Chapter 14- The True Monster

For the first time since, well, surgery day, the day started with an alarm blaring it's BEEP, BEEP, BEEP into the world. Jay was so scared by it that he instantly jumped out of sleep, hands going straight to his ears as he kicked a foot in Hailey's direction.

"Sorry, sorry, I'm getting it," she quickly spoke as she shot up in bed, rolling to her side and turning the thing off. Only when it stopped did Jay slowly remove his hands from his ears, whole body still shaking.

"It's off. It's okay, Just breathe." Hailey placed a hand on Jay's shoulder, the two of them holding in place till Jay calmed down. It took a good minute or so, but eventually his body began to relax, the full blown shivering and shaking was more like a quiver now, his eyelids slowly peeling open. The sunshine of the new day greeted his tired eyes, going straight to the window and watching the light dance on the other side of the curtains.

"We've got to get going," Hailey quietly spoke near his ear, getting a single nod from Jay as she rolled out of bed, walking to the curtains and pulling them open enough to let some light in. They were nowhere near close to Jay being able to go from darkness to full sunlight strength, Hailey taking note of that as she opened them but a crack. Once things were in a good spot she turned to face Jay, who hadn't moved at all but was just staring back at her, eyes very much glazed over with sleep.

"Hey, you've got to get up."

"I can't," he spoke into a pillow, trying to adjust himself back into a good sleep position.

"Hey, we can sleep when we get back. Come on, we've got to get up and get going. Will's gunna be here in an hour and we've got to be totally ready by then." Prior to surgery, and all of this, getting ready in an hour was something neither of them thought twice of. In fact, they'd roll back to sleep for twenty minutes before having to get up and get out the door. But in this new, post surgery life, an hour felt like five minutes. Jay had greatly slowed down in just about every category, which was usually totally fine. However, when you have a doctor's appointment at 10am and it was going to take thirty minutes to get there, the clock was really working against you. Hailey took a seat on the edge of Jay's side, watching him do his best to fall back to sleep, but instead was just laying motionless in bed with his eyes closed. Eventually he huffed in frustration, prying an eye open at a time to meet her face. She was neither upset or annoyed, but certainly not happy or delighted about any of this. If anything, there was a little bit of worry, sadness, nerves mixed in with it all.

"Jay, you really do need to get up. I'm sorry this appointment is early in the morning, for you, but we need to get going." Jay sighed, looking all around the room as he nodded.

"I know, I just can't get up."

"You can. You just need to push it a little." Hailey held a helping hand out and Jay slowly accepted it, allowing her to help him sit up in bed. Once he was upright and adjusted properly she began the morning round of medication. It was amazing what a couple days of being alone did for the two of them. No longer was Hailey afraid or unaware of what all Jay needed, she could dish things out without even thinking about it now. Jay meanwhile was really getting into a groove of things, a very good pattern of waking up. He still wasn't at all ready to wake up when an alarm need him to, which is understandable since this was the first time since surgery, but he was getting better at waking up. Granted it was a minute by minute improvement at this point, but a step in the right direction nonetheless.

"Do you want the shower first? It's now quarter to nine."

"What," Jay asked between swallowing pills?! How twenty-five minutes flew by without him knowing was shocking. Hailey nodded as she stood up.

"Yeah, I keep saying that we need to get going."

"You go first, I'll keep trying to wake up," Jay replied, settling a little further back down into the bed.

"Nope, I'm not leaving you here alone so you can fall back to sleep. Come on, out of bed and then I'll get in the shower." She had to just about drag him out of bed by his arm, but soon, rather begrudgingly, Jay was on his feet, rubbing his eyes as Hailey opened the bedroom door.

"You, coffee. Now, drink it while I'm in the shower. There's a pot already made so all you have to do is pour." Jay could only nod, start trudging in the direction of the kitchen, waving as she ran for the shower. Once in the kitchen he had a brief moment of complete mental wipe for everything. He stood in the doorway, completely lost on where he was, what he was doing in here, and where everything was. Blame it on the forced awakening, but for a weird amount of time he just stood in place, staring at the floor doing absolutely nothing. Only when the coffee maker beeped that it was done brewing did he finally blink back into reality. Coffee. Cup. Drink. Doctor's appointment. Jay had his orders. He walked to the cabinet that housed the coffee mugs, grabbing a random speckled, ceramic, muted beige one. A memory of the two of them picking those out one fluke Saturday morning they had off flashed across his mind. It was a local homeware store that Hailey had mentioned by name several times, showed him all the Instagram pics she could, was dropping some serious hints and Jay wasn't an idiot. So on a whim that Saturday morning he told her to hurry up and get ready for a surprise, telling her to keep her eyes closed the entire ride, only allowed to open them when they were in a parking spot directly in front of the store. She practically squealed with delight when she realized where they were. She was the first one in the store, every section her face lit up with excitement and complete love for it all. She may not have been a great cook or home person at the time, but she had an eye for detail and design and just knew what looked good. An hour later they walked out with a set of those coffee mugs, some plates, and a few napkins and regular drink glasses. It was such a normal, Saturday couple activity that they did. It was so out of the usual for them but something they both wound up loving that they did.

Alas, the dark cloud of current reality clouded the once happy, joyful, normal memory in Jay's mind. The perky, upbeat face that was on his face as he poured the coffee into the mug turned somber, mute, quiet as he sipped. He could not picture them doing anything like that anymore, almost hating they were so oblivious to the harshness of life that day. Jay more than likely had a tumor growing frantically and freely in his mind that day and they just had no idea what was coming down the line for them. But in all honesty, do any of us have a clue what's happening in five minutes, next week, six years from now? No, the answer is no. But if we did know all things, we probably wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning. So as Jay kept sipping he was a mix of many memories. On the one hand he was rather jealous of that time, wishing there was some way to go back and pause life right there. Keep all the scenarios and emotions and health right there but have life move forward to now. But, on the other hand, he felt bad for them and not knowing what was coming. How they put some things off or were planning for better timing and circumstances, when in reality they should've seized things right then. He wanted to get back there, find a way to be that person and those people and be just like that once more, but he was truly struggling to see a way back to that right now. Only his growling stomach ripped him away from those bittersweet ideas and to food. Rummaging around the cabinets a little bit more rewarded him a granola bar. It wasn't very much to sustain him but honestly the nerves of what was coming today kept him from wanting to eat too much. He made it through eating the whole bar before a new thought popped into his mind: clothing. Again, for the first time since surgery he had to think about what he was going to wear. Ever since that day he was either in hospital attire or had someone else pick things out for him. He hadn't been in his own closet in well over three weeks now, figured it was time to see the place. He tossed the granola bar wrapper in the trash, poured himself another cup of coffee, and worked his way to the closet.

