Chapter 1: I Want to Feel
A girl with blue hair, and red eyes stared at the ceiling of her apartment. It wasn't because there was something interesting on the ceiling. It also wasn't because she was bored. The loud sounds of construction work outside of her windows could still be heard by the pilot of Unit 00, therefore she had not zoned out.
Rei Ayanami was sprawled across her bead in her school uniform, staring at the ceiling because it was the only thing she could do while in deep concentration. Another alternative would be to float in a massive tank of LCL but she had long discovered that she would stay away from the liquid for as much as she could. It wasn't exactly what someone would call a pleasant feeling to be caged in a tube of green liquids. So she was lying on her bed, unchanged, staring at her ceiling.
Finally, after a few long hours she let out a small sigh.
"I still do not understand" she whispered.
^ What is it that I feel towards Pilot Ikari, and how is it different from the way I feel about Commander? Why did Pilot Ikari say that he cared for me? ^
She let out another small sigh. She was totally lost now, her train of thoughts about Shinji had troubled her mind for the past three days since the defeat of the 5th angel. She did not understand the feeling, as it was the first time she had felt something like this. She also did not know who to ask for help, or if she even should.
^ Is this something I should figure out for myself? ^ She thought solemnly.
So many questions, and not an answer for any of them.
She sighed and tried to go back to bed, as she had school tomorrow and then synch tests later on in the evening. She would need all the rest she could get.
However, another hour had pasted by when she finally gave up. Looking at the small clock in the corner of her apartment beside her other small collection of possessives, she was able to see that it was already well past 2 am in the morning.
^ Maybe I'll go take a walk ^ she decided.
^ Yes, a walk for fresh air and oxygen will help my brain think of answers for all the questions I have ^
She silently got out of bed, and entered the bathroom. After splashing cold water on her face for a minute or two she took one of her towels hanging on the wall and dried off. It was always cold water, hot water in her opinion was an unneeded luxury that many people had. The commander had offered her a better location for an apartment but she had politely refused and had picked the small and messy apartment she was living in at the moment. She did not see the need to live in luxury and expense in such a dangerous and cold world. An angel attack could happen any day, she had learned long ago to be prepared for death, and not to fear it. She knew that some strange reason that even though the Commander cared a great deal about her, even more than his own son, that she was expendable in the missions against the angels. She did not know how she knew, or even why she knew. But she knew.
She looked quietly at her image in the small mirror hanging above the sink and slowly reached out with one delicate hand to touch it. What she saw would have impressed many people and not only because of her celestial beauty, it was also because of the crimson eyes. She hated them, and she knew that almost every time that someone stared at her it was because of her deep red eyes. Another thing that might have accounted for their stares was because of her beauty. She had come to the realization long ago that it was just meant to be. She did not use cosmetics or lotions or anything of the sort. It just came...naturally. She honestly did not care about her appearance, because to her, it was nothing but a temporary form. After she died, and of which she was sure to happen one day, this body would be cast away and forgotten about.
She put her towel back on the rack and quietly walked to her door and put her shoes on. Even with her shoes on, she made no noise as she walked steadily and calmly down the stairs of her apartment.
She didn't mind unnecessary noise, because if she did she wouldn't be living in the apartment she lived in right now. She just didn't see a need to make noise if u didn't have to.
So she walked silently on down the streets of Tokyo 3.
After a short walk however, she came upon a very familiar building.
^ Captain Katsuragi's residence...^ she thought calmly until another thought hit her.
^ Ikari-kun lives with her... ^
She did not realize it but by the time she had snapped out of her world of thoughts about the Commander's son she was standing at the door to his apartment.
^ I wonder what he is doing right now ^ she thought to herself as she reached up to ring the doorbell.
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"Ayanami" Shinji whispered with a clenched throat as she drew her face even nearer to his.
She had come to his house in the middle of the night seeking release from her problems and now it had finally come to them being in his room and her asking him to kiss her.
She was now so close to him that their noses were practically touching and he could feel her soft breath on his face. He could also smell her clean scent, how he loved that scent. To him, she smelled nothing less of a celestial angel. And not that ones that came down to earth destroying everything in their path, the ones that were in heaven praying and singing to and about God.
"Shinji-kun" she whispered as they grew even closer. "Will you kiss me?" she purred softly and almost seductively.
And then she closed the distance between them.
Shinji's mind went blank and his heart exploded as she tenderly kissed him. The first kiss he had ever had in his life, and he also had a strong suspicion that it was her first too. Her arms moved around him to his back as she pressed him tightly against her.
^ Damn ^ he thought happily. ^ I must be in the zone of pure happiness ^ he thought to himself as he finally loosened up and brought his hands to the back of her hand and to her back to also deepen the kiss.
Unfortunately, as everything has a beginning everything also has an end.
She slowly broke the kiss and after gazing softly into his eyes for a few minutes she whispered one word.
"Quargh?"
"Um.. Ayanami???"
"QUARGH!!!" squawked a very mad and hungry warm blooded penguin by the name of Pen Pen.
