Disclaimer: All the Moulin Rouge characters belong to Baz Luhrmann and
Craig Pierce.
A/N: I kept reading other people's A/N saying how their stories just evolved and I'd be like, "How??" Well it has finally happened to me. This chapter was supposed to be solely about the baby's future, but as you will read on it evolved, quite unnecessarily, but then I thought why cut it out if it wasn't that bad, so I left everything.
I want to thank you guys for reviewing, even one review makes me bloody happy! I am definitely gonna have the kid find Christian, and I was already thinking of writing sth from the kid's point of view, so now I will thx to Xena and Swimmin.
TheLark - thx for continuing to read and Christian WILL come up, he'll just have to wait a bit. I mean the kid has to be born still - hopefully this chapter will give you more insight as to what will happen in the future.
Hope you like the kid's name and Thx again for reviewing everyone :o)
EYES LIKE YOURS
~ by Alicia Jo Twain ~
PART 1 - LETTERS TO MY UNBORN CHILD
Chapter 2: YOUR FUTURE
August 21st, 1900
Dear Christina...
My belly's already grown big enough and I'll be coming to term soon, which means that you'll be seeing the light of day in a little while. You've been kicking more than ever these past few days, which means that you are already strong enough and you don't know what joy it brings me. To any mother actually, but to me especially, since I am so weak. Yesterday I dreamt that I had given birth to a beautiful healthy baby girl, but I had died in childbirth. I am positive that was a message from God to get my affairs in order. I know I won't be around to see you grow and raise you, but I know you are going to be all right. It was meant to be like this - my lifestyle had to take it's toll somewhere, I'm just glad it's me and not you. I don't want you to feel guilty for my death. I would give my life for you any day, so you just take care of yourself and know that I'll be watching from above. I've picked out a name for you - Christina - after your daddy of course.
This is probably the last letter I'll be writing you. My consumption is getting worse day by day. [bloodstains on the stationary] I am coughing more blood than before. I am feeling quite weak, I can hardly move. The doctor has instructed me to stay in bed till I come to term or I might risk your heath. You're already too big, for me to miscarry, but a high percentage of women in Paris give birth to dead babies, because they don't take care of themselves and I have no intention of doing that. I only get up to go to the bathroom, which is quite often, mind you. All together I've been stuck in the elephant for almost 8 months now. Apart from eating and sleeping, and writing these letters, I spend all of my time reading.
Yes, reading! Saying it out loud still sounds strange as I never used to read before. I wasn't literate when I came to the Moulin Rouge but Harry told me that I'd at least have to learn to read and write if I wanted to become a real actress. It's not like he really cared about me becoming an actress, but as I'd repeated it to him so many times, I guess he didn't see any harm in it. He got one of the other courtesans to teach me. Most courtesans are illiterate coming from the streets, but the one that taught me was different. Her name was Emma. She used to be a girl from the upper social class - rich, educated, manipulated and taught to smile all the time. Her father wanted to marry her off to a rich old man, but she had fallen in love with her horse-riding instructor and was determined to marry for love. Emma's father forbid her to see him and fired him, but they eloped and never looked back. The money they had soon ran out and they both tried to find jobs, but there weren't any. They found shelter in the poorer part of town. For a year they survived on the streets as best they could, but they were all right, she said. They kept going because they were together, that was all they had ever wanted. Emma told me that was the best year of her life. But one day, searching for food, as usual, they found some money in a trash can - it wasn't much, but enough to provide food for a couple of days. The other street beggars saw him with the money and threw themselves on him. They all grabbed for it, hitting each other, fighting, pushing, etc... Emma tried to get to her husband, but there were just too many of them. They'd managed to get all the money and ran away. Her husband was left lying on the street, with blood trickling around his head and face.
He was dead and Emma was lost. She had lost the love of her life and she had no reason to live. She didn't want to stay on the street anymore, without him it was all unbearable. She went back to her family, not asking them to take her back, for she knew her father had disowned her, but to ask her mother to help her find a job somewhere. Her mother didn't even talk to her but turned away from her. All her old friends pretended not to know her. She was all alone.
