JENNIE
"You don't look so good, sugar."
I look up from the cooler where I'm loading beer bottles from a case and give Grady a weak smile. "Nothing a box of Thin Mints won't fix," I tell him.
Or a vat of sherbert ice cream or Lisa walking in here right now, taking me in her arms in front of everyone, and telling me she loves me.
God, I'm so tired. And weary. I couldn't stand to look at her last night, and I wanted nothing more than to be away from her and out of her life.
I took my newly repaired VW and crashed at my sister's, and then I came to work at ten to get ready for the lunch shift, and I've been here for twelve hours now, staying long after the schedule dictated.
My anger and resolve are still there, but so is the sadness now. I miss her.
But I hate myself more.
I love her and want her, but…
I can't be around her.
She makes me laugh, and when I'm with her, I'm home. Like she's the only thing in my life I understand.
But I don't understand myself anymore. Someone has to fight for me for a change.
I'm not going back.
"You clocked out without closing the tab before you left last time," Grady says, pulling cash out of his wallet. "Here's your tip."
He slides a couple twenties across the bar, and I close the cooler and laugh under my breath, my eyes feeling heavy with fatigue.
"Grady, it didn't even occur to me," I tell him. "Don't worry about stuff like that. I'm just happy you're here."
Which is the truth. He saves me from having to force conversation with anyone else while I'm working. He doesn't flirt or make crude comments, and he likes my music on the jukebox.
I leave the money and clear off his empty bottle, popping the top of a new one and setting it in front of him.
"Hey, can I have two Buds?" someone calls, holding out money at the bar.
I head over, hearing the phone ring and seeing Yeji grab it.
Opening the cooler, I pull out the two Buds.
"Jennie?" Yeji repeats into the phone.
I glance over at her, setting the two beers down in front of the guy.
"Who's calling?" she asks.
I keep my eyes on her, my breathing going shallow as I take the guy's money and ring up his drinks.
"Lisa?" she says.
She casts me a look, and I shake my head. It's late, I've been gone since last night, and I'm actually surprised she hasn't come looking for me, making her pushy demands as usual.
"Yeah, she's not here," Yeji lies. "Her shift ended. Try her cell phone."
She hangs up, probably not waiting for her to say anything else and definitely not knowing that Lisa has already called my cell a few times today. She didn't leave messages, though, and she hasn't texted.
She approaches me. "What is going on?"
"Nothing."
She cocks her head, not believing me. "You look exhausted." She gently pushes my hair behind my ear as I wipe down the bar. "Have you eaten anything today?"
"I'm fine," I tell her. "Just tired."
"Is Haruto causing you more problems?"
I sigh, feeling my stomach grow shaky. I want to talk to someone, but I'm sick of being the girl with guy problems. I'm tired of Yeji worrying about me, and I don't want her to know. She already thinks Lisa is an ass, and for some reason, I hate that. I don't want to give her more ammo.
"Why is Lisa calling you?" she presses me.
I avoid her gaze, drop the dishcloth in the bucket of hot water, and grab a fresh one, wiping off the same liquor bottles I already did this afternoon.
I feel her eyes on me. "Jennie, what have you gotten yourself into?"
My chin trembles, and tears sting the backs of my eyes. "Nothing," I say, still not looking at her. "I'll be okay."
A server comes out of the kitchen with food, and I step around one of the other bartenders coming back with a new bottle of Captain from the liquor closet. I think for a moment, trying to figure out what I can do next, and finally bend over to retrieve a package of napkins from a cabinet. Tearing it open, I start to refill one of the containers on the bar.
"Go home," Yeji says, putting her hand over the container. "Get some sleep."
"I'm fine. I'd rather be here."
"If you don't go home, then go to your sister's," she suggests. "Just please get some rest. You work any more hours today, you're not going to be able to drive yourself home at all tonight. I'll see you tomorrow."
I open my mouth to argue, but she just shakes her head at me, knowing what I'm about to say.
"I'm not your mom," she points out, "but I'm as good as. You need sleep. Get some food from the kitchen and go. Please."
I do as Yeji says, make myself a sandwich I don't feel like eating, and climb into my car, turning on the engine. An Alice Cooper song is playing on the 80's station I'm tuned to, but I turn it off, not in the mood at all for the escape I usually crave.
Home. It takes me a good twenty minutes of driving aimlessly around town, lost in my head, before I commit to whose home I'm going to. I need clothes and my school books, and even though I don't want to see Lisa, Haruto, or his mother, I can't use my sister's make-up for another day. Everything has glitter in it.
As I pull onto Windy Park Place, I take in the stream of cars and trucks lining both sides of the street, as well as Lisa's full driveway. Some vehicles I recognize, some I don't, but I slide into a slot between two cars in front of Cramer's house, spotting the lights coming from over Lisa's fence in her backyard.
