It gets stronger every day.
I try to ignore it, to remain my usual oblivious self, doing laundry, making dinner, keeping that smile on my face. To remain Himura Kenshin, rurouni. But it becomes harder and harder to do that. I catch myself sometimes, watching her. Staring, really, at the graceful way she moves. My Kaoru-koishii's grown up, and the results are something to see.
Yes, Kaoru-koishii. I call her that in my mind, in my dreams, a whispered endearment in the throes of passion, a loving caress in the form of words. But only in my dreams. In my waking life, my double life, she is still Kaoru-dono. And Kaoru-dono she will stay. if my weakening willpower allows it.
I know she feels something for me. Despite my façade, I'm not quite as much of an oblivious idiot as I appear. At first I dismissed it as a girlish crush, but it has survived all the time we've been together, and she is no longer a girl.
Oh yes, my Kaoru-koishii has grown up in more ways than one. When I met her, that first day on the road so long ago, she was naïve, brave and earnest. and most certainly still a girl. Nobody could mistake her as more. And so I admired her for the longest time as someone who could stick to her idealism, remaining kind and unaffected by the horrors of the world. It was why I stayed; somehow, that innocent acceptance of me and all the horror my past embodied was a comfort I couldn't do without. I honestly didn't expect it to last. She knew me as Battousai the Manslayer, but she didn't know what being the Battousai meant. The nights of murder, the taste of death in the air, the life lived day to day because there was no guarantee you'd be alive the next one.
And then she found out, and began to lose her innocence. When my past started catching up to me, she was right in the middle of it, often taking blows meant for me. Even when she began to find out firsthand what I really was, she stayed by me, encouraging me, anchoring my sanity. It hurt me oh so much to see her tear-streaked face time and time again as I almost returned to the man I was.
So I left. Walking away from her was the hardest thing I'd ever done in my life. I'd already fallen in love, you see. That very first day, holding her in my arms after saving her from a man who wished to sully her father's name through murder, a man she'd fearlessly faced down with only a bokken, I began my slide down a very slippery slope. The longer I stayed at the dojo, the further I fell and the harder it was for me to gather the willpower to walk away. When I finally did, every cell in my body was telling me to pull her into my arms and kiss her tears away. I wanted so badly to shield her from anything the world might do to harm her, to shower love and affection on her and make her happy. But how could I do that? The only way to protect her from outside harm would be to become Battousai once again, and that would hurt her more than anything the myriad specters of my past could do. I made my final decision: I would leave my Kaoru-koishii to find the life she deserved, one without me.
She came after me. That sealed my fate. That foolish, stupid, beautiful girl came after me, ignoring my demons and my dark side. She saw something in me that nobody else but Tomoe had; something I'm still not sure exists. Something worth risking her life for. Tomoe. ah, Tomoe died for me. I did not deserve that sacrifice, and my life since has been atonement for it. Now I knew that for some unfathomable reason, Kaoru was willing to do the same. She, however, was still alive, and I vowed never to see her die on my account. So we fought my past and the darkest parts of my soul side by side, and although we seem to have won, at least for now, that fight has left scars on the inside of her. Kaoru is no longer a girl. She is a woman, an experienced one, and it's my fault. That, in the end, is what stops me when I think of confessing my love.
I am not afraid of corrupting her innocence; I already have. It haunts me, day after day, even as we go through the motions of this peaceful life we had before everything caught up to me again. That completely carefree laugh is gone. I catch her sometimes, looking at me with an expression so heartbreakingly sad it tears my heart out. What did I do to her? If I make her so sad, why does she still light up at the word 'Taidama' as if it reassures her that I'm not going away? I'm not, because I can't do it again. My soul is tied too deeply to that raven-haired angel for the bond to be broken by anything other than death. And if death does break it, that death will be mine.
The dilemma I face is terrible. I can't leave her again, yet to stay hurts her. I can't tell her I love her, yet the urge to do so grows every time I set eyes on her. Then, of course, there's the sexual aspect. Since I stopped thinking of her as a girl, I lost the one weapon I had in repressing my lust: pretending she was still too young in spirit. In body, she is certainly a woman, and I've noticed. Oh, have I noticed. Night after night, I awake burning with desire, images of Kaoru crying out my name in passion, hair in disarray, nipples stiff with arousal as I.
