Chapter 5: Are you Mad?
Rating: PG
Notes: I just had to type this one over the weekend… for one thing, my sister was begging me for it, and for another, I had to combat the Star Wars deprivation somehow. Anyway, here's chapter 5…
Ron Voiceover: How wonderful life was not that Hermione was in the world. But in the professor, Harry had gotten more than he bargained for.
(Harry and Snape sit in Harry's small, dingy dorm in the Gryffindor Rouge. The Professor is twitching slightly, his eyes wide with a sort of crazed look in them, and he holds a folded raincloak on his lap)
Snape: The conversion of the Gryffindor Rouge into a theater for graduation will cost a fantastically high GPA from all of you. (strokes his cloak) Because of the effort on my part I shall require something extra; I shall require a contract that binds Hermione to me… exclusively. Naturally, I shall require some security – I shall require the deeds to the Gryffindor House.
Harry: (stares at Snape, placing a protective hand on the deeds to his house) My dear Professor-
Snape: (cutting the wizard off) Don't think that I'm naïve, Potter! I will have the deeds to the Gryffindor house, and if there are any shenanigans… my student, Crabbe, will deal with them in the only way you… Gryffindors… understand. (his eyes widen slightly, and the twitching and stoking become more obvious) It's not that I'm a jealous man… (screeches) I just don't like other men touching my things!!
Harry: (jumps back at Snape's screech, dodging bits of spittle from Snape's mouth – Harry is perfectly aware of the danger this man poses to his House and his future) I… understand completely, Professor.
Snape: (smiles, completely calm again) Then it would appear that you now have the means to turn your beloved Gryffindor Rouge into-
(scene cut to the future, where Harry stands in an empty Gryffindor Rouge addressing his Diamond cats, the Rouge workers, Revolutionaries, a few random Slytherins, and the Impoverished writer and Sparkling Diamond)
Harry: A theater!
(back in the present)
Snape: I shall woo Hermione over dinner tonight. (exits)
(In the future, now the present… O.o)
Harry: We will have the first totally Hogwartisen, completely Gryffindorian, all singing, all dancing graduation day spectacular! (suddenly a wrecking ball smashes through the tower wall, nearly decapitating Harry. The audience gasps, but Harry stands up again, covered in a fine white powder but otherwise unharmed-) The show must go on!
Ron voiceover: Yes, the show would go on, but Hermione would not attend the supper with the Professor that night, nor the night after.
(Draco is in Ron's dorm, preparing a platter of delicious-looking Honeyduke's candies and food, though what the Slytherin is doing in a Gryffindor's dorm, I couldn't tell you. Hermione – who doesn't have a good reason for being in a boy's dorm either – lounges comfortably on Ron's four-poster bed, watching the Ron storm about the room, speaking his newly-created script aloud.)
Ron: So the Hufflepuff, maddened by jealousy, goes to the courtesan- (jumps out of a closet with a sheet around his head) and, throwing a bag of galleons at her feet says, "Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love!" He then flees the kingdom- (Again, the young wizard nearly kills himself by falling as he leaps towards the balcony. Draco and Hermione both shriek in fear, and Hermione again pulls Ron back to safety.)
Hermione: (laughing) But a life without love, that's terrible!
Ron: (now without the sheet around his head) Ah, yes, but just then the magic wand shoots from the back of the room and says- (leans in over Hermione for a few nuzzling kisses and other adorably romantic fluffiness) The greatest thing you'll ever learn-
Draco: (rushes over with the food and tries to break up the fluffiness) Wait! Wait, Ron, that's – that's my line!
(Several scenes of the rehearsal begin to flash by-)
(Ron and Hermione are kissing in a dressing room when Snape walks in with a picnic basket. Luckily the entangled pair breaks off before Snape can see anything)
Snape: Shall we go for a picnic my sweet?
Hermione: (hastily) Oh, it's just that there are to many lines to learn and so much to do-
Snape: (shoves the basket at Ron) Well, if the young writer can carry a basket, I don't see why he can't come along! You two can rehearse in my presence.
