Disclaimer: All the Moulin Rouge characters belong to Baz Luhrmann and
Craig Pierce. Including the song fragments used in this chapter.
A/N: I want to thank everyone who's reviewed and apologize for not putting chapter 2 up sooner. It's because by the time I went to check if anyone had read and reviewed my fanfic, I'd totally convinced myself that it sucked and that no one was gonna read it, since it wasn't Satine/Christian, so I didn't work on chapter 2 AT ALL. So when I saw the reviews I was over the moon. I mean it, I would've been over the moon even if I'd seen only one positive review - so thx you guys and hope you like this chapter. It's got more lovey-dovey stuff and it's more romantic. And it's longer, for obvious reasons. Tell me what you think, coz you guys said I should continue the story, you think I did OK?! As for Christian, be patient, his future will also come up in chapters to come. And NOT with another woman. I wouldn't do that to Satine, or Christian for that matter, because Satine is PERFECT! Here it goes.
EYES LIKE YOURS
~ by Alicia Jo Twain ~
PART 1 - LETTERS TO MY UNBORN CHILD
Chapter 2: THE PRESENT
June 3rd, 1900
My shining light.
It's been six months since the opening night of "Spectacular Spectacular". It's been six months since the final night of "Spectacular Spectacular". It's been six months since I've last seen Christian. It's been six months since he thought I'd died. It's been six months since I've been missing him. It's been six months since I thought I couldn't live without him. It's been six months since I found out you'd been growing inside of me. It's been six months since you've been giving me the strength to survive each day without him. It's been six months since I found out I was dying.
I think it's time I told you about your daddy. I don't want you to think that you were unwanted or that you were the result of some filthy affair for money. You are so much more. [more tears smearing the handwriting] You are the fruit of such a pure and beautiful love that I thought only existed in fairytales. But some fairytales do come true, if only for a little while. That's what Christian was to me - my very own fairytale. and you. you are my miracle.
How I met your daddy. The whole thing was quite funny, actually. I first spotted him at the Moulin Rouge, mistaking him for the Duke [handwriting getting rigid at the thought of that horrible man] who was keen to invest in the Moulin Rouge and its first play, that is, after a night with me. So when your daddy came to the elephant the very same night, I did all I could to seduce him, but he got all confused and it didn't seem like he'd go for the smoldering temptress that Harry had told me was his type. I pinned him to the bed and at once he pushed me back causing me to fall on the floor. He just turned around and looked at his feet. I was even more confused, but we needed an investor so once he started reciting some poetry, which was really odd as no man had EVER recited anything to me, let alone poetry, I thought it would turn him on and I started wailing and hitting the floor yelling, "Yes! Yes! This is what I want! Naughty words! More!" Thinking back, it all sounds quite pathetic, I must've scared the hell out of him. He was there, indeed, for a poetry reading. He had only been in town for one day and the Bohemians had already discovered his great talent - he became the voice of the children of the revolution. He believed in all the bohemian ideals - truth, beauty, freedom and above all things - love, most of which I knew nothing about. Well, maybe only the beauty part.
I kept distracting Christian with my wild yells, of which I am quite embarrassed now, but then all of a sudden he started singing. It was the most beautiful song I'd ever heard. I'll remember the words to it as long as I live - "I don't have much money, but, boy, if I did I'd buy a big house where we both could live..." - that's how it went. I thought he was just reciting some song he knew, because I thought he WAS the Duke and he COULD buy us a big house, y'know. But something in the way he sang it all seemed so real and sincere. My favorite part goes like this, "So excuse me forgetting but these things I do, you see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue, anyway the thing is, what I really mean. Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen." Well, the eye color part doesn't make much sense since he was looking into my eyes when he sang that, he must've thought of it while I was yelling and screaming. But the way he said it - he could've said I was as ugly as a frog and it would've still sounded wonderful. That is your daddy's greatest talent, he could make anything sound so wonderful that you'd wonder yourself what was so bad about it. He ended the song with, "I hope you don't mind that I put down in words, how wonderful life is now you're in the world!" Me? Mind? No sane woman would have minded being told something like that by a man. But he said that because he was so insecure, I'd yelled too much, I really was playing the role of a smoldering temptress, up until the eye color part - that just knocked me off my feet. The ending verse hit me deep into my heart. No one had ever told me that, except for my mom, and as I thought of her, and my promise, I regained my composure and determined to have the Duke invest in the play, I said, "Oh...I can't believe it. I'm in love. I'm in love with a young, handsome talented Duke." I didn't really mean it, of course, I had said it many a times, but this time it just came out, quite naturally. I reproached myself in my head that I couldn't fall in love, not even with a Duke. But then Christian said he wasn't the Duke and that sent another unstoppable set of dominos flying down, just waiting to crash. If he had been the Duke the next few months would've been so much easier, but nothing in life is easy, least of all something you care about. Any other man would've kept his mouth shut and would've just used me until he was found out, but not your daddy. That's why I love him so much. He is the best person I've ever met and will meet, despite the fact that I'm dying. The Duke showed up and Christian hid from place to place in the elephant, but it wasn't really catered to hide men, so I had to concentrate on keeping the Duke's back turned to Christian and he just walked behind his back. I didn't think about Christian then, all I could think about was him not getting caught or the real Duke would not invest. To draw his attention I started reciting "Your Song" - the very song Christian had just sang to me, he later told me I'd inspired him - then and there - that is enough proof of his talent and his love for me. Christian mouthed me through the recital, towards the end of which I was looking more at him than the Duke. At that very moment there was a small voice, deep inside, telling me that this was THE man I'd been waiting my whole life for. That he would enable me to fly, to fly far far away. with him. But being practical I just ignored the voice inside, only until later that night.
