"Thank you all very much for coming," said Crane to the assembled henchmen at his hideout. "Tonight I'll be talking you through my Halloween scheme. Think of it as a script read-through, for those of you who are theatrically inclined."
"I think that's just me, Johnny," spoke up Harley, smiling at him.
"Well, you always were a special case, my dear," said Crane, smiling back. "Anyway, the setup really is fairly straightforward, but please do ask any questions you might have. After my last scheme, I want to make sure there's no room for confusion among my henchmen. And women," he added, with a nod at Harley and Lindsay.
"Don't worry, Dr. Crane, I'm taking notes," said Lindsay eagerly, gesturing to the open notebook in front of her.
"Yes, that's very…enterprising of you, my dear," said Crane, slowly. "So let's begin," he said, gesturing to the screen behind him. "As many of you probably know, I traditionally try and attack Gotham's water supply for Halloween – introducing fear gas into the water system at various locations so mass terror is assured from the unsuspecting citizens who utilize it. Unfortunately, Batman has become wise to this scheme, which necessitates changing it up this year. I still want the potential for mass terror which attacking the water supply would generate, which means attacking a similarly dependable and vital resource – in this case, the food supply. On the run up to Halloween, candy sales go through the roof, which is why I've purchased a chocolate factory outside of town. The reason I need reliable and numerous henchmen is to help me run that factory, and contaminate the candy with fear toxin before releasing it to an unsuspecting public. We have two weeks until Halloween, which is plenty of time for the chocolate to be made and distributed to the stores, which means on Halloween night, all we'll have to do is sit back and enjoy the screaming."
"Do we have to wear Oompa Loompa costumes?" asked Harley, raising her hand. "If we're gonna be working in a chocolate factory and all."
"No, but you're certainly welcome to wear whatever you like, my dear," said Crane. "Although permit me to say that an Oompa Loompa costume wouldn't be particularly flattering on you."
"I really don't think it's flattering on anyone," said Harley. "But if Mr. J was doing this scheme, he'd totally embrace the Willy Wonka concept, and he'd demand that his henchmen were dressed like Oompa Loompas."
"Well, it's not Joker's scheme," retorted Crane. "It's mine, and I'm certainly not going to wear a ridiculous purple suit like Willy Wonka, or the Joker. It wouldn't suit me at all."
"No, it wouldn't," spoke up Lindsay. "It would be brash and garish and nothing like you, Dr. Crane. You look the most handsome in harvest colors, not some sickly purple hue."
"Well, I guess it does take someone of Mr. J's complexion to pull it off," agreed Harley. "And his bright, fun, carefree attitude."
"I have a bright, fun attitude," said Crane, defensively. "Sometimes."
"Dr. Crane is a serious-minded man, which suits the genius that he is," gushed Lindsay. "The Joker just can't compare to his level of intellect."
"Actually, I think he can," said Harley. "Mr. J's the greatest genius who ever lived. No disrespect to Johnny, of course, but he just can't compete with him."
"Then why don't you go back to him, and leave us alone?" demanded Lindsay, in a suddenly hostile tone.
"Because I…said I'd help out Johnny for Halloween," stammered Harley, taken aback by the vitriol in her voice. "Is that a problem for you, Lindsay?"
"If it's not a problem for Dr. Crane, it's not a problem for me," replied Lindsay. "But I wonder if that's the real reason you're with him now instead of the Joker."
"And what's that supposed to mean?" demanded Harley. "You calling me a liar?"
"No, I think you're a very bright woman," said Lindsay. "And I think you've finally seen the light on who the smartest supercriminal in this town is. I mean, let's face it, Batman's enemies are a dime a dozen, but there's only one with the intellectual capacity to challenge him. Joker's schemes are all very well, but they're not the most thought-provoking. Dr. Crane gets inside Batman's head, just like he gets inside everyone's head. He understands their fears, and what makes them what they are, and that's why he's Batman's most effective enemy. You can tell just by looking at Batman that he has a million psychological problems, and Dr. Crane is the man who's going to ultimately unmask and destroy him, because he knows how to diagnose those psychological problems. He's going to break his mind eventually, and I think you're a clever, ambitious woman who wants to be on the winning team when that happens."
"And you think it's gonna happen before Halloween?" asked Harley, skeptically. "Yeah, I don't, but nice try at some amateur psychological diagnosis there. I don't think you're ready for grad school yet if you're still doing the basic armchair psychology thing."
"I think you just don't fully understand yourself and your motivations yet," said Lindsay.
"You think I don't understand myself?" repeated Harley, incredulous. "The qualified shrink?"
"Yes, and you were mistaken in that, weren't you?" asked Lindsay. "It turns out your personality wasn't suited to psychology, since you threw it all away for your insane patient and elected to share in his madness instead of helping to cure him. You thought at the time that psychology was the right path for you, and you were wrong. If you didn't know yourself then, what makes you think you know yourself now? You haven't continued to engage in psychiatry, not like Dr. Crane has. He's never wavered from his path – he's used his skills as a psychiatrist and a professor even more successfully since he became the Scarecrow. But you wasted yours when you became Harley Quinn. And you insist on claiming she's the authentic you, but who's to say if she is?"
"I do," spoke up Crane. "I've known Harley a long time now, and while I can't always agree with her choices, I can tell you she's never been anything but honest about them. If you respect me as a psychiatrist, you should respect Harley too, since I trained her."
"Of course, Dr. Crane," said Lindsay, nodding. "Anything you say."
"Right, well…you have the chocolate factory's address," said Crane, pointing to the address written on the board. "I'll see you there first thing tomorrow, at 8 AM sharp. Good evening, everyone."