"DAMMNIT!!!" Shinji cried out in frustration. "What a beautiful time to wake up!!!" he literally screamed as he threw a glare at the penguin that would have killed all the angels in a single blow. Pen Pen however, was unfazed.
"Quargh" he squawked again waiting for his midnight snack.
"Fine fine fine fine fine just hold you horses!" Shinji retorted. He swore, every single bloody time he had a fantasy dream he was always rudely interrupted by the warm blooded penguin. As he set the sardines onto Pen Pen's food bowl the doorbell rang.
The pilot of Unit 01 shot one more glare at the penguin who in return squawked gratefully for the meal oblivious to the pain he had caused the boy.
^ Did Misato leave her keys at home or something? ^ He thought idly to himself while he got up to open the door.
^ She's not usually this forgetful. Messy, yes, but not forgetful ^
He opened the door absent mindedly and turned around right away to go back to his room to see if he would be lucky enough to dream of Rei again. The beautiful girl who was not only his co-worker but also his classmate. Although she hardly ever attended classes. She was readily absent for almost a half of the entire school year as she was always going to NERV for some reason involving Evas.
This Shinji totally did not understand, technically speaking, he was ALSO a pilot, but why then did the blue haired girl spend at least double the time at NERV Headquarters that he did? And if it was for training why then was her synch ratio still so low compared to his?
As he slowly trudged to his room he noticed that the person at the door still had not moved and was waiting for him to say something.
"There's a new case of beer in the fridge if that's what you were wondering Misato-san" he said sleepily.
"Hello Ikari-kun" replied the soft voice at the door.
Shinji tripped over the air and landed right next Pen Pen who was busy feeding himself from the fish that Shinji had so graciously provided only a few seconds ago.
The boy hurriedly got up and turned to stand face to face with the curious face of no one either than the girl of his dreams.
"Ayanami." he breathed.
"Are you alright Pilot Ikari?" she asked with a curious look etched all over her face.
"Yes, I am fine, thank you...why do you ask Ayanami?"
She shook her head as she took a step back and her face went back to the emotionless mask.
"I just found it interesting that you should trip while walking even though there is evidently nothing in the way of your feet for you to trip on."
And sure enough it was, the apartment was spotless. Even though Misato is not what we would call a tidy person Shinji was the exact opposite. He was a neat freak. It had come from his old sensei that he used to live with back before he had come to Tokyo 3. One of the first things that his Sensei had taught him to do when he was living with him was to be polite and mind his manners. The second thing that was taught to him was to be organize, and neat. Thus, the now Shinji who was both polite and neat.
"Well, um...I...um...did not expect you to come over at a time like this.." he stuttered taking a quick glance at the clock that read 3 a.m. in the morning. Apparently, his sensei had not taught him how to socialize with others very well and thus, the stuttering fool.
"."
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"Am I not welcome here Pilot Ikari?"
"NO!" he almost shouted and after seeing the slightingly widening of her eyes he quickly corrected himself.
"It's just that...it's very late." he managed to choke out. Which was very true mind you.
"I understand." she replied softly as she turned to leave but stopped when he heard his voice again.
"Wait...Ayanami...why did you come here for?"
She slowly turned around until she was staring into his beautiful brown eyes.
"I." she slowly started. "I came to ask you something...that I do not understand"
Shinji had a mild look of surprise on his face that said 'At 3 o'clock in the morning???' as he replied.
"Ok then, what would you like to ask me?"
"The same question I asked you after the attack. Why do you care for me?"
Shinji had a stupefied look on his face.
^ Damn, and I thought I had gotten away from the question...Apparently she still remembers...what to say...what to say...what to say...^
As he quietly contemplated on what he would respond to the mysterious blue haired beauty standing in front of him Rei took the chance to look over his apartment noticing the vast difference between his and hers. Evidently, he and the captain did not share the same view of simplicity that she did. She also noticed that they had a...penguin living with them.
^ How odd ^ she thought with small interest as she remembered reading about them once in a textbook at school when the teacher had decided to give them a break from the 'Second Impact' lecture. However, according to what she read, they were supposedly cold blooded animals that lived in the southern continent of Antarctica. Or whatever remained of it after the Second Impact that is.
"I do not know how to explain." he finally blurted out. "It is just a feeling that I have about you that makes me care for you" he said and his cheeks flushed slightly.
"Feeling?" her cool voice inquired.
"Yes.."
"What is a feeling? Pilot Ikari" she whispered.
NOW Shinji was shocked.
"What do you mean what is a feeling??? Don't you know???"
"I don't feel" she confessed.
"Of course you do Ayanami!" he literally cried out a little too loud. "Every single living being on the face of this God forsaken planet has feelings, even animals!"
"Then maybe I have not discovered my feelings yet" she concluded as she turned to leave again but was stopped again but this time however, by his firm grip on her hand.
Rei blinked in surprise as she turned around to face the boy who had held her hand...no...he was STILL holding her hand. No one in her lifetime had ever touched her whenever it was unnecessary, not Doctor Akagi, none of her classmates, not even the Commander. But here he was, holding onto her arm as he slowly inhaled air to say what he wanted to say.
