Chapter 15- And Now What
"It's okay, you guys can go in," Amelia finally spoke up, once the shock and adrenaline and horror subsided but a little. While Will and Hailey were standing awestruck in the doorway, Amelia had managed to slip past them, walking to meet a still very unconscious Jay and begin the observation of things. He was still out, but his stats were promising. They wouldn't know much till they did more tests and the overnight EEG, but so far Jay was stable, in good ranges, and resting; all good, promising signs of good health. Perhaps this latest seizure episode wasn't going to be as bad as it all seemed. Granted, Jay right at this moment was still looking at the possibility of a long term seizure disorder, and not to mention he hadn't woken up yet, but so far the woods weren't looking at dark and dismal as they seemed in the MRI room. Once Amelia was finished she turned to look back at Will and Hailey, who were still ghostly white, numb, and shellshocked to say the least.
"Come on guys. I know it's scary and bad, but he is doing well. It's still him." That final trinket of information appeared to be the green light that got them moving. Will gently put his hand behind Hailey's back, taking her arm and guiding her to one of the seats next to Jay before moving himself around to the other side of the bed and taking his place. Just like old times, the two of them would say to themselves. This was certainly not an old time they wanted to repeat and especially not this soon. Hailey's vision was glued on Jay, watching his every breath out of his nose, listening to the sounds of a very passed out Jay resting in a very unconscious way. She wanted so many times to reach over and hold his hand, touch him, just get that tactile sensation of this newfound reality. Each time she'd get as far as moving her hand before thinking otherwise. In the moment she was under the impression that Jay was back to the same status that he was in immediately after surgery, that touch was too much simulation for his brain. That it had been through just as much trauma and injury as it had been after the multi-hour surgery. Amelia caught the mental second guessing a couple times as she was documenting things in Jay's chart, smirking but a little before speaking up.
"You can touch him. He won't bite," she quietly teased, smirking at Hailey as the two of them locked eyes for a second. Amelia very quietly chuckled to herself as she watched Hailey immediately dive under the blankets and squeeze his hand, watching Hailey's body instantaneously melt into slight relaxation. She was still worried and terrified about what would happen today, but there was great strength and comfort in being able to see and touch someone you deeply loved. They were in trouble, but were both there in this thing. Will meanwhile was busy looking up at the monitors above and around Jay, eyes peering into things and truly trying to take in and diagnose it all. This was why you don't treat family. You either live in the eternal of delusion that all was well, or you only saw the bad and how the worst case scenario was the only option. Will seemed to be choosing the first option.
"His oxygen looks good and his heart rate is great for after a seizure episode. Maybe he's not as bad as we all think," Will quietly piped up. Amelia briefly sighed, putting the iPad down a moment so she could respond.
"He does, his vitals are looking good. But Will, we both know that's not what matters with seizure episodes or disorders. We won't know more till we run stuff later on." "When is he gunna wake up," Hailey chimed in. She didn't care what his numbers were, that meant absolutely noting to her. All she cared about was him waking up. Well, she also cared about everything else, but Jay waking up was the biggest factor right now.
"It's hard to say, he's been through a lot. His brain shook and seized for quite sometime. But Will is correct, his stats look good so I'm thinking in a couple hours. After anyone goes through this they're incredibly exhausted. So, it's going to take some time."
"How's he gunna be when he wakes up?" Amelia shrugged, looked over at an IV pump that was starting to blink. She was in the process of walking over and switching things out as she spoke.
"Well, he will definitely be tired. Again, his whole brain went through something traumatic so, his entire system that governs everything is going to be tired, which will translate to everything else. So he might fall asleep easily, he'll need some help getting around for about a day or so, but he'll come around in a few days." Hailey nodded, looking away from a busy Amelia and back to Jay. She needed him awake, now. She needed to see him alive and moving and some level of functioning, now. But then she thought about all that was going to come after that, the questions and lack of answers they would have for him. She wasn't quite ready for that. To be totally honest, she wasn't ready for all of this, almost praying for the cancer to be the dominating factor in all of this. Cancer they could treat. A long term epilepsy disorder was something they could manage at best. How they got here, and how they didn't see any of this coming, was beyond her understanding right now.
"What do we tell him," Hailey asked after a few minutes, looking first to Will before swaying over to Amelia. They all had to agree, that was the biggest hurdle in the early stages of this whole thing. It took Jay no time at all to understand that he had a brain tumor, because he saw it as an issue that was getting fixed. But this whole new element really changed it all. Potentially, he was looking at having this the rest of his days, having to always think about his surroundings and how he felt for the rest of time. This was not a simple letting go control before gaining it all back kind of thing, this was drastically changing the way he did life from here on out. It appeared what little amount of hope he thought he had before all of this was a simple, yet massive facade. He had no control over this now, was going to fully have to rely on other people and other things he despised before getting normalcy back. Normalcy, that was a goal now, not a minimum requirement.
"The truth," Amelia spoke up when Will couldn't find the words, or bring himself to speak the truth.
"You have to tell him what happened and be very honest in what that means for him now. If you want, I can talk to him when he gets up."
"No, I'll do it," Will finally spoke.
"We both will. I think it'll…soften things if it's coming from us," Hailey chimed in.
"Very well. I can always come in after and explain the stuff we need to do tonight." Will and Hailey nodded, looking down at their laps, Jay, anything besides looking back at Amelia. Like she was the grim reaper of Jay's old life, they couldn't bring themselves to look at the bearer of Jay's bad news. She got it, wished that wasn't the case this time around. Just once, she'd like to tell them something good, some rare good thing that was going to come out of all of this. But that moment didn't look to be on the horizon right now.
