Mistakes are mine, the good parts are Miss Hadley! Beagle brag moment but I got to meet Hadley, Paige, and Pamela this weekend and it was the absolute best! :3
Thanks for reading! Please be gentle. See you soon!
36
- a lack of color -
It's been two weeks since Edward and I ended things, and every day that passes feels worse.
We haven't talked at all, but I've seen him a few times, coming and going. He leaves his house early and comes home late. Sometimes Seth is with him, sometimes not. I watch from the window, and every single time, he glances over at my house.
Maybe he sees me, maybe he doesn't.
He looks tired.
Exhausted.
Stressed.
I want to ask him about Gianna, but I don't.
I want to ask him if he misses me, but I don't.
I want to ask him, do you still think maybe one day? Even years down the road? Give me something, anything.
Maybe it's desperate and pitiful but I'd wait for him.
I would.
But I say nothing and do nothing and feel nothing.
This heartache bleeds into my life.
Coats everything in its ugliness.
Thankfully, I have Rose.
We've been talking every day since the accident and the breakup. I was the one who broke the news to her that Gianna is pregnant. I couldn't hold back, misery and heartache fueling that need to share my pain with my best friend.
Rose was shocked and nearly speechless. She couldn't offer any encouraging words other than a heartfelt "fuck."
Just a few days ago, we spent an evening on Rose's couch drinking wine while I wallowed. Mikey stayed overnight with Pete and Charlotte. Jared was at home, but I couldn't cry in my own house because he'd wonder what was wrong.
I let it all out, and Rose listened, free of judgment. I confessed how deeply in love I was with Edward. How sneaking around wasn't cutting it for either of us anymore, and we were both ready to take the next step in ending our marriages. I even showed her the photos we took together at my client's house after I'd transferred them from my camera to my phone.
Rose smiled sadly while looking at them, mumbling, "Girl, you should probably delete these. But damn. Look at you two."
I did look at us. For days, I couldn't stop staring at our photos. I'm not sure if it made everything better or worse.
After a few glasses of wine, Rose started throwing out some theories.
"You know… maybe Gianna got pregnant to trap him," she'd suggested.
"Don't tell me this," I mumbled sourly. "Besides, they're already married."
"Maybe she did it to keep him, I mean," Rose clarified.
I hated that idea, so I drank more.
"But maybe it was an accident. Maybe she won't want to have the baby," Rose offered up next. "She's not exactly… maternal, you know?"
It had been on my mind, but I didn't want to voice it aloud because I hated the hope it gave me. I shouldn't want someone to abort their child. I didn't want that.
But I also selfishly didn't want Edward to be tied to Gianna any more than he already had to be.
It's messy, and there doesn't seem to be one perfect solution for any of this. And maybe that's what I hate the most—the chaos of it all. My lack of control in this situation.
Jared thinks my sudden shift in mood is because of him. Because of our fight. Because he told me we need another baby to fix our marriage. I shrug it off and tell him I'm fine, and that I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to fight. I don't have the energy. But it's been two weeks, and I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.
It's not sustainable.
Nothing is changing because I'm letting things stay stagnant.
I need to do something, to feel something.
I felt everything before, but I feel nothing now, and I can't live like this—numb and unfulfilled.
It's the same way I felt when Jared tried having sex with me two days ago. He climbed on top of me when I was already in bed and whispered in my ear it'd been too long and he missed fucking me. It was the third time he'd tried that week, and I was resigned to giving in just so he'd leave me alone. His hands roamed and squeezed, slid and probed. With his fingers inside of me, I felt nothing. Then the weight of him felt off, and his kiss felt wrong, and panic started to rise in my chest seconds before he slid into me.
I pushed him away before he could.
He was pissed.
I told him I felt sick, and it wasn't even a lie.
I've been feeling sick every day for the last two weeks.
I can barely eat. Like right now. My food is untouched, and Jared's sitting across from me having dinner.
He does that twice a week. Makes it home in time for us to have dinner after he puts Mikey to bed. I told him I wanted this, but he's here, and I'd rather be alone.
"—about the beach?"
I look up.
"What?" I ask him.
He regards me, fork in hand. "I was saying maybe we should take a trip with Mikey this summer."
"Oh, maybe." I stare at my plate.
"Maybe?"
"I mean, yeah. Sure. Whatever you want."
He forks drops with a clank. "Bella, what is going on with you?"
"Nothing."
Everything.
"I told you I'm fucking sorry for our fight about having a baby. Why are you still acting distant like this?"
I bite my thumbnail. "Like what?"
"I don't know. You're just out of it," he mumbles, proving that he's much more perceptive than I give him credit for.
I am out of it, but that feels like an understatement. I might be depressed. Feels like it, anyway.
"Tell me what's going on," Jared urges. "Please."
I'm torn. Telling him would make everything worse. But wouldn't I feel better?
Tears well in my eyes because Edward was one of the best things in my life, and he's gone. We didn't even get to make the choice that we were ending. That's what feels the worst, I think. It was so abrupt. Our affair didn't have a natural end. We didn't stop because we didn't love each other or because we were simply done. It was out of our control.
