And Then There Were Three
Chapter Twelve: Risk
So, I moved on. A few days later – a late Friday afternoon if you want to be Watcherly precise – I walked into my kitchen after a bloody great kill – great that demons hang around in sewers in the day, nice to know I don't have to wait for it to get dark – and there's Tara and Dawn giggling over a coupla glasses of lemonade.
"Where's Anya?" I ask, grabbing a mug to fill with blood.
"She went out with her Vengeance demon friend Halfrek," Tara tells me.
"Oh," I shrug and put my blood in the microwave. "So, Bit, what you doin' here?"
"It's Friday night," she says like that explains everything.
"Yeah, I know," I say. "But I figured you weren't talkin' to me, what with the whole looking daggers at me the other night and neglectin' me the past coupla days."
"Looking daggers?" she asks. "That would be so cool if I could," she sees me looking at her weird. "Only, y'know, not. But I had homework and stuff and Buffy was kinda like, wanting to be with me all the time. She was all over the 'sisterly bonding'. It was very scary. And the whole you threatening Xander," she looks a little guilty as she says. "Well, he kinda deserved it."
"Always knew I liked you, Sweet Bit," I wrap an arm around her shoulders and give her a quick squeeze before I get my blood.
"Ew, Spike," Dawn groans, poking a patch of demon slime I left on her shoulder. "Demon yuck!"
"Hey," I protest. "Demon here!"
"Whatever," she rolls her eyes and turns back to Tara. "So anyway, Kirstie was all over Adam but he was like 'pur-lease' and then he came over and asked if he could borrow my Chem notes. Kirstie was so mad."
"Adam?" I ask. "Who the bloody hell's Adam?"
"A boy," Tara says. "A boy at Dawn's school."
Then they look at each other and giggle. There is no way the little Bit is even thinking about dating, the girl's only fifteen.
"Boys are evil," I tell her. "They try to get in your knickers, stay away from 'em."
"Does that mean I don't have to go to school?" Dawn asks. "'Cause I would be ok with that."
"No, that does not mean you don't go to school," Tara says sternly and frowns at me.
"I hear there's a decent girls school in Sunny D," I shrug and revel in Dawn's shocked face.
"No way," she says. "And if you even think it, I'll tell Tara your little secret," she grins smugly when she says that.
What's she bloody talking about? What little secret? I don't have secrets! Spike the Open Book - that's me.
"Secret?" Tara glances at Dawn then me. "What secret is this, Spike?"
"I don't bloody know," I huff and sip my blood.
"Yes, you do," Dawn says. "Y'know, magic shop, Xander, great honking revelation. Ringing any bells?"
"Revelation?" I ask, genuinely confused. Then I get it. "Oh! Shut your mouth, Dawn Summers."
"Tell me, Spike," Tara says. "Go on, what secret? You know I won't stop asking until you tell me."
"I don't -"
"Spike's in love with Anya," Dawn blurts.
"Really?" Tara looks almost delighted as she turns and grins at me.
"No!" I practically screech.
"Then why did you hit Xander in the face when he said you were?" Dawn asks.
"Ok, one," I hold up a finger. "I didn't hit Xander and – well, ok, I did, but it was more of a thump really," I take a minute to remember just how good his delicate human nose felt beneath my strong and incredibly sexy knuckles.
"Spike!" Dawn cries. "You're drooling! What're you thinking about?" then she frowns and makes her 'ick' face. "On second thoughts, no, don't tell me."
"What?" I ask. "Oh yeah, two," I hold up a second finger. "I hit his nose, not his face and three, he didn't say I loved her, he implied that I was banging her. And I'm not, ask Tara."
"Well, I er… haven't heard anything," Tara says, blushing a little.
"See?" I point at Tara. "And I'm very bloody vocal when I shag! And I'll bet Anyanka's a screamer, she looks like a screamer. Or maybe a screecher," I muse.
