Chapter 8:

Dimitri

I heard from one of my contacts. He didn't know where Sonya was, but he knew of a Strigoi in the area that will probably have the answers.

I hated how easy it was to fool them. Just a slight change of my voice and they couldn't tell the difference. For our mission it would be a good thing, but for me, personally, it was hell.

That text had come in the early hours of the morning. I had read it immediately and hadn't been able to get to sleep. That was okay, I didn't need much sleep. I wouldn't have gotten much even if I hadn't gotten the text.

I was able to stop most of the horrible images of what I had done in Russia during the day, but they always infiltrated my mind at night. I got a turmoiled few hours at best.

Although last night, I hadn't been dreaming of anything I had done in Russia. Last night I had dreamed of the mission and more specifically Rose pulling me back. Her eyes, her hair, her very being is what pulled me back from a very dark place.

It was very selfish of me. I had been the one to push her away. I had been horrible to her when I was first restored and still she was my salvation.

I got out of bed early so I wouldn't disturb Mikhail. He too had a restless sleep. And I knew what he would be dreaming. He would be dreaming of Sonya. The situations were so different, yet I couldn't help but see the similarities in Rose and Mikhail. He too must be realizing we would have to kill Sonya.

The pain was so clear on his face, it was a palpable thing in the room. Had this been Rose when she had been hunting me? She eventually learned I could be restored, but before that she had been on a mission to kill me. Seeing the obvious pain on Mikhail's face reminded me that Rose had been through a lot too these last few months.

And she had definitely made it out stronger. She was doing well with leading this mission. I was very proud of her. A strange feeling, because it would be one of the very few positive feelings I have had since being restored.

But I couldn't help admiring her. How much she had grown, and how much she had matured.

I made it into the living room and started the pot of coffee. I might be able to function on a few hours of sleep, but that did require some caffeine. I knew Mikhail liked his coffee too, almost every guardian did. Except Rose.

I chuckled. Rose would never follow the normal path, even in this, she was the exception to the rule.

It was still a few hours before it was time for the rest to wake up. I decided I was going for a run. I missed running. As a Strigoi it hadn't brought me the same kind of peace and I hadn't needed it to keep up my stamina, so I hadn't done it. And at Court I hadn't been able to for...obvious reasons.

I needed the activity now. I needed an outlet and I don't think beating up Strigoi was a healthy one. When I was first restored I mostly felt guilt. Everything else was drowned in that feeling, but now it was mostly overshadowed by anger. And I knew if I didn't get it under control I could go off again.

So I ran. I ran a good ten miles before I felt like I was sane enough to return to the hotel. I had pushed myself too. The leisurely pace had soon transformed into a desperate sprint. As if I could outrun my feelings.

When I got back, I was still the only one who was up, but I knew it wouldn't be long now. So I started to prepare some breakfast. Something at least Rose did just like all other Guardians. That girl could eat. And Mikhail and I were no exceptions either. And for a Moroi Mia had a healthy appetite. But this morning I kept it light for her. I knew she would be visiting a feeder this morning and she probably wouldn't eat much before or after.

I was slicing some vegetables and getting an egg mix ready. The mundane practice was actually very soothing to me. Rose talked about things that are different between Strigoi and living things and a big thing was the diet.

Preparing food was something I hadn't done in four months. Hell, eating food was something I hadn't done in four months. It gave me a small sense of peace. Eating with friends in the morning, enjoying the smells of herbs and spices, judging which would go together and which ones wouldn't. It was normal. It was something a living being would do.

And I needed a slice of normal and mundane right now.

Rose

My nose was waking me up. I could always count on my stomach to let me know when it was time for breakfast. I slept well, despite my many visitors.

I stretched and Mia was already awake beside me.

I sniffed again and she chuckled.

"Dimitri is cooking, I think. Is there anything that man can't do?" She commented.

"Forgive himself" I said bitterly. But Mia was eyeing me curiously. Somehow she expected an answer of a whole different variety. She smiled, but I recognized evil-Mia in it. She was using her powers for evil again.

"I wonder what else he is good at… fighting obviously..."

Again with the eyes looking at me expectantly. What was she getting at?

