LOD: The Book of Rambles

by Rap's

NEW RAMBLES!!!! Each chapter is a story-ramble and each story-ramble is a threat to your sanity. This is my book of LOD rants- fanfiction craziness like no other! Yes- be afriad!!

1. Lod meets... THE GIANT TURKEYS OF RUTHA!...

LOD: The Book of Rambles Insanity at it's best: Ramble 1 -- THE GIANT TRUKEYS OF RUTHA! (((This was a thanksgiving day ramble i made for the forum i'm a part of to wish everyone happy holidays!! marvel at my insanity!! This one includes all the characters! And please dismiss my typos. i wasnt paying attention and i don't care!!)))-------- THE GIANT TURKEYS OF RUTHA (written the holiday of 2000) ------- (Basically, I, Rap's, am sending all the characters from LOD to my home planet to catch me a giant 3-story turkey for thanksgiving. I begin by snapping them all into existence and then sending them off) ::In a sudden spurt of magic that comes streaking from her claws, all the characters from LOD are now standing dumbfounded on the message board:: Lloyd: Whoa.. WHOA- HOLD THE PHONE!!! Rose: Oh god.... Rap's have MERCY!!! It's the HOLIDAYS!!! Albert: Well- we're doomed... Haschel: WHOO!! Sounds fun! Meru: YEAHH!!! heheh!!! Kongol: SMASH!!!! Lavits: dude! Dart: bu.. but... Shana: *cries* Doel: I'll get a shotgun.... Emily: ... Why does Rap's always include me and Doel in these roleplay things? Rap's: Because I like you Emily! your Spunky! Doel is just hot. Emily: great.... Doel: Should I be flattered or horrified? Albert: How about we order pre-sized bodybags? Rose: *sigh* I'll get a shotgun too... Rap's: Now now- no further arguments! Get me the Fattest 3-story Giant turkey you can find! Dart: Did... she just say... Haschel: 3-STORY HIGH!? Lloyd and Lavits: Whooaaa!!!! DUDE!!! Kongol: KONGOL SMASH GIANT TURKEY!!! Rap's: Off you go! *raises her claws and summons another burst of magic* And Have fun all! Be careful! Rutha is unpredictable this time of year! ((Let the madness begin.... MWAHAHAHAHHAH!!)) ------------------- ************** Over the mountainous regions of Rutha- a field appears over the horizon. Just above this beautiful area of grassland a flash of energy bursts into life. With a crackle, a snap and a pop, Raptor's magic desposits the disoriented LOD characters on the ground. From five feet up, I should add.:: Meru: OOOOOooooooowwwwwww *blink* LETS DO IT AGAIN!!!! Albert: UGH! NO! most certainly NOT! *rubs the back of his head* Rap's couldn't have *placed* us on the ground, could she? Rose: Whatever. Lets just find the damned turkey Rap's wants and get out of here. *cocks her shotgun* We've all been through enough with her to know these things won't end unless we just go with the flow. Doel: I'm with that! *cocks his shotgun too.* ::Rose and Doel start off:: Haschel: HELLO!!!! Wait for us! Rose: *blink* Sorry. it's just that I and Doel are the Oldest here. LLoyd: EXCUSE ME!? *runs up to them and takes out the Dragon Buster* NOW lets go! Meru: HEYY!!! NOT WITHOUT ME YOUR NOT!!!! Albert: HOLD IT HOLD IT HOLD IT!!!!! *waves his arms* Lets split up into two groups. We can cover more ground that way in any case. Rose, Uncle, Meru, Lloyd and... ::Lavits starts to jump up and down:: Lavits: ME ME ME ME ME!!!!! Albert: uh... Lavits... *Watches Lavits run up and high five Lloyd. The two begin to smack each other over the head.