I'm crying now. Full-on sobbing.
Jared frowns and moves from his spot, crouching down next to my chair.
"Babe, wha—"
"I had an affair with Edward."
I just blurt it.
The words just leave my mouth before I even know I'm going to say them.
It feels good to finally confess it aloud.
A weight has been lifted, and clouds of doom no longer hang over me.
It feels good until I see Jared's face shift from concern to outrage.
But he stays eerily silent.
He doesn't say a word.
He's still crouched, and I'm still crying.
I bury my face in my hands.
I can hear him stand, moving away from me. I'm afraid to look at him. I'm afraid about what is going to happen next, and I worry I deceived Edward by coming clean about our affair. It's ironic, or maybe just fucked-up, that I feel more like I betrayed Edward than I do Jared.
The room is still silent.
I can't believe I blurted it.
But fuck, I couldn't go on any longer. I was suffocating, drowning in sadness and heartache, and I needed to come clean to start healing.
"So, you fucked him," is the first thing Jared says, voice flat.
With my face still buried in my hands, I just nod.
"That son of a bitch," he spits. I look at him now, through my tears. "When?" he demands. "And how fucking long did this go on for?"
I can't think straight. "Um… just… a few weeks? It's over. It's over now." Only because it had to be.
He thinks and thinks and thinks. "Did you fuck him in Napa?" he asks, eyes wild.
"N-no. No. We didn't fuck, but we… it wasn't fucking." How am I doing this? Telling him this? How do I tell my husband that no, we did other intimate things, and it was one of the most erotic experiences of my life?
"When did you let him fuck you, Bella?" he urges.
I can't.
I can't tell him I fucked Edward after my open house.
The shame would kill me.
It will kill him.
Shaking my head, I refuse to answer. I know I'll tell him everything, just not now. I can't now.
I inhale and exhale shakily.
Jared's silent again.
Pacing.
Suddenly, he punches the wall.
I flinch.
He's not fazed by the pain.
"The night you were supposedly out with Rose, yeah? You were with that fucking asshole?" Jared asks, and I merely nod. "The entire time I had a gut feeling. You just… you fucking looked me in the eyes and slept beside me at night, and you were fucking him all along? Lying to me? Laughing behind my back?" he says angrily.
"No, no. It wasn't like that," I mumble.
"How the fuck could you do this to me?" he asks, moving toward me now, towering over me. I look down at the floor, and he grabs my chin roughly. "No, fucking look at me, Bella. Look me in the fucking eyes, and tell me how could you do this to me? To Mikey?"
I shake with sobs, and he lets go. "I don't know."
"You don't know? You cheated on me for weeks, and you don't know?" His voice booms louder with every word.
"I just—I—" I'm gasping for air. "Things were so bad between us. I don't f-feel like you listen to me? Appreciate me. Or even care?"
"You don't think I fucking care?" he yells. "So, that's your solution? Fuck the neighbor, fuck up our marriage. Screw Edward, screw our vows," he says with a humorless laugh, looking at me with disgust. I can take his anger. What I can't take is when his face falls, like he finally realizes that this is happening to us. I did this to us. His eyes shine with tears, and he turns away from me.
"Jared."
I don't know how I get up from the table, but I do.
I move toward him, legs shaky, body vibrating, and with him still facing away from me, I hug him from behind, my face pressed against his back.
"I'm sorry," I cry. "I'm so fucking sorry."
He doesn't push me off. He just stands there, rigidly, likely sickened from my touch.
After a beat, his body shakes, like he's crying.
It guts me.
This isn't what I wanted, but I didn't stop it.
We both hear it then.
The slamming of a door and the familiar beep of a car being locked.
Edward's home.
Jared tries to pull away from me.
"Jared, don't," I plead, holding him tighter.
"Fucking let go, Bella," he spits, roughly removing my arms from his body and rushing outside.
I'd chase after him, but I can't move. I'm paralyzed with fear, standing at the front door. I'm unprepared for what is about to happen because part of me doesn't want to believe it. Part of me doesn't want to accept the fact that I just told my husband I had an affair, and now he's going to confront Edward.
"Jared!" I call out, and it's my panicked voice that makes Edward glance in our direction.
His eyes land on a furious Jared marching his way across the yards.
Edward could move and avoid this.
Head inside and lock the door.
He has time.
But he just stands there by his car, eyes locked on Jared, and he waits.
It happens too fast, then. Jared roughly grabs Edward by the shirt and decks him in the face.
I knew it was coming, but that doesn't make it any less shocking to see it actually happen. When Jared's arm rears back again, I snap out of it. I rush over, but his fist makes contact with Edward's mouth. I pull on Jared as hard as I can, yanking his shirt, his arm, anything. But it doesn't deter him because his fist connects with Edward's face a third time.
"Jared, stop!" I scream. "Please, please, please."
Thankfully he steps back, pivoting away from me. Edward's bent over, holding his face.
"You fucking motherfucker," he growls, glaring at Edward. "How dare you fucking touch my wife!"
My heart pounds, a mixture of fear and adrenaline coursing through me.
Edward straightens, his eyes distant and accepting.
His cheekbone is red.