Haruto must be having a party. Super.
Leaving my purse in the car, I take my keys, lock it, and walk toward the house, wanting to be anywhere but here, but knowing I need to do this. My skin buzzes with awareness, and the hair on my arms rises as the music floods my ears. But I charge up the porch steps, still dressed in my backless blouse from work. I tighten my high ponytail and just hope with all the people here, Lisa and Haruto don't notice me come and go.
I enter the house and look around, seeing the back door bob closed as someone walks out, and then I hear the bathroom door close in the laundry room. The light under the door to the basement is on, and the chatter outside is almost as loud as the music. At least Haruto is keeping people out of the house, for the most part. Lisa is most likely not sleeping through this.
Gently stepping up the stairs, I walk quietly down the hallway, seeing Lisa's bedroom door closed and the light off inside. Haruto's door is also closed, and I open mine, peeking inside and seeing it empty. My bed is unmade from Haruto's mother sleeping in it last night, and I look around, using the light streaming in from outside to see. None of Rosé's things are in here, so maybe her apartment is done then. Leaving the light off, I grab my leather book bag and stuff in books and notebooks from my desk and start loading a duffel bag with clothes and anything else I'll immediately need.
"Thought I heard someone come in," a voice behind me says.
My heart stops, and I hesitate, instantly recognizing the voice. I close my eyes, willing him to go away.
Haruto wouldn't have invited him. He must be crashing the party.
Scissors sit on my desk in front of me, and I eye it, instinct kicking in.
"Haruto broke up with Yuna," Asahi tells me. "You gonna take him back?"
Broke up? Were they really together? I look down at my thumb, seeing the small scar in the darkness and barely feeling anything anymore. How he could always tug at my heart, but now, it seems like ages ago Haruto gave a damn about me. I can't even muster an ounce of longing tonight for the connection we once had.
Survival mode has kicked in. My brain is in control now, and it won't give me the keys to my heart until it's sure it can take it.
"You want a little revenge first?" Asahi taunts, and I can hear his voice growing closer. "Come on, Jennie. I'll give you a good fuck right now, right here."
"As opposed to the terrible lay you always were?" I retort.
He says nothing, but I can just imagine the little snarl playing on his lips and the tingle he's feeling in his hands that's begging him to make me pay for that remark.
Taking the scissors in my hand, I turn and twist it around in my fingers, playing with it as I look at him.
He stands just inside my doorway, dressed in his jeans and T-shirt with his cold eyes glaring at me under dark brows.
"What you must have told yourself to convince that pea brain inside your head that you made me come so good," I say coolly. "The three times we did it were so bad, I would lay there confused, and then amused, before finally breaking into tears that there was nothing about you that wasn't absolutely pathetic."
His top lip twitches, and right now, he's gauging how likely he is to get away with what he wants to do to me with a backyard full of witnesses right outside my window.
"Now I'm simply terrified for every woman I see you with," I continue, "but also secretly smiling, because I know after they fake how much they love your cock in bed, they're in the bathroom, fingering themselves to a mental image of any guy in town who's not you."
He lurches forward a step, and I straighten, dropping my hands and squeezing my fist around the scissors. His eyes flash to the tool, and he stops.
"Get out of my room," I tell him, my tone calm and even, "and don't ever speak to me again."
He hesitates a moment.
"Now," I state.
His chest caves with heavy breaths, and I can hear the anger fuming inside of him.
He wants to rush me so badly.
But I'm not even scared. I feel nothing.
It takes his pride a moment to realize he won't get far if I decide to scream, but after a moment, he backs away and finally turns, disappearing down the hallway. His footfalls hit the stairs, and I wait to hear the backdoor slam closed before I risk moving again.
He may not stay out of my way for good, but he has a track record of deciding I'm worth minimal effort before he moves on to someone else. Let's hope he keeps doing that.
I finish packing my clothes and slip into the bathroom, collecting my toothbrush, razor, and shampoo, stuffing everything into my bag and zipping it up. Swinging both bags onto my shoulder, I leave the room, resisting the urge to look back, and head down the stairs and into the living room.
Lisa stands just inside the front door, though, and I stop, both of our gazes locked on each other.
Shit. I was almost out of here.
"I was out looking for you," she says. "Just wanted to make sure you were okay."
Her gaze drops to my bags, and her fist curls around her keys. Her voice drops to a whisper. "Don't. Please."
"Don't what?" I step forward. "Don't leave or don't tell Haruto?"
The party rages outside, and we stand in the darkened room, locked in a no-win battle. It's simply a question of who gets hurt, and it's a choice she still thinks she can get out of making.
