And Then There Were Three
Chapter Fifteen: Speed Limits

Author's Note: Just to let you know that the A.I team are currently living in the No Man's Land after the episode Dad.

"You had Dru," he offers, the guy's really reaching now and has been for the last week or so that I've been here, refusing to go back. "You had her for a hundred years."

"No, I didn't," I sigh, voicing this admission for the very first time. I've never allowed myself to think it, but I know it, I always knew it and now here I am, telling him.

"What do you mean?" he twists around to look at me properly.

"I mean that, maybe I did love her for a hundred years, maybe she did love me back, maybe we did sleep together, maybe I did anything for her because I loved her so much, but she was never mine. She was always yours."

He stiffens slightly and lowers his eyes in remorse.

"I'm sorry, Spike, I know how much you -"

"No, you didn't," I answer. "You never knew how much I loved her. When you saw us together when you didn't have a soul, you just thought it was stupid, that I was never a proper demon for caring for her. When you saw us together when you had a soul, you just saw it as twisted and wrong," I shrug. "Maybe it was, but it never felt like it was. I may have had her body and the sane and insane parts of her mind, but I never had her heart. She was always just waiting for her Daddy to come for her. Her face when you walked in and the Judge couldn't burn you…. I've never seen her so happy."

"But you treated her better than I ever did."

"Didn't make any difference though, did it? I hate you, y'know? You get everything. You were the worst demon to ever walk the earth. I killed Slayers, but nobody feared me more than they feared you. You had Drusilla, you had Buffy, and now you've got a kid. And you've got friends, you've only got 'em 'cause you've got a soul and it's not bloody fair. You have everything I want – 'cept for the kid – irritating, y'know?"

"I don't have Dawn," he says. "You've got her, she loves you."

"Yeah," I say sarcastically. "She really loves the soulless vampire."

"She does," he repeats. "You're the one she runs to, you're the one she wanted to hold her at the… funeral, not me, not Xander or Willow – you. And I could hear her in the background when Tara called, she sounded worried."

I feel guilty. Didn't think anyone'd miss me. Just never occurred to me for some reason.

"And Tara and Anya," he continues. "You've got them."

"They were goin' to leave me," I say quietly. "That's why I left, because if they left, I'd lose 'em, no matter how often they came to see me. And if I lost them, I'd lose Dawn. Didn't want that."

"But you've still lost them by running away."

"I didn't run away, I left, there's a difference. Wanted them to be happy, I've served my purpose."

"You only left because of them, not because of Buffy?"

"I - " then I think about it. The whole time I packed my bag and walked out of the building, the whole time I was driving, drinking and getting drunk, Buffy never crossed my mind, all I could think of was Tara and Anya. "I didn't even think of Buffy," I admit.

"Are you over her?"

"I don't think I ever will be, but I can live – unlive, without her. But I really miss them, Tara and Anya."

"You should know…"

"What?"

"Anya told me to tell you – if I saw you – that she wasn't going to get back with Xander. She made her choice."

When the words register, my heart soars. I haven't lost her. I lost Tara, but I haven't lost Anya. Suddenly I want to be on the move, I want to leap up and run back to Sunnydale, grab Anya and hold her tightly, so she'll never think of leaving again. But I resist the urge; I twist my hands in my lap and stare intently at the floor.

"I recognise that look," Angel smiles.

"What look?"

"The look that says you want to go back and tell her you want her."

"Huh? Want her? We're just friends! If I've got a crush on anyone, it's Tara!"

"That wasn't a crush," he shakes his head. "That was friendship. She was nice to you, friendly and you wanted to make sure you could keep it, that was why you thought you were attracted to her."

I stare at him. He… He hit the nail on the head. How did he do that? How did he know it when I didn't? Bloody hell.

But he is right. I wanted to hold that friendship and make sure it could never leave me, but if I had tried for a kiss, I would've probably crushed it. And I probably knew that, deep down, that's why I didn't touch her. She can still be my friend, I can still have her around, I don't think Red'll stop her.

But I want to know why Anya decided not to give her relationship with Xander another chance. What could make her decide that she could live without him? What made her realise that she wouldn't regret it if they got back together? What made her realise that she'd regret it if she got back with him? Because she still loves him, doesn't she? So what could've happened to make her stop wanting him? She told me thought it was worth it.

"Could you take that chance? Do you think it's worth the risk?"

"I think it is."

So what changed?

"I hate you," I tell him. "I hate that not only do you have a great life and a kid and stuff, but you understand life. Unless it's yours, of course."

"What?"

"You understand my life. You knew before I did that I didn't really want Tara in that way, you knew how I felt before I let myself know it, but you can't be honest with yourself. You really gotta give up the tortured crap, people'll start to get bored with it."

"I don't know what you're talking about," he sets his face and frowns at his hands.

"Yes you do," I let my eyes flicker to the door to Wesley's office where Cordelia had taken Connor. "Her. You want her and I even know why you won't let yourself have her."

"Cordelia?" he splutters. "I do not want Cordelia! She's a friend and I care about her, but I don't love her!"

"I never said you did, mate," I shrug. "The word 'love' didn't pass my lips, I said 'want.'"

"I – I…" he gives up and sighs. "Enlighten me, why won't I let myself have her?"