His lip, bloodied.
"I'm sorry," Edward tells him firmly, looking him in the eyes.
It doesn't help.
Jared laughs bitterly. "You're fucking sorry, huh?"
Jared's anger further rises, and he lunges toward Edward again, but I move between them, putting myself right there, my back pressed against Edward's front, so he can't hurt him.
If he hurts him, he hurts me.
Tension rises, and I see the exact moment in Jared's eyes when he realizes I'm defending Edward. I'm picking him. Choosing him. I don't want him to hurt Edward because I have actual feelings. I see the moment it registers for him that this wasn't a fling. It was real.
It's real.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Jared roars, getting in my face.
I can feel Edward tense behind me like he's pissed and about to yell at Jared. Edward places a protective hand on my shoulder, and Jared immediately zeroes in on it.
"Jared, please, stop," I plead. "Please. I hate this, I fucking hate this. Let's go inside and talk. Just you and me."
I say it with strength and confidence. This is what Edward's mere touch does to me.
Jared's eyes darken, disgust and disbelief in his tone. "Fuck you, and fuck him. You two deserve each other," he mutters, his chest heaving as he walks backward. "I'm done," he says to me.
Then he walks toward the house.
I blink, confused. I don't know why because what did I expect? I'd tell my husband I cheated on him, and he'd want to stay? That's not even what I want, but it's still shocking.
Stepping away from Edward takes effort. I'm dizzy, and my heart is still racing. Do I go after Jared? Part of me doesn't want to. I'm scared and sick and wish I hadn't said anything at all.
The garage door opens, stealing my attention, and Jared's car hastily backs out of the driveway.
And then he's gone. Speeding down the road, tires squealing against the pavement.
My knees buckle, and I lose my strength to stand here, the shock and embarrassment and remorse I feel are too overwhelming.
I hate what I did to him.
I hate that Edward got hurt over it.
I hate that I broke my family, and broke Jared.
I hate that I would do it again because I'm in love with Edward, and that overshadows even these consequences.
"Bella," Edward's voice is soft. "Baby, come here. Please."
"I'm so sorry," I cry as he helps me stand. "I'm sorry I told him. I'm sorry he hit you. I'm sorry—"
He shushes me and pulls me against his chest, and it's the most whole I've felt in the last two weeks.
"Are you okay?" he asks me, stroking the back of my head, soothing me.
"No. This is such a mess. I fucked up."
"It's okay," Edward whispers. "I'm not mad. I deserved that."
I pull back to inspect his face, my fingers brushing his swollen lip.
"I'm so sorry," I murmur, my tears slowing from being comforted by him. He wipes my cheeks for me. "I just missed you so much. I've missed you, and I couldn't take it anymore."
His throat bobs. He has dark circles under his eyes, and his cheeks are unshaven.
"I know exactly how you feel," he tells me. "It's been a rough two weeks."
This doesn't make me feel any better because knowing he's been dying inside, too, hurts me.
"Let me ice your face," I whisper. "Please."
He looks down at the ground. "You should go home, Bella. Don't worry about me."
My heart deflates in my chest.
"Of course, I'm worried about you. After this and… Gianna? I'm worried, and I still love you," I confess.
His eyes shut for a moment, and he exhales loudly, and I can't tell if he's relieved or even sadder to hear me say it. After a beat, sincere green eyes find mine. "I love you, too. I'll always love you. But if Jared comes back and finds you with me, I would fucking hate that for you… and for him."
He's thinking logically.
I am not.
Maybe this is for the best. My priorities are fucked. My husband just left me after discovering I deceived him, and I'm more concerned about wanting to take care of Edward.
"Right," I say, sounding as rejected as I feel.
"I'm sorry," Edward mumbles, looking torn.
"What about one day?" I have to ask. I have to know.
His gaze falls. "I can't ask that of you anymore."
"You're not asking. I'm telling you I want that," I murmur, desperate for any ounce of hope he can give me. "I should've told you two weeks ago—I can wait for you."
His eyes meet mine, and they're so soft. So soft and good and filled with so much love. I can feel that from his stare.
"We haven't thought this through," he tells me. "What's gonna happen? Gianna's gonna have my baby, and you and I are going to eventually raise it half the time? It's fucked up. I told you, I'm not asking that of you. I don't expect that."
When he lays it out like that, yeah. That would be incredibly fucking difficult. It would be hard to see that baby. To help raise it. A constant reminder of everything that has transpired and been delayed. I could push through the resentment, though. For him, I think I could. But that's not to say it would be easy.
"Just promise me one day. That's all I need," I beg, not caring about the logistics.
"I don't even… I can't think past tomorrow, Bella. Everything is day by day. Everything is so fucked up right now. My head is in a bad place, and I miss you so goddamn much. Every minute. Every fucking second. Of course, I want us to be together one day. Of course, I fucking do. And even if I'm still going to ask Gianna for a divorce…" His face looks pained. "I can't make you raise that baby."
Nothing has changed.
I blew up my life, but nothing has changed.
He's going to help Gianna recover. Help her raise their baby. And I'll still be alone.
If a heart could break twice, I'd say mine just did.