"I...can help you Ayanami"
"There is nothing you can help me with Pilot Ikari" she replied with an icy tone, evidently not exactly happy that she was experiencing unnecessary physical contact for the first time in her entire life.
Shinji winced at her cruel words but they only made him tighten his grip on her delicate and after a while as he noticed very soft arm. He genuinely wondered how someone as delicate as her was able to pilot an evangelion.
"I can help you discover your feelings" he said with a little more confidence in his voice.
Rei was only able to stare at him.
"Why would you do something like this Pilot Ikari? It has no benefit towards you"
Shinji winced again as he noticed the way this girl was brought up. But his resolve did not fade a tiny bit.
"I'm doing this because I care for you" he said slightly proud of himself for being so direct to the girl standing in front of him that was ALWAYS direct.
"And you do not know why you care for me, as it is just a feeling. And you want to help me discover these feelings. Why?"
Shinji cringed this time inside AND outside.
^ Man, why is she doing this ^ he thought furiously as he thought again for an excuse.
Finally, he said the three words that made the most sense to him at the current situation.
"Why not? Ayanami?" he asked her softly as he lessened his tight grip on her arm as it didn't seem she was going anywhere soon. How wrong he was.
She pulled free from his grip and left his apartment leaving a stunned Shinji standing there at the doorway staring at her retreating figure. However, after a few seconds of thinking he quickly raced out the door slamming it shut as he took off after her. It didn't take him long to catch up to her. Even though she was fit form all the swimming that she did, she did not compare to him when it came to sprinting.
It was starting to rain.
Heavily.
This time, he grabbed BOTH her arms and turned her around to face him.
"Ayanami!" he shouted angrily. "Why won't you let me help you???"
Rei just stared into his brown eyes as if doing so would relate the answer to him. They stood there for three minutes...in the pouring rain before she finally decided to answer him.
"I am nothing."
This brought tears flowing to Shinji's eyes although if Rei hadn't been watching them carefully she would have missed the tears because of the rain. She realized that he was crying for her again. Why? She kept asking herself.
^ Father...what have you DONE to Rei you bastard! ^ He mentally shouted at his father.
^ You have made her an emotionless doll damnit! ^ he shook as he cursed his father in his mind while Rei continued stare at him not knowing what to do.
The rain continued to pour.
"Ayanami...you say that you are nothing...but to me...you are someone that I care for" he choked out between his fits of shaking with anger towards his father.
Rei was once again at a lost of words for what to say. She had never encountered such a situation on where someone would openly express feelings to her like this. It was an entirely new concept. She had to admit, it was unnerving to see the boy in this state, not to mention they were still standing in the middle of the sidewalk in the pouring rain. But deep down inside, she felt warm.
^ It's that warmness again ^ she realized. ^ The same warmness I felt after the attack when he helped me get out of the entry plug. ^
They continued to stand there, staring deep into each others eyes while the rain poured down on them.
Finally, Rei shivered from the coldness, an action not unnoticed by Shinji. He let go of her left hand and led her by her right hand down the street not saying a single word as they trekked across the deserted streets. Not a sound could be heard besides the rain that hit the sidewalk that they were walking on. They passed building after building, hand in hand, silently, walking.
It wasn't until they entered the building did Rei notice that he had brought her back to her own apartment. He silently led her to her own room. Room 402 it read as he opened it. Knowing that there wouldn't be a lock as she did not deem it necessary.
After they were inside he let go of her hand and turned to face her, finally ready to say the speech that he had prepared on their walk to her place.
"Ayanami, I know that you have grown up with my father, a man who has killed his own emotions only God knows how long ago. But I want you to know this, you are not a no-one. You are a human being. You are you. You are Rei Ayanami, age 14, pilot of Unit 00, living in Tokyo 3. You have to eat and sleep just like everyone else on this world. And since you are a human being, you also have feelings. I know that you haven't yet discovered these feelings or maybe you just do not like showing them to people. Either way it doesn't have to be like this. At school you look alone, even when you're talking to me you look lonely. I see it in your eyes. Why you won't release your emotions I don't know. I want to help you but you won't let me, something must have happened to you for you to behave like this but I don't know and I will never know because you won't open up to me. I can't help but think that this is my father's fault for raising you like this. Even if my mother died it is no excuse for him to have done this to you. Since he was my father I felt it was my responsibility to help uncover the emotions you have in you since he has obviously made you cover them up. But I was wrong. Until you learn to open up to people around you then you'll never to feel. And if that happens then you WILL be the doll that people in school call you. I thought that I could help you overcome this barrier, and I was wrong. All I can hope now is that you come back to your senses and don't let my father brainwash you with his ideas on how you should be."
He turned around and left her apartment and slowly began to walk back to his own place.
^ I didn't know I was capable of being so direct ^ he thought to himself feeling proud of himself. He seriously wished that the girl would take her mask off. He genuinely did, but he wouldn't be able to help her with that. It was something she had to do by herself. However, he couldn't help but feel guilty at being so harsh to her. He shook the thoughts out of his head.
