Author's Note:

You know how I told you that this chapter would be nice and fluffy?
Well, I lied...
I didn't mean to, though! The order I felt like things would be in at the time, wound up being different. It's a heavier chapter, but I hope you will enjoy it!

Chapter 10 Shadows of the Past

Three weeks after the accident, Belle was happily back into a routine. Despite still having to have help getting ready for the day, and having to bear the constant chatter of Mary while she did so, Belle was back to her purpose filled self. She loved her mornings with Bae, his penmanship coming along at a smooth pace and in his eagerness to be helpful to Miss French, he faithfully scrawled his lessons, and did everything in his power so that she did not feel the loss of her dominant hand so keenly. He would forgo an extra hour of merriment out of doors or play in his nursery to help her clean up afterwards. She made sure she went outdoors with him and participated in his play as far as she was able-since most of her bruises had faded, leaving only her arm in a semi-precarious state that Mr. Gold would remind her to be careful of.

Mr. Gold would also follow them outdoors while the weather lasted, his face remained stoic and serious. He would always answer questions put to him, still had that look about him that made Belle think him afraid she might take another tumble and be gone all together. Bae, ever the observant one, would stop his play sometimes, worried over his father's far away looks and he would wrinkle his little nose when it seemed his father hadn't heard something he said.

As glad as Belle was to reinstate the the little routines of the day that made her the most happy, she couldn't help observe that Mr. Gold didn't seem to be as much so, and little Bae by consequence of his own father's melancholy state, was not as carefree and cheerful as he had been before. It was with some worry and concern on both their parts that she decided to approach her employer when they happened upon one another in the library as was something that they would do from time to time.

'Might I ask you a question, sir?'

He had only nodded in acknowledgement at her entrance to the library. His seemingly stern attitude made the air heavy. Her question seemed to bring him out of some sort of stupor.

'What? Oh, um yes'

'Are you alright, sir?'

His eye, which seemed to be only staring at the page before him instead of him gaining anything from it, darted up at her in a little trepidation.

'What do you mean? I am fine, of course.' He looked at her warily looking for some sort of hidden meaning behind her question.

'I greatly beg your pardon, I simply have observed, and Bae may have mentioned your moods and countenance being-in Bae's own words 'somber'. I believe he is worried about you, and I only mean to ask and make sure there isn't something amiss-something I couldn't do to help at all?'

His lips, so tight and grim, opened slightly at her declaration. His head tilted and his forehead wrinkled-as best it could, at least on one side, in confusion.

'I didn't mean to alarm-I am fine. I will attempt to watch myself in the future. I didn't mean to alert Bae at all-or indeed, worry you, of course.' He stumbled.

Belle looked at him squarely, noticing how his resolve seemed poor and an obvious falsehood was there.

'I-I only said something out of the desire to be of help to you, sir. I assure you-you need not hide away what is troubling you, though at the same time I have no desire to pry.'

'Nothing troubles me!' He snapped but thinking better of it. 'Excuse me, Miss French, what my mind has dwelt on here lately is only shadows of my past-best left in the shadows and not brought before light of day. I will not burden you with such things.'

'But if it brought you some peace? Sometimes it helps to speak of such things aloud-if not myself then perhaps someone you trust more…'

'It isn't a matter of trust' The words spoken were so low Belle wondered at first if he had even spoken them at all. He seemed to catch himself and turn to her in a sort of grim resolve.

'If I told you only half of it, you would flee from here at once. Promise or no promise, contract or no contract, you would not be able to stay here another minute. I-I told you once before to be careful before assigning me goodness of character to try to cover up some of my exterior ugliness, for you would find none. If I were to tell you-to tell you what I've done…'

'I am not so weak as to forget present realities in deference to some past mistakes. You may find yourself mistaken in my reaction.'

'I think not-and I think you over-step, Miss French. You told me you meant not to pry-is this not the definition of prying? To weasel out my secrets and find out for certain why your employer is reputed as the Monster of Dark Manor?'

Belle balled her fist and tightened her lips in indignation.

'Sir!' She had no words to retaliate. He was speaking as he had done at the beginning-as if the months that she had not seen his hurt and his love for his son had never happened. Was this not pain speaking now? Had she really overstepped her place this time?