Emma had decided to take her life and headed towards the river Seine. But as fate would have it, before she reached her destination, Harry found her. Just like he'd found me. He took her off the streets and the rest is history. She was very popular in her time, but when I met her she was already hitting 35 and the men wanted younger flesh. Harry didn't know quite what to do with her - most of his courtesans died by the age of 30. Emma didn't because she had lived the first 15 years of her life healthily, so the toll of a courtesan's life was a little delayed in her case. And so she became my teacher. Each day after dance rehearsals Emma would come to the elephant and teach me. At first it all went very slow, but I kept thinking of how I would read real scripts to act out and my dream made me strive harder. Emma was very pleased with me and told me that she had always wanted to be a teacher, but her father kept telling her that rich ladies don't work. So it was her dream coming true, although in somewhat different circumstances. Little by little we got to know each other, she was the only touch of humanity I felt in the Moulin Rouge. So one day she told me her story. I remember asking her if she regretted anything she'd done, and without even flinching she shook her head. She said it had all been worth it - even if it was only one year of marriage. I was very surprised by her answer but she told me that love is worth everything. By then I had already become very cynical towards anything to do with love, but she told me that I would remember her words when I fell in love. I just shook my head in denial. She only smiled.
I'd finally started reading at a normal pace, almost like Emma's and I could write the basics. I was no poet, but it was good enough. For a courtesan, anyway. Soon after that Emma developed pneumonia, from a drafty room. Harry kept forgetting to fix her window (or so he said), and she died soon afterwards. I was devastated. I hadn't even realized I'd gotten so attached to her. I vowed I would never care for another human being like I did with Emma, because in these circumstances everyone was bound to die sooner or later, probably sooner than later. First my mom left me, and then Emma and I just couldn't stand it anymore. I locked my heart and threw away the key.
I put all her books in a trunk and never opened it until a year ago when I met your daddy. It was too hard, every book reminded me of her, and I'd come to think of her as how my mother would be if she hadn't died. But when Christian came into my life I remembered what she'd told me, that love was worth everything. For the first time I opened the trunk and all the memories came back. When I'd told Christian about Emma he said that she was a very smart woman. He told me that it was a shame I'd given up on reading. That after love, books were the most wonderful thing in the world. He'd told me that he'd learned all he knew from books. Then I remembered that Emma had said something like that, but I'd just shrugged it off. He'd told me I had to start reading books. We kept planning to but we would either be working on the play or we would get carried away - there wasn't much time in between.
So before I die I want to do something for him, so he knows I never dismissed anything he'd said. That's why I'm reading all the books I never got to read before. Most of Emma's books Christian had highly recommended. He was astonished with her book collection. I remember that Emma would spend ALL her money on books. The Moulin Rouge provided enough food, clothes and shelter, and a share of the money one earned was one's to spend. I spent it on catering the elephant, chocolate and little trinkets, while she always said that the only thing she needed were books. That's how she lived. She spent her every free moment reading, even when she was still working as a courtesan. Most of the books were in bad condition as she'd bought them at second-hand shops, but there was such a variety of them. Only a well-bred lady could've picked out the real classics. Christian said so.
Emma's books opened up this whole other world for me that I never knew existed. So far I've read about 50 books - I just devour them - it's not like I have anything better to do. Austen, Alcott and the Bronte sisters are just amazing. My favorite books are by them. Before I saw their first names I would never have guessed that women write books. All I've ever known of women to be are courtesans, governesses or wives - depending on how much money they had. I wasn't even aware that women were allowed to write! That just goes to show the world I live in.
I'm sorry, I got a little carried away, it's just that now I realize how much tougher Emma's life was because she knew what was out there and she had so much potential. She could've been the best teacher in the world! Instead she had to waste her life off being a courtesan because of her proud parents.
Anyway, you're probably wondering what happened after "Spectacular Spectacular". So after fainting in Christian's arms the next thing I remember is waking up in the elephant on my bed coughing. Marie was standing over me, changing the wet cloth on my forehead. I asked her how long I'd been sleeping and where Christian was. I mentioned that I felt very weak, that my head hurt and that I was cold. Marie just told me to rest. My eyelids were just too heavy and I must've fallen asleep again.
