Brian Eno - Weightless

...

Our tendency is to become corpses. It's the task of living to make the dead any presentable.

This kind of thought travels my mind each time I fail with someone. For a world I can feel as the ink belonging to a portrait, I can't touch a face. Just hear and count how many muscles are being used for a smile, a frown, a shout, a whisper... Glumness apart, only a man to give a name for things. A man who lives, who haven't grown older and colder like a stone.

Right, Hrist?... Hrist? Oh, she's gone. I had been walking home alone, didn't even perceived. She talks a lot, but today stood quiet most the time. Only her scent remained, despite the rain. Heavy or soft, it leaves not only a peculiar scent, but as well a need of drinking water. I need more than water to bring relief to my soul. More than a hug to break bones. I have no doubt April shares of her own strenght, but don't forget she's kind too. Too much kind, the one you don't see around, or even feel.

— OUCH! – all of sudden, I hear a kid shouting. I know who it is, and that worries me a lot than it should.

— Raymie? – I asked, looking to the direction of the shout. Frogs coach and dragonflies buzz on a marsh covered by tall grass.

— Hi, Frattie – said Raymie, standing on the marsh. There's no risk of drowning, or for being eaten by a pike, which makes me wonder why – Ooh, ooh, Ouch! Hnng!... – his legs shaked violently, rippling the muddy water's surface.

— What are you doing here, Raymie? – something in the kid's hands writhe like a worm being hit by sunlight. Raymie carried a pot on his left hand, full of water, and full of these things – please don't tell me that you are-

— Collecting leeches? – he said just in time – I'll make quite a bunch, I tell ya!

— Where are your brothers?

— Argh!... Danny and Ingus are hunting Basilisks. Mom took Phoebe and Archie to the market fair.

— Nobody home?

— Uh huh.

— And you're hunting leeches.

— Well, in this case... Ai, ai!... they hunt me – Raymie put his hand on the water, to which he took another leech, and raised it to the skies – but I am the hunter, at all!

— Who's watching you?

— Danny was.

— And where is he?

— Hunting basilisks with Ingus.

— I'll speak with Danny.

— He doesn't care.

— Why not? He's your brother.

— There, Frattie. You said it – now I perceive that Raymie isn't doing it all for fun. After all, you need blood to move your legs – just kept watching, got bored. Danny don't let me aim at their heads, neither Ingus. Here I am, tomorrow I'll be rich! Gonna sell these, urgh... leeches. Lots and lots of 'em!...

— At what cost, Raymie? – I can't tell the kid that leech collectors aren't well paid, even if it's the right thing.

— AAAH! – but when he shouts like that, I don't feel like standing and watching – you see... I am doing something... important...

— Enough, Raymie – so I approach, walking above the water's surface, and I take Raymie with me. I haven't holded him like this since he was that little. Pretty heavy, but that's the least of my worries. His legs are full of those red 'y' marks.

— Uh... Frattie... – a sleepy voice comes out Raymie's mouth, which once shedded of a huge smile. That hand holded tight the pot.

— Let's go home – he lost too much blood, and if I don't do something, maybe his life – there, I'll prepare an antidote.

— No... I hate needles.

— Just don't look.

— Easy for you. I already looked – out the many scary things in my room, Raymie is afraid of needles. I too, since I feel them by the tips.

— It won't hurt – that's what I choose to say. It might not be enough. It's what every father say to his son before they come to be injured.

— You're lying. Again – maybe I am. In place, I could have said 'it ain't the needle that hurts. It's the antidote's temperature which's different from the body', but then would Raymie understand my point? He sure understands a lot, except the way I feel things with my nose, my ears...

— Raymie... If I was lying, then I would be the one who's hurt.

— Well, aren't you?

— A bit – this boy ain't me, though I see a bit of myself in his – today was quite a day.

— A hard day? – I don't have the guts to tell Raymie what happened. Johnny, his wife, the body... It would be too much. Instead, I nod.

— Yes. A hard day. Know what there'll be for dinner, Raymie?

— Will I have a dinner? – out of many answers, he had to say it, while his eyes are dilating...

— You will. I swear, by heart – I shed a tear in Raymie's place, which fell upon his shoulder.

— I did something bad, didn't I? – I've been thinking about it in the way. Been trying to find an answer – I am too young, I know.

— No, Raymie. That's not it. Look... you knew the risks. By each bite. Please, don't do this ever again, for the love of your mother – following what I said, nothing was heard for a while. Only the rain, as always, and breathes. That heart... how it jumped. I even missed it's pattern, I'm not even bothered to. Raymie is looking at me, his whole body shaking. He thought I was going to shout to his. That's not how I am, he knows very well. A man who cries doesn't have time, or reason to leave shouts. He's already being heard. I am dissapointed, yes, but not angry. In fact, I am trembling together of this kid.

— Hey, Frattie...

— What is up, buddy? – something else bothered Raymie, other than his legs.

— Your cane – he said. The cane... I forgot it at the Jugend. Not the first time. I might have asked Hrist to give it back to me, but nothing else matters at the moment.

— I can make my way to the Jugend with Agartha. That spear is quite useful for it.

— No. That's not it – Raymie, Raymie... what is bothering you? You should only worry about your life. Well, guess he does not only care about his own – Frattie... without the cane, you're gonna tumble.

