DEEP TALK 5/10
Authors: Damngunnyshot and LeE
Classification: Romance, Some Humor H/M
Disclaimers: JAG doesn't belong to us. It belongs to DPB and CBS. We were just having some fun...
A.N. from Shannon: When Lilly suggested writing a story together, I figured 'oh sure, that'll be fun. Lilly's a great writer. Shouldn't take us too long'. Two outta three ain't bad, right? It *was* fun and you *are* a great writer, and I would like to thank you for being a great co-author! Your humour has gotten me through this experience and it has been a pleasure to work with you. You, the readers, may notice inconsistencies with spellings of certain words. This used to be a direct result of an American (Lilly) co-authoring with a Canadian (me), although I think I'm rubbing off on her-she's starting to spell like a Canadian :-) LOL!!
A.N. from Lilly: Well, what a ride huh Shannon? We certainly had fun writing this, and you're right: it *was* fun, and it *did* take us longer than we expected, but hey! We got it done! :) I guess with both of us being beta readers as well as writers, it was bound to take a little longer...:) Well, if it were for me, this story would've been 1,000 pages long, so I know for a fact we never would've gotten all the ideas in paper had it not been for my great co-author that always kept us on the right track when the ideas were flying everywhere. Thanks Shannon!! As for my "inconsistencies" in spelling, well I can neither confirm nor deny that rumour (rumor?) LOL...
Feedback: If you feel inclined to do so, please send feedback to Lilly at lee_81881@yahoo.com or to Shannon at damngunnyshot@yahoo.com Thanks!
*FROM PART 4*
"Sir, Commander Rabb has assaulted me and these people are all witnesses to the crime. I insist that you detain Rabb and have him prosecuted for assault and conduct unbecoming an officer! Tell him, people, tell him how Rabb hit me and threatened me!"
Admiral Chegwidden surveyed those people in the bullpen. He saw them all look upon Jackson with contempt in their eyes. He heard nothing. Not even from Lt. Singer.
"*I* will decide who is charged with what around here. There seems to be no corroboration to your claim, Commander. Get out of here and don't come back unless and until you can provide me with evidence of your mental fitness to serve." As he stalked back to his office, AJ issued one more order. "Tiner, I'm leaving for the day. Have Commanders Rabb and Turner meet me at my residence."
PART 5
ADMIRAL'S RESIDENCE
MACLEAN, VA
1900 EST
With Harm and Sturgis carefully reviewing Mac's latest case files in the living room, AJ busied himself in the kitchen, where unknown to both his officers, he was fixing them dinner. Thinking over the situation, he sighed as he contemplated the wreck he'd have in his hands if Mac wasn't found soon. The wreck had a name and a face: Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr.
"So, how are you Harm?" Sturgis asked quietly as he pretended not to have something to talk about. Harm hadn't slept a wink the past few days, and Mac's sudden disappearance wasn't making it easier for Harm to deal with the fall out of the heated argument they'd had the day before.
"Mac is missing. How do you think I feel?" Harm said and Sturgis tried not to take his offensive tone to heart. If he had someone in his life that meant as much to him as Mac meant to Harm, he couldn't imagine feeling any better.
Sturgis sighed and started. "Harm we'll find her, you'll see"
"Uh huh" was all Harm answered, his eyes fixed on an invisible target beyond his friend. AJ found him this way as he strolled back into the living room, and announced dinner was ready. Minutes later, AJ and Sturgis were enjoying their meals, while Harm simply poked around with the fork. AJ sighed and looked over at Sturgis, who simply shook his head.
"Harm" AJ started. "Commander" he raised his voice a little, using his commanding voice to demand his subordinate's attention.
"Sorry, Sir. What did you say?" Harm asked, his eyes still not focused on the two military officers intently staring at him with worry.
"How are you holding up, son?"
"I'm fine, Sir. I'm sure we'll find her sooner or later. I mean, she's okay I'm sure" Harm uttered, attempting to convince himself as much as the two men sitting in front of him. Lowering his eyes, he tried once again to fight the tears and the frustration. Raising the fork to his mouth he took a bite of the wild rice and vegetables that AJ had prepared and offered a sad smile as he met Sturgis' eyes.
