It almost felt strange to wake up naturally.
I welcomed the sunlight streaming across my room from between the blinders, perking me up enough to manage a yawn and to stare blankly at my ceiling. I wondered briefly as I lay: just how long have I been making do with such little rest? It now felt foreign to've slept soundly until morning.
Half a week had passed since the previous Angel was defeated. Now that we were approaching the notable dates of late December, my obligations to working at the HQ had subsided. The holidays were upon us, and even if that weren't the case, Misato and Dr. Akagi both agreed I should take some time to get my physical health back up to par anyway.
Holidays were in place for Asuka as well, finishing up her second semester at school just yesterday. We celebrated her new marks, and the report card of months ago stayed a distant memory. I'm proud of how far she's come, truly I am, but when I think about how she acted during the last fight… something catches in my chest. Is it just me worrying too much? How many times will we have the chance to avoid something catastrophic happening because of her attitude?
….no, that's not a good way to think. She realized her mistake. I should give her more credit than that. It shouldn't happen again.
I spent a while continuing my aimless staring contest with the ceiling, both thinking over all the things that had happened lately, and just enjoying the morning sun. The world had been moving so fast, I was fully ready to just let things slow down for now. However, figuring I had been lazing about enough for one morning, I made efforts towards lifting myself out onto the floor. Breakfast wasn't going to cook itself, no matter how few obligations I have otherwise.
What were we going to do today, I wonder? No school, no work; just time.
It seems like a nice day out, which made me wonder if a walk to the park would do us good…
"Oh, morning. I didn't think you'd be up already."
As I exited the hallway, I quickly noticed Asuka sitting on the couch, watching TV. Still wearing her usual long t-shirt and shorts that she wears to bed, holding a mug of tea and letting her hair stay in its usual morning mess. However, something seemed different about her. Asuka's not typically a morning person in the slightest, so even finding her here at 9:30 was enough to raise an eyebrow…
"Huh?" It almost seemed like I surprised her. She mustn't have heard me coming out of my room. "Yeah, morning. I think I've still got… school brain or something. Once 8am hit, I woke up and I couldn't fall back asleep, so…"
She's been up for more than an hour already? Hmm.
"Aw, that sucks. I was planning to let you sleep in and everything." I walked into the kitchen and prepped the coffee machine with a smirk. "You know, you could've woken me up if you wanted breakfast. I wouldn't have minded." I followed with a chipper laugh as the percolator began heating up.
I heard Asuka sigh in the other room. "Misato chewed you out the other day for not getting enough sleep, so I figured I'd let you sleep in. You're welcome."
My laugh fizzled out. Pretty sad that she felt she needed to look out for me. It's supposed to be the other way around, though I suppose it was necessary given how poorly I had taken care of myself. It really was sobering, not to mention embarrassing.
"R-Right, uh… thanks." I returned to the living room as I waited for my drink, feeling a bit knocked off balance by her comment. I quickly changed the subject to regain a bit of control. "So, any plans for today?"
She sipped on her tea while pondering my question. "Mmh, I don't think so. Well, Hikari is out shopping with her sisters today. Christmas, and all that." I nodded.
"Ah, that makes sense." I heard the coffee pot begin filling up behind me after a short silence. "Is there anything you wanted to do? I'm free all day, so I can take you somewhere, if you want."
Asuka didn't answer right away, so I turned back into the kitchen and made myself a cup of coffee. I couldn't place my finger on it exactly, but this weird air around her wasn't just some tiredness. I didn't notice anything like it yesterday either, so it was starting to bother me quite a bit.
"...are you going to make breakfast now?"
Well, she didn't sound too much different. Maybe I'm too rested.
"I can certainly get a start on it." I looked into the den to get some kind of gauge of her expression, but she had already turned back towards the TV.
It was just a normal breakfast of rice, an omelette, and miso soup, nothing fancy. Once we sat at the table together, I got a better look at her. I could tell she wasn't in a very good mood, and we began eating in relative silence. I didn't much care for this weird tension in the air, so I decided to reiterate my earlier question to break the silence, see if I could poke around to find out what was up.