'Sit then, at your leisure, or tarry there on the doorframe as to assist your fleeing when the time comes. I'll tell you what you wish to know, and then you can tell me or not whether you would have rather been kept in the dark after all and repent your meddling.'

His face had gone all dark, his eye a very shade of wild she hadn't seen since he had snapped at her directly after the accident.

'You must know Bae had a mother-a Mrs. Gold, of course?'

Belle nodded. 'Bae said that he was quite young when she-when she…'

'Killed herself?' Belle's eyes lit up in horror. 'Although I'm sure Bae didn't tell you that, as he doesn't know himself. How do you tell your child that their mother couldn't bear to be with their father so much that she would rather provoke the wrath of God and end her own life than to stay?'

He looked her over now, and she wondered if he was looking for fright. Belle braced herself, she sat straight in her chair and gave no indication to her true inward feelings, for she was unsure of them herself.

'Milah, my wife, and I were married when I was 23 and she but 18. My father was the one to throw us together and promote the match. I've never been one for conversation or social gatherings even when I was, well, before…

Milah was social enough for the two of us and chatted on all cheerfulness and bright smiles. My father never thought me good enough for anything, and seemed quite enamored with her. Turns out, I had the money and she had position and contacts. I would not call our marriage a love match, after all we knew each other only three months before we married, but she was pretty enough, I thought, and she seemed to have a tether on life that I lacked. I thought if she came here, she would grace the manor with her joy and life. Turns out the Dark Manor only infected her with its darkness. She moped around the halls lamenting the lack of parties and decorations she thought it needed.

My father died not five months later, leaving me Dark Manor and all the property and wealth it entailed. Milah seemed to reawaken after that, insisting on the need for new decorations, insisting the need to travel, to be seeing people and to be seen by people. She requested a summer home in France, to escape the darkness of the manor, to have her closest friends about her, she said, and requested that I not join her, or else she would be in a depressed state. I depressed her, she told me, with my endless work and love of study.

During her time spent here, there were always parties that would last until the early hours of the morning, where she did her best to lose any money that I allotted to her person. She would have caused us to exceed our income, as great as it was, even at that time, had I not had a strict hold on the purse strings. The fact that I held them caused her to rant and rail at me. I hated those parties. One such party is where I had the misfortune to meet the now Mrs. Mills, and had the double misfortune of seeing her more thereafter.'

Belle nodded in understanding, causing him a moment's hesitations and curiosity. He shook it off and continued.

'Eventually, she traveled to the summer home and stayed away for a good two months. I grew rather tired of my wife's antics and decided one day to go to her.

What I will tell you will shock you, no doubt, Miss French, but let me assure you no matter what my misdeeds hereafter, that during the year leading up to this, I did try to please her. I let her do what she willed, for heaven's sake! No matter that I did not love her, I did try my best to make her happy.'

He paused, as if he was unsure how to go on.

'Your look, Miss French, such forced strength, but I see the fear behind it. Courage, ma'dam, for it is here that surely your outlook on the man you work for must change.

As I said, I went to our summer home-she would claim I invaded her summer home, but as I built it with my money, it was mine in all the essentials. When I arrived, I realized what I had always feared-that it was a den of sin. She had one lover there when I arrived, and I know not if she had others besides.'

Belle did let out a gasp of shock here. She couldn't help it. A daughter of a clergyman to a small country parish, with little knowledge of the outside world but what she read in her books-ever the recipe for ignorance in the realm of adultery and fornication.

'That is not the shocking part, Miss French. A man would have to be blind to have some suspicion as to why his wife would want to be without him and so many miles away from him. But to catch them in the wicked act would make any husband, even one who would admit that there was no love in the marriage, would make even his blood boil. And boil it did. I threw the man out of the house with my bare hands. I am no large man, as you see, but anger and vengeance will give strength to many a person.

'I shouted many things at my wife-many that I will not repeat, since your gasp betrayed your shock at my wife's goings on to begin with, but I will say that I would have gotten a pretty sermon from your father, I'm sure, if he would have heard that conversation.

Belle looked down at her skirts, unsure how to answer nor of how to look. Mr. Gold sighed and continued once more.

