Author: miku
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimer applies in this fic.
Warning: This story contains shounen-ai (boy/boy relationship) and if that offends you, better leave. I may add some lime or something like that (m.a.y.b.e) but I'll warn you before you can proceed.
Konnichi wa… a… er… konban wa???? Whatever! Hello minna! Sorry for errors ^^;; again, but… I have no time of checking and editing them… maybe sometime when I'm free… hectic school sched, I say… but of course, I wanted to finish this fic as soon as possible. I know how hard it is to wait for chapters! +_+
Oh well… the rain began to fall… lol
Well, it fell, yes… but it was a nice weather at the start, ne?? But it really did rain. ^^;;
Now, now… I'm not good with angst but I like reading them… but who knows… I might learn to write one. ^___^
This is quite a longer chapter… ^_^
Oh! And the pairing of this story would not depend on the vote. ^^;; yes. I hate to say that though. It would depend to the story flow. Anyway, Rukawa had not yet decided. Moreover… he had not yet thought about… love… here… am I right??? Ehehe… that means the next chapter would be… might be… Rukawa falling for… who?
AHHHHH!!! That means more chapter to go?!?!?! WAAAAAA!!!!!
Are you getting bored minna? Do you want me to stop already? ^^;;
Or end this all quickly??? Here: If I end this quickly then… the ending would be… not what you expected…. If I continue for more chapters then… maybe… ehehehehehe… ^^;;;
Hope you won't get mad at me. ^^;;;;
Part Sixteen
Realizations
He managed to reach his apartment just in time before the rain poured stronger. He was dripping wet still yet he just slumped himself to his bed without even removing his shoes.
He was hurt.
He was hurt seeing Sendoh hurt. He was hurt seeing Sakuragi hurt. Those two people who were so special to him had been suffering just because of him. Maybe the idea of being close to anyone was not really good, especially for someone like him – someone who could not even utter the word "hi", what more a "thank you" and "how are you"?
He had not realized it that Sendoh and Sakuragi had already been closed to him. Closer than what should be. He was… contented… at first, knowing, finally, he managed to set his past aside and start a new life with basketball and his team. Then with Sendoh… the person he once wanted to defeat. Well… he had not yet defeated him anyway but whenever they had their one-on-one, as if they were already equal. And Rukawa was satisfied. Sendoh did not treat him as an opponent even at the start. And he hurt him. He caused sadness to those always-vibrant eyes and smiling face.
And Sakuragi…
Perhaps it was better if they just stayed contender of one another. In that case, he would have not cared for him. In that case, Sakuragi would not have been so confused with his feelings. Sakuragi would have been happy loving Haruko.
However, he did not want to lose his closeness with these two. He did not want to lose the people who became so special to him in a short span of time. But why? Was it his fault that their lives became complicated? So complicated?
"I don't know. I think I'm falling for you yet I could not accept it. I kept on denying it. I'm not sure. It's wrong I know. People might hate me for it. And most all you might hate me for it but it just kept hurting me. It just kept hurting me every time I would try to deny it and see you with that bastard Sendoh. I don't know… I'm just… I'm really… I'm really confused…"
"Just that, Kaede? You just don't want to lose a challenging one-on-one partner, that's all?"
"I promise you won't then, I'm always here…"
"But… but is that all you think of me, Kaede? An opponent? A challenger and nothing more?"
"Then I should be glad you treat me as someone…"
What he wanted was friendship. He was not hoping for something more. Perhaps because he was not worthy of love… but he knew he was worthy, at least, of care. But if that meant of hurting the people who cared for him then maybe he should just let it go…
America…
Maybe he should go there now… Maybe it would be the best decision he would come up with. Maybe… just maybe…
But would it not make him a coward?
Yes.
Then maybe he should fix all the problems before he go. Yes. Sendoh and Sakuragi deserved to be happy than him. They were not worthy of heartaches.
Rukawa closed his eyes, a tear slowly gliding unto his smooth pale face illuminated by the moon.
"I never thought that he would come to you. I never thought that he would be the one to comfort you…"
During those times, he really felt alone but he did not want to seek for help. His problem was, after all, a man. What would his friends think of him then? That he's gay? But he's not. He liked Haruko. He liked Haruko very much.
"You like Haruko. Yes. I know that. You like her as what?"
What Yohei asked him made him think. A girlfriend of course. But then, he had never thought about that actually. Whenever he's with Haruko, he's happy. And every now and then he would think of how to defeat Rukawa and gain Haruko's attention. But he had never thought of actually making her his girlfriend nor had he thought of how would he confess his feelings to her.
"… Do you still want her to be your girlfriend now?"
Haruko was really a nice girl. She's pretty and kind. He knew that many guy liked her too. It was queer though that Rukawa had not yet noticed her admiration of him. Or maybe he had noticed but took no heed. Baka kitsune! Did he not think that he was so lucky to have Haruko admiring him?
"Then tell me, do you love her?"
Love her… love her… Does he love her? Of course… but…
"… You've changed a lot… after being closed with Rukawa…"
Perhaps he changed a lot really. He had lessened his mockery with the raven boy. He had somehow lessened his selfishness of having the limelight on him.
But what changed in him really was that he had been thinking a lot lately. He had been contemplating on what to do unlike before…
And that was what he was doing right now…
"… Love makes you foolish but not literally like you have to look the most idiot creature there is. No matter how comfortable you would be to someone you love, it would still change you. You don't love someone because of what you see and what you think…"
Love makes you foolish. Yes perhaps because he was here measuring his feelings for two certain people, one a girl, and the other a man. And yes, that certainly made him foolish.
