January 5th (cont.): Leni said she'd be arriving in Carol's whip right at closing. Lynn has lawn bowling practice and then she is babysitting Liam's little sister after that since Liam and his Mee Maw have to ride down to Hazeltucky for his cousin's dance recital this evening. Liam's little sister has a penchant for biting things, so she isn't allowed into most events. So it's just me on my lonesome today.

Royal Woods Middle School gets out about an hour earlier than Royal Woods High School. You can blame it on bus schedules or how teenagers and mornings don't mix. Personally, I could care less about the time difference of an hour.

It usually works out in my case, either Luna or Leni has an off period whenever I want to catch a ride home early without taking the bus.

Not because I'm weirded out and embarrassed about that time I rubbed goat doo doo all over some 8th graders because I got some bad advice from Liam, I'd like to think that me and the bullies are cool now (let's leave the explanation to that to the dark period where I wasn't updating my journal), so it's not the company that I'm worried about. I just think it's kinda dumb to take the bus when I can just catch a ride or walk home.

I guess my current attitude on the whole deal is because I've been finishing my homework ahead of time and actually paying attention in class and asking questions after class if I don't understand something, I don't need to rush home to get started on schoolwork because I do most of it at school. I used to be the type who never asked for help, but that kind of machismo doesn't really mesh well in middle school. I need my grades to be good to keep mom and dad off my back. Also Carol. She's always pestering me about my grades.

Speaking of which, a European luxury compact suv rolled up in front of me on the sidewalk. I looked around to see if any of the blank-eyed students around were anyone I recognized, they weren't, so I left without saying goodbye.

I watched their forms disappear from the passenger-side window as I clicked my seatbelt closed and slid my backpack to my feet.

"Business Casual Fridays?" Asked Leni, I blinked towards her as she popped the curved mirror on the ceiling to get a good look at my outfit, "And you went with the polo? Totes predictable, but if it works, it works."

I admitted that it felt a bit weird putting it on, like I was a bit guilty for not wearing one around the whole week. I guess getting attached to clothing is a bit odd, but not for us.

"I mean," Leni let a corner of her mouth dip a bit in a frown, "We aren't as poor as we used to be, if you wanted to shop somewhere other than the uniform store I bet mom and dad would be okay with it."

Carol peeked her head from behind the passenger seat and spoke up, "I think you look good in the polo, but you shouldn't be afraid to branch out. I bet you'd look great in a short sleeved button down!"

Yeah, like I'm some kind of millionaire that can afford all those buttons.

Leni let out a giggle and rolled her eyes, "Lincoln, your closet is totes brimmed to the chock with business wear."

Right, I keep on forgetting that everything is completely crazy at school and it's all my fault.

"I mean," Carol folded up the pearbook that was sitting in her lap and tucked it into the back pocket of her seat, "I wouldn't place all the onus on you, at the end of the day they are the ones who decided to dress like that. I think it's kinda fun!"

Carol let out a laugh and turned to Leni, "I bet if we went to school with Lincoln at his age every day would be, like, totally awesome!"

Leni let that thought roll around in her head as she waved a limo through at a four way stop, "I mean, sure, Lincoln is really fun and does silly stuff all the time- but I'd bet it'd get kinda expensive spending all that money on starch and dry cleaning. I'm all for dressing up nice, but sometimes I like to wear something comfortable."

"That's what casual Fridays are for!" Carol rebutted, she turned to me, "I wish I had an excuse to dress that nice when I was in middle school!"

I reminded Carol that she pretty much dresses in workplace compliant clothes and has done so for the totality of me knowing her. There's also nothing stopping her from dressing how she feels like, especially now that she's legally an adult.

"Oh, I guess you're right…" Carol nodded to my reflection in the mirror.

I guess the thing that bothers me the most is that all of this stuff, dressing up, the Buddy Group, and the club all started out as stuff I did for fun. But now everyone is taking them all super seriously and I feel kinda bad for letting everything get kinda out of hand.

Carol frowned, "Well, have you told your friends about all this?"

I have told my friends all this, but the overall sentiment is that they are all having fun with it. It still kinda makes me a bit guilty since it feels like I've sort of dragged everyone else into my insanity.

"I mean, Linc," Leni turned around in her seat at the red light and raised her sunglasses to give me a soft smile, "if they're having fun with it: what's the dingy dang problem? Personally, I'm totes glad you've surrounded yourself with friends who like you and your ideas!"

The light turned green and she shifted into sports mode and shot forward. She carried that momentum into the back streets of the mall, dodging parked semi trucks and loose cardboard boxes with ease. With the flick of her wrist she pulled into her personal parking spot by the loading bay of Reininger's.

Carol and Leni were already out the door as I unbuckled my seatbelt. Teenage blonde girls love the mall. It's pretty much their holy land. I bet they get advantage on saving rolls and a flat bonus to their initiative like a ranger or a druid in a forest.