Passing the bathroom he could hear the shower still on, the sound of things hitting the shower floor hard letting him know that Hailey was close to being done. She was finishing up the shampoo part of showering, just conditioner and face washing to go. His hand hesitated on the closet door for a second for reasons Jay didn't quite understand. It was a room full of clothes, there was nothing to be fearful of. But, as he opened the door and his reflection abruptly greeted him, that's when he got it. He had seen himself many times by now, every morning when he got up to brush his teeth, shower, go to the bathroom, he had plenty of opportunities to see himself by now. But there was something about being in a place he hadn't been before surgery, and then seeing himself in that place now, it took time to adjust and accept things. As he turned the closet light on and truly got the full picture of things, he understood why Hailey was still struggling with things. He was really hating the full, body length mirror now, really despising that it was directly across from the closet door. There was no preparing oneself or delay in opening the door, turning the light on, before seeing oneself. It was a common theme to see himself now and immediately go to someone very ill. He was really missing the bedhead look that he sported almost every morning, missing the ability to tussle his hair with his coffee mug free hand as he rummaged for clothes. There was just nothing there. All the habits and looks of the past were gone. He was starting anew in many ways, now wondering why this many weeks out there wasn't any hint of regrowth, which scared him a little. As he stood in place, sipping coffee, he glared at his reflection. He couldn't look past that fact that he looked every bit as sick and different as he felt, was almost not recognizing the person in mirror. It was weird, it was different, it wasn't him. None of this felt like him. And there was the true problem. He was a guy at this point, he wasn't Jay Halstead. Jay Halstead in true essence was not here, was still trying to wake up on the other side of surgery. Certainly Jay knew that was his name and that he was alive and could function in life. But the character, the personality, the spirit and life of Jay Halstead was rather buried right now. Jay right now was just making it through days, getting to mile markers and appointments but was not truly living. He was not himself. And no, it wasn't because hair was missing or that he had scars all over his head or that he'd been through major surgery, that wasn't what defined him. The grit, the drive, and desire for life and living things his way was missing from everything right now. That was why he felt so out of place. That was why he was hating everything right now. It's funny that it took standing in a closet for that all to click, but part of Jay was glad he finally made it in here. Because you could not begin to change and work through difficult things when you aren't aware of the problem. He couldn't help but smirk back at himself now, sigh as he scanned himself once more and confirmed that that was the issue. He needed to find himself once more. How he did that was yet to be figured out. Partly because he had no clue, but also because a surprised, nearly de-robed Hailey gasped when she saw him standing there.

"Oh my gosh," she jumped, grabbing for the towel that was falling to the floor. Jay whipped around, smiling as she grabbed for the towel before crossing her legs and planting arms over her chest.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," Jay spoke as he bent down, picked up the towel and handed it to her. He didn't get why she was so afraid to be naked around him, since he'd kind of seen it all already. But then he recalled back at Northwestern that he too didn't want anyone besides Will helping with getting dressed or seeing him like that. Just because they'd both seen each other's…everything, didn't mean they were going to walk around the house naked all the time. There's a time and a place for that and a mutual respect and understanding. When one wasn't ready for that, then the other was going to respect the boundaries and desire fully. That was true love and appreciation right there. So Jay made sure to not look as he handed her the towel, waited till she was wrapped up again before glancing away from the floor.

"I'm fine. I just didn't expect you to be in here."

"Yeah, I…just wanted to pick something out." Hailey gave him one of those 'oh really,' faces, one that she'd given him so many times throughout their relationship. It was so good and convicting that Jay blushed as he spoke.

"I'm serious! I haven't been in here in forever so figured it was time." Hailey beamed, walking into the room as she began to gather things for herself.

"Okay, but that's good! Remember it has to be comfortable and no metal."

"Oh darn, I can't wear my metal pants today." Hailey rolled her eyes, snickering as she finished up with footwear and under garments.

"You're such a dork," she teased. Jay grabbed fleece lined joggers, a waffle knit and a hoodie before selecting sneakers and socks. Honestly he had no clue if any of it would look good together or make sense. Thus the reason he turned to Hailey for approval and waited with hesitated breaths. She scanned things once before giving him a quick thumbs up, nodding in approval.

"For not having picked anything out in weeks, you did great!"

"Aw, thanks," Jay joked.

"Now hurry up and shower. Will is going to be here any minute."

"You know he always says he'll be here at a certain time but then shows up like ten minutes later."

"Oh, I know. I counted that in to things. So seriously. Hurry." Hurrying was not in Jay's vocabulary right now, nor a pace at which he was doing things. But he tried his best, jumping into the shower and quickly washing himself before hopping out and brushing his teeth. The good news was that he saved time in hair styling and only had to get dressed from here. He managed to reopen the bathroom door just as Will texted that he had arrived. The two of them were quick to grab jackets and hats and gloves before heading to the elevator and putting it all on as the elevator car fell to the lobby. They were outside in record time, just about bouncing into Will's car before they pulled out into the street. They'd done it, Jay had done it. He successfully got out the door at 9:30am that morning. For a guy that was used to waking up fully at 10, that was a huge victory.

"Good morning you two," Will greeted as Jay and Hailey caught their breath from their brisk dash to the car. Hailey smiled in the rearview mirror, buckling before relaxing onto the back of the seat, head turned to look out the window. Jay meanwhile was a little slower, choosing to start with laying back on his seat, eyes closed as he breathed.

"You okay," Will asked? Jay nodded, sighing as he opened his eyes.

"Tired," Jay yawned.

"Yeah, I figured. Sorry. I wanted to push the appointment back to later in the day, but this was as late as we could get."

"It's fine. The sooner we get it done, the sooner we all can get home."

