Book Three/Chapter Forty-Four: "Adjustments and Attitudes"
Ben needed to know and I was glad he had come, but hearing the dreadful news at the same time was disheartening. Not that I thought he would think less of me, but for some reason, I felt as if I had disappointed him somehow.
"Surely, there have been advances in medicine that can deal with something like this," he argued with my OB/GYN.
He had every right to say something like that, but the more he complained, the more I began to worry if perhaps he was complaining too much.
Ben loved children and he badly wanted some of his own. We had talked about having four after we were married. The surprise of becoming pregnant so early in our relationship was at first shocking, but we had both warmed up to the idea. I truly believed Ben was excited about becoming a father.
Apparently, that wasn't going to happen now.
"I'm afraid Ami has a genetic disorder that will not allow her to carry a pregnancy to full-term."
I heard Dr. Galina's words, but they weren't timed correctly with her mouth's movements. It was like when the audio was off-sync with the video during a program on television. Or else I was about to have a mental breakdown.
Perhaps something had been revealed on my face because Ben grasped my hand tightly.
"And there's no cure for it?"
Without going into details, Dr. Galina gazed at us both sympathetically. The words protein deficiency and chromosomal abnormalities were echoing in my head and I couldn't quite wrap my mind around what they had to do with me and Ben and why we couldn't be like normal people!
Women all over the world had babies every day! Some of them, like Sabrina, didn't even want them! And now my doctor was telling me that it was impossible for me to have one of my own? That due to this congenital S thing, inhibiting the coagulation, thrombo...whatever - I would never be able to give Ben what he wanted? How was that fair?
"I can recommend some very good counselors who deal with infertility issues," Dr. Galina told us calmly. "And keep in mind, Ami; you are still quite young. In ten years' time, who knows what advances will be made in the field of genetics, endocrinology, and fertility? Don't give up hope."
Later, I recalled Ben saying something to the physician and had the vague realization he was leading me out of the medical building. He was speaking to me and holding my arm, and I was honestly doing the best I could to focus on his words, but it was as if my head was up in the clouds, although there obviously wasn't a thing in the sky.
"Look," I said dreamily to him while gazing upward.
"What is it?" Ben replied, drawing me close. I could tell by his stance and his lowered brow that he was concerned.
"It was supposed to snow today and there's not a cloud in the sky."
Ben slowly stepped away and held me at arm's length while he studied my face carefully. "Ami? My darling? Are you all right?"
The sun was shining down upon me and I could hear the call of magpies from across the street. Despite the cold, the pansies were in full bloom and I enjoyed looking at them.
I'd asked Ben to join me on my follow-up visit and he had taken off work to come with me. It had been six weeks since the miscarriage and I had been hopeful for a clean bill of health. I was more than ready to get on with our lives. I had no idea that we would be dealt another blow. Especially one like this.
I'm still not sure if it was the sunshine, the flowers, the birdsong, or simply Ben's love that wrapped around me, but suddenly, I felt safe and secure, and I knew everything was going to be okay.
"I am," I told him, a small smile actually revealed on my face. "I know you're worried about me going back to such a dark place like I did after I lost the baby, but I'm not going to let that happen this time."
He took a step forward, his hands sliding up and down the sides of my arms. "How can you be so sure?"
There was very little evidence to offer him to prove my words, but I was determined to show him that not only was I tougher than I looked, but I was also a survivor. And besides…
"Because we have a wedding to plan," I reminded him, pulling him along as I began heading toward the parking lot. "That is if you still want to marry me."
I hadn't meant to say such a thing. Ben's loyalty didn't deserve to be questioned. He had never revealed any indication of leaving my side or even a hint of any regret. He was an amazing man and I was fortunate to have him in my life. I wasn't about to mess that up.
"I'm sorry," I told him immediately, coming to a stop to face him. "You don't deserve that, but you do need to think about it and realize I can't give you what you want."
"Ami," he voiced in exasperation, stepping forward.
"Let me finish," I suggested strongly while placing my hand firmly on his uniformed chest. "I just want you to be sure you're okay with that. I don't want you to look back twenty years from now and wonder if you had made a mistake."
Fairly aggressively, Ben pulled me into his arms and wrapped me up tight in a cocoon of strength and security. It was my favorite place to be. Inside it, nothing could touch me. Not even this.