'She wanted an annulment, wanted out of the marriage, of course she did-but I wouldn't let her, nor was it a very good plan on her part. She was one of many children with very little money and would be a burden on whomever of her family that would have her back.

That night one of the servants was careless with their candle and somehow-it never was exactly told how, a flame started. When I woke, the room was already starting to fill with smoke and Milah's room was closer to the flame. She was in a heavy slumber when I found her. She lay there curled in a ball-as if trying to close herself off to the great burden of being my wife and my insistence on her being shackled to me-little did she know that the shackles would only get tighter.' His face was tight.

'I carried her as best I could for a moment-but again, as I stated before, I am not a large man, and Milah was not quite as petite as yourself, Miss French. I managed to find some water to wake her up from her smoke filled stupor-most likely alcohol was an additional culprit to her lethargy. She managed to wake up and crawl with me to the entrance of the summer house, only to be alerted that a servant hadn't been seen. I went back in for only a moment to see if I could find them, to have part of the house cave on top of the half you see marred.'

A tear trickled down Belle's face, when she saw her employer's face look so broken at the recollection of past pain. He went unseeing for so much of the conversation, only looking up from time to time, and did so when he motioned to his scars that had become so familiar to her. He rubbed his forehead with good hand.

'This is something I do not understand, and perhaps as a clergyman's daughter you can enlighten me. The scripture tells us that husband and wife are seen as one flesh before God, correct?'

'Y-yes, "The two shall become one"' She quoted. But her forehead wrinkled in confusion at his questioning.

'Is that why I was punished? Punished for my wife's sin of infidelity? Or would it be the knowledge of future sin on my part.' The wild look was again written on his face.

Belle stumbled over her words. 'Trials and catastrophe's are not always because of past-or even sin. Jesus healed a blind man and when the disciples asked what sin had caused his blindness, Jesus told them it was not sin that had caused it, but his life had purpose, it had meaning. He healed the blind man to show his power. Sometimes we can't understand why we go through things-perhaps not until we are on the other side of eternity. You can't blame yourself, nor your wife for the fire, sir.' She said it softly, but Mr. Gold's eye focused on her in anger.

'But I did blame her!' He snapped, then went back to that broken look he had before. ' I blamed her for every ounce of pain I suffered. If I hadn't had to go in search of her, if she wasn't so in need of a social life away from me…

Then I blamed myself. I had never been a son of much merit, how could I ever be a husband that could retain a wife. She had been so desperate to be rid of me that she would rather live in dependency than to continue in our marriage.'

'She almost was rid of me,' he continued. 'but I was found and after the very worst was over , I was taken back to England to recover. Milah screamed the first time she saw me…after. Many servants gasped and fled in horror as well. Milah told me that I was truly a monster. I-I think Jeffrey and Dove were the only ones who could look at me.'

Belle couldn't imagine how that would destroy a person. No wonder he had been so insistent on staying in the darkness when she first came!

'Recovery was slow-painful, and I can't say I was in the best of tempers. Milah had sequestered herself away and would not so much as look at me, even if we met in the hall or in the dining area. She would beg to be sent somewhere else so she wouldn't be compelled to look at me. I-I was angry with her, but I had seen myself in the mirror. So I did what I did best in my business life, I made a deal with her.

I told her that were she to provide an heir, she could then be married to me in name only-I would never request that she be in my presence only that she remain at my home-I would not have her indiscretions happen again. My accident caused enough waves in the societal pool as it was. She was angry but agreed, for I may have hinted towards the fact that as her husband I could force my presence on her, and would do so if she did not agree to my terms.'

Belle's eyes widened, and her employer did look guilt ridden as he spoke the words.

'It took five years-five agonizing long years for her to be with child. We lost two before they were ever born, and she reminded me daily of the pain I caused her, the pain I was causing her, the trap I had put her in, the prison I had created. All social events were done away with, for of course, even the ever social Milah would not want anyone to see her monster of a husband. Her wild spirit slowly ebbed away during that time, cooped up as she was. When she learned she was with child again, of course, there wasn't so much hope that it would take this time, but little Bae was ever a strong child, even in the womb it would seem.'

The first trace of a smile appeared on his face at the thought of his son.