* will make up team one. Team two will consist of Myself, Emily, Kongol, Haschel, Dart and Shana. Is that everyone? Dart: HEY!!! Who died and made you the king of Turkey Hunting?! I'm the leader! Albert: One- I AM a king. Two- I'm Raptor's favorite character. Three- i'm smarter then you. Now shut up . Dart: *pout* Shana: HEY! Albert: Shut. up. Shana: *lip quiver* ::everyone shakes their heads in agreement.:: Rose: Okay then, let's move out! Meru: YEAH baby!!!! ::The two teams begin their search as the sun begins to fade, completely unaware that-at this very moment- slanted, EVIL eyes are watching their every move. These beings start to laugh amongst themselves, delighted with a sinister plan that were brewing in the eyes of their leader.:: Evil mysterious voices: Mwa-cluck! Mwa-cluck! Mwa-cluckHAHAHAHA!!!!! Time passes.... ------- Doel: *Having traveled nearly an hour, he lifts up a hand and signals the group to stop.* okay guys- hold up a second. We've been searching for awhile now and Still no Luck! Rose: Seriously... *sighs and spins her shotgun* Meru: Well- if I was a giant Turkey- Where would I hide!? Lloyd: Dude... THATS IT!!! *looks at Lavits* Lavits: *looks at Lloyd* YEAH!!! Right on!!! All: .... Lavits: We must *think* like the giant 3-story Turkey! Lloyd: Yes.. we must *become* the giant 3-story Turkey! Lloyd and Lavits: HAHA!! WE ROCK!!! *chest thump* Meru: Does anyone other then me find that *slightly* disturbing? ::Rose, Doel and Meru back away from Lloyd and Lavits:: Doel: Bah! Whatever! I'll call up the others and see if they've had any better luck... *Doel takes out a small Walkie-Talkie from his pocket.* Rose: WHA? Where'd you get THAT!? Meru: COOOOOLLLL!!!!!!! Doel: I dunno. I had it on me when we were dropped off- so I guess Rap's is responsible. Where there's one, there has to be two, right!? *holds the button on the com and speaks into it* Lloyd and Lavits: DUDE!!!! Doel: Pansy Ass!? Calling Pansy Ass Nephew, do you copy? I repeat, Calling pansy ass nephew- Do you read me!? ::Static crackles over the line, and then Dart picks up:: Dart: hey.. whoa.. COOL!!! is this Doel? Doel: Yes. Get me the Pansy. Dart: I'm here! Doel: i.. ugh.. My NEPHEW, Dart! Dart: *static* uh.... Whats a nephew? Doel: Ugh NO! you STUPID-!!!! ::Rose stops Doel from throwing the Walkie Talkie to the ground and picks it from his hands.:: Rose: Dart? This is Rose. Dart: hey Rose, Sup! Rose: *eye roll* Get Albert for me, okay? Dart: oh, Okay! Lavits and Lloyd: hehee- LOS~ER!!!! Meru: SHHHH!! Dart might hear!!! Lavits and Lloyd: *louder* LOS~ER!!! Meru: *giggles* ::Shuffling is heard over the com:: Albert: This is Albert. is that you, Rose? Rose: Yes. had any luck as of yet? Albert: None whatsoever- but we have been hearing strange sounds in the distance. Other then that.. I... AGH!!! *static* ((Dart! NO- No one called you a loser!!! Stop. Dart- I SAID-!!!)) ::Rose blinks as a smack and a thud echo off over the com:: Albert: *cough* Sorry. Now- other then that we've come across nothing to make us believe that these -giant turkeys- Rap's is after are in the area. Rose: hmmm- well, Should we meet up? Albert: Alright. What is your position? Rose: About five miles east of where we started off. Albert: good. Just head west from there. You'll come across a river. Once at this point travel north until you come to a fork- and my group will be waiting. Rose: No prob. How do you know so much about the area? Albert: Considering the amount of times Rap's has abducted me from my castle in bale? Don't even ask. Rose: heh... alright then. Albert: *static* I'll see you there. Albert out.. ::Rose clicks off the Walkie Talkie and sighs:: Rose: Okay all- We're going to meet up with the rest of the group. I figure we'll start search again tomorrow morning. *she hands the com back to Doel* lets get moving- We want to make it there in fair time. Evil mysterious voices: Mwa-cluck! Mwa-cluck! Mwa-cluckHAHAHAHA!!!!! Meru: uh... Did anyone hear that!? Lloyd: huh? hear