Chapter 12: Anxiety

Meredith's bare feet smacked against the damp pavement as she ran. A tall man, whose head was covered with the hood of his black sweatshirt, followed behind her. She opened her mouth to scream but no sound came out, so she ran faster, harder. Her lungs were burning, and her legs were numb from the exertion. She had to escape; she had to flee her attacker.

His heavy footsteps quickened with her speed, and grew closer and closer till they were echoing inside her head, drowning out all other sound. A black shadow enveloped her as he was now only inches behind, his rapid hot breath on her neck.

The attacker grabbed her shoulders and shook her. Meredith opened her mouth in one last desperate attempt to yell. This time her voice cooperated, and the silence was split by her ear-piercing scream. She screamed and thrashed as the man shook her.

Meredith?

Meredith!

MER!

"Mer, baby, wake up! You're okay. It's just me. Calm down. You're okay." Meredith blinked her eyes open and realized she was in Derek's arms. He held her close and smoothed her sweaty hair. Her heart was racing, and she was breathing fast as she slowly came to. It was a dream. A horrible nightmare. But she was fine. She was safe in Derek's strong arms. It was just a dream.

"Are you okay?" Derek finally asked, after Meredith's breathing calmed and her heart slowed.

"Yeah. Fine." Meredith whispered, clinging to the t-shirt Derek slept in.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Derek asked soothingly, still stroking her hair and wiping at a few tears that slipped down her cheek.

"No. Just hold me, Derek." Meredith buried her face in his shirt, feeling the warmth of his breath wash over her damp skin, reminding her she was safe.

As she drifted back to sleep, she found herself repeating something else in her mind. It was just a dream, it was just a dream, it was just a dream….

Morning came too soon for Meredith, who didn't sleep much after her bad dream. She reached and shut the alarm off, and nudged Derek awake. It was nice waking up next to him for a change. It was a rare morning he didn't have to be in before her shift started.

Derek groggily opened his eyes and gave Meredith a quick smile before kissing her on the nose. "You okay?"

"I'm fine."

Derek chuckled, knowing he wouldn't get anymore. It wasn't like Meredith to have nightmares, but he figured it never did any good to press her on something when she didn't want to talk about it. He'd let it go for now.

"Do you want the shower first, or shall I take it? Or better yet, we could shower together." Derek wiggled his brows flirtatiously.

"In your dreams Dr. Shepherd." Meredith rolled her eyes at his offended look and tiredly climbed out of bed. "You go first, I'm going to go wake Carwyn."

Derek sighed frustrated as he pulled himself out of bed and trudged into the bathroom, alone.

Thirty-five minutes later, Meredith finished drying her hair and applying the tiny bit of makeup she wore.

Derek sat in his usual spot, bowl of cereal next to his stack of paperwork. He smiled at her as she walked in and Meredith noticed him quickly slide a piece of paper under the stack, acting nonchalant about it.

Meredith poured herself a cup of coffee Izzie had started earlier for everyone and plopped in the chair next to Derek. She watched across the table as Carwyn carefully scooped her cereal in a silver spoon and shoveled the flakes drenched in milk in her mouth. She noticed Derek staring at her out of the corner of her eye.

"What?!"

Derek laughed. "Is that all you're having for breakfast?"

Meredith couldn't help herself and she laughed too. Did this ever get old to him?

"As a matter of fact, yes." She tried to glare, but her smile gave her away.

Derek shook his head and stood. He crossed the kitchen while he tsk tsk'd her. He reached in the cabinet to retrieve a bowl and Meredith realized he was getting her a bowl of cereal for breakfast. With his back to her and the table, Meredith kept her eyes on him and quickly shuffled through his papers until she found the one, she had seen him hide. She glanced down swiftly and saw a woman's name scrawled in blue ink followed by a phone number. Carrie Lashinger.

Derek finished filling the bowl with the muesli flakes and milk and grabbed a spoon, before Meredith could memorize the phone number. She stuffed the paper back under the stack and folded her hands in front of her unseen, before Derek rejoined her at the table.