"I will say this: even if he does end up having a long term disorder, he can still live a very normal life. There are so many people out in the world making an impact, doing what they love while living with some kind of epileptic disorder. This is not the end."
"But what about his life," Hailey spoke up.
"That would be something to speak with his boss about. I can't speak for policing, but he can lead a very normal life."
"But just not the life he knows."
"Guys, that life died the day his very first headache arrived. You can't go back. That life, that way of doing life is over. All you can do is look forward and see the new good and bad and figure out where you fit in the middle of it all. Jay is not the same person he used to be and he will never go back to being that person. He needs to accept that and you do as well. We all do." That one seemed to be the kicker line, the gut punch of reality to both Hailey and Will. Neither one of them spoke after that, didn't even look at her still after that final line. Promising to be back Amelia walked out of the room, hoping and praying that this was rock bottom in Jay's little misadventure. It was a very, very quiet and somber few hours in Jay's room. Jay slept away in his dark world peacefully while his onlookers lived in the dismal reality of the real world.
…
This wasn't the first time he woke up, but it was the first time he remembers attempting to wake up. Throughout the afternoon he would slowly come back in pieces. When some medical person came in to check on him, he'd resurface in his mind as they touched him. The rare occasions where Will and Hailey did speak he would flirt with stirring then. A hand twitch here, and foot movement there, it was a very minute thing, but in those quick stirs he would hear things or feels things, but the lack of energy was so obvious that that would be all he had before falling back into the darkness. However, this time around he could finally think, assess himself and try to figure out what happened. His very first thought was that he had died, because the last time he recalls being awake and alive things were okay, for the most part. He recalls talking to people, walking, speaking, doing all kinds of things, but now it seemed that none of that was possible. Furthermore, everything was dark. He could not see, he couldn't move, the only thing he knew he could do was breathe for himself. So right there he took comfort. Because above all else he was thinking and breathing, which weren't two characteristics of living people. So he knew that he was alive, despite being somewhere very dark and really unable to move, which didn't really lift his spirits much. That was when the panic began to build inside him.
"Will," Hailey quietly spoke up, her voice cracked under the lack of using it. Since Amelia's final comment to them, both of them had a very quiet four, five hours it felt like. Aside from greeting the passing nurse or doctor or Amelia, they did not talk. Both were too absorbed in what Amelia had said, and just the event as a whole, for them to even begin to talk to each other. It appeared their coping mechanism was to hole up inside themselves and just think of a way out, or rationalizing into a mindset where things weren't as bad as they seemed. Sure, Jay had just had a seizure episode today, the worst one to date. But he was going to be fine. He'd get over this thing and get a change in medication and in the long run be fine. But it was so much more than that. It was something none of them could even begin to understand right now. That would come with time and learning and acceptance. But that hinged on all of them being patient and allowing things to unfold in their own time. So when Hailey spoke up and in Will's direction, he was so wrapped up in himself that he did not hear her. Only when Hailey stood up and took a seat by Jay's side did he finally connect back with reality and figure out what was going on.
"Jay," he calmly called out, now getting up and standing at Jay's side. Jay was breathing deeper, faster, more alert than he had since they got in here. His head was slowly moving around, his eyes dancing under the lids like they were trying to break free.
"Hey Jay," Hailey quietly called out, trying to be that voice, that force of real life that Jay finally grabbed hold of and used to pull himself free. But it didn't work. In fact, hearing a voice and sensing bodies all around him only made the breathing harder and faster and sent Jay more into a panic.
"What do we do," Hailey asked as Jay's heart rate began to spike. That was when Will rewound his mind all the way back to that night before the world imploded, the last night of their utterly blissful false sense of life. Just as Jay did the time he woke up, he was having a panic attack now. The difference was that he wasn't flinging himself all around the bed, but the classic symptoms lined up. Will placed a hand on Jay's chest, reminding him over and over again that all was well.
"Jay, it's Will. I'm right here. Hailey is right here. You are safe," Will spoke at his brother in the loudest voice he had in quite awhile. But in Jay's mind all he could come up with was that he was waking up from some other brain surgery. A massive, life setback type of surgery that would explain why he left the way he did and couldn't open his eyes. The anesthesia was strong with this one, the pain wasn't there so it must have meant that he was on serious pain meds. The tube under his nose proved that he wasn't intubated, which was the only good to come out of this whole episode. But he didn't sign up for surgery, he didn't give his consent to that, to any of this. How dare they try and successfully cut him open without his knowledge or consent. Screw if it saved his life, he did not say yes and never would again. If it was the tumor regrowing in his brain, then that would be the thing that killed him. We all have to have a story that sends us out of the world, that was going to be his. He just went through a brain surgery and had zero intention of doing it again any time soon, let alone a month after the first one. He was so scared, so angry, so properly pissed at all of them. He was glad that Will and Hailey were here because they were about to get an earful.
"I…can't…open my eyes," slipped out of Jay's mouth, that perking up and surprising Will and Hailey wholeheartedly. Jay went from passed out to panic attack to still being panicky yet speaking. This was a very classic Jay Halstead thing to do. Hailey leaned into Jay's ear, kissing his lobe before whispering.
"Just rest, we'll be here when you wake up." Jay did finally calm down, but he was not falling asleep again till he had answers. There was no chance in hell he was passing out and allowing people to do more things to him. He nudged his hand against hers, relaxed his breathing, and truly put all concentration and energy into opening his eyes. After several failed attempts and plenty of eyelid fluttering, two very bleary and exhausted blue/green eyeballs were staring at his adoring and relieved crowd hovering over him.