what? All: *listen* Doel: *yawn* it's nothing. lets continue Evil mysterious voices: Mwa-cluck! Mwa-cluck! Mwa-cluckHAHAHAHA!!!!! Lavits: Dude.... I heard THAT!!!! Rose: huh!? Evil mysterious voices: Mwa-cluck! Mwa-cluck! Mwa-cluckHAHAHAHA!!!!! MWA AHAHAHHHA!!!! Doel: What the-!? Meru: SEE!!! I told you! What is it? Lloyd: Oh man- it's coming from that real ominous patch of darkness up ahead! *points* ::Everyone looks towards a very ominous patch of Darkness, squinting into the thick black.:: Lavits: uhhh... okay. Someone go check it out... Doel: Well don't look at me! Meru: ooooo... I dunno about this! Rose: Bah! Lloyd- you pointed it out- YOU go look! Lloyd: ME!? NO WAY! Meru: Come ON Lloyd! Not even for some Scooby Snacks!? Lavits: Dude... isn't that a dog on a cartoon show? Lloyd: hey- sure! I'll... WAIT a second!!! Doel: OH WHATEVER! Lets all go in at the same time! Ready!? ::The group slinks into the darkness:: Evil mysterious voices: Mwa-cluck! Mwa-cluck! Mwa-cluckHAHAHAHA!!!!! Meru: No-! Rose: *gasp* Lloyd: AGHHH!!! Doel: HOLY-! Lavits: AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh............. ::Silence reigns over the grassland:: ----------- ::Meanwhile- Back with Albert and the others, the party now sits at the divide of a large, rolling river with the moon high above. Shana is kicking her feet back and forth- sitting on a large rock by the waves. Kongol and Haschel are skipping stones into a small pool nearby.:: Shana: *swing, swing, swing* Kongol: KONGOL THROW FARTHER! Haschel: HELL NO! I did! Dart: Will you two HUSH UP!!?? Albert: *sighs and smacks the Walkie Talkie in his palm* :;Emily walks up to Albert, looking at the com:: Emily: problem? Albert: Rose and the others are way overdue... I can't seem to contact them on this device either. Emily: here- lemme see... maybe you just need to shake it around a little... ::Albert hands her the com:: Emily: now... hmmm... *shakes it* Rose? Doel? *shakes it again and holds the button* HELLO!?!?!? *throws it on the ground and stomps on it* HELLOOO!!!!!!????? Albert: Ermm.. Emily... Emily: *shaking it again* ANYONE!? Meru? Lavits? Llyod? *Slams it against a tree trunk* Albert: *wince* Emily! Emily: Wait! I think I got it! *grabs a convenient baseball bat and slams it into the river* Albert: EMILY!!!! *runs to the bank and looks in* now look what you've done!!! Emily: *walks up to him* Well, it made a -plunk- sound when it hit the water, right!? That's a start, ain't it? Albert: ugh...... here- maybe we can get it out. Dart? Kongol? Haschel? Shana? Some Help please? Dart looks up from where he is sitting:: Dart: ooohhhh- so NOW the brainiac wants help! *rubs at his blackeye* hell with you! Albert: Don't be childish. It's not MY fault you insisted on grappling with me for the com! Shana? Shana: NOOOO!!! I'll get my hands wet! *swing, swing, swing* Albert: ..... haschel? Kongol? Kongol: KONGOL THROW FARTHER!!! Haschel: NO KONGOL DID NOT!!!!! Albert: *sigh* oh well.. I suppose I'll just have to... HEYYYY!!! ::A chipmunk has dove into the water, grabbed the Walkie Talkie, and begins to run off with it:: Emily: um- Can chipmunks do that? Albert: ugh- you little bastard! Come BACk here! *chases the chipmunk* Dart: Go Chipmunk! :: Albert flings a pile of mud into Dart's bruised eye:: Dart: AGH!!! SH*T!!!! you damned-!!!! *gets* up and starts chasing after Albert, Who is chasing the chipmunk.