Chapter 18: Tired

32 years before Encanto

"Maybe you would be a white camelia." Agustin told Julieta, the two of them sitting on the grassy hill together, her tan legs intertwined with his long ones as her back rested against his chest.

"What's that one mean?" Julieta looked back at Agustin with a smile, her head on his shoulder and keeping still as Agustin gently wove flowers through her long curly hair.

"It means you're adorable." He told her, rubbing his nose against hers. Julieta bit her lip as she smiled.

She shuffled in his lap so she could turn to face him, arms around his shoulders now.

"Or maybe gardenia." Agustin decided, looking into her dark eyes. "That means secret love."

Julieta exhaled, closing her eyes as her forehead touched his. "Hm. That's us."

The horse nickered from where it stood nearby eating grass, reminding Julieta that it was getting late.

"I need to go home to cook." Julieta gave him a quick kiss, before getting up. "Mama will wonder if I'm gone too long."

Agustin tripped as he climbed to his feet and Julieta grabbed his arm, holding him steady. He grinned sheepishly at her.

"Cuidado." She smiled, face close to his. She gave him another kiss before leading him over to the horse.

Agustin sat up the front, even though Julieta was smaller, because that way she could hold tight and stop him from falling off. He was clumsy, but she didn't mind. Julieta loved her Honeycomb.

That night

The four of them snuck into town together, hoods of their ruanas covering their faces as they arrived at the fiesta. Music filled the air and lights illuminated the streets, which bustled with people.

"Dios. Here we go again." Bruno held his breath, cheeks puffed and fingers crossed as he stepped out into the street, then exhaled heavily.

He'd felt really nervous when Julieta had invited him to sneak out again. It'd been years, and Bruno's confidence wasn't what it once was.

Besides, he'd really gotten closer with Mamá the past couple years. It felt wrong to break the rules now.

Agustin grinned, grabbing a bucket someone had left nearby and bringing it over.

"Look what I found, Hernando!" He held it up proudly.

Bruno perked up at the sight of the bucket, taking it in his hands and looking it over fondly.

"Ah, but this is not Hernando." Bruno explained, then dumped it over his head, his voice echoing. "This is Jorge! And he likes to dance the bambuco."

The two of them laughed, dancing and stepping in time. Agustin put an arm around his friend as they headed into the crowd together to get drinks for themselves and the girls.

Julieta watched them with a smile, then turned back to Pepa. Her sister was watching the crowd with wide and frightened eyes, a cloud over her head as she combed fingers though her hair.

"You love dancing." Julieta encouraged, but that just made Pepa feel worse. She didn't like to be reminded of all the things she used to like.

These days all Pepa felt like doing was sleeping, laying in bed and reading books. The clouds had become so heavy that they weighed down on her, leaving her exhausted all the time.

Pepa didn't have the energy to face the world like she used to, because it felt like the world didn't want her. But she liked the books, because Pepa could escape into the stories and find places where she did belong, and characters that loved her.

Truth be told Pepa had only come out tonight because she hadn't wanted to be the only one who didn't, but the thought of Mama catching them again terrified her.

She'd had an argument with Mama just before bed, so Pepa knew she was already pushing her luck.

"I'm tired, Juli." Pepa mumbled, arms crossed now as she watched the crowd.

Julieta gently stroked soft long ringlets from her sister's face. Pepa didn't usually wear her hair out because of the rain, but when she did it looked beautiful.

"Do you want to sit down?" Julieta offered Pepa a hand. "Come on. We can watch Jorge dance."

Pepa couldn't help but smile at the mention of Jorge. Their brother's fun persona often came out in tense moments, because he always knew how to make them laugh.

She took Julieta's hand and her sister led her over to some nearby steps, sitting down together.

Raindrops pattered over them and Julieta turned to Pepa in concern.

"Sorry." Pepa whispered, wiping her eyes. "I'm scared."

"You want to go home?" Julieta offered, gently rubbing her sister's back.

Pepa took a deep breath, then shook her head. She longed for the safety of her bed, but didn't want to feel left out either.

"Clear skies." Pepa closed her eyes, stroking fingers through her hair. "Clear skies."

There was a loud cheer from the crowd and the sisters both turned to see Jorge taking off his bucket as villagers filled it with drinks. They chanted in encouragement as Bruno began to drink from the bucket, Agustin patting his back, cheering and trilling.

"Hm." Julieta commented with an amused smile, head against Pepa's shoulder. "It the might be a big night."

Alma sat in the window with Candle, back against the side of the windowsill as she stared up at the moon.

Her mind reeled as she went over and over the things she'd shouted at Pepa tonight. Alma knew she'd been too hard on her.

She sighed. For someone who was trying to reconnect with her daughter, Alma really was doing a terrible job of it.