"So very true. Now buckle so I can drive." Jay was quick to realize that he'd never buckled, a tad embarrassed as he reached over for the seatbelt, the satisfying click letting Will know it was time to get going. Which he did not a second later.

"Do you mind if the radio is on," Will asked? Jay shook his head, staring out the window in deep pondering as the car rolled along. The bits and pieces he caught of whatever was going on on the radio were both unfamiliar to him and seemed to not apply to him at all. He truly did feel like he'd slept in a coma for over a year, waking up and being placed in a world he knew nothing about. Whatever top stories were being discussed were beyond Jay's understanding. He had not a clue who the key players were, what all had happened, or why he should care about it. Again, going right along with that feeling of being out in place in everything, the more he listened the less he was aware of and in the know. Of course, he understood that crime happened and that politics was always going to be crazy. But being so far detached from that, to hear it now and try to figure things out was a mental task Jay had no interest in partaking in. So instead he turned his full attention to the window, the world right outside.

It was now mid-January, the full brunt and dreariness of winter was in swing by now. At this early morning hour, people were still trickling into work. Whether that be the above normal crowded streets or the sidewalks when they got closer to the Loop, it was both pleasant and welcomed to see other people doing life. Because for close to a month now, the only life Jay saw was his, or those caring for him, or hospital life. And while all of those were important in their time, he was dying, almost craving to see life that didn't involve him. Because that's what he did long before all of this. His entire job was to observe other people's life, habits, and try to intervene before things got bad. As he kept his gaze at the outside world, the more he missed it. Which for the first time in forever lead his wandering mind to work. God, how he was missing it. He almost missed the super late night stakeouts, the slow walks into work in the morning. He was even missing Trudy's quirky one liners of judgment and observation. He wanted to be back up there right now, dive into some mundane drug case and spend the next couple weeks digging into that scum filled world. He missed the adrenaline that flowed through his veins whenever they pulled up to a location, right now was missing his pen and notebook that housed all kinds of notes. He missed work so bad that he was wishing he could be out there, right now stamping his frozen booted feet into the ground for warmth. He wanted life back, he wanted his passion back, he wanted the one constant thing that he knew so well, and it tailored to him so perfectly, to be a staple in his life once more. But instead, he sat here, in a car, on the way to a place he loathed ever so. Their little hospital hiatus was over. Today they were getting back into reality, the medicine side of this awful event. He hated this, hated that once again he was having to give things up. The truth was that Jay still had a brain tumor in his head, that he was dealing with brain cancer, and that treatment was coming at him slapped in the face right then. The dreading and ideas and sliver or normalcy was over. Today it was the beginning of round two, a return to the chaos. He only prayed today was quick, that he'd be out of Northwestern just in time for his daily afternoon nap. Naps, another thing work Jay never thought about. Naps were for vacation, for when you were sick. Nowadays he couldn't live without them.

"And here we are," Will announced as he pulled back into the valet spot, the very place of Jay's first vomiting attack. Ah, the good memories abound.

"And we have just enough time to get in there," Hailey commented as she opened her door, stepping out into the valet area and looking up. It took her about a second to realize she was all alone in this staring up thing, turning back to look at a ghostly colored Jay. Apparently he'd worked himself into a full panic the entire car ride and no one noticed. Hailey sighed, opening the passenger door, resting on the open door as she looked at his pitiful self. His eyes were fixated on whatever was happening in front of him, not budging as she opened the door, nor did he notice Will shut the car off and turn to face him. His eyes were huge, his breathing steady but labored, there was a tidal wave of nerves on him to the point that Hailey was worried if she touched him he'd slap her back. He was scared, worried. She knew Jay hated hospitals, but this was a whole new look on him.

"Jay, we're gunna be late," Will pointed out, undoing his buckle and opening his door. When Jay didn't budge after Will got out and shut his door, Hailey had to step in and try.

"Jay, seriously we got here on time and I'd hate for us to be late because we sat here. It's okay to be scared."

"I'm not scared," Jay spoke out at the windshield.

"Dude, you look like you're about to cry or pass out."

"No I don't," Jay was quick to shoot back, which is what finally pulled him away from the windshield and to his very open door, taking note that now Hailey and Will were standing there, looking rather concerned at him. Okay, perhaps he was a slight bit of nervous, but not to a level where he needed this kind of concern.

"I'll be fine."

"Okay, good! How about you prove that by getting out of the car," Will said, stepping aside and ushering his arm for Jay. Rolling his eyes Jay unbuckled, got himself out of the car, and moved enough for Hailey to close the door. A good observation, unlike the last time he was here, Jay was able to get himself out of the car. But on the not so great side, Jay was not at all energetic to get out of the car and into the hospital like he was the day of surgery. He had to overcome his fear of this place. It was helping him get back to everything else that lay behind, around, and above this hospital.

"The sooner we get in there, the sooner we get this thing done."

"And the sooner we get in there, the sooner we learn new things," Will pointed out.

"And the sooner we get the appointment done, the sooner we get the scan done and the sooner we get back home and in bed," Hailey finished. Jay breathed a deep sigh, pulling the beanie down on his head a little more as he nodded. He totally got what they were trying to do and was fully aware of all that. But at the same time, he was not ready to get into this. Give it another week, try this thing out when it was warmer, he just wasn't ready for this all to start up once again. But he had to, he had to get his life back. He was in the middle of that lack of control stage. Allow others to help so he could take his life back one day. That was the only thing energizing him through the front door. As Will hit the button for the elevator Jay looked around, noting that this was where he saw daylight for the first time since surgery, where Hailey shielded his head from the cold and the two of them had that quick moment. As they boarded the elevator, Jay noted that he was standing, on his own power today, not sitting rather comfortably and okay in a wheelchair. He had improved in many ways. He was getting better, now he just needed to be well. Also, he was looking forward to seeing Amelia, oddly enough. He missed her never ending positivity and the very real, blunt talks they had prior to surgery and thereafter. He missed having that all-knowing guide through this thing and knowing that he'd see her again. So when the elevator doors opened to the doctor's office setting, Jay was the first to get off the elevator. Hailey and Will took a seat in the chairs close to the door as Jay checked himself in.

"Name," the same overly happy and excited receptionist asked?

"Jay Halstead. Sorry I'm a couple minutes late," Jay blushed.