Some time later, they sat around in the living room in silence, as each of them tried to think of anything that could help them find Mac. Sturgis lifted his head from the file he was reviewing and silently scrutinized his friend's appearance. Harm looked like hell. That he hadn't slept was nothing new, but there was something else beyond his lack of physical well-being.
"Uh, Harm, do you mind if I ask you something, well, personal?"
'Oh, no,' Harm thought as he squirmed uncomfortably in his chair, causing Sturgis to cock an eyebrow at him. Never before had Sturgis seen Harm act this way. It was like he was 19 again, and getting ready for a punishment at the Academy for some irrational prank he'd been the leader of.
"Sure, Sturg. Ask away" he said a lot more confidently than he really felt as AJ looked on in interest.
"Well, I know I asked you before the Jagathon about you and Mac being more than friends, and you said that you weren't..."
Harm was so tired he merely motioned for Sturgis to go on. He knew where he was going with this line of questioning, and in his mind there was no way of avoiding hitting the iceberg. Frankly, he was damn tired of avoiding things in his life. Maybe it was time to come clean once and for all. Alarm bells went off, and the fear rose within him once again. He couldn't do it yet. Not before he talked to Mac. She had to be the first one to hear it. If he was ever to declare his love for her, he'd have to practice his speech, and it was too precious an occasion to waist on Sturgis, and respectfully, the Admiral. All this thought of Mac only made him remember the crude reality he was now facing. She was nowhere to be found, and if something happened to her he'd never forgive himself for not telling her the truth, for not telling her all that she deserved to know.
Sturgis sighed and plunged ahead. Maybe he could get through Harm's defenses now that he was tired and weary. Maybe Harm simply needed to let it all out, to talk it out once and for all. "Why don't you just tell her you love her?"
The Admiral stating he liked dressing as a woman would've surprised him less. Harm simply laughed. "Good Lord, Sturgis, no pity on your old buddy tonight?" He sobered up quickly and thought how to answer the question strategically so it wouldn't come back to bite him in the six. It usually happened when he opened his big mouth. But once these thoughts crossed his mind he pushed them aside. If Mac didn't come back, nothing he said or didn't say would matter anymore. Still, he couldn't make himself let go, he couldn't make himself say the words. He still looked for a way out.
"Sturgis, you're too idealistic" Harm said sadly, a futile attempt at diverting the attention from the real issue at hand.
AJ watched silently the emotions run across Harm's face. If there was something he was sure Harm was feeling, it was guilt. Harm and that damn hero complex.
"Harm, did you talk to her, you know, after you had that...uh...argument yesterday at the office" AJ asked, careful not to sound accusatory.
"No, Sir. She just left, and I well... I didn't call her or..." his face fell between his hands and his voice was dangerously close to breaking. "I should've called. I should've gone by to check on her, I mean, for all I know, she could've been in danger last night. If someone took her, I could've helped her, I should've..."
"Harm, blaming yourself won't make this any easier on any of us. It wasn't your fault"
"You don't get it, Admiral. I... I can't lose her. Not now, not ever" the sadness in his voice was enough to grip even the tough SEAL's heart.
"Why were you fighting, Harm? What happened? Was it a case?" Sturgis asked. Harm was very close to emotional overload, and he knew why. It'd been too long that Harm had kept his feeling locked in, tucked away where no one could judge him, or hurt him. But he also knew, that if Mac's disappearance turned out to be related to their argument, it was important for them to know exactly what had happened, even if it meant talking about the hateful words the whole office had heard.
"No, it was... well... I said some horrible things to her, and... "
"Why, Harm?"
"Because... I..." Harm stopped abruptly as he realized the things he was about to say, in front of his commanding officer, no less.
AJ finally had enough of Harm's dismissive attitude. A million things went through his head while he tried to justify what he was about to do. Meddling in the lives of his subordinates had never been his MO, but Harm and Mac were not just officers under his command, they were friends, who had been there for him when he'd needed them as well. Finally convinced from his reasoning, he addressed the junior officer.