"Oh, hey, you didn't tell me what you wanted to do today." I asked in the most polite voice I could. It was then that I noticed Asuka had barely touched her food. "...what's up? Are you not feeling well today?"
She shook her head softly. "No, it's not that…. I don't know. Maybe." After a few more minutes of awkward silence, with neither of us eating, she sighed. "I just keep thinking about the other day and it… pisses me off."
I stared at her blankly, unable to produce a reaction to her sudden question quick enough. "You… mean during the fight?" She looked down at her food, pursing her lips. "Thinking it over again and again is probably what kept you awake, huh?"
"What? N-No…" After a moment she left another sigh loose. "...damn it. It was just so embarrassing to have everyone looking at me like that. Like I had done something awful. And before you say anything, I know! I was a… total bitch because I couldn't control my… whatever, but why do I keep thinking about it?"
I took a sip of my coffee.
"Sounds like you really did catch the guilt to me."
"G–Guilt!? What do I have to feel guilty for? I already apologized to stupid Shinji and Misato!" She pouted as she poked around at her food. "Besides, the Angel died. All's well that ends well, right? I thought that's how it was supposed to be. This isn't fair."
"Well." I cleared my throat as I walked my empty dishes to the sink. "Feeling guilt isn't always a bad thing, you know. It means you're not completely devoid of a conscience." I said with another chuckle.
"Oh, shut up." Asuka finally started to eat her breakfast after that. "That's an awful joke for you, you know!"
I sat back down next to her to finish my coffee. "I'm serious. I really think this is a big step for you. It means you do feel bad for endangering the mission through your callous disregard for your allies and the mission." I brought my mug up to my lips as she shot me a glare.
"...you… didn't have to say it like that, jerk."
"I know." My mug was placed back onto the table with a soft thud, and I brought my hand up to scratch my chin. "But that's reality, isn't it? That's… what happened. Dancing around it to make you feel better won't make your guilt go away. It'll just reinforce itself as a bad habit. Hearing that you messed up, even if you don't like how it sounds; that's important. The fact that you don't like hearing it said that way means you acknowledge it as a mistake, because you feel guilty that it happened in the first place."
Silence fell over the kitchen as she continued to eat. I could tell she was thinking about what I said rather than trying to just move past it. That was… good, right? It means I said the right things?
"...Do you think the First Child feels guilty for hitting me?"
I waited a moment before speaking. "Now that… I can't say for sure. I suppose it depends on if she thought what she did was justified. I know Misato talked to her afterwards, but…"
Asuka stood up and brought her own dishes to the sink. "...stupid doll couldn't even work up the courage to apologize to me, so it's pretty clear how she felt there. If the thing can even feel guilt." She didn't say it loudly, but after she spoke, she walked back into the living room and threw herself onto the couch. I winced at her scalding words towards Rei.
From everything I've noticed, it does seem like Rei really does work differently from all of us. There's a clear divide between how each of the pilots do things, however Rei stands the furthest apart. I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing… nor do I think Rei was fully out of line with the notion behind her slap. The divide has continued to grow, and will continue until something changes, that much is inevitable. That aspect of their team really is a mess, and I'm just not sure what I can do to help.
Tired of my own internal ramblings, I took my mug of coffee into the living room and stood next to the couch, peering down at the redhead who looked like she was trying to hold the world up on her shoulders. After a couple seconds, she looked up at me, waiting for me to speak.
"Alright already, enough with being mopey." She opened her mouth to say something but I stopped her in her tracks. "It's a beautiful day, the sun's shining, the birds are singing, and whatever's happened has already passed. There's no going back, there's only learning from what you've done and using that to your advantage in the future! So let's not waste today by worrying about what we couldn't change. That goes for both of us!"
Asuka just sorta… stared at me, confusion spreading across her face. "...wh-what?"
"You heard me! We're free! The holidays are only here for so long! So, come on, get yourself dressed. I'm gonna take you to the park and we're gonna recharge!"
