Rating: PG-13 for the obvious reasons
Notes: Pardon any grammatical errors, spelling errors, plot errors, script errors, whatever. I wrote this while preparing to take my AP European Exam (which I must pass with a 4 or a 5 to get college credit o.o;), so I was a bit flustered. FYI, 'kneazles' are cat-like creatures from 'Magical Beasts and Where to Find Them'. Anyway, enough prattle! Enjoy!
Draco: (to the other revolutionaries) Look, he's gone straight to the Hippogriff! (points to a Hippogriff-shaped building)
Elsewhere…
Snape: (mutters to Crabbe) Tell Harry that the Sparkling Diamond is waiting. (stalks off, very Snape-like)
In the Hippogriff…
(The Hippogriff is a large Hippogriff-shaped structure atop the Red Tower. It's very well-made, and from a distance one might mistake it for the real thing. Ron stands before an opening in the Hippogriff's 'chest', hands behind his back and a nervous expression on his face. Behind him is an opulently furnished bed complete with brilliantly red and pink silk sheets, velvet pillows, and rich velvet curtain hangings. A small table sits next to Ron – who can't seem to stop fidgeting – and it is covered in exotic fruits and expensive wines. The Hippogriff is decorated in a distinctly Medieval style, with great woven tapestries on the walls and golden sconces with lit torches burning brightly. Ron is staring at the moon, running his lines in his head, when Hermione enters the room. The is quite scantily clad, and when Ron turns to face her, his eyes very nearly pop out of his skull.)
Hermione: (seductively) This is an excellent place for a… poetry reading… don't you think? (crosses to the table) Would you like a glass of wine?
Ron: Erm, actually, if you don't mind, I'd rather get it over and done with.
Hermione: (very nearly drops the glass) Oh! (walks over to the bed and lounges on it) Well then, why don't you come down here and… get it over with?
Ron: Actually, I'd prefer to do it standing.
Hermione: Oh! (moves to get up)
Ron: You don't have to stand! It's just, it may be quite long, and I'd prefer you to be comfortable. (Hermione looks quite interested by this pronouncement) It's quite modern, what I do, and it may feel a little funny at first – but I'm sure if you're open you'll enjoy it!
Hermione: I'm sure I will!
(Ron nods, then turns, trying to find the right poem to start with. Half-naked Hermione isn't helping any. Thinking he's got a grasp on things, he turns back to her.)
Ron: The sky… the sky is… oh dear. (turns around again, making various nerve-curing noises while muttering 'come on' to himself and attempting to ignore Hermione's seduction noises. It isn't working.)
Hermione: (sits up, faintly annoyed) Um, excuse me… is everything all right?
Ron: (turns around abruptly, blushing crimson. His poems have never failed him before. Then again, he's never had to say them in front of a scantily-clad woman inside of a Hippogriff before) Erm, well, yes – it's just that sometimes it takes a while for – for inspiration t-to come.
Hermione: (nods understandingly, thinking she knows what the problem is.) Oh, I see… (goes about things in typical Hermione fashion – straight to the root of the 'problem') Let mommy help you… (grabs Ron's crotch, and the wizard stiffens in shocked surprise, letting out a half-gasp half-yelp sort of noise) Does that inspire you? Come on, let's make love! (shoves Ron onto the bed and tackles him with gusto)
Ron: O.O W-wha-
Hermione: You know you want to make love! You can feel the poetry! (Ron struggles somewhat against Hermione's 'professional' hands, making a lot of noise – both protesting and not-so-protesting sorts of noises. Of course, trying to escape Hermione is like trying to escape a devil's snare – remember Ron and task two? Meanwhile, outside, Neville, Black, and Lupin are lowering Draco down off of the Hippogriff's beak.) I need your poetry, now! (yanks Ron's pants down) Ooo, big boy!
Draco: (swings down just as Ron's pants come off) O.O He's got huge… talent!
Ron: (wriggles out from under Hermione and leaps to the floor. He then stands up quickly, hitching his pants back up, and whirls around to face Hermione with an expression of distress on his face. He obviously didn't expect any of this.) It's a little bit funny!
