WARNING: descriptions of pain, swearing.
Emotional Damage
The world was spinning off its axis and he was in blinding agony. Those were the only two things he knew. The only two things that existed: the spinning and the pain. He didn't know which was causing which. All he knew was that he wanted it to stop. But he didn't know how to make that happen. So the world kept on spinning, and the agony kept on building.
'Alan.' A voice broke through the haze – a third thing coming into existence. It was faint, distant. He couldn't identify it. 'Alan, breathe.'
Breathe? He was breathing. That much he knew – because if he wasn't breathing then nothing else would exist. Not the pain, not the spinning, nothing. And while that option was a little appealing, Alan certainly wouldn't rather be dead. At least, he didn't think he'd rather be dead. But unconscious? Yeah, maybe that would be better. If only he could just pass out.
'Slower.' The voice came again. 'You're going to pass out if you don't slow your breathing.'
Yes please. Yes, unconsciousness sounded like heaven right now. Blissful ignorance. He could do with some of that right now. The voice clearly didn't know what they were talking about.
'Come on, breathe with me. Deep breath in… and out… In… and out.'
Against his own will, Alan found himself obeying. It was one of the funny things he'd always thought about breathing. How you didn't need to tell your brain when to do it, but the moment someone says, 'Breath in,' you just do it. Weird, right?
'That's better, keep going. Deep breath in… and out.'
Moment by moment, the spinning began to slow. A figure rippled into view, hovering above him. As the world came more and more into focus with each slowing spin, the features became more and more discernible, until (at last) he could make out who it was.
'Gordon?' His own voice was harsh – gravelly and tense. He barely even recognised it.
'I'm here, kid, just keep on with those nice deep breaths for me, okay?'
He moaned. 'Trying. Hurts.'
'What, the breathing?' Gordon frowned. 'Or just in general?'
'General,' Alan clarified through gritted teeth. 'Everywhere.'
A flash of relief crossed his brother's face and he put on that easy smile. The one he reserved for work, for their rescuees. Usually Alan loved that smile; it was confident and assured and charming. Just… he didn't love it so much when his brother had to turn it on him.
'Yeah, no kidding,' Gordon said. 'That was one hell of a fall you just had. I'm pretty sure your life just flashed before my eyes.'
Uh oh. That was what Alan had once heard Scott call one of Gordon's 'soft jokes'. Again, it was the sort of thing he only did on rescues. 'Soft jokes' were the kind of jokes that were designed to put you at ease without making you laugh too much. The kind you might make if you thought proper laughing might actually cause someone pain, but a little chuckle might help.
'That. Bad. Huh?'
Gordon screwed up his nose, appearing to think about how best to phrase his answer. 'Well, the good news is you're not in imminent danger… as far as we know. Virgil's booking it back home for a med scanner and a stretcher.'
He could feel his breathing getting shallower again. Faster. The initial relief at seeing a familiar face had temporarily dulled the pain, but now it was returning with a vengeance. It was that blisteringly hot, nauseating kind of pain. The spinning was starting again – slow at the moment, like it was on its lowest setting.
'Oh no you don't. Alan!' Gordon raised his voice. 'Deep breaths, sprout. With me. In… and out. In… and out…'
It was easier to pull it back this time. Probably because he wasn't afforded the time to let it get quite so out of control. Gordon's face was back, closer to his own this time. And now that he thought about it, he could feel his hands on his head too – holding him steady, gentle fingers brushing through his hair. As he came further into focus, Alan could see this look in his eye. Steely, determined. He wasn't about to let Alan spin out of control again, and honestly Alan wasn't sure if he was relieved or concerned.
'Okay, that's good,' Gordon said, 'but I think we can do better.'
Alan groaned. 'This… this is the – best I got.'
'No, it's not.' He shook his head. 'Listen, I'm gonna teach you something, okay? Something… something I've had to learn myself over the years, but I'm going to teach it to you now and it's going to help with that pain. It'll sound stupid, but it'll take the edge off.'
'If you've –' Alan grunted – 'if you've got fucking painkillers on you and you – you didn't offer them earlier.'
'No painkillers until we know the full extent of what we're dealing with; you know that.'
Alan shouted his frustration – a loud, guttural shout that came from the depths of his stomach. Honestly, he knew the movement should have hurt him… but it felt good.
'Good!' Above him, Gordon nodded, some of that steel in his eyes creeping onto his face and into his voice. 'Good, you let it out. As long and as loud as you need. Let it out.'
He shouted again – longer, louder – until there was nothing left in him. It trailed off into a pathetic sounding sob, but Alan found he didn't have it in him to care. It just hurt so damn much.
'Good job. Good job, Allie.'
'So, what?' He sobbed. 'You're just… teaching me how to scream?'
Gordon shook his head. 'No, I think you got that covered. I'm going to teach you how to breathe through the pain.'
Gordon was right. It did sound stupid. In fact, it was the stupidest thing Alan had ever heard in his life. But he didn't really know what was going on or how badly he was hurt. Just that he was hurt, and it was agonizing.
'I do it all the time. It might not work for you because it's something that's typically done for chronic pain,' Gordon continued, 'but – I'll be honest with you – I don't know what else to do. You're not bleeding, and I can't move you because, well, you know why we don't do that. But we've gotta do something because you're losing it and I don't know how long Virgil's gonna be, and I can't just sit by and do nothing. So, we're going to damn well try this, because at the very least it's gonna distract you, okay?'
'Fine.' He grit his teeth.
'Okay. So, we're gonna breath in for four, hold for four, exhale for four, and then hold for four again. Got it?'
'Then what?'
'We repeat. You ready?'
Alan took a deep breath and let it go. 'Ready.'
'Okay. Let's do this. Deep breath in…'
