The Sabotaged Anime Saga – Part One: Chii, the next Hiten Mitsurugi Inheritor?
Chobits meets Rurouni Kenshin equals…
Before we begin, we must point out that we have only seen Chobits up to episode 15, though we have read much of the manga, so much of the characters' behavior might be pure speculation. So mind any inconsistencies with the real anime and please point out whatever we might get wrong after you guys read. Now we begin…
Chapter One - Seijyuro Hiko's dilemma
Dawn came. As the majestic rays of the eye of heaven peeked from the horizon, basking the earth and all of nature in its rays, steadily, ever growing in its gentle warmth, life begin to slowly stir in this ancient forest. A forest, which once bore witness to many centuries of human's mishaps and contributions. Blood once flowed in the soils of this forest, crimson spilled from the flesh of man, and spilled by man alike in their pitiful battles justified by their own selfish or misguided beliefs. But that was ages ago, and nature endured, and life once again flourished, ignorant of the incomprehensible doings of mankind. The trees, with their magnificent emerald and jade leaves, danced in rhythmic fashion as the wind blew… uh, I said as the wind blew? Hello! Wind anybody? (Narrator glances towards the aeronautics technicians, who were innocently playing hopscotch, further adding to the narrator's irritation. Technicians looked at narrator and one of them said "What?" Narrator starts to flap his fan, pantomiming wind. Technicians nodded in the affirmative. Narrator sighs in relief)
Instantly, 150 technicians start to flap their fans towards the narrator, causing gale force winds, hurling the narrator, towards a power generator at Mach 2. The Narrator managed to say "Bakaaaaa!" before meeting an explosive and electrical demise… (We are now suffering technical difficulties. Please stand by while the cra… uh problem is being rectified) Uncle Saddam slaps his head in disbelief. Angel Slayer spared a quick glance at the mess, then continued to listen to Chop Suey… The second narrator walks in and clears his throat. He glanced at the technicians with a hidden meaning, and they all just smiled sheepishly.
"Okay, where were we? A tree, emerald, leafs, yada-yada-yada. Aha!" The narrator continues his narration. The trees, with their magnificent emerald and jade leaves, danced in rhythmic fashion as the wind blew, throwing shadows, which seem to dance in tandem with the branches…
"Can you just get straight to the point and trash the nature thingy?! This is not a freakin' National Geographic, for god's sake!" shouted Angel Slayer, to the surprise of everyone, who had big sweat drops on their foreheads.
"How long," said Uncle Saddam "were you watching?"
"To tell you the truth, from the 'branches' thingy. Anyway, yo, narrator! Do what I told you to do."
"With all due respect, Angel Slayer, I'm just following the script, which, by some sick twist of fate, actually was written in part by you," said the narrator while pointing a very rude accusing finger at Angel Slayer.
"Why don't you just stop wasting the readers time, and stop arguing with me before I flush your sorry excuse for an ass down my grandmother's toilet!" If the narrator wanted to object, he hid it well. It seems the image of travelling down the filthy hole of his grandmother's waste closet was more then enough to motivate him, as he merely grumbled something unintelligent and continued. For real this time.
As the birds started their melodies chirping, a figure emerged from his bed, waking to the warmth of the sun and the sound of nature as life steadily returned to the forest. Unfazed by the sudden light intruding his simple hut from an opening, which serves as a window, he deeply inhaled the invigorating morning air and walked steadily towards the mirror, without a hint of the aches and strain associated with long slumbers. His gaze moved towards a mirror, hanging from a wall, and held it. 2 minutes later, he makes a genius pose and said, "no matter how many times I watch this mirror, I'm amazed at how a genius like me could sleep all night and yet still looking good in the morning." For that statement, the crewmembers, the frogs and the crickets responded by vomiting in disgust. Even the house lizards that were crawling on the ceiling fell to their deaths, choosing to die happily than to endure another second of torment. With his trousers, kimono and a sash tied to his waist, which miraculously never caught a stench, Seijyuro Hiko donned his 40kg cape, carried his trusty sword, hanged his cute Mashimaro towel over his right shoulder, and… (This was greeted by amazed disbelief and humor by many crewmembers, who showed their emotions by stifling a laugh or rolling upon the cement floor with uncontrolled guffaw. Angel Slayer and Uncle Saddam tried their best to hide their amusement behind a cup of coffee.)
Seijyuro Hiko with his ever-present machismo, replied, "as a genius who is known for indulging in his God-given macho attitude, I see no harm in appreciating and exploring my gentle side, don't you agree? I mean, look at him!" he uttered while pointing at the very kawaii picture of Mashimaro on his towel. This in turn brought many awes from the crewmembers, although a few of them were caught between puking in disgust at Seijyuro Hiko's macho statement and giving up to their appreciation of cute things.
"Well, at least someone appreciated the towel I bought." said Uncle Saddam.
"True, true." Angel Slayer replied.