The next time I awoke it was pouring rain and Marie was still there, next to me, with a bowl of cold water on my nightstand. I was stronger than the last time I'd awoken and I was famished so I sat up and asked for some food. As I ate she filled me in on what had happened while I'd slept, after I demanded to know where Christian was. Marie said it had been 5 days since "Spectacular Spectacular" and that I'd been coming in out of consciousness since then. She said that everyone thought I was dead after fainting after the show and that Christian had cried and cried, not wanting to leave me. But the Duke had come back with another gun and threatened to kill him. Christian wouldn't leave but Harry convinced him to, that I wouldn't have wanted him to die by the Duke's hand. He was still inconsolable, but thinking of me, he was helped out of the Moulin Rouge. They hadn't heard from him since. When I heard all that I was furious!!! How could they make Christian leave like that?!! I wasn't dead, not yet, anyway. And that hateful Duke!! Arghhhh!!! Marie said that he had tried to take me to the Tower, but Harry said that I was a creature of the underworld, that I belonged to the Moulin Rouge. The Duke said he owned the nightclub, which meant he owned me. But Chocolat wrestled with him and the gun went off, killing the Duke. Probably the only good thing that happened after the premiere.
I told Marie that I would find Christian somehow. I removed the covers and tried to stand up but I felt faint and had to lie back down. Marie said I needed rest and that the doctor was just about to arrive. He did and asked me how I was feeling. I told him I was OK, but that I felt a bit faint and nauseated and that I was still hungry even tho I'd just eaten. He looked at me strangely and said that those weren't consumption symptoms. Then he checked me over, feeling my pulse, listening to my heart and all that doctor stuff. He said, "I don't know if this is right, but is it possible that you are pregnant?" I was shocked!! I just stared at him, not believing what he'd just said. He repeated the question and I stammered, "It is possible, but unlikely..." He asked why and I told him that in all my years as a courtesan I'd never gotten pregnant, that I was always careful. When he asked if I'd been careful lately I thought back to all the nights at Christian's and at that time, not getting pregnant was the last thing on my mind. As I didn't answer he asked me about my period. I told him that it had been late for a while, but that I'd attributed it to work stress and a VERY busy schedule. He told me that as far as he could tell - I was pregnant and nothing I could do would change that, except- I quickly put my hand over his mouth so he wouldn't even say it! I asked him what the chances of me having you were, with my consumption and everything. He said it was very risky and that I had to spend the rest of the pregnancy in bed and pray that the consumption wouldn't take me before I had you. That put a big smile on my face. So it was possible that I would finally have a child of my own, and Christian's child no less!! When the doctor left I got quite hysterical, hugging Marie and you in my still very flat stomach. Chocolat came to check up on me and I hugged him, thanking him for all he had done for me. He smiled at me and whispered in my ear, "You know you'll always be my favorite."
I was Harry and Chocolat's favorite ever since I'd come to the Moulin Rouge but for completely different reasons. Harry liked me best because I brought in the most money, but Chocolat really loved me - he'd come to the Moulin Rouge only a year before me and we practically grew up together. He was the brother I never had. He always looked out for me, much more than his job demanded.
When I told him I was pregnant he was possibly even happier than me! He said he'd be the best uncle in the world. I don't doubt that for a second. Then Harry came and asked when I'd be up and about. It was probably his way of hiding the pain of losing me bit by bit. He knew I'd be gone soon. When I told him I was pregnant he gave me a weak smile asking if the doctor had said whether I'd carry you to term. I got upset and yelled at him how he could even say a thing like that and told him that I wouldn't lift a finger from now on. That the doctor had said that I had to rest and not move at all, that I'd have you no matter what, that he and the Moulin Rouge could go to hell, that I'd paid my debt. Marie told me to calm down, that it wasn't good for me, so I lay back, breathing heavily. Harry came next to the bed, kneeled on the floor and said he was sorry, that he's always wanted only the best for me, and that you would be born and be as beautiful as your mother. I was tired and said it was OK, but that I really wanted to have you and that he was going to have to support me. He agreed and said I could count on him unconditionally. I wouldn't really have said it that way, but that was Harry.
Chocolat told me he'd already looked for Christian but it was too late. Some people said they saw him buy a ticket for America a day after he thought I'd died. I couldn't reach him anymore.
So now as I read all these books I think of Emma and remember her words. Now, just as Emma had said, I can say that it was all worth it. Losing my mother so early on, life on the streets, life as a courtesan, even this consumption - all worth it - to have met your daddy and to have you now. I wouldn't take anything back. This was the way it was meant to be. Even tho I'm dying I have faith that God will give me strength to live till the day you are born. Faith and hope are the only things keeping me alive - faith in Christian's love and hope for your own life, because I know you will do what I never could - fly away. Fly away and leave the past to yesterday. You have Christian's blood running through your veins and I know you'll have his strength and belief that the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. I wasn't strong enough to leave on my own, but you will. You have to find your daddy when you grow up. He has to know about you!
