- Chapter 248 -
The Crazy Badger's Guide to Trapping Rednecks
Wyldwest, one day ago
"Then it looks like it's settled," Sally said. "Sonic, Bunnie, Antoine, Hope, Sam, Shard, Rotor, Cosmo, and I will go to Sand Blast City to find Beauregard. The rest of you will look after Miss Lulumae and keep an ear out for Robotnik attacks."
"Right!" the others declared.
"Princess Sally?" Cream began.
"Yes, Cream?"
"Could I come with you to Sand Blast City?"
Bunnie was clearly against the idea. "Cream, you shouldn't even be here in the first place."
"But Mr. Beauregard is in trouble!" Cream insisted, "I..."
"Cream, this isn't like what happened with Chaos or with Emerl," Sonic cut in. "These new Egg Soldiers are cold-blooded killers. You're a valued member of our team, no one will deny that. But there's a reason we left Team Thorndyke behind, and why we tried to do the same for you. It's just too dangerous. Please…"
He looked at Cream intently. Eventually, she sighed. "Alright..."
"Thank you," Sonic turned to Lulumae. "Alright, we're ready."
She chucked the ring, opening a portal.
"Hang on, Uncle Beau…" Bunnie swore. "We're comin'."
The team leaped through the ring. Cream sighed. "I guess I'd better go home."
"Sorry, Cream," said Tails. "Maybe you can go on another mission. Here, I'll open you a ring back home."
He pulled out a ring.
"Cheese!" Cream shouted.
With a chirp, Cheese lunged at Tails, swiping the ring right out of his hand.
"Cheese?!" Tails exclaimed as he handed Cream the ring.
"Sorry, guys, but I gotta do something! I'll make it up to you!" With that, Cream threw the ring.
"Cream, stop!" Tails ran to catch her, but it was too late; she jumped through, the portal closing behind her.
"Has she lost her mind!?" Porker demanded.
Tails cringed, rubbing his eyes in annoyance and dread. "Sonic's so gonna kill me for this…" He sighed, pulling out his com. "Well... better to face the music now."
He typed in Sonic's number.
"We are sorry, but the number you have dialed is not available or has traveled outside the coverage area. Please hang up and try again later."
"Huh?!" Tails exclaimed. "The call got dropped!"
Amy herself hung up. "I can't get ahold of Sally either!"
"Wait…" Porker perked. "That can't be right. We specifically designed everyone's communicators with unlimited data and Wi-Fi anywhere on the planet! The only way a call couldn't get through is if…"
"Someone was jamming the signal," Tails realized.
"The interference..." Johnny perked. "That must be what Hope was talking about, it must be active! Crap, they just warped into a dead zone!"
"Now what do we do?" Knuckles asked.
His answer came in a rock that came flying through one of the few unbroken windows, nailing Shorty in the head and bouncing off his helmet.
"Shorty!" Tekno cried.
A second rock came flying, Knuckles catching it.
"Looks like we have problems of our own," said the echidna.
The group gathered outside the window to see a group of Mobians in a truck throwing rocks at the house.
"Oh great…" Porker sighed. "Rednecks."
"Dadgummit!" Lulumae scowled, picking up her shotgun.
"Miss Lulu?" Amy asked.
"It's them," Lulumae remarked.
"What the…" Shorty began. "Who the hell are these assholes?"
"The ones who've been givin' Bunnie and me nuthin' but grief these past few weeks…" Lulumae grimaced. "The Junkyarders."
Lulu stepped outside and pointed the shotgun into the air, blasting a warning shot into the sky.
"I thought I told you morons to get! Off of! My! PROPERTY! I ain't tellin' you again!"
"Maybe you should've thought of that before you called Sonic in to clean up yer mess and let him beat up our pal!" one of them shot back.
"This one's for Murphy, ya hag!" A second thug threw a rock right at Lulumae, but before it could hit her, the Piko Piko Hammer came swinging in, batting it aside. Amy stood before Lulu, glaring at them.
"Don't you know how to treat a lady?!" she shouted. "I think you dumb hicks could do with a lesson in manners!"
The thugs cowered in fear, though some of them scowled at the pink hedgehog.
"Now hold yer horses!" The mob parted as a new figure stepped forward, a tall, thickly-built Mobian bull in ragged, weathered clothing.
"Rocky…" Lulumae hissed.
"Well now, lookee what we got here. Seems the Nutkins finally decided to come and play." He spat a huge loogie on the ground.
"Ew…" Amy cringed. "Gross."
"What's a Nutkin?" Tekno asked.
"What folks 'round here folks from Acorn," Lulu explained. "Not kindly, at least."
"Hang on…" Shorty piped up.
"What's up, Shorty?" Knuckles questioned.
"That bull looks familiar…" Shorty's eyes widened. "Holy crap! That's the guy who tried to hit on Bunnie back in Mirage Saloon during the Phantom Ruby mess!"
"He WHAT?!" Lulumae shrieked.
"And just who are you, Shortstack?" the bull asked.
"I guess you don't recognize me out of my metal shell. I'm-"
"Never mind. I stopped caring," Shorty's eye twitched as the bull turned to Lulumae. "And for the record, Lulu, I only did that because your niece was far away! I didn't know what she was until she strangled me with her freaky robot arm!"
"Bullshit!" Shorty snapped. "All she did was grab your wrist because you wouldn't keep your hooves to yourself!"
"Why you lil'-" the bull was cut off when Lulumae fired her shotgun at him, causing him to jump back.
"I told ya to get lost, ya rib-eyed idjit! Bunnie ain't even here no more! So grab yer boys and beat it!"
The thugs murmured amongst themselves, one leaning to the bull.
"Rocky, maybe we should get outta here," he suggested. "She's got Sonic's crew backin' her up."
