Title: Cycles of the Moon
Author: Shun'u [ID: 61008]
Series: Inuyasha
Genre: Angst/AU
Rating: PG
Pairing: Umm… guess. ^_^
DISCLAIMER: All Inuyasha characters are the creation of, and © to Rumiko Takahashi, and subsequent parties. "Cycles of the Moon" is the creation of my demented mind, and © to Shun'u Hanashiro 2000-2002.
Author's Note: A/U. This is a continuation of my "What if?" scenario. For those of you who have read "Cycles of the Moon" in its original form (which is now "Cycles of the Moon – Part I: Inuyasha"), you might want to read that part again for continuity's sake. Don't know what drove me to make a second part to this, but… here it is. Let me know what you think by dropping a review.
OCTOBER 2002
C Y C L E S • O F • T H E • M O O N
An Inuyasha FanfictionBy Shun'u Hanashiro
Excerpt from Part I "Before you go. Can I ask you a question?"She nodded a little hesitantly; wary of his loaded questions with answers too complicated for mere words.
"Why?" He held her there with the power of his violet eyes. "Why him?"
She sat back down, floored by the question that he had never dared to ask before. They sat there together, throughout the night of the new moon. And as the dusk began to encroach upon the hours of darkness, chasing them away with its rays of light, Kagome answered him with a little bit of the truth – the part that he wanted to hear. It was the only kindness that she could do for him; to say that once upon a time, they had shared an equal love.
"Because he retains everything of what you used to be."
A haunted expression was etched into Inuyasha's features as he watched her progress. His whisper followed Kagome's footsteps with a measure of the truth as he saw it.
"It's because you love him."
Part II: SesshoumaruInuyasha waited until he could no longer hear Kagome's light footsteps before finally acknowledging the person who had been standing guard over them all evening.
"Aniki," he called out softly, fully aware that the other could hear him clearly. "You can come out now."
A tall shadow separated itself from the receding darkness. "How long have you been aware of my presence?"
"From the beginning," he said, irritated that even after all this time such a simply worded question was still able to get a rise out of him. "I'm human now, not stupid."
Sesshoumaru's left eyebrow arched a little higher than its usual elegant curve. "I have not thought of you as stupid in a long while, Inuyasha. You presume too much. As usual."
Strained silence, laden with violence, made the air thicken ominously. A leaf fluttered to the ground in that emotional fog as Sesshoumaru approached his seated brother, drifting from side to side in the motion of a mother's arms as she lulled her baby into peaceful slumber. Inuyasha watched listlessly as Sesshoumaru's well-shod heel came down and crushed the green leaf into sappy pulp. His brother never even noticed the carnage in his wake.
"Why are you here? Did you come to gloat?" Inuyasha forced his shallow breathing to even out. He clenched his teeth, almost biting his tongue in the process. "Does it make you happy to see me like this?"
Sesshoumaru crossed his arms. He looked imposing, standing so tall and straight-backed. Looming over his brother with every physical and psychological advantage in plain view. "Don't be ridiculous, Inuyasha. Such pettiness is unbecoming."
Inuyasha glared at him. A spark of fire flared in his violet eyes, returning them to life and vaporizing the pool of tears that had gathered since Kagome's departure.
"I can't wait until the day someone brings you down to your knees, Sesshoumaru. I hope they make you feel powerless and vulnerable. I hope they knock you off of that damned pedestal you imagine yourself standing on. And when you fall," Inuyasha whispered, "I want to be there to witness it all happen."
Frustrated and tired beyond measure, Inuyasha curled the fingers of his right hand into a tight fist and pounded the ground beneath him. Had he still been a hanyou, had he retained his claws, strength and speed, Sesshoumaru had no doubt that Inuyasha would have gone on a destructive rampage through the forest. But beating the earth and uprooting age-old trees would not ease the hurt so evident in Inuyasha's body language.
And Sesshoumaru – a being so well reputed and feared for his ruthlessness, for his cold-hearted and merciless nature – felt the unexpected and unwelcome stirrings of sympathy, tinged with remorse, and coated in a thick layer of guilt. Sympathy because he had once felt the same consuming frustration and hopelessness; remorse because he was the ultimate cause of Inuyasha's pain; and guilt because he was blessed even as Inuyasha suffered. And although he sympathized with his brother, Sesshoumaru would not have traded places with him for all of the power in the world.
They were bound by blood: he and Inuyasha. Forever tied to each other in the way that only family could be. Yet he would not have spared Inuyasha any of his pain. Not at the price of his own happiness. He had fought too long and hard to earn his peace of spirit. Inuyasha thought that he had never been brought to his knees. His little brother was wrong.