"He is a decent chess player, I hear." I supplemented. I had never seen him play, but I had heard one of the guardians mention it. I think it is a Russian thing. That and pool, the man could play a mean game of pool.

"Right, right, chess."

I frowned. "Just spit it out Mia."

She shrugged. "Just wondering how long you two were together at the Academy…" She eyed me and smiled. "And how long it will take for me to share a room with Mikhail instead of here with you?"

I didn't say anything for a while. I tried my best glare at Mia, but she just stood there in her pajamas, unwavering.

After a couple of moments I dropped down on the bed. "We were together for a grand total of 17 hours at the Academy before he died, most of it spent fighting or cleaning up after the Strigoi attack… and you won't have to worry about losing your spot. Dimitri and I are over. I moved on and Dimitri is emotionally unavailable at the moment."

Her gaze softened a bit. I sometimes forget that my tragic love life is, well, tragic.

"You and Adrian?"

"We broke up before I came here."

"And that had nothing to do with Dimitri?"

"Nope, just with Adrian being a dick and me putting the mission first." I looked away from Mia, gathering my thoughts. "But it has actually been good for Dimitri and I being stuck together. We have some things to work through before we can say we are emotionally done with each other. And being forced together like this speeds that process along."

"Is that what you want? To be done with him?"

No, Yes, I really didn't know. I hate feeling this way around him. But the reason it hurts so much is because I loved him so much. Dimitri was a part of my soul. His bond cut deeper than Mason or Adrian. But it just made the wounds that much deeper too.

"I honestly don't know. I am just trying to stay alive on this mission. and to do that I have to work with Dimitri."

She nodded. I couldn't be distracted on this mission. I had peoples' lives in my hands.

"Well, you don't have to overthink breakfast. Let's eat!"

I chuckled but got dressed.

Once we had our breakfast Mia turned to me.

"What is the plan for today, Boss?"

I had had a brief conversation in the kitchen with Dimitri about the whereabouts of this contact that supposedly knew where Sonya was.

"We pack it in and head out. I will check the list to see if there are any sanctioned hotels in the area we are going to, but it is a couple hours drive."

I heard groaning coming from Mia. Apparently driving was not her favorite pastime.

"Once we check in I want to do some training, Maybe a gym we can rent a room in or something."

I was feeling a little restless, sure fighting was a good way to release some steam, but I noticed at court how I missed the activity of school work-outs. I used to train everyday. If I keep this up, I might actually start running voluntarily in the morning.

It didn't take long to get our belongings together and with military efficiency we moved out of the hotel.

Dimitri was still driving. I knew he had a problem with me driving. but I wondered why Mikhail didn't drive. But it was just such a Dimitri control freak thing to do. I was glad to know that each day I saw more and more of the Dimitri I knew.

I took the time to check in with Lissa. The election had started. Any candidate who wanted to be nominated could make themselves known. You could either nominate yourself if backed by three other royals or you could be nominated by others. That is what happened with Lissa. My plan, or well Viktor's plan worked. When Lissa was nominated - which she did not appreciate - there was a lot of debate and already people were shouting for her to run, or shouting for her to not run. It was a distraction we could use.

Once I came back to myself Dimitri looked in the rear-view mirror. I knew he recognized the look on my face.

"How is everything at Court?" He asked.

I groaned. "Lissa is going to kill me."

When I had three pairs of eyes on me I knew I had to tell them something. "So I might have suggested to Adrian in a spirit dream it would be handy to have Lissa run for Queen."

That raised some eyebrows. It was Mia who spoke first. "But if she doesn't have the quorum to get a Council seat, she doesn't have the quorum to become Queen, right?"

I nodded. "But there are no rules preventing her from participating in the election. Already it was chaos. We need more time and this is giving us more time."

"So you made her run for Queen?" Mia chuckled. "That is such a Rose thing to do."

It kind of was. Coming up with strange plans was kind of my trademark. But Dimitri looked at me funny. I think he realized that even if I could be crazy enough to suggest this, I didn't have the legal knowledge to come up with this. I hadn't told him of my dream with Viktor and I wasn't planning on it either. I wasn't the only one Viktor had screwed over.