Rocky grabbed a rock from the truck, smashing it over his head.
"Ow! What was that for?!"
"Fer bein' an idiot!" Rocky smashed another rock over his head.
"If I were you, I'd listen to your goon," Johnny tapped his staff in his hand for emphasis. "Turn around and walk away, and we won't have to hand you your own asses on a silver platter."
"Ha!" Rocky scoffed. "We ain't scared of you, we've seen the news! Yer losin' your edge!"
"We can still give a bunch of dumb hicks like you a beatdown," Knuckles shot back.
"Oooh!" Rocky mocked. "I'm shakin'! Sanic the Hidgehorg's loser, Nutkin friends are gonna beat me up!"
Rocky laughed, the mob joining in, which was cut off when Knuckles suddenly punched him in the face, knocking him on his tail.
"Still feel like laughing, you stupid fat cow?" Knuckles asked.
"COW?!" Rocky exclaimed, offended.
"Knuckles!" Tails pointed. "Over there!"
Knuckles turned, seeing several thugs aim guns at him. "Oh no! (1)"
As the thugs pulled the triggers, Porker acted quickly, throwing a small metal disc at Knuckles. The disc produced a force field, blocking the bullets.
"Thanks, Porker!"
"No prob! Shorty!"
"On it!" Shorty fired his lasers at the thugs' guns, causing them to overheat. The thugs let out girlish screams of pain as they dropped their now red-hot weapons; comically waving and blowing on their hands.
"Looks like they're really packing heat now, eh?" he quipped.
Tekno sighed. "Leave the bad jokes to Sam, Shorty."
"Why you…!" Rocky growled.
"Last warning, Rocky," Knuckles cut in. "Grab your friends, grab your shit, get the hell away from Lulumae and her family, and stay away. If you don't..." He punched into his fist, causing a small explosion of Chaos Energy. "I'm going to hit you over the head with a rock."
Rocky gritted his teeth before regaining his composure. "Fine! Boys, we're goin' home!"
The mob dispersed, running off or getting back into their trucks.
"No good, Egghead-lovin' Nutkins..." Rocky spit on the ground again as he left.
"Well... that happened," Tekno mused.
"Yeah..." Amy sighed. "At least it's over, though."
"Like hell it is." Everyone turned to Lulumae at that. "Rocky and his goons are stubborn. They'll be back. And I'll bet ya a bushel of carrots they'll have more goons and guns than before."
"Of course…" Johnny sighed.
"Should we call the police?" Tekno asked.
"Won't do any good," Lulumae replied. "Rocky has pals on the police force. And, of course, they're anti-Eggman and let him do whatever the hell he wants."
"Seriously?!" Porker shrieked.
"How do you think things got as bad as they did?" Lulumae deadpanned.
"Southern Baronies stubbornness?" Tekno questioned.
Lulumae gave her a look. "Honey... that was a rhetorical question."
"So, to recap, we've got a bunch of anti-Eggman yokels and corrupt cops who won't lift a finger to help us," Shorty rubbed his eyes in annoyance. "Great…"
"Miss Lulu, I think the best option you have is to move," Tails insisted.
"Like hell I am!" Lulumae declared. "This is my land! My property! I ain't gonna roll over and abandon it because of a bunch of brain-dead pissants!"
"But if you stay here, they could kill you!" Amy objected.
"If it ain't me, it'll just be somebody else," Lulumae shot back. "And they'll be even nastier about it."
"Then... what can we do?" Porker asked.
A moment of silence passed before they heard Sticks snickering to herself. It soon spiraled into a creepy chuckle, then a full-blown evil laugh.
"Uh... Sticks?" Amy asked uncomfortably.
"Sooo, it's finally time..." Sticks declared. "They all said it wouldn't happen. That it'd be more likely for a snowball to get struck by lightning twice after winning the frozen underworld lottery. But who's laughing now?!"
"Sticks…" Shorty began, "Did you take your medicine this morning?"
"Maybe," Sticks replied cryptically. "But that's not the point. The point is, now it's Sticks' time in the spotlight! Sticks' time to shine! Because Sticks has the perfect solution to deal with our banjo-dueling, moonshining 'friends'."
"Dare I ask what it is?" Amy deadpanned.
Sticks motioned for everyone to gather around. As they huddled around her, she began whispering in a hushed tone. "And that's the plan! So, what do you think?"
"Sticks, that has to be the craziest, most wild, hair-brained scheme you've ever thought of!" Amy exclaimed.
"Aaaand?"
"And darn it, it's a really good idea."
"Yes!" Sticks pumped her fist before counting on her fingers. "I'm gonna need a bucket of ice water, a blowtorch, two big logs… A generator and some jumper cables… A rake… A bag of marbles… A bag of thumbtacks… A hat for the local sports team… And whatever junk Tekno has in her magic, infinite space pockets."
"I-I don't have magic, infinite space pockets!" Tekno objected.
"Oh, really?" Sticks immediately began rummaging through Tekno's pockets, pulling out her Graviton Cannon, several fuel cells, a toolbox, a portable computer, and a comically large sandwich.
"...Okay, so I use Warp Rings to give myself hammerspace pockets," Tekno defended. "Sue me."
"That's what happened to all my spares?" Tails asked.
"Alright, we have a plan," Knuckles said, trying to get things back on track. "Let's gather up all the supplies and get busy before these assholes get back."
"Right!" everyone declared.
"This… is gonna be fun," Sticks threw her head back and laughed evilly, only to abruptly stop and glare at the others. "C'mon! Laugh with me so I don't look like a jerk!"
"Oh!" Knuckles perked. "Uhhhh…"
The echidna began an awkward evil laugh, and soon, everyone was doing so.
"Okay, you can stop now," Sticks cut in. "You're killing it."