It really was a nice day. It never gets cold enough to snow in Japan anymore, but the Winter months do have a certain briskness to them that makes them stand out. I much prefer it to the heatwaves we deal with the other nine months of the year, at any rate. Makes walking around the city like this much more manageable. Luckily, Japan has year-round shorts weather, so I was moving lightly in those, with just a t-shirt and a small knapsack with some water and snacks. Asuka opted for her yellow sundress, a clothing item I hadn't seen from her in quite some time. Nostalgic, in a way. With it, she had taken a sunhat and was strolling alongside me at an even pace.
"I think I remember reading once that it still snows in Germany, yeah?"
Asuka smiled smugly at the conversational prospect of her home country. "Sure does! Even with the heating of Earth's climate, I've seen snowfall a number of times. Deutschland gewinnt weiter!" Her chin raised up proudly. "Not like this hell country. I think I've sweat more this year than I have in my entire life. Blech."
It really was fascinating to hear that. "I'd love to see snow again someday. I remember playing in it as a child, I think… before my sister was born. Throwing snowballs around in the street with Tatsumi. That scene pops out when I try to think about snow." As I reminisced, Asuka's chin lowered, her pride seemingly tapering off.
"W-Well, it's not like we get blizzards or anything, so you probably won't get any flashbacks to your childhood with just what falls in Germany… if you were planning to visit someday or something stupid like that. You'd have to go way further north, probably."
Visiting Germany? I'll admit it had crossed my mind before, but wouldn't that be a little strange? I wouldn't do something like that until years and years had passed, probably. Then she could show me around properly. Though, any plans like that are for once all the fighting is finished, even if I don't know what I want to do with my life once that comes about… assuming the fighting does end, of course. For all I know, the Angels could be onslaughting against us forever. A harrowing thought, to say the least.
I didn't expect to see so many people at this park today. It's the closest one to the apartment, on top of a nice hill, giving a decent view of the residential district. It's nothing special, really the first thing that comes to mind when you think "park". Trees, grass, walking paths, benches, and… a lot of people, suddenly. The holidays are likely to give everyone more free time than usual, I guess. Hopefully it wouldn't be too hard to find a place to sit.
Before we got a chance to actually find a place where we could relax and talk for a while, we came across a certain duo…
"Lieutenant Hatsuyuki, it's a pleasure to see you on this fine day, sir!" A vibrantly saluting Kensuke Aida stood at attention just a few feet in front of us. I could feel my ears growing warm out of second-hand embarrassment as the young man bowed deeply.
"Uhh…" I was at a loss for words as he held the position. "At ease?" Kensuke lowered his arm to his side, still keeping his body stiff. "Look, I'm… not even on duty today. Besides, my rank is just an honorary thing, you really don't need to salute me." Asuka scoffed at Kensuke's shameless roleplaying.
"With all due respect, Lieutenant, I must insist! It's only natural to salute those of a higher rank!"
….well, whatever makes him happy I guess.
Beside him, an equally embarrassed Toji Suzuhara stood, glaring at his buddy. In his muddied hand, a modest bouquet of colorful flowers. "Knock it off, dude. He might have a rank, but he's just a normal guy when he's out like this." Immediately his expression changed to one of a more sinister nature as he directed his attention to Asuka. "He's just taking his pet harpy out for a walk."
"Isn't stealing flowers from the park a crime, you underdeveloped orangutan?" Asuka calmly bit back, causing Toji to reel slightly, quickly hiding the fistful of flowers behind his back.
"...so, what's it to ya?" The two glared at each other for a second. I was worried I was going to have to break them up, but Asuka eventually let out a sigh.
"Look, I'm really not in the mood to do this today, okay? Can't you two just… go play in traffic or whatever other dumb things you two do?" Toji's stance slacked a little, his expression softening.
"Not in the mood? You were fine yesterday, weren't you? 'Sides, you're always in the mood for banter… I didn't actually mean the harpy bit, y'know."