She wants me, but she's a coward.
"This had to end, right?" she chokes out, speaking only loud enough for me to hear. "In ten years, I'll be nearly fucking fifty. I'm not going to saddle you with that. This was going to end. You know it always was."
I do now. My eyes burn, tears welling, but it's strange. I'm not sure I'm sad. What she says is almost a comfort, because I know this story. I'm used to it.
I walk for the door.
"I'm not ready to let you go," she tells me, stepping in front of me. "Just not yet. I'm not done..." She searches for the words. "Talking to you and…loving you." She takes my shoulders, moving us behind the front door, my back against the closet. "Let's go somewhere. Just us. There's a midnight showing tonight. Let's go. Get out of here and away for a couple hours, and we'll talk."
I peer up at her. "Somewhere dark, right?"
In a theater where we won't be seen?
She looks at me like that's exactly what she was thinking, and she's sorry for that, but it's the way it is. "We'll figure it out." She plants her hands on both sides of my head on the door behind me and leans in. "Just not yet. Don't leave yet."
The numbness I've been feeling since last night wavers, and I hear her in my head. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere…
I have no doubt that's true. And will always be true. Lisa doesn't walk away from her responsibilities. She'll always look out for me.
And I can't think of anything I'd rather be less to her than an obligation. I can't be like Haruto or her job, her house or her bills. I'm not a duty.
I'm everything else.
"Do you love me?" I ask. "Are you in love with me?
She holds my eyes, and even in the dark, I can see her eyes are red, tired, and hurting. But when she opens her mouth, no words come out.
I shake my head. "It doesn't matter, I guess." I give up. "You have no courage, so you won't be forever." I stand up straight, tightening my hand around the straps of my bags. "And in the end, you'll wind up being nothing more than a waste of my time."
Her face falls, and she looks so completely deflated. She doesn't have the conviction to do anything. All she knows is she doesn't want me to go.
"Oh, this is too good," someone says. "So that's your kink, huh, Jennie?"
Lisa and I jerk our heads to see Asahi has just come out of the kitchen and stepped into the living room. Lisa drops her hands and stands up straight, fixing Asahi with a hard look.
"Come on, baby," Asahi taunts me, and I can smell the beer on his breath from here. "I'll be your daddy and you can open your legs for me, too, for a little rent money."
Lisa lunges for him, and I gasp. She grabs Asahi by the collar and whips him around, sending him flying through the storm door. Asahi barely even flinches, probably because he knew what he was doing.
My heart stops, seeing him stumble onto the porch and Lisa charge after him.
They both barrel down the stairs, a few people scattered around the lawn as they leave the party from the back gate or come in from their cars.
Asahi shoves Lisa away, but Lisa grabs his arm, throws her fist back, and comes down like a hammer, pounding Asahi in the face and sending him collapsing to the ground. I walk onto the porch, seeing the bystanders stop and watch, while others call out.
"What the hell's going on?" I hear Haruto's voice.
Glancing over, I spot him come out from the side of the house. I step up to the railing and watch Lisa, pulling Asahi up off the ground and throwing him into a car.
"Dada!" Haruto shouts, rushing up.
But no one else seems to notice him.
"Don't worry." Asahi laughs at Lisa, blooding trickling off his lip. "We can share the little whore."
Haruto turns to me. "Did Asahi hurt you?"
I guess it wasn't hard for him to figure out who the 'whore' was he was referring to. I say nothing.
Asahi turns his gaze on me, shouting, "Why don't you tell Haruto how cozy you and her dada have been here without him?"
"What?" Haruto looks between us, confusion etched on his face.
"I'll see you again, Jennie!" Asahi calls out, shoving Lisa's hand away and pulling out his car keys. "You'll be working at The Hook just like your sister, and I'll come in there and buy your ass. That's a prom—"
Another fist lands across his face, but it's not Lisa this time. Haruto has rushed over to him and sent him tripping backward to the sidewalk.
Asahi growls, spitting on the ground and bringing his hand to his lips and pulling it away, inspecting it.
"You knocked out one of my teeth!" he barks.
"Get out of here!" Haruto tells, throwing out his arms. "Go!"
Sweat glistens across Lisa's brow, and she looks at me with the same eyes she had the night we first slept together. When I straddled her on my bed, and she gazed up at me, giving in and giving me everything she had.
Everything else around us disappears. She grinds her fists at her sides, and her body is rigid, like she's about to charge me and pull me into her arms and carry me away.
"You two?" I hear Haruto say.
I blink, Lisa drops her gaze, and the spell is broken. Haruto stands between us, looking back and forth at us as people slowly disperse, and I see him start to connect the dots with the way we were just looking at each other.