"Who you texting?"

I looked up and saw Fiona wiggling her eyebrows at me.

Any shred of decency that I thought she possessed crumble in an instant as she waltzed forward and grabbed the phone from my hand to see what I was typing. My innermost thoughts laid bare as she violated my trust and read my journal.

"Oh, you're, like, blogging now?" Fiona let go of my hand that death gripped my phone, "That's kinda cool…"

She ripped her phone out of her back pocket and started tapping on it, "I haven't been on Rumblr since I was really into that one show with the serial killer who eats people… What's your URL?"

I tried to let them know that these are supposed to be private thoughts, and they aren't published.

"That's straight up a cop out, Lincoln." Miguel sighed as he and the other teens surrounded my outside Carol's car, "I promise we won't reblog anything you post, or is there a reason why you don't want us to read it?"

I didn't like the tone of his voice. Or this situation. I think I could probably dispatch Fiona easily by biting at her ankles, then I can probably run away and see if I can make it to the park across the street and wait it out until the streetlights turn on.

"His eyes immediately went to Carol," Fiona smirked and placed her hands on her hips, "I bet it's, like, full of love poetry about how he wishes he could slam that."

"He's 12." Miguel reminded her.

I thanked him for that as I slowly bent my knees down to lower my center of gravity, I can probably take 2 kicks to the face without going down.

"Lincoln, settle down. If it's, like, that personal then I guess we don't have to read it…" Leni sighed and motioned for everyone to lower their phones, "Just- don't start running. I totes don't want to chase after you today, gym class was horrible and my shoulders still hurt from the tetherball tournament."

"I didn't know you wrote poetry, Lincoln." Said Carol with an incredibly tight smile, she spoke slowly, "Er, I think it's important for you to have outlets for your feelings. Uh, sometimes there are some things that are better left unsaid."

I will admit that I don't really want Carol to read my notes, but not for the reasons that everyone thinks they are. They may paint her in a negative light.

I suppose now is a good enough time as any to talk about how I think the idea of me liking Carol is a dogg doo doo prospect.

"Okay, I have decided that I don't want to hear any of that and will just leave now." Fiona turned around and started walking, "That was a fun diversion, but, like, let's go get the supplies for Leni. Breaks almost over now, anyways."

Me and Carol blinked at the other three as they left us. I quickly asked where they were going.

"Oh, yeah!" Leni turned around and nodded, "Ms. Carmichael ordered me some stuff so I could get wholesale prices for thread and fabric tape, it'll just be a second. You two have fun with your little talk!"

I got my wallet out and yelled at her about how I can help cover the costs but they were already gone.

I turned my attention back to Carol, she was frozen like a pillar.

I asked if she would like to change the subject to something that was literally anything else about how I didn't have a crush on her.

Carol was silent for a while, "No, we should probably talk about this to make things more clear for everyone."

I was about to ask who she meant by anyone and she pointed up at a security camera that was pointed down at us, it quickly repositioned itself to the other end of the bay.

I explained to Carol that even if I was 18 or 30 it would be kinda weird to date her since I'm pretty sure I peed on her once while she was babysitting me.

"Yeah, that's a good point." Carol nodded and leaned against the hood of her car, "But to be honest I don't really think it would work out even if we were the same age."

I hissed a little like someone punched me in the gut. I know I'm kinda nerdy and am probably not the hottest 12 year old in Michigan, but hearing it spoken out loud kinda hurts.

"What? No!" Carol waved her hands around, "Not like that! I would have totally-" she cleared her throat, "It's, like, you're 12 years old and you quite literally have a job that makes more than me in a year, sure it all goes to your college fund, but still. I've seen you do things in the span of 11 minutes that would take me months to achieve, and it's like every day is an adventure with you! I don't know,

"Sometimes it feels like you've got it all figured out…"

I am beginning to think that Carol is stupid.

I let her know that I probably wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for her, I'm not lying to say that she's pretty much a Loud at this point. Back when she was babysitting me and Lynn with Lori she would help me whenever I had problems, teaching me to better communicate with others, helping out with my stutter, walking me through the idea that other people have their own motivations and ways of living their lives. If I have it all figured out then it's only because she does too.

Carol was silent for a while, "If that's true then why am I a huge loser who works as a waitress who goes to community College while all her friends are having the time of their lives in universities? Why is my best friend a 12 year old and some girl who hated me all throughout high school despite being her best friend my whole life before that?"

Well, I wouldn't really call Carol a "loser". She makes pretty good bank on tips and is pretty thrifty, community college is a valid and economically sound decision considering that most of her friends are probably going to drop out kneck-deep in student debt, I'm a really weird kid with white hair who loves to put myself in other people's business, and she knew first-hand of how insane Lori was more than anyone so she should know that she has some screws loose.