Once we were at the hotel we settled in. Here we had to get two rooms, but one was larger and had a desk, so we made that our home base.

I opened the laptop and started to search for gyms nearby. Or maybe this hotel had a gym.

"We can scout the place out tonight, but right now I need a workout."

Mia looked at me funny, but Mikhail and Dimitri nodded. I knew Mia trained too but I don't think she needed it as much as we did.

"I could use a good treadmill or maybe some weights. I kept up some training while I was stationed at the archives, but it couldn't hurt to take it up a notch."

"That and we have been in the car for a few hours. I have to move." I supplemented and I think the groans from Mia and the boys confirmed they were a little stiff too.

"Ah, the hotel has a gym, but there is also one located a block from here. What do you guys want?"

"Probably the one in the hotel. It would be smaller, but we can go there now, without a reservation, maybe we can make arrangements for the gym tomorrow." Mikhail suggested and everyone agreed. Today wasn't about sparring or anything fancy. We just wanted a little activity.

So after we changed into our training gear we moved to the gym. It was small but it had all the amenities we needed. There were weights and a punching bag in a seperate part of the gym, cardio devises and several machines to target specific muscle groups. There was only one other person in the gym so we pretty much had it all to ourselves.

Mia started in the corner, stretching first and then picking up some lightweight dumbbells. Mikhail went to the cardio machines for a warm up and I decided I wanted to try out some of the machines. I would start on low weights to warm my muscles up and then start on something bigger. Dimitri moved towards Mia, he gave her some pointers. I guess he couldn't resist the mentor role.

I started on a machine that trained my glutes, you would push a lever back with your foot. The guy next to me started to look my way. The look on his face wasn't creepy, but more condescending.

"If you need help with how to do it properly, I can help. I think those weights might be a bit much for you."

Ah yes, a perfect human male specimen in its natural habitat of mansplaining. Not only have I been training since I was four, I also looked the part. You don't get my body if you don't train. But I smiled sweetly, moved off the machine and loaded on the weights. Then I went back into position.

"That is way too much, you are going to hurt yourself."

I ignored him and I started to push my foot back to move the lever. The weights were actually still kind of light. I didn't want to pull a muscle just to spite this guy- and that should tell you how much I have matured.

Mikhail saw the interaction and moved towards me.

"Hey Rose, done with your warm-up? I can help you put on more weights if you want."

The guy looked from me to Mikhail and back. I could practically see the question in his eyes. This was a warm-up?

"Thanks. Yeah I think I am warm. How far do they go?"

Mikhail looked down at the weights, counting them. "They only go up to 200 pounds."

I shrugged. "I guess that would have to do. It is more about moving some stiff muscles than actually training today anyway."

Of course normally 200 pounds was a bit of a challenge for me, I could do it, of course, but I wanted to fuck with this guy and Mikhail seemed to enjoy this too. So he moved the pin from halfway the pile of weights to the lowest weight, so all weights would join.

Then I started to push the lever back again. The guys just gawked. I was getting tired but because my face was facing away from him he didn't see it.

After clearing his throat a few times he went and excused himself from the gym claiming he had business.

Once he was gone we laughed- a lot.

Mikhail and I went on a treadmill and Mia joined us. She wasn't as fast as us, but I must admit she had stamina. Only Dimitri stayed in the corner. He was practicing on the punching bag. It wasn't really that he didn't want to join us and being antisocial. I think in this instance he was just too tall to make his long strides on the treadmill.

I was working up a sweat. I would love to run in the sun outside one of these days, but for now the burning in my longs was welcome. All the worries I had, Tatiana being murdered, Lissa's sibling and this very dangerous mission, I could forget it all on this treadmill.

That was until Mikhail touched my arm to get my attention and shrugged his head towards the corner. There was Dimitri working up a sweat too. He was practically destroying the punching bag. The scowl he had on his face wasn't one of concentration but one of rage, pure rage.

He was losing himself again in that rage and that poor punching bag was paying the price- or more accurately I would have to pay it if he destroyed it.

"Dimitri?"

He didn't stop, he didn't even acknowledge me. I don't think he even heard me. "Dimitri?" I called again a little louder.