Without further ado, Seijyuro Hiko walked with his trade mark machismo, getting on the nerves of all the animals he passes, towards the waterfall, with his stuff and a father feminine (large) basket of toiletries. Some of the deers had huge sweat drops from the image. As he reached the waterfall, he drank in the beautiful image before him. The crystal clear water, gushing through the jagged rocks above, cascaded in a thundering roar towards the bottom, creating fine mist and a heroic amount of splashing water around it's point of impact. The mist resembled nothing but soft cotton, begging the beholder to reach out and touch their fluffy-like but intangible form. The air lingered with damp moisture that invigorates the inhaler and cools the skin of the beholder. Seijyuro Hiko lingered in his appreciation of nature for a while, the he proceeds to leave his sword leaning on an ancient tree, his towel hanging from one of its massive branches and set his basket of toiletries on solid rock by the river side. He then retrieved items from the basket: a toothbrush, a back scrubber, a bottle of sake (his must item, not to be missed in any occasion) and to everyone's surprise, Shokobutsu shower gel…
As everyone stood gaping at the 21st Century creation now evident in his hand, Seijyuro Hiko began to say "Shokobutsu shower foam, the only shower foam worthy of a genius like me." He then proceeded to give his most dashing smile at the cameraman, causing all of the crewmembers to fall flat to the ground or flying around in absolute ignorance of the laws of physics. Angel Slayer was talking to a representative of Shokobutsu, "with that settled, I would like to see the dough…" The representative handed a handsome wad of cash to Angel Slayer who took it wholeheartedly. "Sneaky bastard…" said Uncle Saddam as he watched the whole transaction. As if things weren't as cheesy as it now is, Seijyuro Hiko proceeds to grab another item, this time, wait for it, Clairol Herbal Essences Shampoo. Once again the crewmembers cascaded in various random movements which gave a whole new meaning to Brown's Cascading Theory.
He then continued, "Clairol Herbal Essences, made for geniuses, works for geniuses," while dramatically drawing his unoccupied hand through his hair in one of his famous macho man poses. Now it was Uncle Saddam's turn to seal the deal, as he later had a huge bulge in his right pocket, getting heavy by their costly content. "Look who's talking…" said Angel Slayer, grinning all the way.
"Shut up"
"Aye-aye sir," replied Angel Slayer with a mock salute.
Seijyuro Hiko then proceeds to cleanse himself, hidden from prying eyes by 'the mystical mist that always appear in this situation'. Wearing only his small clothes, powerful muscles rippled as he gripped a huge rock and pulled him self towards it, ridding his being of impurities by the incredible friction of the waterfall cascading from above the rock. After a while, he leaned upon the part of the rock, which was not engulfed in the waterfall, oblivious to the ice cold water, which covered him up to his entire lower torso. He then poured a tiny cup of his precious steaming sake (when the heck was it heated remains an enigma), set the bottle of sake on a flat piece of rock and began to sip his sake slowly. Basking in the warmth of the sun, the icy coolness of the water, the smell of the morning air, the sound of the birds melodious singing, and the company of his warm sake, Seijyuro Hiko finally began to relax, an audible sigh emerging from his mouth. This is what makes life worth fighting for, he thought in his heart.
His mind was then washed with the reminiscence of his past, starting right from the part where he meet Shinta, to the point where he teaches the same boy who is now called Kenshin Himura, the art of the Hiten Mitsurugi sword technique. His memories went on to the point where Kenshin unceremoniously left Seijyuro in order to enforce his own principles, then returned with a terrible dilemma, asking Seijyuro Hiko to continue Kenshin's abandoned study in the Hiten Mitsurugi. One thing after another passed by, to the point of final victory, when Kenshin finally defeated his half-brother in mortal combat. Only until then, had Kenshin ever achieved total peace, for that was his final and most feared battle, which he had, long ago anticipated.
Many years had passed since then, with Kenshin and Kaoru joined in holy matrimony, having a child whose name he could not recall, Yahiko's skill getting close to what Kenshin had in his earlier studies with Seijyuro Hiko sensei. Seijyuro drank to their happiness, wishing them a forever-peaceful life. Seijyuro Hiko never felt this peaceful throughout his life of war. Kenshin turned out better than he had hoped for. In truth, he thought his stupid and hopeless student would never make it. Never expecting Kenshin to be the man he is today; it is a both reassuring and troubling thing to dwell upon. He felt a sudden sense of pride for Kenshin Himura.
Yet, despite the reassurance, there was still something that continues to bug Seijyuro Hiko's mind each day. Kenshin Himura may have learned the highest techniques of Hiten Mitsurugi such as the Amakakeru Ryunohirameki or the Kurzuryusen. He may have achieved the strength, which Seijyuro Hiko claimed to be close to his, though never greater. But there is still that one nagging feeling that Seijyuro Hiko has to face every day when at times like this. And today, Seijyuro Hiko had finally found the answer. "Who the heck is going to be my true inheritor?!" shouted Seijyuro Hiko to the sky. Kenshin may had inherited his techniques, but not the name' Seijyuro Hiko' or the 40kg mantel, or the recognition as the Hiten Mitsurugi inheritor. Yahiko is not a candidate because he has already learned much and probably won't behave under the strict training. Besides, he is too old. Kaoru, certainly not! Sanosuke can't stand his machismo more than a minute. Who will? No, the question is who can? Seijyuro Hiko continues to ponder this throughout the day…
Meanwhile, in the studio where all animes gets sabotaged, Angel Slayer debated with Uncle Saddam about his rather thin plot. "Okay, so maybe the plot on Seijyuro Hiko's need for an inheritor stems from the fact that our fellow Watsuki never bothered to draw a cape for Kenshin and change his name to 'Seijyuro Hiko', maybe a little weak, but at least there a story line, right?"
