak with him sooner rather than later."

"As do I," Obi-Wan murmurs.

"How are you handling this, Ahsoka?" Padme asks kindly. "I imagine it must be hard for you. I know you and Anakin are close."

"I'm doing okay," Ahsoka answers hesitantly, and a little shakily. "Master Obi-Wan has been helping me." She fidgets, and Obi-Wan can almost feel the questions weighing on her mind. "I just – I don't understand," she finally blurts out, sounding frustrated. "I don't understand how the Council could do this. Jedi are supposed to help others, and I mean, I know that Anakin became a Sith in the future, that he is one now, but he didn't do anything! How is it fair to go after him like this when he hasn't done anything? Isn't it wrong to try and… eliminate him for something he only might do?"

Obi-Wan feels momentarily guilty that he hasn't taken the time to listen to Ahsoka's concerns. He hasn't really had the time either, and he – he admittedly does struggle with actually listening to concerns from his Padawans. Maybe he hasn't had that problem with Ahsoka yet, but it's probably only a matter of time, right? He and Anakin were doing so well only because they have nothing left to break, because they are more equals than they were when Anakin was still a Padawan. Ahsoka is so young, and it's Obi-Wan's job to guide her. How does he balance listening to her and making her listen to him?

While he hopes it's not something he'll have to worry about, it's not really realistic to assume otherwise, because Anakin isn't here to give him advice. And maybe, it would be best to let Padme talk to Ahsoka and learn from how she handles her.

"Yes," Padme confirms firmly, "That's wrong. The Council is not any more infallible than we are, Ahsoka. They can make mistakes too."

"But about something like this?" Her voice rises with disbelief. "They ought to know, shouldn't they? It's up to the Jedi to deal with the Sith. Shouldn't they know how to handle Anakin, or at the very least, allow Master Obi-Wan to deal with him?"

"They're afraid," he answers before he can stop himself. He's not defending the Council, not really, but it's important for Ahsoka to see all the sides of this. "In the future, Anakin was instrumental in destroying the Jedi Order. They're afraid."

Her brow furrows. "But Jedi aren't supposed to let their feelings, or fear, cloud their judgement."

His lips twist into a bitter smile. "I know." It's disconcerting to think about how badly the Council is failing to uphold their most basic tenets. If they had controlled their fear, they should have, at the very least, conceded to Obi-Wan's judgment and let him recommend the best way of dealing with Anakin. They might not have agreed, but they should have listened to him and taken his opinion seriously, since he knows Anakin better than almost anyone.

There's a momentary pause before Obi-Wan changes the subject. "There is one more thing which you should know," he says to Padme, lowering his voice. He knows that there is no one nearby who can hear, but he can't help but be cautious anyways. "Chancellor Palpatine is a Sith. He is Darth Sidious, the one who started the war."

Padme pales, though she controls her fear, as well as her ensuing anger, admirably. She processes that, and the implications, for a full minutes, before shaking her head and letting out a heavy sigh. "A lot makes sense if that's true," she admits, voice as quiet as his is. "It's as though every attempt at peace negotiations are interrupted, and the Separatists have a way of learning our intel, even when it's highly classified and secured. If he is the mastermind behind all of this, it makes so much sense."

Obi-Wan doesn't mention the inhibitor chips in the clones or how the entire Republic army can be turned against the Jedi on a moment's notice. It doesn't matter, and he knows better than to share everything with Padme. It's not that he doesn't trust her, because he does, but it's safer for her – and everyone – if she doesn't know everything. "As of now, the Council cannot take action against him," he continues, "Because we do not have any proof of Palpatine's guilt. With the right information in the right hands, it would be possible for us to take legal action against him."

"He controls the Senate and the courts," Padme answers numbly. "I'm not certain that you will be able to take any legal action against him without giving him a forewarning. You cannot simply arrest him, especially not without evidence, and he will not let himself be arrested."

