"Wh-"
Everything around Rin was dark. Her eyes weren't opened or closed. She wasn't awake, she was in a dream. Rin felt like she was falling, but not in any specific direction. There were things missing from Rin's body. She was lighter than normal. She tried to move her legs, but there was nothing to move.
"Right, I got hurt. That goldie shot those weapons at us and I tried to protect the potion for Sakura. Then…I don't remember, but I think I got hit. It doesn't hurt though. I'm probably dying. Shit. Why'd I try to protect that potion? Sakura probably won't even want it. Sakura. I can't protect her now."
A ping of sensation hit Rin. It was like she was just slapped on the back so hard her snipe cracked. Pressure attacked the magus from all directions like she was in the hands of a giant trying to crush her into pulp. Then there came a heat that made her body spasm and her organs burn. It was as if hot irons were being stabbed all over her body and even spawning inside of her. This hot weight that was surrounding and filling the girl was so intense she couldn't even scream. As she could do was tense up as everything turned white. The pain kept increasing exponentially. It was overtaking Rin's ability to comprehend her own body. She couldn't feel or move. All she could do was embrace the physical turmoil. It was becoming difficult to even think of anything but the pain. If she had a tongue, Rin would have bitten into it just to feel a lesser pain she could distract herself with, and hopefully end her life and its accompanying suffering.
The pain just kept on going. Rin couldn't do anything to stop it. She was helpless. That might have been worse than the pain itself. Rin wasn't just feeling greater agony than she could even fully comprehend, but she could do nothing about it. She had a mind, she had a body, but she could do nothing with them to save herself. She was trying her best, but her best wasn't good enough. She wasn't being lazy, she wasn't giving up, she was doing what she should be doing. People commend hard work, and she was working hard at that moment to wake up from the hellish dream she was in, but she wasn't succeeding. Her efforts didn't matter. Rin lived a diligent life, constantly training her mind and body, her martial arts, magecraft, and will, and all of it was worth as much as if she lived a life of leisure and lethargy now that she was facing this pain. It was as if Rin herself was being told she was worthless.
Was this Hell? No, this wasn't Rin entering a new plane, this duress was caused by something entering her. It was like needles were pricking every inch of Rin's skin and injecting something into her. No, that wasn't accurate. It was like Rin was being drowned in the hot and heavy water at the bottom of the sea. The liquid was scalding the magus' skin, crushing her muscles and bone, and filling her insides. Her blood was being replaced by this liquid, this foreign existence. Yes, a foreign existence, that was the thing hurting Rin. It was something that was trying to attach to Rin like a parasite and take her over. The weight Rin felt was the mass of this entity's existence and the heat was the energy and power this invader possessed. This was like when two planetoids got too close to each other. The more massive one would pull in, break down, and subsume the lesser one. Who or what was this being that was trying to overtake Rin?
"Sakura." Rin's voice said, but it wasn't Rin herself who spoke.
"Who said that?"
"Sakura, I'm sorry."
"Who are you?"
"Sakura."
"Hey!"
"I'm so sorry."
While the pain remained, new senses overlapped and presented Rin with something beyond the whiteness. She was in a familiar body, her body. It was whole. She was in a crimson tinted cave, an accursed womb in the background. Rin looked down and saw a corpse at her feet. It had purple hair and eyes, and there was a stab wound in its chest. Sakura was dead. Rin wanted to scream, but she couldn't because this wasn't actually her body she was in. This was a different her from a different history that had already played out. She could do nothing to change the sequence of events, she could only watch them. Rin wanted to know who it was that took her sister's life. Whoever the perpetrator was, they would pay.
Drip. Drip. Drip. Droplets were hitting the ground. Rin saw the Azoth Sword in her hand and the blood that covered it. No. It couldn't be.
Saber said that she had killed her timeline's Sakura to save the world. Rin was seeing Saber's memories. The thing invading her was Saber. How? Why?