"Harm, tell me the truth. Why? Why is it so hard for you two to get this right? Are you afraid of what would happen at JAG? Are you afraid she doesn't love you?"
Harm sighed and spoke with frustration. In normal circumstances, this line of questioning from his CO would unnerve him. At the moment, however, all he could process was that Mac was missing, and somehow talking about her helped him feel her close. "I've spent the better part of our years together trying to protect her from myself" Harm uttered, knowing he'd have to explain himself.
AJ and Sturgis simply looked at each other in surprise. "Why would you need to do that though? I mean, she's a grown woman, and if you two are as good friends as I think you are, then she should know what she's getting into, don't you think?" Sturgis tried to reason with him, but AJ just shook his head. He'd been around Harm and Mac way too long. He knew what Harm was getting at.
Harm went on. "Like I said. It's complicated. Don't you think if it were as easy as you put it we'd be married with children by now? I mean, I am closer to 40 than I am to 30 Sturgis, and that's not something that brightens my days and keeps me warm at night."
Frustration and a tad of desperation were starting to come through, and Sturgis quickly realized that maybe it wasn't as easy as he thought it was. These two souls had an impressive history of messing up, but it only seemed to strengthen the invisible bond they obviously shared.
"Harm, haven't you two talked about this? At all?" AJ asked gently, not sure how to handle Harm too well in these types of situations.
Harm sighed and once again buried his face in his hands. What was he supposed to tell him about? Australia? Her engagement party? The Indian Ocean? The Jagathon?
"Admiral, every time we try to talk one of us messes it up. I like our relationship now. I can see her and talk to her every day. We have dinner over case files and we can joke around each other like before without hurting each other. At least we could right up until Commander Jackass made his appearance at JAG" Harm finished with disgust, and AJ had to fight to contain his laughter at Harm's name for Commander Jackson. He'd done the same to Bugme...uh... Brumby. Pulling himself together, AJ continued, knowing that Harm talking like this about his feelings was as likely as a rocket hitting the Earth and extinguishing the human race.
AJ thought of questioning Harm about the obvious ass-kicking he'd handed Commander Jackson earlier at the office, but thought better of it. Judging by the things Harriet had related to him about the incident, he would've killed Jackson himself if he'd had the chance. Right now, Harm was on a roll, and he'd be damned if he didn't try to find out exactly what lay behind the officers' shielded personal relationship.
"But don't you think it's worth it, I mean, to give it a shot..."
Harm had enough. Why could no one understand him? With all the momentum of a frustrated 6'4" Naval Officer, he stood up in one swift motion and swung his long arms in the air conveying his annoyance.
"Damn it, a shot at what? A shot at getting her in bed? A shot at fighting and arguing like cats and dogs like we did after I left to fly? A shot at the possibility that it might not work out and end up losing each other for good? No way. I don't want to... I will not risk losing my best friend because I can't act like an adult and keep my hormones under wraps." He finished plummeting into the big chair he'd occupied before his outburst and burying his face in his hands.
Sturgis looked over flabbergasted at AJ, who merely shook his head in amazement. Sure, they knew Mac was special to Harm. They had been to hell and back for each other without a trace of hesitation. Personally, Sturgis had never seen anything like it. The sense of devotion towards Sarah Mackenzie that emanated from Harmon Rabb, Jr. was indescribable, and the situation looked the same from both sides of the equation. Sarah Mackenzie adored Harmon Rabb, Jr. and it was more than evident. Two people that were made exclusively to complement each other.
"Harm...." Sturgis started hesitatingly. He was too intrigued by the dynamics of his two friends to stop his questioning now. Harm was obviously opening up, and he would bet his bubblehead six that Harm had never told Mac what he'd just said. Actually, he'd bet his bubblehead life that Harm hadn't figured this out until just now.
Harm looked up at his two friends and smiled slightly. "I love her. God knows I can't live without her. I'm done denying and burying the way I feel. My life goes as far as hers, and my happiness depends solely on hers. It scares the hell out of me that I feel this way but..."
"If you're done denying like you say, then why don't you just tell her you love her and get over your fears so you can both be happy?"
"Obviously, you're forgetting that she's missing!!" Sturgis was taken aback by Harm's reaction, and simply waited for him to calm down.
