Chapter 1 - Alone

Author's Note: In which Ahsoka and Alema try to figure their lives out after they leave the Order. :')

~ Amina Gila

Ahsoka Tano

I can't believe that we're walking away from the only place I've ever called home as Alema and I make our way down the last of the Temple steps, heading out into the city. I don't know where we're going, not really, just away.

For an agonizing moment, all I want to do is run back to the steps, run back to our masters, but I don't. I force myself to keep walking forwards anyway. I can't go back to them, not now, even if the decision is crushing me. I can't go back to the Order, regardless of what I have to leave behind.

We have to figure this out on our own. Alema was... the one person I always thought would be at my side forever, and it looks like that's going to remain true even now that we're walking away from the Order. We only have each other now.

"Where are we going?" I ask, finally.

"I don't know," Alema says quietly. I can feel her anger, pain, and betrayal pouring into the Force, only magnifying my own.

Finally, we settle down beside each other a distance away. I don't look around because of how familiar this area is. It's still close to the Temple, and I don't want to look back. If I do, I'll remember who I left behind, and even if there's nothing I hate worse, I can't go back. I won't always be able to count on last-minute rescues, and I cannot believe in the Jedi any longer. I have another path out there – I have to believe I do – and I need to find it, somehow.

Even though I have absolutely no idea where or how to start. The reality is crushing me, and I want to take a few minutes to breathe, but... we don't have credits or enough to buy food, and while we could probably get by for a few days we need somewhere to stay and something to do and...

Oh, Force. I have no idea how to start living.

"We're alone," Alema whispers.

I make a quiet sound of agreement, staring almost blankly ahead at the people passing by, as though this is nothing but another typical day, because to them, it is. For me, it's the day everything I ever believed was completely shattered and broken beyond repair. "We don't have anywhere to go," I mumble.

I've never been completely on my own before. Even when we were captured by the Trandoshans and had no hope of getting rescued, at least we knew where we'd go once we escaped. Here... there's nothing. No direction, or anything.

We have to figure it out ourselves, and I have absolutely no idea what to do next. I've always called the Temple home. I've always had a purpose among the Jedi. Now both are gone.

"I had been thinking we could go to Padme and Jaufre's," Alema suggests shyly. "We'll be out of the Order's reach there, and we can still talk to the twins."

I wince, shaking my head. "They'll lead us right back to the Order. I want to start over somewhere far away, where I won't have to see the people who –" I choke on my words, unable to say what I wanted to. It hurts too deeply, and I can't believe they would do that. The Jedi are supposed to be selfless, caring. How could they have been willing to throw me out when it suited them?!

"We hardly have any credits," Alema points out, "It won't be enough to get us off-planet."

Off-planet... it's not what I'd considered, but I don't think it's a bad idea, either. "We won't be finding a job overnight. I don't even know how easy it would be, but we've got to qualify for something well-paying. We don't know anyone out here to stay with until we find someplace."

"We do, actually," Alema replies, "There's still Padme."

"I just said I don't want to go back there!"

"I don't know if I'm ready to cut them out of my life forever."

"It won't be forever," I promise immediately. I don't point out that she doesn't have to follow me in this, because it's a given. We go together, and I feel so alone right now. I couldn't refuse the presence of someone I know needs the same help I do.

"And... you met Ventress in the underworld, right?"

"What?!" I yelp. She can't be serious. "You think we should go to her for help?!"

Alema leans back, a faint smirk playing on her lips. "Really, what's the worst that could happen?"

"What's the worst thing that could happen if we walked up to a Sith's door and said, 'can we please sleep here for the night?'!? She'd kill us!"

"She could try, but do you really think she'd succeed?" the Twi'lek asks smugly.

"I don't know, maybe?!"

"She doesn't have her lightsabers anymore," Alema reminds me. "We're perfectly safe. We can help her with something, get some money, and... leave the planet. If we're not staying here, I suppose we could try going home."

"Home?" I repeat. "We don't have a home!"

"You're from Shili," she replies, "And I'm from Ryloth. I know I still have a family there, even if I barely remember them."

"I don't remember mine," I admit. I have a few vague images, really. Nothing I could put a name to. I don't want to go back there. I want to find something new. If I belonged there, I wouldn't have become a Jedi in the first place. I don't know where we're going to go, but I do trust the Force. I know wherever we go, the path we take will lead us to where we were meant to go. It's only a question of finding it.

"We can figure it out after we find a way off the planet," Alema advises finally.

"If we're heading to her... home on foot, we better get going," I advise, standing up. It's after sunset, so we won't be reaching there until long after dark. Hopefully she won't try to kill us on first sight.

**w**

It's some hours later when we reach the level in the underworld where Aniya and I were... was it only yesterday? It feels like an eternity ago already. I force the thought from mind. This is happening a lot, and I suspect it'll only be happening more over the coming months.

"I'm beginning to think this is a very bad idea," I mumble under my breath as we stand outside the door of Ventress' home.

