Helen was shocked. "Please, repeat that, mom." Helen wasn't sure she heard her mother correctly the first time.
"The scans showed cancer in my lungs, liver and kidney," Edna repeated. Helen sat hard in the kitchen chair, forgetting about dinner cooking in the oven. Edna kept an eye on the timer. "I have two years left. I've decided to travel for the next year and work through my bucket list."
"No," Helen replied. "I won't let you. I'll have the doctor declare you unfit to make medical decisions." Helen didn't want her mother to gallivant all over the states to fulfil the idiotic bucket list. Who creates a list of tasks to complete? Technically, Helen does, but that's a to-do list, not a frivolous list of things to do before you die. It's macabre at best.
Her mother had a fixed income. She couldn't afford to visit the places she had on her list. Helen thought her mother's idea was ridiculous. "I don't need your permission, Helen. Stephanie and I are travelling around the world. We will neither accept nor tolerate your interference." Edna glared at Helen, daring her to open her mouth to spew that vitriol she often threw at Stephanie.
Helen wisely remained silent. Internally, she scoffed. Stephanie had less money than her mother. She had to get Joseph Morelli involved. Surely, Stephanie would curtail this nonsense when her fiancé forbade her to travel. "Why aren't you getting treatment?" Helen suddenly asked. She watched her mother slam down a blank face. When did mom learn that trick? Mom probably spent too much time around those thugs and criminals.
Edna closely watched Helen. She knew the second Helen decided to get Morelli involved. Edna was seething. How dare Helen involve that asshole? He coerced her into the Morelli garage when she was six. Her granddaughter was molested by the youngest Morelli boy when she was merely a child. Helen swept it under the carpet as though it was insignificant. Then she punished Stephanie for participating. Not once did she stand up to defend her daughter. Helen didn't seek retribution for the actions of the boy.
When Edna attempted to step into the protective role, Harry stopped her. He said, "Stephanie is Helen's daughter. We may not agree with the punishment, but it's Helen's job as the parent to discipline Stephanie as she sees fit." Edna was furious. She resented Harry more. The straw which broke the camel's back was when Morelli took advantage of Stephanie when she was sixteen. Once again, Harry told Edna not to interfere, but Edna didn't listen. She arranged for Stephanie to sleep over on the weekends, claiming it was easier when Stephanie helped in the gardens. Helen jumped at the chance to get rid of her worthless youngest daughter.
The poems written in washrooms around the Burg displayed, in detail, everything Morelli did to Stephanie. Then the asshole gave Stephanie the derogatory nickname of Cupcake to constantly remind her of the incident when she was sixteen. Stephanie had enough reminders of that day. Frank was furious. He went after the youngest Morelli boy, but he was untouchable in the Navy. Morelli had timed his assault to avoid retribution from Frank Plum.
Harry and Edna had travelled to Cincinnati to visit his family during the Christmas holidays that year. Helen begged them to take Stephanie. She ruined their Thanksgiving by acting like a Debbie downer. Helen didn't want Stephanie to ruin their Christmas too. Harry reluctantly agreed. Edna couldn't have been happier. She loved her baby granddaughter. Stephanie was like sunshine on a cloudy day. Nothing prevented Stephanie from seeing the good in people or every situation.
Edna thought back to their visit. Harold and Bertrand hadn't visited each other since Bert moved his family to Cincinnati when his wife, Annalise, got pregnant with their son, Henry. They couldn't have more children after Henry's birth. Henry and his wife, Rose, only had one son named Calvin. Serena had miscarried ten times since they got married a few years earlier. They had tried everything to have a baby. Their only option was adoption. With Calvin in the military, the adoption agencies refused to give them a child. All hope was lost until December 28th, when Savannah Rose was prematurely born.
"Mom! Pay attention," Helen screamed. Edna shook her head to look at Helen.
"Stop screeching like a banshee," Edna snapped. "I was reminiscing." Helen rolled her eyes. The oven timer chimed before Helen could ask Edna what she was thinking. Helen watched her mother from the corner of her eye as she placed the hot lasagna on top of the stove. She turned off the oven before setting the timer for ten minutes for the lasagna to rest. The gravy boiled on the back burner. Helen turned it down to a low simmer.
"Mom, can you watch the gravy?" Helen politely asked.
