Chapter 3

Ari sat at a table at the bar on the Citadel, after she went to the bar tender and bought a round of drinks for the crew. She sat at a table taking time for herself. She needed time to decompress, normally she would have gone to the shooting range she had set up on the Normandy. It wasn't much really, just a few empty cargo containers with some targets she had pinned on them. Ironic, really because with all that money Cerberus had poured into designing this ship and they couldn't splurge on a proper training and shooting gallery. She sat with a bottle of some sort of green liquor that she had bought and poured herself a glass. On the table was a picture of Liara. It had been the anniversary of their relationship, and Ari was feeling a bit on the low ebb. Liara was…well she was the exact opposite of Shepard. Liara was kind, gentle, soft, and soothing. She was like a gentle balm to Ari's brutal nature. Shepard lifted a glass of the green liquor and toasted her love. "Here's to you, my little blue bird."

The Illusive Man had told her that he didn't know where all of her crew had gone after her death. Although, she honestly doubted his words. It seemed to her, that he didn't want her looking after a long-lost love interest because he wanted her sole focus on the Collectors. Well fuck him, she was human and she wanted companionship. Ari downed the drink in one gulp and promptly poured another drink. Getting pissed off drunk seemed like a good idea at the moment.

Shepard was going to pour herself a few more drinks when Dr. Chakwas came by and Ari wondered what would bring Normandy's chief medical officer to this place. The bar seemed like an odd sort of place for the doctor to come. "Hello Commander."

"Hey, Doc. What's up?"

"Nothing much, Commander. I Just…." The doctor paused. "I am not very good at lying, so I will come out and say it. I am concerned about you. It seems like those scars of yours are not getting any better. I know I gave you a report about them, why they are not healing like they should and how to treat them but…."

"Look, Doc. They…well they remind me that I died and…." Shepard downed the drink she had.

Chakwas shook her head. "You really ought to talk to someone about this. It's not every day someone comes back from the dead. I can tell you need someone to figure all the psychological aspects of what Cerberus did to you. Yeoman Chambers is a…."

Ari cut her off. "No, thanks. I am not going to spill my guts to a woman that's in bed with Cerberus. Anything I talk to her about would no doubt go back to The Illusive Man. Sorry, but my life is not an open book for that bastard to read."

"If not her, then I volunteer to be a sounding board to you, Commander. I might not have the background in psychology but…I care about you Commander. I have served with Captain Anderson and I have served with you. I am as close to any confidant that you're going to get. And if not as a confident then as…well as a friend."

"I suppose friendship can't hurt but…" Shepard sighed. "Anytime I get close to someone…I lose them. I am like a bad talisman. I attract death not just to myself but to others. This mission…I am going to order people to their deaths, just like Torfan. I see it. I know it. I can feel it and…."

Ari paused. "I live for combat and I expect it out of everyone that fights with me, Doctor. Life. Death. Survival at any cost. Every time I fight…. the adrenaline kicks in. My heart races. I get all warm, flushed and….it feels so good. I don't feel any pain, even when I get shot up all to hell. It's only after everything is finished…..and then well...the pain comes rushing in and..."

Chakwas shook her head. "Don't remind me. I had to patch you up after Saren attacked the Citadel. It's a wonder you didn't die there."

Shepard laughed. "Oh, but you know you love it, Doctor. Patching me up. Sending me back into the fight, whether it be the Reapers or The Collectors. Besides your life would be boring if all you had to do was treat Joker all the time."

Chakwas face paled at what Shepard had said, and then she spoke. "Shepard, I am honestly troubled about this lust for combat that you have. As a friend…. you have me worried not only just for your own safety but the safety of those under your command."

Shepard suddenly reared up. "Look Doctor. I don't want to talk about it. I want…." Her eyes went towards the photo of Liara. Ari wanted Liara, she always was able to calm that brutal nature that she had. Chakwas followed Shepard's glance to the picture of Dr. T'soni.

There was a pause and Chakwas sighed. "I understand. Asari are very good at…"

Shepard growled. "Liara isn't just some random Asari like The Consort. She made it her point to…." Ari felt like a child again when tears came unbidden to her eyes, the tears of missing someone that had a piece of her soul. Yet, if Chakwas saw those tears, she didn't acknowledge it. Shepard would have passed it off as dust or grit getting in her eyes, if she had been questioned about it. "We had something special, Doctor. I feel like I am missing a part of myself."

Chakwas put a hand on her shoulder. "That's understandable, Shepard. After all, you are missing two years of your life. How does that make you feel?"

"Pissed off, Doctor. My life was stolen from me. Stolen by The Collectors and they will pay. I may not like Cerberus but they offered me a chance at revenge and revenge is all I have left."

Chakwas took a deep breath. "I see. I have your Psych evaluations from Torfan, Shepard. You were so bent on revenge against the Batarians that you took it out on your squad. Will you do the same toward the Collectors?"

"If it comes to that, Doctor. Then…yes. I will."

"Captain Ahab."

"Pardon me?"

Chakwas then said calmly. "A very old story." She then recited. "He piled upon the whale's white hump the sum of all the general rage and hate felt by his whole race from Adam down; and then, as if his chest had been a mortar, he burst his hot heart's shell upon it."

Chakwas then walked off leaving Shepard alone to her thoughts.

A/N: Something about Mass Effect2 always troubled me that Shepard is reanimated and then is expected to go on like nothing really happened and then Miranda and Jacob are like oh tell me about your past and then it's off to take on the Collectors. Yeah I get it, game time constraints but seriously. I would think that being brought back to life would seriously cause some psychological issues.