"Spike," Tara warns and casts a sidelong glance at Dawn.
"Forget I said that," I tell Dawn. "And don't tell big sis, unless you want to stop visiting."
"No!" Bit says quickly. "I just… I like coming here, it's nice to be around people who actually notice that I haven't reverted to a blob of green energy."
"They notice," Tara tells her. "They just try to protect you, that's all."
"I know," Dawn mumbles.
Then the phone rings. Dawn looks at it and I guess she thinks it's Buffy, telling her to come home, away from the evil thing that attacked her best friend. Tara answers it and looks at me. She lowers her voice and I get up.
"Goin' to have a shower," I tell Dawn. "See Anya when you came over?"
"No, and yes, I did come with Tara," she knows I always ask and I'm glad she came with her and wasn't wandering around pre-dusk on her own.
I look at the blinds that cover the kitchen window. The sun's still up, if Anya isn't home when I get out of the shower, I'll go get her. Hopefully she's hanging with that Halfrek chick in one of the less dangerous demon frequented places.
Tara's grinning when I get out of the bathroom. I don't ask why, her business. She'll probably tell me later, despite moving in with Anya, she still talks to me a lot.
"Are you goin' to work tonight?" I ask her.
"Yeah," she answers. "I'll have to get going."
"I'll walk you, then I'll see if I can't find Anya. Come on, Bit, fresh air'll do you good."
Dawn rolls her eyes, but gets up and takes her coat off the hook by the door. I pick up the keys and shrug on my duster. I open the door and usher the ladies out. There, on the stairs, stands Anya, talking pleasantly with Clem.
"Spike!" Anya says brightly. "Tara, Dawn! How are you? You all look pleasantly healthy! Are you walking Tara to work, Spike?" she practically babbles.
"Uh, yeah," I say and frown.
"Dawnie," Anya grabs Dawn's hands. "I have mud packs! You don't have to go out, stay in and we can eat marshmallows and chocolate."
Dawn looks scared, and to be blunt – me too.
"Are you ok, Anya?" Tara asks.
"Fine!" she grins. "Absolutely perfect. You're going to be late and don't worry, I won't talk to Dawn about sex, it could damage her and I don't want to be sued by Buffy."
"I'll make sure they're ok," Clem offers.
And yet I don't feel safer, wonder why? I shrug and walk off down the stairs.
"Bye!" Anya calls cheerily and grabs Dawn's hand, dragging her back into the apartment.
Weird. But that's Sunshine for ya.
"So what's goin' on?" I ask finally.
We're about a block from the Espress Pump and I'm getting a little pissed off with Tara's sidelong glances and lip nibbling.
"What?" she asks, startled.
"It's about that phonecall, isn't it?" I guess and she jumps. "Just tell me," I sigh.
"The day before yesterday," she starts. "Willow and I went for coffee after one of our classes, we talked about… things."
"You two getting back together?" I ask.
"We talked about it," she says and suddenly seems to want to tell all. "I miss her Spike, I miss her so much. And it's going to take a lot of work to put it back together, but I think we can do it. I love her."
"I know," I answer quietly. "Aren't you happy though? With me and Anya?"
"Of course," she says sincerely. "Living with you two is the only thing that got me through the last few weeks. I want us to stay friends. I think this – us living together – has really helped us… bond? You two have been the best friends and I'll miss you. I want us to stay friends, I want to confide in you two and don't want that to change. Spike, I… I want to thank you. If you hadn't come to see me that night, I don't think I could have coped."
"That's all right, Glinda," I reach out and hug her, planting a kiss on her hair. "You and Red should work it out, you belong together. But if she screws up again, you're room's always there for you. Not that Red's gonna screw up again, I just meant - "
"Thank you," she smiles and slips her arm through mine as we walk to the Espresso Pump.
"Bloody hell," I moan as the realisation hits me. "Now I'm stuck with Sunshine!"