Not a good idea, going down that thought path. Still, I can't seem to avoid it. Every move she makes these days seems to accentuate her graceful curves. Then, of course, there's the fact that she wears the bindings less and less these days when she's not training, and her breasts. well, let's say that my usual Rurouni clumsiness is more than doubled when she doesn't wear the bindings.
A sound breaks me out of my reverie. Unable to sleep last night, I retired to the dojo to think. Looking up, I realize that it's almost dawn. Then that and all other thoughts except one leave my mind. Kaoru walks in the door, disheveled from sleep, wearing a very loose kimono. My mind goes straight into the gutter. She blinks at me. "Kenshin? What're you doing here?"
"I couldn't sleep, Kaoru-dono. I was meditating." Well, not an outright lie. Luckily, she's too sleepy to do much more than nod. I get up and walk toward the door, working out the stiffness in my legs and trying not to stare too hard at that invitingly open fold in her kimono. She yawns again, pushing her breasts out invitingly, and I'm quite sure purely unintentionally. Grown up as she may be, she's still a sexual innocent, which somehow makes it all the more alluring.
No. I can't go there. I can't take her innocence in that regard as well, as much as I would like to. and the images in my mind suggest that I how much the possibility appeals to me.
While I try with little success to ignore my feverish imagination, I somehow manage to get out of the door without bumping into anything. Once outside, however, I'm not so lucky. I trip over a broom that was left here yesterday (probably by me) and grab the nearest available support to prevent falling. Of course, that support just so happens to be a startled Kaoru, and we both topple over, me ending up with my back against the outer wall of the dojo and her straddling me, loose hair hanging down in a curtain. One of her hands rests on my chest, and mine lie on her shoulders, steadying her. The battle with self-control I was having a minute ago is suddenly much, much harder.
Looking straight ahead, I have a very pleasant view down the front of her kimono, which as I believe I've stated before, is rather loose. I raise my eyes to avoid that all too addicting sight, and meet hers. I'm expecting. well, I don't know, but certainly not what I see there.
Desire. Her eyes are clouded with a passion that I'm sure is mirrored in mine. The gaze is hypnotic, drawing us both deeper. Her hand begins to trace a lazy circle on my chest, sending delicious shivers running through me. I don't think she's quite aware what she's doing, or how unbearably sexy she looks right now. My hands tighten involuntarily on her kimono, and her head lowers toward mine.
Warning bells go off in my mind, telling me to stop this now, to push her away. But my treacherous body ignores it, hands bringing her closer still, feeling her skin through the kimono as her heady scent overwhelms me. Still, I have to try. "Kaoru - " I start, but she silences me by covering the remaining three inches on her own and sealing her lips to mine.
I do believe I'm going to drown in these feelings. Every sense is heightened as she moves her lips delightfully against my own, and I am powerless to do anything but respond. I crush her against my chest, and she seems all too willing to accept, sliding her hands around to my back inside my kimono. One of my hands strokes her back as the other combs through her hair, shifting her head into a more agreeable kissing position. My tongue parts her lips, and soon we have taken the kiss to the next level. It becomes one of hunger, passion, all the things denied for so long. Reality slowly fades as I permit myself this moment to caress my Kaoru-koishii as I have wanted to forever.
Eventually, it has to come to an end. Our lips part from each other, and she collapses against me, head nestling on my shoulder. The magnitude of what just occurred begins to penetrate my mind as the haze of the kiss dissipates. "Kaoru-do." I begin, but I am cut off by a finger on my lips.
"Don't." Her head raises itself from my shoulder, her eyes seeking mine. I have never seen Kaoru so vulnerable as she is right now. "Don't say it. Not after what just happened. Don't you dare say it."
I let out the breath I'd been holding. "You're right, Kaoru. Sessha cannot pretend any longer. Sessha desires you greatly. Sessha is very sorry to have taken advantage of you in this way." Ruthlessly, I suppress my vivid memories of just how right it felt to do so. I'm hurting her again, chipping away at the last refuge of innocence she has left, and I hate myself for it.
