The Fight

Chapter 9

Sir Gwaine is one of the most hale and hearty, boisterously good-natured knights I've ever crossed swords with and a good friend. He's an excellent fighter and strong as a bear. When I made my initial visits to the wounded of Camlann, his condition was most disturbing of all. Apparently, he and Percival had survived Camlann with only superficial injuries but had then foolishly determined to take on Morgana by themselves. It was a clever trap, very strategically thought out, but honestly! Magic! Morgana had done her worst while wringing the information she desired out of Gwaine, leaving very little beyond a broken shell of a man. Percival wouldn't talk about how he'd found Gwaine after Morgana's torture and I could tell that it was due to the thinly controlled rage seething inside him rather than his natural brevity.

I determined to visit Gwaine again and see what I could do for him.

When I came around the corner, I caught sight of Merlin's back as he left Gwaine's quarters. Their friendship was a good tonic for the wounded man's spirit and I gathered that Merlin's magic had been instrumental in repairing what Gaius' potions could not. I supposed I should have been a little jealous that Gwaine had the good sense to accept Merlin's magic faster than I did but I wasn't. I was just grateful.

"To what do I owe the honor of a visit, Princess?"

I was delighted to hear that old familiar nickname come out of his mouth. I much preferred the spirited and mouthy Gwaine to the fragile and broken.

"I just wanted to check and see how you're doing, see when you'll be fit to return to duty." I scrutinized him. He was still thin but life had returned to his eyes.

"With Merlin's help," he said meaningfully, "Gaius says I'll be right as rain soon."

"Glad to hear it. It's good to see you looking more like your old self."

"I'm not the only one."

"What do you mean?"

"Our Merlin is looking more and more like his old self."

"You mean he's looking underfed? I thought he'd finally begun to put some meat on his bones."

"No. He's smiling more easily." He narrowed his eyes, studying me. Ah, another man who was more perceptive than I'd previously suspected. "I heard about what happened with Fenmore," he commented.

"I imagine everyone's heard."

"He was gone in less than half a day after hurting Merlin."

"He was a treacherous, disloyal snake."

"And you let Merlin be healed by magic."

"Nothing wrong with that. Magic's perfectly legal now."

"I see why he's smiling more easily now. You're doing a good job of it, Arthur. I thank you." The respectful nod he gave me may have been the most sincere I'd ever received.

I returned the nod.

"Do you need anything?"

"A couple of coins for the tavern in a day or so, wouldn't be amiss."

"Right. Well, sadly, that wasn't the sort of help I had in mind."

He pouted, or tried to. That never really worked on anyone but barmaids and he knew it.

"Get some rest. I'll be needing you back in the game soon."

I trusted Gwaine's observation. My efforts were bearing fruit and everything was going according to plan.

Excellent.

—

Everyone in the palace was under strain. We knew our visitors were set to arrive very soon and we struggled to be refreshed and ready to receive them. I never realized just how much I had relied on Merlin's sturdy companionship during tense times until now. I caught myself as I almost berated him for something clearly beyond his control as had been my habit. Yes, my temper may have been a tad short due to stress but I made it a point to bite my tongue rather than take it out on Merlin. I noticed him watching me warily like I was a viper ready to strike. It pained me to realize that I had conditioned him to expect the worst from me. As I kept my tongue between my teeth, he seemed to grow more confident that I wasn't about to start hurling goblets and he became solicitous. I took note of small gestures of comfort and kindness as he eased my way throughout the day. It was strange for us both, this new found courtesy. Then word came of a furious set of storms plaguing the way between Camelot and Deorham. Our visitors would necessarily be delayed.

"I hope they'll be able to find sufficient shelter to wait out the rains," I remarked after receiving the missive. "What a miserable trip that would be."

Merlin nodded and set my dinner at my desk. Guinevere had elected to dine with the ladies of the court that evening.

"Sounds miserable alright. Still, it's great to have another few days to ourselves before they show up."

"Yes." I tossed the note aside and surveyed my dinner tray. "If I weren't so grateful, I'd be upset that you're mollycoddling me at our ally's expense."

"What?"

"The storms. It's very strategic and very thoughtful but let's just hope they don't catch on."

"What are you going on about?" He looked thoroughly confused.

"These very helpful storms. Don't think I don't see what you've been up to, Merlin."

He frowned at me and there was a disturbed look in the depths of his eyes.

"I did nothing."

"Right."

"Arthur, I didn't," he insisted.

"You're telling me that these unusually strong and unseasonal storms just happened to arise between Camelot and Deorham just coincidentally buying us time?"

"Yes!"

"Mm hm."

"You're not listening to me. I tell you, I did nothing!"

I shot him a look of condescending disbelief. It was the wrong thing to do. He made a strangled, inarticulate sound of profound frustration.

"Calm down, Merlin."

"Calm down? Why should I? You're seeing magic where there is none and you're not taking me at my word! You're calling me a liar with a stupid smile on your face! It's like almost nothing has changed but what has changed is definitely for the worse!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Do you remember Cornelius Sigan? Do you?" he ranted. "His magic helped build Camelot. He was incredibly powerful. It eventually corrupted his bond with his king until could no longer be trusted. I know he became evil but do you really think it was all on him? Was he really manipulating the world around him or did his king do what you're doing, seeing magic where there is none and suspecting him of meddling? You don't listen! You hear but you arrogantly believe what you want to believe!"

Ouch.

"You want me to trust you and then you act like this!"