Lulumae shook her head, chuckling to herself. "Kids…"
Meanwhile, at the police station…
"And then, that crazy, red bastard socks me in the face and starts bitin' me all over!" Rocky gestured wildly, making animalistic snarls as the officer he was speaking to - a brown-furred Mobian dog - filled out a report; a bored look in his eyes. "I mean, knew them Angel Island fellers were savages, but that was just crazy!"
"Yeah, sounds about right." the dog officer said as he wrote.
"Anyway, that there's the whole story. The Freedom Fighters have officially hit rock bottom." Rocky spat in the cop's wastepaper basket, "Lousy Nutkins."
The dog grimaced. "Rocky, would you quit doin' that? It's disgusting."
"Our heroes defendin' Eggman's goons is disgustin'," Rocky insisted, "I'm gross."
"You sure are."
"Anyway, me an' the boys are gonna make a 'cituzen's arrest' on these sons o' bitches." Rocky reached into his pocket and pulled something out, "Think you can… 'lend us a paw or two'?" He placed the contents on the officer's desk, revealing a plastic, evidence bag of what appeared to be dog biscuits, all with a smug grin."
The dog looked at the biscuits for a moment, before shaking his head. "Sorry Rocky, no can do. I'm heading up a drug bust tomorrow night; big one too. The whole force is gonna need their attention for this one."
Rocky grinned. "Yeah, figured as much." With that, he headed for the door. "Welp, I better git goin'. Don't work too hard now, ya hear Doggy?"
"I never do, Rocky!" Doggy replied, "I never do."
Once Rocky left, Doggy grabbed the bag of dog biscuits. After making sure nobody was looking, he opened it up and popped one in his mouth.
"Mmmmm! It's BACOOOON!" he shouted in glee before clamping his mouth shut. After checking to make sure nobody heard him, he opened up the drawer to his desk and slipped the biscuits inside. With his illicit treats hidden, he picked up a pen and finished filling out the rest of the form he'd been filling out before signing his name:
Officer Sleuth Dawg.
Lulumae's House - The evening of tomorrow...
"Any sign of them, Tails?" Amy asked.
"Nope, not a peep," Tails replied as he looked through some binoculars he'd acquired.
"Seriously, it's been almost two days!" Shorty griped anxiously, "Where are they?"
"Maybe they decided to go night-fishing or something," Porker suggested.
"No, they're coming," Sticks said grimly, "I can smell 'em." She took a deep whiff. "Cheap booze and barbecue sauce…" Her eyes narrowed. "They're here. Alright people, battle stations!"
The group scrambled into positions. Johnny and Porker headed into the basement. Tails and Knuckles headed for the roof. Tekno and Shorty headed out front, while Amy and Sticks remained inside with Lulumae.
"Alright, Tekno, Shorty, act casual," Sticks ordered. "Lure them into a false sense of security."
"Roger."
"Can do."
"You sure this is gonna work?" Lulumae asked.
Sticks nodded. "Oh yeah. I may be crazy, but I'm a trap master. Sal didn't recruit me for my charming personality, after all."
-X-
Back outside, Tekno and Shorty took a seat on the bench.
"Can't believe Sticks is the one calling the shots this time," Shorty mused. "Mobius really is going crazy."
"I know," Tekno pulled out the sandwich, taking a bite. "This is the most focused I've ever seen her. I'm honestly more scared of her than the Junkyarders."
Shorty just looked at her, to which she shrugged. "What?"
"Uhhh...I just…" Shorty perked at the sound of bushes rustling. "Oh crap! Here they come!"
Shorty and Tekno watched as one by one, the Junkyarders came out of the brush and advanced toward the house. At the front was Rocky.
"Oh great," Shorty sighed. "You again."
"Alright, Nutkins, where's Lulumae?" Rocky demanded.
"She took a vacation to the city of Nunya."
"Nunya? Where the hell is…?" Rocky perked, realizing what he meant.
"Nunya damn business," Rocky grumbled to himself as Shorty went on.
"Seriously, isn't there someone else you can annoy? Friends? Family? Giant Scorpions?"
"Shut it!" Rocky snapped. "The only thing I'm here for is that long-eared bitch! So get her out here and maybe we'll just run you an' her outta town 'stead of cappin' you in the head!"
"You sure you don't want a bite of this giant sandwich instead?" Tekno held it up. "Seriously, most of it's just gonna go to waste. My eyes are bigger than my stomach, after all."
"How 'bout you shut up 'fore I crack yer skull and make yer head meats into an omelet?" Rocky spat. "Be the first good thing ya did with'em after ya made that there Megametal fer yer boss, Ivo!"
Tekno scowled. "I don't know how you found out about that, but for the record, I was kidnapped and enslaved by the bastard. I never wanted to work for him, and I've done everything I can to make up for it."
Rocky scoffed, clearly uncaring. "Once an Egghead, always an Egghead."
Tekno and Shorty glared viciously at Rocky.
"Alright, that's enough back and forth! Boys! Git 'em!"
The Junkyarders raised their weapons and shouted before running into the front yard.
"Sticks..." Shorty let out.
"Wait for it..."
"Sticks..." Tekno managed nervously
"Wait for it..."
"Sticks!" Both shouted.
"Okay, okay! Now!"
Tekno pulled out a remote from her pocket, pressing a big red button. Suddenly, a few of the thugs stopped as they heard a clicking noise.
"Hm?" One thug looked down, seeing a tiny, red light blinking in the grass. "Huh...landmines."
The thug's eyes widened in realization. "Landmines?!"
Several explosions sounded, and multiple shocked thugs were launched into the air.
"Holy shit!" Rocky exclaimed. "They planted landmines!"
"Ooh!" Sticks grinned. "They found the landmines."