You are so different from me, you will make it, I'm sure of it!! All I'd ever known were the streets and the Moulin Rouge. Not much of a choice, but then your daddy came and he breathed fresh air into my lungs. Air full of strength and belief in the good things in life - truth, beauty, freedom and above all - love. Air so unlike the one in the underworld which I had been breathing for much too long, air polluted with impure thoughts, men's lustful desires and the women's imprisonment in a man's world. When you've been breathing polluted air for as many years as I have, you forget the smell and taste of fresh air and it doesn't matter what you do anymore, what's right and what's wrong. There's just what you have to do to survive, the words "right" and "wrong" don't exist in the underworld. That's what Harry taught me the very first day I stepped foot into the Moulin Rouge, the first day of the end, and at the same time the beginning, of my life.
When I met your father there was only Satine in body. Satine in soul was dead. The Moulin Rouge had killed it, or so I'd thought. But Christian was the hand, and his simple and honest words were the key that reached deep into me and unlocked my heart and soul. I was alive again! The real me! The girl who had once believed in fairytales, waiting to be rescued from her miserable existence by her very own prince charming. But then Harry came along. He wasn't exactly prince charming, but then and there, he was the next best thing.
Oh- you just kicked!
Anyway, this is my story, just as it happened. I don't want anyone deceiving you about your mom. I'm not saint, but I don't want you to be ashamed of me. Don't believe that you're a bastard child when someone calls you that, as they're bound to. Just remember that I want to have you more than anything in this world, and I know Christian would say the same. I'm sorry that I can't leave you in better surroundings than the Moulin Rouge, but you have Chocolat, who I know will take care of you, like he took care of me, and you have Marie, who's been the grandma I never had - you won't believe how she can fuss over a person she loves. She's the best. They'll take care of you, as best as they can, until you are old enough to read these letters and go look for your father, because I know he'll welcome you with more than open arms.
Here's where my story ends and yours begins. Remember that I'll be watching over you ALL the time and know that I'll always be proud of you, but most of all - remember that I will love you until the end of time. Just like I will love your daddy.
Your mommy Satine
A/N: I kept reading other people's A/N saying how their stories just evolved and I'd be like, "How??" Well it has finally happened to me. This chapter was supposed to be solely about the baby's future, but as you will read on it evolved, quite unnecessarily, but then I thought why cut it out if it wasn't that bad, so I left everything.
I want to thank you guys for reviewing, even one review makes me bloody happy! I am definitely gonna have the kid find Christian, and I was already thinking of writing sth from the kid's point of view, so now I will thx to Xena and Swimmin.
TheLark - thx for continuing to read and Christian WILL come up, he'll just have to wait a bit. I mean the kid has to be born still - hopefully this chapter will give you more insight as to what will happen in the future.
Hope you like the kid's name and Thx again for reviewing everyone :o)
EYES LIKE YOURS
~ by Alicia Jo Twain ~
PART 1 - LETTERS TO MY UNBORN CHILD
Chapter 2: YOUR FUTURE
August 21st, 1900
Dear Christina...
My belly's already grown big enough and I'll be coming to term soon, which means that you'll be seeing the light of day in a little while. You've been kicking more than ever these past few days, which means that you are already strong enough and you don't know what joy it brings me. To any mother actually, but to me especially, since I am so weak. Yesterday I dreamt that I had given birth to a beautiful healthy baby girl, but I had died in childbirth. I am positive that was a message from God to get my affairs in order. I know I won't be around to see you grow and raise you, but I know you are going to be all right. It was meant to be like this - my lifestyle had to take it's toll somewhere, I'm just glad it's me and not you. I don't want you to feel guilty for my death. I would give my life for you any day, so you just take care of yourself and know that I'll be watching from above. I've picked out a name for you - Christina - after your daddy of course.
This is probably the last letter I'll be writing you. My consumption is getting worse day by day. [bloodstains on the stationary] I am coughing more blood than before. I am feeling quite weak, I can hardly move. The doctor has instructed me to stay in bed till I come to term or I might risk your heath. You're already too big, for me to miscarry, but a high percentage of women in Paris give birth to dead babies, because they don't take care of themselves and I have no intention of doing that. I only get up to go to the bathroom, which is quite often, mind you. All together I've been stuck in the elephant for almost 8 months now. Apart from eating and sleeping, and writing these letters, I spend all of my time reading.