"Hey there," Will spoke first, standing a little straighter as he looked over at the monitors. Jay was still doing well, stats looking a little better now that he was awake. Hailey meanwhile smiled wide at him, placing a hand on his arm and watching him look around the room. The smile diminished a little as she could see the wheels churning in his mind. He was trying to figure it out, or had figured a lot out and was rather upset to be where he was. She was afraid Jay would be way too angry to listen to anything they said. She understood why he'd feel that way, would probably be in that same vein of things if she went through all Jay did and woke up to this. She just prayed he found somewhere in himself to listen and try to understand things. This wasn't going to be a one and done conversation, because Jay's new situation wasn't that way anymore. Only when he looked up at her did she perk up, briefly we must add.
"Nope, that has to stay on," Will noted as Jay began tugging on the oxygen line under his nose. Jay shook his head, albeit slowly and clumsily, but kept yanking as Will did his best to pull Jay's hand away.
"I want to go home," Jay lazily and slowly spoke, like a drunk man waking from his stupor.
"No, you're not going home right now," Will spoke once more, a bit more stern than Hailey would like. For goodness sake, Jay was stirring after a long stint with unconsciousness and a major seizure episode. They needed to go easy.
"Fuck yes I am," Jay spoke once more, this time smacking Will's hand before it was grabbed away from him. After a quick stare down with Will, Jay did the unthinkable and managed to sit himself up in bed. Now he could see himself and his world a little more, noting the hospital gown, blankets, twitching the socked feet against the blankets before shaking his head some more.
"Where are my clothes," he asked while looking around. Tears were beginning to well up in Hailey's eyes. All grip that she had on him left, folding her arms into herself as she watched a very sad version of Jay.
"Jay, you are not going home. You have to stay here tonight." Jay shook his head once more, now trying to pull the blankets off of him.
"You can't make me stay here. I'm going home right now. Hailey, get my clothes," he spoke back, yanking on his hospital gown and unable to free himself. Hailey meanwhile shook her head, now letting the tears fall and not even bothering to wipe them away. She couldn't believe they were here doing all of this.
"Jay, you aren't well enough to leave. You have to stay on the oxygen and medication you're on right now before you are cleared to leave."
"I'll sign myself out. I'm going home, now," Jay spoke more clearly that time, now beginning to mess with the tape that was securing his IV in place. Will had no other choice but to intervene, rather hard. He grabbed Jay's hands away from the tape just as he was on the verge of pulling the IV free. He death stare glared at his brother, not budging till he looked him right in the eye.
"Jay. You are not going home. You had a seizure episode in the MRI. You are not leaving till we find out why." Then there was a pause, a solid one minute pause where no one moved, no one breathed too deep, it felt like no one blinked. It was the moment where newfound truth met Jay's path, where he was told of his new life tale and he had to accept it without hesitation. Then something rather eerie happened: Jay laughed. Not a sarcastic or hilarious laugh, but almost evil and sinister. It was such a rare reaction for him to take that it made Hailey's skin crawl, she shook away the goosebumps as Jay relaxed under Will's tight grip.
"That's a good one, Will. Why don't you try better next time." Will didn't bend in the least, almost shaking his brother's arms before gritting his teeth.
"Jay, you likely have a seizure disorder. You could have it for the rest of your life." Jay rolled his eyes, shaking his head as he looked over at Hailey.
"That's the best you two could come up with?" Hailey kept her eyes glued to her lap, mumbled over words before finally letting something fall out.
"It's true, Jay."
"Jay, do you understand the seriousness of this? You could've died today."
"Yeah…but you're forgetting the whole part where that it was all related to the tumor and that when that left, everything would go back to normal."
"Oh, but that's where you're wrong," Will replied in a rather snarky manner.
"You did have a seizure. They didn't even get to do the MRI because you have the episode right before. Remember all the times you've been 'day dreaming?!' Those were seizures too." Hailey sniffed, being the only sound in the room now. The once overly giddy Jay was now a little on the subdued side. Blame it on the numerous drugs he was on or that the weight of things was just beginning to sink in, but he was very much relaxed now, slinking back on the pillows.
"I'm letting you go and I swear, if you take out that IV I will put the restraints on myself." Will very, very slowly unclamped from Jay, one hand at a time and slowly stepped off. Once Jay was independent in the bed did he speak up.
"Sooo….who the fuck messed up? Who didn't see this coming? What happened to getting the tumor out and then recovering and moving on with life? So now you're saying that I'm going to be trapped in that apartment forever? Bed ridden and on medication for the rest of my days? Why didn't I just let this tumor finish what it started and end me?"
"Jay," Hailey shot out, completely shocked that Jay even had the nerve to say such a thing. Never in her life would she ever conceive Jay Halstead as a quitter, or a person for the quick way out. None of this was making sense.
"No no no. I was able to get behind the quick fix, long recovery, and then getting back to life. I did not sign up for being stuck somewhere, inside for the rest of my days. No one said anything about being deformed forever. No one ever said I'd be messed up forever."
"Jay, no one is saying that," Hailey cut in.
"Yeah well no one is correcting me either," he hissed back. Hailey literally had to sit herself further back in the bed she was so struck.
"Jay, we don't have answers right now. But Amelia wants to run some test to get them. She wants to do another EEG tonight and then tomorrow finish the MRI."
"Oh, so you can just tell me that for the rest of my days I'll be on medication? Have to quit my job and just find a new passion or hobby? Oh, I can't wait for that."
