"Well, you missed your mark by half a year," Tom sneered as Lucius was done telling him what they had been trying to achieve with the spell. The bond did nothing about the disrespect as Harry had removed almost every rule when it had become clear that Tom would not jump back to his former self anytime soon. Harry considered if he should correct Tom, but figured that after everything that had happened that perhaps Tom and Lucius needed to talk through some things.
Lucius stiffened. "I noticed," he bit back with a green look and swallowed before looking away. He was back to twirling the cane between his hands. On the table his tea cup was nearing almost half empty.
Or argue through some things.
"What do you mean?" Harry asked with a frown. He had his own cup in his hands but if he was to be honest, then he would have prefered something stronger. He put it back down on the table. It was still more than half full.
Tom was half kneeling, half sitting on the floor, leaning against Harry's chair and leg. He was still trembling, but a calming draught that Harry had forced down his throat seemed to be working. The trembling was almost reduced to a simple shivering every now and then.
Harry was trying to withstand the need to reach down and run his hand through Tom's hair as he assumed Tom would not appreciate the gesture with Lucius still present. He really wanted to simply reassure himself that he could touch this Tom, unlike the one he had shared a house with during the last seven weeks.
Tom looked away and dragged a hand through his hair and over his face as a tremor ran through his body before answering Harry's question. "I had the unpleasant pleasure of reliving the last half a year in Azkaban as well."
No wonder Lucius was looking rather nauseated. If he had witnessed the same memoires as Tom then Harry did feel sorry for the man. He remembered how he had felt when Tom had told him about the incidents in Azkaban that night and that had been a simple retelling for the events. To actually watch them and feel the full force of the torture. That was not something you simply shrugged off. Harry would not be surprised if Lucius ended up with his own nightmares after that session.
"Well, I apologise for not being an Legimiliens expert like yourself," Lucius said with a tight grip around his cane. Harry wondered if he was considering hitting Tom with it at the moment. "Perhaps I should blame my teacher ."
Tom scoffed and reached for Harry's cup on the table. He downed it in one go before putting it back. "You had no interest in learning, Lucius. You were only interested in adding to the Malfoy power and money, so don't blame me for your shortcomings."
It was a bit surreal, Harry thought, to witness Tom and Lucius argue. For all that he knew that the two men knew each other rather intimately it was still strange to watch them argue like they currently were. Pulling out his wand he summoned the tumbler of firewhiskey and three glasses. Lucius and Tom accepted as they flew into their hands and the tumbler tipped an unhealthy amount into each before Harry poured a measure into his own glass and downed everything in one go. The whiskey burned on its way down but he didn't care. He refilled the glass and put the tumbler on the table.
Lucius too knocked back his and refilled it without the normal polite pretence of asking Harry first. "Perhaps I was too busy looking after my family. The family you tortured and set up to fail simply to punish me."
"You lost the bloody prophecy and almost got a lot of you arrested! I had to reveal myself to Dumbledore to get you out of that mess." Tom drained his own glass and reached for the tumbler to refill it. His hand was still shaking. Harry reached past him and picked up the tumbler and poured another measure into Tom's glass before the man could reach it.
Yes, Harry thought as he leaned back in his chair and took a mouthful from the glass. It was completely surreal to be witnessing the conversation that was currently going on in his sitting room.
Lucius leaned forwards. "You didn't have to put my son in harm's way!"
A couple of things suddenly clicked into place for Harry. Lucius had never had the opportunity to talk to Tom without the risk of being cursed. Perhaps this was something Lucius had needed for quite some time. A chance to get his opinions and feelings out in the open.
"He begged me more or less for an assignment, for a chance to prove himself" Tom snapped back. His hand was tightening around the glass and Harry could feel him tense up from where he was leaning against Harry's leg. Harry was actually a bit surprised that Lucius had not made some snide remark about Tom's choice of sitting place.
Lucius slammed the now empty glass down on the table. That ought to have left a mark, Harry thought. Kreacher was not going to be happy.
"He was trying to rectify things so that you would stop punishing me and Narcissa! You tasked a sixteen year old boy with the assignment to kill Dumbledore. A man you yourself couldn't manage to kill!"
Harry had to admit that Lucius had a point there.
"Which is why I don't understand why he took the assignment seriously." Tom shifted a bit on the ground. Harry handed him a pillow which Tom accepted without a word and put under his hip and legs.