Edna narrowed her eyes at Helen, wondering what she was plotting. "It's sauce," Edna corrected. Why Helen insisted on calling all sauce gravy was a mystery to Edna.
"Gravy," Helen argued. "It's what Frank's mother called it." Edna rolled her eyes. Helen needed to get with the times and use the correct label for the tomato-based sauce. Edna stirred it, then turned off the burner. It was cooked enough. Helen went upstairs to her bedroom to change. Why did her mother have to be so argumentative?
While Helen was busy changing, Edna visited Frank in the living room. Frank muted the TV and asked, "Who did she invite?"
"Probably that asshole Morelli. Stephanie broke up with him the other night. He tried to impregnate Stephanie," Edna replied. Edna had told Frank about her diagnosis the day she found out. Frank was supportive of her desire to fulfil her bucket list. "Morelli isn't the man for my baby granddaughter."
"I agree. How do we get rid of the asshole?" Frank knew Edna would have a plan in place. He laughed as Edna described how she would stop Morelli from manipulating Helen into dinner invitations.
"Remember, avoid the sauce in the gravy boat," Edna whispered when she heard Helen come down the stairs. Frank tapped his nose. Edna went to the kitchen to help Helen with the last minute meal preparation. She dropped six squares of ex-lax into the gravy boat before adding the piping hot tomato sauce. Edna stirred it thoroughly. She touched the spoon to her tongue, ensuring the chocolate flavour got masked by the copious amount of garlic Helen added to the sauce. Edna poured more tomato sauce into a glass measuring cup for Frank.
"We only need the gravy boat, mother," Helen said as Edna carried the two containers of sauce to the dining room table.
"It's fine, Helen. Frank could have his own, and you wouldn't have to refill the gravy boat after Morelli empties it onto his plate," Edna explained. Helen nodded, satisfied with her mother's explanation. Edna placed the glass measuring cup beside Frank. He raised an eyebrow. She pointed to the gravy boat and mouthed, "No." Frank understood.
~~~~~~~~~~
Stephanie didn't want to go home for dinner. Her spidey sense was humming louder as she approached her parents' house. When she saw Joe Morelli's car parked in front of the house, Stephanie continued driving down the street. She turned onto Mill St., where Mary Lou lived, then called her best friend. "Hello," Mary Lou answered after a few rings.
"Hey, Lou, it's Steph. I parked out front. May I come in?" Stephanie asked.
"Of course, but you need to stay for dinner. I just put a pot of spaghetti and meatballs on the table." Mary Lou loved when her best friend, Stephanie, dropped by the house. A lot of other Burg women got put off by last-minute arrivals, but Mary Lou always welcomed her friend. "Is everything okay?" Mary Lou asked as she opened the door.
"We can talk after dinner. Thanks for letting me stay," Stephanie replied. Mary Lou waved her hand to dismiss her friend's concern. She dragged Stephanie to the table, then pushed her into the seat across from the boys. Lenny smiled, then went into the kitchen to grab another plate, glass and utensils. He poured iced tea into Stephanie's glass and placed it in front of her.
"Welcome to the Stankovic meal of madness," Lenny joked. He turned to his sons, Mike and Jeremy, to warn, "No food fights with guests in the house, or you lose computer privileges." The boys nodded. They knew their father would carry out his threats. Jocelyn, Mary Lou's youngest and only daughter, grinned at her aunt Stephanie.
~~~~~~~~~~
Helen excused herself to grab another glass of iced tea that was really Jimmy Beam. She took a sip before returning to the dining room. Stephanie was late. Dinner got ruined. "Where is Stephanie?" Helen heard Joe ask.
"Those thugs and criminals must have her on lockdown," Helen replied. She sat in her designated seat at the opposite end of the table from Frank. "Dinner's already ruined. We may as well eat." Joe shrugged, then held his plate toward Helen for a large piece of lasagna. He preferred his mother's dish with sausage and spicy peppers. Helen cooked the garlicky ground beef version. Don't get him wrong, he enjoyed Helen's cooking, but she used more garlic than necessary. Joe would sweat garlic for days. Stephanie never stayed whenever he consumed that much garlic.
Edna watched as Morelli reached for the gravy boat. He emptied it onto his pasta as she predicted. Helen's lips thinned as she watched the two cups of sauce drown the lasagna on Joseph's plate. She looked at Frank in time to see a small smile appear on his lips. "Excellent food," Joe said after taking a bite. Frank and her mother slowly ate as they watched Joe quickly empty his plate. Joe used the garlic bread to mop up the remaining sauce. Helen wondered what her mother had done.