Mutely, she shakes her head. "No, Kenshin. Stop. You are not unworthy; you are not deserving of the self-hatred you inflict on yourself. You did not take advantage of me. Couldn't you feel it? I wanted that just as much as you did!" After this outburst, her head drops slightly, obscuring her eyes in the semi-darkness. Resolutely she raises it again, but her voice this time is wavering. "Is that all it is, Kenshin? My body?" The sheer repressed anguish stored up behind that statement is enough to rip my heart out all over again.
I shake my head violently, pulling her against me once more. "No, Kaoru- koishii! Don't ever think that, don't ever think I don't love you!" Only when I feel her stiffen against me do my words register. In my haste to reassure her, I have blurted out feelings unspoken for almost the entire time I've known her, feelings I vowed never to admit to her. Her voice is different this time, tinged with wonder, confusion, and most devastating of all, hope. "You. love me, Kenshin? But why?" The rest of the question is left unspoken, but I know what she is asking. Why wait? Why not tell her, if I really loved her?
"You've already suffered so much on my account, Kaoru. how could I take what's left of that innocent girl I fell in love with? What if I couldn't make you happy?" The last fear is my deepest, rarely considered even in my reveries, yet always there. I could make her happy, I know I could, but. what if I'm lying to myself?
Kaoru raises her head to look at me once again. "Don't you understand, Kenshin? I chose you over innocence. When will you accept yourself for what you are? You're the nicest person I've ever met, yet you still blame yourself for everything. I love you, Kenshin. I love you for everything you are. The only thing that hurt me, really hurt me, was watching you torture yourself." She presses a kiss, oh so gently, to my scar, and tears well up in my eyes. How did I ever get so lucky as to meet this incredible woman?
She brings her face back closer to mine, staring deeply into my eyes. "You worry about making me unhappy, Kenshin. The only way I'll be unhappy is if you choose to live your life without me. If I have you there, if I know you love me, nothing can ever truly hurt me again." The raw emotion in her voice causes my throat to close up, and I only lean forward mutely, touching her lips once again with my own. It is a much softer kiss this time, one of acceptance, healing, gentle love. When we break, she shifts against me again, and I am reminded of the fact that I have a loosely clothed and very attractive woman pressed into me. From the look in her eyes, she is also quite aware of this, and is making no effort to move away. She opens her mouth to speak, but I shake my head slightly. "Later, koishii. We have the time, now." At the word 'koishii', spoken not with panic this time but with a loving caress, spoken the way I've wanted to for what seems like aeons, she smiles at me, and my heart flips over again. Her smile is the same one I've been missing, that unguarded expression of joy. Joy runs through me as well, as I realize that I am the cause. Was that what made her so sad? My refusal to admit my love for her?
I banish such thoughts and speculation from my mind and focus on the now. There are still unanswered questions, but just like our physical attraction to each other, they can be resolved later. Right now, as the sun begins to peek out above the horizon, I want only to cradle my beloved Kaoru in my arms and watch it as it brings a new day.
For the first time ever, it is a symbol of hope and looking forward.
The dawn of a new future.
Amazing. I actually finished this. In two days, no less. Considering the amazing amount of trouble I've been having in finishing any writing, especially my college essays, this is truly an accomplishment. I credit/blame my good friend Filia-chan, who when asked to talk me OUT of writing this thing, begged me with puppy dog eyes to write it. Damn my inability to resist cute girls asking me for things, even if they do live halfway across the bloody country. Hope you're happy, Filia-chan. *grins*
I think this is pretty good (so does she), although it's still a bit rough. Perhaps I'll take another look at it in a few days and see what I think, but my writing quality's getting better and I think I had the characterization right for the most part. I hope you guys liked it, so review and tell me if you did.
As for the rest of my stuff. well, Oh, My is in the process of being finished, but all my longer-term stuff is discontinued as of now. I'll probably remove them sometime soon. With college applications looming, it's just hopeless. I'm very sorry.
Oh yeah. I don't own RK, or this kind of thing would've happened a LOT sooner, let me tell you.
And on another note, somebody get me a girlfriend before I lose all pretense of being an evil bastard and hole up with my Chobits manga, unable to find another outlet for my romantic side.