(later…)
Ron: (to Draco) So the magical wand flies into the room and says-
Draco: I know, I know, don't give it to me! The greatest thing you'll ever… make? Conjure? Construct? Find?
(Snape again walks in on Ron and Hermione kissing; this time Ron's face is smeared with pink lipstick)
Snape: Still at it, my sweet?
Ron Voiceover: For all the attempts the Professor made, it was almost too easy for the writer and the lead actress to find perfectly legitimate excuses to be alone together.
(While Harry drills a dance scene with the Gryffindor Rouge dancers, Ron has time to think up another excuse to allow Hermione to see him alone again. He glances over at her, and she sees him and smiles back briefly. He walks over to where she sits beside the Professor, watching the rehearsal.)
Ron: (poking his head between Hermione's and Snape's and speaking to his love) Um, pardon the interruption, but I was wondering if you could help me with the 'will the lovers be meeting in the Auror's humble abode' scene tonight?
Snape: (irritated) But, my dear, I've arranged a magnificent supper in the dungeons for tonight!
Ron: Well, it's not that important-
Hermione: (standing up as if insulted) Nonsense! The 'the lovers will be meeting in the Aurur's humble abode' scene is the most important one in the production! We shall work on it tonight until I am completely satisfied.
Snape: But-
Hermione: (coldly) If you please, my dear Professor. (walks off)
(Ron attempts to conceal a grin of triumph as he bows 'apologetically' and walks away from Snape. Meanwhile, the rehersal is nearing its finish.)
Harry: (to the entire cast and crew) Right then, everyone! I expect to see you bright and early for the next scene, 'the lovers are discovered'! (The crew cheers and starts to file out of the room)
Ron: (to Snape) My apologies. (Walks off in the direction of the backstage)
Harry: (approaches Snape) My dear professor! Everything's arranged for that special supper in the dungeons tonight.
Snape: (seething) You might as well eat it yourself, Potter! Her affections for me are waning!
Harry: What do you mean? (abssently looks over Snape's shoulder at a break in the wall, and he sees with horror exactly what Snape means. Ron has caught up to Hermione and the two are kissing, aparently unaware that Harry can see them.)
Snape: I know how important her work is to her, but she's always at it with that damn writer! If she doesn't come to dinner tonight, I'm very well leaving! (sees that Harry is peering over his shoulder, and he half-turns to see what the Gryffindor is looking at-)
Harry: (quickly, to distract Snape) I'll… insist that Hermione take the night off.
Snape: (nods tersely) All right, eight 'o clock then. (forces a quick, angry grimace of a smile, then exits)
(Harry takes one last look up at the catwalk where Ron has apparently realized that he and Hermione can be seen. The pair breaks off their activities)
Ron: So, you'll come tonight?
Hermione: (giggling at Ron's lipstick-covered face) Yes!
Ron: (grins) Promise?
Hermione: Yes, yes!
Ron: What time?
Hermione: Eight 'o clock, now go!
(Ron nods, all smiles, and blows Hermione a kiss before he turns to go. Hermione giggles again and turns to exit the opposite way, but before she can compose herself, she runs straight into Harry.)
Harry: (angrilly) Are you mad?
Hermione: (feigning ignorance) Wha-
Harry: (cuts her off) The professor has given you a perfect exam score – he wants to make you a star! – and you're dallying with the writer!
Hermione: (startled into composure) It's… it's nothing, it's just an infatuation. It's nothing…
Harry: (growls) The infatuation will end. Go to the boy – tell him it's over. The professor will be expecting you in the dungeon at eight. See to it that you are there. (stalks off)
Hermione Voice over: (sings softly) If I should die this very moment, 've never known completeness… it all ends today, yes it all ends today…
(Hermione looks out across the darkened Gryffindor Rouge, a tear glittering in her eye. Suddenly she gasps, clutching at her chest, and her eyes roll back in her head-)
Ron voice over: How was I to know that in those last, desperate days, that a force stronger than love and darker than jealousy had taken its grip on Hermione?
(Hermione lies in a darkned back room of the Gryffindor Rouge, rumpled bedsheets pulled up underneath her chin. Her lips and face are unnaturally pale, and sweat beads on her forehead. Madame Pomfrey is taking a blood sample while McGonagal hovers around the room.)