"I want to, but every time I try we end up like yesterday. Fighting. She's not just any woman. She's the one. We share things that most married couples only dream of. We finish each other's sentences. We read each other's thoughts. For God sakes, she found me in the ocean last year and God knows I heard her calling me the whole time I was out there fighting for my life. We're connected Sturgis, the day she dies, that'll be the day I die as well. Why can't you understand that this is NOT about having a girlfriend!"
"Don't you think she deserves to know this? Don't you want it all with her if you love her as much as you do?"
"I do love her. More than my own life, but it scares me. If we take our partnership to the next level and I end up losing her... I loved Diane, but it's not even close to what I feel for Mac. Mac is everything to me...I can't... I just can't take the chance..."
"Harm, I understand you're afraid. But Harm, what if you don't lose her? What if you finally end up happier than you ever thought with her? Isn't it worth the try?"
Harm sighed. "If we do get together and it does work... I mean..." Harm took a breath and looked up with troubled eyes. "How much closer can we get? How much more intense can this feelings get? People think we're married and in truth we haven't even slept together!"
Calming down a little from his ranting, he looked down at his shoes and spoke softly. "I've been in love with her so long. I don't know how I could love her anymore than I already do. I just don't know if there's any more of me to give, and I'm scared I'm just not enough for her. Scared that I can't love her as much as she deserves."
Silence fell among them as each tried to digest what Harm had just admitted to himself and his friends. AJ was astonished. Harm Rabb, Jr. was afraid of not being good enough. Similar thoughts had gone through his mind through the years, but he'd always believed it'd be Mac who'd be hesitant to start a relationship, given her past history with men. This outburst from Harm was a totally unexpected turn of events for both Sturgis and AJ, who, even if they'd deny it in a court of law, had been paying close attention to the developments in the Harm and Mac saga.
A scene from the news on the TV caught AJ's attention and he motioned for Sturgis to turn up the volume.
"Oh God, No!" Harm's cry started out as a whisper and ended as a desperate scream as he stood up and started towards the door. He didn't know what he would do, where he needed to go, what he needed to do. All he knew was that he had to get out, go somewhere, do something, not just sit there and feel sorry for himself. Just as he was reaching the door, his cell phone went off, and by some miracle he had the sense to answer it.
"Rabb"
"Harm, it's not her. Listen to me, Harm. The car they found wasn't Mac's"
"Clay... are you sure...I mean..."
"HARM! It's not her! I promise you"
"T-thank you, Clay... I..."
"We'll find her, Harm. I promise" and with that the CIA agent hung up, having effectively prevented Harm from doing God knows what.
AJ stood up quickly to stand next to Harm as he spoke to Webb, while Sturgis' eyes were still fixed on the monitor, where second before they'd heard the news of a red corvette that had been run off the road. The owner was a female, early 30's, about 5'8, brown hair... but it wasn't Mac. It couldn't be her.
"It's not her. God, it's not her" Harm kept repeating, over and over as he walked over to the couch to sit down before his knees gave out. Sturgis turned his eyes towards his friend. "Are you sure?"
"Clay said it wasn't her. He said they checked the scene, it wasn't her" His words were coming out in a rush, and with every breath the sudden fear that had just invaded him started to diminish. However, she was still nowhere to be found. Clay had no leads yet, and that was definitely not good news.
A few minutes passed before the three men regained their composure, and at once Harm's cell phone rang again, this time Harriet, asking the most obvious question, as she too had seen the news report. After assuring her that Mac wasn't involved in the accident, Harm sat back down and let his mind wander.
"Where are you, Mac?" he whispered repeatedly, oblivious to AJ and Sturgis who were intently gazing at him, concern etched on their faces. Standing up, AJ walked over to the kitchen to get Harm a glass of water, and Sturgis followed.
"Sir, what do you really think?"
"Sturgis, if Mac doesn't make it out of this, I'll be looking for two new lawyers." Sturgis simply nodded. Harm's earlier display of emotions was more than enough for them to realize the truth. Harm had said it himself. His life went as far as Mac's. If she didn't make it, Harm would stop living as well.