I still had to get rid of Christian so the Duke wouldn't see him, so I got the Duke on the bed with me, prepared to do anything just to get Christian out of there, including sleeping with him. But your daddy wouldn't leave! He just stood there, looking at me, the Duke on top of me, pleading me with the most innocent aqua green eyes I'd ever seen, not to sleep with the Duke. I could see the despair in his eyes, but also determination that he wouldn't leave unless the Duke did so first. So I told the Duke that we would wait until opening night and practically shoved him out of the elephant. At once, Christian's expression changed to a very satisfied grin. I was so furious with him and reproached him for what he could have caused. But I was so tired and felt faint, and the next thing I remember is lying on the bed with Christian shaking me, and the Duke staring at us as if I'd betrayed him. Christian was speechless and it was up to me fix things. I introduced Christian as the writer of the play "Spectacular Spectacular" that he was about to invest in. I lied that he'd filled me with such inspiration that I'd called an emergency rehearsal. The Duke was quite skeptic, but out of nowhere the Bohemians appeared, I later found out they were kind of spying on us, and so did Harry, and as the minutes went by the Duke was more and more convinced that we were telling the truth. He asked what the story was. None of us had any idea, basically because the show did not exist, but since the Duke was to invest, we needed a story, any story. We left it all to Christian and at that very moment he thought up the whole story. He said it was about love, about a love overcoming all obstacles. The plot went like this: There was a Hindu courtesan, the most beautiful courtesan in all the world, but her kingdom was invaded by an evil Maharaja. Now, in order to save her kingdom, she had to seduce the evil Maharaja. But on the night of the seduction, she mistook a penniless sitar player for the evil Maharaja and she fell in love with him. As Christian was saying all this I kind of figured out that this plot wasn't all that original - it was what had just happened before this "emergency rehearsal". I was the Hindu courtesan who had to seduce the evil Maharajah so he would invest, but I mistake the penniless sitar player for the Maharajah. Christian continued that the sitar player wasn't trying to trick the courtesan, then he gave me the most adorable I'm-sorry look that I just started thinking that maybe he wasn't all that bad. He hadn't meant to trick me, like all the other men had.
We continued to deceive the Duke about the play: The sitar player and the courtesan had to hide their love. As more obstacles came along they're pulled apart by an evil plan. I had been watching and thinking about Christian most of the time and I thought of his song for me, I thought it fit perfectly in the story. The two lovers were brought together after she heard his song and they realized their love is just too strong. Christian and I locked gazes and I was left speechless again - he had a way of doing that, surprising you all the time. Convincing him the play would be a great success, Zidler even promising returns were fixed at 10%, the Duke agreed to invest.
As I was left alone in the elephant, I thought about Christian and all he'd said. He represented the life I'd had before I came to the Moulin Rouge. He was poor, but he still had dreams. Dreams and faith in love, that it conquered all. That life could be a fairytale if you wanted it to. He was a penniless poet but that didn't seem to bother him in the least, all he wanted to do was write, write about truth, beauty, freedom and above all - love. As I thought about that I remembered my mother and all of a sudden felt this strong feeling of nostalgia. It made me want to scream, cry and die all at once. Somehow Christian had brought all my memories into the present, all the dreams I once used to believe in. To scare away all these sad feelings I started singing my favorite song, which always cheered me up.
When will I begin to live again?
One day I'll fly away!
Leave all this to yesterday...
What more could your love do for me?
When will love be through with me?
Why live life from dream to dream and dread the day when dreaming ends?
I'd stopped believing in the lyrics of it long ago, it's not like I would ever fly away, but it still comforted me to dream about another kind of life. I had been living my life from dream to dream - whenever I was on the trapeze I'd imagine I was an actress playing a part with the audience clapping and cheering for me, as an actress, not as a courtesan. When I had to be with all those horrible men, my consciousness would fly away into another world and the men would spend the night with a talking corpse, not with me. But as one dream ended and another began I dreaded the thought that some day all the dreams would be gone, I would have used them all up, and what would I do then?! But that didn't happen, thanks to your daddy.
I went up on the elephant to sing my song. I needed to get all the rage and sorrow out, so I could continue. I had a real role now. I would be an actress! When I'd sung all I had in me, I was surprised to find Christian standing behind me. He thanked me for helping him get the job and then he asked me if I'd really meant what I'd said, about falling in love with him. My heart started beating faster, but I just coldly said that it was all an act. He lowered his head and I felt so sorry for him, so I added that I couldn't fall in love with anyone, which was true. He looked at me, his eyes wide open, shocked at the thought that I couldn't fall in love at all. He acted as if I'd just told him that I was a vampire. To him not being able to love WAS like being a vampire. He didn't believe a human being could live without love. And he was right. Christian then started convincing me that we I needed love, that it was like oxygen. I'd believed all that a long time ago, but not anymore, I couldn't afford to. I kept bringing him down from the clouds by saying that love doesn't feed you, or clothe you or provide shelter. But every time, he'd just climb higher and higher into his dreams. His faith in love was incredible. No matter what I said he always had something back to say. I firmly believe he'd say that if there was love, a romance between a cat and a mouse could totally work out.