"Oh, that's totally fine. I'm sure traffic is terrible right now." Jay could only nod. The thought of talking about traffic was weird and something he knew nothing about.

"Okay! You are checked in. You can take a seat and you'll be called back shortly." Jay nodded once more, slowly turning away from the desk and to Will and Hailey. It was so funny watching them this time around. The last time they were here, all were quite nervous. It was easy to see why, it was pre-op and they were a week out from the biggest moment of Jay's life. The tumor was fully sized at that time and creating havoc and chaos in his life, all of theirs really. So to see them now, very much relaxed to the point of pulling out the old magazines was quite comforting to Jay. They were doing okay, he needed to match their energy.

"You did not apologize for being late," Hailey teased as she thumbed the pages. Jay took the seat in between Will and Hailey, suddenly hating how tight they all were. They had the entire waiting area to themselves yet they were sitting three wide and tight. Surely they looked ridiculous.

"What's wrong with that," Jay asked? Hailey snorted as she turned another page.

"You're too courteous for your own good, Jay," she spoke into the page.

"I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or insult," Jay teased back, which got him a wry smile from Hailey.

"Also why are we sitting so close together?!"

"What? What's wrong with making sure you're okay," Will chimed in.

"Guys, I'm not just gunna pass out and fall asleep on the floor. Can we get some breathing room, please?!" Hailey sighed, Will chucked his magazine down onto the seat next to him, but just as the two of them stood the waiting room door opened and the same nurse who greeted at Jay pre-op appeared. Will and Hailey never sat down so quick, which made Jay snort in humor as he watched the two of them redden.

"Jay Halstead," the nurse called out, Jay up and on his feet by the time she said his last name.

"You're gunna do great," Will bid farewell with.

"Remember, the sooner you get done the sooner we can get home," Hailey spoke up. Jay nodded, taking a couple steps before turning to bid farewell.

"Coffee on the way home?"

"Sounds good," Will and Hailey spoke together.

"Come on back," the nurse greeted once Jay was at the doorway. There was no final wave goodbye or air kisses or anything like that. It was as routine as any other doctor's appointment. Just like that, Jay was back to doing this whole medical adventure alone. He was fully in it now.

"Okay, unlike the last time, I'm going to tell you now that we have to take more blood," the nurse advised as Jay got on his usual spot in the doctor's office. Jay nodded as his bottom touched down on the crinkled paper, taking his jacket off as he watch the nurse pull things up on the computer. It was weird now, seeing all his info, charts, data, scans and reports right in front of him. It was almost like a fun little scrapbook, except the contents of this one encompassed a deadly and rare brain tumor, so there weren't very many good things in there. But just taking it all in and knowing all of that was behind him truly made Jay proud of himself. Perhaps that was the whole point of this two week appointment. If nothing else, it was starting to drag him out of his pity party and make him see and realize how far he'd come from that day back at Med. The tears were not there today, and he had several healing scars on his head to prove that indeed, he'd done the fucking thing. He was so enamored in the memories that he completely forgot about the whole blood draw thing till the nurse announced that he had to roll his sleeve up.

"Do you want step by step," she asked as she lined things up on the tray? Jay shook his head.

"Just get it done as quick as you can," he spoke. He flinched at the needle being poked into his skin, was only feeling the massive nature of the needle in his arm as three vials were filled up. He seriously felt like he was about to pass out when the needle sprung out from his arm, Jay sighing a huge amount of relief as the bandaid wrap was wrapped around his forearm.

"Good job!"

"I feel like a child," Jay joked, which got him a quick chuckle from the nurse. She was quick to toss the needle in the bin, gather her things up before heading to the door.

"Dr. Heart will be in soon." "What about….uuuummm, sorry I forgot her name. The oncologist," Jay spoke up.

"Oh, I think that's after the scan. She can't see you till she has those images and can form a game plan for all of that." Jay nodded, thanking the nurse as she slipped behind the door. He waited till he made sure that door was closed before swinging his legs on the side of the crunchy paper table, just about to have his feet touch down on the ground. He had this weird desire to get on that computer and dig around at things for himself. He needed to remember things, see what all he had accomplished. But just as his left foot hit the ground, a knock on the door ceased all movement from him. Let the Jay Halstead and Amelia Heart reunion commence.

"Jay Halstead," she practically cried out, face dripping with excitement and giddy as she walked through the office door. She was every bit happy and bubbly and herself as Jay remembered her. Her hair was up in a bun today, but everything else was as he remembered her. The thick southern accent greeting him, followed by the gum smacking and wheelie shoe entrance flooding him with joyfulness and delight. She extended her arms out for a hug and Jay was quick to embrace her. She did save his life after all so regardless on his stance with hugs, he knew she was going to forever be the exception. It felt beyond great to see her once again, feel that strength and hope and goodwill in his life.

"I'm so excited to see you," she pulled away with! She did a quick scan of Jay, going head to toe before nodding in approval.

"You are looking amazing. I'm so proud of you for getting here today. You walked in here on your own and you are very attentive and alert. Jay, that is huge." Jay nodded, sitting back down on the table as he spoke.

"Thanks," he quietly, but semi-confidently spoke up. Amelia patted his arm once more before getting the exam underway.

"Okay, fun stuff over. Now it's time to look at things." She pointed to Jay's head, waiting for him to take the beanie off and lay back down on the extra small pillow. This was the first time and place that Jay was beanie free in the real world since surgery. It was both odd and freeing, grateful that he was doing this trial run of things with her.

"Alright," she spoke once the burr holes were observed and deemed healing well, turning Jay's head to the non-surgical side before really peering into things. She tapped a couple places, truly examined the still healing incisions before asking all the typical questions.

"Does this hurt," she asked while feeling all around where the skull flap was healing. Jay's quick wince and 'yeah' was all she needed to know.

"I know, sorry. It's gunna be that way a few more weeks. But the incisions are looking really good. You're washing daily?"

"Yup," Jay spoke.

"Okay, good! And is that a little growth I'm starting to feel," she asked while rubbing her finger at the very base of his neck. Jay furrowed his brow, bringing a hand back to where she was and sure enough, it was the smallest rough patch in the world. But still, it was a sign that something was starting to grow back.

"Why right there," Jay asked? Amelia offered him a hand to help him sit up and he accepted.