"We can leave if you want," Alema offers, "But I –"

Right on cue the door swings open and Ventress appears in the doorway, regarding us with narrowed eyes. "What are you doing here?" she drawls, "Or did the Jedi send a couple mere padawans to try and arrest me?"

"No!" I hastily assure her, "We're... we need your help." I cringe internally at the admission, because we're talking to a former enemy here, even if she did help us only yesterday. I don't trust her, and I still think this is very, very stupid.

She raises an eyebrow, resting her hands on her hips. "Got another bounty on you already?"

I suppress a flare of anger at the words. I really don't need to have that rubbed in my face right now. The last time I was out here, it was with Aniya and –

Stop thinking about her.

Alema takes a step forward. "We left the Order," she explains.

"And we... could use somewhere to stay for the night," I finish finally, because that's the easiest explanation without letting her know how lost we are right now.

I'm almost expecting another snarky comeback, but instead she steps aside, motioning for us to enter. "Well, you can stay here for tonight," she agrees, "But this isn't a hotel so don't get too comfortable."

Suddenly feeling awkward, I follow her into the main room of her apartment, Alema trailing after. So far, so good. At least it doesn't seem like she's planning to try killing us. She could have a more elaborate plan though, which... I don't want to think about it.

I haven't exactly been a guest at anyone's house before – or at least not a former enemy – so I don't know how to act. If Ventress is uncomfortable though, she isn't showing it.

"We don't really have any money to pay you or anything," Alema says, shifting uncomfortably, "But –"

Ventress waves a hand. "Consider yourselves guests. For now." She motions for us to take seats. "Have you thought about what you're going to do now?" she asks casually, "Because I don't think you'd make very good bounty hunters."

"We were thinking about off planet," I say after a moment.

"Maybe back to Ryloth," Alema says.

"How are you going to get off planet?" Ventress queries, "That's going to cost money, you know, and I'm not running a charity here."

Yes, well I'd already been considering that, and right now I don't have any ideas. "Any suggestions?" I ask, grimacing internally. I don't want to rely on people right now, especially her. Why is she helping us? It's uncharacteristic, and I don't like it.

"We could do a job with you maybe," Alema offers uncomfortably. She looks as unhappy about that as I feel.

"That would be... acceptable," Ventress decides, "I'll see if I have one that could use multiple people and wouldn't... offend your morals."

"How considerate of you." I'm grateful to her, and it's ridiculous that we're in this situation. She might be helping us, and she may not be... evil anymore, but she still killed so many people. It feels unreal that we're speaking to her on such friendly terms.

"Why don't we deal with this in the morning?" the Nightsister advises, ignoring the remark, and standing up, "It's already late, in case you haven't noticed. You can have the extra room."

We both stand as well. "Thank you," I reply, turning to head to the room she pointed out to us. No need to linger here longer than we need to.

Alema pauses, though, glancing back. "Why are you helping us?" she asks, hesitantly, "We have nothing to give in return." Aniya and I had promised to speak with the Council on her behalf, but I doubt they would listen.

"Because... we have a lot in common," Ventress replies.

I blink. "We do?"

"Your Order abandoned you, just like my master did to me," she explains.

Oh. I don't know how to feel about that. To be fair I already knew that happened, but I never realized she might consider us similar because of that. She's not wrong though, not in that regard.

"I didn't know what to do or where to go," she continues, after a moment, "So I went home. I assume that's where you're trying to get."

"Yes," Alema confirms simply. She doesn't say the rest, that we don't know of anywhere else we could go.

We leave it at that, disappearing into the small room. There isn't a bed, but being at war all the time, we hardly use one anyway. There's a lot more I have to say about everything, but as soon as I'm lying on the floor next to Alema, I'm too exhausted – physically and emotionally – to think about talking. Even with a Sith assassin right in the next room, sleep still comes quickly.

**w**

I'm really, really not sure this is a good idea. I don't want to run into the twins by accident again, not yet. I'm not ready. I don't know if I'd be able to walk away from them again, but I know it's what I need. I can't imagine how they must feel, and I don't want to think about them right now, either. It would do no good for me to feel guilty over something that can't be helped.

This, I'd already decided, wasn't about them. It's about... me. Us, I suppose, since Alema is still with me. It's... different, for her, because she's the younger. We mutually care for each other. It wasn't like that with Anakin; he'd always take care of me. I determinedly do not think about the times in the battlefield where we'd run low on food and Anakin had given me his, refusing to have it any other way.

I feel... jittery as we make our way through the familiar building. Going here was harder than it used to be, but people recognize us. That's the worst part about being anywhere public right now, especially here. It takes a frustratingly long amount of time, but we do finally make it to Padme's apartment. The twins are not here – thankfully – but I don't think I sense Padme, either.

One of the handmaids – I think it's Corde – answers the door for us.

"Uh, we're here to talk to Padme," I blurt out awkwardly.

"I'm sure she'll be glad to see you," she replies, seeming the slightest bit surprised. "She's at the Senate now, but she'll be back this evening. You can wait inside." She seems to know without having to ask that we have nowhere else to go.