"Oh Aurora, you planted landmines?!" Lulumae exclaimed.
"Yup! Made 'em myself!"
"Ah…" Amy blinked. "How?"
"I have my sources. And my daddy has warehouses with dirt floors," Sticks snapped back to attention. "Tekno, Shorty, get back in here and get the rest of the traps primed!"
"On it!" Tekno replied as the two headed back inside.
Rocky watched as a few more of his boys ran into the landmines.
"Knock it off!" he shouted.
The thugs stopped right as one landed on the ground.
"I'm okay..." he wheezed.
"Morons…" Rocky glared at the house. "Nice try, Nutkins!"
He ran for the porch steps, but the second his foot came down, he slipped, flying off the steps and landing squarely on his back.
"Owww…" he got up. "Lousy, no good, son of a…" He tried to get back up the steps, only to slip again. Watching through the blinds, Sticks smirked as he kept slipping.
"Greasing the steps with veggie oil... as they say in Emerald Hill, think smarter, not harder," she turned to Tekno and Shorty, who was in the middle of fiddling with the generator. "How's that generator coming along?"
"Almost done…" Tekno replied, hooking a jumper cable up to the generator. "Shorty, hook this up to the doorknob."
Shorty took the other end of the cable and did so, giving a thumbs up. "All set!"
As Tekno flipped the generator switch, Rocky tried his luck again, grabbing onto the railing with both hands and struggling his way up the steps.
"Alright, second I see those lil' bastards, I'm gonna-!" The minute he grabbed the doorknob, he spasmed, babbling and screaming incoherently as he was hit with a powerful electric current. Hearing this, Sticks grinned, slowly cranking up the generator's intensity. Rocky spasmed even harder, letting out high-pitched screams and babbles of agony as his fur began to smolder and blacken. The minute she smelled burning hair, Sticks turned the generator off, allowing Rocky to let go, stumble back, and tumble down the porch steps in a daze, landing right on a landmine that launched him back to his cronies. Sticks peeked out the window.
"You give up yet?" she quipped. "Or are ya thirsty for more?"
Rocky shook the cobwebs out. "You wish, ya damn raccoon!"
"I'm a badger, you jackass!" Sticks snapped before smirking. "And I was so hoping you'd say that."
She dropped the blinds at that.
"What do we do now, Rocky?" a thug asked.
"Welp, they shut the blinds; so, looks like we go home and do our nails and watch Empire Medical (2)," Rocky deadpanned.
"Really?" the thug asked stupidly, only to get thumped over the head.
"No, not really! We go 'round back!"
Sticks watched as they ran off.
"Ground control to Flyboys. You have incoming cargo from the south. Over."
"Copy that, ground control." Tails replied, "We'll be sure to pick it up. Over."
"You do that. Birdseed, Nutz, and I will go get dinner started. Over and out." Sticks grins wickedly, "I love my job."
-X-
As they headed around the back, the goons trod carefully, taking one slow step at a time.
"There it is…" Rocky growled. "Alright, it don't look like there's a boomer here, but be careful."
"Right," a goon nodded.
Unbeknownst to them, they were being watched from the roof.
"This is Flyboy Ketchup to Flyboy Mustard. Do you hear me, Mustard? Over."
"Knuckles, I'm right here."
Knuckles turned to see Tails right beside him.
"Yeah, I knew that. Rocky's goons are in position."
"Nice," Tails grinned. "They should be seeing our little surprise right…about…"
A thug took a step, falling into a pitfall trap pre-dug by Knuckles with a yell.
"Now."
Another fell into another trap. Loud snapping noises reached their ears, and one thug came out, screaming and yelping at various mousetraps clamped on his ears, toes, fingers, and various other parts of his body. One last pained scream caused another trap to snap shut on his lips, silencing him.
"I am so glad we talked Sticks into using mousetraps instead of spikes," Knuckles remarked, "Though, worries me is that Lulumae had so many."
"Speaking of mice…" Tails pulled out a box. Knuckles raised an eyebrow.
"What's in the box?"
"Oh, just a little something I've been working on."
"Up there!" Tails and Knuckles turned to see Rocky pointing at them. "It's the echidna and fox! Kill 'em!"
"Go for it!" Knuckles yelled.
"Right!" Tails turned the box upside down, dumping out the contents onto the ground level. They flinched away, only to see what Tails had dropped out: small white clockwork Mickies with blue ears.
"That's it?" Knuckles asked, disappointed. "Toy Mickies?"
Tails just smiled. "Wait for it…"
"THAT'S yer secret weapon?" Rocky demanded. "A buncha Robo-rats!?"
One goon picked them up. "Hey, these are actually kinda cute, Rock—"
He was cut off when it exploded in his face, coating him in ash.
"Exploding Mickies?" Knuckles blinked.
"I give you my latest invention: the Chu² Bomb," Tails boasted. "And it gets better."
Rocky's men scrambled to escape, only for the Chu² Bombs to chase them. Several mice hit the thugs, launching them into the air, while several fell into the pits. They came leaping out, yelping and covered in mousetraps.
"That's it!" Rocky roared. "Hoppers! Climbers! Go up there and bring me those nutkins' heads!"
Several thugs leaped at them, while others rushed at the house. Some of them fell into pits, but a good amount reached the house and started climbing and jumping up to get the Tails and Knuckles.
"Uh-oh…" Tails let out as one of the Hoppers sprang up, glaring at him.
"Ha! Gotcha, Fox-Boy! Now, say yer prayers and-!"
Tails stuck his left arm out, and from under his jacket sleeve shot out a red boxing glove attached to a spring, bopping him right in the jaw and sending him flying back into a pit on ground level.
"An extendo boxing glove?" Knuckles deadpanned. "You get that idea from the latest clown show at Carnival Night?"