"Well, it's one of the few spots where you didn't have surgery or an ICP monitor or burr holes. So those areas are going to take a little longer to start the regrowth process because they suffered some level of trauma."

"Ah."

"I know, it kind of sucks that this far out you're not seeing anything. But it will happen I promise." Amelia then pointed a finger at Jay, asking him to follow her movements and he did without issue. Next was the reflex test, passing all of that swimmingly.

"You are looking really good, Jay. I'm just shocked that you're doing this well. Most people at the first check up still need help getting around. And plus, knowing what you had to deal with and the surgery you endured, I'm super impressed." Jay nodded as he watched her start to pull old files up, going over those initial scans before turning to look back at Jay.

"So this is where we started," she pointed out, using her finger to trace the outline of the monster. Honestly even now, just knowing that was in his head was truly terrifying. How he managed to just forge ahead and agree to surgery was beyond Jay at this point. That thing was horrific. No wonder everyone who saw it quivered in fear and passed it off to the one person who dared to take the thing on. It truly was a worst nightmare, giving you night terrors monster. No wonder he suffered the worst headaches of his life under that thing. Now he felt like the tumor had been slightly kind to him. A snap of a finger and he should've fallen down dead. He'd never been more grateful to be on this side of things.

"And here is the very last scan we did right after surgery," she noted while pulling that one up. It was certainly still there, but so much smaller, more manageable and less daunting now. To think that was him over two weeks ago, part of Jay was quite curious to see what the thing looked like today after the chemo disks had been doing their thing this whole time.

"So what are we hoping for today," Jay asked?

"Well, I'd love to see that it shrunk some, maybe to a point where you only need the one round of things." Jay perked up at that one.

"Really?" Amelia nodded.

"Oh for sure, once that dying stage begins, it tends to keep dying off on itself. So since we got a lot out, my hope is that the chemo picked up right then and just kept killing the thing off. Plus, since you aren't showing signs of limitations or major issues, I don't think it's having a problem with shrinking. What about the headaches?"

"They're still happening, but I think it has more to do with everything healing than the issue before."

"It could be that, but also just the regular headaches being masked by the healing. So I don't think it's totally gone. That I have never seen. But to the point of shrinking to only needing one round of stuff? It has happened. Granted, it's not all the time. But it can." Jay nodded, looking back at the scans once more. He was so mesmerized by them and he had not a clue why. He couldn't help but stare at them.

"So how is everything else? How is the adjustment period going?" Finally, Jay had to pull himself away from things, look at the surgeon in the eye before deciding if he shared everything or just gave her what she wanted. But a split second later he knew he had to tell everything. They never had a relationship where they messed around with things. They both had been quite honest about the reality of Jay's life and Jay was not about to stop that now.

"It's going…kind of hard."

"Yeah, I figured," Amelia spoke. Jay took a breath, trying to put things together in a way that made sense before speaking.

"I'm…really trying to…find me in all of this. It was one thing to see the tumor as a problem and that it was getting fixed, but now I'm in this 'and then what,' stage of things. Home doesn't feel like home, life doesn't feel like mine anymore. I'm just living how people want me to and doing things other people or drugs or this tumor wants me to. It's been difficult for sure." Amelia nodded, shutting the screen off before facing Jay head on, she waited till she had his full attention, nodding and smiling before she spoke.

"Can I tell you that every single patient of mine has said that? You are definitely not the only person to experience this. You're absolutely right, we all begin this process as seeing an issue and getting it resolved. So it's completely normal to wake up on the other side of this massive surgery and then ponder what the heck comes next. Cancer, tumors, all this very fun stuff takes away your identity, your life that you once knew, it just rips it all away and leaves you with fear, an unknown, a whole lot of questions about everything. It's perhaps the worst part about this whole thing. We can treat the cancer and tumor and fix that, but it's the intangible stuff that we cannot fully predict and we cannot treat. That part is entirely up to you." Jay nodded, looking down at his lap as he spoke.

"That's not at all comforting," he joked.

"I know. I wish there was some magical word or potion or thing I could give you that would help. But this part medicine can't treat. The adjustment period really does suck. But I can tell you it doesn't last. Have you been talking to Will about it? Hailey?" Jay nodded.

"Here and there, but it's hard to have them try and understand things when I don't fully get it. Plus, I don't want to burden them with it all."

"Jay, I can say with total certainty that they are wanting to help you through this. They have come all this way with you, I don't think there's much that they can't handle at this point. Keep talking, keep getting out there and trying things. You'll find your way."

"We did go to the grocery store a couple days ago." Amelia's face lit up at that.

"That is great! I think that's perfect. Keep doing those little kind of things, as your body will allow. I still want you resting and taking it easy. But if you feel up for getting out of the house, totally go for it. I will sign off on that all day." Jay smirked, sitting up straighter as Amelia moved things along.

"Okay, enough small talk. Let's go get some scans done."

"Is this going to include an IV," Jay nervously yet kind of jokingly asked. Amelia sighed as she stood from her seat.

"Yes, you big baby," she teased. Jay groaned, slowly getting up and following behind her as she opened the door.

"I will do your IV. Trust me I'm really good at it and you won't feel a thing." Jay rolled his eyes, allowing her to guide him through many hallways and doors before getting on an elevator and going down one floor to radiology. She waved at the receptionist, bypassing checking Jay in. It appeared everyone knew who he was and where he was going, no one stopping either of them from getting to where they needed to be.

"You don't have any metal on you, right," she asked? Jay shook his head, allowing her to open the MRI room door and usher him into his spot. Jay stood still in uneasiness for a couple seconds. The room was huge, which it needed to be since the MRI machine was a massive tube that looked like it was barely going to fit him. The room was darker than a normal room, it was warmer in there and people were sitting in another room watching and waiting for him to get into place. He felt to be in a theater, the main show for the day and he knew nothing of what he was supposed to do.

"Hop up on here," she encouraged, patting the giant tray that Jay would lay on. Rather slowly he walked towards the flat surface, taking things a breath at a time as he got there, turned around, and sat down. He just had to lay there and be still, that was his whole role, Jay thought to himself. So why he was so nervous was troubling him right now. He was glad the last time he got one of these things he was totally out of it, and the other time he was too plastered on seizure meds to think much of things.

