Title: 0102 Wing Street - 3
Author: Sita Seraph
Genre: Romance, Humor
Pairing: 1x2, 3x4 get-together fic
Rated: PG-13
Warning: Attempt at humor. Alternative Universe. Yaoi.
Summary: Duo Maxwell is trying to keep his restaurant and hotel, Maxwell, from collapsing when a youthful stud-with-cash walks into his life…and tries to take control of it.
First of all, I hate Heero Yuy. What is it with that guy? One week in MY hotel and he thinks he owns the place! The nerve! The jerk! The….gggrrrrraaahhhh! *huff* If I didn't need his money so bad, I'd kick him right out of the place…Honestly, coming in every morning and telling me that the water heater is out or that I should paint the hallway or something!…Does it look like I don't know that this place is a dump?
For the third time today, I fell asleep at the stove. I don't know how I do it, managing to stand up and snore to heaven, but it keeps happening and Trowa has to keep nudging me awake with his elbow. Three steaks have already landed on the floor that were suppose to go into that salad over there in the corner…the lettuce is already turning brown…I haven't been sleeping at all this week. I've been actually trying to figure out how save the down fort, but the way these hamburgers keep boiling down to sunflower seeds because I can't keep my eyes open, I can tell that I'm not going to make ends meet. I've been harping for Quatre and Wufei to pay their rent whenever they can spare the change and throwing it right into a jar I have above the sink. Worse yet, I have to serve coffee in royal china to his noble Buttness with two sugars and no cream – he's lactose intolerant. Who would have figured that me, in my frilly blue apron, would serve his imperial Morning-Hair his cup of coffee every morning like some stodgy housewife? Next thing I know, I'll be waving my hanky and blowing him kisses as he marches off towards his yellow horse and right into the sunset, where WORK awaits him! My Shining Stick-in-the-Mud! *dreamy sigh*
"Wake up, sir."
"I AM awake!" I snap, irritated. I resume my vigor on smashing the potatoes mercilessly into a matter of white, fluffy goo, since this morning my blender decides it wants a fork for its breakfast. And you know who suggests to the blender that it have silver wear today? None other than Shini! So I'm two minutes late putting down your bowl of fat kitty food, what more do you want from me!?!
"Here comes Quatre," Trowa says, looking through the convenient window that connects the kitchen to the restaurant outside. I turn around quickly and point my potato-licked masher-thing at the blonde's head as he appears, smacking the boy's suit and his cheek with chunks of half-mashed food.
"GAHH!" I yell at Quatre's startled expression. "Get out! Out! I cannot stand another suit in my presence!!"
"Uhh, Duo?" Quatre's meep reply came.
"My karma is fogged!" I yell hysterically, waving my arms wildly and taking no notice to the potatoes smacking the wall and ceiling. "My hormones are screwed! My future is cloudy!"
Quatre blinks.
"The wind is blowing east! My ocean waves are wild!"
Quatre slowly raises an eyebrow.
"The water is contaminated! The eagle can't land! The duckie is no longer in the pond!"
"D-Duo, are you okay?"
"Damnit, man! Don't you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth!?"
"Hardly. The meaning of it all is going east."
"ARG!" I scream, frustratingly. "Trowa, you explain it to him!"
I watch Trowa pause from wiping his eyes free from some white, fluffy stuff in his eyes. I blink. Either those are big sand-sleepers or Trowa has a SERIOUS problem on his hands…
"I'm sorry," he mutters. "My eyes are cloudy." With that, he continues to clean himself up.
"It meeeaaans," I say, while whipping my head back around in Quatre's direction, "that – where the hell did he go?"
"If my karma serves me correctly," Trowa mumbles behind a wash cloth, "he went out the front door and took a left."
"I WASN'T FINISHED YET, QUATRE!!!" I howl, drawing whatever heads are left in the restaurant that weren't already looking at me towards the kitchen. "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT!?! DO I HAVE SOMETHING ON MY FACE!?!"
"Actually, sir…"
"Shut up, Trowa," I mutter as I rip the wet washcloth from his hands and start cleaning myself up.
"Can I have my cup of coffee, now, Maxwell?"