"I prefer to call this one the Magic Hand."
"Magic Hand?" Knuckles whacked a Climber attempting to nab him. "What makes it magic?"
A hopper attempted to jump them from behind. Tails swung the hand, and it curved behind him, socking the hopper in the face.
"Advanced biosignature homing sensors."
"Ahhh…"
As the fight continued, Knuckles sat around, bored as Tails handled things.
"Y'know, I know I talked big back when I threatened them earlier today and I'd never leave Bunnie's aunt hanging, but you seem to have this just fine, why am I even here?" A goon came for him and he grabbed a bat, hitting them in the stomach. "I don't even have anyone to bounce jokes off of." He hit one of the goons trying to crawl back onto the roof. "And I can't just punch them, I'd turn them into meat mush." He sighed. "I miss Kat."
At that moment, they heard a loud crash.
"What the...!?" Tails exclaimed.
Knuckles and Tails looked down to see several goons breaking into the outside basement door.
"The basement!"
"Damn it!" Knuckles cursed. "Those guys were just a distraction!"
Tails sighed, rubbing his eyes. "Me of all people, outwitted by a bunch of beer-swilling hillbillies who probably didn't even make it to sixth grade. How insulting…"
"Screw you, Foxy!" They saw Rocky at the back door, smirking smugly. "I'll have you know, I only got up to third grade! So, eat that!"
Rocky laughed, Tails giving him a flat look.
"Now, iffin' ya don't mind, I got a rabbitch to skin!"
"Hey!" Tails cried. "You take one more step and–!"
"Or what, you gonna run crying to yer mama and daddy and tell'em I'm being mean?" Rocky grabbed the doorknob, throwing it open. "Go suck an egg, ya–!"
As Rocky opened the door, he failed to notice the tiny, high-tech disc attached to the side of the doorway...or hear it beep. But he did notice everything suddenly become hotter, as well as the smell of burning fur and skin, and the sound of fire spewing from the handheld blowtorch that was hanging from the ceiling, which set his scalp on fire.
"Mah hair's on fire! Mah hair's on fire! Mah hair's on FIRRRRRRRE!"
Rocky screamed in pain, running out of the house and flailing his arms around, until he ended up falling into a pit. He let out another scream as the sound of mousetraps snapping echoed through the night.
"Well, I tried to warn him." Tails said with a wince.
"Forget third grade, I don't think this guy even got past Kindergarten ." Knuckles added.
Tails grabbed a bucket of ice water that had been sitting off the side. "I'm gonna go douse him and help get dinner ready. You check for any stragglers, then regroup with Sticks, Amy, and Lulumae inside."
"Got it. Good luck, Tails."
Tails nodded, then flew off. As he did, he flew over the pit Rocky fell in and dumped the water into it. Rocky slowly climbed out of the pit, his hair burned off completely, rendering him bald.
"Whew! Thank Aurora, it's finally over…"
Only for the bucket to land on his head with a loud clank.
"Oof!" He promptly fell back into the pit… and the mousetraps. "YEEEEOWCH!"
-X-
In the basement, Porker tinkered away with something as he heard Rocky scream.
"Sounds like he found the blowtorch," he mused.
"Yeah," Johnny stuck a metal disk on the wall. "So Pork, what exactly are these things again?"
"Something I worked on with Tekno after the Twinkle Park incident; miniature hammerspace discs that can store any kind of gadget, device, or weapon. I call them… Pig Stickers!" Porker proudly held one up. "I put a bunch of the stuff Sticks had us gather in them. Those guys pass by them, they trigger the sensors and BOOM! Hilarity ensues." He perked. "That reminds me."
Porker pressed the Pig Sticker in his hand, causing a sign to appear. He set it down before running over to where Johnny was.
"You don't really think this is gonna work, do you?" the rabbit asked. "I mean, you'd have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool someone with this old trick. Even then, that's only if who falls for it is as dumb as Cubot."
"I know," Porker agreed. But Sticks was very particular about this one. And we didn't have time to argue."
"Alright, but if this works, I'll eat my jacket."
The door opened.
"Someone's coming! Hide!"
They ducked behind a shelf as a brown-furred, morbidly obese Mobian dog entered the basement.
"Hmmm?" The dog looked around, then saw the sign. "Whazzis?"
The dog looked at the sign. "Put your head between these two wall decorations and win a free hat.'" He looked at the Pig Stickers on the opposite sides of the wall, then a small green fedora sitting before the sign. "Well, that's a no-brainer."
"Come on, you fat mutt," Porker whispered. "Do it..."
The dog proceeded to do just that, a smug grin on his face. Immediately, the Pig Stickers beeped, two large logs with red cartoonish boxing gloves over the ends flying out and sandwiching the dumb mutt's head.
"Oooh!" Porker winced. "Ow…"
The dog stumbled around, triggering more Stickers, causing him to get punched with more boxing gloves springing out of the discs. Finally, he passed under another, which conjured an iron, which fell right on his head. The dog fell over.
"Holy...!" Porker gasped.
"Oh geez!" Johnny managed.
Suddenly, the dog sprang up, grabbing the hat and putting it on his bruised, swollen head.
"Joke's on you..." he wheezed. "I got my hat"
He let out a nasally laugh before passing out. Porker and Johnny looked at each other.
"So, you want salt and pepper with that jacket?" Porker deadpanned.
They heard footsteps approaching, ducking behind a shelf as another dog, this one all white, came down. Seeing his fallen companion, he scowled.
"Damn it, Peter!" he hissed. "How the hell did you fall for THAT old trick?! I swear, what the hell did Lois see in..."
He stepped on a sticker, promptly sending another boxing glove smashing into his chin. He clutched his jaw, stumbling around.