^ It was for her own good ^ he told himself as he finally reached his own place. But as he walked up the stairs the sense of guilt kept growing. It grew to the point that by the time he reached his door he was angry at himself for being so harsh and blunt on a person who didn't know better. It wasn't her fault, it was his father's. He should be there teaching her how to open up and instead he had just let his steam intended for his father upon her. Man he felt guilty and started to walk back to her apartment.
He exited the building and noticed that it was still raining outside.
It was still raining.
^ I wonder when it will stop ^ he thought silently as he picked up his pace into a run.
Rei Ayanami stood at the door, shock etched all over her face from the brutality of Shinji's words. She did not know that he was capable of being so direct.
However, the words had hurt and she felt a pang in her heart when he had said these to her and felt the pang turn into hurt as he had left.
"Now even Ikari hates me." she whispered silently to herself as the shock wore off.
She slowly walked over to her bed not caring about the state that she and her clothes were in, in other words wet. She slowly descended down on the bed and surprisingly began to cry.
She felt her eyes well up and let the tears slide down.
^ Tears ^ she thought in her mind as she slowly closed her eyes and let the sounds of the rain drops against the roof disappear entirely from her ears.
Shinji was outside of the room 402 once again. This time, panting and heaving from the efforts of not only running through the wind and the rain on the streets, but from running up all the flights of the stairs.
^ What a night this turned out to be ^ he thought glumly as he stared at the door.
Knowing that it was inevitable, he knocked at the door softly.
No one answered.
He knocked again, this time a little harder than the first time.
Again, no answer.
He sighed as he realized that she wasn't going to answer, he slowly put his hand on the door knob and turned it.
Rei opened her eyes as she heard the sound of her door open. But she did not care anymore.
^ Even Ikari-kun hates me now ^
The words bounced around inside her head but never disappeared. Reappearing again...and again...and again.
^ Even Ikari-kun hates me now ^
She hadn't meant for the night to turn out like this...she really hadn't. She had wanted to find out more about herself and her relation to Shinji but had been afraid.
Afraid.
Fear.
Fear of what would happen when she did uncover her mask that she tried so hard all these years to keep on. The mask that the Commander had told her to put on in order to avoid harassment and being bothered by other 'unnecessary' people.
Her thoughts finally returned to the matter of the person at the door, but she did not find the strength in herself to get up and confront whoever it was. She was weak.
If it was a burglar there was nothing for him or her to take. If it was someone that had come to rape or kill her...so be it.
She slowly closed her eyes again as she waited for whoever that had entered her apartment to make their presence known.
Shinji slowly breathed as he sighted Rei's form huddled up on the bed. However, the sight of her shaking the way she was was disturbing.
^ She's mad at me, she doesn't want to see my face ^
He slowly turned around to exit her apartment again but stopped when he heard a sob.
He gasped and looked at Rei's form to see that she was visibly shaking...and it wasn't from the cold. The sobs continued but Shinji couldn't see the tears as her back was turned towards him. He slowly willed himself forward to the side of the bed that she faced. True enough, even though her eyes were tightly shut he could easily see the tears that now streamed down her beautiful face.
He hung his head in shame. Out of all of the things that he had wanted to do when he came to Tokyo 3, hurting Rei was definitely not one of them. And now he felt like scum. How he wished that she would stand up and slap him, yell at him, or even tell him to go away. Anything. Anything to tell him that he was garbage for hurting her. But nothing ever came. She just continued to lay there...still shaking...and still crying.
Finally, Shinji couldn't take it anymore.
"Rei." he said softly, not even realizing that he had just used her first name.
She opened her eyes and brushed away her tears so they would not blur her vision. And it turned out that her ears had not deceived her. Shinji had come back. But why? She got up and wiped the remaining of her tears away and turned to face him.
"Yes?" she asked softly, the pain in her voice so evident that someone half deaf would have been able to hear it.
Shinji fell onto his knees and started crying all the tears that had built inside him for the past 14 years. He continued sobbing as the rain outside intensified even more with an added effect of lightning and thunder.
Slowly raising his eyes to meet hers he was finally able to say what he wanted to say.
"Ayanami...I am so sorry."
"I am so sorry for all the terrible things I said to you earlier. Ever since I was a child my mother had died in a test with the Evas. Ever since then my father's emotions died with her and he left me with one of my old teachers that he trusted to raise me. When he called me back, I thought it was because he was sorry for what he had done and had wanted to apologize and take me back. But I wrong...again. He called me back because I had a use. He wanted me to pilot Unit 01. When I refused he ordered me to leave. I was so sad then, I would have left Tokyo 3 forever and not come back. But then he told you to pilot, and when I saw you all hurt and bleeding from injuries you suffered before I felt that I had to stay. I had to stay to pilot so that you would not have to. If I piloted and u didn't, then you wouldn't get hurt again like you were before. When you fell into my arms and were in pain I felt my heart break. I decided I would stay. Not to please my father, and not to gain any recognition for piloting an evangelion. I would stay to protect you. But I haven't been doing a very good job on protecting you. Your life was put in danger because of my incapability to fire the positron rifle at the angel. And now I just hurt you again."
