"I do have to tell you before we start that there is a cut off for age unfortunately, and your file says-"

"Oh, god! No. I'm not..The thing is, my partner wants..my partner and I..the thing is, is that.."

The doctor very subtly seemed to gesture to the rainbow flag stuck to her desk. Caroline supposed she was trying to indicate that it was a safe space, except it wasn't a Caroline safe space. Her first time mentioning to a doctor she was with a woman and it was like this!

"My partner..my..Kate. Kate has had 4 miscarriages and-"

"Oh, I'm so sorry."

Caroline was startled at the genuine feeling behind her words. Why was she sorry? Why was she saying that to her? She hadn't been...well, she hadn't known Kate then, but it suddenly hit her how devastated Kate would have been. Her heart ached so much for her that she wanted to cry. And if there had been 4 children racing around Kate, would she have stayed with Richard? Would they have met? Would she have been as gracious taking them on as Kate had with the boys?

"Dr Elliot?"

"Sorry. Umm..my..she..Kate…she would like to try again, one last time, and I suppose I just want to..discuss the best way forward."

"..but you haven't brought her with you?"

"….No. i just… i need to understand the scientific..I need to know the un-sugar coated facts. I need the statistics."

"Kate, are you home?"

Kate appeared in the doorway of the kitchen still in her work clothes, a mug of tea in hand. "Where did you get to? I came to your office at 4 and Beverley said you'd left."

Dropping her bag, Caroline took strides towards Kate and kissed her deeply, hands on her cheeks. "I love you."

Kates cheeks grew rosy with happiness at the unexpected declaration. "I love you, too. But now I really want to know where you were."

"Can we wait until after dinner to discuss it?"

"Caroline." Kate was nervous now. "Please."

Caroline stroked Kate's cheek, her stomach in knots thinking about her miscarrying, or her trying and trying again and still losing them. Why had it hit her in the middle of a doctor's office? Was she that disconnected from her feelings that she hadn't cared initially? No. She had cared. But she hadn't felt. "I love you."

Said with such feeling that a small smile pulled at Kates lips. "Caroline.."

"I went to the doctors. I'm fine. Everything is fine. I just…needed to talk some things through. Now, let's finish making dinner, and I will tell you everything once the boys have gone to bed."

"You haven't…you don't .. you still want…"

"I still want a child. With you."

It was the first time Caroline had actually said those words, and Kate felt some panic that she had locked away begin to disappear. "With me?"

"Yes, with you. Are there any other people who want to have a child with me that I'm not aware of?"

"Well, you're an attractive woman, Caroline.."

"You're teasing me now."

Kate smiled, taking Caroline's hand to lead her into the kitchen, but was surprised again when instead they blonde wrapped on her a fierce hug from behind. "I love you."

Like a billion I love you declarations might ease some of the anguish that Kate had already felt. It's just that it had been so rarely said to her that the words still held incredible meaning for Caroline. Every time she heard them the effect was visceral.

"You're magnificent."

"You're very pretty." Caroline smiled, finally releasing her as the boys began thundering down the stairs. "WALK!"

"I went..please don't be cross about this Kate. But I went to talk to a fertility doctor. I needed to understand the science behind it all. The statistics, the options, all of that. I know you've researched it all, but..you've had a lot longer to consider it all than me, Kate, and I want to go into it knowing as much as I can so I don't feel quite so useless."

"You're not useless." Kate said gently.

"I can't get you pregnant."

"Caroline-"

"I wouldn't even be present for the conception. I couldn't be, not if you and… I couldn't."

"Have you changed your mind?"

"No, Kate. No. I've told you I haven't, and it's the truth. A baby, a child, the drive to be a mother…I understand that need. But I can't understand the process you want to take."

"It's the best way."

"The doctor I spoke to said the percentage between that..that way, and the next best way were negligible, Kate. I know you want..Need this, and I want to be there for you. But I can't..share you."

"You wouldn't be! It would just be a transaction."