"Wait, what about the staples and screws in there," Jay quickly asked as he laid down on the tray.

"They're not metal so you will be just fine," Amelia informed, running the blanket up to Jay's arms before pulling his shoes off one at a time.

"Sorry, I forgot to tell you to take those off." Jay nodded, feeling her untie things before his feet stretched out in the free air.

"And now comes the fun part," she said, getting the rubber band around Jay's arm as she started the IV process.

"Oh great," Jay spoke through closed eyes and gritted teeth. Amelia was very correct in saying she would be quick. Jay barely felt the needle pierce his skin and before he could process the thing being in there, the port was getting taped into place.

"See?! Nothing to be afraid of." Jay watched as the IV line for the contrast was run into the port, still observing things as the line was flushed and everything secured. From there the big gate looking thing was closed on top of his head, sending nothing but panic and fear all over.

"Don't move. It'll be done before you know it," was her final message to Jay as the tray began to slide into the machine. Now he was feel rather claustrophobic, not sure how he was going to endure the full hour in this thing. He was scared, he was not feeling well, he was hating this entire thing.

"You're fine, you're fine," he mumbled to himself as the MRI room door closed behind Amelia. He opened his eyes for a split second once the tray came to a stop in it's place, the MRI stirring to life not much longer after that. As the machine began to click repetitively, Jay was starting to feel beyond the point of nerves and panic and was now full on nauseous.

"Hold still, Jay. We're just getting things warmed up. We'll walk you through the breathing stuff when we get there," Amelia spoke over the intercom that was in the machine. Jay was too busy trying to not vomit all over himself to hear her, let alone respond. He was feeling more and more terrible by the click that suddenly the urge to get out of there was becoming the overpowering desire in him. Something was becoming more and more wrong and everything in him was telling him to run. But he couldn't, he was very much stuck in this tube that had completely swallowed him whole. But then, just before it all went to shit, a headache on a scale that hadn't been reached since before surgery shot out of nowhere and flooded his whole system. He grunted in the instant pain, tried to speak up and alert the people in the room close by that things were really bad in there. But before he could open his mouth to speak, the world became a black free fall. In the blink of an eye, Jay was falling back into that dark, eternal, quiet unconscious world once again. A trip he had zero intention of taking ever again, but had no choice in the matter. He was gone.

"Is the machine messing up," Amelia asked, watching the images on the screen go between fuzzy and loading to blank, furrowing her brow as she impatiently waited for the tech to figure out what was going on.

"No, the connection is fine," the tech spoke up, clearing out of everything in an effort to reboot. Amelia looked out into the MRI room, Jay was fully in the machine so there was no ability to see him and verify he was alright. She reached for the overcome microphone, clutching it in her hand before she cleared the airway to get to Jay.

"Hey Jay, are you doing alright in there?" She waited the usual couple seconds, getting nothing. Now she was officially worried.

"Jay? Can you hear me?" When he didn't reply the second time, the hairs on the back of her neck began to stand. Without alerting anyone else she shot up in her seat, headed for the exit in great haste. She made it to the MRI door in five quick, almost running steps. She heard the door bang against the door stopper on the other side, standing in complete stillness and shock.

"Jay," was all she got out before she saw the horror, the reason things weren't clear and why he wasn't responding. Jay was full on convulsing, shaking, a couple times his head smacking the cage contraption that was trapping him in place. The puke was there but a second before the adrenaline kicked in.

"I need some help," Amelia cried out, foregoing the button that slowly pulled Jay out of the machine and instead yanking the tray as hard and as fast as she could. The very last thing his still healing brain and skull needed was him banging his head on a hard surface, so before anything else she had to free his head and get him turned onto his side. The MRI door banged open a second time by the time she got Jay out of the tube, frantically working on freeing his head as people raced in to help.

"Undo the contrast line and get Ativan going now," she spoke as calmly as she could, but instead it was coming out in choked fear. When she finally got Jay's head free, she had to physically make herself not break down in tears or completely freak out. His eyes were successfully rolled out of place, only the whites of them being visible when people peered into them. Amelia, with assistance, was able to get Jay on his side, tapping her foot as she held his head still as best as she could. He was jolting, jerking his head up and down as the seizure waged on in his body.

"Where is the Ativan," she asked when the seizure continued on with no sign of ceasing.

"It's already put in." Amelia kicked her head back, praying for this thing to stop. The drugs were supposed to stop this, should've already done their thing. But when things didn't improve twenty seconds later she knew they had to start taking other measures.

"How long was he like this," someone asked?

"I don't know. I'd say at least a minute or so before we got in here. And yes, I know what that means." She looked up to concerned, fearful eyes and faces looking back at her. They all knew what this meant, and how unwell Jay was very quickly becoming.

"We need to keep oxygen in him. Get a bag and started pumping. Every three seconds," she instructed, stepping aside as the oxygen mask was brought to Jay's face.

"Get the Valtoco. Do it quick," she said, watching as someone ran to the drawer in the corner, pulling the nasal spray out and switched out the oxygen mask for the spray, administering two sprays in each nostril before stepping away. The group waited a few seconds. Jay was now at four minutes since the seizure began, still convulsing just as bad as when he was discovered.

"Valium, put it under his tongue."

"But he might throw it up."

"He's not showed any signs of that yet. Do it. Now. We need this to stop before we get into dangerous territory." What no one spoke but all were thinking was that Jay was already there. Anything past five minutes he was looking at long term brain damage, deficits, nothing great. Amelia, silently prayed for it all to end as the oral meds were placed under Jay's tongue, all holding their breath as they willed things to end. Mercifully they did. Right on the five minute marker Jay went totally still, body relaxing and going to limp as his brain finally found a way to calm down. His eyes were in the first movement of life, rolling under the lids as Amelia called his name.

"Jay? Can you hear me?" But he was never able to answer, probably because he couldn't hear, but mostly because not two seconds later things started up once again.