He couldn't continue his speech as his will finally gave in to the grief he had inside him and a new river a tears gushed out from his eyes again.
Rei stared at him in shock. She had never expected him to come back to see her again, and now all this. All these things that he told her, what did they mean? Was this what he called 'opening up'? She did not know, because she had never been told. But in a situation like this, she knew what to do.
She kneeled down in front of him and lifted his chin up so that she could look at him in the eye. At first he was hesitant to open u his eyes, but after a little while he opened up his eyes and almost died of shock.
Kneeling down in front of him, in her very wet school uniform, was Rei Ayanami.
Smiling at him.
^ That smile...the same smile she did for me after the attack of the fifth...the smile that she didn't even give to my father...her smile...for me...^
As the realization hit him hard and fast that she did in fact care for him, he couldn't take it anymore.
He lunged at her and wrapped his arms around her in a tight embrace. Sobbing as hard as the rain was pelting the windows just outside. The thunder rolled on as both of the children let out their tears, crying for all they were worth.
When the crying finally subsided Rei took the initiative of speaking to him.
"Ikari-kun" she whispered.
"Yes? Ayanami?"
She inhaled and exhaled as she chose her words carefully.
"Ikari." she started
"Shinji" he interrupted her.
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"Call me Shinji" he quietly said.
She nodded ok.
"Shinji."
"Yes Rei?"
The surprise showed on her face as he used her first name, but nevertheless, she continued on.
"I want to feel."
Shinji felt the tears brim to his eyes again.
"You are crying again...Shinji...why are you sad?"
Shinji placed one finger on her lips to silent her before he gave her his answer.
"People cry for two reasons Rei. One reason is because of sorrow, which we both experienced now long ago." He took a pause to make sure that she was following along and continued when she nodded.
"And sometimes, people cry for joy." he stated "like I am doing now."
Rei felt her own tears rise to her eyes as she finally understood the true meaning of his words.
This time, she was the one to throw herself at him and embrace him as tight as she could, as if he would disappear the minute she released her grip on him. He was only too happy to oblige and held onto her tightly too.
"I want to feel." she whispered one more time into his ear as they slowly fell asleep on the floor in each other's arms.
And outside.
The rain stopped.
To Be Continued.
A/N: Well well, I definitely hoped that this was an improvement from my prologue. I think I might be starting to get a hang of this. I realize that I went way OCC in this chapter for both Rei and Shinji in this chapter especially Shinji. As it is evident in the series that he would not have the guts to do what he did in this chapter. However, you have to realize that when you're mad or sad you just don't behave how you usually do...you should all know that. Therefore when he heard her say that she was nothing and had no feelings, his anger for his dad exploded and so did his sympathy for her and thus you get the result of the Shinji speeches. Perhaps this should have been put in the prologue, I'm not sure but in the next chapters ( no I don't know how many I will do anymore, I originally planned to just do 6 but with the short length of these chapters I might have to go longer than that ) I will have it go normally as it goes through the series but of course with a change of their feelings towards each other and others including Asuka. They will continue their fights with the angels and everything and I don't know if I should go to the end of episode 26 or go all the way past 'End of Evangelion'. Really don't know, and I would appreciate it if you guys gave me a mail or in the review board on which one I should do. I'll try to get the chapters up fast if you guys are even reading them hehe...Don't expect anyone to read this stuff I'm typing out...far from the quality works that some people out there are putting on the screens. But anyways...I really appreciated the review I received and I'll ask you again to review cuz I want to hear from you guys what you think of my writing.
Till the next chapter! Ja-ne!!
TrentNight liquid_vivi@hotmail.com
A girl with blue hair, and red eyes stared at the ceiling of her apartment. It wasn't because there was something interesting on the ceiling. It also wasn't because she was bored. The loud sounds of construction work outside of her windows could still be heard by the pilot of Unit 00, therefore she had not zoned out.
Rei Ayanami was sprawled across her bead in her school uniform, staring at the ceiling because it was the only thing she could do while in deep concentration. Another alternative would be to float in a massive tank of LCL but she had long discovered that she would stay away from the liquid for as much as she could. It wasn't exactly what someone would call a pleasant feeling to be caged in a tube of green liquids. So she was lying on her bed, unchanged, staring at her ceiling.
Finally, after a few long hours she let out a small sigh.
"I still do not understand" she whispered.
^ What is it that I feel towards Pilot Ikari, and how is it different from the way I feel about Commander? Why did Pilot Ikari say that he cared for me? ^
She let out another small sigh. She was totally lost now, her train of thoughts about Shinji had troubled her mind for the past three days since the defeat of the 5th angel. She did not understand the feeling, as it was the first time she had felt something like this. She also did not know who to ask for help, or if she even should.
^ Is this something I should figure out for myself? ^ She thought solemnly.
So many questions, and not an answer for any of them.
She sighed and tried to go back to bed, as she had school tomorrow and then synch tests later on in the evening. She would need all the rest she could get.