Hermione: What?
Ron: It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside. I'm not one of those who can easily hide; is this – is this all right, is this what you wanted?
Hermione: (Once again, totally misses the point) Oh, poetry! Yes – yes this is what I want: naughty words!
Ron: I – I don't have much money, but by God if I did, I'd buy a big castle where we could both live! (Ron attempts to ignore Hermione, who is… a bit busy on the floor, and the glances he keeps giving her are deeply disturbed) If I were an Auror – no wait, never mind – I'll be an alchemist, making rocks shine! I know it's not much but it's the best I can do- (turns from Hermione and bursts into song) My gift is my song!
(Hermione stops and looks up at Ron, completely taken off guard, but completely awestruck. So _this_ is what he meant by poetry…)
And this one's for you
And you can tell everybody that this is your song
I hope you approve of it, now that it's done
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in words,
How wonderful life is, now you're in the world (turns back to Hermione with a big Weasly grin)
I sat on the roof and I shooed off the owls
Some of these verses well they, they made me quite proud
'Cos the moon's been kind while I wrote this song!
It's for people like you that keep it turned on!
(The aforementioned moon sings backup)
Please excuse my forgetting – to me they seem new
See, I've forgotten if they're gold or they're blue!
But, anyway, the thing is – and I really love you,
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen!
(Takes Hermione's hand and leaps out of the Hippogriff, landing magically on a thick, sparkling swath of clouds that hovers above Hogwarts. They dance among the turrets, Ron swinging Hagrid's big, pink umbrella, while the moon sings. Atop the Hippogriff's head, Draco and the Revolutionaries howl like wolves.
And you can tell everybody, this is your song!
I'm glad you approve it, now that it's done…
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I've put down in words…
How wonderful life is, now you're in the world!
(The moon sings a final burst of song as Ron and Hermione return to the Hippogriff. As the music ends, Ron dips Hermione, this time without stuttering, and Hermione is completely lovestruck. You can almost see the little love hearts popping up around them)
Hermione: I can't believe it (sighs) I'm in love with a clever, handsome professor!
Ron: (laughing softly) Professor?
Hermione: Not that the title's important.
Ron: I'm not a professor.
Hermione: (dreamily) Not a Professor?
Ron: No, I'm a writer 7th-year.
(The romantic music groans to an abrupt stop as the light bulb blinks on in Hermione's brain. She pulls herself out of Ron's arms, looking faintly dangerous.)
Hermione: Oh no, you wouldn't be another one of Draco Malfoy's charmingly Hogwartisen, dashingly 7th-year impoverished writers, would you?
Ron: (shrugs modestly, still smiling) I suppose you could say that-
Hermione: (screeches) I'm going to kill him!
Draco: (hurriedly pulls himself up) We may have a small problem…
Hermione: (hurriedly, to Ron) You must leave – the Professor… (opens the door to see Harry standing with Snape, explaining Hermione's absence. She shuts the door and whirls about) The professor! Hide!
Harry: (opens the door slightly) Are you decent for the professor?
Hermione: (whirls about again, holding out an arm to block Ron – who is crouching behind her legs – with the sleeve of her robe. She smiles falsely, half-glaring at Ron.) Of course!
(Enter Snape: Slime ball extreme. He has obviously not washed his hair in a few days; it looks wet, and you can see the comb tracks running through it. His skin is pale and unpleasant, like the skin of something that has crawled out from under a rock. He's quite scrawny, even more so than Ron (who at least has some muscle from Quiddich games) and he's… old.)
Hermione: I'm so pleased that you could take time out of your busy schedule to come.
Snape: (smiling greasily) The pleasure, I fear, will be entirely mine. (goes to kiss her hand) A kiss on the hand may be quite continental-
Hermione: (pulls her hand away) -but aces are a girl's best friend. Very clever, my dear Professor.