What was she supposed to do to fix it? Alma tried to think of what a good mother would do, but it was hard to imagine.

She knew what a bad mother would do, Alma thought with a scoff, then hesitated. Okay, if that's the case, then what would be the opposite of what her own mother would do?

Alma hopped down from the windowsill, feeling hopeful. She decided to go against everything she knew, return to her daughter's room and tell Pepa she was sorry.

Alma took steady breaths as she came out of Pepa's empty room. It's fine, she was probably in Bruno's tower. She always went up there when she was upset.

Alma hurried up the steps, cursing softly under her breath at how unfit she'd become. Finally reaching Bruno's room, Alma came in breathless, her face dropping as she found no one in there either.

They'll be sleeping with Julieta. She told herself, hurrying back down the stairs.

Don't panic, don't panic.

Alma wiped her eyes with shaky hands, her breath catching and heart racing.

They were gone.

Had they finally had enough of Alma and run away? Did they hate her so much that they were done with her? Alma didn't blame them. She felt desperate to know where they'd gone. Desperate to know they were safe.

Alma's heart dropped as she imagined whether or not they had run away into the forest. Her blood ran cold at the thought. They might've, if they wanted to get far enough away from Alma.

What if the horse riders were still out there?

A lot of time had passed now, so they may have built up settlements, occupied all the neighbouring towns. They may have soldiers patrolling the mountains and the forest during the night, murdering anyone who crossed their path. Her soft babies wouldn't understand cruelty like that. They wouldn't know to run.

Alma gasped for breath, but there just wasn't enough air. The panic stopped her mind from thinking rationally as it flooded Alma with horrible images. Bruno standing in front of his sisters at the river, holding up his hands to defend them as horse riders approached with swords. Pepa's body on the road, tears and a look of fear still on her face as her back bled from whoever had cut her while she tried to run away. Julieta running through the streets, desperate to save everyone but unable to. Getting thrown by an explosion, her little body hitting the street and rolling to a stop.

Alma's vision was blurred by tears as she checked every last corner of Casita, her body shaking so hard it was difficult to open and close the doors, so Casita helped.

It clacked tiles at Alma, trying to tell her something, but Alma was too distressed to notice. She stumbled out into the cold night, sobbing and gasping as she ran down the street.

Sofia moaned softly at the sound of banging at her front door. She cuddled closer to Gabriel, head against his shoulder.

"Will you get it?" She mumbled.

"And get murdered?" He chuckled. "Honestly. Who else would be knocking at this hour?"

The knocking got louder, and then stopped. Sofia sighed in relief, then screamed as a face suddenly appeared at their bedroom window, hand tapping loudly on the glass.

"Dios, Alma." Sofia muttered, letting her through the window. "How did you even get up there?"

Alma climbed into the room, hand over her mouth as she broke down into tears. Sofia's expression softened and she held her, feeling how much Alma was shaking. "Hey... Hey, it's okay."

"Are they here?" Alma managed to gasp. "Please, I won't do anything. They can stay here, I just-" her voice broke and she sobbed, holding tight to Sofia.

"The triplets?" Sofia asked, and Alma nodded, swallowing hard as she tried not to look her friend in the eye. Alma felt so ashamed.

"It's my fault." Alma sobbed. "It's all my fault. I drove them away."

They could already be dead. Life was like that. Alma knew it was. People got killed every day, over nothing. Good people. Young people. Death doesn't need a reason.

"Hey, it's alright." Sofia kissed her head, holding her tight. "Did you already check the party?"

Alma almost choked. She pulled away so she could look Sofia in the eyes."What?"

"There's a party tonight." Sofia told her.

"It's in town square." Gabriel confirmed. "They probably just went to it, Alma."

Alma's eyes darkened and suddenly all the anxiety and heartbreak inside of her projected instead into anger and betrayal.

Surely they wouldn't have? They couldn't. Alma felt her blood boil.

"Alma, wait!"

Sofia reached for her, but Alma climbed back out the window and down the wall, running through the streets.

"You gotta jump right when I lift you." Bruno explained, his words slurred from all the drinks.

"I am too heavy for you, Brunito." Pepa told him with a laugh. "And you are drunk."

"No it'll be good." Bruno insisted, holding his hands ready. "The drink makes me stronger."

He braced himself as his sister ran to him. Pepa reached Bruno and he grabbed her hips, lifting her up while Pepa leapt. She extended her arms, her legs straight as Bruno held her up over his head for just a moment, then his arms became weak and they fell, Pepa landing on top of Bruno as he caught her.

Julieta cheered for them, watching as her siblings clambered back to their feet. She tossed them each an arepa from her bag. They ate it with grateful smiles, then continued to dance together.