However, another hour had pasted by when she finally gave up. Looking at the small clock in the corner of her apartment beside her other small collection of possessives, she was able to see that it was already well past 2 am in the morning.
^ Maybe I'll go take a walk ^ she decided.
^ Yes, a walk for fresh air and oxygen will help my brain think of answers for all the questions I have ^
She silently got out of bed, and entered the bathroom. After splashing cold water on her face for a minute or two she took one of her towels hanging on the wall and dried off. It was always cold water, hot water in her opinion was an unneeded luxury that many people had. The commander had offered her a better location for an apartment but she had politely refused and had picked the small and messy apartment she was living in at the moment. She did not see the need to live in luxury and expense in such a dangerous and cold world. An angel attack could happen any day, she had learned long ago to be prepared for death, and not to fear it. She knew that some strange reason that even though the Commander cared a great deal about her, even more than his own son, that she was expendable in the missions against the angels. She did not know how she knew, or even why she knew. But she knew.
She looked quietly at her image in the small mirror hanging above the sink and slowly reached out with one delicate hand to touch it. What she saw would have impressed many people and not only because of her celestial beauty, it was also because of the crimson eyes. She hated them, and she knew that almost every time that someone stared at her it was because of her deep red eyes. Another thing that might have accounted for their stares was because of her beauty. She had come to the realization long ago that it was just meant to be. She did not use cosmetics or lotions or anything of the sort. It just came...naturally. She honestly did not care about her appearance, because to her, it was nothing but a temporary form. After she died, and of which she was sure to happen one day, this body would be cast away and forgotten about.
She put her towel back on the rack and quietly walked to her door and put her shoes on. Even with her shoes on, she made no noise as she walked steadily and calmly down the stairs of her apartment.
She didn't mind unnecessary noise, because if she did she wouldn't be living in the apartment she lived in right now. She just didn't see a need to make noise if u didn't have to.
So she walked silently on down the streets of Tokyo 3.
After a short walk however, she came upon a very familiar building.
^ Captain Katsuragi's residence...^ she thought calmly until another thought hit her.
^ Ikari-kun lives with her... ^
She did not realize it but by the time she had snapped out of her world of thoughts about the Commander's son she was standing at the door to his apartment.
^ I wonder what he is doing right now ^ she thought to herself as she reached up to ring the doorbell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Ayanami" Shinji whispered with a clenched throat as she drew her face even nearer to his.
She had come to his house in the middle of the night seeking release from her problems and now it had finally come to them being in his room and her asking him to kiss her.
She was now so close to him that their noses were practically touching and he could feel her soft breath on his face. He could also smell her clean scent, how he loved that scent. To him, she smelled nothing less of a celestial angel. And not that ones that came down to earth destroying everything in their path, the ones that were in heaven praying and singing to and about God.
"Shinji-kun" she whispered as they grew even closer. "Will you kiss me?" she purred softly and almost seductively.
And then she closed the distance between them.
Shinji's mind went blank and his heart exploded as she tenderly kissed him. The first kiss he had ever had in his life, and he also had a strong suspicion that it was her first too. Her arms moved around him to his back as she pressed him tightly against her.
^ Damn ^ he thought happily. ^ I must be in the zone of pure happiness ^ he thought to himself as he finally loosened up and brought his hands to the back of her hand and to her back to also deepen the kiss.
Unfortunately, as everything has a beginning everything also has an end.
She slowly broke the kiss and after gazing softly into his eyes for a few minutes she whispered one word.
"Quargh?"
"Um.. Ayanami???"
"QUARGH!!!" squawked a very mad and hungry warm blooded penguin by the name of Pen Pen.
"DAMMNIT!!!" Shinji cried out in frustration. "What a beautiful time to wake up!!!" he literally screamed as he threw a glare at the penguin that would have killed all the angels in a single blow. Pen Pen however, was unfazed.
"Quargh" he squawked again waiting for his midnight snack.
"Fine fine fine fine fine just hold you horses!" Shinji retorted. He swore, every single bloody time he had a fantasy dream he was always rudely interrupted by the warm blooded penguin. As he set the sardines onto Pen Pen's food bowl the doorbell rang.
The pilot of Unit 01 shot one more glare at the penguin who in return squawked gratefully for the meal oblivious to the pain he had caused the boy.
^ Did Misato leave her keys at home or something? ^ He thought idly to himself while he got up to open the door.
^ She's not usually this forgetful. Messy, yes, but not forgetful ^
He opened the door absent mindedly and turned around right away to go back to his room to see if he would be lucky enough to dream of Rei again. The beautiful girl who was not only his co-worker but also his classmate. Although she hardly ever attended classes. She was readily absent for almost a half of the entire school year as she was always going to NERV for some reason involving Evas.
This Shinji totally did not understand, technically speaking, he was ALSO a pilot, but why then did the blue haired girl spend at least double the time at NERV Headquarters that he did? And if it was for training why then was her synch ratio still so low compared to his?
As he slowly trudged to his room he noticed that the person at the door still had not moved and was waiting for him to say something.
"There's a new case of beer in the fridge if that's what you were wondering Misato-san" he said sleepily.