He had been comfortable with Haruko although he blushed a lot. Who would not be anyway? Being close to someone you like and all…
But he was still the Hanamichi everybody knew. Whenever he's playing and Haruko would shout at him, encouraging him, he would liven up. But that was just him. That would never change in him. It was his typical reaction with all the girls he had admired before.
And he knew he liked Haruko the first time he saw her. Haruko was pretty and that was one thing he admired of the girl. She was sweet and kind. She was everything a man could ask for. And she was the one who brought him to the world of basketball… where… he met him.
Rukawa Kaede. Pretty boy yet he did not know how to smile, did not know how to talk casually, even more, did not know how to be kind. And he hated him… before…
Yet seeing Rukawa's other side during those days that he had been planning his strategy do defeat both aces… he felt somewhat… captivated. Not because he was beautiful. Not because he was very contrary to the Rukawa he knew. He was just… captivated… with no reason at all. Or maybe there was a reason he did not yet realized now.
And that made him recall all his memories of him and Rukawa… during those times that he hated him.
Rukawa kicked him whenever he was playing badly – on his first official game and many other incident. He even told him once that if he did not want for the team to win then don't play at all.
Rukawa was always calling him 'dumb', 'foolish' and everything that perfectly contradicted his being tensai. Rukawa always showed off… he always made the most fantastic shot, moves and all… and that's what made Sakuragi strive harder.
But to think about it, it was actually Rukawa who had been morally uplifting his spirit in his distinct Rukawa-way. Rukawa was the one who would wake him up during the times he felt like he was… foolish and erroneous.
He could vividly recall how Rukawa managed to get him back to himself after they lost to Kainan. Rukawa even told him that it was his (Rukawa's fault) and not him and they beat up each other the whole night.
Haruko tried to cheer him up too! Telling him that a tensai makes mistakes too…
Yet…
Rukawa was the one who really pulled him out of his desperation…
Haruko was always cheering for him… that's true. But when in times that he felt like he was useless, he would not hear of Haruko's encouragement anymore although she was still trying. Only after a kick or two from Rukawa would snapped him back to his usual self.
And only now did he appreciated it…
He remembered the time when he was still learning lay-up. Akagi asked Rukawa to teach him how and the boy agreed somehow. But Sakuragi just threw at him a ball many times. That made Akagi mad. And Rukawa somehow too. So he was forced to apologize and he made quite a good act there. Rukawa quickly forgave him and was already going to teach him when he poured at him all the basketball in the casing.
He had been very selfish. He had to admit that. Rukawa had been kind to him actually… and only now did he realized it… how foolish of him…
"Love doesn't need to be loud…"
What did Yohei mean by 'loud' anyway? He did not need to shout it? Or proclaim it to the world? Of course not! It's the best way of proving your love. It's the best way of admitting it. It's the best way of telling the person you love that you are being true.
But was that what Yohei meant?
Or…
That love was something one seldom recognize because he think that he was already feeling it…
Haruko…
Rukawa…
And now he decided. He would do something foolish tomorrow but that would answer all his questions. Tomorrow… tomorrow would be the realization day.
Sendoh was still awake. He was thinking if he had been right about telling Rukawa those words – those words full of loneliness…
He was hurt. Yes, that's true. But it was not Rukawa's fault. It was not Rukawa's fault that Sendoh fell in love for him.
Rukawa was not to blame but him, Sendoh.
He had realized what he was feeling for the boy yet he did not do anything to prevent it. But why would he? That was the first time he really felt it true and would he let it go?
But he just failed, right? He made something stupid just because he was so… captivated… but was it really a stupid thing to do? Was it stupid to show someone what you feel for him?
However, he should have not been too fast.
He was just scared. Scared that Sakuragi would take Rukawa away from him. He was hurt seeing the two together, knowing that Rukawa walked with him… He was hurt upon hearing Rukawa talking to Sakuragi something far from basketball… even a short "let's go"…
And Rukawa treated him nothing more than just a challenge.
And that's the most painful of all…
But maybe not… He did not give the younger boy the time to say anything. Maybe Rukawa was so stunned that he could not say anything. Yes. That's it. Why did he become shallow minded anyway? Because of jealousy?
Moreover…
He had not yet told Rukawa what he actually felt for him…
He had not yet told Rukawa the exact words…
Then he would. He should not expect to have his answer immediately anyway. Sendoh did not really want any answer. He just wanted to tell Rukawa the he loved him and that was enough. It would not matter if Rukawa would not love him back. Just don't let Rukawa avoid him or he would find no other reasons for living…
But then…
Would it not be good if Rukawa loved him back?
Of course it would be but for now… he should be contented.
He had never been serious like this. He had never been so desperate like this. He had never loved anyone like the way he loved Rukawa. Why should he let this one go? Why should he give up? It would be his greatest regret if he chose to be a coward.
He made his decision. It would be up to Rukawa if this decision would be good or bad.
One thing he was certain though… that his decision was not wrong.
But who would suffer more in the end?
Him?
Sakuragi?
Or Rukawa?
To be continued…
Miku: ^^;; Sakuragi thinks more than the two, ne? It's just that, for me, there had been many things missed by him in reality even sans the shounen-ai theme… and that was Rukawa's actual kindness to him although it seemed… not… Oh well… what can you say?? I need your review! ^^;;
I like reading reviews… they make me want to continue more…
Oh well… no flames for now please… just wait for the story to end… As what I've told you before… ^^;; it's not a very good encouragement… oh well… thanks anyway for reading! Let's wait for the next chapter!!
^_^
Oh lastly… is the story… ummm…. Getting boring???