TBC
Authors: Damngunnyshot and LeE
Classification: Romance, Some Humor H/M
Disclaimers: JAG doesn't belong to us. It belongs to DPB and CBS. We were just having some fun...
A.N. from Shannon: When Lilly suggested writing a story together, I figured 'oh sure, that'll be fun. Lilly's a great writer. Shouldn't take us too long'. Two outta three ain't bad, right? It *was* fun and you *are* a great writer, and I would like to thank you for being a great co-author! Your humour has gotten me through this experience and it has been a pleasure to work with you. You, the readers, may notice inconsistencies with spellings of certain words. This used to be a direct result of an American (Lilly) co-authoring with a Canadian (me), although I think I'm rubbing off on her-she's starting to spell like a Canadian :-) LOL!!
A.N. from Lilly: Well, what a ride huh Shannon? We certainly had fun writing this, and you're right: it *was* fun, and it *did* take us longer than we expected, but hey! We got it done! :) I guess with both of us being beta readers as well as writers, it was bound to take a little longer...:) Well, if it were for me, this story would've been 1,000 pages long, so I know for a fact we never would've gotten all the ideas in paper had it not been for my great co-author that always kept us on the right track when the ideas were flying everywhere. Thanks Shannon!! As for my "inconsistencies" in spelling, well I can neither confirm nor deny that rumour (rumor?) LOL...
Feedback: If you feel inclined to do so, please send feedback to Lilly at lee_81881@yahoo.com or to Shannon at damngunnyshot@yahoo.com Thanks!
*FROM PART 4*
"Sir, Commander Rabb has assaulted me and these people are all witnesses to the crime. I insist that you detain Rabb and have him prosecuted for assault and conduct unbecoming an officer! Tell him, people, tell him how Rabb hit me and threatened me!"
Admiral Chegwidden surveyed those people in the bullpen. He saw them all look upon Jackson with contempt in their eyes. He heard nothing. Not even from Lt. Singer.
"*I* will decide who is charged with what around here. There seems to be no corroboration to your claim, Commander. Get out of here and don't come back unless and until you can provide me with evidence of your mental fitness to serve." As he stalked back to his office, AJ issued one more order. "Tiner, I'm leaving for the day. Have Commanders Rabb and Turner meet me at my residence."
PART 5
ADMIRAL'S RESIDENCE
MACLEAN, VA
1900 EST
With Harm and Sturgis carefully reviewing Mac's latest case files in the living room, AJ busied himself in the kitchen, where unknown to both his officers, he was fixing them dinner. Thinking over the situation, he sighed as he contemplated the wreck he'd have in his hands if Mac wasn't found soon. The wreck had a name and a face: Commander Harmon Rabb, Jr.
"So, how are you Harm?" Sturgis asked quietly as he pretended not to have something to talk about. Harm hadn't slept a wink the past few days, and Mac's sudden disappearance wasn't making it easier for Harm to deal with the fall out of the heated argument they'd had the day before.
"Mac is missing. How do you think I feel?" Harm said and Sturgis tried not to take his offensive tone to heart. If he had someone in his life that meant as much to him as Mac meant to Harm, he couldn't imagine feeling any better.
Sturgis sighed and started. "Harm we'll find her, you'll see"
"Uh huh" was all Harm answered, his eyes fixed on an invisible target beyond his friend. AJ found him this way as he strolled back into the living room, and announced dinner was ready. Minutes later, AJ and Sturgis were enjoying their meals, while Harm simply poked around with the fork. AJ sighed and looked over at Sturgis, who simply shook his head.
"Harm" AJ started. "Commander" he raised his voice a little, using his commanding voice to demand his subordinate's attention.
"Sorry, Sir. What did you say?" Harm asked, his eyes still not focused on the two military officers intently staring at him with worry.
"How are you holding up, son?"
"I'm fine, Sir. I'm sure we'll find her sooner or later. I mean, she's okay I'm sure" Harm uttered, attempting to convince himself as much as the two men sitting in front of him. Lowering his eyes, he tried once again to fight the tears and the frustration. Raising the fork to his mouth he took a bite of the wild rice and vegetables that AJ had prepared and offered a sad smile as he met Sturgis' eyes.
