I'm sitting here watching Magnolia as I type and the scene early on where
Tom Cruise, with his – dare I say – largeish nose and shoulder-length black
hair, is strutting around ("Respect the…")…all I can think of is our
favorite Slytherin Sex God. :-) I have to admit I'd still take beloved Alan
Rickman any day…(I saw him perform live in London…good GOD….he sang, he
danced, he threw things, he laughed, he cried…I was a puddle.)
Now, time for a little hybridization of the challenge conversation…more of it shall appear later on…oh, and I'm sure this goes without saying, but (hopefully) this conversation creates as many questions as it answers…just trust in me that the loose ends are intentionally left…loose.
Thank you all for your incredibly supportive reviews!! :-) As soon as I finish with this horrid paper for class (East German intellectuals and individuality/dissidence) I will start posting individual notes if I can. :- )
Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling. Which is a good thing, because with the cliffhanger I just left at the end of chapter five you might all kill me, and then you'd never get to read the last three real books…and then where would you all be?
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The Color of Crimson
By Lady of Arundel
Chapter Four: A Matter of Judgement
"I asked you a question." Severus leaned back against the classroom door, arms crossed.
"This isn't a discussion to be had in the open halls of Hogwarts. But you know that, or else you wouldn't be trying to stall." Lupin drew his wand from his robes and cast a series of silencing and locking charms. Severus pursed his lips, an eyebrow dipping in consideration. "So it's to be one of those conversations."
Sitting on one of the desks Remus silently appraised the brooding man. "Yes, it is."
Severus pushed himself away from the door and veritably glided over to his own desk. "I ask you again," he ground out. "What. Did. Albus. Tell. You?" Of course, Severus was already fairly certain what had been said, but on the off chance…
"The truth."
A pause. "For someone who chased me down here and harassed me into having this conversation, stealing my last few moments of peace before the onslaught," a slight wave of a pale hand in the general direction of the castle proper, "you're suddenly irritatingly evasive." Severus turned to make his way to his chair.
"Oh come off it, you know precisely what I'm talking about," Remus snapped before taking a breath, flattening his palms against his thighs. "Look, I'm not here to argue or accuse or…I'm just not. I just want to know…what Albus didn't say…what-"
"Oh get on with it!"
"Does he know? Have you told him?"
"Well, if Albus told *you* then there's a decent chance that Albus knows, Remus, -"
"Severus…"
"Told who what? I haven't the slightest idea what you're on about…" Severus growled, but was cut off by a sharply-returned gaze from Remus.
"Oh now who's being evasive. You know very well who and what I mean. It's been fifteen years…he has a right to know. He has a right to know you."
Severus spun, something like harsh laughter rumbling deep in his throat. "Know me?! Have I *told* him? You honestly think I would *ever* tell him?"
Remus swiftly slid off the desk and stepped up to Severus, latching tightly onto the Potion Master's shoulder. Remus searched the other man's eyes, his own expression shifting between concern and disbelief. "Why wouldn't you tell him, Severus? He could have grown up without all the lies…"
Severus blinked away from Remus's gaze, speaking softly. "Maybe once, but not anymore…"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, werewolf, that while maybe once that could have been possible, it is not anymore."
"Severus…" Remus knew that Severus only resorted to the litany of werewolf insults when the conversation veered into painful territory. What once had been an insult had also once been a friendly barb, and while Remus no longer knew exactly where he stood with the Potions Master, the discussion en route to the dungeons would favor the guess that the gibe was more diversionary in intent. Remus eased himself onto the edge of Severus's desk.
The man in question sunk into his chair and stared at a darkened corner of the classroom. "It wasn't supposed to be permanent, you know." Severus raised his eyes to Remus's before glancing away again. "A temporary solution, Albus had said. Temporary…" Severus snorted and shook his head.
"Albus couldn't have known, how could he? You couldn't have known either. You both did what you thought would be for the best, for them, for the Light…but after, why didn't you take Harry after?"
Severus stood abruptly and began to pace the room. "There was no after, don't you see? As long as there was the slightest possibility that the Dark Lord could return the safest place for him was with Petunia. Not with me."