"Dose him with the Ativan again," Amelia said as all were quick to turn Jay back onto his side, hold him in place and hope he didn't endure another massive seizure. He could not handle another one, none of this was good at this point of his recovery, or ever. Luckily this one ended with the increase in the Ativan and more of the Valtoco, the second one lasting only two minutes this time. But then it happened again, and again, and for the next half hour it was a back and forth battle with the seizures and figuring out what cocktail of meds would finally make it stop. On the fourth seizure Jay did finally start to vomit, nothing more than bile and foamed spit, but further sinking Jay into danger. It got to a point that whenever Jay's eyes began to twitch, that was the cue to dose him and turn him to anticipate what was coming next. The final seizure was conquered when Klonopin was injected into his IV, the powerful drug bringing things to a halt within seconds.

"And now we wait," Amelia nervously announced, beginning the countdown in her mind as all stood perfectly still in place, ready for the eye cue but begging for it to never come back. All were too afraid to move for fear that that would be what set things off. Five minutes, ten, twenty minutes went by before it was tentatively announced that the episode was over. Jay was still very much unconscious, but at least this seizure episode had come to a close. Now the questions were to come, the whole new dilemma and dimension of his recovery sure to drastically change everything. This wasn't supposed to be happening. They got the tumor out, he was getting treatment for what was left, this whole seizure episode thing was supposed to only happen pre-operation. None of it made sense, which made Amelia's next steps that much more dreadful. Will and Hailey popped into her mind, realizing that they had not a clue this had just happened. As she stepped away, allowing the staff to switch Jay out from street clothes to hospital wear (because it didn't need to be relayed that Jay was about to be admitted for the night, at the very least) she couldn't get them out of her mind. Jay was completely normal when they last saw him. Hell, he was just fine seconds before she left him in that machine. How things could snap sideways so quickly, so terrifying and scary without warning or issue, was perhaps the scariest part of her job. She could deal with the tumors, could fix something that she could predict and handle. It was these random, fluke, yet potentially life changing setbacks that came out of nowhere that kept her up at night.

"Get him in a room and start him on the stage one protocol for seizure management," she quietly spoke as Jay was transferred from the tray to the gurney. She flinched at his lifeless body jostling between flat surfaces, not twitching a muscle as more blankets were thrown over him and his trip to another wing of the hospital began. Amelia didn't move till it was just her in that MRI room, finally breaking down when she saw the shoes that she'd tossed in the corner not that long ago. He was her responsibility, they all were trusting her to get him through this, and in a blink all of that was gone. Jay was clearly not well, appeared to be a ticking time bomb right now. She failed him, plain and simple.

She gathered the shoes, the clothing, ignoring the syringes and other medical things that had been left behind. Someone else would clean that up, she had no intention of replaying the event in her mind as she tidied up. Knowing Jay, and Will and Hailey, by now, she figured he'd want to keep his personal belongings with him. Searching for a drawstring bag in the adjacent waiting room she tossed everything in, zipped it shut before taking a breath. She did not want to have to deliver this news to them, knew full well what was going to come next. There was nothing worse than having to tell loved ones that the worst may not be behind their person. That despite enduring traumatic, massive brain surgery things were still not okay. There was nothing worse than sucking all hope out of someone. Jay would learn of his fate in due time, that was a whole other terrible speech she'd give later. But as she arrived back in the neuro area and walked past the room that she and Jay were just in, she landed his bag on the table before turning for the door. Brushing hair out of her face and making sure there weren't any lingering tears on her face or in her system, she took a breath and opened the office door.

"Amelia," Will quizzically spoke up, putting his magazine down before tapping Hailey's arm.

"What," she asked, removing an AirPod before looking up to figure things out. They both slowly rose from their seats, looking to each other before facing Amelia. She did her best to smirk, waving a hand for them to come her way.

"Let's go. We need to talk."

At least they made it to the office before bombarding Amelia with the questions, concerns, quiet emotions. From the short walk to the office, both of them were rather somber and quiet. Hailey was filled with immense guilt. Guilt for being bored, borderline annoyed at things. She knew this appointment was going to take awhile, but as her magazine stack was growing smaller and smaller and Jay was not returning, she was running out of things to do and therefore, annoyed that she was having to sit there for all this time. She would've loved to have been moved else where as Jay moved to different places, just to keep the scenery different and be relatively close to him. She was getting to the point of asking Will if they could move, break some little rule and just figure out where Jay was. But now, as she quietly walked past the nurses and doctors and all the rooms, she was feeling like a complete jerk for thinking any of that. How dare she be annoyed or over waiting while something horrible was happening to Jay. She was over it while he was fighting for all of it. She didn't know what had happened but since Amelia came looking for them instead of sending Jay, whatever it was was dire. She was really fighting the tears now.

Will's mind meanwhile was filling with the absolute worst case scenarios. A stroke, a horrible revelation on the scan that required emergency surgery, some kind of aneurysm that was also in need of emergency medical assistance. Whatever it was, it was not good. Doctors do not come out to a waiting room ever, and certainly not without the patient. Knowing Amelia she would've come to greet the two of them out of knowing them so well and wanting to touch base. But it was the lack of Jay with her and the look of being scared shitless that seemed to doom them all. Doctors do not come out to tell news that is so wonderful it cannot wait to be shared. That's usually left up to the patient to do that which, once again, was missing from this whole scenario. Where was Jay, what had happened, how serious was all of this was dancing in his mind as Amelia opened the exam room door, insisting that the two of them take a seat before she closed the door. Hailey immediately spotted the drawstring bag, going right to it and opening it up. She didn't care if it was Jay's stuff or not. The detective in her was kicking in. Here was a first clue and she was going to take it.

"It's his clothes," she quietly announced, pulling out the shirt before the pants, noting that his shoes and socks and all other articles of clothing were in there. Based on her findings, Jay was lost and naked somewhere in this hospital. None of this was sending out good vibes to the two of them.

"Where is he," Hailey asked with tears brimming her eyes. Amelia took a seat in the chair that she was just in less than an hour ago. She turned to face Will and Hailey, wanting to find the humor in the two of them sitting side by side on the table with the crunchy paper. Had they not been in here to be told awful news, she'd have chuckled at the very least. Instead, she crossed her legs and clasped her hands together before Will chimed in.

"If he's dead please just get that done and over with," Will eventually came out with. Hailey's jaw dropped as she allowed the tears to start falling. She could not believe Will went that far the first question out. Shocked was the most understated emotion of the room.

"No, he is not dead," Amelia was quick to announce. She watched the two sitting across from her relaxed but a smidge at that. She had to settle their worry at least that much. Jay was in serious trouble, but he was alive.