He stopped this time, almost shocked he looked at me then at the punching bag and his hands. Then he stormed off.

I sighed but followed him. He and Mikhail had the smaller room but I had a key to his room. I found him sitting on his bed, his hands in his hair bending over. He seemed so small right now.

I just stood there waiting for him to talk. It took a long time, but he eventually moved from his bed to the window, basking in the sunlight as it came through the window. It seemed to center him. But I could still tell he was shaking.

"What happened?" I asked. He turned around but he didn't answer and went back to staring outside.

"Dimitri, I need to know what is happening to you. So talk to me. What happened in there? Why are you taking all of your anger out on the punching bag?"

He ran his hand through his hair. He had taken it out of its confines. It added to his disheveled state. He turned to me and raised his hands and he practically yelled at me, but I knew he wasn't mad at me.

"Because I am angry all the time. I am angry at the universe for letting me die in those caves. I am angry at our world for allowing Strigoi to come this far. I am angry at myself for killing all those people and" He briefly glanced towards me. It was clear he was angry with himself for what he did to me. "I used to only feel guilty, it was smothering me, but now, I am just angry. All. The. Time"

And I could see it. He was radiating rage. Dimtiri was rarely so naked, so out of control he would admit this.

"Isn't that like the stages of grief or something."

I was not into psychology much, but I think at least anger was one of them.

He looked at me funny. "What do I have to grieve for?"

And I just stared. He was oblivious. Dimitri was oblivious. "Your life! You died, Dimitri. Maybe what came after wasn't exactly normal. But you died!"

He was a little shocked. I don't think he had been thinking about himself at all in this. That he was allowed to grieve his former life. That he was allowed to be upset that he died. He wouldn't allow himself that because he was too busy mourning the people he killed to mourn himself.

And I think I was exactly the same way. Although I had been stuck in denial. I had never allowed myself a moment to grieve him, to grieve us. I had gone from losing him to a crazy mission to kill him, and then a crazy mission to save him. I had never actually acknowledged that he died. Because he was still here in another form.

I had been in denial, thinking I could start something with Adrian. I had been in denial thinking I could just move on from what Dimitri and I had. I had been in denial for a very long time.

I could see he was thinking about it for a long time. I knew he was stuck. I knew he wasn't feeling like himself. Maybe this way of looking at it would help him move on. Mourn his old life so he could begin a new life.

One where he didn't love me.

I had to swallow a little to get the lump out of my throat. But it stayed there. I hoped Dimitri took my advice though. He really did deserve more.

I chuckled and this didn't seem to help his mood much. I waved him off indicating I wasn't laughing at him.

"I think if our younger selves could see us now, they would be rather confused. Here you are, displaying every emotion you have in your body, and here I am the reasonable one trying to keep it all under control."

Now he chuckled with me. "I guess we did change a lot."

He sat down in a chair, all humor gone from his face. "I am not who I was, Rose. I don't think I'll ever be that guy again."

I sat down on the bed opposite him. I wanted to touch his hand and comfort him, but decided against it at the last moment.

"Of course you are not. That Dimitri didn't die, that Dimitri didn't lose his soul. Those are literal life changing events. Trust me, I know."

I took a deep breath. "You don't have to be who you were, Dimitri. You just have to be able to live with who you are now."

He laughed a little again. His brown eyes met mine and something indescribable reflected back at me. "The tables really have turned. Now you are giving me zen life lessons."

I laughed and so did he, it seemed to dissipate some of the tension that was between us.

"Well, speaking of another thing I need to do that used to be your responsibility. I have to go write my report."

I got up and walked towards the door. "They are so boring. How did you do them when you were searching for me and Lissa?"

He actually had a smirk on his face. "I mostly had a subordinate write them."

I just gawked at him. Then I walked away slamming the door in his face. He couldn't have told me this a couple of days ago?

Dimitri was laughing behind that door. A full belly laugh. It had been so very long since I heard that laugh. It was good to hear it now. Even if it was at my expense.

Although something occurred to me now. He was my subordinate now.

And by the very abrupt stopping of his laughing he had probably realized the same thing.