Some time later, they sat around in the living room in silence, as each of them tried to think of anything that could help them find Mac. Sturgis lifted his head from the file he was reviewing and silently scrutinized his friend's appearance. Harm looked like hell. That he hadn't slept was nothing new, but there was something else beyond his lack of physical well-being.
"Uh, Harm, do you mind if I ask you something, well, personal?"
'Oh, no,' Harm thought as he squirmed uncomfortably in his chair, causing Sturgis to cock an eyebrow at him. Never before had Sturgis seen Harm act this way. It was like he was 19 again, and getting ready for a punishment at the Academy for some irrational prank he'd been the leader of.
"Sure, Sturg. Ask away" he said a lot more confidently than he really felt as AJ looked on in interest.
"Well, I know I asked you before the Jagathon about you and Mac being more than friends, and you said that you weren't..."
Harm was so tired he merely motioned for Sturgis to go on. He knew where he was going with this line of questioning, and in his mind there was no way of avoiding hitting the iceberg. Frankly, he was damn tired of avoiding things in his life. Maybe it was time to come clean once and for all. Alarm bells went off, and the fear rose within him once again. He couldn't do it yet. Not before he talked to Mac. She had to be the first one to hear it. If he was ever to declare his love for her, he'd have to practice his speech, and it was too precious an occasion to waist on Sturgis, and respectfully, the Admiral. All this thought of Mac only made him remember the crude reality he was now facing. She was nowhere to be found, and if something happened to her he'd never forgive himself for not telling her the truth, for not telling her all that she deserved to know.
Sturgis sighed and plunged ahead. Maybe he could get through Harm's defenses now that he was tired and weary. Maybe Harm simply needed to let it all out, to talk it out once and for all. "Why don't you just tell her you love her?"
The Admiral stating he liked dressing as a woman would've surprised him less. Harm simply laughed. "Good Lord, Sturgis, no pity on your old buddy tonight?" He sobered up quickly and thought how to answer the question strategically so it wouldn't come back to bite him in the six. It usually happened when he opened his big mouth. But once these thoughts crossed his mind he pushed them aside. If Mac didn't come back, nothing he said or didn't say would matter anymore. Still, he couldn't make himself let go, he couldn't make himself say the words. He still looked for a way out.
"Sturgis, you're too idealistic" Harm said sadly, a futile attempt at diverting the attention from the real issue at hand.
AJ watched silently the emotions run across Harm's face. If there was something he was sure Harm was feeling, it was guilt. Harm and that damn hero complex.
"Harm, did you talk to her, you know, after you had that...uh...argument yesterday at the office" AJ asked, careful not to sound accusatory.
"No, Sir. She just left, and I well... I didn't call her or..." his face fell between his hands and his voice was dangerously close to breaking. "I should've called. I should've gone by to check on her, I mean, for all I know, she could've been in danger last night. If someone took her, I could've helped her, I should've..."
"Harm, blaming yourself won't make this any easier on any of us. It wasn't your fault"
"You don't get it, Admiral. I... I can't lose her. Not now, not ever" the sadness in his voice was enough to grip even the tough SEAL's heart.
"Why were you fighting, Harm? What happened? Was it a case?" Sturgis asked. Harm was very close to emotional overload, and he knew why. It'd been too long that Harm had kept his feeling locked in, tucked away where no one could judge him, or hurt him. But he also knew, that if Mac's disappearance turned out to be related to their argument, it was important for them to know exactly what had happened, even if it meant talking about the hateful words the whole office had heard.
"No, it was... well... I said some horrible things to her, and... "
"Why, Harm?"
"Because... I..." Harm stopped abruptly as he realized the things he was about to say, in front of his commanding officer, no less.
AJ finally had enough of Harm's dismissive attitude. A million things went through his head while he tried to justify what he was about to do. Meddling in the lives of his subordinates had never been his MO, but Harm and Mac were not just officers under his command, they were friends, who had been there for him when he'd needed them as well. Finally convinced from his reasoning, he addressed the junior officer.