Christian jumped onto the top of the elephant singing, "Love lifts us up where we belong!" My heart raced even faster, I yelled at him to get down, but love certainly did lift him up, because he could've simply fallen down to the ground and broken his neck. But he was above all that. His belief in love was as strong as the angels' belief in God, and he hadn't even fully experienced it yet. I continued to answer back pessimistically to all his optimistic verses, when all my insides were screaming at me to tell him that I'd fallen in love with him! I'd finally admitted it to myself, it's not like I had any other choice. But my head was screaming back at my heart to shut up, that I was a courtesan, that I couldn't fall in love. While this war raged inside of me, Christian continued his love talk and when he sang, "We can be heroes! Just for one day..." I knew it was over. I knew I couldn't keep my feelings to myself, and besides I wanted us to be heroes. I'd been a coward most of my life, if love could turn me into a hero, it wasn't as bad as I'd been told it was by the creatures from the underworld. And there was Christian. I wouldn't give him up! I couldn't.
I teased him a couple of verses longer, pretending not to believe his love song. But he knew. He later told me he saw a twinkle in my eye, and he knew he'd won me over. But it wasn't really him who'd won me over, it was LOVE! His love! All of a sudden our surroundings changed and we were flying. Flying to different worlds, where the Moulin Rouge meant nothing, where I wasn't a courtesan and he wasn't a penniless poet, where we were just two people in love. Nothing more, nothing less. I was finally free. Free to fly. It's like nothing else mattered, we were alone in the world. Alone and free to do as we may, to love one another, without the rest of the world getting in our way. It was the most exhilarating feeling I'd ever felt.
From then on everything else seemed easy in comparison to my previous life at the Moulin Rouge. Christian and I spent every free moment together. In the mornings we would all rehearse, although everyone was watching and we had to hide our love, just the knowledge that he was near was enough to go through one rehearsal and the next. But as he was the writer and I was the lead actress it wasn't strange that we would spend the afternoons up in the elephant "rehearsing". The nights we spent mostly in his garret loving each other. We cherished every minute we had, because the sun seemed to sneak up on us much too soon. I would doze off at dawn but Christian would stay up to work on the script. I honestly don't know when he slept. When I told him to work on the script later and to get some sleep or he wouldn't get through the day he said that he loved watching me sleep. That I looked so innocent and peaceful and that I was his Muse and just by watching me he knew what to write. That when I was near he didn't need anything else, not even sleep. That was the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me. I was still a little worried so I told him how I longed to wake up every morning with him next to me, so he said that he'd work on the script for an hour and then get some sleep next to me. From the day I'd said that there was not a morning I did not wake up in his arms. That was the best beginning of the day I could ever have hoped for. But I do have a feeling that sometimes he'd see me stir a little before we were due in for rehearsal, and snuggle next to me pretending he'd been sleeping. I suspected that because some days he would have endless pages of written script while other days a normal amount of them. I didn't say anything of course, but day after day that made me love him even more. If that was at all possible. If that's what he really did, he didn't show it. He was always ready for rehearsals, he'd sometimes even call extra rehearsals if he wasn't happy with a scene. There was nothing to indicate he wasn't getting enough sleep, barely any sleep actually. Can you believe I have never, since I've met him, seen him yawn. I guess it's like he told me, he lived on love, he didn't need anything else. But I think there's something more, he is the incarnation of love itself.
That's how days and months went by, our play getting better by the minute, I was successfully avoiding the Duke and finally. I was finally truly happy. It wasn't just happiness, it was bliss. Whenever I'd start to worry "what if this goes wrong, what if that happens" Christian would just kiss away all my worries, I would wrap myself in his warmth and life would be wonderful again. Life truly was wonderful with Christian in the world.
Soon enough Harry found out about us and when I got really sick one evening, Christian got jealous. I told him that we had to end it, that I would have to sleep with the Duke on opening night and that the jealousy would drive him mad. Do you know what he did then? He wrote a song for us and put it in the play. He made everything go away with a song. Our song, and he said, "no matter how bad things get, or whatever happens, whenever you hear it or when you sing it or whistle it or hum it, it will then you'll know it, it will mean--it'll mean we love one another."
Never knew I could feel like this Like I've never seen the sky before I want to vanish inside your kiss Every day I love you more and more Listen to my heart Can you hear it sing Telling me to give you everything Seasons may change Winter to spring But I love you until The end of time
[tears smearing the handwriting]
Come what may Come what may I will love you until my dying day Suddenly the world seems Such a perfect place Suddenly it moves with Such a perfect grace Suddenly my life Doesn't seem such a waste But our world revolves around you And there's no mountain too high No river too wide Sing out this song I'll be there by your side Storm clouds may gather And stars may collide But I love you until The end of time
We, of course, didn't end it, and the lovers' "secret song" made its way into the play. As we rehearsed it one day, the Duke got upset, not liking the ending and when he asked why the courtesan shouldn't choose the Maharajah who would provide a lifetime of security, Christian slipped and yelled, "Because she doesn't love YOU!!!" He quickly rectified, but it was too late, the cat was out of the bag. It wasn't really Christian's fault. Nini, another courtesan, had helped the Duke figure it out, but the way Christian defended me. No man had ever defended me, let alone in public. The Duke demanded the ending of the play to be altered with the courtesan choosing the Maharajah and without the lovers' secret song. But I couldn't let that happen. Not after we'd worked so hard on it and it was OUR play and OUR story. I didn't want some stupid duke to take it all away from us. I couldn't let him. I wouldn't.
I'd arranged to meet the Duke in the Tower that night - just like I had been ready to do anything to be a real actress not so long ago, I was ready to do anything to keep our ending - even sleep with that awful man. Christian told me not to sleep with him, but I said I HAD to keep our ending and reminded him - come what may.
I went to the Tower and everything was going according to plan, the Duke gave me a beautiful diamond necklace and then we were on the balcony, I was about to get it over and done with, when I spotted your daddy walking in the snow beneath the Tower, pleading with his eyes, just as he had on the day we'd met. I remembered our song and realized I couldn't do it. I couldn't betray Christian. I couldn't betray the only man who had ever cared for me. I couldn't throw away the love I had always wanted. I couldn't pretend anymore. I couldn't and I wouldn't. Then the Duke spotted Christian and was enraged that I'd picked the sitar player instead of him. He was such a superficial person who thought you could buy anything with money. But I knew I couldn't. Christian had taught me that.