Feh.
I try to ignore it, to remain my usual oblivious self, doing laundry, making dinner, keeping that smile on my face. To remain Himura Kenshin, rurouni. But it becomes harder and harder to do that. I catch myself sometimes, watching her. Staring, really, at the graceful way she moves. My Kaoru-koishii's grown up, and the results are something to see.
Yes, Kaoru-koishii. I call her that in my mind, in my dreams, a whispered endearment in the throes of passion, a loving caress in the form of words. But only in my dreams. In my waking life, my double life, she is still Kaoru-dono. And Kaoru-dono she will stay. if my weakening willpower allows it.
I know she feels something for me. Despite my façade, I'm not quite as much of an oblivious idiot as I appear. At first I dismissed it as a girlish crush, but it has survived all the time we've been together, and she is no longer a girl.
Oh yes, my Kaoru-koishii has grown up in more ways than one. When I met her, that first day on the road so long ago, she was naïve, brave and earnest. and most certainly still a girl. Nobody could mistake her as more. And so I admired her for the longest time as someone who could stick to her idealism, remaining kind and unaffected by the horrors of the world. It was why I stayed; somehow, that innocent acceptance of me and all the horror my past embodied was a comfort I couldn't do without. I honestly didn't expect it to last. She knew me as Battousai the Manslayer, but she didn't know what being the Battousai meant. The nights of murder, the taste of death in the air, the life lived day to day because there was no guarantee you'd be alive the next one.
And then she found out, and began to lose her innocence. When my past started catching up to me, she was right in the middle of it, often taking blows meant for me. Even when she began to find out firsthand what I really was, she stayed by me, encouraging me, anchoring my sanity. It hurt me oh so much to see her tear-streaked face time and time again as I almost returned to the man I was.
So I left. Walking away from her was the hardest thing I'd ever done in my life. I'd already fallen in love, you see. That very first day, holding her in my arms after saving her from a man who wished to sully her father's name through murder, a man she'd fearlessly faced down with only a bokken, I began my slide down a very slippery slope. The longer I stayed at the dojo, the further I fell and the harder it was for me to gather the willpower to walk away. When I finally did, every cell in my body was telling me to pull her into my arms and kiss her tears away. I wanted so badly to shield her from anything the world might do to harm her, to shower love and affection on her and make her happy. But how could I do that? The only way to protect her from outside harm would be to become Battousai once again, and that would hurt her more than anything the myriad specters of my past could do. I made my final decision: I would leave my Kaoru-koishii to find the life she deserved, one without me.
She came after me. That sealed my fate. That foolish, stupid, beautiful girl came after me, ignoring my demons and my dark side. She saw something in me that nobody else but Tomoe had; something I'm still not sure exists. Something worth risking her life for. Tomoe. ah, Tomoe died for me. I did not deserve that sacrifice, and my life since has been atonement for it. Now I knew that for some unfathomable reason, Kaoru was willing to do the same. She, however, was still alive, and I vowed never to see her die on my account. So we fought my past and the darkest parts of my soul side by side, and although we seem to have won, at least for now, that fight has left scars on the inside of her. Kaoru is no longer a girl. She is a woman, an experienced one, and it's my fault. That, in the end, is what stops me when I think of confessing my love.
I am not afraid of corrupting her innocence; I already have. It haunts me, day after day, even as we go through the motions of this peaceful life we had before everything caught up to me again. That completely carefree laugh is gone. I catch her sometimes, looking at me with an expression so heartbreakingly sad it tears my heart out. What did I do to her? If I make her so sad, why does she still light up at the word 'Taidama' as if it reassures her that I'm not going away? I'm not, because I can't do it again. My soul is tied too deeply to that raven-haired angel for the bond to be broken by anything other than death. And if death does break it, that death will be mine.
The dilemma I face is terrible. I can't leave her again, yet to stay hurts her. I can't tell her I love her, yet the urge to do so grows every time I set eyes on her. Then, of course, there's the sexual aspect. Since I stopped thinking of her as a girl, I lost the one weapon I had in repressing my lust: pretending she was still too young in spirit. In body, she is certainly a woman, and I've noticed. Oh, have I noticed. Night after night, I awake burning with desire, images of Kaoru crying out my name in passion, hair in disarray, nipples stiff with arousal as I.