McGonagal: Will she be up for tonight?
Pomfrey: (shakes her head) Tomorrow morning at the earliest.
(Down in the dungeons, things aren't going much better. Snape paces the room like an angry tiger while Harry watches nervously. Time passes, and when Hermione fails to arrive, Snape makes for the door. Harry, panicked at the thought of losing his Gryffindor Rouge, shouts and stops Snape)
Harry: She's… studying!
Snape: (wheels about) Studying?? What sort of imbicile do you take me for, Potter??
Harry: (sincerely) She had a sudden desire to read all about potions to please you.
Snape: (sneering) What?
Harry: She looks upon tonight as her wedding night!
Snape: Her wedding night??
Harry: She says you make her feel… (lowers his voice confidentially) like a first-year.
Snape: A… first year?
Harry: You know… casting for the very first time. She says you make her feel so good inside, when you hold her, and you touch her…
Snape: (pondering) Like a first-year…
Harry: (takes Snape by the arm and starts walking about the Dungeons with him. The House-elves are cleaning the place up, casting disturbed looks to one-another) She's made it through the 6th year, she's made it through! she didn't know how lost she was, until she found you…
(sings) She was beat, incomplete
She'd been had, she was sad and blue…
But you made her feel, yes you ma-a-a-ade her feel, shiny and new…
(The musinc starts up from an invisible orchestra, and the House-elves – most likely thinking 'when in Rome' – start dancing about)
Like a first-year! Casting for the very first time!
Like a first year, when your wands spark both in time!
(Harry plops himself into a chair and the house-elves, who are really getting into the spirit of things, wrap a big white tablecloth around his head. He makes flirty faces and kissing noises at Snape, who looks thoroughly horrified)
Gonna give you all her love! Her fear is fading fast!
She's been saving it all for you – she's found love at last!
(He boltsout of the chair and drags Snape through a bridge of House-elves)
She's so fine, and she's thine
She'll be yours, until the end of time,
'Cos you made her feel, yes you ma-a-ade her feel she has nothing to hide!
Like a first-year!
House-elves: Like a first-year!
Harry: Casting for the very first time!
When you hold her, and you touch her, when your wands spark both in time!
(Harry swoons into Snape's arms, and Snape nearly jumps out of his skin. He tries to run – unsucessfully.)
Like a first-year!
House-Elves: Like a first year!
Harry: Feels so good inside! When you hold her, and you touch her, when you hold her, and you touch her…
(Snape manages to escape Harry and the House-Elves, who promptly proceed to chase him around the dungeons. The elves to catch the professor, and tackle him around the legs, tripping him onto a big, wheeled bed. Harry sits on the endge of the bed, which the house-elves begin to wheel in circles, and Snape crawls to the head of the bed, a terrified look on his face. Harry makes more kissy faces and bats his eyelashes at Snape.
In the Gryffindor Rouge, we see Ron gazing out of his tower dormitory forlornly. Below, in the Rouge, Hermione sits in front of her mirror, looking sick and sorrowful. Madame Pomfrey is muttering gravely to McGonagal. Then, once more we return to Snape's dungeons, and Snape has finally decided to join in. He stands from the bed and struts down a short flight of stairs, followed by the humming House-elves.)
Snape: She's so fine, and she's mine
She makes me strong, yes she makes me bold,
Oh her love thawed out, yes her lo-o-ove thawed out what was scared and cold!
Harry: (dancing) Like a first-year!
Snape: Casting for the very first time!
Harry: Like a first-year!
Snape: When our wands spark both in time!
Harry: Likr a first-year!
Snape: Feels so good inside, when you hold her, and you touch her, and you hold her, and you touch her…
Both: Like a Fiiiiiirst-year!
House-Elves: Love, love, love, love! Love, love, love, love!
Harry and Snape: First-year! (pose underneath a spray of champeign, cheeks pressed together)
To Julephenia: Alas, I haven't seen Episode II yet… and I won't until June. However, I already know I'd choose Ewan over Hayden :D
To Elanor: Why, thank you! I've never been nominated for anything before…