"Jay, I don't know what's going to happen. But whatever it is we'll be right here with you. You aren't alone in this."
"You have no idea what I'm going through, what I've been through. Will. You get to leave your house everyday. You get to go to work, drive yourself wherever you want, you aren't living by sleep schedules and medication! I don't need a sidekick in all of this. I want out of this, okay?! I quit. I'm out. I'm done with this. I didn't ask for any of this!" Hailey couldn't sit there anymore, she couldn't watch and listen to this unfold a second longer. She could barely breathe as she got up from the bed, choking on the deep, labored chunks of breaths between sobbing her soul out. She couldn't be here for the dismantling of Jay Halstead any longer. Perhaps she should've taken his invite to walk out way back when. Right now, she didn't have it in her to watch everything she once knew fall apart. She managed to slam the bathroom door before loudly crying out into nothing. This went so much worse than she ever could've imagined.
"Jay, this is all very real and it is not going away anytime soon. If you want me to leave, then I will."
"Leave, now," Jay numbly spoke, looking away from the bathroom door and glaring at Will.
"This is no longer your problem, Will. You have my blessing to leave." Will was dumbstruck, could not believe where they were right now. A few hours ago they were worried about Jay not ever waking up, now he was being kicked out of the whole equation.
"Jay, I think you just need time alone." And without hesitation Will stepped back, grabbed his belongings, and walked out the door. It appeared all the excitement, yelling, full range of emotions took all energy out of Jay because he fell back to sleep in less then two minutes. In that timespan Hailey had finally stopped crying, collected herself enough to stand away from the wall that was supporting her backside. She washed her hands, splashed water on her face and towel dried off before turning to the bathroom door, ready to face Jay. Never in her life had she'd been scared of him, but this was as close to being scared as she was ever going to feel towards him. Mercy shone upon her in the form of Jay fast asleep in bed. She saw her opportunity to leave. Grabbing her phone, the truck keys, and whatever else she came in here with, she ran quietly out the door. Jay didn't stir and quite frankly she didn't care right then. It appeared they all needed time, distance, quiet in their own space. If this was the new life Amelia talked about, then just like Jay, Hailey wanted nothing to do with this.
…
It wasn't unusual for Jay to be by himself in his room. During his last stint in the hospital there would be the rare time where both observers were gone to grab a drink or take a shower, but always came back within minutes of her arriving in the room and starting the process of things. However, what was different this time around was the complete lack of personal belongings. The prior time Jay was in the hospital, Will and Hailey's bags or books or even cell phones were left behind. No one takes everything with them when they're leaving for a few minutes. So that was the very first thing Amelia noticed today when she entered the room. The only personal item in the room was Jay's bag and it was practically tossed into a corner, contents starting to spill out. Amelia went to correct that mistake, quietly bending down and gathering the cell phone that was on the floor, tucking it into the bag before pulling the drawstring closed and walking towards the bed. She gently placed the bag on the tray underneath the bed, where patients' things were typically stored when they were alone. From there she walked into the bathroom, wondering if perhaps someone was in there freshening up. As she turned the light on and observed, once again no one and no single personal thing was there. The whole room was quite still, silent, lacking any kind of life or hope in it. She noted the watermarks in the sink, a sign that at some point someone was here. Jay was probably not strong enough to a point where he could make it to the bathroom on his own, so assistance for the all alone man would've been noted in a chart or told to her, but she never got any kind of message like that. So whatever happened to Will and Hailey was rather sudden, having happened in the hour since she was last here. Amelia did a quick glance at herself in the bathroom mirror, tucking a hair behind her ear before sighing in acceptance of her appearance. She looked every bit tired and drained and emotionally spent as she felt. Her morning that once started off so well had popped out of existence in the blink of an eye. She had dinner plans with an old friend tonight, the two of them going to catch up over the divine menu of Girl and the Goat, guzzle away a great bottle of wine or two as they reminisced. But instead all of that was put on hold, numerous apologies and promises to make up soon. As she muffled a yawn she couldn't help but kick herself for always putting patients, cases, ahead of her actual life. Of course, that came with the job of being a doctor. But this was on a whole other level. She'd come to realize that there was nothing in her life outside of these walls that she chose over this place. That was one of her New Years resolutions, believe it or not. Thus the dinner with the friend, she truly was trying to put words to action. But before January had even come to a close, she broke that plan. She always did, she figured she always would. She was just like every other fool who tried to put stupid, vain resolutions into their lives. We're all creatures of habit, deep down. We don't like change. We like what we know and what we can predict and control and we certainly don't like when all of that is taken away; or we allow it to be taken away.
"Hey," a quiet Jay Halstead grogged at her just before the mental kicking session careened into another gear. His sudden remark that ended the stillness of the room quite literally made her jump a little. She blushed as she smiled at him, taking a breath before replying.
"Hey you. Welcome back." Jay could only nod, doing a quick glance around the room before sighing, adjusting on the pillows but not doing much more in the movement department. The tension was instantaneous. Just as fast as Jay went from sound asleep to wide awake, it appeared all of the room's tension zeroed in on him. Or perhaps he was the source of it all. Amelia now felt like she was somewhere she shouldn't be, which was odd since this entire floor was under her control. She felt weird, like she walked into the middle of a fight or something, just the more she stood there the more out of place she felt. Which out of her entire experience with Jay, she was very quick to say that she never felt this way with him. But as he just glared out into nothing her hands and legs shook with sudden, quiet anxiety. A cue that signaled that something else was swirling around this room. There was something far greater and terrible going on here. She was going to get to the bottom of it. But first, she had to make sure Jay was fine before she dug into that mind of his.