"Ow! Bitch!" He stepped on another sticker. From it emerged the barrel of a BB gun, which shot him right between the legs. The dog let out a high-pitched whimper before falling over. Porker and Johnny winced, instinctively crossing their legs.
"His grandkids are gonna feel that one…" Porker remarked.
"Yeah," Johnny agreed. "Every now and then, I remember why Sally recruited that crazy badger."
"Hey!"
The group turned to see a bunch of thugs at the door, noticing them.
"Look what those Nutkins did to Pete and Brian!" the lead thug yelled. "Get 'em!"
"Time to go!"
Porker and Johnny bolted up the stairs as the thugs gave chase.
"Johnny!" Porker yelled. "The bag!"
"On it!" Johnny yanked a bag out of his pocket, pulling out a bunch of marbles. As the thugs ran up the stairs, they started stepping on the marbles and tripping, allowing the two to reach the top.
"Whew!" Porker sighed. "Made it."
Their celebration was interrupted by a scream. They turned to see the thugs constantly trying to get up, only to trip on the marbles or trigger a Sticker and get whacked with something.
"Morons…" Johnny shook his head.
"You guys give up yet?" Porker asked. "Had enough pain?"
"NEVER!" one thug declared dramatically.
Porker shrugged. "Have it your way."
He nonchalantly turned off the lights and closed the basement door, getting a "HEY!" from the thug.
"Seriously?" Johnny questioned. "These guys had Bunnie and Antoine hunkering down for all those weeks? Helen could kick their asses, and she's in a wheelchair!"
"Honestly, it's kinda disappointing," Porker confessed.
"Hilarious, though."
The two chuckled.
"Anyway, we'd better get going, it's almost 'dinnertime'."
"Right…" Porker said nervously.
-X-
Outside, Rocky pulled himself out of the hole he got stuck in. He yanked the bucket off of his head, feeling his burned head. Scowling at the feel of his lost hair, he charged up the steps, kicking the back door open.
"Where are you, you little CREEPS ?!" he roared.
Suddenly, he was coated in black tar, followed by a fan puffing feathers all over him. He stood silently for a moment before quivering in fury.
"That does it!" Rocky slammed the next door open. "Lulumae Rabbot!"
"No need to shout, dearie. I'm right here."
Rocky turned to see Lulumae, Amy, and Sticks sitting at the table, enjoying some tea.
"Wow, Rocky," Sticks snorted. "Why the hell are you dressed like a Cucky?"
"Shut up!" Rocky aimed a sawed-off shotgun at the badger. "Yer gonna rue the day you decided to mess with Rocky the Bull and the Junkyarders! Ya hear me!?"
"Rue?" Sticks smirked. "Ooh, look at you using big, fancy words!"
"I said shut up!" Rocky shoved the shotgun in Sticks' face. "Now, here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna pull the trigger on this here shotgun, splatterin; yer headguts all over the room. Then, I'm gonna do the same to Rabbot, Pinkie, an' all yer lil' friends. And finally, we're gonna find that Robo-skank an' her fruity, cat boyfriend, an' do the same thing to them!" He grinned. "Whaddaya say to that?"
"Can you wait till after we have dinner first?" Sticks grinned evilly, "We're havin' chicken-fried steak ."
"Chicken fried..." Rocky looked down at himself. "Oh hell n-"
Suddenly, Rocky fell down a trap door with a scream. Amy blinked.
"I didn't know this place had a trap door."
"It don't," Lulumae replied.
Amy and Lulumae turned to Sticks, who was chuckling evilly.
"And now for the chaser."
-X-
Rocky screamed, falling for what seemed to be an eternity. As he fell, he passed by several Pig Stickers.
"Dagnabbit...how much longer is this pit gonna go on for!?" Rocky looked down and noticed several mechanical hands reaching out of the walls. "Aww hell…"
-X-
Back in the living room, the group was watching what was happening to Rocky on the Miles Electric.
"Oh goody!" Sticks clapped her hands. "He's reached the Plucking Station!"
The group winced as Rocky screamed, the sound of numerous hairs being pulled reaching their ears.
"Hey! Git yer hands off me! YEOW!"
"Now he's heading for the Wash."
Rocky was sprayed with something, sputtering.
"Okay, how the heck did you set THAT up so fast?" Johnny asked.
"Badger, Johnny. Badger."
"Oh no, not more hands!" Rocky shrieked.
"Next, a patdown with some flour."
Shorty cringed. "Okay, that's just wrong!"
"It gets worse," Tekno warned. "He's heading for the fryer."
The sound of sizzling and flames shooting reached their ears, along with an almost operatic wail of pain from Rocky as the Freedom Fighters alternated between covering their ears, looking away, and watching Rocky's predicament through their fingers.
"Is... is all that necessary?" Tails asked.
"Of course!" Sticks defended. "They're a lynch mob, Tails! You saw what they did! And for the record, I toned it down. The original plan would've involved him getting vaporized with Tekno's Graviton Cannon at point-blank range."
Amy gave her a look. "You… are seriously twisted, Sticks."
"Thanks!" Sticks beamed happily before the Miles Electric dinged. "Ooh! It's ready!"
She hurried outside, the others following. Once outside, Sticks watched in anticipation as the ground in front of the house trembled and shook. Suddenly, something was launched out several feet in the air, screaming. A few moments later, it lands on the ground, revealing Rocky.
"And voilà! Chicken-fried steak a la Sticks!" Sticks gave a chef's kiss. "Perfect!"
Rocky looked like he had gone through a machine. The bull was butt naked and all his fur had been completely shorn off, revealing his charcoal-gray skin. He was covered in splotches of flour, scrapes, cuts, bruises, and mild burns, but he was alive.
"Uuuugh…" he groaned. "Wha happen?"