* Emily: oh dear! Shana: Da~art! Stop it! Come back here and worship me! *whimper* Kongol: KONGOL... SEES CHIPMUNK! haschel: I... wha!? ::Kongol losses interest in the game of skipping rocks with Haschel and Chases Dart, Who is chasing Albert- who is after the chipmunk:: Albert: *leap* AH -HA!!!! *catches the chipmunk* So there, you! Now give me that back! Chipmunk: *nose wiggle* -the com drops into the water and is swept away* Albert: WHY YOU-!!! Dart: *skids to a stop* awww- look! it gave a nose wiggle!!! Kongol: AWW!!!! NOSE WIGGLE!!! ME LOVE!!!! All: awwwwwwww!!!!! Emily: isn't it cute!? Now dont you DARE hurt it, Albert! Shana: *jumps over and takes the chipmunk from Albert* YEAH! big meany! *tickles the chipmunk's nose* your just so cute! aren't you-boo boo? little wiggy chip-munky cutesy-poo!? hehehe!! Chipmunk: RRAAGAGAGAAGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *tries to eat Shana* Haschel: WTF!??!?! Emily: OMG!!!!! Kongol: *runs away screaming* Dart: CRAP!!! SHANA!!! *grabs the killer chipmunk from Shana- who is screaming, and hurls it into a tree. The chipmunk bounces back and dives for his throat* Albert: oh this is just typical.... *grabs Emily's baseball bat and twacks it into another tree* Chipmunk: hhwwwhhhHAHAHAHHAAAGGHHHHHH!!!! *bares teeth and lunges at Albert* Albert: GAKKK!!! *Chipmunk lands in his hair, gets stuck, and continues to try and claw at his face* Chipmunk: RGGAAHHHHH!!!! Albert: AAHHHHHHH!!! Chipmunk: RRAAGAGGGHHHHH!!! Albert:AAAHHHHHHHH!!! Chipmunk: RAAGGHHHHHH!!! Albert: AAHHHHHHHH!!!!! Emily: BITCH-ASS CHIPMUNK!!! *tears the chipmunk away and eats it* ::very loud crunch:: Dart: She did not just..... Haschel: She did.... Shana: eeewww!!!! Albert: *light cough* Emily- I had everything under... *eye twitch* perfect control. You know your sister told you to stop eating small animals. It's bad for both your health and your figure. Emily: *dainty burp* I'm sorry, dear.... but it was attacking you and you KNOW how i get when stuff trys to claw apart your face! *pout* Albert: it's okay... ::They smile and hug.:: Dart: ooookkkaaayyyy..... ::backs up:: uh- look... The Walkie Talkie is screwed, Shana's been nearly disemboweled by a rabid forest creature, and the others are still missing. Maybe we should go look for them? All: ...... Albert: I know! Lets all go look for them! Haschel, Emily and Kongol: Yeah!!! Dart: HEYYYYYY!!!!! ::Everyone has already begun out into the field, searching. Dart hurries to catch up, when a sudden darkness falls over the group:: Emily: Agh!! i can't see!!! Shana: AHHHH!!! help me!! i'm lost!!! Kongol: WAHHHHAA!!!! KONGOL SCARED OF DARKK!!!!!! Haschel: HEY- Who the **** just grabbed my ass!!!??? Albert: oh shut up! Quite shoving! Dart- is that you!? Dart: MY LEG!! MY LEG!! SOMETHING HAS MY LEG!!! Emily: oh.. sorry.... I thought you were Albert! Albert: Heh. ^_^ Shana: *crying* Haschel: I STILL wanna know who touched my ass!!!!! Kongol- I swear to god, if that was you..... Kongol: *scream* ::a silence sweeps the blind group:: Albert: Did you hear that? Kongol just.... ahhh... AGAHHH!!!! *scream* ::Another silence:: Emily: ALBERT!? .... Kongol? Where did they.. *Scream* Dart: Emily!? NO! I- *scream* Haschel: okay- What the... *scream* Shana: *screaming anyway* Evil mysterious voices: Mwa-cluck! Mwa-cluck! Mwa-cluckHAHAHAHA!!!!! -------------------------- ::hours later, in the dark of an underground cave, the forms of all 11 travelers are slowly waking up inside a vast chamber. Large torches adorn the ceiling- and below them each person is tied to an individual stake along the circular walls. Rose: ugh.... *blinks and starts to focus her vision* Wh... where are we? *She looks over and see's albert's group* guys!!! your here too? Haschel: *yawns and opens his eyes* Here? huh? *looks around* Where the hell are we!?!?! Rose: I was hoping maybe you knew! Doel: Ugh- well- THIS SUCKS!!! *has just woken up* Albert: rrr... *cough and blink* huh? wha? what sucks? :;Albert and Doel, who are tied side by side, look to one another.:: Albert: Your right. This does suck. Doel: Shut up, brat! Albert: Well Excu~USE me!!!! ::Little by little, everyone begins to awaken. The large gathering flings questions at one another- but no one can come up with an explanation other then each group had walked into a patch of darkness- and was attacked by someone... or something.:: Haschel: I don't know what it was- but it touched my ass! Someone is gonna get WHOOPED for that! Meru: Well whatever! We have to find a way out of here!! *struggles against her bonds* Emily: yeah! Meru's right! We must escape! Shana: *crying her eyes out* Dart: oh right! Like how!? Kongol: THIS PISS KONGOL OFF!!! Lloyd: me too big guy! This totally suckith! Lavits: yeah! This Suckith big time! Shana: *sobs* All: SHUT UP!!!! Shana: *sniff* Evil mysterious voices: Mwa-cluck! Mwa-cluck! Mwa-cluckHAHAHAHA!!!!! ::Everyone freezes:: Meru: Thats it! Thats the voice!!! *sticks a foot towards the entrance to the chamber* It's coming from that hallway- and I think it's getting closer! Doel: Damnit- and none of us have our weapons!! Albert: your oh so bright, aren't you uncle? not that the damned things would have done us any good in the first place! We ARE tied UP you know!!!!!! Doel: *growls* if I wasn't chained to a stake i would beat the snot out of you! Albert: Now that's just child abuse! Doel: IT IS NOT!!! Albert: IS TOO!!! I'm younger- and we're related!!!! Doel:: RRRRAAAAAGGHHHHHH!!!! DONT REMIND ME!!!! Rose: WILL YOU BOTH SHUT UP!??!! ::everyone looks at Rose:: Rose: Thank you. Lloyd: look! Someone's coming!! Lavits: DUDE!!!! ::All eyes turn on the entrance as huge shadowy forms appear within. The sounds of laughter have grown very strong- booming over the room:: Evil mysterious voices: Mwa-cluck! Mwa-cluck! Mwa-cluckHAHAHAHA!!!!! Rose: no.... Doel: it couldn't be... Emily: OMG!!!! Dart: No way.... Kongol: BIG BIRD? Shana *still crying* Haschel: A GIANT TURKEY TOUCHED MY ASS!!???! ::Four giant 3-story turkeys come looming from the hallway. they fluff their feathers and gobble amongst themselves, casting evil glares at everyone within the room. One of them, the tallest, steps fowards.:: Turkey #1: I did NOT *gobble* Touch your ass on purpose! that was SUCH *gobble* a mistake! You moved! Haschel: oh SURE. Even Turkeys can't get enough of me! Emily: Shut up, Haschel... Haschel: i know.... ::The turkeys go back to whispering:: Albert: WELL? Don't just stand there and gobble! What have we been brought here for!? Meru: YEAH!! What gives you fluff-for-brains!? Rose: Smart. Piss them off, why don't you? Turkey #2: *steps fowards* AH HA!!!! *gobble* that is not the question! The question should really be.. what were YOU brought here for? Turkey #3: Yes indeed... Answer us that without a lie, humans! Answer us that! For we KNOW why you have come!!! You wish to slay one of us, is this not true? Shana: *speaks up* Uh huh.... :;everyone glares at Shana.:: Lavits: But DUDE!! it's not our fault! There is this psycho raptor queen that says we have to bring her back a turkey for Thanksgiving! ::The turkeys gasp and cover their heads with feathers:: Turkey #1: HOLD THY TONGUE DEMON!!! YOU SPEAK OF THE ACCURSED HOLIDAY!!! *the other two giant Turkeys cower back as the first walks up and smacks him in the head* Lavits: *coughs* Dude... i just got bitch-slapped by a turkey! that totally sucks!! Lloyd: Say *suckith* dude... it sounds cooler..... Dart: Lay off, huh!? You think we WANT to!? if we don't, we can never go home! Rap's is a stubborn freak!!! Albert: It's true! This is her planet, isn't