The Duke tried to rape me, but Chocolat, the faithful Moulin Rouge bodyguard who took care of all us girls, came along, punched the Duke and took me to Christian's garret. I cried all the way there, and I was so happy to see Christian. I told him I couldn't do it, that I loved him too much. He comforted me and said we'd leave at once, together. When I asked about the show he said, not doubting his decision for a second, "I don't care about the show. We love each other and that's all that matters." He was willing to give up HIS show - his first piece that would get an audience, his first success, his whole career - because of me. And he would've given it all up if it hadn't been for - again, me.
I went to the elephant to get my things, but Harry was there. I told him we'd leave and that no one would stop us. He told me that the Duke would kill Christian, but I told him that we didn't care, we would run away where the Duke couldn't find us. I hated him for trying to stop me. Couldn't he see that I would finally fly away, that I would be happy?!! I yelled and screamed at him that I didn't need him anymore and that we would leave, no matter what. Tears started streaming down my face, Harry had never seen me cry, I wouldn't let him, but now I didn't care. I had Christian's love and that was all that mattered. That's the only thing that still matters now, apart from you.
I was about to leave when Harry said that I was dying. I was positive it was just another cheap trick, but Marie confirmed it. That's why I'd been feeling so dizzy and sick, and coughed all the time. Harry said I had to leave Christian so that the Duke wouldn't kill him. I knew Christian would fight for me, come what may. But Harry convinced me that I had to make Christian believe that I didn't love him. I had to hurt him in order to save him. I had no choice. I couldn't let Christian be in danger because of me, especially since I was dying. Harry said it all in one simple phrase - the show must go on. Damn the show and him, I thought! I couldn't believe this was happening to me. When I finally had all I wanted - my very own prince charming and the role of a lifetime - it all had to come crashing down on me.
With the heaviest heart in the world, I dragged myself to Christian's garret, and told him I didn't love him. I said that the Duke had come and offered me everything I had ever wanted, a lifetime of security and that's what mattered to me. I said it so matter-of-fact-ly and with such coldness that surprised me, this showed my real talent. I was able to tell the man I loved with every fiber of my being that I was leaving him because he was poor, and not even flinch, on the outside that is. Inside I was dying. I didn't even care that I was going to die for real, my soul was dead. My heart was breaking in two and all hope that had filled my body the last couple of months was gone. So was Christian's, I could see it in his eyes. Our hope seemed to fly out of the window like two white doves. I couldn't stand it anymore, when I said what I had to, I left, without turning back. If I had I would have run, run into his arms and never let go.
The next night was the premiere of OUR play - "Spectacular Spectacular". We were all there except for Christian. I was getting more frequent coughing fits, but I had to do this. I had to do the play for us, if it was the only time. I would do it, with OUR ending, the way WE were supposed to end.
But Christian came behind the stage, in between scenes. I could see the pain in his eyes, but there was also a glint of something else there. It was hope. I knew Christian would never lose his hope in love. NEVER! He yelled at me that he'd come to pay his whore. I knew he didn't really mean it, it was the pain and pride talking in him, but that didn't stop the words from stabbing at my heart like a knife. I told him to leave, but he wouldn't. We yelled and screamed like that repeating the same things over and over. The stage curtain then opened and the two of us were on stage. He repeated that he was there to pay me and thanked me for curing him of his ridiculous obsession with love. He walked off the stage towards the exit. As I watched after him, tears streaming down my face, Harry told me it was for the best and continued his lines from the play - the show must go on. His and his damn show!! My life wasn't a damn show! And my life would NOT go on without Christian! Because Christian WAS my life. Without Christian I had NOTHING!!!
As I stared at his back in despair I heard Toulouse yell, "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return!" That was the greatest thing Christian had taught me - that love was worth everything, even dying! I unsteadily started singing OUR secret song. I wanted him to know that even if he walked out that theater door I would love him, come what may, until my dying day. But he was Christian, he wouldn't leave me, he loved me too much. He turned around to look at me, he saw the tears in my eyes, as he joined me in our song, I knew that was it! That was what love overcoming all obstacles meant. Our love had overcome the biggest obstacle there was - our minds. We both did what we thought was best in our minds, not in our hearts. If we had only followed our hearts. If I had followed my heart, the last day wouldn't have happened. We'd be away from everyone, cherishing our every day. When I would be gone he'd have you, and me in his heart and I know that he would be able to live with that. But it was not meant to be.
Christian joined me on the stage and we sang our song until the curtain closed. In my heart and soul I was stronger than ever, but in my body I felt weak from the strenuous performance, I was dizzy and I couldn't stand anymore. Christian held me in his arms, telling me to hold on, that everything would be all right. Then I told him I was dying. But he wouldn't believe me. I told him he had to go on, that he had to write our story. I made him promise he'd write our story so that I would always be with him. And I will always be with him, in his heart. Even in death I will belong to him. I could see the pain and despair in his eyes. His eyes. They were the last I saw of your daddy. I have every part of his body carved in my mind, but nothing is so deeply engraved in my memory as his eyes. Those eyes, that even after all we had gone through, still had the innocence of a child and the beauty of his soul burning deep inside of him. But brightest of all burned his ever-strong and undying faith in love and in me.
[dried tears smearing the handwriting, bigger bloodstains than on the previous letter]
Your mommy who will ALWAYZ love you, I don't want you to EVER forget that, OK?!