He looked down and noticed his stripped and hairless state, screaming and covering himself. "Mah clothes! Mah fur! What the hell did you bastards do ta me!?"
"You want the short list or the long?" Sticks asked. "I can go alphabetically or in increasing order of pain."
"You..." Rocky pulsed with rage. "You...YOOOOOOU...!"
Suddenly, he was hit in the head with a rock, knocking him out cold. Everyone turned to the side to find Knuckles standing there, juggling another rock in his hand.
"Sleep it off, Rocky," the echidna said. "Sleep it off."
About an hour or so later, Rocky slowly came to with a groan.
"Hey guys, he's waking up!" Amy declared.
Rocky woke up to find himself tied to a chair, the Freedom Fighters having had the decency to give him a pair of boxers to cover his modesty. His thugs, in varying degrees of consciousness, were similarly bound.
"It's over, Rocky," Tails told him. "I called the authorities. You won't be seeing the outside of a prison cell any time soon."
Rocky let out a mocking guffaw. "Oh please, fox boy. I have pals on the force and the best damn lawyer in the Baronies. I'll be in and out in no time. And when I do, I'm gonna put you and yours through every last thing you did to me and my boys!"
"No, I don't think so."
Tails pointed behind him. Rocky turned, going pale as he saw a battalion of Kingdom of Acorn soldiers approaching, led by Amadeus Prower.
"I didn't say I called the local authorities," Tails smirked smugly, "I called my mama and daddy and told them you were being mean."
Amadeus approached the flabbergasted Rocky. "Rocky the Bull, you're under arrest for vandalism, assault, battery, attempted murder, possession of a sawed-off shotgun without a permit, and indecent exposure."
"You see, after Lulumae told us that the cops were dirty rats who'd back you up, I decided to bring in my own friends in the Acorn military," Tails explained. "You're gonna do hard time in Mobotropolis, miles away from anyone who can possibly bail you out. And needless to say, your friends will be joining you."
Rocky sputtered before his eyes rolled back in his head and he passed out.
"Whoa, I think you broke him, son." Amadeus commented.
"Yeah, looks like." Tails replied awwardly.
"Ammy!" Lulumae cried as she ran up to the elder Prower.
"Lulu!" Amdeus replied as the two embraced.
"How long has it been, ten years?" he asked.
Lulumae nodded. "Wish the reunion was under better circumstances."
"Wait, you two know each other?" Sticks asked.
"Course!" Lulumae replied. "Ammy here was one o' Buck's Squad buddies!"
Amadeus saluted. "Captain Amadeus Prower. Acorn Special Forces Squad Saturn. Codename: Saber."
"Whoa…" Knuckles let out. "Sounds like you were quite the big shot."
"No, that would be Beauregard. I was the swordsman. Speaking of, where is that old troublemaker?"
Amy sighed. "He's been missing for weeks. Sonic and the others are looking for him in Sand Blast City."
"Missing?!" Amadeus exclaimed.
-X-
A few moments later, they explained to Amadeus what happened.
"By the Ancients…" Amadeus gasped.
"Yeah, Dad," Tails sighed. "It's bad."
"Bad doesn't even begin to describe it, son. This is…" Amadeus massaged his temples. "If I'd known things were this bad, I'd have come here sooner! Lulu, why did you wait this long to call for help?"
"Ammy, y'all got enough on yer plate wit' the Empire causin' trouble," Lulu replied. "Besides, Bunnie and her friends have it covered. Yeah, I'm worried about Buck, but we both know there's no trouble he can't get out of."
As if on cue, the house phone began to ring.
"Hmm?" Lulumae walked over, answering it. "Yello, Rabbot residence."
"Lulu! Aw, thank Aurora!"
Lulumae's eyes went wide. "Buck?! Buck, is that you?!"
Everyone went bug-eyed before Lulu put it on speakerphone.
"Yeah Lulu, it's me."
"Beauregard, are you alright?" Amadeus asked.
"What the...Ammy? Is that you, Foxtrot?"
Amadeus grimaced at the nickname, but only for a moment. "Yes, it's been a while old friend."
"Ditto." Beau said wistfully, before snapping out of it, "Listen Lu, I ain't got long, so you gotta listen and listen good. Pack up and get outta the house right now. Get outta town and go to our old vacation place in Royal Hills."
"What?!" Lulu exclaimed. "Buck, are you crazy!"
"Listen!" Beau snapped, cutting her off. "Sand Blast City has gone nuts! Hell, all of Wyldwest has! And if I'm right, the Baronies have gone crazy too by now! So please, for me, pack up and get the hell out before-"
Before he could finish, static and white noise reached their ears, cutting off the conversation.
"Buck?!" Lulumae said frantically. "BUCK!"
She stared in shock.
"Okay, that's… ominous." Tekno mused.
"And totally creepy," Sticks added.
Lulumae looked at the phone, uncertain of what to do.
"Miss Lulu, why are you so dead set on staying here?" Amy asked.
Lulu sighed, sitting down. "This was our first home when Buck came home from his tour of duty. He bought the land with the money he earned workin' with Squad Saturn and built it himself. We've been here for over twenty years…"
She shook her head, focusing. "I hate to admit it, but Buck's right. It ain't safe here. Rocky and his goons aren't the only dumbasses with a bone to pick with anything Robotnik-related. It's time for me to scram."
Amadeus put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"We'd better get started then," Porker decided. "After what happened tonight, they might attack sooner rather than later."
"I'll call Sonic and the others," Tails said. "Hopefully, I'll get through this time."
He pressed some keys on the Miles Electric. A few seconds passed before they got through, Sonic's face popping on.
"Hello?" Sonic asked.
"Sonic! Thank Aurora!"
"Tails? What's up?"
"Sonic, listen, we got a situation, and it's bad!"
Sand Blast City
Beauregard fiddled with the phone in his hand.