Harry: I think I'll just leave you two kneazles to become better acquainted. (leaves)
Snape: (walks towards the table that Ron is now hiding under) After tonight's pretty exertions on stage, would you care for some fruit or wine?
Hermione: (shrieks, eyes wide) Don't! Um- (calms down and turns towards the window in the Hippogriff's chest) don't you just love the view?
Snape: (somewhat puzzled) Charming, I'm sure. (goes to turn back to the table)
Hermione: (makes a trilling noise and starts dancing crazily around the room) I feel like dancing! Don't you?
Snape: (perturbed) Well-
Hermione: (suddenly) It's a little bit funny!
(Ron peeks up from behind the table on hearing his words, and luckily Snape isn't looking his way. The professor still looks rather confused; this isn't going quite how he expected)
Hermione: This- (looks over Snape's shoulder and sees Ron mouthing the words) feeling! Inside. I'm not one of those who can easily- (Ron plays peek-a-boo while mouthing 'hide') Hide! (Ron slips, causing a dish to fall off the table and splatter noisily to the floor. Snape whirls about but is soon distracted again when Hermione throws herself at his feet and clutches his legs) I don't have much money, but if I did, I'd buy a big castle where we could both live! (sings softly while rising to her feet, running her hands up Snape's sides as she does) I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind that I put down in words, how wonderful life is now you're in the world. (Snape's eyes light up, and he smiles stupidly – he is completely and irrevocably infatuated with the Sparkling Diamond)
Snape: Beautiful!
Hermione: (her face close to Snape's she flickers her eyes from Ron's eyes back to the Professor's) It's from 'Spectacular! Spectacular!' Suddenly with you here, I found the true meaning in those words.
(Ron creeps towards the door and opens it quietly, but stops dead in his tracks when he sees Crabbe standing guard outside)
Snape: And what's that?
(Startled, Ron shuts the door loudly and is nearly seen. In that instant Hermione saves him by hurling herself on the bed, wailing)
Hermione: Don't toy with my emotions, professor! You must know the effect you have on witches!
Snape: Well, I suppose-
Hermione: (reaches up and yanks Snape down onto the bed with her, glaring over his shoulder at Ron. She motions to the back door, her face a mask of suppressed rage) Let's make love! You know you want to make love! (Snape protests slightly while Ron gives Hermione a reproving glance) you're right, we should wait until opening night. (Ron nods and grins, then shoots for the back door, where he hides behind a set of curtains) You should leave. (Shoves Snape off of her and stands)
Snape: But I've only just arrived!
Hermione: (pushing him out the door) Yes, but we'll be seeing each other every day once rehearsals start! Goodbye – get out. (slams the door in Snape's face, then wheels about on Ron, who has emerged from hiding) Do you have any idea- (gasps) any idea what would have happened (gasps) if you were found? Ooh… (eyes roll back in her head and she faints, conveniently, into Ron's arms)
Ron: O.o Hermione! (shakes her)
Back at the Gryffandor Rouge…
Harry: Let's have a little peeky-poo… (casts a viewing spell and sees what looks like Snape holding Hermione) Right on, darling!
(Ron is very disturbed by Hermione's sudden fainting spell and tries to wake her – unsuccessfully. He then decides that it might be a good idea to lay her on the bed until she recovers. He drags her in that general direction, with some difficulty, and he's nearly there when his Weasly clumsiness gets the better of him. His legs get tangled in Hermione's, and he trips. Miraculously, Hermione lands on the bed – with Ron on top of her. Snape chooses just that moment to enter the room.)
Snape: I forgot my wa- (notices Ron and Hermione. Ron shakes his head, trying desperately to think up a believable excuse for his position.) Oh. A little bit of… foreplay?
(Hermione suddenly comes back into consciousness, and though she looks rather groggy, she instantly realizes that this situation is going to require some quick thinking and a lot of luck to keep Snape from killing Ron. Being Hermione – a student and actress above all others – she quickly thinks up an excuse. She lifts her head slightly while Ron struggles up, and smiles benignly at Snape)
Hermione: Oh, my dear professor! I'm so glad you've had a chance to meet our new writer. We were just rehearsing.
