DISCLAIMER: FFIX and all its related characters are the property of Squaresoft.
The Sexorcist
EXT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - EVENING
Establishing.
INT. HALLWAY - EVENING
The spirit of Vivi's grandpa, QUAN, is wandering the halls.
INT. DAGGER'S ROOM - EVENING
ZIDANE AND DAGGER are laying in bed, kissing. Zidane begins to stroke Dagger's hair.
ZIDANE
"Mmm... I love you so much, Dagger..."
DAGGER
"Zidane? What're you saying? Neither of us is drunk."
They both giggle and kiss again. A moan echoes through the corridor outside.
DAGGER
"What on Gaia was that?"
ZIDANE
"Well, it was one of two things. Either it was a ghost... or your mom masturbating again."
DAGGER
"Hmm..."
ZIDANE
"Anyways, who cares what it was. Let's make love, Dagger."
DAGGER
"Tonight has been so perfect, Zidane. Should we really spoil a great evening by making love?"
ZIDANE
"You're probably right."
They kiss once more, and then both go to sleep.
INT. STEINER'S ROOM - EVENING
STEINER AND BEATRIX are laying in bed together. Beatrix starts kissing Steiner.
STEINER
"Beatrix, please, it's been a rough day. I'm really not in the mood for that kind of behaviour tonight."
BEATRIX
"Steiner, we haven't made love in over three months. I'm getting really sexually frustrated. You either make love to me right now, or I'm going to look elsewhere."
STEINER
(sighs)
"Fine."
Steiner pulls the blanket over the top of them. The consumation begins.
BEATRIX
"Oh, Steiner!"
STEINER
"Shh! If Her Majesty hears us, we shall be in deep trouble!"
Quan appears from out of nowhere. He notices the activity under the bed covers. He smiles and disappears into the bed with Steiner and Beatrix.
INT. QUEEN BRAHNE'S CHAMBER - NEXT MORNING
QUEEN BRAHNE is sitting at her throne. Zidane and Dagger are with her.
BRAHNE
"...and I will not put up with this behaviour any longer. Understand?"
DAGGER
"All right, Mother. We're sorry."
BRAHNE
"Yes, well, apology accepted, I suppose."
Steiner runs in, panicking.
STEINER
"Your Majesty! Your Majesty!"
BRAHNE
"You! You're late! And where the devil is General Beatrix?!"
STEINER
"Beatrix, she is..."
DAGGER
"What's the matter, Steiner?"
STEINER
"It's Beatrix. There is something very, very wrong with her. You must come at once."
ZIDANE
"All right, all right. We heard you the first time, Rusty."
INT. STEINER'S ROOM - MORNING
Beatrix is sitting under the bed covers, silently. Steiner bursts in, followed by Zidane, Dagger and Queen Brahne.
DAGGER
"Beatrix??"
STEINER
"She's been sitting like that ever since we finished making love last night. At first, I thought she was just recovering after the good bonking I gave her, but now, I'm a little concerned..."
DAGGER
(waving her hand in front of Beatrix)
"Beatrix?? General Beatrix?? Can you hear me??"
Beatrix doesn't move an inch.
BRAHNE
"Oh, this is ridiculous! She must be faking it! General Beatrix! This is Queen Brahne speaking! You will snap out of this trance this instance!"
ZIDANE
"Doesn't look like she's budgin', Your Majesty."
STEINER
(crying)
"Beatrix! Please, talk to me! Do something, anything! Just let us know you're okay!"
Beatrix begins to float up towards the ceiling. Everyone stares at her in amazement.
STEINER
"What the...?!"
DAGGER
"Goodness!"
BRAHNE
"I don't believe this!"
ZIDANE
"She can fly!"
Beatrix' head begins to rotate round and round.
ZIDANE
"Wow! How the hell did she do that?!"
BRAHNE
"I really do not know, but I simply must get her to teach me sometime!"
BEATRIX
"Fools! Prepare to perish!"
Beatrix lifts her sword from behind her back. She swipes back and forth at her friends. Queen Brahne's head gets sliced off.
DAGGER
"Mother...!"
ZIDANE
"Language, Dagger! Language!"
DAGGER
"Beatrix! What have you done?!"
BEATRIX
"You all must die!"
She swipes her sword again. The three friends duck, but the sword manages to slice off a few hairs from Zidane's head.
ZIDANE
(rubbing his head)
"Whoa! I was due for a haircut this week, but this is ridiculous!"
DAGGER
"Have you gone insane, Beatrix?! Stop this right now!"