[bloody fingerprints on the parts where Satine folded the letter and put it into an envelope]
A/N: I want to thank everyone who's reviewed and apologize for not putting chapter 2 up sooner. It's because by the time I went to check if anyone had read and reviewed my fanfic, I'd totally convinced myself that it sucked and that no one was gonna read it, since it wasn't Satine/Christian, so I didn't work on chapter 2 AT ALL. So when I saw the reviews I was over the moon. I mean it, I would've been over the moon even if I'd seen only one positive review - so thx you guys and hope you like this chapter. It's got more lovey-dovey stuff and it's more romantic. And it's longer, for obvious reasons. Tell me what you think, coz you guys said I should continue the story, you think I did OK?! As for Christian, be patient, his future will also come up in chapters to come. And NOT with another woman. I wouldn't do that to Satine, or Christian for that matter, because Satine is PERFECT! Here it goes.
EYES LIKE YOURS
~ by Alicia Jo Twain ~
PART 1 - LETTERS TO MY UNBORN CHILD
Chapter 2: THE PRESENT
June 3rd, 1900
My shining light.
It's been six months since the opening night of "Spectacular Spectacular". It's been six months since the final night of "Spectacular Spectacular". It's been six months since I've last seen Christian. It's been six months since he thought I'd died. It's been six months since I've been missing him. It's been six months since I thought I couldn't live without him. It's been six months since I found out you'd been growing inside of me. It's been six months since you've been giving me the strength to survive each day without him. It's been six months since I found out I was dying.
I think it's time I told you about your daddy. I don't want you to think that you were unwanted or that you were the result of some filthy affair for money. You are so much more. [more tears smearing the handwriting] You are the fruit of such a pure and beautiful love that I thought only existed in fairytales. But some fairytales do come true, if only for a little while. That's what Christian was to me - my very own fairytale. and you. you are my miracle.
How I met your daddy. The whole thing was quite funny, actually. I first spotted him at the Moulin Rouge, mistaking him for the Duke [handwriting getting rigid at the thought of that horrible man] who was keen to invest in the Moulin Rouge and its first play, that is, after a night with me. So when your daddy came to the elephant the very same night, I did all I could to seduce him, but he got all confused and it didn't seem like he'd go for the smoldering temptress that Harry had told me was his type. I pinned him to the bed and at once he pushed me back causing me to fall on the floor. He just turned around and looked at his feet. I was even more confused, but we needed an investor so once he started reciting some poetry, which was really odd as no man had EVER recited anything to me, let alone poetry, I thought it would turn him on and I started wailing and hitting the floor yelling, "Yes! Yes! This is what I want! Naughty words! More!" Thinking back, it all sounds quite pathetic, I must've scared the hell out of him. He was there, indeed, for a poetry reading. He had only been in town for one day and the Bohemians had already discovered his great talent - he became the voice of the children of the revolution. He believed in all the bohemian ideals - truth, beauty, freedom and above all things - love, most of which I knew nothing about. Well, maybe only the beauty part.
I kept distracting Christian with my wild yells, of which I am quite embarrassed now, but then all of a sudden he started singing. It was the most beautiful song I'd ever heard. I'll remember the words to it as long as I live - "I don't have much money, but, boy, if I did I'd buy a big house where we both could live..." - that's how it went. I thought he was just reciting some song he knew, because I thought he WAS the Duke and he COULD buy us a big house, y'know. But something in the way he sang it all seemed so real and sincere. My favorite part goes like this, "So excuse me forgetting but these things I do, you see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue, anyway the thing is, what I really mean. Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen." Well, the eye color part doesn't make much sense since he was looking into my eyes when he sang that, he must've thought of it while I was yelling and screaming. But the way he said it - he could've said I was as ugly as a frog and it would've still sounded wonderful. That is your daddy's greatest talent, he could make anything sound so wonderful that you'd wonder yourself what was so bad about it. He ended the song with, "I hope you don't mind that I put down in words, how wonderful life is now you're in the world!" Me? Mind? No sane woman would have minded being told something like that by a man. But he said that because he was so insecure, I'd yelled too much, I really was playing the role of a smoldering temptress, up until the eye color part - that just knocked me off my feet. The ending verse hit me deep into my heart. No one had ever told me that, except for my mom, and as I thought of her, and my promise, I regained my composure and determined to have the Duke invest in the play, I said, "Oh...I can't believe it. I'm in love. I'm in love with a young, handsome talented Duke." I didn't really mean it, of course, I had said it many a times, but this time it just came out, quite naturally. I reproached myself in my head that I couldn't fall in love, not even with a Duke. But then Christian said he wasn't the Duke and that sent another unstoppable set of dominos flying down, just waiting to crash. If he had been the Duke the next few months would've been so much easier, but nothing in life is easy, least of all something you care about. Any other man would've kept his mouth shut and would've just used me until he was found out, but not your daddy. That's why I love him so much. He is the best person I've ever met and will meet, despite the fact that I'm dying. The Duke showed up and Christian hid from place to place in the elephant, but it wasn't really catered to hide men, so I had to concentrate on keeping the Duke's back turned to Christian and he just walked behind his back. I didn't think about Christian then, all I could think about was him not getting caught or the real Duke would not invest. To draw his attention I started reciting "Your Song" - the very song Christian had just sang to me, he later told me I'd inspired him - then and there - that is enough proof of his talent and his love for me. Christian mouthed me through the recital, towards the end of which I was looking more at him than the Duke. At that very moment there was a small voice, deep inside, telling me that this was THE man I'd been waiting my whole life for. That he would enable me to fly, to fly far far away. with him. But being practical I just ignored the voice inside, only until later that night.