"I'll help with dessert," Edna announced, then jumped up from the table. She grabbed the gravy boat to wash before Helen caught onto her plan. Edna scrubbed the few spots of melted chocolate from the bottom before dropping it into the sink filled with hot, soapy water. The asshole never noticed the slight change of flavour. She wondered when the ex-lax aftertaste would hit Joe's tongue.
Helen entered the kitchen a few minutes later to grab the pineapple upside down cake from the counter. "I added more whipped cream." Helen nodded at her mother. It's what she would have done too. Edna carried the dessert plates to the dining room. Helen served Joe an extra large serving of cake since Stephanie wasn't around for her favourite dessert.
After eating, Joe excused himself. He thanked the Plums for dinner and promised to return the following week. "Why don't you come over for Thanksgiving tomorrow?" Helen asked.
"I'm sorry, but I have plans with my family. We're having the extended family visit from out of town. Please, give Stephanie my apologies for not attending your meal," Joe said. His stomach felt funny. Joe could feel the heaviness of the lasagna wreak havoc on his intestines. He had to get home before he crapped his pants. Helen handed him a bag of leftovers. He reluctantly accepted the food, knowing it would end up in the trash. What did Helen put into the food? Joe noticed a strange aftertaste in his mouth but couldn't place it.
Frank and Edna watched Joe out the living room window. Edna grinned when Joe placed his hand firmly against his guts. "I bet he doesn't make it home in time," Edna whispered.
"I'm not willing to bet against you because I agree," Frank said. Edna pushed Frank toward his chair before she helped Helen with the dishes.
Joe's gut churned as he drove toward his home. He parked in the driveway, pleased he made it home before exploding. When Joe reached into the car to grab the food, gas erupted from his ass. He felt relief before he smelled it. Joe crapped himself. He looked toward his crotch to see a brown stain grow on his faded jeans. Joe decided dining with the Plums was hazardous to his health. He didn't know if Frank or Edna was responsible. Joe suspected it was the grandma.
Edna cackled from her bedroom. Maureen Jansen sent her pictures of Joe Morelli with brown stains on his pants. She got photographs from the front and back. Edna couldn't have been happier. It couldn't have happened to a better person. She quickly sent the images to everyone she knew. Edna requested that each recipient forward them to others.
"Mother, what have you done?" Helen asked, holding up the empty box of ex-lax she found in the trash.
"Exactly what the shithead deserved. I will do it again if you invite him for dinner. Joe Morelli will never become my grandson-in-law. Stephanie is too good for that Morelli boy," Edna replied, defending her actions. Helen huffed, then returned to the kitchen. How is Stephanie supposed to get married and have children? Joe Morelli was the last of the decent Burg men.
"Why me?" Helen wondered. Why did she get the rejected daughter and enabling mother? When with those two women learn? Stephanie was supposed to be a boy. Helen was disappointed in her youngest daughter from the day she was born. How dare the child be another girl? Helen was the only Burg mother without a son or grandson. It embarrassed her. Valerie was pregnant with her fifth child. Hopefully, Valerie could redeem Helen's reputation in the Burg by providing a male heir.
~~~~~~~~~~
Stephanie's phone chimed when she got home. She noticed her grandmother sent her a text with a few pictures attached. Stephanie waited until she got inside her apartment before viewing the images. Her face registered shock before she started laughing. Grandma put ex-lax in the tomato sauce Joe used for dinner. Stephanie wondered if Joe would decline future dinner invitations. If not, then her grandma was willing to continue the assault until Joe finally got the message.
"Grandma, I love you," Stephanie texted.
Her grandmother replied, "I love you too. Brown looks good on Morelli." Stephanie couldn't agree more.
Lester burst out laughing at his desk. A few men ran to his office to see what was funny. He typed on his phone, sending the images to every Rangeman employee. "Man, it's going to take him a long time to get rid of that stench," Hal said, laughing.
"Are you speaking from experience?" Lester asked.
Hal blushed but said, "No. My nephew was four when he had an accident. He got the flu, and it came out of both ends. It took three baths before I couldn't smell the shit on him." Lester laughed. "Should we tell him to add baking soda to his bath water?"
"No," everyone replied.