"But you can still tell him, you've GOT to tell him! Things have changed, he no longer has the safety that anonymity among the muggles provided. He'll probably find out on his own eventually, and just imaging what a mess that would be…"
"Not anymore of one than if I WERE to tell him. Can you imagine what would happen were he to know? ME?! His FATHER?! You can't honestly expect that he'd be happy in the least. I am not the type of person that can be a father."
"Oh, so that's it…"
"What?"
"You don't think you're worthy…"
Severus glared at Remus incredulously. "I'll be astounded if you can think of anyone LESS worthy. I was a Death Eater, Remus, I've done more evil than I can rightly remember…I'm not worthy of being ANYONE'S parent, never mind of the bloody Boy Who Lived. Besides," and this final admission came with a drop in his voice, "I wouldn't even know how."
"Severus," Remus said quietly, "He's the Boy Who Lived because of you, he lived BECAUSE he's your son…"
"His life was in danger because of me in the first place. Because of me," Severus's pacing was growing angrier by the second, "Because of *me* Lily is dead."
Remus leaned back. 'So that is what this is about,' he mused. Not that he was surprised in the least. It was only natural that… But now was neither the time nor the place to pursue that line of thought. Not when Severus would have to deal with a school-full of children in a few hours. Remus chose his next words carefully to redirect the conversation. "Do you honestly believe he would find you unworthy to be his father?"
"Remus, how else do you think he would feel? You obviously have taken a liking to him, and he to you – you have to know how much the ethos of James- bloody-Potter means to him! What do you think it would do to him if he were to discover that his real father was a murderer? A conscienceless follower of the Dark Lord?"
"You know full well you've never been either, Severus," Remus interrupted, "Albus explained -"
"The hell with what Albus explained, even the great Albus Dumbledore cannot alter the things I've done. And regardless, what would it do to Harry to know his real father was the cruel, bitter teacher hated by the entire school? It would break him, I've no doubt that it would."
"Then that just proves that you need to get to know him."
"Why, whatever do you mean?"
Remus bit his lip. He had heard rumors about the muggles Harry lived with, but had nothing in the way of proof to support those rumors. Better not to further upset Severus needlessly. "Harry is one of the most loving, compassionate people I have ever known. I assure you he would want you in his life."
Severus seemed skeptical but remained silent. His pacing, however, slowed to a slightly less agitated level. Neither spoke further for a minute or two.
"Tell me…why ARE you always on his case?"
Severus jerked his head up, having been lost deep in his own thoughts. "Pardon?"
"Why is it that you always single him out for ridicule?"
A sneer flickered across Severus's features, and for a moment Remus thought he wasn't going to answer. "Simple." Severus had regained some control over his emotions, cool indifference slipping back into his voice. "To teach him a lesson. Everyone else here, you included, tend to treat him like some high-and-mighty savior of the wizarding world. Half of the people – MOST of the people – who claim to be his friends would turn on him in an instant if his 'heroic' image were to be tarnished. Have turned on him in an instant, if memory serves...He's got to learn to fend for himself out there, one way or another. If I don't break him of the spoiled lifestyle he probably enjoys at home, who will? You? Dumbledore? I highly doubt it."
Remus swallowed. 'I wouldn't be so sure about the 'spoiled lifestyle', not if what I suspect were true…' But again instead of following that line of thought Remus remarked, "That's what I thought. That's the parenting instinct, Severus. While I might not exactly agree with your…methods…that's what being a parent is about."
Remus received a sharp glare but no further protest, the Potions Master once again mired in his own thoughts as he paced the classroom.
Remus slid off the desk, drawing himself up to his full height, considering Severus for a moment. 'Well, I've come this far with my head still attached…' The werewolf licked his lips.
"Would you like to come along?"
"Excuse me?"
"Would you like to come along. Dumbledore asked me to go and fetch him, you know. I'm leaving now and you could…" Remus halted and glanced up at the Potions Master. That same Potions Master whose eyebrows were currently arching for the stratosphere.
It really was a miracle that Remus still had his head.
"Right then, I just thought I'd ask." Remus adjusted his robes and dispelled the wards he had placed on the classroom. He opened the door and turned back to face Severus. "I'll be off, then."