"Hello Ikari-kun" replied the soft voice at the door.
Shinji tripped over the air and landed right next Pen Pen who was busy feeding himself from the fish that Shinji had so graciously provided only a few seconds ago.
The boy hurriedly got up and turned to stand face to face with the curious face of no one either than the girl of his dreams.
"Ayanami." he breathed.
"Are you alright Pilot Ikari?" she asked with a curious look etched all over her face.
"Yes, I am fine, thank you...why do you ask Ayanami?"
She shook her head as she took a step back and her face went back to the emotionless mask.
"I just found it interesting that you should trip while walking even though there is evidently nothing in the way of your feet for you to trip on."
And sure enough it was, the apartment was spotless. Even though Misato is not what we would call a tidy person Shinji was the exact opposite. He was a neat freak. It had come from his old sensei that he used to live with back before he had come to Tokyo 3. One of the first things that his Sensei had taught him to do when he was living with him was to be polite and mind his manners. The second thing that was taught to him was to be organize, and neat. Thus, the now Shinji who was both polite and neat.
"Well, um...I...um...did not expect you to come over at a time like this.." he stuttered taking a quick glance at the clock that read 3 a.m. in the morning. Apparently, his sensei had not taught him how to socialize with others very well and thus, the stuttering fool.
"."
"."
"Am I not welcome here Pilot Ikari?"
"NO!" he almost shouted and after seeing the slightingly widening of her eyes he quickly corrected himself.
"It's just that...it's very late." he managed to choke out. Which was very true mind you.
"I understand." she replied softly as she turned to leave but stopped when he heard his voice again.
"Wait...Ayanami...why did you come here for?"
She slowly turned around until she was staring into his beautiful brown eyes.
"I." she slowly started. "I came to ask you something...that I do not understand"
Shinji had a mild look of surprise on his face that said 'At 3 o'clock in the morning???' as he replied.
"Ok then, what would you like to ask me?"
"The same question I asked you after the attack. Why do you care for me?"
Shinji had a stupefied look on his face.
^ Damn, and I thought I had gotten away from the question...Apparently she still remembers...what to say...what to say...what to say...^
As he quietly contemplated on what he would respond to the mysterious blue haired beauty standing in front of him Rei took the chance to look over his apartment noticing the vast difference between his and hers. Evidently, he and the captain did not share the same view of simplicity that she did. She also noticed that they had a...penguin living with them.
^ How odd ^ she thought with small interest as she remembered reading about them once in a textbook at school when the teacher had decided to give them a break from the 'Second Impact' lecture. However, according to what she read, they were supposedly cold blooded animals that lived in the southern continent of Antarctica. Or whatever remained of it after the Second Impact that is.
"I do not know how to explain." he finally blurted out. "It is just a feeling that I have about you that makes me care for you" he said and his cheeks flushed slightly.
"Feeling?" her cool voice inquired.
"Yes.."
"What is a feeling? Pilot Ikari" she whispered.
NOW Shinji was shocked.
"What do you mean what is a feeling??? Don't you know???"
"I don't feel" she confessed.
"Of course you do Ayanami!" he literally cried out a little too loud. "Every single living being on the face of this God forsaken planet has feelings, even animals!"
"Then maybe I have not discovered my feelings yet" she concluded as she turned to leave again but was stopped again but this time however, by his firm grip on her hand.
Rei blinked in surprise as she turned around to face the boy who had held her hand...no...he was STILL holding her hand. No one in her lifetime had ever touched her whenever it was unnecessary, not Doctor Akagi, none of her classmates, not even the Commander. But here he was, holding onto her arm as he slowly inhaled air to say what he wanted to say.
"I...can help you Ayanami"
"There is nothing you can help me with Pilot Ikari" she replied with an icy tone, evidently not exactly happy that she was experiencing unnecessary physical contact for the first time in her entire life.
Shinji winced at her cruel words but they only made him tighten his grip on her delicate and after a while as he noticed very soft arm. He genuinely wondered how someone as delicate as her was able to pilot an evangelion.
"I can help you discover your feelings" he said with a little more confidence in his voice.
Rei was only able to stare at him.
"Why would you do something like this Pilot Ikari? It has no benefit towards you"
Shinji winced again as he noticed the way this girl was brought up. But his resolve did not fade a tiny bit.
"I'm doing this because I care for you" he said slightly proud of himself for being so direct to the girl standing in front of him that was ALWAYS direct.
"And you do not know why you care for me, as it is just a feeling. And you want to help me discover these feelings. Why?"
Shinji cringed this time inside AND outside.
^ Man, why is she doing this ^ he thought furiously as he thought again for an excuse.
Finally, he said the three words that made the most sense to him at the current situation.
"Why not? Ayanami?" he asked her softly as he lessened his tight grip on her arm as it didn't seem she was going anywhere soon. How wrong he was.
She pulled free from his grip and left his apartment leaving a stunned Shinji standing there at the doorway staring at her retreating figure. However, after a few seconds of thinking he quickly raced out the door slamming it shut as he took off after her. It didn't take him long to catch up to her. Even though she was fit form all the swimming that she did, she did not compare to him when it came to sprinting.