Julieta turned back to Agustin, standing on her toes so she could kiss him. Agustin smiled, crouching down so he could wrap arms around Julieta's waist, lifting her up into his arms. He stumbled just a little, but then steadied himself.

"Careful, little bee." Julieta smiled, hands in his hair now as she leaned in, kissing Agustin.

The familiar shout stopped them all in their tracks, and they turned to look.

"What is going on?"

It immediately began to storm.

Their faces fell as they saw Alma, fierce eyes glistening with tears and chest heaving as she caught her breath. Lightning flashed, illuminating up Alma's furious face.

"It wasn't them, Mama!" Julieta jumped from Agustin's arms and ran over, desperate to to show Alma she was telling the truth. "It was me. I wanted to go. It was my idea-"

Alma grabbed Julieta's arms and her daughter froze, closing her eyes in terror. She wasn't used to being in trouble, and didn't know what to do.

Pepa sobbed, hands twisting her hair as she watched Julieta. Bruno hugged tight to Pepa and leaned into her, rainwater dripping from his shaggy hair as he watched Mama from under the clouds.

Bruno felt grateful to the alcohol for numbing this experience. It gave him the confidence to not be afraid of Mama, but it also made him very angry at her. Bruno was tired of them getting in trouble for every single thing that they did. He was tired of he and his sisters being afraid. They'd had fun, it wasn't fair that everything always had to turn out negative.

"Clear that cloud, Pepa." Alma instructed in a sharp tone. Pepa took a shuddering breath and nodded.

Julieta felt overcome with guilt, knowing she'd put her siblings in this situation.

"I'm the one who wanted to go to the party, Mama. Not them." She pleaded. "It's not fair for you to-"

"Shut up!" Harsh words came from Alma before she could stop them, her breath shaky and heart aching. "I don't want another word from you."

Julieta the winced because Mama's grip was so tight. She went quiet, head hanging in shame. Alma let her go.

Pepa's feet shuffled a little, her heart longing to run to her sister, but she was too frightened to move.

"You." Alma's eyes darted to Agustin, who looked pale and terrified as Alma pointed a finger, lightning flashing around them. "Don't ever come near my children again. You hear me?"

Agustin nodded quickly.

Despite their fear, the triplets spoke up in protest to defend Agustin.

"It's not his fault!"

"Mama, he's our friend!"

"He did nothing wrong! Please-"

"Shut up!" Alma shouted, hands pressing into her head in stress. "Just shut up!"

The three of them fell silent.

"Go home!" She threw a hand to Agustin, and he turned, tripping on his own feet and falling, then clambering up and sprinting off as fast as he could.

"You will not see that boy again." Alma turned to Julieta.

"Please Mama, it was us!" Pepa pleaded. "We made Julieta come. It was our idea!"

"Don't you dare, Pepa!" Alma snapped. "I've had enough of you two causing trouble. Now Julieta's acting out too. I'm tired of it."

Bruno frowned, feeling betrayed. What did she mean, the two of them causing trouble? Bruno had been so good. He'd even started to think of Mama as his friend.

"This isn't fair!" Bruno shouted, the alcohol giving him the courage to say things he normally would never.

"No, what isn't fair is that I thought you were dead!" Alma shouted back, her voice shaking as she forced back tears. "You understand that? I thought you'd been killed."

"It's just a party, Mama." Bruno reasoned. "It's safe in town-"

"Nowhere is safe!" Alma put emphasis on each word, her eyes gleaming with hurt. "That is what you don't understand. What you can never understand."

She turned to her children, unable to stop her tears now.

"You have grown up with the privilege of believing you are safe." She told them. "The innocence that nothing bad will happen to you. That your life will not be turned upside down, or ended, with no warning. No reason."

Alma took a shuddering breath, wiping her eyes. "But the truth is, none of that is real. It can happen. It does happen. And if it does, I want to know that my children are close by, in their beds, so I can try to protect them. I don't want our Casita to be burned, broken into, and I cannot save you because you are out in the streets, at some stupid party!"

"Sorry." Julieta whispered.

Alma softened as she saw Julieta's hurt expression and trembling body. There were red marks on her arm from where Alma had grabbed her.

Alma's stomach turned with guilt. Her daughter was so soft, so gentle. Alma knew Julieta was taking in everything she was saying, as she always did. She could see the harsh truth hurting Julieta's kind heart.

Alma took a slow breath, trying to calm down.

"Mija... You are a good girl." Alma gently put a hand to Julieta's cheek as she tried to reason with her. "You can't just go and do bad things like this. The town relies on you. This family relies on you. You are the one that keeps us strong. The one perfect-"

"Mama, don't!" Julieta whispered. She glanced over at Pepa and Bruno. Alma hesitated, suddenly overcome with regret.

Rain fell but it didn't thunder anymore. Pepa looked away, feeling broken. Bruno held onto her, staring at Alma with furious eyes.