Yes, reading! Saying it out loud still sounds strange as I never used to read before. I wasn't literate when I came to the Moulin Rouge but Harry told me that I'd at least have to learn to read and write if I wanted to become a real actress. It's not like he really cared about me becoming an actress, but as I'd repeated it to him so many times, I guess he didn't see any harm in it. He got one of the other courtesans to teach me. Most courtesans are illiterate coming from the streets, but the one that taught me was different. Her name was Emma. She used to be a girl from the upper social class - rich, educated, manipulated and taught to smile all the time. Her father wanted to marry her off to a rich old man, but she had fallen in love with her horse-riding instructor and was determined to marry for love. Emma's father forbid her to see him and fired him, but they eloped and never looked back. The money they had soon ran out and they both tried to find jobs, but there weren't any. They found shelter in the poorer part of town. For a year they survived on the streets as best they could, but they were all right, she said. They kept going because they were together, that was all they had ever wanted. Emma told me that was the best year of her life. But one day, searching for food, as usual, they found some money in a trash can - it wasn't much, but enough to provide food for a couple of days. The other street beggars saw him with the money and threw themselves on him. They all grabbed for it, hitting each other, fighting, pushing, etc... Emma tried to get to her husband, but there were just too many of them. They'd managed to get all the money and ran away. Her husband was left lying on the street, with blood trickling around his head and face.
He was dead and Emma was lost. She had lost the love of her life and she had no reason to live. She didn't want to stay on the street anymore, without him it was all unbearable. She went back to her family, not asking them to take her back, for she knew her father had disowned her, but to ask her mother to help her find a job somewhere. Her mother didn't even talk to her but turned away from her. All her old friends pretended not to know her. She was all alone.
Emma had decided to take her life and headed towards the river Seine. But as fate would have it, before she reached her destination, Harry found her. Just like he'd found me. He took her off the streets and the rest is history. She was very popular in her time, but when I met her she was already hitting 35 and the men wanted younger flesh. Harry didn't know quite what to do with her - most of his courtesans died by the age of 30. Emma didn't because she had lived the first 15 years of her life healthily, so the toll of a courtesan's life was a little delayed in her case. And so she became my teacher. Each day after dance rehearsals Emma would come to the elephant and teach me. At first it all went very slow, but I kept thinking of how I would read real scripts to act out and my dream made me strive harder. Emma was very pleased with me and told me that she had always wanted to be a teacher, but her father kept telling her that rich ladies don't work. So it was her dream coming true, although in somewhat different circumstances. Little by little we got to know each other, she was the only touch of humanity I felt in the Moulin Rouge. So one day she told me her story. I remember asking her if she regretted anything she'd done, and without even flinching she shook her head. She said it had all been worth it - even if it was only one year of marriage. I was very surprised by her answer but she told me that love is worth everything. By then I had already become very cynical towards anything to do with love, but she told me that I would remember her words when I fell in love. I just shook my head in denial. She only smiled.
I'd finally started reading at a normal pace, almost like Emma's and I could write the basics. I was no poet, but it was good enough. For a courtesan, anyway. Soon after that Emma developed pneumonia, from a drafty room. Harry kept forgetting to fix her window (or so he said), and she died soon afterwards. I was devastated. I hadn't even realized I'd gotten so attached to her. I vowed I would never care for another human being like I did with Emma, because in these circumstances everyone was bound to die sooner or later, probably sooner than later. First my mom left me, and then Emma and I just couldn't stand it anymore. I locked my heart and threw away the key.
I put all her books in a trunk and never opened it until a year ago when I met your daddy. It was too hard, every book reminded me of her, and I'd come to think of her as how my mother would be if she hadn't died. But when Christian came into my life I remembered what she'd told me, that love was worth everything. For the first time I opened the trunk and all the memories came back. When I'd told Christian about Emma he said that she was a very smart woman. He told me that it was a shame I'd given up on reading. That after love, books were the most wonderful thing in the world. He'd told me that he'd learned all he knew from books. Then I remembered that Emma had said something like that, but I'd just shrugged it off. He'd told me I had to start reading books. We kept planning to but we would either be working on the play or we would get carried away - there wasn't much time in between.