Covering my flushing face with the convenient red and white cloth, my hand flew up – quite accidentally, I tell you – and popped him the bird. "Eat shit, Yuy."
"Coffee will be fine, thank you."
"GR!" I growl and slap the cloth back to a rebound Trowa and stomp straight to the other side of the kitchen. "You want coffee?"
"In a cup, preferably."
"Anything else?" I ask sweetly as I pour the dark liquid in a white mug, turning my head around to bat my pretty lashes at his royal Fuck.
"Coffee…is fine."
"Well, then, thank you SO much for your patronage, Yuy," I purr with sugary sweetness that just screamed short skirts, blonde pig-tails, and pom-poms. I pop in two sugar cubes and grab some milk on the way to the window, where the hero awaits in his shining suit glory. At that moment, I imagine myself tearing as he 'rides' into the sunset, and I lose it – really, I had sanity before I met my Heero.
Accidently, though I KNOW you won't believe me, I trip over…over…over Shini!…and Heero's look before all that beautiful, black, HOT coffee splashes all over his white shirt is- ahhh – priceless. He even gave my ego a good scream. I have tears in my eyes at his horrified face, the attempt to keep my laughter in killing me.
"Oh, man, Heero!" I scream, slapping a hand sound against my cheek in mock horror. "I can fix it!" With that, I pick up the carton of milk and throw it over his white shirt. He yells again and I can't help the evil cackle wrenching from my throat as my white dairy product tries to sizzle out the heat and drown out the dark liquid soaking his shirt. Hahahaha! Here, have a pickle!(1) Ahahaha…!!
"DUO MAXWELL!"
I will never get over that beautiful angry sound for the rest of my life…
"Yuy Heero?" I reply sweetly, smacking the nearly empty carton back on the counter. I bat my lashes at him again and grin at his infuriated glare smoking up my hair. Add a little gasoline right now, and it will probably go up in flames.
"This shirt…is coming…out of my rent," he grounds out, hands fisting at his sides before he turns and marches out to the restaurant for his apartment room. I laugh wickedly after him.
"And next time I'll use mustard!(2)" I yell and pick up the carton, grinning at the small audience in my shop.
"Any other takers?" I grin, and blow off the 'smoke' from my weapon coolly, the carton hooting happily.
…
Wait a second…
…..Did he just say that shirt is going to cost me!?!?!
I DON'T THINK SO!
"YUY!" I scream and take the back way out of my kitchen, ignoring Trowa's angry look completely.
"You cannot cost me for that frilly thing!"
"Frilly?! Thing?! This was expensive!"
"Yeah! Its probably worth more than this building!" I yell angrily, stomping my foot against the floorboards in illustration and the board cracks with a pitiful groan.
"I guess that means I won't have to pay ever again," Heero replies, surprisingly smooth and marches into his apartment. I throw myself in with him before he can close the door on me, knocking the door to smack against the wall. The knob pops out immediately afterward and rolls across the floor. Heero glares at me, his ruined shirt foiling the look greatly that I was able to stand up to it with my past confidence.
"Heero, you have to pay!" I tell him furtively, just imagining what would happen in a matter of weeks. If I didn't come up with another way to get more money in the building, the collectors will appear and strip everything away from me in a matter of moments. They can't take my jukebox…
"I don't have to do anything," Heero replies coldly, tearing off his ruined and wet tie and tossing it carelessly to the floor. I scoop it up without thinking as he moves away for the bathroom, tearing off his shirt angrily. "You're spoiled rotten, you think you can get away with anything without consequences…"
"Excuse me!?" I shriek, storming after the lost renter. "Whose the one with all the cash? I'm lucky to get by every month, you asshole, and you're makin' it worse for me when you don't even pay for your god damn coffee!"
"I put it with my pay-," Heero kicks the door shut in my face. I scowl.
"People like YOU always get it easy," I swear. "You're the people who don't have to pay the consequences. Free ways in colleges, people swooning all over you because you-you're rich. Why you chose this dump, I don't know, but I think you'll be able to handle not to have a stupid shirt and pay your rent."
"I have very minimal supplies," came my answer.
"UGH! Go to Old Navy for fuckin' sakes – nobody can tell a cheap white shirt from an expensive one-."