ZIDANE
"What in God's name has happened to her?! Has she been taking drugs, Rusty?"
STEINER
"Not that I'm aware of, no. I mean, of course not!"
INT. STEINER'S ROOM - DAY
DOCTOR TOT is examining Beatrix.
TOT
"Hmm..."
ZIDANE
"What's the diagnosis, doc?"
TOT
"It looks to me as though your good friend Beatrix has been possessed by some kind of unworldly spirit."
DAGGER
"Goodness me! That's awful!"
TOT
"Yes. If I were you, I'd call for an exorcist."
Doctor Tot pulls a card out of his coat and hands it to Steiner.
TOT
"Here's the telephone number of a personal friend of mine, who may be able to help. I'd advise you to give him a call."
DAGGER
"Thank you, Doctor Tot."
STEINER
"Yes. You have our gratitude."
TOT
"It's a pleasure to help. Goodbye, General Beatrix."
Beatrix whips out her sword and chops off Doctor Tot's head.
TOT
"If it's not too much trouble, could one of you three do me a favour and reattach my head to my body?"
Steiner picks up Tot's head and puts it back onto his shoulders.
TOT
"Most appreciated."
Tot walks out of the room. His head wobbles back and forth on his shoulders as he moves.
TOT
"Ooh! Ow! Ow!"
ZIDANE
"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's call that number!"
EXT. COURTYARD - AFTERNOON
An EXORCIST is standing outside the front doors of the castle. He has a briefcase with him. Dagger answers the door.
DAGGER
"Hello?"
EXORCIST
"Did someone call for an exorcist?"
DAGGER
"Yes. Please, do come in."
INT. HALLWAY - AFTERNOON
Dagger holds the door open as the exorcist walks in.
DAGGER
"Thank you so much for coming on such short notice, Mr. Exorcist, but this really is an emergency."
EXORCIST
"It had better be. I was in the middle of my pottery class. Lord, I love pottery. It's so relaxing."
DAGGER
"Yes, well, um, the patient is upstairs. Please, this way."
INT. STEINER'S ROOM - AFTERNOON
Zidane and Steiner are standing by the bed. Beatrix is still sitting under the covers, frozen. Dagger and the exorcist walk in. Steiner smiles upon the exorcist's arrival.
STEINER
"Oh, praise be to the gods!"
The exorcist examines Beatrix.
EXORCIST
"This young, highly sexually appealing woman has been possessed by the spirit of a dead person."
DAGGER
"We knew that anyway. What we need is for you to cure her. Can you help?"
EXORCIST
"I've dealt with cases like this before. I'm afraid there's only one way I can get the evil spirit out."
STEINER
"I don't care how risky or dangerous this procedure might be, I want you to do it! Beatrix' safety is all I'm concerned about!"
EXORCIST
"There's nothing risky or dangerous about this procedure, sir. It's 100% effective guaranteed."
STEINER
"Fine! Then hurry up and do it! What does this entail?"
EXORCIST
"Sir, I... the only way I can remove the spirit from her body is by having... sexual intercourse with her."
ZIDANE
"What?!"
STEINER
"You're kidding?!"
EXORCIST
"You see, the spirit we are up against here is one that travels from body to body through sexual intercourse, much like an STD. It seems it chose this woman as its host, and the only way we can rid the body of it, is for me to have intercourse with her so it may transfer into mine."
DAGGER
"But then you'll be stuck with the ghost!"
EXORCIST
"But that's the beautiful part!"
ZIDANE
"I don't understand..."
EXORCIST
"With the spirit inside me, all I have to do is simply have sex with a common animal such as a chocobo or... or a mu, and then it will be transferred into them!"
DAGGER
"But then the poor animal will be stuck with the ghost!"
EXORCIST
"So some dumb animal is left with an evil being inside it - big deal!"
STEINER
"As much as it pains me to allow this... course of action to be taken, I'm afraid I have no other choice. Pump her brains out, Mr. Exorcist."
EXORCIST
"She'll be spirit free in about half an hour."
STEINER
"Half an hour?!"
EXORCIST
"You wouldn't begrude me a little fun, would you? I haven't had it in over six months."
INT. HALLWAY - AFTERNOON
Zidane, Dagger and Steiner are standing outside Steiner's room. Steiner is pacing the floor, upset.
DAGGER
"Zidane...? If that was me in there, and I was the one possessed with the evil spirit, would you let the exorcist have intercourse with me to save my life?"
ZIDANE
"Hell no! You're an idiot, Rusty!"