Lucius looked like he couldn't believe his own ears. He was leaning on his cane and now he smashed the tip into the carpet in anger. "You can't understand why he took it so seriously? We all took it seriously! Narcissa even roped Snape into making an unbreakable vow that he would assist Draco in his endeavour."
On the floor Tom moved his head, breaking eye contact with Lucius. Harry could almost feel the thoughts in his head running wild.
"I wasn't thinking straight back then. The ritual Wormtail managed to get wrong, it messed with my mind." The voice was lower than it had been and when Tom looked up Harry caught something that looked like regret passed over his face before Tom made sure to wipe any emotions away.
Harry didn't know who was most surprised at the admission, him or Lucius.
"Come again," Lucius said. He looked like he was considering having his hearing checked.
Tom played with the sleeve of his robe and stared at the floor. Then he lifted his head and looked at Lucius. This time his voice was at a normal volume. "I was not thinking straight back then. I was consumed with the obsession to make sure the prophecy would not come true and delusions of grandeur."
Harry wondered if he should check his own hearing too.
Tom gave another sigh and for once he looked conflicted and a bit defeated. "I am sorry Lucius. At some point I did value your advice and your expertise. I was close to your father in school and he was the closest to an equal I had. I have not been kind to your family."
Was the world ending, Harry wondered. Tom was actually apologising? Without being ordered?
"I will not forgive you," Lucius said.
"I don't expect you to."
######
Harry saw Lucius out and when he returned to the sitting room he found Tom sitting in the same position. He took his seat once more and was surprised when Tom opted to lean against his leg once more. The man buried his forehead against Harry's thigh and drew in a shuddering breath.
The gesture made Harry frown. Tom was normally not this touch starved. Outside the nightmares and the occasional touch from Harry's side the man normally kept a distance between them. He was not sure if the gesture would be welcome, but he couldn't stop his hand from falling down and carding through Tom's hair.
To his surprise the gesture was not unwanted apparently. Tom leaned into his hand with a sigh. Harry pushed his hand through Tom's hair a couple of times. He could feel the man relax more and more until he was completely relaxed against Harry's leg. He was heavy, but Harry found the weight rather comfortable. It felt like a sign of trust.
His own words from before rang again. I'm asking you to take a leap of faith here. Perhaps this was Tom's way of doing so?
When Tom grew even heavier, Harry started to wonder if the man was falling asleep.
"Tom," he said, removing his hand from the black hair.
Tom made a sound that sounded like he was already asleep. "Tom, you'll sleep better in your bed," Harry said and bent down to lift Tom's head from where it was resting on Harry's thigh. Tom blinked a couple of times and it was clear to Harry that the man was completely exhausted. No wonder considering how badly Tom had slept during the last seven weeks.
Harry gently moved him and stood, pulling Tom with him as he did. The man got to his feet and Harry gently steered him up the stairs with a hand on his back.
"Why is the mattress on the floor?" Tom was still dead tired and leaning on Harry, but his eyes were glued to the mattress on the floor.
"Your subconscious was too afraid of the bed to sleep in it," Harry explained. "In the end I gave up and put it on the floor for you to have something to sleep on." Pulling out his wand, Harry levitated the whole thing back onto the bed and helped Tom sit on it.
"Give me a moment," Harry said and returned to his own room and the bathroom.
When he returned he found Tom under the covers and half asleep.
"Sit up," Harry instructed and sat on the edge of the bed. He held out a vial of purple potion.
Tom struggled a bit but managed to sit up against the headboard. "No."
Harry sighed and looked away for a moment before looking back. "Tom, I am not asking," he said in a hard tone. Tom clenched his teeth and looked away, crossing his arms over his chest. "You have hardly been sleeping for the last seven weeks. You need to rest." Ignoring Tom's body language he held the vial to the man's lips. His head was still turned away but slowly he turned towards Harry and allowed him to pour the potion into his mouth.
"Good boy," Harry said without thinking. He regretted the words the moment they were out and waited for Tom to glare or snap at him, but Tom did neither. Instead he swallowed the potion and laid down on his side, pulling the covers over him.
"Sleep. Then we'll talk," Harry said and gave into the impulse to run his hand through Tom's hair once more before leaving the room. Tom's eyes were already closed and Harry wasn't sure he even noticed the gesture. The potion would make sure Tom slept through the night. Harry had to admit he was looking forward to a peaceful night of sleep himself.