Severus shrugged in a gesture that would have otherwise been called indifferent if it weren't for the pensive draw to the darker man's face and the troubled flicker in his burning eyes. "Then be *off*!" he bit out.
The door to the Potions classroom softly swept closed, leaving Severus alone to his thoughts.
TBC…
Now, time for a little hybridization of the challenge conversation…more of it shall appear later on…oh, and I'm sure this goes without saying, but (hopefully) this conversation creates as many questions as it answers…just trust in me that the loose ends are intentionally left…loose.
Thank you all for your incredibly supportive reviews!! :-) As soon as I finish with this horrid paper for class (East German intellectuals and individuality/dissidence) I will start posting individual notes if I can. :- )
Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling. Which is a good thing, because with the cliffhanger I just left at the end of chapter five you might all kill me, and then you'd never get to read the last three real books…and then where would you all be?
–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– ––––––––––––
The Color of Crimson
By Lady of Arundel
Chapter Four: A Matter of Judgement
"I asked you a question." Severus leaned back against the classroom door, arms crossed.
"This isn't a discussion to be had in the open halls of Hogwarts. But you know that, or else you wouldn't be trying to stall." Lupin drew his wand from his robes and cast a series of silencing and locking charms. Severus pursed his lips, an eyebrow dipping in consideration. "So it's to be one of those conversations."
Sitting on one of the desks Remus silently appraised the brooding man. "Yes, it is."
Severus pushed himself away from the door and veritably glided over to his own desk. "I ask you again," he ground out. "What. Did. Albus. Tell. You?" Of course, Severus was already fairly certain what had been said, but on the off chance…
"The truth."
A pause. "For someone who chased me down here and harassed me into having this conversation, stealing my last few moments of peace before the onslaught," a slight wave of a pale hand in the general direction of the castle proper, "you're suddenly irritatingly evasive." Severus turned to make his way to his chair.
"Oh come off it, you know precisely what I'm talking about," Remus snapped before taking a breath, flattening his palms against his thighs. "Look, I'm not here to argue or accuse or…I'm just not. I just want to know…what Albus didn't say…what-"
"Oh get on with it!"
"Does he know? Have you told him?"
"Well, if Albus told *you* then there's a decent chance that Albus knows, Remus, -"
"Severus…"
"Told who what? I haven't the slightest idea what you're on about…" Severus growled, but was cut off by a sharply-returned gaze from Remus.
"Oh now who's being evasive. You know very well who and what I mean. It's been fifteen years…he has a right to know. He has a right to know you."
Severus spun, something like harsh laughter rumbling deep in his throat. "Know me?! Have I *told* him? You honestly think I would *ever* tell him?"
Remus swiftly slid off the desk and stepped up to Severus, latching tightly onto the Potion Master's shoulder. Remus searched the other man's eyes, his own expression shifting between concern and disbelief. "Why wouldn't you tell him, Severus? He could have grown up without all the lies…"
Severus blinked away from Remus's gaze, speaking softly. "Maybe once, but not anymore…"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, werewolf, that while maybe once that could have been possible, it is not anymore."
"Severus…" Remus knew that Severus only resorted to the litany of werewolf insults when the conversation veered into painful territory. What once had been an insult had also once been a friendly barb, and while Remus no longer knew exactly where he stood with the Potions Master, the discussion en route to the dungeons would favor the guess that the gibe was more diversionary in intent. Remus eased himself onto the edge of Severus's desk.
The man in question sunk into his chair and stared at a darkened corner of the classroom. "It wasn't supposed to be permanent, you know." Severus raised his eyes to Remus's before glancing away again. "A temporary solution, Albus had said. Temporary…" Severus snorted and shook his head.
"Albus couldn't have known, how could he? You couldn't have known either. You both did what you thought would be for the best, for them, for the Light…but after, why didn't you take Harry after?"
Severus stood abruptly and began to pace the room. "There was no after, don't you see? As long as there was the slightest possibility that the Dark Lord could return the safest place for him was with Petunia. Not with me."
"But you can still tell him, you've GOT to tell him! Things have changed, he no longer has the safety that anonymity among the muggles provided. He'll probably find out on his own eventually, and just imaging what a mess that would be…"
"Not anymore of one than if I WERE to tell him. Can you imagine what would happen were he to know? ME?! His FATHER?! You can't honestly expect that he'd be happy in the least. I am not the type of person that can be a father."