'She wouldn't' even look at him when he was born.' The smile was gone once more and a look of disgust replaced it. 'She handed him to me and told me I've done it, now I want to never see you again. She would not nurse him, would not care for him-she didn't even want a role in naming him. A wet nurse was called for, and a nanny was hired for a little while-and I hoped that perhaps she would relent and find some maternal love for the boy, but it never happened. A year later she was found drowned in the lake outside here.'

Belle was breathing heavily, trying to take in everything that had been spoken, the horrors that had transpired in this house. Mr. Gold's voice was low-so low she had to strain to hear it.

'I killed her. No less than if I had taken her and drowned her myself, I killed her. She told me her life was a prison but in my pride I would not let her go.'

His head was in his hands.

'Sir.' Belle's voice broke the stifling silence. 'You cannot blame yourself sir.' His face went up, so much pain, so much sorrow!

'Why are you still here? I just told you I as good as killed her! I roped her into an arrangement where I forced her to bear a child she did not want, and with a monster she did not want to look at! How can you sit there so quietly and serenely?'

'Would you have done what you said you would do to her, had she not agreed to the deal?' Belle could not say it clearly, her cheeks were pink with the implied meaning.

'I wouldn't have-but that's not what I told her, it's not what she thought.'

'You did not kill her, sir. She could not bare her lot in life-she could not find joy amidst her circumstances. I'm not saying you are blemish free, sir.' Her heart beat wildly at even that small accusation, but he needed to see the truth if he would even begin to believe her words.

'But neither is she. She was unfaithful to you, wanted to abandon you, and then abandoned her own son. You both did regrettable things, and for your part, I see great sorrow there. You told me that you blame yourself. Do you regret your actions?'

Mr. Gold did not seem appalled by her frankness, at least-stunned perhaps.

'Of course I do.' Ge breathed.

'Then is there no forgiveness, sir? Is there not mercy and redemption? God will forgive you, if you will but ask.'

'How can you say such things? I destroy and hurt everything I touch. Just like I hurt you, by having that-that woman and her family here. You could have been killed, Miss French! And that would have been my fault too.'

'No sir, that was not your fault. You cannot blame yourself for the sins of others. Cilian was at fault-his father and mother at fault for their defects in parenting, not you. I do not blame you-do not blame yourself.'

'You will not leave then? Even after I've told you everything?'

'Of course not, sir. We all have regrets in our life-I suppose my life isn't so long lived that my list is as long as some, but Scripture say we all have sinned. Who am I to count myself any more righteous than you? Jeffrey has remained your faithful friend all these years, surely he sees in you something worth a friendship, sir.'

'He does not know everything. No one does-but you, I suppose.' Belle's eyes widened.

'We've been friends since we were lads, Jeffery and I and he has been probably my only friend all this time, but he does not know about the deal between Milah and myself. I'm sure he has his suspicions about what I found in the summer house when I went there when the accident happened. He knows Milah was unhappy, but he doesn't know the extent of it. If he knew what I had done, do you think he would have let his goddaughter come to the home of such a monster?'

'I've told you before sir, you are no monster. You wouldn't have really done what you said, you told me so. Perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps you really were as dark as you truly believe then-but now-I see the love you have for your son, even the kindness you've shown me. The present cannot erase the past but it can ease it. Ask God for forgiveness, sir, then forgive yourself.'

He stared at her as if she was some sort of otherworldly creature.

'You are unlike anyone I've ever met' His voice was soft, but steady, and half a smile crept up the good side of his face. 'And I'm glad.'

Belle reddened and smiled warmly, knowing that she couldn't erase his burdens for him, but she could be his friend, and would be his friend as long as he needed it.

Author's Note 2:

I've had this background information for Mr. Gold in my head for a while, and fleshing it out was difficult, but I hope you enjoyed reading it! He truly did some not so great stuff, but so does Rumple in the show-Belle sees past it, and so she does here too. And as I am throwing around hints and nods to the Jane Eyre story, I also like the explanation of redemption. Hope it all makes sense, and you aren't TOO angry with Gold.
Also, if I did the math okay, Gold is about 35 in the story. This is about the same age difference as Emma/Mr. Knightly so not too crazy for the time period...
Thank you for the comments so far!