"Harm, tell me the truth. Why? Why is it so hard for you two to get this right? Are you afraid of what would happen at JAG? Are you afraid she doesn't love you?"
Harm sighed and spoke with frustration. In normal circumstances, this line of questioning from his CO would unnerve him. At the moment, however, all he could process was that Mac was missing, and somehow talking about her helped him feel her close. "I've spent the better part of our years together trying to protect her from myself" Harm uttered, knowing he'd have to explain himself.
AJ and Sturgis simply looked at each other in surprise. "Why would you need to do that though? I mean, she's a grown woman, and if you two are as good friends as I think you are, then she should know what she's getting into, don't you think?" Sturgis tried to reason with him, but AJ just shook his head. He'd been around Harm and Mac way too long. He knew what Harm was getting at.
Harm went on. "Like I said. It's complicated. Don't you think if it were as easy as you put it we'd be married with children by now? I mean, I am closer to 40 than I am to 30 Sturgis, and that's not something that brightens my days and keeps me warm at night."
Frustration and a tad of desperation were starting to come through, and Sturgis quickly realized that maybe it wasn't as easy as he thought it was. These two souls had an impressive history of messing up, but it only seemed to strengthen the invisible bond they obviously shared.
"Harm, haven't you two talked about this? At all?" AJ asked gently, not sure how to handle Harm too well in these types of situations.
Harm sighed and once again buried his face in his hands. What was he supposed to tell him about? Australia? Her engagement party? The Indian Ocean? The Jagathon?
"Admiral, every time we try to talk one of us messes it up. I like our relationship now. I can see her and talk to her every day. We have dinner over case files and we can joke around each other like before without hurting each other. At least we could right up until Commander Jackass made his appearance at JAG" Harm finished with disgust, and AJ had to fight to contain his laughter at Harm's name for Commander Jackson. He'd done the same to Bugme...uh... Brumby. Pulling himself together, AJ continued, knowing that Harm talking like this about his feelings was as likely as a rocket hitting the Earth and extinguishing the human race.
AJ thought of questioning Harm about the obvious ass-kicking he'd handed Commander Jackson earlier at the office, but thought better of it. Judging by the things Harriet had related to him about the incident, he would've killed Jackson himself if he'd had the chance. Right now, Harm was on a roll, and he'd be damned if he didn't try to find out exactly what lay behind the officers' shielded personal relationship.
"But don't you think it's worth it, I mean, to give it a shot..."
Harm had enough. Why could no one understand him? With all the momentum of a frustrated 6'4" Naval Officer, he stood up in one swift motion and swung his long arms in the air conveying his annoyance.
"Damn it, a shot at what? A shot at getting her in bed? A shot at fighting and arguing like cats and dogs like we did after I left to fly? A shot at the possibility that it might not work out and end up losing each other for good? No way. I don't want to... I will not risk losing my best friend because I can't act like an adult and keep my hormones under wraps." He finished plummeting into the big chair he'd occupied before his outburst and burying his face in his hands.
Sturgis looked over flabbergasted at AJ, who merely shook his head in amazement. Sure, they knew Mac was special to Harm. They had been to hell and back for each other without a trace of hesitation. Personally, Sturgis had never seen anything like it. The sense of devotion towards Sarah Mackenzie that emanated from Harmon Rabb, Jr. was indescribable, and the situation looked the same from both sides of the equation. Sarah Mackenzie adored Harmon Rabb, Jr. and it was more than evident. Two people that were made exclusively to complement each other.
"Harm...." Sturgis started hesitatingly. He was too intrigued by the dynamics of his two friends to stop his questioning now. Harm was obviously opening up, and he would bet his bubblehead six that Harm had never told Mac what he'd just said. Actually, he'd bet his bubblehead life that Harm hadn't figured this out until just now.
Harm looked up at his two friends and smiled slightly. "I love her. God knows I can't live without her. I'm done denying and burying the way I feel. My life goes as far as hers, and my happiness depends solely on hers. It scares the hell out of me that I feel this way but..."
"If you're done denying like you say, then why don't you just tell her you love her and get over your fears so you can both be happy?"
"Obviously, you're forgetting that she's missing!!" Sturgis was taken aback by Harm's reaction, and simply waited for him to calm down.
