Dracadder
HERE COMES THE LEGAL PART: Blackadder is the intellectual property of John Lloyd, Ben Elton and all the rest of them. It is the corporate property of the BBC. BTVS is the intellectual property of Joss Whedon, and the corporate property of FOX. I have no intent of gaining profit from this story.
Yet again, thanks a million to Deathtramp for her beta-ness. Also a big thanks to everyone who's took the time to review my story here on ff.net. Without input from others I probably would have left it be after the first part and sulked
Into every generation there is born a man One who will stand along side the thickies, the rich, and the innocent. And exploit them for all they are worth.
He is the Blackadder
+++
What has gone before: In thirties London, Blackadder's theories on the non-existence of Vampires were proven wrong when found himself in the clutches of his former friend, and current Vamp Gordon Flasheart. Now Blackadder has been brought across to Darkness. which is already an improvement on the time he had to stay at Baldrick's.
+++
Chapter 3 - Blackadder vs. the Slayer
Edmund looked down on the cowering Baldrick. The fact was that he would have killed Baldrick if he could - but he wouldn't feed on him. Anyway, he had plans for his houseboy - he needed him alive.
He forced Baldrick into one of the armchairs in the sitting room then quickly dragged him back up again - he didn't want Baldrick dirtying the furniture. He went into the kitchen and forced him onto the stool by the stove.
He then leant knelt down so that he was shoulder level with Baldrick. He extended his fingers, and held them in front of Baldrick's eyes.
"You are falling under my power." said Edmund, as he began to flex and curl his fingers in front of Baldrick. Baldrick merely stared back at him, with the same blank look that he always had. Still, at least it wasn't fear.
"Do you understand?" asked Edmund
"No." replied Baldrick flatly. "Oh sodding hell! I'm trying to hypnotise you! Now lets try again." Edmund raised his fingers and twirled them in front of Baldrick's eyes.
"You are falling under my power. do you understand?"
"Yes" said Baldrick, distantly
"Finally" said Edmund.
With that Baldrick fell to the ground. Edmund scoffed.
"Oh get up Balders" hissed Edmund.
Baldrick groggily stood to his feet.
"Now." began Edmund, but before he could continue, Baldrick fell to the ground with another thud. "Oh for goodness sake." said Edmund as he picked Baldrick up "Have you been drinking? I hear that kills of parts of the brain, and in your case, its not very wise to diminish something you lack already."
"Not drinking" said Baldrick, still in a trance "Falling under your power" Edmund looked at Baldrick trying to figure out what he meant. He released his arm from Baldrick's shoulder, and he turned his back trying to think along the same lines as his lackey. Finally it came to him.
"Oh I get it!" said Edmund. Thud. Baldrick was on the ground again. "I hypnotised you too quickly and you took the falling under my power thing literally. All right. You will stop falling under my power." He said with a half hearted movement of his hand. Baldrick stood to his feet again.
"Now, is that it?" asked Edmund. Baldrick stood still. "Good. Now, take this address." Blackadder reached into his pocket and handed a piece of paper he had stolen from Flasheart's pocket. It was the address of a demon bar in London.
"I need you to ask the people there if they know the name of the slayer. do you understand?" Edmund asked.
"Yes." Said Baldrick.
A malicious smile crossed Edmund's lips "Oh, from now on, whenever you speak to me, you have to say 'master' after everything. Do you understand me?" he asked Baldrick.
"Yes Master After Everything." Said Baldrick.
"Oh just sod off and find me the slayer Baldrick." Said Edmund, too frustrated to re-program his servant. "Yes Master After Everything" repeated Baldrick, and he left the kitchen and set off on his way.