Obi-Wan thinks back to what Anakin told him about what happened on Coruscant that led up to the destruction of the Jedi, and he completely agrees. He hates the part of him that feels a grudging admiration for how craftily Palpatine has set everything up, though he feels sick more than anything else. He also hates Palpatine with a fierce abhorrence. Palpatine brought down the Republic, the Jedi. He worked his way into Anakin's confidence and corrupted him, one of the best, if not the best, people Obi-Wan knows.

"I am aware," he replies. "We need to find evidence somehow."

A glint enters Padme's eyes, determination echoing softly into the Force. "I'll work on it," she promises. "I've got a few tricks up my sleeve, and I can manage to find something, at the very least. I can't promise it will obtained in a fully legal manner, but it will hopefully be enough to out Palpatine as the traitor he is."

Obi-Wan can't help but feel dubious, and he can sense Ahsoka's unease and uncertainty next to him. "Be careful," she cautions the Senator before snorting, "But you're just as reckless as Anakin can be when it comes to a mission. Still, be careful."

Padme gives Ahsoka a fond smile, and Obi-Wan is suddenly struck by the feeling that, in a way, she and Anakin are Ahsoka's parents. "I will be," Padme assures her.

They linger for a little longer, before Obi-Wan bids Padme farewell, promising to check in on her progress occasionally. They have time, but not too much time, before Palpatine starts changing his plans. And they need to be ready when he does. The Sith Master has destroyed enough already; Obi-Wan won't let him destroy the galaxy a second time.

Back at the Temple, Obi-Wan can't help but feel restless and out of place again. Being here is hard, even if the building itself is radiating a calm serenity. It only makes the memories of coming back, of seeing the bodies strewn in the halls and the blaster bolts scorching the walls even more jarring. He can't see the halls without his mind superimposing the images of the death and destruction. He can't see the Council chambers without remembering the younglings. It makes him almost desperate, frantic to check on Anakin, to know that he's alright.

Obi-Wan had seen the holorecordings showing his dearest friend killing the Jedi and being at the Temple is grating on an old wound that only half-healed. He has long since let go of the Jedi, of all the friends he lost. He was never able to let go of Anakin, of what Anakin did, if only because it was proof of how badly Obi-Wan had failed him.

Being among the Jedi is hard; it's as if he's looking at ghosts. He can't stop remembering the last times he saw them or their bodies lying dead and broken in the Temple. It won't stop. No matter what he does, it won't stop. Even meditating isn't enough. It seems that nothing is. He doesn't know how much longer he'll last here at the Temple. He needs to leave. The Temple, the planet, something. Preferably both. He has no desire to be on Coruscant, living under the shadow of Darth Sidious.

It would help if Anakin was here, though Obi-Wan imagines that the latter would be struggling just as much if he were on the planet. Seeing everything the way it used to be? Especially when he helped destroy it? It would be unbearable to him, no doubt. So, perhaps it is for the best that Anakin is away, that he isn't struggling here the same way Obi-Wan is.

But still, Obi-Wan misses him. Maybe it's scarcely been a week, but Obi-Wan misses him. And he seems unable to find even a semblance of peace if Anakin isn't at his side. It's not the Jedi way, and it's not healthy either, but it is what it is. His only hope is that Anakin isn't struggling as much as he is. The thought of Anakin struggling, and him being on the other side of the galaxy, too far away to help him… it hurts. It feels like a failure, even if it's not. He's helping the Jedi and working on a way to take down Sidious. That's protecting Anakin, albeit in a different way. That has to count for something, right?

And it's only then that he realizes he hasn't once worried about what Anakin is doing, hasn't once wondered if Anakin is doing anything… Sithly, or if he's… hurting – or killing – people. Perhaps he still trusts Anakin more than he realized.

Please be okay, Anakin, Obi-Wan thinks, though he knows that his once Padawan will never hear. Wherever you are, please be safe.

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