I still had to get rid of Christian so the Duke wouldn't see him, so I got the Duke on the bed with me, prepared to do anything just to get Christian out of there, including sleeping with him. But your daddy wouldn't leave! He just stood there, looking at me, the Duke on top of me, pleading me with the most innocent aqua green eyes I'd ever seen, not to sleep with the Duke. I could see the despair in his eyes, but also determination that he wouldn't leave unless the Duke did so first. So I told the Duke that we would wait until opening night and practically shoved him out of the elephant. At once, Christian's expression changed to a very satisfied grin. I was so furious with him and reproached him for what he could have caused. But I was so tired and felt faint, and the next thing I remember is lying on the bed with Christian shaking me, and the Duke staring at us as if I'd betrayed him. Christian was speechless and it was up to me fix things. I introduced Christian as the writer of the play "Spectacular Spectacular" that he was about to invest in. I lied that he'd filled me with such inspiration that I'd called an emergency rehearsal. The Duke was quite skeptic, but out of nowhere the Bohemians appeared, I later found out they were kind of spying on us, and so did Harry, and as the minutes went by the Duke was more and more convinced that we were telling the truth. He asked what the story was. None of us had any idea, basically because the show did not exist, but since the Duke was to invest, we needed a story, any story. We left it all to Christian and at that very moment he thought up the whole story. He said it was about love, about a love overcoming all obstacles. The plot went like this: There was a Hindu courtesan, the most beautiful courtesan in all the world, but her kingdom was invaded by an evil Maharaja. Now, in order to save her kingdom, she had to seduce the evil Maharaja. But on the night of the seduction, she mistook a penniless sitar player for the evil Maharaja and she fell in love with him. As Christian was saying all this I kind of figured out that this plot wasn't all that original - it was what had just happened before this "emergency rehearsal". I was the Hindu courtesan who had to seduce the evil Maharajah so he would invest, but I mistake the penniless sitar player for the Maharajah. Christian continued that the sitar player wasn't trying to trick the courtesan, then he gave me the most adorable I'm-sorry look that I just started thinking that maybe he wasn't all that bad. He hadn't meant to trick me, like all the other men had.
We continued to deceive the Duke about the play: The sitar player and the courtesan had to hide their love. As more obstacles came along they're pulled apart by an evil plan. I had been watching and thinking about Christian most of the time and I thought of his song for me, I thought it fit perfectly in the story. The two lovers were brought together after she heard his song and they realized their love is just too strong. Christian and I locked gazes and I was left speechless again - he had a way of doing that, surprising you all the time. Convincing him the play would be a great success, Zidler even promising returns were fixed at 10%, the Duke agreed to invest.
As I was left alone in the elephant, I thought about Christian and all he'd said. He represented the life I'd had before I came to the Moulin Rouge. He was poor, but he still had dreams. Dreams and faith in love, that it conquered all. That life could be a fairytale if you wanted it to. He was a penniless poet but that didn't seem to bother him in the least, all he wanted to do was write, write about truth, beauty, freedom and above all - love. As I thought about that I remembered my mother and all of a sudden felt this strong feeling of nostalgia. It made me want to scream, cry and die all at once. Somehow Christian had brought all my memories into the present, all the dreams I once used to believe in. To scare away all these sad feelings I started singing my favorite song, which always cheered me up.
When will I begin to live again?
One day I'll fly away!
Leave all this to yesterday...
What more could your love do for me?
When will love be through with me?
Why live life from dream to dream and dread the day when dreaming ends?
I'd stopped believing in the lyrics of it long ago, it's not like I would ever fly away, but it still comforted me to dream about another kind of life. I had been living my life from dream to dream - whenever I was on the trapeze I'd imagine I was an actress playing a part with the audience clapping and cheering for me, as an actress, not as a courtesan. When I had to be with all those horrible men, my consciousness would fly away into another world and the men would spend the night with a talking corpse, not with me. But as one dream ended and another began I dreaded the thought that some day all the dreams would be gone, I would have used them all up, and what would I do then?! But that didn't happen, thanks to your daddy.
I went up on the elephant to sing my song. I needed to get all the rage and sorrow out, so I could continue. I had a real role now. I would be an actress! When I'd sung all I had in me, I was surprised to find Christian standing behind me. He thanked me for helping him get the job and then he asked me if I'd really meant what I'd said, about falling in love with him. My heart started beating faster, but I just coldly said that it was all an act. He lowered his head and I felt so sorry for him, so I added that I couldn't fall in love with anyone, which was true. He looked at me, his eyes wide open, shocked at the thought that I couldn't fall in love at all. He acted as if I'd just told him that I was a vampire. To him not being able to love WAS like being a vampire. He didn't believe a human being could live without love. And he was right. Christian then started convincing me that we I needed love, that it was like oxygen. I'd believed all that a long time ago, but not anymore, I couldn't afford to. I kept bringing him down from the clouds by saying that love doesn't feed you, or clothe you or provide shelter. But every time, he'd just climb higher and higher into his dreams. His faith in love was incredible. No matter what I said he always had something back to say. I firmly believe he'd say that if there was love, a romance between a cat and a mouse could totally work out.
Christian jumped onto the top of the elephant singing, "Love lifts us up where we belong!" My heart raced even faster, I yelled at him to get down, but love certainly did lift him up, because he could've simply fallen down to the ground and broken his neck. But he was above all that. His belief in love was as strong as the angels' belief in God, and he hadn't even fully experienced it yet. I continued to answer back pessimistically to all his optimistic verses, when all my insides were screaming at me to tell him that I'd fallen in love with him! I'd finally admitted it to myself, it's not like I had any other choice. But my head was screaming back at my heart to shut up, that I was a courtesan, that I couldn't fall in love. While this war raged inside of me, Christian continued his love talk and when he sang, "We can be heroes! Just for one day..." I knew it was over. I knew I couldn't keep my feelings to myself, and besides I wanted us to be heroes. I'd been a coward most of my life, if love could turn me into a hero, it wasn't as bad as I'd been told it was by the creatures from the underworld. And there was Christian. I wouldn't give him up! I couldn't.