"Here ya go." Derek set the breakfast in front of his girlfriend and kissed the top of her head. "No thanks needed."

"Good, cause you weren't going to get any." Meredith replied stubbornly before digging her spoon in the brown flakes and stuffing a bite in her turned down mouth.

Meredith slammed her locker shut frustrated. Where was her chapstick? She was sure it was in her purse, but after emptying its contents, as well as the contents of her entire locker onto the wooden bench, it hadn't turned up. Meredith sighed; it was probably in her jeep. She didn't want to walk all the way out to the parking lot, but she really needed chapstick.

Meredith hurried down to the lobby and out the main doors. Shivering when a cold breeze wrapped around her thin scrubs. For the umpteenth time that day, the woman's name written on Derek's hidden paper crossed her mind. Who was she? If it had to do with hospital business, surely he wouldn't have tried to hide it from her. He was taking an increasingly large number of mysterious calls as well. Each time he brushed it off as "chief stuff" but Meredith wasn't so sure and was growing more and more suspicious. She wasn't sure of what. But something was going on. That much she knew.

Besides, thinking about the secrets Derek was keeping from her kept her mind off of other things. Other things like frightening phone calls, creepy people hiding in shadows or scary dark cars following her home at night. Most of all, they kept her from thinking about the mysterious, almost intimidating notes found in her locker. Notes, a lot like the one that met Meredith at her jeep, wedged between the windshield and a wiper blade.

Meredith froze. It was the first time in her life she was actually praying for the paper to be a ticket. A fine from the parking lot police, anything would be better than what she knew it actually was.

She didn't know why she was removing it from it spot on the window, or why she was slowly opening the white cardstock. All she had to do was throw it away. Not give this disturbed person the satisfaction of being scared by his sick jokes. But Meredith's body didn't obey and her eyes defied her. Once again, dark black, neatly written letters were carefully printed on the paper. This time it was a bit longer.

Roses are red, violets are blue;

Ready or Not, I'm coming for you.

The time is up, the time is near;

Scream all you want, because no one will hear.

Meredith's eyes shot up and quickly darted across the parking lot. This was bad. Not good at all. Suddenly everyone coming to and for innocently became a suspect. She jumped when she saw her own refection in the jeeps passenger window. She needed to tell someone. Definitely. She pulled her cell from her pocket as she headed determinedly back into the hospital, all thoughts of chapstick forgotten. She walked as brusquely as she could until even that wasn't good enough and it turned into a sprint. Parking lots weren't safe. Hospital lobbies were better. She finally stopped her panicked dash as she entered the main entrance and was greeted with the welcoming steady stream of a large crowd. She felt safe in this public room, bright lights illuminating all around her.

She struggled to catch her breath as she pushed the numbers in for Derek's cell and waited shakily for it to ring. It immediately went to voice mail, so she figured he was still in his meeting. She punched the end button and threw the phone back in her pocket.

Security. Of course. Why hadn't she thought of that earlier?

Meredith hurriedly pushed herself through the throngs of people, it seemed the hospital was extra busy today, and made her way to one of the smaller offices on the first floor. She pushed the door open and came face to face with Mr. Luckabee.

Meredith blinked, willing it too not be true. She stared up at the man, unable to move, unable to speak.

"Meredith! How nice to see you. I was just talking with my buddy Jack." Mr. Luckabee gestured towards the plump man in a gray security uniform. "Is there something we can help you with?"

Meredith shook her head, her eyes wide, face pale.

"Are you sure? You look like you've just seen a ghost." Mr. Luckabee kept his dark eyes on her; his voice was cool, even. His remark caused his friend to laugh out loud and Meredith saw something flash through his face. Was he challenging her?

Meredith found her voice and struggled to keep it calm and unshaky. "No. No, I'm fine. Thank you, Mr. Luckabee. I… I just got a little lost. I thought this was a supply closet. I'm sorry, excuse me."

Meredith turned to leave but was stopped by his sudden change in tone. "I told you to call me Jon."