"How are you feeling?" Jay turned his head up at her, furrowed his brow as he narrowed his eyes.
"What?!"
"How are you feeling," she asked once more, really forcing the upbeat tone now. Jay shrugged, looking down at his lap and twiddling his fingers.
"Like I want to go home."
"You and me both," she calmly replied, which made Jay snap his head back at her. She nodded as she pulled out her stethoscope, helping Jay sit forward as she listened.
"Deep breath," she instructed, which Jay was quick to obey. She asked him several more times and he passed with flying colors. Next she went to the vision test, peering in with the instrument as she asked him to look all over the room, Jay performing as well as he could considering the day. His pupils were a little sluggish, but that was fine. Next came the motor skills tests which he performed perfectly. So far, it appeared the seizures didn't cause any long term damage to those areas of the brain, which didn't do much for her. So the damage was definitely internal, some wiring or neuron issue, which again leaned things in the direction of a long term epileptic disorder.
"Name?"
"Jay Halstead."
"Good, now location?"
"Stuck in Northwestern hospital."
"Good, and month?"
"January." Amelia nodded, putting the lights and instruments away before sitting on the edge of the bed, right at the end of the bed so there was plenty of space between the two of them. She wanted there to be distance, wanted Jay to understand she was worried, wondering what was going on without hinting at anything else. His behavior and the lack of Will and Hailey was troubling her now. This was not like them and this behavior and attitude was definitely not like Jay. She was going to get answers.
"Where are Will and Hailey? I can't imagine they chose to leave you."
"I don't know." Jay crossed his arms, shrinking down into the bed a little. He looked all over the room, the floor, the ceiling, everywhere but her. This was a classic example of a patient giving up, shutting down, isolating themselves from the world and their current medical issue. This was not Jay in the least.
"Did they tell you what happened?"
"That I had another seizure episode and that I'm stuck here? Yeah." Amelia nodded, quietly swallowed before moving on.
"Did they talk about next steps?"
"Just that you want to run more tests. Like that'll do any good," Jay scoffed. Amelia was now quite pissed off at him. Perhaps it was the cancelled plans or that he was being a complete asshole, but Amelia was done with it all. She stood up from her spot on the bed, rolled her eyes rather epically at Jay as she paced up and down one side of the bed, rubbing her lips and forehead with light fingers before spitting it all out.
"This is not the Jay Halstead I met way back at the beginning of this, all those days ago which aren't really all that far apart when you look at it on a calendar. The person I met at Med, the brave and courageous and slightly crazy person that told me to schedule a life alerting operation within minutes of us meeting is not sitting in this room anymore. What the hell is wrong with you?" Now Jay sat up and off the pillows, turning so that his feet were swinging off the edge of the bed. If looks could kill, each one of them had guns pointed at each other's temples.
"No, no no no. If anyone should be upset right now it's me! You failed to tell me that the seizures would last forever. You never once mentioned that I could be looking at life long side effects from this whole tumor. You said you could fix all of this. You were the only person who could pull this whole thing off and yet, here I am stuck in another hospital room being handed another life altering diagnosis. So excuse me for wanting everyone to leave me alone. I'm done with this!"
"I never promised you that I would keep you from having side effects. Jay?! A little reminder that you have a deadly killer of a tumor inside your head. I said that I could take your case and be your best chance at surviving it! Do you understand how lucky you are to even be here? A lot of people don't even make it off that table, let alone being able to live and function the way you are now."
"Yeah, because this is exactly how people want to live. Stuck in a hospital bed on seizure medication."
"Oh, so because you didn't get your one in a million scenario you're just going to give up? So I saved a coward, is that what you're telling me?!"
"I never said I wasn't going to get treatment?!"
"Oh yeah, so that's why Will and Hailey aren't here?! Is that it?! You're just going to figure it all out on your own and be some jackass old guy hoofing it alone with this?! Jay, you have no idea how lucky you are to have them, to be where you are."
"I really wish everyone would stop saying that. Nothing has changed other then I have a nice giant scar on my head. Nothing in my life has improved. Nothing has gotten better, nothing has felt real or healed or moved past this stupid tumor. And in fact, it's gotten worse." Amelia stopped her pacing, glared right at Jay and just let it fall out.
"You flat lined, for like…five minutes."
"What," Jay huffed out?! Forget all the anger or whatever line he had for his response. All air and energy and fury fell out of him at her spilling or those seven words. Amelia was biting back tears, sniffing and throwing her head up at the ceiling so as to keep the tears in her ducts and not dripping down her face. The two of them were silent for a solid two minutes before she found the words and ability to speak on.
"Yes, you flat lined. In surgery. It was literally in the middle of pulling the biggest piece of that tumor out. Everything was going just fine and just as I touched that piece, you crashed. We spent minutes trying to save you and it was the scariest five minutes of my life. All I could think of was them sitting out in that waiting room pulling for you and how destroyed they would be if I were to have things end like that. And I also thought of you, of course. I lead you into all of this, I made you believe you could make it and reach the other side just fine. I didn't want to fail you, and I didn't that day. I was able to save you then. So imagine me today when all of that happened. That despite getting you through surgery I lead you right into this whole nightmare now. I failed you. I failed them. I failed. Plain and simple." Jay hung his head, deep so that his chin was almost resting on his chest. Amelia took a seat in the chair next to the bed and sobbed for quite sometime. Neither one spoke, both just soaking in everything. All the emotions, the fear, and anxiety and relief in finally telling the whole truth. It was Jay to finally break the silence.