"They don't have the gold buttons on the sleeves…"
"OhmyGod!" I screech to heaven, kicking the door in my exasperation – and it fails to catch, buckling into the bathroom, swinging wide to reveal a wide-eyed Heero Yuy I blink, my kick still swinging and I halt right before it encounters…um…Heero's…very…naked waist.
"Oh, wow," I say intelligently, scratching my cheekbone thoughtfully. Slowly, I look up at Heero's glowering face…and wow, he's angry and glowing! Cherries don't get redder than that…in fact, he just looks plain nasty that red – like a pimple! Grody!!
"Foot," he grounds out, pointing at my still-risen leg. Obediently, I lower it to the ground, darting my eyes away to the rich dude's chest and perky nipples-!?!WHOANOW!?! Perky nipples?
Before I got much of a chance to digest THAT one, Heero slams the door shut – well, um…tries to. Instead, the door decides it's had enough with the crappy treatment and breaks off its hinges.
"AHH!" Waving frantically and stumbling over my own untied shoelaces, – listen to me, folks; TIE YOUR GOD DAMN SHOES! – the door swallows me whole; braid, shoe laces, potato mush, and all.
"Help!" I scream, beating against the heavy wooden door. "It's biting me! It's biting me! No…wait…NOOO!!! It's not biting me! Maggots! MAAAGGGGGOOOOOOTTTTTSSSS!!!"
"Hold on…let me get my pants on…"
"I don't care about your pants, Heero Yuy! Get the maggot eating door off me or you'll be cleaning up Duo Maxwell scrapings!!!"
"In that case…" I hear footsteps drifting away from me…
…That's probably not a good thing. Gr.
"Oh, for God's sake, man!" I sob with a slight accent. "Get yourself together! Help a friend!"
"Hn."
That's a good sign. At least he's still here! ^_^
"I…I…can't feel my left leg…" I gasp out, fighting to see what's happened to the poor limb but the door wasn't quite working with me. "Have you got yer pants on yet?"
"Yes."
"Then why haven't you gotten this off of me!?!"
"Shirt."
"Oh, my flippin' God…Hey….Hey now…Noo…Noooooooo…"
"What is it now?"
"They're in my underwear. I…" Oh, shit…
First move: Start screaming bloody murder.
So, I do. I don't know right now what my second move is. But this seemed really good, so I'll just keep screaming.
"What!?!" Heero yells.
"THEY'RE GOIN' SOUTH FOR THE WINTER!!!!" I sob hysterically. Now, I'm not sure what happened next but I think it went in this order:
Heero throws the door off so fast it went right back into the bathroom.
I'm jumping up and down, screaming.
We're both clawing my clothes off and I'm shaking my head like a dog to free what insects might be in my hair.
And I'm nearly naked with Heero's hands on my underwear when, wouldn't cha know it, Wufei walks in.
"Heero, you need to-Ah, Jesus," Wufei says and brings the documents up to cover his face and the view in front of him.
Speaking of which…
Blinking between the two of us, I realize that I've lost my apron, my shirt, my pants, and almost my Joe Boxers – which Heero was fingering quite affectionately – while the said man had half his shirt on, with only one arm through one sleeve, and his pants unbuttoned and unzipped – hey! He doesn't wear any underwear! – with my hands gripping his new shirt.
Now…for the situation at hand…
"Its not whatja think, Chang!" I yell in defense of my sexuality – this so isn't good. The jukebox girls will never let it down…
"Let me explain…" Heero says quite calmly, even though moments before he was ripping off my clothes like a fox in heat – down, boy ^^.
"You could have taken a second to close the door," Wufei says, dropping the papers down with his eyes rolling. I open my mouth to retort when I suddenly gasp and swallow the air I was about to use.
"AHHHH!!!" Screaming, I ran to the bathroom, pick up the door, and push it back into place.
Need privacy for horny maggots, you know…
1. Ninja Turtles Movie #2! Mikie says it when he's beating up a bad Ninja in the beginning of the movie! ^_^
2. Mikie again, same movie, at the end of the battle when the rest of the bad guys are running away. Actually, I added this to my fic Strange Disease. Did anybody notice…?
…
You guys are mean.