So before I die I want to do something for him, so he knows I never dismissed anything he'd said. That's why I'm reading all the books I never got to read before. Most of Emma's books Christian had highly recommended. He was astonished with her book collection. I remember that Emma would spend ALL her money on books. The Moulin Rouge provided enough food, clothes and shelter, and a share of the money one earned was one's to spend. I spent it on catering the elephant, chocolate and little trinkets, while she always said that the only thing she needed were books. That's how she lived. She spent her every free moment reading, even when she was still working as a courtesan. Most of the books were in bad condition as she'd bought them at second-hand shops, but there was such a variety of them. Only a well-bred lady could've picked out the real classics. Christian said so.
Emma's books opened up this whole other world for me that I never knew existed. So far I've read about 50 books - I just devour them - it's not like I have anything better to do. Austen, Alcott and the Bronte sisters are just amazing. My favorite books are by them. Before I saw their first names I would never have guessed that women write books. All I've ever known of women to be are courtesans, governesses or wives - depending on how much money they had. I wasn't even aware that women were allowed to write! That just goes to show the world I live in.
I'm sorry, I got a little carried away, it's just that now I realize how much tougher Emma's life was because she knew what was out there and she had so much potential. She could've been the best teacher in the world! Instead she had to waste her life off being a courtesan because of her proud parents.
Anyway, you're probably wondering what happened after "Spectacular Spectacular". So after fainting in Christian's arms the next thing I remember is waking up in the elephant on my bed coughing. Marie was standing over me, changing the wet cloth on my forehead. I asked her how long I'd been sleeping and where Christian was. I mentioned that I felt very weak, that my head hurt and that I was cold. Marie just told me to rest. My eyelids were just too heavy and I must've fallen asleep again.
The next time I awoke it was pouring rain and Marie was still there, next to me, with a bowl of cold water on my nightstand. I was stronger than the last time I'd awoken and I was famished so I sat up and asked for some food. As I ate she filled me in on what had happened while I'd slept, after I demanded to know where Christian was. Marie said it had been 5 days since "Spectacular Spectacular" and that I'd been coming in out of consciousness since then. She said that everyone thought I was dead after fainting after the show and that Christian had cried and cried, not wanting to leave me. But the Duke had come back with another gun and threatened to kill him. Christian wouldn't leave but Harry convinced him to, that I wouldn't have wanted him to die by the Duke's hand. He was still inconsolable, but thinking of me, he was helped out of the Moulin Rouge. They hadn't heard from him since. When I heard all that I was furious!!! How could they make Christian leave like that?!! I wasn't dead, not yet, anyway. And that hateful Duke!! Arghhhh!!! Marie said that he had tried to take me to the Tower, but Harry said that I was a creature of the underworld, that I belonged to the Moulin Rouge. The Duke said he owned the nightclub, which meant he owned me. But Chocolat wrestled with him and the gun went off, killing the Duke. Probably the only good thing that happened after the premiere.
I told Marie that I would find Christian somehow. I removed the covers and tried to stand up but I felt faint and had to lie back down. Marie said I needed rest and that the doctor was just about to arrive. He did and asked me how I was feeling. I told him I was OK, but that I felt a bit faint and nauseated and that I was still hungry even tho I'd just eaten. He looked at me strangely and said that those weren't consumption symptoms. Then he checked me over, feeling my pulse, listening to my heart and all that doctor stuff. He said, "I don't know if this is right, but is it possible that you are pregnant?" I was shocked!! I just stared at him, not believing what he'd just said. He repeated the question and I stammered, "It is possible, but unlikely..." He asked why and I told him that in all my years as a courtesan I'd never gotten pregnant, that I was always careful. When he asked if I'd been careful lately I thought back to all the nights at Christian's and at that time, not getting pregnant was the last thing on my mind. As I didn't answer he asked me about my period. I told him that it had been late for a while, but that I'd attributed it to work stress and a VERY busy schedule. He told me that as far as he could tell - I was pregnant and nothing I could do would change that, except- I quickly put my hand over his mouth so he wouldn't even say it! I asked him what the chances of me having you were, with my consumption and everything. He said it was very risky and that I had to spend the rest of the pregnancy in bed and pray that the consumption wouldn't take me before I had you. That put a big smile on my face. So it was possible that I would finally have a child of my own, and Christian's child no less!! When the doctor left I got quite hysterical, hugging Marie and you in my still very flat stomach. Chocolat came to check up on me and I hugged him, thanking him for all he had done for me. He smiled at me and whispered in my ear, "You know you'll always be my favorite."
