townes zamoras. 18.

december, 88 add.

afternoon.

Winter had never been his favorite season. The wind turned bitter, and snow turned gray the moment it touched Six's streets. Six had never been a happy place, exactly, but it was always a little more miserable in winter. His only consolation was that campaign season was over: now, his father's administration was consumed with preparations for the Victory Tour. The final stop was apparently supposed to have a celebration, and this year, thanks to Esper, that stop was District Six.

Thankfully, Townes was largely left out of this. He focused on finals and the end of the semester and, every once in a while, threw in a heads-up to the tabloids. It was honestly too easy now, which took some of the fun out of it- it felt increasingly like a chore. And given Esper's condition, it was also starting to feel… cruel? It wasn't that he was getting worse, but he wasn't much better, either.

(The Esper of early fall was starting to seem like a different person, and it was… Townes had once joked about being concerned, but how else was he supposed to feel? He was watching someone collapse in on himself. There was nothing funny about it.)

He honestly had no idea how Esper was getting anything done, let alone making it to class, but he was. As far as he could tell, Esper was still hanging in there. Academically, at least.

"That wasn't so bad," Townes remarked.

They were walking out of their last final. Townes was pleased with himself- he felt good about his answers. He'd always done well with written exams, and the ache in his hand was a welcome one.

"It was fine," Esper said. "At least it's over."

"True. Three whole weeks off."

"Hooray."

"What, you're not thrilled to hide in your house for three weeks straight? I thought that was like heaven for you."

Esper shrugged. "Three weeks away from you does sound nice."

"Ouch. Maybe I'll have to see what Ryden's up to."

"You're going to spend your break hanging out with my twelve-year-old brother?"

"Isn't that what you're about to do?"

"He's my brother."

"Yeah, and he's my friend. My Science Olympiad friend."

"Oh my god."

"He's way nicer than you, by the way. Not sure where he gets it from. It doesn't seem to run in the family."

"Rhylee is nice."

"So it just skipped you, then?"

"I can be nice when I want to."

"Weird. I don't think I've seen any evidence of that."

Esper sighed. "I'm going home."

"How unexpected."

He shook his head. "See you."

"Bye."

Townes watched him head for the door, his head held low.

Three weeks, he thought to himself.

(He thought he'd be happier about that fact, but he wasn't.)

esper myrellis-verilla. 19.

december, 88 add.

evening.

Without class, Esper was forced to slow down. He had no assignments or studying to fill his sleepless nights- the closest he had was his email, but Sienna had her own life, and he was only able to expect a few messages a day. They'd been sending messages back and forth since his Games ended, and her words had helped more than a few times. Seeing her was the only part of the Victory Tour he was even somewhat looking forward to.

The other bright spot of his break was that he was able to be home. Rhylee insisted on testing every single one of the board games the Capitol had provided them with- one every day- and when they liked the game, they usually played it a few extra times. He couldn't remember the last time the three of them had spent so much time together. It became routine: Esper made dinner, and then they would play a game.

(But the dread… that never fully went away. The dreams didn't go away, either. No one looked forward to night in the Myrellis-Verilla house.)

His last night before the tour- and the last night before the new year started- Rhylee pulled out an old game called Sorry! and began setting it up.

"How long will you be gone, again?" Ryden asked as she unfolded the board.

Esper sighed. "Just a week."

"Where are you going first?"

"Nine, I think."

"And then it's a big loop?"

"Yes."

"I hope it goes by fast," Rhylee said, pulling out the pieces. "That's a lot of traveling."

"I hope so too."

"What time are the Fenleys getting here tomorrow?" Ryden asked.

"Around seven thirty," he answered. "You don't have to get up."

"It's okay," Rhylee said, now shuffling the cards.

"Can I be green?" Ryden asked, reaching for the pawns.

"Yeah. I'll be yellow."

"I'll take blue," Esper said. Rhylee nodded and put the red pawns back in the box. "You guys should show the Fenleys some of these games. I bet they'd love to play with you."

"We should," Rhylee nodded.

"It's a better way to spend your break than watching the Victory Tour," Esper said, gathering his blue game pieces.

"Don't we have to?" Rhylee asked.

"We never really watched it before," Esper pointed out.

"I thought that was because of the electricity bill."

"Yeah, but did you actually want to watch it?"

"No."

"Then don't watch it now. Easy."

"But it's you this time," Rhylee said.

"Honestly, guys," Esper said, "I'll be miserable. You don't have to watch it. Hang out with the Fenleys, or your friends, or do literally anything else."

"...Okay," she said.