Snape: (angrily) Rehearsing! Hah! Do you take me for an idiot? You expect me to believe that scantily clad, in the arms of another wizard, inside of a Hippogriff, that you were rehearsing!?
(Just in the nick of time who should come marching in through the back entrance but the Revolutionaries – and they are quite ready to rectify the situation by doing what they do best: acting.)
Draco: How's the rehearsal going?
Neville: I hope the piano's in tune!
Black: (turns to Snape with a goblet in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other) Can I offer you a drink?
Harry: (peeks in again to check on his little griffling and notes with some alarm that there are a lot of people inside the Hippogriff that shouldn't be there) Oh my! (scampers out)
Hermione: (to Snape) Yes, after you left I was filled with divine inspiration, and I realized that we had so much work to do – So I called an emergency rehearsal.
Snape: (suspiciously) If you're rehearsing, where's Potter?
Hermione: (airily) Oh, there's no need to bother Ha-
Harry: (blusters in, babbling apologetically) My dear professor, I'm most terribly sorry-
Hermione: Ah, Harry! I'm so glad you could make it to our emergency rehearsal!
Harry: (smiling forcedly) Emergency rehearsal?
Hermione: Yes, we called it up especially for the professor – that's why he's so keen to invest!
Harry: Invest? (a lightbulb blinks on) Oh, yes, invest! Well, I'm sure that Goyle will be only too happy to-
Draco: (shrilly) He's left!
Harry: I beg your pardon?
Hermione: (quickly) Harry, the rat's out of the bag – the professor is already a big fan of our new writer!
Harry: (looks around nervously with a massive forced smile) Ah, yes, well, you can hardly blame us for trying to hide out young- (glances at Ron desperately. Ron mouths his name to the wizard) Ron! Away.
Snape: I'm way ahead of you on this, Potter.
Harry: Well then, why don't we retire to my office to peruse the paperwork, hmm?
Snape: What's the story?
Harry: Hmm? (realizes that this situation is getting tricky)
Snape: Well, if I'm to invest grades into this, I'll need to know the story.
Harry: Erm, well, it's about- Draco?
Draco: It's about, uh-
Ron: It's about love!
(everyone turns to Ron, fervently hoping that this young 7th-year is as good at improv acting as he is at singing)
Snape: (sneering) Love?
Ron: (looking sidelong at Hermione) It's about love conquering all things.
Draco: And it's set in Paris!
Ron: No, London! It's set in London! And there's this witch, who's a courtesan, the most beautiful courtesan in the wizarding world! (turns angrily on Snape) But her city is invaded by an evil Death-Eater! She must seduce the Death-Eater to save her city. However, on the night of the seduction, she mistakes a penniless Gry- (realizes he's half-indicating himself and stops abruptly) A penniless Auror for the Death-Eater! The Auror wasn't trying to trick the witch or anything, but it just so happened that he was… (looks over at Black) hunting down evil warlocks! And he and the courtesan fall in love with each other! But they have to hide their love from the evil Death-Eater.
Draco: (rushes forward, brandishing his wand, his pale blue-gray eyes sparkling as he gets into the spirit of things) The Auror's wand is magical! It can only speak the truth! I shall play the part of the magic wand. (puts the wand under his chin and turns to Hermione) You are beautiful! (turns to Ron) You're a stupid Weasly. (turns to Snape) And you're- (everyone claps their hands over Draco's mouth)
Snape: (more enthusiastically) And it gives the game away!
All: Yes!
Black: (snatches Draco's want away) I shall be the Auror, who can sing like an angel, but dance like the devil! (strikes a tango pose and a brief chord of 'Morgaine' is heard)
Draco: (to Ron) Tell him about the cancan!
Ron: It's a Godric cancan-
Harry: (cuts him off and shoves his face in Snape's face) It captures the erotic, thrusting, passionate moves of a cancan with the wild Hogwartisen ideals that this whole production embodies! It will be… Spectacular! Spectacular! No words in the vernacular, can describe this great event! You'll be dumb with wonderment! (in a low voice) Returns are fixed at ten percent. You must agree, that's excellent! (sings) And on top of your fee…
All: (sing) You'll be involved artistically.