"Hello? Lulu?! Lulu!" All he got was static. "Damn it!" He slammed the phone on the receiver, tilting his hat over his eyes before storming out. "Just my luck…"
"Mister Rabbot!"
Beau turned around to see a female Mobian coyote and lizard running toward him.
"Meryl! Milly!" Beau ran over. "Are you girls okay? What happened?!"
"We were...we were attacked, sir." the coyote replied. "Someone sussed out our location and decided to jump us! Typhoon and Twister are holding them off."
"Was it them?" Beau hissed.
"No, it's the other them," the lizard said.
A scream reached their ears. Beau and the girls quickly dodged as a pair of Mobian birds, an orange wren in a red long coat and a blue condor in a short jacket, landed beside them.
"Mr. Typhoon! Twister!" the lizard cried.
"Oooh…" the wren managed. "Hello ladies, how are you doing this fine evening?"
"Owww, my beak…" the condor groaned.
"Twister, what the hell happened!?" Beau demanded, getting the condor's attention.
"The Dust Riders happened," he answered, "They sent out the Riddlemen."
"Great," Beau groused, "Just what we needed."
"Tell me about it," the wren added, "I swear, the Mags just keep getting crazier and crazier, right Carl?" The condor slapped him upside the head.
"Dammit Ty, I told you not to call me-!"
A sinister laugh reached their ears. The group turned to see a very large and fat Mobian boar approaching them. Beside him were two humans: a fat, short man with curly, blond hair, and a tall, thin one with short, brown hair and a big nose.
"Well, lookee what we got here!" the boar declared. "Buckshot Bunny in the flesh!"
"Butch Pecari…" Beau growled.
"I don't go by that no more, Buckshot," Butch held up his arm, which twisted and whirred as it transformed into an arm cannon. "I've been reborn in the flames of hell and madness, as a soldier in the army of the damned! Call me...Puerco Loco!"
He aimed, firing a rocket at Beau's group that they barely dodged.
"Hot damn! This baby is amazing! I shoulda signed on to the Empire sooner!"
"Think you can get some for us, Bossman?" the thin man asked.
"Yeah! We want cool robot arms too!" the fat man added.
"Pike, Dutton, you bring me the ears off that long-eared galoot, I'll get you all the robot arms you want," Butch replied.
They grinned at that before running off with guns drawn. As they did, the thin man was shot in the leg.
"Pike!" the fat man yelled.
Before Dutton could react, he was hit in the shoulder. "What the?!"
"Here comes Peter Cottontail…"
Dutton froze at the soft singing. "What?"
A gunshot sounded. Dutton turned to see Pike laying facedown on the dirt, a bullet hole in his forehead.
"What the…?!" he managed before getting shot in the chest, dropping.
"The hell?!" Butch managed.
"Hoppin' down the bunny trail..." Butch drew his gun, looking around. "Hippety… Hoppity…"
"Damn it, where are you, you bastard?!"
A gunshot sounded, and Butch dropped dead, revealing Beau right behind him, holding a smoking gun.
"Here comes Easter mooooooorniiiiiiiing..." He blew his gun before holstering it.
Author's Note:
(1): Yes, a reference to Knuckles' "Oh, no!" bit from the OG Sonic Adventure.
(2): Mobian General Hospital.
So, yeah, this basically happens around the same time Sonic's group is dealing with Thunderbolt in Tranquil Gulch. And yeah, this was a giant Home Alone reference, which also gives Sticks a day in the limelight. Also, before anyone asks, yes, the bit in the basement with the logs, as well as the cat and dog, were one big Family Guy reference.
Now for Beauregard's group. Meryl the Coyote, Milly Lagarto (the lizard), and Typhoon the Wren are, of course, references to Meryl Strife, Milly Thompson, and Vash the Stampede from Trigun. Twister the Condor is a reimagining of Carl Condor, an Archie character who only appeared in Sonic Quest #1 of the Archie comics and was only ever shown as a Robian.
Voice cast for this chapter:
* Rocky - Hank Azaria in his Cletus Spuckler voice
* Doggy - Chris Rager (Hercule/Mr. Satan from Dragon Ball Z, Arlong from One Piece, McGruff the Crime Dog in Death Battle, Mr. Torgue from Borderlands, Matsuyama from Heaven's Lost Property)
* Peter - Seth MacFarlane in his Peter Griffin voice
* Brian - Seth MacFarlane in his Brian Griffin voice
* Meryl - Dorothy Elias-Fahn (Meryl Stryfe from Trigun, Kamiya Kaoru from Rurouni Kenshin, Naru Narusegawa from Love Hina, Yuko Kamiya from Digimon Adventure, Kyoko Yuuki from Sword Art Online, Konan from Naruto, Mercedes from Fire Emblem: Three Houses)
* Milly - Lia Sargent (Milly Thompson from Trigun, the Nothing from Cardcaptor Sakura: The Sealed Card, Shion Uzuki from Xenosaga, Judy from Cowboy Bebop, Suzu from Bo-Bobobo Bo-Bobo, Miyabi Kagurazaki from Ai Yori Aoshi)
* Typhoon - Joshua Seth (Tai Kamiya from Digimon Adventure, Joe Shimamura from Cyborg 009, young Millions Knives from Trigun, Jake in Ape Escape: On the Loose)
* Twister - Ben Browder (Bat Lash in Justice League Unlimited, John Crichton from Farscape, Cameron Mitchell from Stargate SG-1)
* Butch - Trevor Devall (Jonah Hex in Justice League Action, Diablo in Fantastic Four: World's Greatest Heroes, Galaxel from Miles from Tomorrowland, Blizzard in the 2017 Spider-Man cartoon)
Next chapter: Sand Blast City!
Please R&R. Until next time!