"You probably think I'm gonna spout some crap 'bout not wanting to lose your soul and you're a vampire and immortal and she isn't. But it's got nothing to do with that. It's got to do with Buffy."

His head snaps up and he glares so darkly at me, I think he might slip into game face and pounce. Not that I'd mind, it could be fun.

"Buffy?" he growls. "You don't know anything about Buffy and I."

"Don't I? I know you were in love. I know that you'd feel guilty if you let yourself be with Cordelia, 'cause she's just like Buffy. You left Buffy so she could have someone better, normal and you made a big hoo ha about how she'd be the only one you'd ever love, if you allowed yourself to be with Cordelia, you'd feel you were cheapening that."

"I -" his mouth gapes for a little while. "We were talking about you."

"No need," I jump up and stretch a little. "I'm goin' back to Sunnyhell."

"Why?"

"Got somethin' there I miss. I'm not runnin' away, I'm gonna make it work. You should try it sometime."

"Maybe," he shrugs.

"Why did you help me?" I ask.

"Anya said she'd pay us."

"I don't think you'd do it just 'cause of that."

"You're family," he shrugs.

"Since when has that mattered to you?"

"Since I realised that sometimes that's all you have."

"Not always, sometimes family can abandon you and all you have're your friends."

"Quite the inspirational speaker," he smiles and gets up. "Want a shower before you go?"

"Be nice," he starts to lead me out of the foyer when Cordelia comes in and carefully hands his kid to him.

"He's sleeping," she whispers. "Isn't he gorgeous?"

"Yeah, gorgeous," but he isn't lookin' at the kid, he's lookin' at her.

She smiles and bounds away. He watches her with a little smile on his face, and then he sighs and kisses his son's forehead before lookin' up at me. I smirk and raise my eyebrow in a yeah, right, gesture.

"Shut up," he snaps quietly, aware of the kid's sleepin' state and probably thinkin' of Cordy's wrath if he wakes it up.

"Didn't say a word, mate," I shrug.

"It was very nice to meet you, Spike," Fred says. "It's a shame you can't stay longer. Will you visit?"

"I might," I shrug and smile at her. Nice girl, this. Whoever gets her is gonna be a lucky sod. I glance at Wes and extend my hand. After a brief hesitation, he shakes it stiffly.

"When I first met you, you didn't strike me as the type who'd be civil to a vamp," I tell him.

"As long as you aren't going to kill me or hurt the ones I care about," his eyes flicker to Fred. "And I can't throw stones, as I work with a vampire."

"I guess," I look at the two of 'em – Fred and Wesley – they're ok people, wouldn't invite 'em to a rave, but they'd make a good couple. "Take care of Fred for me, Wes," I tell him pointedly in a low voice.

I have no right to say that, only been here a week, but I like her and that was the only way I could think of to give him the message. He looks startled and he goes red.

"I – I..." he sighs with a smile. "I will. Drive safely and if you lose the chip, please don't come here to wreak havoc."

"I won't. See ya round, Cordy."

"'Bye," she hugs me a little awkwardly. "And thank you for not torturing Angel again."

I look at the man in question over her shoulder and give him an I-told-you-so look that makes him drop his eyes.

"'Bye, man," Gunn says and extends his hand. "You're all right. For a vampire."

"I'm touched, really," I press a hand to my chest and laugh. "Guess this is goodbye then, eh, Peaches?"

"I wish you wouldn't call me that, boy," he says.

"Gotta show the love somehow," I thrust my hands in my pockets. "Thanks."

"My job," he shrugs.

"Yeah. Don't go snackin' on the kid, don't think the world could take anymore of your angst."

"It's a good thing I'm holding him, otherwise I'd kick your butt for saying that," he says.

I take a step towards him and peer at the kid. Its face is screwed up and its fingers squirm.

"'Bye," I tell it. "Know you'll miss your uncle Spike."

And I swear it opened it's eyes and smiled at me.

"It smiled at me!"

"Wind," Cordy and Angel say in unison and I give Angel another look.

"Get gone, Spike," Angel says and Fred takes Connor as Angel and I walk to the door.

We stand outside the main door in the gathering dusk and I light a cigarette, cupping my hand around my lighter to protect the tiny flame from the faint breeze. I can hear them laughing inside and I look up at him.

"You've landed on your feet here," I tell him, putting my lighter away and reaching for my car keys.

"I know," he says.

"Just be sure to keep your balance," I start to climb in the car but he grabs me and pulls me back. He lands me one in the face and I punch him back, even as I grip my nose.

"What the bloody hell was that for?" I yell.

"For sleeping with her," he says sheepishly, rubbing his jaw where I thumped him. "Tell her I said… hi?"

"I'm sure I can come up with something better than that," I smirk and slide into the car. "You never were a man of many words," I tell him as I wind the window down, he peers through the half open window and I wind it down a little more.

"Drive safe," he says.

"I will," I answer, knowing full well that I won't and I never have, 'less I've got Bit with me of course.

"And, Spike?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks," he looks embarrassed. "For once I've actually enjoyed seeing you."

"I'm ashamed to say it's mutual," I mutter. "But that don't mean I like you."

"I know," he straightens up and thumps the roof. "Go on then."

I roar off into the night, breaking every speed limit to get back to Sunnydale. 'Cause that's what you do, isn't it? When you want to get to someone who you've just realised means the world to you?