STEINER
"Aah! What've I done?!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE END
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Sexorcist
EXT. ALEXANDRIA CASTLE - EVENING
Establishing.
INT. HALLWAY - EVENING
The spirit of Vivi's grandpa, QUAN, is wandering the halls.
INT. DAGGER'S ROOM - EVENING
ZIDANE AND DAGGER are laying in bed, kissing. Zidane begins to stroke Dagger's hair.
ZIDANE
"Mmm... I love you so much, Dagger..."
DAGGER
"Zidane? What're you saying? Neither of us is drunk."
They both giggle and kiss again. A moan echoes through the corridor outside.
DAGGER
"What on Gaia was that?"
ZIDANE
"Well, it was one of two things. Either it was a ghost... or your mom masturbating again."
DAGGER
"Hmm..."
ZIDANE
"Anyways, who cares what it was. Let's make love, Dagger."
DAGGER
"Tonight has been so perfect, Zidane. Should we really spoil a great evening by making love?"
ZIDANE
"You're probably right."
They kiss once more, and then both go to sleep.
INT. STEINER'S ROOM - EVENING
STEINER AND BEATRIX are laying in bed together. Beatrix starts kissing Steiner.
STEINER
"Beatrix, please, it's been a rough day. I'm really not in the mood for that kind of behaviour tonight."
BEATRIX
"Steiner, we haven't made love in over three months. I'm getting really sexually frustrated. You either make love to me right now, or I'm going to look elsewhere."
STEINER
(sighs)
"Fine."
Steiner pulls the blanket over the top of them. The consumation begins.
BEATRIX
"Oh, Steiner!"
STEINER
"Shh! If Her Majesty hears us, we shall be in deep trouble!"
Quan appears from out of nowhere. He notices the activity under the bed covers. He smiles and disappears into the bed with Steiner and Beatrix.
INT. QUEEN BRAHNE'S CHAMBER - NEXT MORNING
QUEEN BRAHNE is sitting at her throne. Zidane and Dagger are with her.
BRAHNE
"...and I will not put up with this behaviour any longer. Understand?"
DAGGER
"All right, Mother. We're sorry."
BRAHNE
"Yes, well, apology accepted, I suppose."
Steiner runs in, panicking.
STEINER
"Your Majesty! Your Majesty!"
BRAHNE
"You! You're late! And where the devil is General Beatrix?!"
STEINER
"Beatrix, she is..."
DAGGER
"What's the matter, Steiner?"
STEINER
"It's Beatrix. There is something very, very wrong with her. You must come at once."
ZIDANE
"All right, all right. We heard you the first time, Rusty."
INT. STEINER'S ROOM - MORNING
Beatrix is sitting under the bed covers, silently. Steiner bursts in, followed by Zidane, Dagger and Queen Brahne.
DAGGER
"Beatrix??"
STEINER
"She's been sitting like that ever since we finished making love last night. At first, I thought she was just recovering after the good bonking I gave her, but now, I'm a little concerned..."
DAGGER
(waving her hand in front of Beatrix)
"Beatrix?? General Beatrix?? Can you hear me??"
Beatrix doesn't move an inch.
BRAHNE
"Oh, this is ridiculous! She must be faking it! General Beatrix! This is Queen Brahne speaking! You will snap out of this trance this instance!"
ZIDANE
"Doesn't look like she's budgin', Your Majesty."
STEINER
(crying)
"Beatrix! Please, talk to me! Do something, anything! Just let us know you're okay!"
Beatrix begins to float up towards the ceiling. Everyone stares at her in amazement.
STEINER
"What the...?!"
DAGGER
"Goodness!"
BRAHNE
"I don't believe this!"
ZIDANE
"She can fly!"
Beatrix' head begins to rotate round and round.
ZIDANE
"Wow! How the hell did she do that?!"
BRAHNE
"I really do not know, but I simply must get her to teach me sometime!"
BEATRIX
"Fools! Prepare to perish!"
Beatrix lifts her sword from behind her back. She swipes back and forth at her friends. Queen Brahne's head gets sliced off.
DAGGER
"Mother...!"
ZIDANE
"Language, Dagger! Language!"
DAGGER
"Beatrix! What have you done?!"
BEATRIX
"You all must die!"
She swipes her sword again. The three friends duck, but the sword manages to slice off a few hairs from Zidane's head.
ZIDANE
(rubbing his head)
"Whoa! I was due for a haircut this week, but this is ridiculous!"
DAGGER
"Have you gone insane, Beatrix?! Stop this right now!"