"I'm surprised you had it in you Rin. You've made your father proud, I'm sure." Kirei said. The other Rin was approaching the Greater Grail to destroy it, but Kirei was in her way. "Just like Tokiomi, you put your goals above all else, even your feelings. Ah, but it's those feelings that make you different from Tokiomi. You hesitate. You think twice. That's why you ultimately fail to be like your father. You're too weak of heart. Poor Sakura. If only you hadn't abandoned her and treated her like a stranger while she was getting violated daily by worms. Do you even care? Only after it's too late. How convenient that you only feel regret after Sakura's already rust on your blade. Either you're lazy or foolish."
Rin wanted him to stop. Why was he saying these things? Rin's Kirei was a kind man who suppressed his dark impulses. To see an alternate version of him say such cruel things hurt, especially since Rin told herself those same things all the time.
Kirei's cruelties didn't stop as he began beating Rin into submission, making her suffer as he prevented her from reaching the Grail. Each blow made the pain Rin was already experiencing from Saber's invasion worse, but the physical anguish was bearable compared to the emotional damage caused by Kirei's words. Rin couldn't even fight back. Her heart and mind were already unraveling after killing Sakura, she didn't have the will to fight and endure Kirei's psychological assault.
It just kept on going. Rin's bones broke and she was left in a heap on the ground. Kirei was poised to deal the finishing blow, but he never got the chance. The evil that had replaced his heart could no longer sustain him. He died on his feet after having indulged one last time in Rin's pain. The sight of her father figure dying was yet one more stake in the present Rin's heart.
Rin needed to destroy the Grail, but she couldn't even move, let alone muster up enough power to destroy the wish granter. That was when the boy came in. The red haired lad stopped to look at Sakura's corpse. Rin couldn't tell what he was thinking or feeling. He walked past the corpse, past Rin, and went up to the dark tower while projecting a corrupted sword into his hands. He raised it above and it charged with a burning darkness before swinging the blade down to destroy the Grail at the cost of his own life.
This was a nightmare. Rin could handle the physical pain, but watching herself fail to protect those that mattered to her was on another level. She wanted it to stop, but her wish wasn't granted.
More of Saber's life was revealed to Rin. She saw the strained relationship she had with Sakura before and how the guilt of killing the girl had eaten away at Saber all her life. She saw Saber submit to the Counter Force for a chance to save Sakura, only for those efforts to prove futile. Repeatedly Saber would be summoned to save alternate versions of Sakura, and never would the magus ever truly succeed. Sakura would always end up scarred at best and slaughtered after a lifetime of pain at worst. Tens of Sakura's, hundreds, thousands. So many times Saber failed. Eventually Saber made the hardest decision she ever would make. She gave up. She accepted that Sakura couldn't be saved. From there, Saber became a weapon for the Counter Force, killing whoever she was told for the sake of the greater good. So much blood, just like when she stabbed Sakura to death. How many poor unfortunate souls had been snuffed out by Saber's hand, by Rin's hand. All Rin wanted was to save one person and instead she ended the lives of more than she could count.
What a horrid life Saber had lived. Rin kept experiencing Saber's memories on loop while the pain of getting subsumed by another being continued to increase. Rin was breaking under the pressure that came from all angles. The Saint Graph of her alternate self was piercing into Rin's Mind, Body, and Soul to rewrite the script of her being. There was no way for Rin to survive this, for how was an ant supposed to live through having a mountain dropped on them. The difference in scale was insurmountable. Rin was going to crumble and be replaced by Saber.
Rin didn't want to go away, she still needed to protect Sakura. But Sakura didn't want to be protected. She wanted to be free of the fetters of Rin's love so she could make her own decisions and forge her own identity. If that was the case, then perhaps Rin going away would be for the best since that way she couldn't restrain Sakura any longer. If she was gone, then Rin couldn't continue besmirching the Tohsaka name with her constant failures either. The Tohsaka name would end in that case since Sakura didn't want to carry it on, but better that than have the Tohsaka bloodline's reputation be dragged through the mud.