it? you must have heard of her!? Turkey #2: hey... *gobble* Ain't you that king Rap's is always abducting from Bale? Albert: ummmm... maybe? Turkey #3: HE IS! HE IS!!!! *waddles up to Albert* You are the EVIL QUEEN'S Favorite character from LOD!!! You shall be fed to the oven's first! The three Turkeys: Mwa-cluck! Mwa-cluck! Mwa-cluckHAHAHAHA!!!!! Doel: Giant... oven? Oh- this is just wonderful. I swear to god I'm gonna haunt that raptor queen!!! Rose: Well- count me in with that! Albert: *sigh* At least I'll never get kidnapped again... Meru: This really DOES Suckith!!! Turkey #1: For YOU!!! HHEHEHHEH!!! *gobble* HEHEHEH!!!! As leader of the Giant 3-story Turkeys of Rutha- It shall be a great honor to serve you at our OWN thanxgiving feast! Number 3! Number 2! Baste them! Emily: oh GROSSS!!!! haschel: I'm to young to fry!!! ::Everyone looks at him:: Haschel: in my MIND people! Lloyd: THIS SUCKITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lavits: THIS SERIOUSLY SUCKITH!!!!!!!!!! ?????: UNHAND MY CHARACTERS YOU GIANT EVIL TURKEYS!!!!!! Rose: No... Doel: that can't be... Albert: *cringe* Please say it's another turkey... PLEASE say it's another turkey!! ????: MW AHAHHAHhAAHHAHHH!!!!! 3 Giant Turkeys: *gobble in panic* :;Rap's appears in the room in a swirl of magic and dust. Eyes glowing red with fury, she stalks towards the turkeys- tail swishing back and forth:: Turkey #2: QUEEN RAP'S!!!!!!! Turkey #3: THE ALMIGHTY RAP's!!!!! Rap's: you think you could ACTUALLY get away with this!? How dumb do you believe I am? Turkey #1: Well... Rap's: BESIDES THE OBVIOUS!!!!! three Giant Turkeys: ...... Rap's: I AM THE RAPTOR QUEEN OF RUTHA AND I WILL HAVE A GIANT TURKEY ROAST IF I WANT TO!!!!! Stupid turkeys!!! Dart: hey Rap's- that IS kinda mean.. they're only trying to live! Meru: *blinks* Hey.... thats true! Shana: You an awful awful raptor Rap's!! ::Rap's rolls her eyes:: Rap's: WILL YOU GIVE ME BREAK!? These Turkeys are involved in drug smuggling to baby Chipmunks and assorted politicians! All: YOU MONSTERS!!!! ::The turkeys back away in shame:: Rap's: Now- Get into my space cruiser outside or I SWEAR to GOD I will let the feathers fry RIGHT HERE Gravy pants! SHOOOO!!! out with you!!! *she pushes the Turkeys outside and then returns with some wire-cutters* Emily: Did Rap's.... Actually save us!? Rose: I'm beyond speechless... Doel: i don't trust her and those clippers... Lavits and Lloyd: COOOLL!!!!!!!! ::Rap's begins to snip everyone free- stopping at Albert:: Albert: ((please don't hug me please dont hug me please dont hug me.....)) Rap's: *giggles* i kinda like you this way.... Lloyd: oooooo!!!!! Albert: SHUT Up!!!! Doel: BWA HAHAHAH!!! Albert: Stop it! Rose: Come on, Rap's... let him go! Rap's: *sigh* okay! ::Rap's kneels down, hoists the stake Albert is attached to from the ground, and slings it over one shoulder:: Albert: AHHHHHH!!!! PUT ME DOWN!!!! *kick* Rap's: heheheh!!! After we get back to my quarters! Albert: *sweatdrop* Oh god..... Rap's: Come on, all! Lets go home! I made pumpkin pie!!! Lloyd: YES!!!! MEru and Haschel: WHOOO HOOOOO!! Rose: She'll be serving coffee too, I gather. Rap's: And don't you know it! Emily: *laughs and tugs on Albert's ponytail* Albert: I SWEAR to GOD I would have rather taken my chances with the turkeys!!!! ::they all begin to leave:: Dart: H- HEY!!! What about us!!!?? Shana: *sniffle* YEAH!!! hey!! Rap's!??!? DON'T LEAVE US!!!!! Dart: DOEL! MERU! ROSE!! STOP!!!!! Shana: NNOOOOOOOOOOOooooooO!!!!!! Dart: Goddamnit... AT LEAST CUT AWAY THE ROPES!!!!!!! ... guys? HELLO!!!!!!??? :outside, the space-cruiser takes off in a puff of smoke:: ----------------- THE END!!!!!!