"I think we're going to work it out."
I freeze by the door. I could handle losing Tara because I'd still have Anya and I don't think Red would mind if we hung out sometimes. But if Anya and Xander got back together, not only would I be all alone in this flat, it wouldn't be a home anymore. And Harris will forbid her to see me, no doubt about it.
"That's nice, Anya," I hear Dawn say. "But what about Spike?"
"What about him?"
"Don't you think he'll miss you?"
There's a silence and I can just picture her frowning in thought.
"He'd miss me?"
I clatter into the kitchen and make a lot of noise. I heat up some blood and look in the fridge for some food. I listen to them in the living room and hear the distinct sound of Dawn clambering onto the couch and Anya tucking her in. I peek around the door and watch as Anya smoothes her hair back and tugs her pillow straighter. Odd picture that: Niblet -who's always goin' on 'bout how she isn't a kid - letting the ex-Vengeance demon tuck her in, and who'd've thought Anya could be so… sweet? Then Anya pads towards the kitchen and I duck inside.
"Spike?"
"Yeah?"
"I spoke to Xander today."
"That's nice," I say. "And you're tellin' me this because…?"
"Because I think there's a chance we're getting back together."
Suddenly it hit home, before I could pretend I'd misunderstood, but not now. She's said the words, told me that she's getting back with him. She just told me that she's leaving me. She tilts her head and studies me, chewing her lip a little. Why do women do that? Nibbling their lip like that? Makes you want to stop 'em. Downright irritating.
"What do you think I should do?" she asks quietly.
I turn around to face her and open my mouth to remind her how much he hurt her, how only Tara and I cared enough to come find her, how she cried in my arms, how I had a go at Xander for giving her that photo, how I was her knight in shining armour. But I don't.
"Can you live without him?" I ask.
"I don't know."
"Think 'bout it, Anya," I lean against the counter and she sits down, listening intently. "Do you think that - if you didn't get back with him now and you never got back with him - you'd regret it? I know you still love him, you know you still love him and I know how much you've probably tried not to, I know how hard it is to try and stop loving someone, but can you live without him? Can you live the rest of your life knowing you passed up the chance to be with the man you loved?"
She bows her head, "But what if it goes wrong again?"
"That's the other end of the scale, pet," I shrug and turn a chair around to sit down. "You could go back to him and in a few months or years, it could go wrong again. Could you take that chance? Do you think it's worth the risk?"
She's perfectly silent for a long time and I grab my mug of blood from the counter. Bloody hell, it's gotton cold. I put it in the microwave again and over it's whirring, I only just hear her speak.
"I think it is," she whispers.
"Then it's up to you from here on in," I say without turning around.
I hear her go and I sigh. I go to the kitchen door and lean against the doorframe. I just see her go into her room and shut the door. Then I go to check on Bit. She's snuggled into the couch, a small smile on her pretty little face. I stroke her hair gently and she sighs a little. I smile at her sleeping face, realised a long time ago I loved this little girl. Knew when I held her as she cried for her sister in my arms that I loved her, knew she loved me when she hugged me tight as I cried for the brave Slayer who had never loved me.
Then I go into my room. I throw what little belongings I have into my duffel bag. I think about taking my telly and stereo, but I figure Clem can get 'em for me sometime.
I've lost 'em. All of 'em. 'Cause if they leave, the Slayer ain't gonna let Niblet come 'round anymore. So, in losing Glinda and Sunshine, I lose Dawn. I can't handle that. Losing everything I thought I had earnt. I go into the kitchen and scrawl a note on the bright, lime green memo pad stuck on the side of the fridge.
Then I leave. Quietly, with only one last glance at Dawn and the two closed doors of Anya and Tara's rooms, I walk out.
The only evidence I was ever there, ever lived in that apartment is the still unmade bed in my room, the mug of blood still in the microwave and the note on the fridge. Think that note sums everything up.
Bye.