"Our friends, like…" Ryden said slowly, "from Science Olympiad?"

"Yeah, exactly."

"Like Townes?"

Esper choked. "I thought you meant from your team."

"Oh. I could hang out with them too."

Rhylee frowned. "Townes does Science Olympiad with you?" she asked Ryden. "I thought he was Esper's friend from school."

"He's not my friend-"

"No, he came to the invitational. Back in October."

"Oh, okay. Wait," she said, turning back to Esper, "he's not your friend? I thought you studied together all the time."

"Only because we had to."

"But he came to the invitational," she said.

"He… did."

"Okay…" Rhylee said, giving him a funny look.

"I'm going first," Ryden announced, reaching for the stack of cards and pulling the top one.

"Three!" He reached for the first of his green pawns.

"After you," Esper said, gesturing to Rhylee.

She took her turn, moving her yellow pawn forward a few spaces. As Esper reached for a card, she said, "No, I think I was right. I think he's your friend."

"He's really not."

"I don't know. You hang out with him all the time, right?"

"No, we're working."

"And there's all the pictures of you guys in magazines."

"Aren't we arguing in most of those?"

"Oh. I guess so."

"Is it my turn again?" Ryden asked.

"I think so. I just went," Esper replied. He glanced back at Rhylee. "Why are you reading tabloids?"

"Some people at school were talking about them before break."

"...The mean ones?"

"No."

"Are they still bothering you?"

"Not really."

"Rhylee, it's your turn," Ryden said.

She pulled a card from the deck and moved her pawn.

"I'm glad they aren't as much of an issue anymore," Esper said. "I was worried."

"It's your turn," Ryden reminded him.

"You were worried about me?" Rhylee asked.

He took his turn. "Well, yeah. That's my job."

"I'm fine," Rhylee said. She reached for a card. "I-"

"Wait, it's my turn," Ryden interrupted. "You guys! Focus!"

"Sorry!"

"You're not supposed to say that until you move our pieces!"

Esper started laughing. "Come on, Rhylee, if we don't play the game right, Ryden will win again."

"Yeah, I will!"

"We can't let that happen," Rhylee grinned.

"Absolutely not."

"Too bad, because I will anyway."

"We'll see about that…"

night.

He stood on his pedestal, and he was alone. The other twenty-three stood silently alongside him, ringing the glass Cornucopia. The timer hanging over the peak of the glass pyramid read 00:00, and he stepped forward hesitantly.

"Portia?" he called. "...Mavka?"

His footsteps echoed against the stone floor as he walked to the Cornucopia. Cautiously, he walked inside, scanning the supply bags for a clue. "Hello?" He turned his head-

-and there she was.

She looked just like she had in the footage.

The red dress.

Dirty blonde hair fanned out beneath her head.

Hole in her stomach.

But this time, she was staring right at him.

"Portia!" he shrieked. "Oh my god- Portia-"

"Why are you surprised?" she asked, her voice flat.

"W-what?" He crouched by her side.

"You knew this was going to happen," she said. "Wasn't this the plan all along? You and Vikram?"

"No- I didn't know- he wasn't supposed to do that!"

"You were in it together," Portia said, the emptiness of her tone so unlike her that it made Esper shudder. "You turned on me together."

"No!"

"You never took me seriously," she continued. "I was just another stepping stone."

"I did take you seriously! I told you that!"

"Did you mean it?" she asked. "We both know you're a very good liar, Esper."

"I meant it. I never lied to you."

"I was just another tool at your disposal."

"No," he insisted. "No- you were the only one I even liked, Portia, the only one. You were the only one who understood! I helped kill Vikram because of what he did!"

"Another kill to your tally," she said. "Even though you, of all people, should have known killing was the last thing I ever wanted. That was what you liked about me in the first place."

"No!" he insisted. "That wasn't why!"

"But it's okay, Esper." She smiled. "Because I lied too."

"...What?"

"I said I'd never haunt you," she said, the smile growing wider- too wide- as it stretched across her cheeks. "But I'm not going anywhere."

"Portia-"

She started laughing, her hollow voice ringing inside the glass pyramid, hurting his ears. He pressed his palms to the side of his head, and they came away bloody- he was bleeding everywhere, and he couldn't make it stop, and she wouldn't stop laughing-

"Esper!" Rhylee shrieked. "Esper, please!"

His eyes popped open, finding himself curled into a ball, his hands pressing into his ear and the lack thereof, his tears staining the sheets. He released his hands, pulling his arms in on himself, and tucked his chin in order to hide his face in his pillow. Rhylee was saying something, trying to coax him to drink some water, but he was too busy hyperventilating, unable to get his words out.