— Don't worry. Because of you, I won't trip.

...

At home. Finally.

It'll be a quick stay, but I'll come back. It's where I sleep with a ceiling upon mine, and without someone else, who to clean it? Not that I am fond of cleaning. Sure, I can do a lot of things, remember many faces, but when it comes to cleaning... it depends. I could hire someone to do it on my place, pay that person well, but that would only be it. Just paying someone to do the job, while I, well, I do my Dragoon's duty.

Uh huh, as if you learned anything new by punching a tree. I can feel pain in other ways, too. I can ignore it as much as I want. And I... I... there's only me, isn't it? Don't think this way, with Jack at your side. He was kind enough to offer a dinner for you. A hand as well, but if he dares to feed me like a baby, I swear I'll grab that spoon and... please, Freya. Where are your manners? Your sense of humour?

She's at those days... how I hate this sentence. Whoever came up with it didn't knew anything about women. It's just a poor excuse for delimitating anger or any kind of strong emotion as being brought out of our pain felt in chest. As if it's the only way I am allowed to feel this way. Well, what would you feel after hitting a tree for so long, only for it to break your hands more than they did with the trunk?

Not that I blame Fratley, or Edea, or the cherry tree. It's just that... a lot happened, that's it. I can't focuse on a thing or another, something feels off. Still I can't feel my hands, but somehow I am changing clothes. Stubborn like that... that's what Edea said, and she may be right. I won't leave the Jugend, the Dragoon, everything mom did because of my hands. I have yet to lose more than it.

I think I already lost too much.

— Are you ready, sis? – said Jack, at the other side of the door.

— Not yet – I said, wearing the lime dress in front of the mirror. I have tons of these in my wardrobe, and an only space reserved for the red one.

— Can I help you out? I mean, your hands-

— Thanks, but I can do it by myself, Jack – like I always did.

— Okay. So you know, Ottis will prepare the dinner.

— Does that make any difference?

— I think it does – good to know, though I haven't eaten anything made by Jack yet – so, how was your training?

— You saw my hands. That's how it went by – I dare to take a look at my hands, but like before, I just ignore it.

— Didn't they taught you any healing spells for consideration? – good question.

— I think Sir Fratley would, had he not left to attend the – that means he would wait me to bleed enough until he taught a way to heal wounds. I don't know if this makes me feel any comfortable. Just a thought, I don't need to feel any worse or better.

— And why did he left? I mean, there aren't tons of Dragoons around, but that doesn't mean Fratley is the only one.

— Captain Edea came in, and said something about him being good at words – to which I can agree.

— Good at words? When I knew Fratley, he could barely tell a thing that made sense. Like you, sis.

— It's hard to speak with a tail in your mouth.

— Hard for me to not have shouted everytime you did it so – said Jack, in a giggling tone.

— I didn't bite your for affection, so you know.

— Well, I had been asking for it. Also, did you said a thing about Edea?

— Do you know her? – I asked, while combing my hair with the claws. Careful to not scratch your head...

— Why, she holded you. I mean, you were this little. Ugly like a caecilian, but with time, you became adorable as it is – thanks? I have no reply for it – Edea was one of mom's friends. Barely made a visit, but when she could, she did.

— I can't remember her – an orange ribbon for the hair is in my hand. I don't think I'll need it. As for the one in my tail, it shares a lot that I can't let go – but, something in her face...

— Oh, that face? She had an awkward smile, so I remember.

— Smile?

— Yes. Serious people always seem to be frowning, don't you think?

— I think – then I looked at myself in the mirror, sitting on the bed. I do not frown everytime, and if I did, I wouldn't be making a serious impression. I would be wasting my time – don't know why, Jack, but Edea... when I saw her at first, she reminded me of dad.

— Dad?

— Yeah. That look, and nothing else. The look of someone who saw the worst – I said, to which Jack opened the door and sat at my side.

— The eyes are the door of entrance of the soul, like they say.

— Don't you mean the windows?

— Windows, doors... you close, as much as you let them open. I know a lot of people who share of same look you mentioned, sis. And only a few like dad to have someone amazing like mom and you at his side – I feel better when hearing these words. Moreso coming out of Jack.

— And what about you?

— Me? I was a troublemaker. Nothing good came out of me. I killed birds, but then I decided to stop. Killing Basilisks did more of a favor for everyone. Basilisks petrify children not for fun, but because they can. Now, I killed them for fun, and because I could. Like, there's evil, and the necessary evil. Understand?

— I think I do – it's like the old telling 'children can be so mean', but what kind of mean do they seek?

— So, are you ready?

— I am. Better be good.

— Haha. Of course it will, sis – he says it with such formality – I'll lend my hand for ya.

— It won't be needed, Jack. My hands... – so I showed my hands to Jack, after standing on my own. I knew there was something strange about those green lines Edea made. But this – they healed somehow.

— Well, forget about feeding you with a spoon (again).

— What did you said? – I heard a whisper coming out of Jack's mouth, saw it moving. He smiled for a brief moment. I'm not smiling.

— Uh, nothing, sis. Why don't we have dinner? – it ain't everyday that something is offered for free, Freya. Many wish they had a brother like yours.

— Fine – I said, before a quick smirk, blink and you may have lost it.