"Jaufre is at the Senate too?" Alema inquires.

"As always," Corde confirms, smiling faintly.

We take seats in the living room, and I shift uncomfortable, unable to help feeling seriously out of place coming back here so abruptly. Too much has changed and... I'm worried the twins will show up before Padme does, or something.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" Corde queries.

"No, thank you, we'll just wait," I decide. We wait until we're alone to continue speaking. "Hopefully Ventress will have that job for us, soon."

"I'm still not sure I like the idea of working with her," Alema admits.

"Hey, you're the one who suggested we find her in the first place."

"Yeah, because I didn't see another way and I still don't. Unless we stick around here."

I shake my head. "I don't – I can't." I'm not ready.

"I know," Alema sighs, "We'll have to go with this and hope it works."

It isn't as long as I was expecting when a ship docks on the landing platform, and Padme and Jaufre both get out, heading into the apartment. Corde stops to speak to them quietly before they enter the living room, but they both were clearly not expecting us to be here.

"Ahsoka? Alema?" Jaufre is the first to speak, surprise coloring his tone.

"It's good to see you here," Padme is the first to recollect herself, "How are you doing?" Neither of them seem fully sure how to react, which is hardly a surprise.

"I thought you... left?" Jaufre asks.

"We did," Alema confirms, "I wanted to stop by here one more time."

"We're going off-planet," I blurt, "We're going to Ryloth. We thought you'd want to know."

"I – yes. Thank you for letting us know," Padme says, "We were worried about what you were going to do, now that you were gone."

"We didn't really want you hanging out in a place like the Underworld, either," Jaufre adds.

"Don't worry, we have no interest in staying somewhere like that either," Alema declares, "That's why we're going."

"How are you going to get there, if you don't mind me asking?" Padme wonders.

"We... found a job," I answer vaguely. It's probably better if they don't know that we're working with Ventress. That's going to make them – and the twins – worry unnecessarily.

"I think we could offer you one here," Jaufre offers, "If you want."

I shake my head. It hurts to turn him down, but I knew it would when I came here. "We already made our choice."

He nods, though he looks... sad.

"Thank you for telling us," Padme says finally.

"Be careful," Jaufre instructs.

"We will be," Alema promises, sounding about as choked with emotion as I'm feeling right now.

Coming back here made leaving even harder all over again, but I don't regret it. At least we were able to see Padme and Jaufre one last time, because once we leave, I have no idea where this path is going to take us.

**w**

"There you go," Ventress says cheerfully, handing over the credits, "That should definitely be enough to get you to where you want on Ryloth, but you'll probably be penniless after that."

"Thanks for your concern," I reply dryly, "We'll worry about it when we get there."

"Good luck," she says, and I blink in surprise. I'm unsure what to think of her. Without another word, she turns and saunters off.

It's easy enough from there, for us to get onto a transport to Ryloth.

It's weird, being on a civilian transport like this, and riding with other civilians when we're at the same status as them. I only realize now how different it is as opposed to being a Republic officer like the way all of the Jedi are. It's... very different, and honestly awkward and uncomfortable to have to keep learning all of these things on the fly. But it's something we'll have to get used to now. This is the life we've chosen.

Now that we're on the way, I'm suddenly nervous. I don't know what to expect or anything. From the way Alema is sitting, I can tell she's thinking likewise.

"I remember them," she says after a moment, glancing sideways at me, "Vaguely, anyway. Do you think they'll...?"

"Remember you?" I guess, "I don't think they could forget their own child. They won't be expecting us to show up, but they're friendly to the Jedi." Unlike some families, who seem to think that being Force sensitive is some kind of crime. No one I know of on Ryloth is like that.

Alema nods, and we leave it at that. At least now that we're on the move, I have something to focus on other than thinking about our masters, and what happened.

We've been here before, but never like this? Have I unknowingly met some of the Syndullas before when there were battles here in the past? I have no idea, but we'll find out soon enough. The planet is at a tentative peace right now, from what I've heard, though, so we shouldn't have to worry about running into battles.

I look back at Coruscant, towards the Temple, towards the place I called home for the last thirteen years. It's... bittersweet, though I hope someday I'll be able to look back at it without the pain and anger and betrayal crushing me. I'm glad to be gone though, even if I miss the feel of purpose and our masters, our... family.

I can't have that though. Not now.

I'm sorry, Anakin... Aniya.

I hope they know that. I hope it's enough. I can only trust in the Force that they'll be alright without us there, to have their backs, because I know how the war is picking up.

I made this choice though – we made this choice. We can't go back. I don't want to, anyway. Maybe someday, the twins will fit back into our lives. I don't know. I hate myself for leaving them behind, but I had no choice.

The ship jolts as it enters hyperspace, taking me away from the person I love most. Maybe, someday, our paths will find their ways back to each other, but not yet. For now, at least, my path is straight. Definite. I know where I'm going, where we're headed... whether for better or worse. (Even if, I can't help but think, this is really, really only half of a person going.)

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