"I want to, but every time I try we end up like yesterday. Fighting. She's not just any woman. She's the one. We share things that most married couples only dream of. We finish each other's sentences. We read each other's thoughts. For God sakes, she found me in the ocean last year and God knows I heard her calling me the whole time I was out there fighting for my life. We're connected Sturgis, the day she dies, that'll be the day I die as well. Why can't you understand that this is NOT about having a girlfriend!"
"Don't you think she deserves to know this? Don't you want it all with her if you love her as much as you do?"
"I do love her. More than my own life, but it scares me. If we take our partnership to the next level and I end up losing her... I loved Diane, but it's not even close to what I feel for Mac. Mac is everything to me...I can't... I just can't take the chance..."
"Harm, I understand you're afraid. But Harm, what if you don't lose her? What if you finally end up happier than you ever thought with her? Isn't it worth the try?"
Harm sighed. "If we do get together and it does work... I mean..." Harm took a breath and looked up with troubled eyes. "How much closer can we get? How much more intense can this feelings get? People think we're married and in truth we haven't even slept together!"
Calming down a little from his ranting, he looked down at his shoes and spoke softly. "I've been in love with her so long. I don't know how I could love her anymore than I already do. I just don't know if there's any more of me to give, and I'm scared I'm just not enough for her. Scared that I can't love her as much as she deserves."
Silence fell among them as each tried to digest what Harm had just admitted to himself and his friends. AJ was astonished. Harm Rabb, Jr. was afraid of not being good enough. Similar thoughts had gone through his mind through the years, but he'd always believed it'd be Mac who'd be hesitant to start a relationship, given her past history with men. This outburst from Harm was a totally unexpected turn of events for both Sturgis and AJ, who, even if they'd deny it in a court of law, had been paying close attention to the developments in the Harm and Mac saga.
A scene from the news on the TV caught AJ's attention and he motioned for Sturgis to turn up the volume.
"Oh God, No!" Harm's cry started out as a whisper and ended as a desperate scream as he stood up and started towards the door. He didn't know what he would do, where he needed to go, what he needed to do. All he knew was that he had to get out, go somewhere, do something, not just sit there and feel sorry for himself. Just as he was reaching the door, his cell phone went off, and by some miracle he had the sense to answer it.
"Rabb"
"Harm, it's not her. Listen to me, Harm. The car they found wasn't Mac's"
"Clay... are you sure...I mean..."
"HARM! It's not her! I promise you"
"T-thank you, Clay... I..."
"We'll find her, Harm. I promise" and with that the CIA agent hung up, having effectively prevented Harm from doing God knows what.
AJ stood up quickly to stand next to Harm as he spoke to Webb, while Sturgis' eyes were still fixed on the monitor, where second before they'd heard the news of a red corvette that had been run off the road. The owner was a female, early 30's, about 5'8, brown hair... but it wasn't Mac. It couldn't be her.
"It's not her. God, it's not her" Harm kept repeating, over and over as he walked over to the couch to sit down before his knees gave out. Sturgis turned his eyes towards his friend. "Are you sure?"
"Clay said it wasn't her. He said they checked the scene, it wasn't her" His words were coming out in a rush, and with every breath the sudden fear that had just invaded him started to diminish. However, she was still nowhere to be found. Clay had no leads yet, and that was definitely not good news.
A few minutes passed before the three men regained their composure, and at once Harm's cell phone rang again, this time Harriet, asking the most obvious question, as she too had seen the news report. After assuring her that Mac wasn't involved in the accident, Harm sat back down and let his mind wander.
"Where are you, Mac?" he whispered repeatedly, oblivious to AJ and Sturgis who were intently gazing at him, concern etched on their faces. Standing up, AJ walked over to the kitchen to get Harm a glass of water, and Sturgis followed.
"Sir, what do you really think?"
"Sturgis, if Mac doesn't make it out of this, I'll be looking for two new lawyers." Sturgis simply nodded. Harm's earlier display of emotions was more than enough for them to realize the truth. Harm had said it himself. His life went as far as Mac's. If she didn't make it, Harm would stop living as well.
TBC