Meredith didn't turn around. She didn't even nod; she just quickly stepped out of the room and hurried away. Things were quickly becoming less clear to her. The lines less defined. Should she tell Derek? Could it really be Mr. Luckabee behind all of this? Was she imagining the way he spoke to her? What if she was wrong, what if she expressed her assumptions and they turned out to be completely false? It would jeopardize her career, along with Derek's position as Chief, as well as the careers of all her friends who would no doubt try to help.

Meredith swallowed and calmed her breathing. She could do this alone for just a bit longer. She would have to. She needed to get her facts straight and get to the bottom of whoever was trying to scare her. She wouldn't drag anyone else in until she absolutely had to.

Content with her decision and newfound determination, she walked purposely to the elevator. She would get through the remainder of her shift professionally, like a professional doctor would. She would deal with everything later. For now, she would pretend. She was good at pretending, and she would pretend that everything was fine.


Meredith found exactly who she was looking for up on the surgical floor leaning against the nurse's station, absorbed in conversation with George and Alex. All three surgeons quickly stopped their discussion when Meredith approached, and she noticed George grab something off the desk and slide it in his pocket. People were behaving peculiar around her all day, but she was too tired to care.

"Hey Cristina?" She kept her voice low so the passing interns wouldn't hear. "Do you think I could leave early today?"

Cristina eyed Meredith curiously before speaking. "Ya, whatever, no problem. Are you okay? You look like shit."

Both George and Alex chuckled at Cristina's bluntness but didn't disagree. They too was wondering why she all the sudden looked pale and upset.

"I'm fine. It's um… Carwyn…. She was tired this morning and I thought …. um it would be good to get her home early today. That's all."

All three nodded at Meredith, not one buying it, but all accustomed to her quick denial.

"You know, I am your person, you can talk to me if you need to. " Cristina offered back lightly.

Meredith nodded frowning. "I know. And I will…. just not yet."

That seemed to satisfy Cristina and she turned her attention to some charts that laid in front of her. Meredith nodded to others as she turned and headed to the locker room to change. She was about to push the door open when she saw a familiar figure heading towards her.

An automatic smile spread across her face when her eyes met Derek's. The hall was full of interns and nurses so they stood a few extra feet apart and both crossed their arms as they greeted each other.

"Hey Chief."

"Hey." Derek laughed at her greeting. "You headed home already?"

"Ya. I'm a little tired, and Carwyn was a bit cranky this morning so I thought we should both get to bed early tonight. When do you think you'll be done?" Meredith asked, all the while her eyes darting up and down the hall, hoping no one was catching their conversation.

"Oh… um… I have another late meeting. Shouldn't be too late though. Are you alright? You seem kinda pale. Are you sure you're just tired?"

Meredith saw it again. Something unreadable flash through his eyes. And she certainly didn't miss how quickly he had changed the subject.

She sighed. "Ya, I'm fine. Just tired Derek."

Meredith was too defeated to care that she just called him by his first name in time for a few of her fellow interns that were passing by to hear. She noticed them exchange looks, and decided she really didn't care. She was growing sick of the whole charade. There were many other things going on that were more important for her to think about.

Derek studied her a little more before deciding to let it go once again. She was after all an intern and interns always seemed to look frazzled.

"I'll see you later then? Tell Carwyn good night for me."

Meredith nodded and watched him join a few doctors down the hall and start up a conversation, before she turned and walked into the locker room. She just wanted to go home.


It seemed everything had finally calmed down and Meredith was able to relax. Carwyn and she picked up fast food on the way home from the hospital for an early dinner and already bathed and showered. The sun was still up, so Meredith let Carwyn play with some of her dolls in the living room while she got caught up with laundry.

She enjoyed listening to Carwyn's sweet voice drift softly to the kitchen as she folded a pile of both hers and Derek's freshly washed scrubs. Carwyn just finished her rendition of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star for the sixteenth time, and Meredith was relieved when her young daughter chose a new song.

She noticed she was quickly running out of room on the kitchen table, as the piles of clean clothes grew, so she picked up the empty vase that occupied valuable room at the far end of the table. As Meredith carefully moved the heavy glass across the kitchen to the counter, the words of Carwyn's new song reached her ear.