"If you hate us so much, we'll just go." Bruno's voice was bitter, rain and tears dripping down his face as he took Pepa's hand and began to lead her away.

What? Alma panicked, her anxiety coming back tenfold as her imagined scenario suddenly became reality.

"Wait." Alma said quickly. "No. Don't go - You will not-"

"You don't want us." Bruno said as he waved a finger at Alma, before pointing towards town. "The village doesn't want us. Nobody wants us."

Julieta watched her siblings with a hurt expression.

"I do." Julieta whispered, but she was too quiet and Bruno was too upset for it to stop him.

"Come on Pepa, we're leaving." Bruno said between tears, dragging Pepa behind him. She turned to him with wide and frightened eyes, her movements stiff as she followed.

Alma quickly ran for them and stood in the way, blocking Bruno from getting past.

"You don't know what it is like out there." Alma pleaded. "You don't know what your papa and I had to do to get here, how much we had to endure. You think I'm asking too much for you to control your powers and keep a few people happy? Out there, people disappear in the night, or their bodies lie dead in the streets."

Bruno frowned and kept walking, dragging Pepa along with him. Alma hurried with them, eyes desperate as she stood in front again.

"They torched our home, Brunito." Alma spoke quickly. "Bombs went off in the streets. They chased us on horseback, into the river, and-"

"That's your life, Mama." Bruno told her, the alcohol made him harsher than normal. "Not ours."

Alma's mouth trembled, trying to hold onto her son's arm as they kept walking, but he was too strong.

"But that's the point!" Alma cried. "I don't want that life for you! I want you to stay here, where you are safe. The Encanto is the only place where you are safe. You leave this town, you pass those mountains, you are dead-"

"Good! I wish I was dead!" Bruno shouted without thinking, then stopped. He hasn't meant to tell Mama that.

Thunder crashed and lightning flashed up their silhouettes as Pepa sobbed, hiding her face against Bruno.

Alma went silent.

Bruno stared back at Alma, his chest heaving as tears and rainwater rolled down his face.

Julieta put hands over her mouth. It felt like her whole world was falling down around her.

"You think I like being the bad guy?" Bruno asked Alma, his voice soft. "I used to pray every night for the green man to come, begging him to save us. And then I got older, and I realised." His voice became quiet, eyes on the floor now. "The green man was just me. Just Bruno. And no one was coming to save us."

Alma took a shaky breath as rain poured over her. She glanced at her daughters, then back to her son, knowing she had caused their unhappiness.

"I'm sorry." She whispered.

They all watched her, so Alma took a deep breath, willing herself to be brave.

"Im sorry." Alma tried again, her voice filled with emotion. "I'm sorry I made your life so hard, until you wanted to be saved from it. Im sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry I made you wish you were..." She couldn't say it without breaking down into tears.

"I don't wish that for you." Alma managed to say, desperate eyes returning to her children. "I love you." She sobbed, rain dripping from her face. "You know that, right?"

Her children stared back at her.

"I love you." Alma said it again, stronger this time. "You are my whole world. The reason I get up in the morning. The reason I keep doing this. The reason I didn't just die in that river too." Her head dropped, tears running down her cheeks. She took a shaky breath and looked back up at them. "But I am tired. I am so, so tired. And I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I want to be good to you, but it's like I'm forced to be the villain, every time. So if there is a better way to do this, tell me. Please. Open my eyes."

The triplets watched her in silence, gathered together.

There was a moment, then Pepa spoke up.

"Do you really?" She asked softly.

"What?" Alma gasped.

"Do you really love us?" Pepa asked again, her expression sincere. "All of us. Not just- Mm." Her eyes shifted. "Do you love all of us?"

Alma shuddered, wiping her eyes as she nodded.

"Yes." She told them.

She could see the longing in Pepa's eyes, so Alma found the courage to say what she'd wanted to say at the start of the night.

"I'm sorry, Pepa." Alma told her. "I love you."

Pepa watched her quietly.

"I love you, Julieta." Alma continued. "I'm sorry."

She turned to her son, unable to stop the tears now. "I love you Brunito... and I am-" She took a breath, "So sorry... I don't want you to leave."

Bruno swallowed, his expression soft now. He glanced at his siblings, then back to Alma.

"I love you too, Mama." He admitted.

"Same." Julieta added. "And we're sorry too."

"We're ready to come home." Bruno agreed.

Alma gave them a shaky smile, then turned to Pepa, unsure what would happen.

Pepa held onto her hair, shoulders stiff as she watched from under a cloud. Then she slowly stepped forward, and hugged Mama.

Alma gasped in surprise, holding onto her daughter.

"I love you, Mami." Pepa whispered, and Alma was unable to stop herself from crying.