######
To his surprise he slept in the next morning. He woke somewhat disoriented around ten. Blinking in confusion he tried to remember why. Then it hit him. Tom! Tom had bounced back to his normal self. Harry was out of the bed and dressed in a couple of minutes. The door to Tom's room was still closed, but Harry opened it carefully and saw that the man was still sleeping. He nodded to himself. That was understandable. Moving down the stairs he called Kreacher to have him bring him breakfast.
He ate and then retreated to his office. As the clock ticked past twelve Harry was starting to get worried. Tom had still not woken. The dosage he had given the man was not enough to keep him under for fifteen hours.
He left his work and ventured upstairs. He opened the door once more and saw that Tom was still sleeping. With a sigh he resigned himself to the truth that he would have to wake Tom up. If not the man would not be able to fall asleep when night came.
He sat on the edge of the bed and reached out a hand to card through Tom's hair. "Tom," he called softly. "Tom, you have to wake up."
The man stirred but did not wake right away. Suddenly his eyes flew open and he flinched back, hitting the headboard hard with his head. Tom blinked and drew a hand over his face before moving to kneel on the bed with the covers around him. "Master."
"Lay back down Tom," Harry said and turned around as Kreacher popped into the room with a plate with breakfast. Tom moved and sat back against the headboard as Harry took the tray from Kreacher and extended the foldable legs so that it would stay steady across Tom's lap.
"You are bringing me breakfast in bed, Master?" Tom asked, amusement seeping into his voice. The exhausted note from the day before was however still present and the man had dark circles under his eyes and his body sporadically shivered. When he reached out a hand to pick up the glass of orange juice it was shaking slightly.
Harry frowned. Perhaps it was simply the aftereffect of the spell? Either way he decided to keep a close eye on Tom. If what Tom had said the night before was true then Tom had relived the half a year including all the torture and sexual abuse. That could not bode well for the man's mental state which was already in a questionable state.
Tom reached for the toast, but his hand stopped midair and he glanced up at Harry. The hand reatreated.
Stifling a sigh, Harry put out a hand and shoved the plate closer to Tom on the tray. "Eat, Tom."
Apparently they had taken a couple of steps back from the looks of things. Well, as long as Tom didn't reach the defiant stage he had been going through around Christmas then Harry assumed they would be fine.
The toast and half the eggs along with some bacon when down. Tom tried to eat one of the pancakes but gave up half the way through. Harry spent the time telling Tom about some of the cases they had covered while he had been somewhat gone. How Ron had turned into a bunny after he touched a cursed item on one of the razias of an illegal shop selling items to muggles. The hilarious scenario of a red bunny jumping around in the Auror's office while they had waited for the curse-breaker to find a way to counter the curse.
The story made Tom smile at least. Other than that he was mostly quiet.
"What day is it?" He asked as Kreacher came and took the tray away. He curled up on his side but was still leaning against the headboard. There was something in his eyes that Harry couldn't quite grasp but his gut instinct told him that Tom was not all right for all that he was pretending to be.
"April 7th."
Tom closed his eyes. "Seven weeks give or take."
Harry nodded and settled on the bed with his legs crossed. "How are you feeling?"
The brown eyes opened. "Tired. Phantom pains from the little trip down memory lane. The mind remembers the pain perfectly so as well as seeing the memories you also feel the same pain as you did the first time around." Tom rubbed a hand over his ribs and flexed his left hand, the one that had been so damaged it had needed surgery.
Harry winced. Merlin. No wonder it was effective on torture victims. "Do you remember anything from the last seven week."
"Bits and pieces. Lucius ended the spell before we got that far. I remember the eiffel tower." Tom frowned as if he was trying to figure out why. "I vaguely remember some moments. Miss Granger. What I don't get is why this happened and why I didn't snap out of it on my own like the last times."
Yes, Harry had been wondering about that himself, but he didn't have any good answers. Not sure if it was a good idea he still asked. "Do you remember the events at the Ministry that was the cause of all this?"
Tom's face was blank for a moment but then he flinched and the colour drained from his face. "Barely. I remember the cells. The red of the Auror's cloaks. Sounds."
The colour yes. Harry nodded. "Good. Do you want me to fill you in on the rest?"