Snape: What do you mean by that?
All: (sing) So exciting, the audience will stop and cheer!
So delighting, it will run for fifty years!
So exciting, the audience will stop and cheer!
So delighting, it will run for fifty years!
Neville: Hippogriffs!
Black: Slytherins!
Harry: Magic wands!
Hermione: And courtesans.
Neville: (in a falsetto) Magic acts!
Lupin: And dragon's lairs!
Black: Exotic potions!
Black and Lupin: Fire-eaters!
Ron: Quiddich games and how to fence!
Hermione: Intrigue, danger-
Draco: And romance!
All: Fiery lights, and sorcery!
Harry: Oh, even Muggle electricity!
All: So exciting, the audience will stop and cheer!
So delighting, it will run for fifty years!
So exciting, the audience will stop and cheer!
So delighting, it will run for fifty years!
Spectacular, Spectacular, no words in the vernacular
Can describe this great event, you'll be dumb with wonderment!
(Neville chants an old Gothic chant)
All: The castle is alive with the sound of music…
So exciting, the audience will stop and cheer!
So delighting, it will run for fifty years!
So exciting, the audience will stop and cheer!
So delighting, it will run for fifty years!
Snape: Yes, but what happens in the end?
(Everyone looks at everyone else nervously, then bustles to get into place. Ron pulls open the makeshift curtain)
Ron: (sings) The courtesan and Auror-man are pulled apart by an evil plan-
Hermione: But in the end she hears his song-
Ron: And their love is just too strong… (casts a love struck glance at Hermione)
Snape: (sings in a horribly off-key, wavering voice) It's a little bit funny, this feeling insi-i-ide… hmm? (grins)
(everyone winces, then quickly continue the song before Snape can sing anything else)
So exciting, the audience will stop and cheer!
So delighting, it will run for fifty years!
Ron: The Auror-wizard's magic wand helps them flee the evil one! (Black enchants a little wizard doll to dance across a little puppet-show stage) Though the warlock rants and rails, it is all to no avail!
Harry: (in a very loud 'pay attention to me' voice) I am the evil Death-Eater! You will not escape! (Snape quails, and laughs a little, unaware that they're all mocking him)
Hermione: Oh, Harry, no one could play him like you could!
Harry: No one's going to.
All: So exciting, we'll make them laugh, we'll make them cry!
So delighting-
Snape: And in the end should someone die?
All: O.o
So exciting, the audience will stop and cheer!
So delighting, it will run for fifty years!
So exciting, the audience will stop and cheer!
So delighting, it will run for fifty years!
(Crabbe stalks in at the last refrain to see what all the noise is about, but before he can kill anyone, Draco lands on his head – not for the last time – for a final pose.)
Snape: (thinks a moment) Generally, I like it.
(All of the others go wild and mob him, cheering excitedly)
A/N: Finally finished, phew! Having the Moulin Rouge 2 CD really helps for re-writing the pitch… everyone, go out and get it! I command thee! J/k :D Oh, one last note… I put a lot of work into the song parodies to make them fit the music that's actually in the movie, so if you have the CDs or the movie, try singing these lyrics to the songs! They work really well (most of them anyway). If you have suggestions for me on how to make my song lyrics fit the ones in the movie, I'd love to hear them!
To Adnap: Come June, when I'm allowed out of the house again, Katie and I are going to hog-tie you to a chair and make you watch this fantastic movie, muahaha! Seriously, you haven't lived until you've experienced the magic of the Moulin Rouge and Ewan McGreg- uh, I mean, the great music ^^;
To Iris Green: Thank you for your review! You're really the one responsible for this whole 'project'; if I hadn't read your parody, I probably wouldn't have thought of writing this one. Everyone, go read the Arbre Rouge! I command thee! Wow, I'm 'commanding thee' to do a lot today, huh?