Not a good idea, going down that thought path. Still, I can't seem to avoid it. Every move she makes these days seems to accentuate her graceful curves. Then, of course, there's the fact that she wears the bindings less and less these days when she's not training, and her breasts. well, let's say that my usual Rurouni clumsiness is more than doubled when she doesn't wear the bindings.
A sound breaks me out of my reverie. Unable to sleep last night, I retired to the dojo to think. Looking up, I realize that it's almost dawn. Then that and all other thoughts except one leave my mind. Kaoru walks in the door, disheveled from sleep, wearing a very loose kimono. My mind goes straight into the gutter. She blinks at me. "Kenshin? What're you doing here?"
"I couldn't sleep, Kaoru-dono. I was meditating." Well, not an outright lie. Luckily, she's too sleepy to do much more than nod. I get up and walk toward the door, working out the stiffness in my legs and trying not to stare too hard at that invitingly open fold in her kimono. She yawns again, pushing her breasts out invitingly, and I'm quite sure purely unintentionally. Grown up as she may be, she's still a sexual innocent, which somehow makes it all the more alluring.
No. I can't go there. I can't take her innocence in that regard as well, as much as I would like to. and the images in my mind suggest that I how much the possibility appeals to me.
While I try with little success to ignore my feverish imagination, I somehow manage to get out of the door without bumping into anything. Once outside, however, I'm not so lucky. I trip over a broom that was left here yesterday (probably by me) and grab the nearest available support to prevent falling. Of course, that support just so happens to be a startled Kaoru, and we both topple over, me ending up with my back against the outer wall of the dojo and her straddling me, loose hair hanging down in a curtain. One of her hands rests on my chest, and mine lie on her shoulders, steadying her. The battle with self-control I was having a minute ago is suddenly much, much harder.
Looking straight ahead, I have a very pleasant view down the front of her kimono, which as I believe I've stated before, is rather loose. I raise my eyes to avoid that all too addicting sight, and meet hers. I'm expecting. well, I don't know, but certainly not what I see there.
Desire. Her eyes are clouded with a passion that I'm sure is mirrored in mine. The gaze is hypnotic, drawing us both deeper. Her hand begins to trace a lazy circle on my chest, sending delicious shivers running through me. I don't think she's quite aware what she's doing, or how unbearably sexy she looks right now. My hands tighten involuntarily on her kimono, and her head lowers toward mine.
Warning bells go off in my mind, telling me to stop this now, to push her away. But my treacherous body ignores it, hands bringing her closer still, feeling her skin through the kimono as her heady scent overwhelms me. Still, I have to try. "Kaoru - " I start, but she silences me by covering the remaining three inches on her own and sealing her lips to mine.
I do believe I'm going to drown in these feelings. Every sense is heightened as she moves her lips delightfully against my own, and I am powerless to do anything but respond. I crush her against my chest, and she seems all too willing to accept, sliding her hands around to my back inside my kimono. One of my hands strokes her back as the other combs through her hair, shifting her head into a more agreeable kissing position. My tongue parts her lips, and soon we have taken the kiss to the next level. It becomes one of hunger, passion, all the things denied for so long. Reality slowly fades as I permit myself this moment to caress my Kaoru-koishii as I have wanted to forever.
Eventually, it has to come to an end. Our lips part from each other, and she collapses against me, head nestling on my shoulder. The magnitude of what just occurred begins to penetrate my mind as the haze of the kiss dissipates. "Kaoru-do." I begin, but I am cut off by a finger on my lips.
"Don't." Her head raises itself from my shoulder, her eyes seeking mine. I have never seen Kaoru so vulnerable as she is right now. "Don't say it. Not after what just happened. Don't you dare say it."
I let out the breath I'd been holding. "You're right, Kaoru. Sessha cannot pretend any longer. Sessha desires you greatly. Sessha is very sorry to have taken advantage of you in this way." Ruthlessly, I suppress my vivid memories of just how right it felt to do so. I'm hurting her again, chipping away at the last refuge of innocence she has left, and I hate myself for it.