Asuka scratched her neck awkwardly, turning her head in my direction. "Ew, it's weird when you, of all people, actually show some concern. Gross. Stop it."
"Oh, you snake." Toji smirked. "Set me up like that just to get a cheap shot in? Well, I'll–"
Kensuke nudged him in the side. "Maybe something happened during the last battle, Toji. Shinji was out of school for a few days, so…" He whispered, albeit still in clear earshot of the two of us. Asuka looked down towards the ground, as the two boys' expressions fell.
"Sorry, you guys." I spoke up, the duo's attention turning to me. "It's just that… we've been run pretty ragged this past week. Now that school's out and I'm off until after the holidays, that fatigue managed to catch up."
Toji scratched the back of his head. "Man, I try not to think about it too much, but your jobs are really tough, aren't they? I mean, Tokyo-3 gets trashed every couple weeks, and you all have to be in the middle of it. Sometimes it's easy to forget when I see you at school every other day."
"Yeah, well, it's not too bad of a gig most of the time. Who else is gonna protect the world? Can't just let it all get trashed for good." Asuka said, gaining a bit of a smirk. Toji side-eyed the flowers in his hands.
"I know that. Just hard to think about it actually being you three out there fighting, is all." He started walking past us as Kensuke quickly saluted me again and ran after him. "I'll let you off for the rest of today, but next time I see you, you better be back to normal, ya freakin' witch!" He called back over his shoulder.
I don't think they're bad kids. Despite their bickering, I can tell they're comfortable with each other, and Toji seems surprisingly more sentimental than I would've expected.
"What a dumbass. Doesn't he know he can just buy flowers?" Asuka said under her breath. She noticed that I heard her. "They're likely for his sister. If it's for someone that important, shouldn't he be more careful?"
Toji's younger sister; Sakura, I believe her name is. I had heard she was injured in that first Angel attack. That's hard enough on its own, and on top of that, I bet he worries about her every time another Angel arrives. It all probably weighs on him just as much, if not more, than Asuka's safety does for me. At least I have the benefit of knowing Asuka has an Eva to protect her…
"Maybe he just wants to feel like he's doing something himself for her?"
"Maybe, but that might be giving him too much credit." Asuka snickered. "I bet he was going to pick up flowers, but his tiny brain forgot, and then at the last minute he got the idea to run and steal a bunch from here so he didn't go to meet her with nothing in his hands!" The two of us continued walking the park's paths, looking for a spot to sit. "Honestly, I don't know what Hikari sees in the guy."
I scratched my chin. "Hikari has a thing for him?" First I've heard of this, though not to say I'm much of a gossip guy…
"Yeah, crazy weird right? Like, I expected better from her. She's a straight As type, while Toji sleeps in class." Her eyes flickered for a moment. "If they got together, I don't think it'd work out, they're… too different. I don't think Hikari's ever had a boyfriend either, no experience to keep an oaf like that on a proper leash."
She dropped herself onto the next empty bench we came across, patting the space next to her with her palm as I approached. I guess we'll take a rest here then. "I hear differences are good in a relationship." I spoke, as if that wisdom wasn't one of the most commonly toted factoids on Earth. "Who knows, maybe they'll make it work. She'll whip him into shape!"
Asuka let out a loud guffaw. "Yeah, right, and I'll grow a second head." After she laughed at the prospect for a few more seconds she let out a sigh. "Well, weirder things have happened, I guess. I just don't want her getting brought down because she made a bad choice on a stupid boy."
We sat back on the bench in silence for a while after that. To my surprise, after maybe a half hour of enjoying the sun and sky, I looked over to see Asuka repositioning herself, lying back with her hat over her eyes.
"It's not a terrible place to nap."
"Please. Like I want sunburns all over me. I'm just trying to get more comfortable." I looked back up at the sky. There weren't any clouds, so it was hard to find something to focus on, but I could already feel myself recovering in the intense sunlight. It was a good feeling, and Asuka probably felt the same way. "So hey, what're we doing for the rest of the holidays anyway?"