He looked at Baldrick leave the grounds from an upstairs window, then took a deep breath and calmed himself. There was a second piece of paper in Flasheart's pocket - the Address of the Watcher's council
+++
On his way to the watcher's council, Edmund came across Melchett's Merchant Bank. He almost certainly knew his boss wasn't there - he was probably off at some convention or meeting, it probably involved copious amounts of alcohol, and almost certainly involved some form of buggery. However, there was a light on in one of the 3rd floor windows, and immediately knew who it was. He spoke his name with an acidic contempt.
"Darling."
Percy Darling to be precise. In life, Darling was Edmund's biggest adversary. They were room mates at university, Darling was a hard worker, but Edmund managed to weasel his way through life, thus he was able to do as well as Darling, and end up with an active social life in addition. Darling thought he had overcome Edmund when he managed to get a job working for Melchett, but once again Blackadder outdid him by getting a job there too, and winning the hand of the old walrus' daughter in marriage, guaranteeing Blackadder ownership of the bank when Melchett finally popped his clogs.
Edmund decided to go and pay Darling a visit. Of course, he would never have the satisfaction of being Darling's boss, but on the other hand, he would have the greater satisfaction of snuffing out his life like a flame, which was much more preferable to Edmund.
He broke into the door and clambered up the steps. He knocked on the door, and heard a loud "come in". There sat Darling, feverishly writing away at some document or other. He stared up then froze as he realised who it was.
"Ah, Edmund, heard you'd died." Said Darling, keeping his comments short meant that he could successfully contain his loathing for the man who may one day be his boss.
"Well actually yes, I did." Said Blackadder.
".and you were resurrected as a vampire?" asked Darling.
Something stung at the back of Edmund's head. Percy knew about him. He knew, and he didn't even flinch. From a man who was scared when Melchett didn't get his coffee at 10.00 on the dot, this was very fishy.
"And, lets say your right." Said Blackadder, trying to seem like he was absentmindedly scrutinising Percy's notice board "How did you come across this little snippet of information?"
Percy smiled - and that worried Edmund
"Well, Gordon Flasheart came my way, said he was trying to turn the rest of the old school gang into vampires, said he already turned you. I told him to go away."
"Bloody hell, we must be running short on classmates if Flasheart tried to recruit you. Why did you refuse, because he wouldn't turn Mr Teddy?"
At the mention of Darling's secret bedtime toy from their university days, the clerk's left eye twitched, and his nostrils flared.
"It's Mr Fluffy, and you know, I'm glad you're dead! That means I can finally tell you what an idle layabout you really were, and how I hoped and prayed that you would mess up, and your marriage to Elizabeth would be cancelled."
"And I" countered Edmund "Can tell you this" his face shifted. His fangs elongated, ridges appeared on his forehead, and his eyes turned sickly yellow. "Die, you sodding git."
Darling quickly pulled out a wooden crucifix that filled Edmund with a gut churning dread as soon as he saw it. He turned and backed away, leaving Darling to chuckle smugly.
+++
"Damn" was all Blackadder could say as he made his way to the Watcher Council's headquarters. He had been robbed of his greatest kill. He'd tear the watchers apart, then he'd climb up the walls of the bank, break in to Darlings window, and tear out his throat. But first he had to take care of the watchers and the slayers - leave Darling for desert.
He opened the door of the Watcher HQ and was immediately repelled by something. "Private Property Blackadder" said a voice behind him. He turned and saw Darling standing there, the same smug expression on his face as when they parted. He must have followed him. The sneak. "Didn't Flasheart tell you about that weakness?"
"No" admitted Blackadder "And I've got a good mind to shove a crucifix where the sun doesn't shine for that little omission"
Darling laughed "That'll have to wait until you join him in hell."
"You killed my Sire?" said Edmund, indignantly.
"Yes, does that upset you?" asked Darling.
"Too right it does!" confirmed Edmund "He still owes me two pounds from 1927."
Darling flinched; disappointed that Edmund didn't feel any real emotional attachment to the vampire that made him.
"Wait a minute." Said Edmund. "How does the man who used to check the toilets for rugby players before setting foot into them, kill a creature of the night?