"So that's why I don't feel like I'm supposed to be here," he softly spoke, finally having the courage to look over at her. Amelia glanced over at him, eyes blood shot and swollen from all the crying and exhaustion of the day. What other doctor, person treating him would behave like this, verbally slap him back into himself. He couldn't give up now. If for nothing else, he needed to live for her; to prove that she did not fail. He couldn't let someone living around him think they failed. Now knowing everything, she truly was his savior and he wholeheartedly owed his entire life from here on out to her.
"No Jay, you are supposed to be here. There is a reason why you came back from the grip of death, why you survived surgery and made it all the way to today; tumor remnants and seizures and all. This is not the end of your story. I cannot believe that the Jay Halstead I met is going to cave in because he got told he might have an epileptic disorder. That's letting your setback win. I just refuse to believe that's something you're okay with." Jay could only absorb and sit still. He was rather stubborn after all, not one to just agree to things and move on. No, he let things sit and soak in his thought process, his measuring for truth and how he fit into it all. So he didn't move when Amelia wiped her eyes, stood from the chair and went to gather the iPad that she'd thrown on the end of the bed.
"So tonight I'd like to run another EEG. That's going to be the biggest thing that'll help us see what's going on. It needs to be done while you're asleep so I'd like to give you a sleep aid to help you sleep through the night. Then in the morning I want to get that MRI and this time, I want to sedate you and give you earplugs this time. If sound is a trigger then we need to make sure sound is as quiet as it can be." Jay nodded, sniffing before wiping under his nose out of habit and reaction.
"Sedate meaning intubated?"
"No, this would be a light sedative so that wouldn't be necessary. You'll be out for a few hours and if all goes well you'll be discharged tomorrow afternoon." Jay finally lifted his head for that one, smirking for the first time in quite sometime. There was the flicker of Jay Halstead in him.
"Sounds like a good idea."
"Good, I'm glad you agree. Now, I think there's something else you need to do." Amelia dove under the bed, grabbed Jay's phone and threw it at him. He fumbled with it a little as Amelia gathered her stuff and headed for the door. It was the throat clearing that made her stop at the door handle.
"Uh, thanks. Thank you for telling me that. And for not giving up." Amelia nodded, opening the door for herself as she stepped into the hallway.
"Jay, I'm not giving up on you…even if I did fail."
"You didn't. I'm gunna make sure that's never the case." She smiled, a faint glint in her eye as she curtly nodded.
"I'd love to see that happen. Now, right those wrongs." And just like that, she shut the door and left Jay to attend to his tasks. Will didn't answer the first, second or third time, Jay going as far as saying 'hey,' before hanging up. He couldn't bring himself to say anything without tearing up. Hailey didn't answer as well, because in reality she left her phone in the kitchen while she cried her heart out for a very long time in the shower.
"Hey, I'm sorry," was all he could say over a voicemail. He had so much more to say to her, to Will, but a phone call was never his style. He hoped his actions were enough to bring them back to at least hearing him out. An hour later the EEG and all its' electrodes were set up and ready for Jay. He swallowed the sleep aid willingly and was out in no time. Hailey made a call to Will after hearing Jay's message, the two of them talking till the clock said well after midnight. When Hailey called the hospital it was reported to her that Jay was doing well and in the middle of the EEG, unable to get to the phone. As she hung up she found herself in a bit of a conundrum: sit here and let, life, Jay's situation keep them apart. Or, run to him. Because that's what they always did.
I go where you go.
…
The majority of his day would be a blur, a series of snippets in time where he'd fully grasp things and be alert before diving into deep depths of time where he was completely out and fully not aware of his surroundings. But thankfully, his most coherent time was first thing in the morning, fitting because that was the most important and detrimental to the foreseeable future. What would happen during the remaining hours of the day were rather significant in laying down the groundwork for potentially the rest of Jay's life. But all of that was pretty much figured out and known, just lacking the confirmation of that which they knew and feared to be true. However, Jay had made a bloody mess of things the day prior with those that truly did matter the most, and would be instrumental in him reshaping some kind of normal view of his newfound life. Some would stay, some would have to be cast away, something brand new and wonderful would come out of it all. But for today, in this early morning hour, things needed to be addressed in a human sense. The medical side was being cared for and tackled. The personal chaos Jay created was the biggest glaring issue yet to be addressed. So imagine his surprise and slight shock when he didn't wake up alone. He looked to his right and left, plunging deep into the depths of humiliation and sadness. Because despite his horrific behavior and attitude to both of them less then twelve hours ago, they still showed up, they still chose to be by his side. If it were him, he'd have given the finger and trekked into the world of being independent from people like him. But instead, they somehow saw past all of that terrible and found it in their heart to return to his sorry, messed up and jerk filled ass. By the looks of things including the tossed bed head, tired faces, and personal items scattered across the floor, that they had camped out here most of the night. Sometime after he'd fallen into the sleep aid included rest they'd been snuck in, tucked away, and enjoyed a very restless sleep that came with spending the night in the hospital with a loved one. He would never understand how someone as messed up as him found himself with such kind, gentle, ever loving people in his life. He'd managed to fully open his eyes, scan the outer part of the room by the time Hailey woke herself up, blinked away the cobwebs of a restless night's sleep. One quick eye meet up was all it took to light her presence to radiating. It was too early for the full scope of Hailey Upton's bubbly personality. So instead she chose to smile quietly, fully, with just enough perk to send Jay down another level of embarrassment.