(But what was there to say? When had his words done anyone any good? His apologies stuck in his throat, choking him as they always did, those he owed them to long gone.

But it was all worth it, right?)

(It was.)

(It just happened to also be crushing him.)

morning.

january, 89 add.

"Hi," Esper said. "Thanks for coming."

"Of course," Luna replied. "Where are the kids?"

"In the kitchen."

"They're up already?" Aliyah asked.

"Yeah. They wanted to say goodbye."

"They're sweet," Luna said, walking past them and into the kitchen. Esper hung back by Aliyah, who was still taking her coat off.

(She really did look just like her daughter.)

"I'll be back this time next week," he said, wringing his hands.

"They'll be fine," she said, hanging her coat on a hook. "You don't have to worry about us."

"I will."

She sighed, giving him a worn smile. "How long have you been taking care of them?"

The question caught Esper off guard. "I… um. I don't know. As long as I can remember."

"I had Portia when I was seventeen," she told him. "After that, I got my shit together. But I was too young. And so are you."

Esper could only look at her.

"You don't look good," she said.

"I'm fine," he said, the response automatic.

"Uh-huh."

"Yes."

"They're lucky to have you," she said. "But they aren't the only ones you need to be taking care of."

"Who else?"

And Aliyah, with the deeper voice and the smile lines and the gray strands Portia would never have, the woman Portia would never become, said it just as simply as she would have.

"You."

the first week of january, 89 add.

Piers met him on the train, just as he did six months ago.

(Her absence went unspoken, but not unnoticed.)

Esper went straight to his room as the train left Six, and he didn't come out until they arrived in Nine that afternoon. Piers handed him a paper with some pre-prepared speaking points, and Esper read them to the crowd.

(Nine's ragged breathing-)

Then he was back on the train until tomorrow, his night the same as it always was.

The first district of the next day was One. He forced himself to say some nice things about Serenity- she had only ever been a good ally to him, and a useful asset. He didn't say a word about Vikram. What use was remembering the dead when he didn't want to remember?

(Vikram's fervent apology-)

The second district that day was Seven, one of his few reprieves. He had nothing to do with them, and he'd killed the one who did. He said some words about their good performance, and about the girl especially- she'd made it so far without hurting a single tribute, and Esper envied that, just a little bit. Then it was back to the train and the dreams.

Then District Four.

He glanced at what Piers had written and immediately spotted the bias his Mentor had towards his own district. He skipped those. Once he was done with the usual parts that he repeated everywhere, he looked at their families.

"I had a… difficult relationship with Sirenna and Lio," he said. "But I'll never forget them. Lio especially."

(Sirenna's bitter falsehoods-)

(Lio's choked cries-)

Back on the train to District Three, trying to find decent words to say about the girl who tried to electrocute him.

(Three's frozen shock-)

Back on the train to District Five, to say kind things about two kids he never met.

Back on the train to District Two, struggling to look the Troys or the Aelins in the eye.

(Tyger's bow snapping-)

(Mavka's hand slipping-)

Back on the train to Ten, one platform completely empty and the other overcrowded, but with sorrow enough to make up for the other's absence.

(Ten's defiant courage-)

Back on the train to Eleven, the despair thick in the crowd, the girl's baby sibling too young to understand their own loss.

Back on the train to District Eight, to the first death of the Games, and Esper wished he could forget the feeling of the boy's shoulders under his hands, or the look on the boy's one relative, who looked to be his older brother...

(Eight's fearful begging-)

And then, finally:

District Twelve.

The station in District Twelve was small and filled with Peacekeepers. Esper wasn't sure why, as no one seemed particularly interested in his arrival: he thought he'd seen misery in Six, but this was a whole new kind of dreary. The wind snapped at his ear, and he winced-

-except there was one person who was extremely interested in his arrival, and the Peacekeepers stepped out of her way as they saw her coming.

All Esper managed to catch was a flash of blonde, and then she was embracing him, wrapping her arms around him and hugging him tight. She knocked the wind out of him, and he wheezed, hugging her back just as tight.

(It was the best hug he'd received in months.)

"Hi!" Sienna said. She was bundled up in a winter coat and a scarf, her nose and cheeks pink from the cold. Her blonde hair was pulled into a bun, a few wisps freed by the wind, and her watery blue eyes were alert and looking right at him. "How are you?"

"I…" Esper faltered. "Fine."

She gave him a look. "Liar."