"Don't say such things," he murmured into my ear, his voice affected by powerful emotions. "I love you, not because of what you can give me or what you possess. I think you are the most wonderful woman I have ever met. You are not only beautiful but kind, honest, and smart. You're everything I ever wanted in a partner and I'm not letting you go. Not for any reason! So get those ridiculous thoughts out of your head right now. You're stuck with me and that's the end of it."
Tears sprang to my eyes, not entirely because of what Dr. Galina had told me, but because of what Ben had just said. I didn't deserve his kindness or his love, but I was determined to.
He kissed me then, right in the middle of downtown during the busiest part of the day, and I didn't mind one bit.
Right after Ben went to work that night, I called Sabrina to come over for some hot chocolate, scones, and girl talk. She waddled in a few minutes early, complaining of swollen feet.
"Oh my, you look so uncomfortable!" I announced unnecessarily. "Happy, but uncomfortable!" I amended, not wishing to be as rude as I had sounded.
"Just uncomfortable," she told me as she plopped herself down onto the couch. "Three weeks left and this sucker is coming out of me – whether it wants to or not!
I laughed at her eagerness and although I had no frame of reference for understanding how she felt, I realized how strongly Sabrina wanted to be able to return to her carefree life.
Before I brought up the news of my visit with Dr. Galina, I buttered a scone for her and placed it on a plate along with some fresh blueberry jam, as well as a mug of hot chocolate to go with it.
Sabrina didn't waste time taking a bite and hummed appreciatively. "I can't believe what a homemaker you're becoming! You made these yourself, didn't you?"
"I did," I confessed humbly. "It's one of Ben's family recipes. He picked the berries up in the mountains himself last summer."
"They're delicious," Sabrina told me just before she set the plate on the coffee table. "So what did you want to talk to me about?"
The girl had never been one for beating around the bush. I liked that about Sabrina, but it sometimes made me feel rushed into a conversation I wasn't quite ready to have.
Following a deep breath, I told her everything Dr. Galina had said. She listened quietly and sincerely, her dark eyes narrowing with interest.
"Oh, wow," Sabrina uttered when I'd finished. "I'm so sorry for you and Ben! How's he taking it?"
"Ben?" I asked, somewhat surprised he was her first concern. The two of them never had gotten along all that well. "He's amazing, Sabrina. He really is." I wasn't trying to convince her, just stating the facts as I saw them.
"He loves you, and that's for sure," Sabrina replied before pulling a pillow over and tucking it under her side. "And what about you? How are you handling this? I know how badly you wanted children."
Actually, having children with Ani had never crossed my mind. The short time we were married was so chaotic and stressful, I wasn't about to bring a child into our relationship. But with Ben, it was different.
"I'm okay. Well…" I paused, deciding to be truthful. "I will eventually be okay. I'll graduate soon and then there's the wedding. You're still going to be my maid of honor, right?"
"As long as you don't mind a pregnant moose standing next to you, absolutely!" she replied.
"Oh, don't be ridiculous," I scolded playfully before taking a sip of my drink which was cooling rapidly. Soon, I'd have to add a few more logs to the fire. "You're positively radiant. Isn't that what I'm supposed to say?" I winked at her to let her know I was joking.
"Rotund is more like it. I swear to you, Ami," Sabrina noted while reaching back to rub her own neck muscles. "Never again! I'm never going through anything like this ever again!"
I wanted to remind her that the hard part hadn't even begun, but I didn't want to make her feel any worse. Instead, I said what any supportive and optimistic friend would.
"One of these days you'll meet someone you love more than anything in this world. And for some reason, it just makes sense that you want to experience the joy of creating another life together. I can't imagine there would be anything more rewarding than that."
My eyes had wandered to the far window where the sunlight was fading and coloring the sky a dull lilac. When I returned my gaze to Sabrina, she looked as if she was about to burst out laughing.
"I really don't understand how you and I got to be such good friends, because thoughts like those never enter my head."
Maybe in a way, I felt pity for Sabrina, although she would never want me to. Or maybe I was hoping I could influence her to live a better life, but who was I to say mine was perfect? It was actually far from it!
It was better if I didn't advise her at all. Let her believe the way she wanted and live the life she dreamed of, and I would do the same.
"You can make fun of me all you want," I teased, reaching over to pat her swollen belly, "but I can't wait to see what you and Owen created together. He's going to be beautiful."
"He'd better be, after everything he's put me through," the woman grumbled, lifting her booted feet up onto the table
If Ben was here and saw her do that, he would have had a fit!