I teased him a couple of verses longer, pretending not to believe his love song. But he knew. He later told me he saw a twinkle in my eye, and he knew he'd won me over. But it wasn't really him who'd won me over, it was LOVE! His love! All of a sudden our surroundings changed and we were flying. Flying to different worlds, where the Moulin Rouge meant nothing, where I wasn't a courtesan and he wasn't a penniless poet, where we were just two people in love. Nothing more, nothing less. I was finally free. Free to fly. It's like nothing else mattered, we were alone in the world. Alone and free to do as we may, to love one another, without the rest of the world getting in our way. It was the most exhilarating feeling I'd ever felt.
From then on everything else seemed easy in comparison to my previous life at the Moulin Rouge. Christian and I spent every free moment together. In the mornings we would all rehearse, although everyone was watching and we had to hide our love, just the knowledge that he was near was enough to go through one rehearsal and the next. But as he was the writer and I was the lead actress it wasn't strange that we would spend the afternoons up in the elephant "rehearsing". The nights we spent mostly in his garret loving each other. We cherished every minute we had, because the sun seemed to sneak up on us much too soon. I would doze off at dawn but Christian would stay up to work on the script. I honestly don't know when he slept. When I told him to work on the script later and to get some sleep or he wouldn't get through the day he said that he loved watching me sleep. That I looked so innocent and peaceful and that I was his Muse and just by watching me he knew what to write. That when I was near he didn't need anything else, not even sleep. That was the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me. I was still a little worried so I told him how I longed to wake up every morning with him next to me, so he said that he'd work on the script for an hour and then get some sleep next to me. From the day I'd said that there was not a morning I did not wake up in his arms. That was the best beginning of the day I could ever have hoped for. But I do have a feeling that sometimes he'd see me stir a little before we were due in for rehearsal, and snuggle next to me pretending he'd been sleeping. I suspected that because some days he would have endless pages of written script while other days a normal amount of them. I didn't say anything of course, but day after day that made me love him even more. If that was at all possible. If that's what he really did, he didn't show it. He was always ready for rehearsals, he'd sometimes even call extra rehearsals if he wasn't happy with a scene. There was nothing to indicate he wasn't getting enough sleep, barely any sleep actually. Can you believe I have never, since I've met him, seen him yawn. I guess it's like he told me, he lived on love, he didn't need anything else. But I think there's something more, he is the incarnation of love itself.
That's how days and months went by, our play getting better by the minute, I was successfully avoiding the Duke and finally. I was finally truly happy. It wasn't just happiness, it was bliss. Whenever I'd start to worry "what if this goes wrong, what if that happens" Christian would just kiss away all my worries, I would wrap myself in his warmth and life would be wonderful again. Life truly was wonderful with Christian in the world.
Soon enough Harry found out about us and when I got really sick one evening, Christian got jealous. I told him that we had to end it, that I would have to sleep with the Duke on opening night and that the jealousy would drive him mad. Do you know what he did then? He wrote a song for us and put it in the play. He made everything go away with a song. Our song, and he said, "no matter how bad things get, or whatever happens, whenever you hear it or when you sing it or whistle it or hum it, it will then you'll know it, it will mean--it'll mean we love one another."
Never knew I could feel like this Like I've never seen the sky before I want to vanish inside your kiss Every day I love you more and more Listen to my heart Can you hear it sing Telling me to give you everything Seasons may change Winter to spring But I love you until The end of time
[tears smearing the handwriting]
Come what may Come what may I will love you until my dying day Suddenly the world seems Such a perfect place Suddenly it moves with Such a perfect grace Suddenly my life Doesn't seem such a waste But our world revolves around you And there's no mountain too high No river too wide Sing out this song I'll be there by your side Storm clouds may gather And stars may collide But I love you until The end of time
We, of course, didn't end it, and the lovers' "secret song" made its way into the play. As we rehearsed it one day, the Duke got upset, not liking the ending and when he asked why the courtesan shouldn't choose the Maharajah who would provide a lifetime of security, Christian slipped and yelled, "Because she doesn't love YOU!!!" He quickly rectified, but it was too late, the cat was out of the bag. It wasn't really Christian's fault. Nini, another courtesan, had helped the Duke figure it out, but the way Christian defended me. No man had ever defended me, let alone in public. The Duke demanded the ending of the play to be altered with the courtesan choosing the Maharajah and without the lovers' secret song. But I couldn't let that happen. Not after we'd worked so hard on it and it was OUR play and OUR story. I didn't want some stupid duke to take it all away from us. I couldn't let him. I wouldn't.
I'd arranged to meet the Duke in the Tower that night - just like I had been ready to do anything to be a real actress not so long ago, I was ready to do anything to keep our ending - even sleep with that awful man. Christian told me not to sleep with him, but I said I HAD to keep our ending and reminded him - come what may.
I went to the Tower and everything was going according to plan, the Duke gave me a beautiful diamond necklace and then we were on the balcony, I was about to get it over and done with, when I spotted your daddy walking in the snow beneath the Tower, pleading with his eyes, just as he had on the day we'd met. I remembered our song and realized I couldn't do it. I couldn't betray Christian. I couldn't betray the only man who had ever cared for me. I couldn't throw away the love I had always wanted. I couldn't pretend anymore. I couldn't and I wouldn't. Then the Duke spotted Christian and was enraged that I'd picked the sitar player instead of him. He was such a superficial person who thought you could buy anything with money. But I knew I couldn't. Christian had taught me that.