Her light, innocent voice softly chanted in a sing song voice, a familiar poem.

"Roses are red, violets are blue. Ready or not, I'm coming for you…."

The sweet small voice was cut off by the sound of shattering glass. Fear had overcome Meredith, causing the vase to slip out of her shaking hands as she crossed the kitchen and entered the living room. Meredith's eyes were dark with fear and her face was as white as the socks she had just folded.

Carwyn had never seen her mother so upset, and the little girl froze, clutching her small doll to her chest.

"Carwyn," Meredith spoke slow and forced her voice to stay low and calm. "Where did you hear that song?"

Carwyn didn't speak. She just met Meredith with her own, large frightened eyes.

Meredith tried again, her voice a bit more anxious. "Carwyn, who taught you that song."

When Carwyn still didn't respond, Meredith yelled. "Carwyn! Tell me where you heard that song!"

Carwyn's chin quivered and tears spilt free. "That man Mama! That man taught me!"

Chills shot through Meredith and she began crying with her four year old. "What man Carwyn?! Tell me who he is?! What man?!" Meredith was shaking uncontrollably.

"I don't know! Please don't yell at me Mama! The man at the hospital. He was teaching us songs."

Mother and daughter were both sobbing. Meredith grabbed Carwyn by her shoulders, frightening her daughter even more. "Did he touch you Carwyn?"

Carwyn was too scared to speak. She didn't understand why her mother looked so scared.

Meredith grew more alarmed at her daughter's silence and shook her once. "Carwyn! Did he hurt you?!"

"No Mama. We were just singing songs. You're scaring me!"

Meredith pulled Carwyn close and wrapped her arms around her, holding her as close as she could. They cried together for a moment before Meredith regained control. She stroke her daughters dark curls and rubbed her back until Carwyn's tears stopped as well.

Meredith pulled away slightly to look into her eyes. They looked like little oceans lined with red and Meredith immediately felt bad for loosing it so easily. Carwyn was too young to understand what was going on. She reminded herself she needed to be the adult and keep her cool.

"I'm so sorry Carwyn. I didn't mean to yell at you. Mommy just got scared."

When Carwyn nodded, Meredith continued. "Do you remember what Mommy told you about strangers?"

Carwyn nodded again, then replied in a weak, shaky voice. "Don't talk to them?"

"That's right Carwyn. You should never talk to strangers, ever. Okay?"

"I'm sorry Mama."

Meredith hugged her tightly again. "It's okay sweetie. It's my fault. I should have been watching you better. I'm sorry Carwyn. I'm so sorry. Mama's not ever going to let anyone hurt you. Not ever."

Meredith held her close for a minute longer before releasing her. "Why don't we go upstairs and brush our teeth for bed?"

Carwyn nodded and turned for the stairs.

"And Carwyn?"

Carwyn turned around and Meredith could still see the uncertainty in her eyes.

"Why don't you pick out four books for tonight? I think we should read a while before we go to sleep."

A smile finally spread across Carwyn's face and even reached her eyes, as she nodded eagerly. Meredith sighed relieved and Carwyn bounced the rest of the way up the stairs.

Meredith finally stood from the spot she was kneeling and retrieved her cell from her purse by the front door. Maybe she could catch Derek before he went in his meeting.

She tried his cell first and it went directly to voice mail so Meredith decided she'd try his office line before giving up. On the second ring his secretary picked up.

"Dr. Shepherd's office, how can I help you?"

"Hi, I was wondering if I could speak to Dr. Shepherd before his next meeting. It's kind of urgent."

"I'm sorry. Dr. Shepherd's left for the day. He doesn't have a meeting tonight. Can I take a message?"

Meredith wasn't sure what to say. He'd already left? Maybe the meeting was cancelled. But why hadn't he called her?

"Um, no. That won't be necessary. Thank you anyways." Meredith ended her call with furrowed brows.

She didn't have time to obsess over it like she would have liked to. She needed to take care of things with Carwyn and be sure she hadn't scared her daughter to death. Carwyn was more important right now. She'd figure the rest of her messed up life later.