He, the great Lord Sesshoumaru, had been knocked off of his pedestal long ago. In the past he had been humbled… by a mere human… brought low by jealousy and insecurity, emotions to which he had thought himself immune. The irony of it all was that Kagome had never known of his inner turmoil until the day he finally snapped from the roiling emotions and turned their simple, undemanding friendship on its ear. That day had been his downfall, true, but if he were given the opportunity to turn back time and change what happened, Sesshoumaru knew that he would do the exact same thing again. There simply was no other option. Either he would forever alter the course of their relationship and risk losing her trust and companionship, or live the rest of his days in loneliness and despair, wondering what might have been. He had had enough of bitter regret to last him many lifetimes over.
Sesshoumaru contemplated revealing all of this to Inuyasha as his brother struggled to regain his composure. At one time he would have sneered and ridiculed Inuyasha for being weak. Now, he understood. But the truth remained that his unyielding pride would not permit him to reveal any personal weaknesses to anyone. No one, at least, save Kagome. So Inuyasha would have to live with yet another misconception about his brother: that Sesshoumaru had never known humility.
"You will never see that day come, Inuyasha. Your blood runs thin. Now you are still in your fragile youth, but soon you will reach your prime, and from then your middle years." Sesshoumaru saw Inuyasha set his face in stone and nearly applauded his fortitude in the face of harsh reality. "It will not be very long before your strength starts to fail you, as will your senses. And then what?" He asked rhetorically. "What will you do, Inuyasha, when you start to die?"
Inuyasha stared back at his brother, silently fascinated by the capacity Sesshoumaru had for inflicting thoughtful, calculated cruelty. "And what do you care, Aniki?" He stressed the last word in mockery of the respect and adoration he had once held for Sesshoumaru as a child. "Would it faze you in the slightest to see me wither away while you remain youthful and untouched? Would it bother you that we never really knew each other, as brothers should? Would it hurt you," Inuyasha asked, "to watch me die and feel the loss of blood-kin? Or are you going to just sit back and be as unmoved and cold as ever?"
Sesshoumaru did not respond.
Then… Inuyasha said the one thing that was guaranteed to galvanize Sesshoumaru into feeling, guaranteed to shatter that cool composure.
"And what will happen when Kagome also dies?"
"Shut up."
"What?" Inuyasha did a half shrug, raising his palms up in a placating manner. "Surely you didn't forget that your wife is also human?"
"Shut. Up. Inuyasha." Sesshoumaru snarled.
This time it was Inuyasha who was calm, for he had already come to terms with his short lifespan while Sesshoumaru had pushed aside the disturbing thought of losing his wife to time.
Inuyasha saw the shadows in Sesshoumaru's amber eyes and understood his brother's turmoil. He said a little more gently, "She's going to die eventually, Sesshoumaru. Accept it."
"I will NOT accept it!" Sesshoumaru spun away, paced to calm his racing heart. "She won't die," he said more evenly. "Her powers are greater than any other being's I have ever seen. They will sustain her. Kagome won't die like the rest of the human race. She has barely aged these many years."
"But neither will she live as long as you."
"She will," Sesshoumaru stated unequivocally. His conviction was indisputable, as always. If Sesshoumaru said that the sun would not rise, then by all that was holy it would not.
Inuyasha smiled sadly and said just as surely, "No, she won't."
This time Sesshoumaru did not withhold his anger. In a streaking flash of white and red he had Inuyasha pinned to the Old God Tree precisely where he had been imprisoned for fifty years. Inuyasha did not flinch at his brother's violence. He had been expecting it. In fact, he felt that it was well deserved. It was unforgivable of him to have brought up the sensitive subject of Kagome's humanity.
Sesshoumaru's irises were translucent and his fangs were bared, but the blue crescent and red slashes on his pale face remained unmoving. He had not lost control. Not yet. Inuyasha clutched at the hand circling his throat in an iron grip, pulled ineffectually at the locked fingers to get enough room so that he could gain a shallow breath. In the end, the only reason he was able to do so was because Sesshoumaru did not intend to kill him. His brother loosened his hold just enough so that Inuyasha could breathe – 'just enough' because Sesshoumaru's hold remained constricting enough to make breathing a strained effort.
Inuyasha tried to smile through his blurry oxygen-deprived vision, but suspected that it came out closer to a grimace. "That is the price you pay, Aniki. I paid my price for humanity by losing her; you pay your price for immortality by losing her. In the end, we both lose, don't we? How does it feel, Lord Sesshoumaru, to know that for all of your immense power you cannot save the one dearest to you? To know that you are the strongest, most feared and respected being in the world, and yet you are powerless in the one thing that matters to you."