Mutely, she shakes her head. "No, Kenshin. Stop. You are not unworthy; you are not deserving of the self-hatred you inflict on yourself. You did not take advantage of me. Couldn't you feel it? I wanted that just as much as you did!" After this outburst, her head drops slightly, obscuring her eyes in the semi-darkness. Resolutely she raises it again, but her voice this time is wavering. "Is that all it is, Kenshin? My body?" The sheer repressed anguish stored up behind that statement is enough to rip my heart out all over again.
I shake my head violently, pulling her against me once more. "No, Kaoru- koishii! Don't ever think that, don't ever think I don't love you!" Only when I feel her stiffen against me do my words register. In my haste to reassure her, I have blurted out feelings unspoken for almost the entire time I've known her, feelings I vowed never to admit to her. Her voice is different this time, tinged with wonder, confusion, and most devastating of all, hope. "You. love me, Kenshin? But why?" The rest of the question is left unspoken, but I know what she is asking. Why wait? Why not tell her, if I really loved her?
"You've already suffered so much on my account, Kaoru. how could I take what's left of that innocent girl I fell in love with? What if I couldn't make you happy?" The last fear is my deepest, rarely considered even in my reveries, yet always there. I could make her happy, I know I could, but. what if I'm lying to myself?
Kaoru raises her head to look at me once again. "Don't you understand, Kenshin? I chose you over innocence. When will you accept yourself for what you are? You're the nicest person I've ever met, yet you still blame yourself for everything. I love you, Kenshin. I love you for everything you are. The only thing that hurt me, really hurt me, was watching you torture yourself." She presses a kiss, oh so gently, to my scar, and tears well up in my eyes. How did I ever get so lucky as to meet this incredible woman?
She brings her face back closer to mine, staring deeply into my eyes. "You worry about making me unhappy, Kenshin. The only way I'll be unhappy is if you choose to live your life without me. If I have you there, if I know you love me, nothing can ever truly hurt me again." The raw emotion in her voice causes my throat to close up, and I only lean forward mutely, touching her lips once again with my own. It is a much softer kiss this time, one of acceptance, healing, gentle love. When we break, she shifts against me again, and I am reminded of the fact that I have a loosely clothed and very attractive woman pressed into me. From the look in her eyes, she is also quite aware of this, and is making no effort to move away. She opens her mouth to speak, but I shake my head slightly. "Later, koishii. We have the time, now." At the word 'koishii', spoken not with panic this time but with a loving caress, spoken the way I've wanted to for what seems like aeons, she smiles at me, and my heart flips over again. Her smile is the same one I've been missing, that unguarded expression of joy. Joy runs through me as well, as I realize that I am the cause. Was that what made her so sad? My refusal to admit my love for her?
I banish such thoughts and speculation from my mind and focus on the now. There are still unanswered questions, but just like our physical attraction to each other, they can be resolved later. Right now, as the sun begins to peek out above the horizon, I want only to cradle my beloved Kaoru in my arms and watch it as it brings a new day.
For the first time ever, it is a symbol of hope and looking forward.
The dawn of a new future.
Amazing. I actually finished this. In two days, no less. Considering the amazing amount of trouble I've been having in finishing any writing, especially my college essays, this is truly an accomplishment. I credit/blame my good friend Filia-chan, who when asked to talk me OUT of writing this thing, begged me with puppy dog eyes to write it. Damn my inability to resist cute girls asking me for things, even if they do live halfway across the bloody country. Hope you're happy, Filia-chan. *grins*
I think this is pretty good (so does she), although it's still a bit rough. Perhaps I'll take another look at it in a few days and see what I think, but my writing quality's getting better and I think I had the characterization right for the most part. I hope you guys liked it, so review and tell me if you did.
As for the rest of my stuff. well, Oh, My is in the process of being finished, but all my longer-term stuff is discontinued as of now. I'll probably remove them sometime soon. With college applications looming, it's just hopeless. I'm very sorry.
Oh yeah. I don't own RK, or this kind of thing would've happened a LOT sooner, let me tell you.
And on another note, somebody get me a girlfriend before I lose all pretense of being an evil bastard and hole up with my Chobits manga, unable to find another outlet for my romantic side.
Feh.