I interrupted him, desperate to find my footing. "I'm sorry, you're right. It was very wrong of me to make such an assumption. I apologize. It's just that those storms seem too good to be true and you've always gone off on your own behind my back to fix things. Was it so wrong of me to assume that you were up to your old tricks?"

"Up to my old tricks!" he seethed, "You make it sound so easy, like you think I enjoyed making decisions that I shouldn't have had to. And lying to everyone I love and losing myself piece by piece! Like I thought it was fun to sneak around risking not only my life but the lives of my friends -Gaius' life!- to watch people I loved change for the worse and bear it alone. To miss breakfast, lunch and dinner only to be teased and bullied for being skinny. To be sleepless and injured and still run my legs off the next morning and pretend and pretend and pretend that everything was fine, that I was a fool, just so I could protect the people who would've seen me dead in a heartbeat for doing it! Oh yes! It was such a lark!"

For years he had cowered beneath my blows at training but the blows I was receiving now were far more shattering.

"Trying to help you by warning you to your face? That got me threatened with everything up to and including banishment. How could I have ever thought to deceive you, my Lord? Up to my old tricks!" He threw his hands in the air and strode about like a caged lion. "It's always all about the magic!" he growled.

"No! That's not.. I didn't mean.."

"Then why are you doing all this for me?" he shot at me in angry intensity.

"What?"

"Why are you doing all this?"

"What're you talking-"

"Having me as part of the council, dressing me up-"

"I don't-"

"Don't deny it, Arthur. No one else who orders work clothes from the tailor in town comes away with clothing this fine. I'm not stupid!

I'm okay with not having to do the mucky jobs, I won't complain about that, but what are you doing? And why are you doing it? I told you that I don't want to be singled out for attention and I've been trusting you."

"You can trust me! I haven't told anyone!"

"No! I've been trusting you to understand and now it looks like you haven't at all. You're doing me favors and all that's changed is that you know about my magic!"

I chased after him until I caught him by the arm.

"No! You've got the wrong end of the-"

"No, I don't think I do," he spat and jerked his arm away. "If I'm wrong then why didn't you do it before when I was just me? You had me sit at the round table once in a moment of extremity but never again afterwards. But now, -oh, now!- you've done a really masterful job of making a place for me with the council. Do you really think that those who have power or strength or wealth automatically deserve to be better off and placed in seats of power?" he hammered at me.

"No!"

"Really? Are you sure? Because what you're doing says otherwise!"

Hurt, I backed away from his anger and disgust.

"Stop it!" I yelled. "Just -just stop it. Give me some credit, why don't you? I don't give a damn about your bloody magic! Give it away, lose it, throw it on the rubbish heap! It's not important to me! You're wrong! It's not only your magic that I know about now, it's everything else! It's everything that made you the first person I could ever truly call a friend. It's because of you that I even have other friends! It's because of you that I can see clearly enough to make changes! You're the one who opened my eyes long ago and now I finally get that. And you didn't do it with your damn magic! None of this is about magic! It's just, can't you see? Why can't you see what it's done to me to find out that my best- my most- ugh! -that the man who's always treated me like a person not a royal chess piece has sacrificed his entire life for me, has suffered, has repeatedly proved his devotion while I ground him down, overlooked, overworked and belittled him and spat on his feelings and-and all those things you said ..and damn it! Damn it all! I can't do anything right, can I! I'm not even allowed to-to show you.. to try to make things right, to try to say thank you! And I HATE THAT!"

Slam! -I slammed the door shut on his shocked face and welling eyes. I fled.

He found me later, up on the tower, watching the dark clouds in the far off distance. Of course he found me. He knew all my hiding places. What surprised me was that he had wanted to. That I'd been such a fool and that he thought so ill of me, hurt. I had been trying to make sure he was valued for more than his magic and it had looked to him like the exact opposite. How had I mucked things up so badly? I thought I was so clever. I hadn't thought of how he would view my efforts. The self disgust was hard to bear.

He came to stand beside me in silence. We watched the sun drop toward the horizon.

"You left your dinner."

I snorted. I wasn't going to follow up with banter. I was still feeling too raw. Too scarred.

" 'Thought you'd leave." Thank goodness at least my voice was calm.

"Why? You've done me worse favors than this before."

"When?"

"You fed me rat stew."

"You fed it to me first."

He laughed softly. "Yeah."

"You really didn't send the storms to buy time."

"No."

"It's hard to believe it's just pure luck because I don't think I actually have any."

"Sure you have luck. You're lucky to have me."

I shook my head.

"I can dry up the storms for you if you're worried about.."

"Don't bully Mother Nature, Merlin."

He didn't respond and I hoped I hadn't done enough damage to make him fragile. I didn't trust myself to fix it if I had.

"I'm glad we have a reprieve." I couldn't stop my sigh and turned away, wandering off a bit. I just wanted to be alone. Alone, you couldn't hurt anyone or say the wrong thing.

The thing about Merlin, though, is that it's not in his nature to leave me alone. He joined me again and said, "I'm sorry."

"So'm I."

"I know but I'm afraid my sins are worse. Your assumption was based on previous experience, mine was baseless. I'm sorry that I accused you of being far less noble than you are. I know you better than to think what I did. I'm an idiot."

"Yes, you are."

"Yes, I am. And you're still a prat."

"Yes, I am."

"Good to know nothing's really changed then."

I gave his shoulder a soft punch.

"Shut up and go home, Merlin."

He nodded and stepped away. "Aren't you coming in?"

I shook my head. I just wanted to be alone in the quiet. He retreated to the stairway and I felt his eyes on my back for a while until he finally left. I stood there and watched the stars eventually come out one by one by one.