A sudden question. One I didn't really have an answer for.
"Now that. That's something I'm not too sure of." They've always been something that've come and gone for me without me really realizing in the past. The last time I actually engaged in any kinds of festive activities must've been… when my family was still together. Even from when I lived with my uncle, I can't pinpoint a happy holiday memory of any kind. It's been such a long time, I don't even know where to start. Seems like I've been taking the idea for granted.
"...oh, I guess you wouldn't really know, would you. At least not first-hand accounts, given your past." I appreciated that she picked up on that. Asuka awkwardly adjusted her hat. "I bet Japanese Christmas is all funky and backwards compared to what I'm used to anyway, so my input won't mean a hoot either."
Hmm. I let out a soft chuckle.
"Well, you clearly have more experience there than I do, so we could always just do Christmas your way." Asuka peeked one eye out from under her hat.
"Mmh, yeah that could work. Though, I gotta admit." She sat upright and lifted her hat up. "Really I just know Christmas as a time when Kaji would crack open a bottle of wine, and we'd watch movies, and he'd have presents under a decorated tree for me. I didn't really touch on the religious parts of it."
Religious parts? Ah, it's only just this moment I think I understand why it's called Christmas, then. "I don't think Japan does any religious aspect of it either, so no worries there… Wait, Kaji? Did your parents ever celebrate it with you?" Actually, on that matter, how long exactly did Kaji spend looking out to Asuka anyway? Really, I don't even know the depth of her parental situation either. That's… troubling.
And seeing her expression shift so quickly once that question left my mouth was an immediate flag that something was up. She turned her head away and regained her composure quickly, stammering out "I–I don't know, I just remember Kaji's Christmases, alright?"
"Okay, okay, there's nothing wrong with that! I'm fine with doing it whatever way you want to." She turned back to give me an exasperated look.
"Mein gott, you flake so easily."
"Aha… that's true too." I scratched the back of my neck. "I'm sure whatever we decide to do, it'll be fun enough though."
Her grin was infectious. "Yeah, worrying about it isn't how it should be. It's Christmas! We should just do what feels right! That means I'll be expecting plenty of pres–"
"Asuka."
"Bleh."
We ended up walking around the park together for the rest of the afternoon into the evening, and as the sky began its descent into dusk, we were already on our way home. Being outdoors like that was certainly the refresher we needed, and it almost made me want to make this a frequent thing. Or maybe even a bigger journey into the outdoors? Could be fun. Next time, I'll ask Shinji if he wants to come too… outside of Asuka's earshot of course. I also got a text from Misato on the way back to let me know I was greenlit to practice with her at NERV's shooting range tomorrow afternoon, so long as I get a full night's sleep tonight. Shouldn't be any worries there.
So, the two of us returned once more to our nightly routine of playing Rebel Gear Squalid together.
Unfortunately, however, tonight would be our final night of playing it, as Asuka approached the final boss fight; a battle of nothing but fists and feelings between master and student. The mission was a success. Drake, a hero. Now the only thing standing in his way was the person he had once trusted most, The Master, now a traitor to their country.
It was a hard battle, but Asuka had been preparing. No, the game had been preparing her. She was a master of both gunplay and CQC, her inventory packed with items.
And even with all that, the battle was long and hard fought. Asuka didn't say a word for the 20 minutes she played, her eyes zeroed in on the screen. I myself was captivated by, not only her skill, but the tragic beauty of such a game. It was an eye-opener, to see a game like this. I had only even looked at games as nothing more than childrens toys, but this was… intense. There was so much emotion packed into this story that I can hardly even find the words to express.
Just as soon as it had begun, it ended.
The Master had become a traitor, not out of genuine betrayal, but out of necessity to protect her country. To teach Drake a lesson, to have him understand the role he would need to fill in his Master's absence. And it was done at the cost of the Master's life. It was difficult for me to parse. Maybe I'm just a weak person, but I had some trouble accepting that the loss of the Master's life was more beneficial to this world that was set up than however much it would've taken to clear her name.