"But I would be, Kate. I know you've done your research, and I know that is the best way, and I know time isn't on your side, but I do need time. I just..I want you to consider another way. Just once. Just to give me some time without taking away any of yours. Please."

Kate studied Caroline's face and then silently accepted the papers she held out to her. Study after study.

"…I'll make some tea." Caroline said gently before she stood.

It was a late night for the pair of them, and they both groaned when the alarm went off the next morning

"Fuck off." Caroline mumbled, slapping the alarm.

Kate gave a sleepy laugh and took Caroline's hand in her own, dropping a gentle kiss to her palm.

"You haven't changed your mind?"

"No. Have you?"

Caroline shook her head, finally opening her eyes to look into Kates. "I love you."

"You've said that more in the past few hours than in the rest of our relationship combined." Kate smiled.

Her guard lowered by sleepiness, Caroline said "I just..my heart aches for you and what you must have felt. It physically hurts me to think about it and I wasn't even involved. But the thought of- sorry. I shouldn't be reminding you of it all."

"The thought of what?" Kate asked quietly.

"…I was thinking at the doctors, would we have got together if you had kids? I thought that I wouldn't have been as patient as you have been with the boys. But then I thought, yes I would. I would have definitely bollocks-ed it up repeatedly and they probably would have hated me, but I would have loved them. Because they were yours. Part of you. And then I thought, this baby…I will love it just the same as I love the boys because he or she will be yours. Yours and mine. I suppose..It's just hit me. The reality of life. And loss."

"Morning, Beverley. Any coffee going?"

"I'll get you a cup. Kate?"

"No, thanks. I'm fine." Kate smiled, waiting the PA was out of sight before she turned towards Caroline who placed her pile of paperwork she had brought home onto the desk. "..I'd better get to class."

Caroline nodded without looking up.

"…are you going to be embarrassed like this every time you share your feelings with me, Caroline?"

Caroline nodded again.

"Right. Well. We have a meeting before lunch about the language curriculum, so I will see you then."

A nod.

"…You're not going to say anything at all?"

Caroline shook her head.

"Hi."

"You're early." Caroline noted.

"I'm efficient." Kate considered which seat to sit on for the meeting. Too close to Caroline and she might be able to smell her perfume, which never went well, but too far away and-

"I'm going to sell my house."

"What?" Kate looked up. Caroline kept her eyes down.

"You've given me something precious, which is time. So if this doesn't work, I want to give you something, too. Money."

"Caroline-"

"You said yourself that you and Richard couldn't afford it. But I can. You've said yes to my idea despite your misgivings, and I want to repay your..kindness. If this doesn't work, I can sell my house, we can pay half each for a new place, and the rest of the money from my house can be used for IVF. They might be able to pinpoint what goes wrong and fix it."

"Caroline-"

"Please. Please let me do this. It's not for you, it's for us. I'm as invested in this as you are." Caroline finally looked up, but then looked away very quickly as other teachers began entering the room.

Kate sat down after a few moments, eyes still on the blonde, her mind racing.

"Are you going to look at me?" Kate asked gently half and hour later, 3 full minutes after everyone else had left the room.

"I'm not..good at this, Kate. This doesn't come easily to me, and I will overthink and worry if I see your expression."

Kate reached out across the desk and put her hand over Caroline's tightly clasped ones. "..I love you."

Caroline let out a shaking breath and said softly "I love you, too."

"I think.. we need to do this one step at a time, and check in with each other to see how we feel."

"Is that a no?"

"..it's an if I think it's right for both of us if or when we reach that step, and you're still willing and agreeable, then I think that yes. We can do that."

Caroline released a breath and wiped a tear from her cheek.

"Is there any other emotional things we need to get out? Only this is hardcore, and I'd rather do it all at once."

Caroline smiled, toying with the edge of her paperwork. "…well, there is one little thing. The thing is.. I'm gay. I'm a lesbian. I love women. I love a woman."

"…are you coming out to me, Caroline?"

"Might be."

"Well.. good news because I'm gay, too."

Caroline finally looked up with a smile.