In an attempt to make Jamie feel better about her condition, I tried to act as happy as I could. For the next few weeks, I felt like a miracle husband, smiling and joking with her when she was unhappy and not feeling well, and serious when she wanted me to be. I was always saying the right thing but she was still sad as I wore myself out trying to make her happy. I was worn out, staying home and taking care of Jamie all the time while I was working my ass off in medical school. I found myself sitting at the kitchen table, its surface strewn with books on everything from lung cancer to diabetes, studying like mad until I Jamie approaches me and asks me how I'm doing on my work. of course I always say something like "Good, working hard." or "doing my best." but what I really want to say is "If I read one more sentence I'm afraid I'm going to pass out from an overload on my mental capacity." but that would make her upset, then I'd get mad, and so on. I'm beginning to think I should have taken up mental psychology as a major for my own good. though, I'm not the person to throw my books down and say he's done when he's not. I'm going to finish this course and everyone proud, especially Jamie, whom I'd like nothing more than to make proud of me. now, it was at this time when I was working diligently on my assignments and Jamie was sitting across the table from me, drinking her coffee, silently. I looked up from my books and glanced over to her. she was quietly watching the coffee swirl from her stirs. I couldn't help my half- smile. "Bored." I said to her. "Hmm..?" she said, glancing up. "I mean you seem bored." I repeated, putting my pen down and folding my arms together. "Uh, heh, I'm.. hmm." she mumbled. I raised my eyebrows a little, in a slight worry. I rested my arms on the table and leaned closer. "You.. want to go out and do something?" she shook her head. "Are you sure?" "no, you're busy working." "I can take off some time.. it's not like I'm swamped." I responded. I was swamped. but it wasn't going to keep me away from spending time with my girl. she looked out the window and sighed. "No, Landon, I don't want to go out." I silently looked at her for a moment. "what's wrong, Jamie. you're worrying me." "Landon, I'm sick, alright. I'm not feeling as good today. I just want to stay here with you today." "you're worse then before, but, you don't want to see a doctor. you want to stay here with me, while I work, and do nothing." "yes and no." "enlighten me." "Yes, I'm worse. No, I don't want to see the doctor. yes, I want to stay here with you, no, not while you work." I paused. ".. alright." she looked unhappy. "Jamie, what are you still looking sad for? I said alright, didn't I?" "yeah.." "what more do you want? all I've been trying to do for the past month is to make you happy and I've been unsuccessful at every God damn attempt! what else can I do to see you be happy again?! that's all I want, just to see you happy, and I feel like I'm failing.." I stood up and walked over to the counter quickly. "failing in school, and failing to be your husband, and I'm afraid you think I'm failing to love you, and that's why you're sad. is it not?" she stood up. "No, no, no! you're not failing at anything! you're being everything I expected and could have ever wanted from you, and more. you're in medical school and going strong, we're married, and I know you love me like no one else ever could, and that's all I ask, and it's all I dream. is just for you to be here for me, okay?!" "I am though!" "I know you are!" "all of the work I've been putting in for you, all the money, work, sex, and love, and still you frown. what's making you sad?" "I'm afraid our time is cutting short together, Landon. that's why I want to spend time with you." "don't talk like that." "don't go into denial, Landon, what if it's too late? please Landon, just understand, that this is why I'm sad. I'm afraid, Landon. it's not you, it's just not you." "don't talk like that baby. it scares me." I could feel my tears rising, glazing over my eyes, as I bit my lip. I haven't felt this way since.. since Jamie first told me she was sick. that was the time in my life that I was in my most despair, and I'm afraid now. scared to death that it would happen again twice as bad. "I'm sorry Landon," she said past her tears. "I'm sorry for worrying you. making you mad. scaring you. I'm so sorry." she let out in what seemed to be one breath. I sniffed and wipe a tear from my eye. "it's not your fault," I said, wrapping my arms around her and holding her tightly. "I love you." I heard her whimpers as she cried on me, and a faint "I love you too. so much." as we held each other close. I kept wiping tears from my eyes. tears opposite of joy.. but still for love.