Rin began to disassociate with reality, her desire to live dwindling as she counted all the negative effects of her existence. She began perceiving herself as a cancer upon all those she loved, one that needed to be excised. She'd be replaced with another version of herself, but Saber would be far more useful than the present Rin. At least Saber could fight and, based on the memories Rin saw, could even potentially take down Gilgamesh as long as she faced him with a different strategy. The present Rin would just be in the way. That was the true difference between Saber and Rin, Saber had at least made great achievements while Rin had dedicated herself to developing a magecraft martial art that had gone nowhere. Rin was on a fool's errand while Saber had achieved one of the Tohsaka family's dreams.
The pain started to give Rin a masochistic pleasure as she decided to submit and be melted away so Saber could fill the mold she was taking up. Saber's Saint Graph continued worming its way into Rin's soul, burrowing through Rin's flesh and Magic Circuits. Rin just needed to die. Just die. Rin was eager for it, impatient even. What was taking Saber so long? Rin wanted this. She was submitting. There was nothing getting in Saber's way.
Something was rejecting Saber, but the only thing that could be denying the Servant was Rin herself. There was an incongruity between Rin's conscious desires and her subconscious ones. Rin was sure she wanted to die. She wanted Sakura to be free from her so she could evolve beyond the hothouse flower she had become. Rin was contrite over her failures to live up to the Tohsaka name.
Why did she care so much about that name though? It was because she was raised to do so by the father she exalted, but her father wasn't perfect. Tokiomi Tohsaka had given one of his daughters away and even if had a good motive, he still sent Sakura away without looking back and without considering that the Matous had intentions that were less than kind. Rin and Sakura's father was a man who blindly valued the platonic ideal of a magus as forged by the antiquated traditions of the past. Despite these flaws that had become so clear to Rin after she had grown up, the girl apotheosized her deceased father right in front of Sakura. Rin was so thoughtless that she never thought of how Sakura would feel about their father. Sakura had every right to hate him and yet Rin just sung his praises based on her idealized ideations of what he was like. Rin wanted to never make that mistake again. She would always keep Sakura's feelings in mind.
So how would Sakura react to Rin's death? That was obvious. She would be happy, right?
Would she?
Of course she would. After the fight Rin and Sakura had earlier, how could she not despise Rin?
But that was just one fight. If Sakura didn't love Rin, then why would she even bother getting angry at her? If Rin really didn't matter and was just an obstacle to her happiness, then why did Sakura run out of their bedroom crying when she saw the way Rin was distraught. Rin had been hurt at seeing Sakura's hidden displeasure and when Sakura recognized the effect of her words, she ran. She ran because she cared about Rin. She still loved Rin.
Sakura didn't want to lose Rin.
Sakura didn't want to lose Rin!
Rin couldn't let herself die!
None of Rin's self-deprecation mattered! That was all bullshit! Rin and Sakura could talk things out later, right now Rin had to live!
The pain. Screw this pain! Rin wasn't going to fold just because of a little pain! Rin had to go see Sakura!
Seeing Saber's life taught Rin how damaging it was to obsess over Sakura, or anyone. Sakura was her own person and needed space to live her own life. That was true, but it was also important that Rin lived her own life too. Sakura had value as an individual and so did Rin. Instead of living for Sakura alone, or the Tohsaka name, Rin had to live her multiple things and one of them was herself. Everything finally clicked into place for Rin. Now that she understood the truth. She needed to go see Sakura, Rin had to tell her that she understood everything now and that they could properly talk about how they'd move into the future together and as individuals.
"I'm-" Rin got a word out. Finally, since the pain first hit her, she could force words out. "I'm gonna talk to Sakura. I'm gonna, so get out of my way, Saber!"
The Saint Graph's attempt to paint over Rin's existence slowed, but it didn't stop. Even if Rin was reinvigorated, she was still up against the will of a far more powerful version of herself. The pain only increased as Rin began to struggle, but that motivated her to grit her teeth and fight even harder.