"So what would you call me?" Carol withdrew a cigarette from her purse and lit it.

I watched as smoke bellowed from her mouth and let out a long sigh, the fog from my mouth released into the cold January air as I sighed. I could feel the cold metal of the car door through my jacket, and tried to ignore the stinging air as it roared in my face. I watched the two clouds converge into one and slowly drift away.

I would call Carol "irreplaceable".

I watched as she slowly looked down at her shoes, "I know you're going to think that I'm a horrible person, but even though I don't really think of you like that I kinda wish you had a crush on me. I mean, I was basically expecting you to have a crush on me just because I'm me."

She slowly slid down onto the cement and sat against her steering wheel, "I'm a narcissist. I care so much about how people think of me. But I'm too much of a coward who lives in my head to actually go out there and meet new people if there's even a chance of them disliking me. I fake so much on instagrim and friendbook, posturing about how happy I am with my life and how easy things are for me. But-"

She tilted her head up to meet my eyes, there was a profound sadness to them that I've never seen on anyone, yet it was still oddly recognizable.

"Things are hard. Life is hard. And I rely on you so much to make sense of it all." She gripped her knees after taking the cigarette out of her mouth, "And you're a CHILD, Lincoln! You aren't supposed to be my therapist! You're supposed to be playing tag and enjoying your youth! Not changing the emotional diapers or some dissatisfied self-obsessed bitch!"

I can't believe Carol can cuss. I'm glad I was writing this all down.

I haven't played tag in months. And I'm admittedly having a fun time hanging out with Carol. If I didn't I could have easily walked away a long time ago. I'm probably just as self-absorbed as she says she is. I used to reason away my interest in Carol's life as some kind of "sneak peak" into what it would be like when I get to her age. But really, I'm just a voyeuristic little weirdo who will never understand what it's like to be someone normal. My interest in Carol's life isn't because I can't help but want to be a good person, I don't even care about stuff like that, my interest in Carol is predicated on the fact that I find her interesting.

I butt into her problems like some kind of emotional tourist because the world that Carol Pingrey lives in is one that I desperately want to see. A soft and quiet world. One that moves gently and quietly enough for you to feel like you're something other than just another face in the crowd. It might just be a facade, it could just all be fake, but that doesn't matter to me. For all intents and purposes, it's a world completely unlike mine.

And I want to be there more than anything, even though I can't.

I could barely hear her voice, "What makes you think that? Do you still feel as lonely as you did when you were little?"

Yes.

"Lincoln," Carol slowly got up and stamped her cigarette out and faced me with misty eyes, "you are irreplaceable to me, too."

"You're a part of me, just like I'm a part of you."

She reached over with both hands and stepped forward, only to catch herself and awkwardly pat my shoulder.

"You're a good kid, Lincoln Loud."

I raised an eyebrow at the hand and she quickly put it back at her side with an awkward laugh. The smell of smoke lingered in the air.

I let her know that if she wasn't my babysitter and we were the same age that I would totally slam that, but phrased it in a way that wasn't as weirdly sexually charged. But I did mention that if Carol wasn't my babysitter then I probably would end up being some bad boy who cuts class and doesn't floss his teeth.

Carol blushed checked her reflection in the side mirror of her car, "Sorry, I had a salad for lunch… and-" she sighed deeply, "I have done some thinking and have come to the conclusion that you are a bad boy, seeing as you do skip class and have a penchant for not following the rules. But you have a heart of gold, and I guess I'd be okay with that hypothetical."

Well, I suppose that's a boost to my ego.

My phone is about to die.

Carol chuckled, "Welp!"

She straightened her back and shot me a smile and hiked her thumb towards the back entrance into the store, "Let's move on to the next adventure!"

I guess Carol's idea of an adventure is finding a free outlet at the mall. I suppose she'd be pretty low-maintenance if she was someone's girlfriend.

I asked her what her shoe size was, and if she knew how to roller skate.

"Oh, I've always wanted to roller skate! That double date with you and Ronalda and Lori and Bobby looked like so much fun in Lori's instagrim story! At least before the cops showed up!" Carol did a little skip in the air as I chased after her, "Do you think you could teach me?"

Yeah, I think I could manage that.

See, now that sounds at least a little bit more exciting than charging my phone.

I held down the power button on my phone as I raced Carol to the door, our laughter drowning out the howling of the wind.


Carol was originally supposed to be a reoccurring "brick joke" type character but she ultimately became her own person as she kept on showing up again and again and again. Now that we have tied up her personal problems and deep seated inadequacies she can go back to just being a background character. I'm sure you guys are sick and tired of her showing up and wanna see more of your favorite characters, like the guy who sells hotdogs in casa or The Fox Quintuplet's mom.

Carol is never showing up in the show again so I always gravitated towards writing her because she's basically a blank check. I always like characters like that.