Prompt: If you don't mind writing fanfic about the team learn about what Deeks had to do to the clerk in Afghanistan to save them, and they try to talk to him about it?
Deeks yawned, rubbing the back of his hand over his eyes. It didn't make the words on his laptop screen any less blurry. He hadn't slept much since bringing Kensi home from Afghanistan three days ago.
Today was the first day they were back on active duty after following the requisite psych evals. As usual, Deeks had lied through his teeth, pushing down all his fear, trauma, and guilt to pass his and only provided a few tidbits to satisfy the psychologist.
In truth, he couldn't get the image of Kensi laying lifeless in a pool of her own blood. It didn't matter that he now knew the image was fake, it haunted his dreams, hence his exhaustion. Still, he was willing to put up with a thousand sleepless nights to have Kensi alive and well. Or at least on her way there.
The sound of several people coming down from OPS snapped Deeks out of his thoughts and he tried to refocus on his half-finished case report.
"Hey Deeks, you got a minute?" Callen asked as he, Sam, Eric, and Nell gathered in front of his desk. Something about his tone, purposely devoid of any specific emotion, instantly put him on edge. As did Nell's worried expression. She kept flicking glances in Eric's direction, apparently unable to help herself.
"Why do I feel like I'm about to face an inquisition," Deeks joked, not having the energy to carry off his usual sarcasm.
"We need to talk about something," Sam said, unusually vague.
"Yeah, I figured that much out." Deeks pushed himself back from his seat, folding his arms over his chest as he looked at each of them in turn. "Seriously, why the intervention?"
"Before we left Afghanistan, the interpreter who stayed with you approached me," Callen started. Deeks stilled, not needing him to finish to know what he was about to say. "He said you got a little…rough with your interrogation."
Guilt and shame suffused Deeks, and he dipped his head, unable to face them.
"You mean tortured," he whispered.
"That's not the word he used," Sam said. Oddly enough, he didn't sound judgmental.
"But it's essentially what happened." Far too late, Deeks remembered that they were in a very public place for this discussion. Nell must have read his expression because she stepped forward, resting her small hand on his.
"Deeks, don't worry, everyone else is gone for the night and I made sure to pause all video and audio feeds for now," she told him. "This conversation stays between the five of us." Even now, given what she knew, she was still protecting him.
"And we're not here to judge you," Sam added quietly. "We just want to know what happened."
"Makar didn't tell you?" That surprised him a little. Deeks knew Makar had anticipated he would go too far. He seemed like a good man and Deeks didn't fault him for reporting his actions to Callen. It was what an honest, moral man would do.
"No, he just said it got a little out of hand," Callen answered. "But the rest was your story to tell if you decided. So, what happened?"
Deeks pursed his lips, swallowing the acid that rose in his throat.
"I was questioning the cleric and um, I got the staged photo of Kensi…Uh, the picture that made it look like she died, and I snapped," Deeks explained in a low voice.
Eric hissed something under his breath, but Deeks ignored him.
"I yelled at him, kicked his chair down, pulled my gun on him, determined to make him pay for Kensi's death. And then, when he still wouldn't tell me anything, I tried to waterboard him." Deeks swallowed again, nausea rising in his stomach, and tears filling his eyes at the memory of what he'd done.
"Damn," Sam muttered.
"Makar tried to convince me to stop," Deeks continued doggedly. Now that he'd begun, he needed to get it all out. "He told me that it wouldn't change anything, that it wouldn't bring Kensi back, and the cleric would never talk, but I was too caught up in my anger and need for revenge."
"Something must have changed because you did stop, Makar told me that much and the cleric didn't have any noticeable injuries when we returned," Callen pointed out. "So what happened."
"I started pouring the water on him, and he was shaking, making the most horrible noises, anything to try to get free," He gasped softly, tears filling his eyes. "I couldn't keep doing that to him, no matter what he'd done or knew. I'm not that person."
There was a long silent after he finished, and he stared dully up at them. Nell had tears in her eyes and after hesitating a little, moved forward, bending across his desk to hug him. It caught him by surprise, and he remained stiff, barely returning her embrace.
"This is all our fault," Eric said quietly from behind her. At Deeks' confused look, he explained, "If we hadn't sent that picture to you—"
"Eric, don't you dare blame yourself. I'm responsible for my own actions and I demanded that you send me that picture even though you warned me it wasn't a good idea."
"Maybe, but we knew you were already in a stressful situation," Nell said, taking a step back. "We also knew that the picture might be fake. Hetty never should have given in and we shouldn't have sent it to you. That's on us."
"Either way, I crossed a line that I promised myself I never would, and I'll spend the rest of my life and whatever career I might after this, trying to make up for that," Deeks told them all.
"Relax, Deeks. We're not looking to get you kicked off the team or seeking formal action of any kind. I think we all know what it's like to cross a line when it comes to someone we care about." Callen glanced at Sam, who nodded back. "That being said, you need to talk someone about all of this. We all know how this kind of case can affect you in the long term. It doesn't have to be someone in-house."
"And that's it?"
"No. Remember you can always come to one of us if you need it," Sam added. "You're a good man, Deeks. Don't let one mistake define you."
Deeks nodded, appreciating their support, but he knew no amount of therapy, or apologies, would ever fix what he'd done to that cleric.
A/N: Obviously some of Deeks' thoughts are a reflection of his own feelings about himself rather than what I think or feel. Additionally, I almost feel that Deeks would have admitted what he did to Kensi, if not someone else not the team.
