Peaceful hums of Jenny's breathing came from the crib in the corner where she slept. Dixie's cheeks were red with tears as she began to delve into the past that she'd come to face.
"Where does it all start…" Dixie muttered. "We'll go back a few years. Tad, my husband, and I had just gotten married again."
"Again?" Sarah questioned.
"Yes."
Sarah shrugged, and Dixie continued. "And I received some great news. Some news we'd been waiting to hear for so long—I was pregnant. Tad and I were going to have a baby." Dixie smiled a bittersweet smile. "But there were complications. You see, I only have one kidney, and I also have a serious heart condition, so the odds were high that something could go wrong, the pregnancy could be risky. Tad didn't want me to have the baby, because he didn't want to take the chance of losing me. I couldn't understand why he didn't want the baby as much as I did. But before the baby was born, I had a miscarriage." Dixie's voice shook. "And I lost my little Bess…" She trailed off into a heavy silence.
Sarah took Dixie's hand, unsure of how to provide comfort to a woman who she had met on a plane only hours earlier, who was now spilling her heart out. However, she listened attentively, as Dixie finally continued.
"I realized that he loved Bess too—but he wasn't ready to risk my life for her, even though I was. Anyway, that probably marked the beginning of hard times between us. Tad ended up getting a new job as co-CEO of a company, and then I ended up going back to work... Gradually, I'm not sure why, it just seemed like we weren't communicating as much. Then I thought he was having an affair."
"Was he?"
"No. Well… he slept with another woman."
Sarah raised her eyebrows.
"But, that was it. See…" Dixie rubbed her temples, not sure how to explain it all. "My boss, David, and I became friends. Really good friends. As in, good enough that he wanted me to leave my husband."
Nodding slowly and crossing her legs, Sarah leaned forward slightly, motioning Dixie to continue.
"He drugged my husband—actually, a boatload of people, so that Tad would cheat on me, and I would leave him." Dixie lowered her head in humiliation as she pressed on. "And I guess it worked. We had an affair."
"Did you know what he had done?"
Dixie winced. "I had my suspicions. I'd ask him, but he'd always deny it. Once physical evidence came in though, there was no mistaking that he'd done it. He said he'd done if for love. Well, after that, I had to try to remend my life—I'd torn it up so badly. I was on the verge of losing my husband, and my son had gotten involved with drugs. In time though, things began to change. Tad and I grew close again, and he helped me and JR confront his drug problem. Actually, one of JR's friends who sold drugs was murdered—and the police thought Tad was involved." Dixie ran her hand through her hair, remembering the turmoil the event had put her—them-- in. "I was petrified, I couldn't risk losing him, I was willing to do anything. And I think for him especially, he saw that I did love him, and that I was ready to fight for him. Once he was cleared of charges, we got back together."
Sarah nodded. She could understand why Dixie was so distraught.
"Not too long after that… I found out I was pregnant again. With Jenny." Dixie sighed. "All in all, I realized that there was no way I could carry the baby to term in Pine Valley. Tad wouldn't go along with it without some kind of protest. That's when I told him I wanted a divorce." Dixie choked up again. "I didn't want a divorce—I just had to get one. I told him I loved him too much—and that if we stayed married, I was afraid I'd end up hating him. God, I know that hurt him. It hurt me! But I had no choice. I couldn't let Jenny go." She managed to choke back her tears. "So we got a quickie-Caribbean divorce. While we were in the Caribbean, I got sick and almost died. And I think that put things into perspective—when we came back to Pine Valley, there were still a few papers left to sign. I decided I would tell him. Tell him the truth, and pray for the best, that he would understand. But then we were talking… he told me flat out that if I was ever pregnant again, that he would always choose me over the baby. That he loved me too much. I didn't, I couldn't breathe a word of my pregnancy to him. I left the next morning."
Sarah took it all in the best she could. "Why did you go all the way to Europe?"
"Oh, you don't know Tad," Dixie laughed. "Anywhere in the same continent would have been far too easy for him--See, I told him I was leaving. Going to Europe to take some classes and live with my sister, Lanie, for awhile. Well, I was going to live with my sister, but the only class I took there was Lamaze! Of course, Tad was over the ocean and in Europe very quickly. Lanie told him I'd went to live at some off-campus housing somewhere, and came up with enough conflicting information to lead Tad nowhere. He never did find me, thank God." Dixie's voice faltered with her last sentence.
"You missed him a lot, didn't you?" Sarah prompted considerately.
"Every day, with every fiber of my being. More than once, I'd pick up the phone, knowing even if I didn't tell him, I could just hear the sound of his sweet voice again… But every time, I'd hang up the phone before I could even finish dialing the number. I can't say I was miserable, because having Jenny never made me miserable. I love my precious little girl with all my heart… You know, I asked myself once if I had chosen her over Tad. I still love Tad with all my heart, too, but..." Dixie closed her eyes, and Sarah took advantage of the pause to cut in.
"But you don't see why Tad and Jenny have to be mutually exclusive."
"I just want Tad to know I love him, and that he has a daughter that loves him too. I want everything to be okay, which's why I'm in Pine Valley now. It's almost scary, you know? Running off to Europe meant taking a huge chance in our relationship. My god, I told him we couldn't be married anymore, 'taking a huge chance in our relationship' is an understatement. Now, I'm so close to him again, just being back in Pine Valley, I feel it more than ever. I just hope—I just hope we can make this work. I came back so we could be the family that we'd always dreamed about, but that never seemed possible."
"You came back to reclaim the life you used to have here in Pine Valley with Tad. Jenny is a part of that life now. Anyone can see how much you love your daughter, you risked a lot to bring this beautiful little life into the world. The problem is, honey, that somewhere along the line you lost sight of your own."