"I was trained to do so." Said Darling, gleefully setting foot into the watcher's HQ.
"You're a watcher!" said Edmund.
But before they could continue, a shrill "Help, help." Could be heard coming closer and closer.
"A monkey's got me!" a female voice said. Edmund smelled them rather than saw them. Or rather, he smelt Baldrick. But Blackadder rolled his eyes when he saw his captive.
"Baldrick, that's not the Slayer, its Elizabeth." Said Blackadder
"Yes, Elizabeth is the slayer, Master After Everything." Said Baldrick.
"Ha!" said Blackadder "The only thing that trout could slay is a man's eardrums."
"Edmund" said Elizabeth with a pout "That's a horrid thing to say."
"Well it's the truth!" said Blackadder. "God, now I can tell you what I really think of you. You're a vain, temperamental, foul mannered cow, and I'm glad I won't have to spend the rest of my days with you."
Elizabeth punched Baldrick on the nose and he fell onto his backside. She tore up each sided of her dress to allow freedom of movement. She then held up a stake.
"Thank you for being honest" she said with a deeply serious voice. It was devoid of the screeches and squeals that usually baited Edmund. In fact, it was her real voice - the voice of the slayer.
"When you died" began Darling "It was decided that Elizabeth and I should marry, since I am her watcher. It would make our duties easier to complete. So I would suppose that means that I get the bank that you would have gotten, the woman you would have gotten, and the sackfuls of lovely, lovely cash you would have gotten."
The rage and anger was too much for Edmund to bear. Forgetting himself, he lunged at Darling, clawing at the air in front of him. "You bastard!" screeched Edmund. He looked down as he stared at a sudden lump pushing through his shirt. For a split second he hoped that it was some sort of extra part of the transformation into a full on Vampire, but the shirt tore, and Edmund saw the tip of the slayers stake.
"Oh Damn." Edmund said, as his body turned to dust, and was scattered into the London night wind.
THE END
HERE COMES THE LEGAL PART: Blackadder is the intellectual property of John Lloyd, Ben Elton and all the rest of them. It is the corporate property of the BBC. BTVS is the intellectual property of Joss Whedon, and the corporate property of FOX. I have no intent of gaining profit from this story.
Yet again, thanks a million to Deathtramp for her beta-ness. Also a big thanks to everyone who's took the time to review my story here on ff.net. Without input from others I probably would have left it be after the first part and sulked
Into every generation there is born a man One who will stand along side the thickies, the rich, and the innocent. And exploit them for all they are worth.
He is the Blackadder
+++
What has gone before: In thirties London, Blackadder's theories on the non-existence of Vampires were proven wrong when found himself in the clutches of his former friend, and current Vamp Gordon Flasheart. Now Blackadder has been brought across to Darkness. which is already an improvement on the time he had to stay at Baldrick's.
+++
Chapter 3 - Blackadder vs. the Slayer
Edmund looked down on the cowering Baldrick. The fact was that he would have killed Baldrick if he could - but he wouldn't feed on him. Anyway, he had plans for his houseboy - he needed him alive.
He forced Baldrick into one of the armchairs in the sitting room then quickly dragged him back up again - he didn't want Baldrick dirtying the furniture. He went into the kitchen and forced him onto the stool by the stove.
He then leant knelt down so that he was shoulder level with Baldrick. He extended his fingers, and held them in front of Baldrick's eyes.
"You are falling under my power." said Edmund, as he began to flex and curl his fingers in front of Baldrick. Baldrick merely stared back at him, with the same blank look that he always had. Still, at least it wasn't fear.
"Do you understand?" asked Edmund
"No." replied Baldrick flatly. "Oh sodding hell! I'm trying to hypnotise you! Now lets try again." Edmund raised his fingers and twirled them in front of Baldrick's eyes.
"You are falling under my power. do you understand?"