Sesshoumaru smiled. Inuyasha could think of few other things that could be more terrifying than Sesshoumaru's icy smile as he held his life in his hands. His brother had always been able to induce fear in his victims better than anyone else he had ever met.
Sesshoumaru leaned close and whispered into Inuyasha's ear. "What makes you think that I cannot, brother dear? What makes you think that death can defeat me?"
"You think that Tenseiga can bring her back to life?" Inuyasha countered. "Well, maybe it can. But it won't bring back her youth and vitality. Would you have Kagome live eternally as an old woman, Sesshoumaru? Or were you thinking of using the Shikon no Tama's power to make her youkai?" Inuyasha asked shrewdly. "You know as well as I do that Kagome wouldn't want either to happen. She would no more use the jewel for herself than she would have given it over to Naraku and Kikyou."
"And you are correct, Inuyasha. Kagome has never been selfish." Sesshoumaru acknowledged. "But that does not mean that I am not."
Inuyasha narrowed his eyes and said, "You wouldn't risk alienating her by making her angry." Then he added thoughtfully, "And you respect her too much to do anything behind her back."
"You think too highly of me, Inuyasha." Sesshoumaru released his hold. He watched Inuyasha rub his sore throat and roll his shoulders to relieve the tension that had built from being pressed against the rough bark of the tree. "When it comes to her, I will use any means necessary to keep her alive. And… you think too little of Kagome. Her capacity for forgiveness is limitless."
Inuyasha uttered a harsh, sudden laugh. "Limitless?"
Sesshoumaru watched the sun rise. "Yes, limitless."
"Then why, Aniki," Inuyasha bit out through a throat made tight only partly from its former imprisonment, "did she leave me?"
"She told you why," Sesshoumaru said more gently than was wont.
Inuyasha followed his gaze as rays of red-gold cascaded over the patchwork of fields visible through sky-high trees, lighting every plant and blade of grass along the way, casting shadows after the light.
"Yes," he murmured. "She told me why."
"You don't believe her?" There was a hint of growling menace in Sesshoumaru's quiet tone, a warning that Inuyasha not trespass on Kagome's honor.
Inuyasha wondered what would happen if he were to step up to that threat and say he did not believe Kagome's word. Would Sesshoumaru show some mercy and put him out of his miserable non-existence?
"Then what do you not understand, Inuyasha?"
Inuyasha walked a little further away. He could feel the annoyed impatience rolling off of his brother in waves – how like Sesshoumaru that was, to be annoyed by another's ignorance. Inuyasha remembered feeling hurt by that impatience so many times. Feeling embarrassed because he had to ask for an explanation, for guidance, instead of instantly comprehending like Sesshoumaru was able to. It came as no surprise that a little bit of that embarrassment returned to Inuyasha as he heard the short, clipped question. He almost resented Sesshoumaru for that awkward feeling.
"I loved her so much, Aniki. Risked life and limb for her over and over again. I would have sacrificed everything for her…" Inuyasha murmured. "I did give up everything for her," he suddenly added hotly. "But in the end she chose to be with you."
Confusion. Bewilderment.
"With you!" Inuyasha jabbed an accusing finger at him.
Betrayal.
Inuyasha felt the bile rise in his throat as old, unresolved feelings emerged. "The one person I couldn't hate for stealing her away. If it had been Kouga, I could have handled it. If it had been that human boy from her time, I would have said that she wasn't meant to be in this time. If it had been ANYONE else!" Inuyasha breathed heavily. "I would have been able to get over it… But it was you."
Resentment.
"Why?"
Anguish.
"Why is it," Inuyasha asked, "that you get everything, and I get nothing?"
Sesshoumaru couldn't bear to look at his brother's grief stricken face any longer. Now it was his turn to put distance between them.
"Not even crumbs with which to sustain me, Aniki."
The words, when they came, were measured: tested for their appropriateness before being spoken. They were nowhere close to his usual succinctness.
"Some people in this world seem to be gifted with every blessing possible to man or demon, while others… are cursed. But we all suffer. Life is neither easy nor kind. Anyone who says that either has not lived life to the fullest or is deluding himself.
"You probably will not believe me, but at one time I also thought as you do. I thought that everyone else's lives were so much simpler, so much easier than mine. Why did I have to be tested at every turn? Why did I have to fight for what was rightfully mine?
"But then I realized…"
Inuyasha stared in mute wonder at Sesshoumaru's trembling hand and waited for him to finish his thought.