"Aw, we all woke up at the same time," Hailey spoke just above a whisper, pointing towards Will as Jay looked at her puzzled. Jay swiveled his head to the left, sure enough watching Will move into a sitting position about as slow as any alive human being could, groaning in recognition of her comment and providing the perfect sound for the start of this unwritten day.
"Hey Jay," Will yawned as he rubbed his eyes rather hard, skin blushing red after he massaged the orbs at least four times. Jay, completely forgetting about twenty probes were stuck all over his head and forehead, did his best to sit up, in the process yanking all the cords to the point that a couple audibly popped off, sending Will and Hailey to forego any kind of morning stretch and slow settling into waking up for the day. They both just about dove for Jay, both yelling for him to stop as Will grabbed for the probes that fell off while Hailey gently pushed Jay back down.
"Sorry, I'm sorry," Jay spoke rather embarrassed as he watched the two of them scramble to collect things and settle him back down. Blame the seizures or sleep aid or whatever else was going on, but he was properly embarrassed he caused the mild panic. Imagine how much worse it got when Amelia and a nurse plowed through the hospital room door, ready to handle the worst case scenario only to find three fully awake and surprised people acting rather normal on the other side.
"Well that was a fast response," Will joked as Amelia stopped dead in her tracks, remembering to breath out loud as she gathered herself.
"Hey, when four alarms go off at the same time that typically isn't a good sign."
"Again, sorry everyone," Jay spoke up, watching the four people nod and reassure him that all was well. Hard to believe the scene in this room was quite different not even five minutes ago.
"Well while we're here, I can go ahead and take those remaining probes off," Amelia said as she made her way to Jay, beginning with turning the EEG machine off and disconnecting the wires from the probes one at a time.
"Did you find anything," Will asked?
"Oh, we'll go over results now and during the MRI. I haven't fully read things to diagnose at this time so it wouldn't make sense in jumping to conclusions.
"But…" Hailey added. She'd been around this process long enough to know that doctor's did make assumptions, or have hunches about patient's and their treatment or prognosis before anything official. Doctors were like detectives in their own way. They too saw things that were troubling or mysterious and it was up to them to decipher things and come to logical and accurate decisions. Unlike in Jay and Hailey's world, doctors didn't hand out crimes and arrests and sentences, instead prescribing medication and treatment and long term outlooks on life. But just like any other investigative mind, she knew that was some kind of general idea behind that line. She'd said something like it too many times herself to not see and hear it.
"No, I don't want to add anymore stress or bad mojo to this whole thing," Amelia insisted.
"Hey, it's fine. I think we're all rational enough to understand it's early," Jay spoke through closed eyes. He was still quite weirded out by people touching his head and being so close and the fact that he could feel everything. Amelia sighed, looking up at Hailey before feeling Will glaring at her back. She waited till the last wire was free before saying anything.
"There were some irregular findings overnight. It wasn't anything dire but, it was there."
"So what does that mean," Hailey asked?
"Again, I need to do a full run down of the report and compare it with the MRI to know for sure, but irregular waves do suggest some kind of epileptic issue, or at least some kind of deformity."
"So I'm deformed," Jay quickly spoke up. The eyes opened up for that one. They were just beginning to wrap their minds around the idea of dealing with seizures for the rest of time. But to hear he was possibility deformed was not a word or situation Jay could handle right now.
"Not deformed like you'll need help forever," Will explained.
"He's right, I'm sorry for the use of that word. I know it's a very harsh and daunting word, but it's just what we say when there's something not standard or…typical. Like a lesion or just a structural abnormality, just anything away from a completely healthy brain. But again, that was just a quick observation. I won't know more until I get that MRI and then compare it to the EEG report. Which speaking of the MRI, we are scheduled to go down in about thirty minutes and I need you sedated before then so…I'll give you guys a few minutes before we get going."
"Well that was quick."
"I know, but I want this thing done as close to the EEG and his episode as quickly as I can with it being safe for him. If this is a thing where things flare up randomly, I want to capture what is happening in his brain to better help us all anticipate when things could spike again and then be able to treat him."
"Meaning you could prevent the episode before it starts?"
"Well, that's always a goal. But at least if I can see where in the brain things are happening we can nail down medication, therapies, stuff like that. Or, this could all just be part of the healing process from surgery and continued treatment of the tumor. A lot of moving parts going on here. So let's not jump to facts when we don't have everything." Hailey exhaled out loud, nodding before she craned her neck from side to side. Will nodded at Amelia, giving her a quiet thanks, to which she responded in kind. Jay meanwhile was daydreaming at his feet, not at all bothered by what was going on or what was about to happen.
"Hey!" Amelia's quick and sharp change in tone made Jay jump, allowing him to curse under his breath as he looked right at her.
"Yes?!"
"Oh good, you were just daydreaming. I don't need you seizing now," she teased. Jay rolled his eyes, snorting before he spoke.
"Is this what I have to look forward to the rest of time?"
"Well, let's hope not."
"Darn, I was looking forward to scaring you," Hailey teased. The last of the probes was finally free from Jay's head, twenty little red circles peppered all over his head and forehead as a result.
"I'll be back in ten," Amelia said, waving to the group before dashing out to get things lined up. Jay needed to be on a gurney, sedated with earplugs in his ears before 9:30am and it was eight till. Now free from things that would set alarms off, Jay did manage to sit himself up in bed, watching Hailey gather her hair into a messy bun before tackling the blanket that had been kicked to the floor. Will meanwhile wasn't bothered with putting his hair up, instead finishing that stretching thing he wanted to do however long ago. Jay looked left to right, and right to left, before working up the courage to speak what had been on his mind all night long; finally addressing the giant elephant in the room.