"You think you can take me over? Don't you know who I am? I'm Rin Tohsaka! I'm not just any old Rin Tohsaka! I'm the best Rin Tohsaka you've ever seen! You think you're better just because you became a Magician? That's nothing compared to what I'm gonna do, so get out of my way!"
Rin's Magic Circuits became like pikes that stabbed back at the invading Saint Graph before wrapping around it like ivy. Saber wasn't going to subsume Rin, it was the other way around. Rin was going to absorb Saber's Spirit Core into herself and wake up from this dream.
The pressure and heat around Rin was getting pushed back as the magus' body released a great fire like the core of a star. Saber and Rin's flames mixed and swirled into a tornado with Rin at its epicenter. Things had become a tug of war between Rin's will and Saber's Saint Graph.
Rin roared as she felt her body again and moved limbs she had once lost. Fire had funneled into Rin and shaped into new limbs that shimmered like molten metal in a furnace. The pain kept on growing, and Rin cared less and less. She was going to win, there was no question about that. Everything was being pulled into Rin, even the vast whiteness she was floating in. This was all hers because she said so, and thus she was taking it. The very dream she was in, the memories that played repeatedly, the Saint Graph, the magical energy, all of it was Rin's. It was like she had her own gravitational pull that went beyond the physical and reached the conceptual.
As Rin became the epicenter of everything, she saw a person with their back to her in the distance. It was Saber.
"Can you reach me?" The Servant in red asked.
"Of course I can!" There was no hesitation as Rin reached a hand out towards the distant woman. Her arm began to dissolve as it reached further and further towards that old future, but Rin just willed her arm to stay together. It was her arm, and it wouldn't break unless she gave it permission. The distance kept increasing, but Rin's arm closed that distance faster than it could grow. Rin's heart pulled her old future self closer. She was right in front of her, just in reach. Rin's arm got right up to the Servant, fingers about to touch her back.
Saber's head turned to look back at Rin.
She was smiling.
"Take care of Sakura, and yourself."
Rin's finger made contact.
Rin's eyes snapped open. She was awake, looking up at the familiar ceiling of her bedroom. Her body didn't hurt anymore.
"Rin?" Sakura was kneeling at the side of Rin's bed, eyes red from crying.
"Hey, Sakura."
"Is that you, Rin? You, you? Are you Saber or you, I mean the real you, no, the original-no, I mean-I don't know! Are you my Rin?"
"It's me, Sakura. I'm the sister you grew up with." Rin smiled.
"Rin!" Sakura was about to hug her sister, but stopped short. "A-Are you in pain? Can you move?"
"I don't feel any pain." Rin tried to raise her arm, the one she had lost, and found that an appropriate limb lifted out of the covers. She had been given a replacement, and she knew where it came from. Touching her face, Rin found she had two eyes, a nose, and a mouth again. Legs wiggled and then kicked off the covers to reveal that her entire body had been repaired and she was wearing a t-shirt and shorts. Sitting up, some locks of Rin's hair fell in front of her chest and it was revealed that her hair was now an ombre of brown shifting into solid red at the tips. It was the same shade of red as Saber's hair. Rin held some of the strands between her fingers as she was overcome with a collage of emotions.
"I guess I don't have to explain what happened." Sakura said.
"Saber was used to repair me. I have her memories. It was her idea." Rin closed her eyes and immersed herself in her body's every sensation and her weight. "She gave me everything and now she's a part of me."
"Yeah." Sakura began to cry. "She was a good person."
"She was." Rin looked at the arms she had been given by Saber. "I feel like I should mourn her, but I also have her within me so the idea of acting like she's gone feels strange. Her consciousness isn't here, but everything that defined her is with me. Still, I have to say this: Thank you, Saber."
"Thank you, Saber." Sakura repeated.
"I also need to thank Kirei since he was the one who actually performed the procedure. But first, we need to talk."