"If there's no story line, there wouldn't be a story in the first place. Couldn't you just choose another plot? Like, having Seijyuro Hiko meet the woman of his life, who he marries and to his horror, happens to be a she-male? Maybe then to return his honor he goes on a journey to find another inheritor? What do you think?" supplied Angel Slayer.
A wry grin formed on Uncle Saddam's face. "Tempting, but I'm not really proficient in the romance business. You know I can't possibly think of a woman; moreover a she-male that would catch Seijyuro Hiko's fancy. Besides, it would be to much damage to his machismo for him to be lured by a she-male; probably bordering on the inhuman." This caused both of their faces to split in a wide grin.
"I can understand what you mean about feeling tempted," said Angel Slayer.
Both of their gazes landed upon Seijyuro Hiko, who merely spoke, "you may be able to hurt my machismo, but my ego is indestructible. As a genius, I will naturally survive."
"Well said, although that actually tempted me even more," said Uncle Saddam.
Suddenly, a groovy music filled the air, identified without a doubt, 'I will survive'. 'I will survive! I will survive!' Everyone's gaze moved towards the deejay, who smiled sheepishly. "Sorry, it was too tempting."
"Shut that racket up before I'm forced to test my .45 Magnum on your sorry hide!" shouted Angel Slayer, brandishing a pair of menacing looking Desert Eagle Magnum .45 caliber automatic pistols.
"Alright, alright already!" replied the deejay. Instantly, the music went mute. Before anybody could sigh in relief, another music replaced the previous one, one that sounded suspiciously of the song sang by the cookie monster, 'C is for cookie, that's good enough for me! Hey, C is for cookie…' That pushed their nerves to the limit. Before the deejay could apologize, Uncle Saddam whipped out a bazooka and deliberately destroyed the music control center, together with the deejay. Everyone had huge sweat drops on their foreheads.
"Efficient, but not to subtle," offered Angel Slayer.
"Impressive, but my superior intellect would have found a better way," said Seijyuro Hiko, making a genius pose.
"You know, that guy's starting to get on my nerves," said Angel Slayer.
"So what else is new," replied Uncle Saddam. His gazed wondered towards the pile of debris left from the explosion, the unerringly irritating genius pose of Seijyuro Hiko, and said "We have a long way to go, it seems."
"Yup. Now the question is who will be the legendary inheritor of the Hiten Mitsurugi sword technique?" pondered Angel Slayer.
"Who indeed," replied Uncle Saddam with an evil grin etched upon his face. Then he started to chuckle, with evilness buried within. Angel Slayer could not help but chuckle in return. Then they started to laugh an evil laugh that sent the hairs on the back of the crewmembers present standing on end. Angel Slayer looked at the readers evilly and echoed Uncle Saddam "Who indeed…" causing their laughter to double back into an evil uproar.
Thus as the two evil son of a grasshopper and son of a taper respectively, both indulge themselves in their sick, evil dark sides, Seijyuro Hiko continues to ponder the question; who will be the next Hiten Mitsurugi inheritor… Uncle Saddam and Angel Slayer already have an evil plot brewing up in their minds. Soon, we will see the product of their deranged minds. Till then "Chop Suey mania!" shouted Angel Slayer, who was soon joined with Uncle Saddam, and they both listened to Chop Suey, head banging all the way…
"Baka…" Seijyuro Hiko whispered.
There goes chapter one of Chi's Alternate Adventure: Chi- The next Hiten Mitsurugi inheritor?! Remember that Chi's Alternate Adventure itself is but part of The Sabotaged Anime Saga. We know that some people may find this story cheesy, or maybe downright offensive, but that happens in life. We can't please everyone, but we do believe that as long as we're having fun when writing we're sure that there will be others out there that would appreciate and have fun too. I hope you guys enjoyed our writing. Send us your comments at:
Uncle Saddam
saddam_yb@yahoo.com
z_zain@hotmail.com
Yahoo! ID: saddam_yb
Angel Slayer
arcadia_charmer@yahoo.com
arcadiacharmer02@hotmail.com
Yahoo! ID: arcadia_charmer
We would truly like to have our reader's feedback. Post any comments, suggestions, or even positive criticism, but don't send any viruses, Trojans, bombs, etc or porn. We may be cruel, insane and sadistic, but we are not perverts; Angel Slayer is kinda anti-hentai, and I, Uncle Saddam have a bloody nose. Well, maybe we're a little perverted, but then again, who isn't? Mahoromatic, anyone?… Well then, we better get back to finishing Chapter 2 – Hideki's dilemma, so till then sayonara.