"I'm sorry," was all he could get out. There was so much more he wanted to say, had a whole speech written down in his mind. But it appeared all those words could be summed up in two.
"Jay, you don't need to apologize," Will started.
"We're good. You may have given your blessing for me to leave, but I didn't. I'm choosing to stick around and help you. You are not cramping on my life and I'm not having a life because of you. Jay, this is a lot for any one person to deal with, let alone in a two month timeframe. I honestly can't think of the last time you got genuine good news." Jay had to admit Will had a point. He couldn't think of the last time he genuinely smiled, had a good day, thought about any part of life apart from everything going on in his brain. It was so bizarre. His brain was on his mind all the time. The thing that thought, controlled, did every aspect of his existence was the only thing he could fixate on. What a conundrum that was.
"So yeah, it's okay to freak out. It's okay to be scared. Because none of this is easy or fun or good. But it's getting through all of this that will get you back there…or to a point where you can find a life that isn't wrapped around what's going on in that head of yours." Jay nodded, bitting the inside of his mouth before speaking.
"Thanks, Will. But again, I'm sorry."
"Jay, you don't need to apologize." Jay turned to look at Hailey, who was full on smiling, taking a seat on the edge of the bed and grabbing his hand before placing it in hers.
"We're good. We're always going to be good." She reached his hand to her lips, kissing really quick before squeezing his hand.
"Remember the deal?" Jay had to ponder that one for a second. Honestly with all that had been going on there was just no way for him to narrow down one thing. They both talked about so much in the recent weeks that they truly had been all over the spectrum. But as she reached into her bag and pulled out the white box that had been gifted to her on Christmas, that's when it clicked.
"When this isn't in the middle of us, we take that next step." But before Jay could say another word, Amelia returned with a whole slew of people.
"Ready to go?" Jay nodded, pulling the blankets away from himself and trying to stand on his own. The time to freak out and stress about things was over. Just like every other step of this journey, Jay was diving in head first without hesitation. He made it as far as a single foot touching the hospital floor before he buckled under his own power. Will managed to grab him first, Hailey rounding the bed rather quick and grabbing Jay up with Will. The three of them walked as one, taking things a step at a time and as slow as Jay allowed. When it came time to getting onto the gurney the medical staff took over. In one motion Jay was resting on the flat surface, feeling more blankets get tossed on top of him as the head of the gurney was pushed down to a flat surface. So much was going on. So many voices and people and things happening that the only constant was Hailey holding his hand while she remained still at his left side, the two of them just looking at the other with quiet concern.
"It'll feel like a long blink," Amelia spoke as she readied the sedative and lined things up with Jay's IV.
"Love you," was his flickering line to Hailey, who nodded while leaning down to whisper in his ear that she'd be right here when he awoke. To watch the person she loved most go from full consciousness to controlled death was something that sent chills deep within and up her spine. She was glad this was the first time she got to watch him get sedated and prayed it never happened again. It was an eerie sight, a rather troubling thing to watch all signs of independent life flee a human. Amelia slowly pushed the gurney into the hallway with the MRI tech people, promising to be back in a couple hours. Will and Hailey busied themselves with getting things cleaned up before turning to themselves. That altogether took about an hour, leaving them with plenty of time to sit in silence and work themselves into way too many worst case scenarios. Just as promised, Amelia returned right at the two hour mark, with news that they all knew was coming. The good news was that the tumor had shrunk to a point where Jay only needed one round of oral chemo and a single round of radiation. The two of them should've been shouting down the halls, but it was the other shoe that dropped that kept them in place. Because lurking behind the tumor was brain abnormalities. Lying in the wake of tumor trauma were several signs that the seizures weren't going away anytime soon. Indeed, Jay did have a seizure disorder, a special kind of epilepsy that was sound sensitive and occurring in episodic ways. The scan showed the area where things were happening, the EEG report telling that things were never one in done. The only question was the severity of it all. That was left up to time and continued healing.
Long term medication was all but given for Jay, therapies were briefly discussed but ended at the vain possibility of Jay growing out of this. But deep down they all knew this thing was sticking around. It's what they all knew deep down when the diagnosis came that day long ago. If it wasn't the tumor that would kill him, then the surgery would. But when that passed by and Jay sailed through, then the questioning of was going to take him down danced in the back of all their minds, just never spoken. Well, now they got their answer. The only uplifting moment to the rest of the day was when Jay was wheeled back into his room. It was the first time Hailey saw him differently, which was saying something given how much change he'd been through; they'd all been through. But despite the fact that he was still quite passed out, medicated, donning earplugs and sporting no hair she couldn't have loved him more. She just about bound over to him once he was settled back down in his bed. Taking his hand in hers she really did start to think of the afterlife, the life after this tumor was behind them. They said once the tumor and cancer was gone they'd start their life together. Oh how silly they were to think there wouldn't be something between them for the rest of time. They were never going to be just the two of them. Something would always stand in their way, or in between who they were and what they did.
"Home," was Jay's first word post scan, ripping Hailey out of her mind spiral. She leaned over to kiss his cheek, promising that if he fell back to sleep they'd go home when he reawakened. He was still too tired to open his eyes, but did manage to faintly squeeze her hand before falling back to sleep. He slept for another hour, was discharged after two. Medication was called into the pharmacy before he left, the start of experimenting the regiment for the rest of his life. His exit from the room was quite uneventful and the ride down to the truck was as memorable as what you ate for lunch last week. Safe to say no one spoke on the ride home. They finally had their solid, eternal answers. The only question was, and now what?