Tom looked like he wanted to say no, but he nodded his head.
Harry found a comfortable position on the bed and then he told Tom what had happened at the Ministry, and during the last seven weeks.
######
The fire burned warm but Tom couldn't claim he was paying much attention. He was curled up on the floor in front of the fireplace with his back against the couch behind him and something that could only be described as a nest of blankets and pillows around him. There was a book in his hand but he had not finished a page yet. There was also a cup of cocoa with a hint of cinnamon that Harry had put a stazis charm on to prevent it from getting cold.
Still, in slight of everything Tom was freezing. Shivers raked his body and his thoughts felt like they were in a turmoil.
The radio was playing in the background and the sound of Harry's quill against the paper reached his ears as well. He shivered and pulled the thick wool blanket better around him.
He felt something akin to panic start building in the pit of his stomach as his recently renewed memories threatened to drown him. He buried his head in his folded arms but it didn't work. His breathing became uneven as he remembered the cell. The coldness. The sounds and then that voice calling him closer. The red robes that surrounded him and held him down. The feeling of a hand in his hair, holding him in place. The sensation off-"
"Tom, breath. You are having a panic attack. You need to breathe."
A hand in his hair. Another on his arm. The bond relaxed immediately as it recognized his master. Warmt crept through the cold and the fog that threatened to drown him in his memories let up. He managed to draw a breath.
"Good boy. Again."
He really should be insulted that Harry praised him like some pet that had managed to get a trick right but for some reason the praise felt good. He managed a second deep breath.
As he breathed out he could feel Harry settling down on the couch. His leg pushed against Tom's shoulder and side as the hand in his hair continued the soothing motion. A couple of breaths later he felt more grounded. Without thinking he leaned sideways and rested his head on Harry's thigh.
He waited for Harry to move, the man had after all been doing something at his desk, but Harry didn't move or speak. He simply continued carding his hand through Tom's hair.
I shouldn't enjoy this , Tom thought. It felt too much like giving up and succumbing to, well, something. He wasn't sure. You chose this . The familiar mantra hit once more. Yes, he had chosen this.
The itch to be close to Harry that he had felt before the whole incident, it had nothing to do with the bond itself he suddenly realised. If it did then his subconscious should not have been so afraid of Harry. The bond should have recognised him as safe and encouraged him to seek comfort from Harry, the way Tom now was doing.
Instead it was something Tom was feeling, unrelated to the bond. That made him frown and Harry moved his hand down to rubbed at his neck just below the collar. The man had probably felt Tom tense up. He would explain why his research had come up with nothing when he had tried to figure out if the need to be close to Harry was some sort of side effect from the bond. The answer was that it was something his own mind conducted.
Why? The question made his head hurt. Why did he seek comfort from Harry? Because he felt safe with the man?
Wasn't that the irony though. The one man who held complete power over him should not be his first choice when it came to feeling safe. Harry could order him to do anything and Tom would not have a choice other than to obey.
But, looking back, Harry had not given him any reasons not to trust him. Just the last seven weeks should be proof enough. Tom had been at his most vulnerable and instead of taking any kind of advantage off that, Harry had spent seven weeks stressed and worried. Trying to figure out simple enough tasks that Tom's traumatised mind could handle.
In the end he had even gone so far as to request that Lucius of all people try and help using an illegal spell that Tom himself had invented.
That Lucius had agreed to help was a surprise, but Tom assumed it was to pay back the debt to Harry for helping him avoid Azkaban. The trip through Tom's memories of the last half a year in Azkaban could not have been pleasant for the man. Both the warden and Stanley had increased their effort in making his life a living hell during those last six months until Harry had shown up.
"What did it feel like?"
Tom jumped. He had been so focused on his own thoughts that he had forgotten that Harry was there. He wetted his lips before answering.
"I was somewhat aware of what was happening but I couldn't process it or do anything. It felt a little like being drunk and watching everything from the outside on mute. What pulled me through was the pain of the spell Lucius cast. It jogged my mind enough for the fog to clear, but before I could do anything Lucius sent us both spiralling down memory lane. When he withdrew from my mind everything was clear once more." His voice was barely a whisper and he closed his eyes. He focused on the texture underneath his chin and the hand in his hair in order to try and keep his mind blank and the memories at bay.
It felt safe. Like home.