"Ah." Sakura froze for a few seconds before she bowed her head and shook. "I'm sorry, Rin. I shouldn't have gotten mad at you and said all those horrible things. I hurt you and then you tried to make it up to me by getting that potion and you got hurt." Saber told Kirei about the potion while he performed the operation to save Rin. Apparently Kirei decided to relay that information to Sakura. "This is all my-"
"It's not your fault." Rin put her hand to Sakura's chin and lifted the girls' head so they could look each other in the eye. "You had no way of knowing that speaking your mind would get me to act rashly, and your complaints were valid. You weren't trying to hurt me, you were just letting out your frustration that had built up over years."
"But I was trying to hurt you! I wanted to hurt you because I was angry!" Sakura hit her thighs with her fists.
"But that was just an impulse. You felt guilty and ran away afterward. If you really wanted to hurt me, you wouldn't regret it as deeply as you are."
"But I still hurt you!" Sakura grabbed Rin's wrist.
"And I forgive you. You made a mistake, the same way I kept making mistakes for the last ten years. I'm sorry I kept coddling you all these years, and I'm sorry that, even after I claimed I wanted us to be more independent, I went back on that and was unwilling to trust you to take care of yourself."
"You were worried about me and you were right to!"
"Yes, but it belied my lack of trust in you. I'm sorry. I'm also sorry for blindly idolizing our father without any consideration for your feelings. That was just thoughtless of me."
"I-It's fine." Sakura shrunk back.
"No, it isn't. Father's actions caused you to experience horrible things and that shouldn't be swept under the rug. I'll be honest, I don't know if I could ever hate father, but I should at least recognize his shortcomings and be tactful about bringing him up."
"It's okay. I forgive you." Sobs staggered Sakura's words.
"Sakura, I promise to trust you from now on and be more considerate of you. After seeing Saber's memories, I realized just how dangerous it is to obsess over each other. We shouldn't abandon each other, but we need to find not only happiness together, but also our own separate happinesses. We're sisters, but we're also Rin and Sakura, two separate people. I love you, Sakura."
"I love you too." Sakura wrapped her arms around Rin who reciprocated. The sisters forgave and accepted each other, their reconciliation bringing them peace. They continued to hug for a few minutes, but eventually they separated, Sakura calming down and whipping away her tears with a tissue. Sakura moved onto the bed so the sisters could sit next to each other.
"Well that was cathartic." Rin said.
"Yeah." Sakura giggled.
"I like your short hair by the way, I didn't mention it before, but I think you look cute with a buzzcut."
"Thank you. I'm not a fan though." Sakura blushed as she rubbed her head. "I'm going to grow it back out and try a new hairstyle. Maybe a bob."
"Oh, you'd look great with a bob. You might also look nice with a pixie cut."
"I think you'd look better with a pixie cut. Saber had one and she looked nice."
"She's a future version of me, so if she can work it, I should be able to too." Rin looked at her new red highlights. "I wonder if these are permanent. Probably."
"I think they're pretty."
"They don't look very professional. Well, I need to stop caring so much about what other people think about me anyway." There was a pause in the conversation which gave Rin time to remember the last thing she needed to address. "Sakura."
"Yes?"
"You know about the Potion of Youth and how it could…help you, yes?"
"Yes." Sakura's facial features drooped.
"I got it for you, but I didn't necessarily assume you would use it. I didn't get it to imply you needed to be 'fixed' or anything. I just wanted to give you the option. I'm just wondering if you've decided if you want to use it or not."
"I don't. If I did, I'd stop being me, the me who is who she is thanks to you and Kirei and Caren. I don't want to go back, I want to move forward." Sakura smiled. "Thank you, though, for the option."
"It was no problem." Rin smiled back.
"Didn't you almost die?"
"Eh, I was fine." Rin's smile became a smirk.
"I'm sure." Sakura rolled her eyes and laughed. "What should we do with the potion now?"
"We might still be able to use it for something, and if not, we can save it or sell it."
"Maybe we could force one of the enemy Servants to drink it to weaken them."
"That might be a little difficult, but you never know."
Rin and Sakura continued talking like normal sisters do. All the baggage and future worries were put to the side as the Tohsaka sisters just relaxed. It was nice.