"Yes" said Baldrick, distantly
"Finally" said Edmund.
With that Baldrick fell to the ground. Edmund scoffed.
"Oh get up Balders" hissed Edmund.
Baldrick groggily stood to his feet.
"Now." began Edmund, but before he could continue, Baldrick fell to the ground with another thud. "Oh for goodness sake." said Edmund as he picked Baldrick up "Have you been drinking? I hear that kills of parts of the brain, and in your case, its not very wise to diminish something you lack already."
"Not drinking" said Baldrick, still in a trance "Falling under your power" Edmund looked at Baldrick trying to figure out what he meant. He released his arm from Baldrick's shoulder, and he turned his back trying to think along the same lines as his lackey. Finally it came to him.
"Oh I get it!" said Edmund. Thud. Baldrick was on the ground again. "I hypnotised you too quickly and you took the falling under my power thing literally. All right. You will stop falling under my power." He said with a half hearted movement of his hand. Baldrick stood to his feet again.
"Now, is that it?" asked Edmund. Baldrick stood still. "Good. Now, take this address." Blackadder reached into his pocket and handed a piece of paper he had stolen from Flasheart's pocket. It was the address of a demon bar in London.
"I need you to ask the people there if they know the name of the slayer. do you understand?" Edmund asked.
"Yes." Said Baldrick.
A malicious smile crossed Edmund's lips "Oh, from now on, whenever you speak to me, you have to say 'master' after everything. Do you understand me?" he asked Baldrick.
"Yes Master After Everything." Said Baldrick.
"Oh just sod off and find me the slayer Baldrick." Said Edmund, too frustrated to re-program his servant. "Yes Master After Everything" repeated Baldrick, and he left the kitchen and set off on his way.
He looked at Baldrick leave the grounds from an upstairs window, then took a deep breath and calmed himself. There was a second piece of paper in Flasheart's pocket - the Address of the Watcher's council
+++
On his way to the watcher's council, Edmund came across Melchett's Merchant Bank. He almost certainly knew his boss wasn't there - he was probably off at some convention or meeting, it probably involved copious amounts of alcohol, and almost certainly involved some form of buggery. However, there was a light on in one of the 3rd floor windows, and immediately knew who it was. He spoke his name with an acidic contempt.
"Darling."
Percy Darling to be precise. In life, Darling was Edmund's biggest adversary. They were room mates at university, Darling was a hard worker, but Edmund managed to weasel his way through life, thus he was able to do as well as Darling, and end up with an active social life in addition. Darling thought he had overcome Edmund when he managed to get a job working for Melchett, but once again Blackadder outdid him by getting a job there too, and winning the hand of the old walrus' daughter in marriage, guaranteeing Blackadder ownership of the bank when Melchett finally popped his clogs.
Edmund decided to go and pay Darling a visit. Of course, he would never have the satisfaction of being Darling's boss, but on the other hand, he would have the greater satisfaction of snuffing out his life like a flame, which was much more preferable to Edmund.
He broke into the door and clambered up the steps. He knocked on the door, and heard a loud "come in". There sat Darling, feverishly writing away at some document or other. He stared up then froze as he realised who it was.
"Ah, Edmund, heard you'd died." Said Darling, keeping his comments short meant that he could successfully contain his loathing for the man who may one day be his boss.
"Well actually yes, I did." Said Blackadder.
".and you were resurrected as a vampire?" asked Darling.
Something stung at the back of Edmund's head. Percy knew about him. He knew, and he didn't even flinch. From a man who was scared when Melchett didn't get his coffee at 10.00 on the dot, this was very fishy.
"And, lets say your right." Said Blackadder, trying to seem like he was absentmindedly scrutinising Percy's notice board "How did you come across this little snippet of information?"
Percy smiled - and that worried Edmund
"Well, Gordon Flasheart came my way, said he was trying to turn the rest of the old school gang into vampires, said he already turned you. I told him to go away."