"I realized that if I wanted anything, then I had to fight for it. I had to sacrifice for it just like everyone else. What I didn't see for all of those years was that everyone had to make sacrifices in order to be happy. You make decisions, and what you choose will open one window of opportunity while simultaneously closing off the paths that would lead to other possibilities. And when you make a decision… there is no turning back, Inuyasha. You can keep asking "What if?" and keep regretting your decision for your entire lifetime, but neither of these things will change the choice you made.
"Once you take that path, you have to make the best of it. When you fell to Naraku's deceit and battled with Kikyou, you made the decision that she wasn't trustworthy after all. You gave up on her, as she gave up on you. The result was her death and your enchanted sleep. Fifty years later, Kagome freed you. You could have chosen right then and there to end her life, but you did not. For which I am eternally grateful to you." Sesshoumaru paused. He was more tired than he could ever remember being. By sheer stubborn willpower he forced himself to continue.
"It was your choice from the very beginning, Inuyasha. Kagome would have stayed by your side. Her love was there for everyone to see. But you were so wrapped up in that damned corpse," he spat. Years past and he was still angry on Kagome's behalf… "You never noticed how much you hurt her until it was too late. So don't blame her or me for what you've lost. You did it to yourself. You didn't have faith in Kikyou and you were too blind to see that you were blessed with unconditional love from Kagome. You chose your own path, Inuyasha, no one else."
Sesshoumaru's sensitive ears twitched as the birds woke with the dawn and began their morning song. Inuyasha turned away to discreetly swipe at his damp cheeks.
"But I am sorry…"
Inuyasha's eyes widened. He spun around, heedless of his tear tracks. "What did you say?"
Amber and violet met, clashed, held.
"I taught you distrust…" Sesshoumaru almost seemed to be lost in his thoughts. "If I had shown you even a little bit of kindness, then maybe you would have learned to have faith in people, to trust people. But I did not, and therefore you could not. So some of the blame for your life falls on me. I will regret that for the rest of my days."
"You…" Inuyasha was a little dizzy. The world had just tilted ninety-degrees on its axis. "You feel responsible, Aniki?"
With a flick of his wrist a cloud formed midair. Sesshoumaru stepped onto it. "I have always been responsible for you, little brother."
"Sesshoumaru!" Inuyasha raised a hand to shield his eyes from the glaring light. It promised to be a sunny day.
"What is it?" The characteristic edginess had returned.
"Why were you here?"
"I could not let her come alone, Inuyasha. As much as I can see that you still love her, I will not take any undue risks where Kagome is concerned."
Perception made Inuyasha's gaze sharp. "Then why didn't you leave with Kagome?"
For one brief instant, the unfiltered morning light made Inuyasha's black hair glow white and his violet eyes glint with a golden sheen.
Sesshoumaru said coolly, "You aren't the only one plagued with regrets, Inuyasha."
[End Part II]
Definitions:
ANIKI: Elder brother. Refers to one's own older brother. Unlike "Oniisan" which is a more generic term that can be used to address or in reference to any older, but not quite old enough to be a generation removed, male. Aniki is only for your own older brother; Oniisan is for any older male within your age group, including cousins. Also, Oniisan is used in reference to another person's older brother(s).
Author's Notes:
October 8, 2002.
Oh… my…
I have no clue where this came from. @_@ I was in the process of rereading my fanfics (helps with continuity and storyline cohesion)… suddenly I started typing for all my worth after rereading this old relic from 2000.
Like with my other fanfics, I like to keep the Japanese to a minimum since I'm writing in English. ^^; However, when it comes to addressing people, I will use the Japanese suffix as well as titles in families and terms such as youkai and hanyou. Reason being, translating these terms will often result in (a) losing the intended connotations or, (b) adding unwanted connotations to the words.
For example, with the words "youkai" and "demon": The term youkai is often translated into demon in English. However, because western religions attach evil, Satan, immorality, etc. to the word "demon" I do not like to use this translation. The word youkai does often refer to dark beings, and yes sometimes they are evil. However, evil and immorality are not always present in youkai. Oftentimes youkai are simply wild creatures that have unusual (by human standards at least -_-;) powers/abilities, or are playful pranksters such as kitsune (fox spirits). This all depends on the story/fable you are reading, of course, but you get my drift.
I think Sesshoumaru is pretty much in character… Well… in character with how I've portrayed him in Prelude and Full Circle, that is. I hope that no one sees Inuyasha as pitiful in this fic. He isn't meant to be. I think that he's confused and feeling betrayed more than anything else. How much worse can your love life get than having your significant other hook up with your sibling? Ooh, the drama. ^_^;
So… what do you think? Please submit a review and let me know.
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Shun'u