"I- I'm not-"

"I'm sort of kidding," she said. "Come on. I'll walk you to the square, and you can get this over with. It's your last stop before home, right?"

"Yeah, it is." They started walking away from the train station, the Peacekeepers in tow.

"No need to delay things, then. I'm sure you're over this by now."

Esper exhaled. "I am."

"How are you holding up?" she asked.

"It's been awful," he said. "Awful."

"Yeah."

"There's just so many people on those platforms," he said.

She winced. "Yeah."

"I just… I don't…"

"It sucks."

"Yeah," Esper said, relieved that she understood.

"You're almost there," she said. "And then you'll never have to do it again."

"But the Games…"

"Yeah." She sighed. "That doesn't go away. But! I'll be there with you almost the whole time."

"Thank you."

"Of course," Sienna said. "It's just… it's nice to be able to do this for someone. And to not be by myself."

"Piers seems to disagree with that."

"Aurelia did too," she replied. "But that's okay. We found better."

She smiled at him, and Esper found himself returning it- because how could he not? She was nothing but supportive. She understood. She knew.

"Okay. The square's right up here. I'm actually supposed to be onstage with you, too."

"We're there already?"

"Twelve's not the biggest," she answered. "Let's go."

Esper climbed the steps to the stage overlooking the crowd. He caught sight of the two platforms- the girl's was so big, and they all looked just like her…

(Twelve's familiar eyes-)

He looked back at Sienna, who offered a reassuring smile.

And then he turned back to the crowd, and he repeated his talking points.

townes zamoras, 18.

january, 89 add.

early afternoon.

By the time Esper arrived back in Six, Townes was bored out of his mind. He had nothing to do- no school, no assignments, nothing from his father, no classmate to annoy as much as possible. Occasionally, he tuned into the coverage, but Esper was keeping it short, and there wasn't much to watch. Thankfully, his arrival home was much more interesting: Six was taking its first opportunity in decades to celebrate a Victor. It was chaos. It was incredible. Townes was thriving.

Esper was not.

He'd thought the victory speech would be victorious- it only seemed natural- but Esper took a different turn with it.

"I am glad to be home," he said. "I am. But we still lost Portia Fenley. She was one of our best, and all of these celebrations forget that. A girl still died. She still deserves to be mourned. Don't forget it."

It certainly wasn't what he'd been expecting to say. It also wasn't what his father had expected Esper to say, not with all the effort he'd put into the celebrations.

(If Townes were being completely honest, it was a bit thrilling to watch Esper get a rise out of his father like that. The celebrations still went on, of course, but they took an hour or so to ramp up to what Townes had expected. He did not mind the inconvenience it caused his father.)

Unsurprisingly, Esper was absent from the parties. Townes knew exactly where he was- home- but he couldn't blame him this time. He'd been gone for a week. From what he'd seen of the footage, he was somehow managing to look worse than ever. He probably needed it.

(Still… it would have been nice to see him. Just once.)

esper myrellis-verilla. 19.

late afternoon.

It was a relief to walk through the front door of his own house. Rhylee and Ryden came running at him, and he held them close, holding his tears back with difficulty.

It had been a long week.

Luna and Aliyah followed a moment later. "Thank you so much for staying," Esper said. "I really, really appreciate it."

They exchanged a look. "Of course," Aliyah said. "And we appreciated what you said today."

"Absolutely."

"Do you mind if we talk to you for a minute before we go?" Luna asked.

"Yeah. Of course."

Esper shrugged off his coat and followed them into the living room. Rhylee and Ryden disappeared upstairs.

"So," Luna said, once they'd all settled in, "how are you, Esper?"

Esper caught the tone shift. "I've been better," he said slowly.

"We talked with Rhylee and Ryden about how you've been doing lately," Luna continued.

"Oh."

"I would like to remind you, Esper, that I am a licensed medical professional," Luna said. "I've left a copy of my card in the office, and both of the kids have one as well."

"She's good at what she does," Aliyah added. "I would know."

"It doesn't have to be right now," Luna said, "but come see me, okay? Sooner the better. And if seeing me specifically makes you uncomfortable, I have plenty of other recommendations I'd be happy to give you. I'd just like you to see someone. I'm extremely concerned about your health."

"I… yeah. I guess that makes sense."

"Good."

"Remember what we talked about," Aliyah said.

Esper sighed. "I do."

Luna gave him a warm smile. "That's all. We'll leave you be, now."

"Thank you again," Esper said. "And I… I'm so sorry."

"That's not your apology to make," Aliyah said, her smile sad.

"But I am."

"I know," Aliyah said. "I know."