"Jennie?" Haruto nudges for me to say something, but I just lower my gaze, unable to look at him.
Lisa swallows, breathing shallow. "Haruto—"
"Oh, fuck you," Haruto tells her, cutting her off and backing away.
Lisa takes a step but Haruto spins around and charges away, out of the yard and down the street.
Lisa doesn't follow. She knows her son at least as well as I do, and Haruto won't hear anything tonight. And what would Lisa say to make it better anyway? Damage is done.
Lisa stands there, staring after Haruto and looking like the life has been sucked out of her. What does she have now?
Pulling out my keys, I head down the porch stairs and walk to my car, not stopping or hesitating as I pass Lisa Manoban.
And she doesn't follow me, either.
I now know she meant what she implied last night. I'm not worth it.
I know everything is a mess, I type on my phone. Please know it wasn't about revenge. It just happened, and I'm sorry.
I've been staring at my phone for twenty minutes, trying to figure out what to say to Haruto. I'm logging off social media and only talking to my sister and select few others for a while. I need space and quiet. I just didn't want to go silent without something.
I'm not sorry it happened, but I am sorry if it hurt him. I reasoned with myself that he cheated on me, and I don't owe him anything.
But I don't want it to end like this. I'm fine with leaving. I'm fine with not seeing him right now.
I just needed him to know…. It wasn't about him.
Do you love her? His reply pops up.
Needles prick the back of my throat, and I press the Power button on the side of my phone, shutting it down.
I force the lump down my throat and stuff the phone in the side pocket of my bag and zip it up, closing my eyes to push back the tears.
--
Yeji enters the liquor room where I'm standing in front of a stack of beer crates, and instead of handing me my paycheck she went to go get, she takes a wad of cash and slips it into my bag without letting me see it.
After I crashed at my sister's again last night, I came here today to collect my pay before leaving. But judging by the stack of bills she just hid in my bag, she no doubt slipped me a lot more than what I'd earned.
If I fight her, it would just be a waste of energy. I make a mental note to work extra hours when I come back. Whenever that is.
"What are you going to do?" she asks, resting her hand on her hip and peering at me.
"I don't know."
"Where are you going?"
"I don't know."
She sighs, and I pull my bag up, swinging it over my shoulder.
"Normally that would scare me, but…" I trail off, thinking. "I don't want to keep doing anything I've been doing. I just want to wake up tomorrow and not recognize anything about my life." I raise my eyes, looking at her. "And please don't give me some lecture on how I'm running away, floundering, letting others control what I feel…"
She takes my shoulders, speaking firmly. "Run," she tells me flatly. "Run far away. Just go. Call if you need anything, okay?"
I nod, thankful she understands. "Can you tell Irene not to worry? I'm fine, and I'll call her."
"You're not going to see her?"
Tears threaten, and I veer around Yeji and out of her grasp, walking out of the liquor room. "I can't."
If I think too long, or I look at her face, I'll chicken out. Lisa told me once 'hit the ground running." I'm sure this isn't what she meant, but I'm going for it.
Jennie Kim doesn't leave her job. She doesn't jump into a rundown, unreliable vehicle and hit the road with nowhere to go. And she's certainly too afraid to ever be alone.
If I think, I won't do it. I'm going. No turning back. Maybe I'll come back tomorrow, the next day, or next week, but the longer I keep my foot on the gas, the farther I'll be from who I was.
I stop at the bar and pick up my sweater that I'd laid on a stool.
"I know it hurts," Yeji says, coming up behind me. "You were happy."
"I'll be fine." I hook the sweater over my bag, avoiding her eyes. "She wasn't my first."
"Yes, she was."
I stop and look over at her, the knots in my stomach tightening.
"You don't have to say anything, but you know…" she continues, "you didn't feel this with Haruto or Asahi or anyone else."
I look away again, biting the corner of my mouth to keep my feelings in check.
I'll get over her. And very soon, every memory will fade, all her words and how every touch felt. It'll all fade.
"But let me tell you something, girl," she goes on, speaking low and discreet for the few customers in the place. "What you feel for her or anyone else isn't what you need. This—" she taps my chest over my heart, "what you're feeling right now—is the best thing that can happen to you. Because when all the pieces of your heart start to come back together, and they will, they'll be stronger. And much tougher for someone to pierce." She pushes my hair behind my ear in the way she always does. "So you can be sure that when someone finally does, he'll have worked for it. We don't need food to survive this life as much as we need our hearts broken at least once. But the best part is, the first break is always the worst. It'll never feel this bad again."
And for that, I'm glad.
But it also makes me wonder…. If my heart will never break this badly again, then will I love anyone like I loved Lisa Manoban?