"Dr. Crane, can I have a word?" asked Lindsay, cornering him as he tried to leave the room.
"Of course, Miss Walsh," he said, forcing a smile. "What's on your mind?"
"Could we speak privately?" she asked, gesturing to a nearby door.
"Um…certainly," said Crane, entering the room. "Did you have a question about the scheme?"
"No, that's pretty straightforward," said Lindsay, shutting the door after them. "I just wanted to have a talk with you like in our sessions. They were always very helpful to me."
"Well, I'm not exactly in the mood for giving out free therapy," said Crane. "And I'm really not interested in exchanging therapy for employment, if that's the kind of arrangement you were hoping for."
"No, that's not the kind of arrangement I'm hoping for," replied Lindsay, turning to face him. "I told you, I'm hoping to repay you for everything you've done for me. Did you know after I was humiliated at that party, after I hit you over the head and knocked you out, I stole one of your fear gas vials? Batman didn't notice it, but I took one, and I fear gassed the boy who had helped humiliate me, the boy I always wanted to like me but who never would, not while gorgeous, cheerleader Heather was around. His phobia was claustrophobia, and so I invited him to a cemetery later and fear gassed him, and left him in the grave I had dug for him earlier, buried alive. His crazed, muffled screams were music to my ears after what he had done to me. And nobody ever knew what I had done to him, since he had already died of fright when they finally found him."
"Well, I'm…pleased you took your revenge in your own way," said Crane, slowly. "Perhaps the punishment didn't exactly fit the crime in this case – just terrorizing him would have sufficed for me rather than murder…"
"Oh no, he deserved to die," interrupted Lindsay. "For pretending to be my friend, when all along he was going to stab me in the back for that heartless bitch Heather. I had known him since childhood, and he was a kind, decent, smart young man until she sank her claws into him. Men can be so stupid when they're ruled by their bodies rather than their brains. But you aren't like that, Dr. Crane," she added, approaching him with a kind of wild passion in her eyes. "You're the most intelligent man I've ever met, a man of logic and cold rationality. That's the only kind of man I'm attracted to anymore."
"Miss Walsh…" began Crane.
"Call me Lindsay," she murmured, sliding her hands up his chest.
"Lindsay," repeated Crane, seizing her wrists and pushing her firmly away from him. "If you respect me as a man of logic and cold rationality, you know I would never become romantically involved with one of my employees. That would only cause unnecessary complications, which an intelligent man wishes to avoid."
"But don't you see that we're the same, Dr. Crane?" she whispered. "We've both been bullied and abused by the world, and we're both intelligent enough to take our revenge on it by breaking the minds of those lesser than us. Our relationship would be one of intellectual equals, of people who understand each other's pain and agree on the best way to avenge it…"
"But it would be an irrational relationship," interrupted Crane. "And I'm not an irrational man."
"It's a completely rational relationship, if you just think about it," murmured Lindsay, gazing into his eyes. "Two people who have been rejected by society, who don't fit into society's norms, which is the glue that binds their misfit love together. Why else would we both have been made to suffer the same torments, if we weren't meant to be?"
"I hardly think we're the only man and woman in the world to have been bullied or excluded," said Crane. "That doesn't seem like a particularly rational basis for a relationship to me. And love isn't primarily rational, of course, which is why I avoid it."
"I think our love can be rational," murmured Lindsay. "What could be more rational? We're not basing it on silly, mindless, transient feelings. We have the perfect match of two identical intellects, a true meeting of the minds. What irrational love could compete with that? What insane emotion could compete with a relationship founded on mutual respect for each other's brains? Our love is the only logical conclusion I can come to. Please believe there's nothing I wouldn't do for you, and there's nothing I wouldn't do to prove my loyalty and love for you. We're perfect for each other, and I think in time you'll come to see that, as I have. And I know you won't betray me for some dumb blonde bimbo…"
The door opened at that moment and Harley popped her head inside. "Johnny, I need to see you about that thing we discussed earlier," she said.
"Yes, of course, my dear," said Crane, eager to escape from Lindsay. "I'll see you tomorrow, Miss Walsh…Lindsay…" he corrected, hurriedly leaving with Harley following.
Crane let out a sigh of relief as the door closed. "Thank you, Harley," he said, smiling at her. "She had me cornered, and was spouting all this rubbish about how we're meant to be…"
"Yeah, I could see from the way she was looking at you during the meeting that she's got it bad," said Harley. "It's the same look I have when looking at Mr. J. But I remembered what you said earlier about not wanting to be romantically involved with her, and I thought you'd like an excuse to get outta there."
"I could kiss you for it," agreed Crane, sincerely.
"You can, on the cheek," said Harley, pointing. Crane gladly did so. "Anyway, you want me to fire her?" continued Harley. "I'd be happy to do it after she disrespected me."
"Yes, but she's very clearly unstable," said Crane. "I think firing her would probably ignite the spirit of vengeance in her, and I don't want to end up like her last victim," he said, recalling what she had said about the boy who had betrayed her. "We'll just put her to work in the factory like the rest, and then after Halloween decide not to renew her contract. We'll find some plausible pretext while she's working in the factory – some kind of health and safety violation or something."
"You're the boss," said Harley, shrugging. "Now let's go check out this factory of yours. If it doesn't have a chocolate river, we're gonna make one. I've been around Mr. J too long not to embrace this whole Willy Wonka idea like he would…"
Lindsay had opened the door after Crane and Harley had left, and saw them whispering together. When she saw Crane kiss Harley's cheek, the fury sparked in her, but it was a simmering, slow-burning fury, like the last time she had plotted her revenge. "You won't betray me for some dumb blonde bimbo, Dr. Crane," she hissed. "I won't let you."