Some ideals are worth dying for? The preservation of one's own view of honor, loyalty to a country that had ordered your death? Certainly an incredible game, an expertly crafted story, but that aspect there… was tough for me.
The credits rolled, and we sat on the floor of the now darkened living room, listening to the music play over the sea of names who put their time into crafting this experience. The Master's actions kept playing over in my mind, as well as the sight of Drake's now broken demeanor in the epilogue section.
"I wonder if the Master said everything she wanted to say to Drake before she died."
"I'd like to think she did." I folded my arms, and thought about it all for a second. "She seemed like the kind of woman who wouldn't've died unless she did everything she wanted to do. Everything that happened, she had accounted for from the start."
Asuka shifted her seating a couple times, clearly bugged by something. "Living and dying isn't as simple as it seems, is it?" I raised an eyebrow.
"How do you mean?"
"It's just… I've faced death a lot, and it usually doesn't scare me, but for some reason… seeing how prepared the Master was to die, watching her accept it as part of her mission. I don't think I could do that." She pushed some of her hair out of the way, almost as if she were wiping her face. Once the game returned to the title screen, she leaned forward and turned off the machine, leaving us sitting in the quiet room, blue TV light being the only source of illumination. "...but I want to be strong like that. I want to die without any regrets, and without having anything left unsaid…" She was still staring at the screen, her expression tense. "...Lieutenant, I… um…"
My arms unfolded and I scratched my chin in thought. "I don't know about all that. The Master was strong, of course, but just dying didn't make her strong." Asuka looked back at me, her face scrunched up like I had told a bad joke. "I think her strength came from staying true to herself, even in the face of necessitating her death. Not the act of dying itself. I don't think dying…ever has more meaning than choosing to live."
Asuka sighed, bringing a hand up to her face in exasperation.
"Ich weiß das. Dummkopf. Ich will leben, damit ich der beste sein kann." She said softly, with a hint of superiority in her voice. I had no idea what she said, except for maybe that she called me an idiot. I've started to pick up on that one. As she stood up to walk into the hall, she spoke again. "Oh well, maybe next time we're out, we can see if there's another game we can play together. I liked having you as my inexperienced co-pilot."
I felt my eye twitch. "H–Hey, I was pulling my own there towards the end… kinda." I couldn't have made a bigger lie. I might've actually regressed in skill from the start of the game, because I was trying to keep up with her.
"Oho!" She hollered gleefully, spinning on her heel. "Maybe we can see if they make games for old men. That might be more your speed!" Her expression changed to one of surprise when I started laughing.
"Honestly, I might need that." Asuka bit her lip and gave me a confused look. "Y'know, I'm actually going to get some coordination help tomorrow at the HQ. Misato's going to teach me how to shoot a gun." Now it was Asuka's turn to laugh.
"You? Shooting a gun? That'll be a riot, if your game skills are anything to go by." She turned back towards the hallway. "I gotta see that, so, of course, I'll be coming with you."
"Well, duh. I wasn't going to leave you here alone all day."
"I… I would've made plans!" I turned off the TV and followed her into the hall, where she stopped just before her room and turned back towards me, all cute-like. "...will you let me shoot a gun if I'm a good girl?"
"No."
Author's Note : It's been a little bit, huh? How's it going? I got a job a little while back, and I've had a pretty messy time with it. Life's been a little hectic so finding the time to write got a little tough for a bit. Don't worry though, I haven't forgotten about Asuka and Matsuo! I'll finish this thing no matter what.
So, I've heard some rumors about 's issues. They do worry me, and because of that, I'll be posting a link to my AO3 account on my profile. There's nothing there yet, but, over the next few months, I'm gonna work on touching up all the existing chapters of the fic (cleaning them up, making things a bit more consistent, etc.) and I'll eventually roll them all out there, and then just upload to both sites as I make new chapters.
Anyway, hope you enjoyed that chapter! I had a lot of fun writing it. I might be a bit slower with chapters now, but just hang tight. I'm still working on it all haha
Peace!