I was Harry and Chocolat's favorite ever since I'd come to the Moulin Rouge but for completely different reasons. Harry liked me best because I brought in the most money, but Chocolat really loved me - he'd come to the Moulin Rouge only a year before me and we practically grew up together. He was the brother I never had. He always looked out for me, much more than his job demanded.
When I told him I was pregnant he was possibly even happier than me! He said he'd be the best uncle in the world. I don't doubt that for a second. Then Harry came and asked when I'd be up and about. It was probably his way of hiding the pain of losing me bit by bit. He knew I'd be gone soon. When I told him I was pregnant he gave me a weak smile asking if the doctor had said whether I'd carry you to term. I got upset and yelled at him how he could even say a thing like that and told him that I wouldn't lift a finger from now on. That the doctor had said that I had to rest and not move at all, that I'd have you no matter what, that he and the Moulin Rouge could go to hell, that I'd paid my debt. Marie told me to calm down, that it wasn't good for me, so I lay back, breathing heavily. Harry came next to the bed, kneeled on the floor and said he was sorry, that he's always wanted only the best for me, and that you would be born and be as beautiful as your mother. I was tired and said it was OK, but that I really wanted to have you and that he was going to have to support me. He agreed and said I could count on him unconditionally. I wouldn't really have said it that way, but that was Harry.
Chocolat told me he'd already looked for Christian but it was too late. Some people said they saw him buy a ticket for America a day after he thought I'd died. I couldn't reach him anymore.
So now as I read all these books I think of Emma and remember her words. Now, just as Emma had said, I can say that it was all worth it. Losing my mother so early on, life on the streets, life as a courtesan, even this consumption - all worth it - to have met your daddy and to have you now. I wouldn't take anything back. This was the way it was meant to be. Even tho I'm dying I have faith that God will give me strength to live till the day you are born. Faith and hope are the only things keeping me alive - faith in Christian's love and hope for your own life, because I know you will do what I never could - fly away. Fly away and leave the past to yesterday. You have Christian's blood running through your veins and I know you'll have his strength and belief that the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. I wasn't strong enough to leave on my own, but you will. You have to find your daddy when you grow up. He has to know about you!
You are so different from me, you will make it, I'm sure of it!! All I'd ever known were the streets and the Moulin Rouge. Not much of a choice, but then your daddy came and he breathed fresh air into my lungs. Air full of strength and belief in the good things in life - truth, beauty, freedom and above all - love. Air so unlike the one in the underworld which I had been breathing for much too long, air polluted with impure thoughts, men's lustful desires and the women's imprisonment in a man's world. When you've been breathing polluted air for as many years as I have, you forget the smell and taste of fresh air and it doesn't matter what you do anymore, what's right and what's wrong. There's just what you have to do to survive, the words "right" and "wrong" don't exist in the underworld. That's what Harry taught me the very first day I stepped foot into the Moulin Rouge, the first day of the end, and at the same time the beginning, of my life.
When I met your father there was only Satine in body. Satine in soul was dead. The Moulin Rouge had killed it, or so I'd thought. But Christian was the hand, and his simple and honest words were the key that reached deep into me and unlocked my heart and soul. I was alive again! The real me! The girl who had once believed in fairytales, waiting to be rescued from her miserable existence by her very own prince charming. But then Harry came along. He wasn't exactly prince charming, but then and there, he was the next best thing.
Oh- you just kicked!
Anyway, this is my story, just as it happened. I don't want anyone deceiving you about your mom. I'm not saint, but I don't want you to be ashamed of me. Don't believe that you're a bastard child when someone calls you that, as they're bound to. Just remember that I want to have you more than anything in this world, and I know Christian would say the same. I'm sorry that I can't leave you in better surroundings than the Moulin Rouge, but you have Chocolat, who I know will take care of you, like he took care of me, and you have Marie, who's been the grandma I never had - you won't believe how she can fuss over a person she loves. She's the best. They'll take care of you, as best as they can, until you are old enough to read these letters and go look for your father, because I know he'll welcome you with more than open arms.
Here's where my story ends and yours begins. Remember that I'll be watching over you ALL the time and know that I'll always be proud of you, but most of all - remember that I will love you until the end of time. Just like I will love your daddy.
Your mommy Satine