"Bloody hell, we must be running short on classmates if Flasheart tried to recruit you. Why did you refuse, because he wouldn't turn Mr Teddy?"
At the mention of Darling's secret bedtime toy from their university days, the clerk's left eye twitched, and his nostrils flared.
"It's Mr Fluffy, and you know, I'm glad you're dead! That means I can finally tell you what an idle layabout you really were, and how I hoped and prayed that you would mess up, and your marriage to Elizabeth would be cancelled."
"And I" countered Edmund "Can tell you this" his face shifted. His fangs elongated, ridges appeared on his forehead, and his eyes turned sickly yellow. "Die, you sodding git."
Darling quickly pulled out a wooden crucifix that filled Edmund with a gut churning dread as soon as he saw it. He turned and backed away, leaving Darling to chuckle smugly.
+++
"Damn" was all Blackadder could say as he made his way to the Watcher Council's headquarters. He had been robbed of his greatest kill. He'd tear the watchers apart, then he'd climb up the walls of the bank, break in to Darlings window, and tear out his throat. But first he had to take care of the watchers and the slayers - leave Darling for desert.
He opened the door of the Watcher HQ and was immediately repelled by something. "Private Property Blackadder" said a voice behind him. He turned and saw Darling standing there, the same smug expression on his face as when they parted. He must have followed him. The sneak. "Didn't Flasheart tell you about that weakness?"
"No" admitted Blackadder "And I've got a good mind to shove a crucifix where the sun doesn't shine for that little omission"
Darling laughed "That'll have to wait until you join him in hell."
"You killed my Sire?" said Edmund, indignantly.
"Yes, does that upset you?" asked Darling.
"Too right it does!" confirmed Edmund "He still owes me two pounds from 1927."
Darling flinched; disappointed that Edmund didn't feel any real emotional attachment to the vampire that made him.
"Wait a minute." Said Edmund. "How does the man who used to check the toilets for rugby players before setting foot into them, kill a creature of the night?
"I was trained to do so." Said Darling, gleefully setting foot into the watcher's HQ.
"You're a watcher!" said Edmund.
But before they could continue, a shrill "Help, help." Could be heard coming closer and closer.
"A monkey's got me!" a female voice said. Edmund smelled them rather than saw them. Or rather, he smelt Baldrick. But Blackadder rolled his eyes when he saw his captive.
"Baldrick, that's not the Slayer, its Elizabeth." Said Blackadder
"Yes, Elizabeth is the slayer, Master After Everything." Said Baldrick.
"Ha!" said Blackadder "The only thing that trout could slay is a man's eardrums."
"Edmund" said Elizabeth with a pout "That's a horrid thing to say."
"Well it's the truth!" said Blackadder. "God, now I can tell you what I really think of you. You're a vain, temperamental, foul mannered cow, and I'm glad I won't have to spend the rest of my days with you."
Elizabeth punched Baldrick on the nose and he fell onto his backside. She tore up each sided of her dress to allow freedom of movement. She then held up a stake.
"Thank you for being honest" she said with a deeply serious voice. It was devoid of the screeches and squeals that usually baited Edmund. In fact, it was her real voice - the voice of the slayer.
"When you died" began Darling "It was decided that Elizabeth and I should marry, since I am her watcher. It would make our duties easier to complete. So I would suppose that means that I get the bank that you would have gotten, the woman you would have gotten, and the sackfuls of lovely, lovely cash you would have gotten."
The rage and anger was too much for Edmund to bear. Forgetting himself, he lunged at Darling, clawing at the air in front of him. "You bastard!" screeched Edmund. He looked down as he stared at a sudden lump pushing through his shirt. For a split second he hoped that it was some sort of extra part of the transformation into a full on Vampire, but the shirt tore, and Edmund saw the tip of the slayers stake.
"Oh Damn." Edmund said, as his body turned to dust, and was scattered into the London night wind.
THE END