ZIDANE
"What in God's name has happened to her?! Has she been taking drugs, Rusty?"
STEINER
"Not that I'm aware of, no. I mean, of course not!"
INT. STEINER'S ROOM - DAY
DOCTOR TOT is examining Beatrix.
TOT
"Hmm..."
ZIDANE
"What's the diagnosis, doc?"
TOT
"It looks to me as though your good friend Beatrix has been possessed by some kind of unworldly spirit."
DAGGER
"Goodness me! That's awful!"
TOT
"Yes. If I were you, I'd call for an exorcist."
Doctor Tot pulls a card out of his coat and hands it to Steiner.
TOT
"Here's the telephone number of a personal friend of mine, who may be able to help. I'd advise you to give him a call."
DAGGER
"Thank you, Doctor Tot."
STEINER
"Yes. You have our gratitude."
TOT
"It's a pleasure to help. Goodbye, General Beatrix."
Beatrix whips out her sword and chops off Doctor Tot's head.
TOT
"If it's not too much trouble, could one of you three do me a favour and reattach my head to my body?"
Steiner picks up Tot's head and puts it back onto his shoulders.
TOT
"Most appreciated."
Tot walks out of the room. His head wobbles back and forth on his shoulders as he moves.
TOT
"Ooh! Ow! Ow!"
ZIDANE
"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's call that number!"
EXT. COURTYARD - AFTERNOON
An EXORCIST is standing outside the front doors of the castle. He has a briefcase with him. Dagger answers the door.
DAGGER
"Hello?"
EXORCIST
"Did someone call for an exorcist?"
DAGGER
"Yes. Please, do come in."
INT. HALLWAY - AFTERNOON
Dagger holds the door open as the exorcist walks in.
DAGGER
"Thank you so much for coming on such short notice, Mr. Exorcist, but this really is an emergency."
EXORCIST
"It had better be. I was in the middle of my pottery class. Lord, I love pottery. It's so relaxing."
DAGGER
"Yes, well, um, the patient is upstairs. Please, this way."
INT. STEINER'S ROOM - AFTERNOON
Zidane and Steiner are standing by the bed. Beatrix is still sitting under the covers, frozen. Dagger and the exorcist walk in. Steiner smiles upon the exorcist's arrival.
STEINER
"Oh, praise be to the gods!"
The exorcist examines Beatrix.
EXORCIST
"This young, highly sexually appealing woman has been possessed by the spirit of a dead person."
DAGGER
"We knew that anyway. What we need is for you to cure her. Can you help?"
EXORCIST
"I've dealt with cases like this before. I'm afraid there's only one way I can get the evil spirit out."
STEINER
"I don't care how risky or dangerous this procedure might be, I want you to do it! Beatrix' safety is all I'm concerned about!"
EXORCIST
"There's nothing risky or dangerous about this procedure, sir. It's 100% effective guaranteed."
STEINER
"Fine! Then hurry up and do it! What does this entail?"
EXORCIST
"Sir, I... the only way I can remove the spirit from her body is by having... sexual intercourse with her."
ZIDANE
"What?!"
STEINER
"You're kidding?!"
EXORCIST
"You see, the spirit we are up against here is one that travels from body to body through sexual intercourse, much like an STD. It seems it chose this woman as its host, and the only way we can rid the body of it, is for me to have intercourse with her so it may transfer into mine."
DAGGER
"But then you'll be stuck with the ghost!"
EXORCIST
"But that's the beautiful part!"
ZIDANE
"I don't understand..."
EXORCIST
"With the spirit inside me, all I have to do is simply have sex with a common animal such as a chocobo or... or a mu, and then it will be transferred into them!"
DAGGER
"But then the poor animal will be stuck with the ghost!"
EXORCIST
"So some dumb animal is left with an evil being inside it - big deal!"
STEINER
"As much as it pains me to allow this... course of action to be taken, I'm afraid I have no other choice. Pump her brains out, Mr. Exorcist."
EXORCIST
"She'll be spirit free in about half an hour."
STEINER
"Half an hour?!"
EXORCIST
"You wouldn't begrude me a little fun, would you? I haven't had it in over six months."
INT. HALLWAY - AFTERNOON
Zidane, Dagger and Steiner are standing outside Steiner's room. Steiner is pacing the floor, upset.
DAGGER
"Zidane...? If that was me in there, and I was the one possessed with the evil spirit, would you let the exorcist have intercourse with me to save my life?"
ZIDANE
"Hell no! You're an idiot, Rusty!"
STEINER
"Aah! What've I done?!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE END
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~