The Duke tried to rape me, but Chocolat, the faithful Moulin Rouge bodyguard who took care of all us girls, came along, punched the Duke and took me to Christian's garret. I cried all the way there, and I was so happy to see Christian. I told him I couldn't do it, that I loved him too much. He comforted me and said we'd leave at once, together. When I asked about the show he said, not doubting his decision for a second, "I don't care about the show. We love each other and that's all that matters." He was willing to give up HIS show - his first piece that would get an audience, his first success, his whole career - because of me. And he would've given it all up if it hadn't been for - again, me.
I went to the elephant to get my things, but Harry was there. I told him we'd leave and that no one would stop us. He told me that the Duke would kill Christian, but I told him that we didn't care, we would run away where the Duke couldn't find us. I hated him for trying to stop me. Couldn't he see that I would finally fly away, that I would be happy?!! I yelled and screamed at him that I didn't need him anymore and that we would leave, no matter what. Tears started streaming down my face, Harry had never seen me cry, I wouldn't let him, but now I didn't care. I had Christian's love and that was all that mattered. That's the only thing that still matters now, apart from you.
I was about to leave when Harry said that I was dying. I was positive it was just another cheap trick, but Marie confirmed it. That's why I'd been feeling so dizzy and sick, and coughed all the time. Harry said I had to leave Christian so that the Duke wouldn't kill him. I knew Christian would fight for me, come what may. But Harry convinced me that I had to make Christian believe that I didn't love him. I had to hurt him in order to save him. I had no choice. I couldn't let Christian be in danger because of me, especially since I was dying. Harry said it all in one simple phrase - the show must go on. Damn the show and him, I thought! I couldn't believe this was happening to me. When I finally had all I wanted - my very own prince charming and the role of a lifetime - it all had to come crashing down on me.
With the heaviest heart in the world, I dragged myself to Christian's garret, and told him I didn't love him. I said that the Duke had come and offered me everything I had ever wanted, a lifetime of security and that's what mattered to me. I said it so matter-of-fact-ly and with such coldness that surprised me, this showed my real talent. I was able to tell the man I loved with every fiber of my being that I was leaving him because he was poor, and not even flinch, on the outside that is. Inside I was dying. I didn't even care that I was going to die for real, my soul was dead. My heart was breaking in two and all hope that had filled my body the last couple of months was gone. So was Christian's, I could see it in his eyes. Our hope seemed to fly out of the window like two white doves. I couldn't stand it anymore, when I said what I had to, I left, without turning back. If I had I would have run, run into his arms and never let go.
The next night was the premiere of OUR play - "Spectacular Spectacular". We were all there except for Christian. I was getting more frequent coughing fits, but I had to do this. I had to do the play for us, if it was the only time. I would do it, with OUR ending, the way WE were supposed to end.
But Christian came behind the stage, in between scenes. I could see the pain in his eyes, but there was also a glint of something else there. It was hope. I knew Christian would never lose his hope in love. NEVER! He yelled at me that he'd come to pay his whore. I knew he didn't really mean it, it was the pain and pride talking in him, but that didn't stop the words from stabbing at my heart like a knife. I told him to leave, but he wouldn't. We yelled and screamed like that repeating the same things over and over. The stage curtain then opened and the two of us were on stage. He repeated that he was there to pay me and thanked me for curing him of his ridiculous obsession with love. He walked off the stage towards the exit. As I watched after him, tears streaming down my face, Harry told me it was for the best and continued his lines from the play - the show must go on. His and his damn show!! My life wasn't a damn show! And my life would NOT go on without Christian! Because Christian WAS my life. Without Christian I had NOTHING!!!
As I stared at his back in despair I heard Toulouse yell, "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return!" That was the greatest thing Christian had taught me - that love was worth everything, even dying! I unsteadily started singing OUR secret song. I wanted him to know that even if he walked out that theater door I would love him, come what may, until my dying day. But he was Christian, he wouldn't leave me, he loved me too much. He turned around to look at me, he saw the tears in my eyes, as he joined me in our song, I knew that was it! That was what love overcoming all obstacles meant. Our love had overcome the biggest obstacle there was - our minds. We both did what we thought was best in our minds, not in our hearts. If we had only followed our hearts. If I had followed my heart, the last day wouldn't have happened. We'd be away from everyone, cherishing our every day. When I would be gone he'd have you, and me in his heart and I know that he would be able to live with that. But it was not meant to be.
Christian joined me on the stage and we sang our song until the curtain closed. In my heart and soul I was stronger than ever, but in my body I felt weak from the strenuous performance, I was dizzy and I couldn't stand anymore. Christian held me in his arms, telling me to hold on, that everything would be all right. Then I told him I was dying. But he wouldn't believe me. I told him he had to go on, that he had to write our story. I made him promise he'd write our story so that I would always be with him. And I will always be with him, in his heart. Even in death I will belong to him. I could see the pain and despair in his eyes. His eyes. They were the last I saw of your daddy. I have every part of his body carved in my mind, but nothing is so deeply engraved in my memory as his eyes. Those eyes, that even after all we had gone through, still had the innocence of a child and the beauty of his soul burning deep inside of him. But brightest of all burned his ever-strong and undying faith in love and in me.
[dried tears smearing the handwriting, bigger bloodstains than on the previous letter]
Your mommy who will ALWAYZ love you, I don't want you to EVER forget that, OK?!
[bloody fingerprints on the parts where Satine folded the letter and put it into an envelope]