"Jay suffered multiple seizures in the MRI machine almost an hour ago."

"Shit," Hailey sighed. Will just nodded, looking Amelia right in the eye and not batting a lash as he waited for more information.

"It's called status epilepticus. It's a single tonic-clonic seizure for an extended period of time or multiple ones on repeat for several minutes. He experienced both. A tonic-clonic seizure is when a patient falls unconscious and then is shaking, convulsing, or jerking their body around. It's exactly what happened that night of his first seizure episode."

"Except this time it was more," Will cut in. Amelia nodded, clearing her throat before moving on.

"Yes, based on what was described to me about that first episode and seeing and treating him today, it does appear that it was much worse than that first time."

"But, that was all because of the tumor. So why is this happening now," Hailey asked? And there was the question of the whole case. She was very much correct. If the tumor was to blame for the seizure episodes, then why was he still having them when they removed the root cause of it all.

"I don't know. I wish I knew, but I have every intention of finding out."

"Is he intubated, alert?"

"He is not intubated. He is on a cannula since he was having some difficulty breathing. He will be on that till his numbers are okay and he hasn't had a seizure for several hours. But no, he is unconscious at this time. He should be in a room by now. Not the ICU, but on a step down neurological floor. I know that may seem like overkill but given where he is in recovery and that he's still technically my patient, I want to keep a close eye on him." Will and Hailey nodded, looking to each other for answers, guidance, just getting stunned reactions back. They could not believe they were doing this all over again. Just when they thought this whole hospital stint was behind them, this nightmare had other, more devious plans.

"I'm very confident you two would've expressed things to me if he did have any, but how has he been at home? Any seizures or anything out of the ordinary?" Will looked to Hailey who shrugged her shoulders, eventually shaking her head as she looked back at Amelia.

"No. He's been tired and groggy but no seizure or anything major."

"Well," Will spoke up.

"He did have the sound scare." Amelia sat up in her seat a little, looking right at Will as she spoke.

"What sound scare?" Will locked in with Hailey, nodding for her to elaborate.

"I don't think that was anything bad. He was just nervous," she spoke up.

"Hailey, at this point anything is a hint. What happened exactly." Hailey sighed, scrolling back through the memories in her mind as she did her best to retell things.

"We went to the grocery store a couple days ago. It was his first time out of the house so we were about to walk into the store and he got super worried about the sound. I got him earplugs and he walked through just fine. No issue at all."

"Has he ever been daydreaming?"

"What," Hailey shot back?

"Have you ever caught him staring at something? Or called his name and he takes a little bit to respond?"

"Yeah?! But I thought that was normal. We all daydream ever now and then," Hailey replied. Will meanwhile was cupping his head in figuring things out. Of course, how could he be so stupid and naive in not seeing it.

"How often is that happening?"

"It took a couple days at home, but I'd say at least once a day," Will spoke up. Amelia nodded, sighing before she spoke.

"And usually it takes touching him or watching him twitch or jolt before he comes back?" Hailey slowly nodded once more, still lost on why daydreaming was such a bad thing now.

"Okay, so those are called absence seizures. They look just like daydreaming but it's actually another form of seizures. Those are harmless but are a sign of a seizure disorder, coupled with what happened today…it looks like that might be the case."

"Is it permanent," Hailey was quick to ask?

"It can be. You can develop these kind of disorders and have them for the rest of your life, or until the brain heals. I don't want to jump to any kind of conclusion right now. I would like to run a couple tests. One would be another EEG tonight and then tomorrow, if he does well tonight, I'd like to try the MRI again except this time sedate him and use earplugs." Will could only nod, was still stunned that he didn't see any of this. They all were in blissful ignorance to believe that Jay would come out of this thing completely unscathed. That he'd have surgery and a few months of recovery but be good as new on the other side. They appeared to be very wrong on that front. Amelia's phone buzzed in her pocket then, quickly grabbing it and reading the test out loud.

"Jay is up in his room and settled. Let's go see him." She didn't bother asking if they wanted to see him, they all knew that answer. Hailey was on her feet first, gathering Jay's bag of belongings in her hands as she waited for Amelia and Will to get up and head for the door. They single file walked through the back hallways of the offie before getting to the elevator to the main part of the hospital. Amelia waited till all were on to select the seventh floor, sighing quietly to herself as the elevator car rose to a floor she knew all too well. She couldn't help but think how Jay was standing under his own power in this very car not that long ago. Oh how quickly life changed. When the elevator stopped and the doors opened, Will and Hailey both swallowed their pure fear and horror before taking that step off the elevator and onto the floor of their new reality. Room after room, door after door, they held their breath and sighed as they failed to find Jay's name. However, it was room 723, in the far left corner of the floor, that things really took on a whole new layer of realness.

"Here we are," Amelia whispered, clutching the door handle and exhaling before she slid things open, revealing a version of Jay none of them every wanted to see again.

"Dammit Jay," Will mumbled as he lost all energy and ability to walk, just standing rather still and hopeless as he looked on. Hailey meanwhile had dropped the bag to the floor, cupping her mouth as the hot tears formed and fell down her face. With the exception of no breathing tube and dressings wrapped around his head, Jay looked to be every bit back at square one. He was motionless, lifeless, gone from this world once more. He was breathing on his own, but that was where the alive stage of things ended. He was under many blankets, had the tube under his nose, and several lines and two IV lines coming out from under his covering. He was back in a hospital gown, looking every bit like an ill patient instead of the totally fine and happy and well human he was when the two of them last saw him. How in the world they got back here was beyond any of them. Furthermore why weren't there signs of this happening. Or, perhaps there were and they just didn't see them, choose to not be overly studious of Jay. In many ways they were back to square one. This was the true monster. This was it's endgame. Sure, you could cut it out and blast the remaining cancer with treatment, but what it would rob Jay of was something you couldn't remove no matter how hard you tried. Amelia, Jay, Hailey, and Will may have won the first round, but this war was far from over. In fact, it appeared they were at checkmate. The tumor had won. It always would somehow, someway. As they all watched Jay lay there heavily medicated and not with them right now, all they could hear was evil, deep, guttural laughter and see the widest Cheshire grin of a tumor winning.