"Oh, so that's it…"
"What?"
"You don't think you're worthy…"
Severus glared at Remus incredulously. "I'll be astounded if you can think of anyone LESS worthy. I was a Death Eater, Remus, I've done more evil than I can rightly remember…I'm not worthy of being ANYONE'S parent, never mind of the bloody Boy Who Lived. Besides," and this final admission came with a drop in his voice, "I wouldn't even know how."
"Severus," Remus said quietly, "He's the Boy Who Lived because of you, he lived BECAUSE he's your son…"
"His life was in danger because of me in the first place. Because of me," Severus's pacing was growing angrier by the second, "Because of *me* Lily is dead."
Remus leaned back. 'So that is what this is about,' he mused. Not that he was surprised in the least. It was only natural that… But now was neither the time nor the place to pursue that line of thought. Not when Severus would have to deal with a school-full of children in a few hours. Remus chose his next words carefully to redirect the conversation. "Do you honestly believe he would find you unworthy to be his father?"
"Remus, how else do you think he would feel? You obviously have taken a liking to him, and he to you – you have to know how much the ethos of James- bloody-Potter means to him! What do you think it would do to him if he were to discover that his real father was a murderer? A conscienceless follower of the Dark Lord?"
"You know full well you've never been either, Severus," Remus interrupted, "Albus explained -"
"The hell with what Albus explained, even the great Albus Dumbledore cannot alter the things I've done. And regardless, what would it do to Harry to know his real father was the cruel, bitter teacher hated by the entire school? It would break him, I've no doubt that it would."
"Then that just proves that you need to get to know him."
"Why, whatever do you mean?"
Remus bit his lip. He had heard rumors about the muggles Harry lived with, but had nothing in the way of proof to support those rumors. Better not to further upset Severus needlessly. "Harry is one of the most loving, compassionate people I have ever known. I assure you he would want you in his life."
Severus seemed skeptical but remained silent. His pacing, however, slowed to a slightly less agitated level. Neither spoke further for a minute or two.
"Tell me…why ARE you always on his case?"
Severus jerked his head up, having been lost deep in his own thoughts. "Pardon?"
"Why is it that you always single him out for ridicule?"
A sneer flickered across Severus's features, and for a moment Remus thought he wasn't going to answer. "Simple." Severus had regained some control over his emotions, cool indifference slipping back into his voice. "To teach him a lesson. Everyone else here, you included, tend to treat him like some high-and-mighty savior of the wizarding world. Half of the people – MOST of the people – who claim to be his friends would turn on him in an instant if his 'heroic' image were to be tarnished. Have turned on him in an instant, if memory serves...He's got to learn to fend for himself out there, one way or another. If I don't break him of the spoiled lifestyle he probably enjoys at home, who will? You? Dumbledore? I highly doubt it."
Remus swallowed. 'I wouldn't be so sure about the 'spoiled lifestyle', not if what I suspect were true…' But again instead of following that line of thought Remus remarked, "That's what I thought. That's the parenting instinct, Severus. While I might not exactly agree with your…methods…that's what being a parent is about."
Remus received a sharp glare but no further protest, the Potions Master once again mired in his own thoughts as he paced the classroom.
Remus slid off the desk, drawing himself up to his full height, considering Severus for a moment. 'Well, I've come this far with my head still attached…' The werewolf licked his lips.
"Would you like to come along?"
"Excuse me?"
"Would you like to come along. Dumbledore asked me to go and fetch him, you know. I'm leaving now and you could…" Remus halted and glanced up at the Potions Master. That same Potions Master whose eyebrows were currently arching for the stratosphere.
It really was a miracle that Remus still had his head.
"Right then, I just thought I'd ask." Remus adjusted his robes and dispelled the wards he had placed on the classroom. He opened the door and turned back to face Severus. "I'll be off, then."
Severus shrugged in a gesture that would have otherwise been called indifferent if it weren't for the pensive draw to the darker man's face and the troubled flicker in his burning eyes. "Then be *off*!" he bit out.
The door to the Potions classroom softly swept closed, leaving Severus alone to his thoughts.
TBC…