It was starting to rain.
Heavily.
This time, he grabbed BOTH her arms and turned her around to face him.
"Ayanami!" he shouted angrily. "Why won't you let me help you???"
Rei just stared into his brown eyes as if doing so would relate the answer to him. They stood there for three minutes...in the pouring rain before she finally decided to answer him.
"I am nothing."
This brought tears flowing to Shinji's eyes although if Rei hadn't been watching them carefully she would have missed the tears because of the rain. She realized that he was crying for her again. Why? She kept asking herself.
^ Father...what have you DONE to Rei you bastard! ^ He mentally shouted at his father.
^ You have made her an emotionless doll damnit! ^ he shook as he cursed his father in his mind while Rei continued stare at him not knowing what to do.
The rain continued to pour.
"Ayanami...you say that you are nothing...but to me...you are someone that I care for" he choked out between his fits of shaking with anger towards his father.
Rei was once again at a lost of words for what to say. She had never encountered such a situation on where someone would openly express feelings to her like this. It was an entirely new concept. She had to admit, it was unnerving to see the boy in this state, not to mention they were still standing in the middle of the sidewalk in the pouring rain. But deep down inside, she felt warm.
^ It's that warmness again ^ she realized. ^ The same warmness I felt after the attack when he helped me get out of the entry plug. ^
They continued to stand there, staring deep into each others eyes while the rain poured down on them.
Finally, Rei shivered from the coldness, an action not unnoticed by Shinji. He let go of her left hand and led her by her right hand down the street not saying a single word as they trekked across the deserted streets. Not a sound could be heard besides the rain that hit the sidewalk that they were walking on. They passed building after building, hand in hand, silently, walking.
It wasn't until they entered the building did Rei notice that he had brought her back to her own apartment. He silently led her to her own room. Room 402 it read as he opened it. Knowing that there wouldn't be a lock as she did not deem it necessary.
After they were inside he let go of her hand and turned to face her, finally ready to say the speech that he had prepared on their walk to her place.
"Ayanami, I know that you have grown up with my father, a man who has killed his own emotions only God knows how long ago. But I want you to know this, you are not a no-one. You are a human being. You are you. You are Rei Ayanami, age 14, pilot of Unit 00, living in Tokyo 3. You have to eat and sleep just like everyone else on this world. And since you are a human being, you also have feelings. I know that you haven't yet discovered these feelings or maybe you just do not like showing them to people. Either way it doesn't have to be like this. At school you look alone, even when you're talking to me you look lonely. I see it in your eyes. Why you won't release your emotions I don't know. I want to help you but you won't let me, something must have happened to you for you to behave like this but I don't know and I will never know because you won't open up to me. I can't help but think that this is my father's fault for raising you like this. Even if my mother died it is no excuse for him to have done this to you. Since he was my father I felt it was my responsibility to help uncover the emotions you have in you since he has obviously made you cover them up. But I was wrong. Until you learn to open up to people around you then you'll never to feel. And if that happens then you WILL be the doll that people in school call you. I thought that I could help you overcome this barrier, and I was wrong. All I can hope now is that you come back to your senses and don't let my father brainwash you with his ideas on how you should be."
He turned around and left her apartment and slowly began to walk back to his own place.
^ I didn't know I was capable of being so direct ^ he thought to himself feeling proud of himself. He seriously wished that the girl would take her mask off. He genuinely did, but he wouldn't be able to help her with that. It was something she had to do by herself. However, he couldn't help but feel guilty at being so harsh to her. He shook the thoughts out of his head.
^ It was for her own good ^ he told himself as he finally reached his own place. But as he walked up the stairs the sense of guilt kept growing. It grew to the point that by the time he reached his door he was angry at himself for being so harsh and blunt on a person who didn't know better. It wasn't her fault, it was his father's. He should be there teaching her how to open up and instead he had just let his steam intended for his father upon her. Man he felt guilty and started to walk back to her apartment.
He exited the building and noticed that it was still raining outside.
It was still raining.
^ I wonder when it will stop ^ he thought silently as he picked up his pace into a run.
Rei Ayanami stood at the door, shock etched all over her face from the brutality of Shinji's words. She did not know that he was capable of being so direct.
However, the words had hurt and she felt a pang in her heart when he had said these to her and felt the pang turn into hurt as he had left.
"Now even Ikari hates me." she whispered silently to herself as the shock wore off.
She slowly walked over to her bed not caring about the state that she and her clothes were in, in other words wet. She slowly descended down on the bed and surprisingly began to cry.
She felt her eyes well up and let the tears slide down.
^ Tears ^ she thought in her mind as she slowly closed her eyes and let the sounds of the rain drops against the roof disappear entirely from her ears.
Shinji was outside of the room 402 once again. This time, panting and heaving from the efforts of not only running through the wind and the rain on the streets, but from running up all the flights of the stairs.
^ What a night this turned out to be ^ he thought glumly as he stared at the door.
Knowing that it was inevitable, he knocked at the door softly.
No one answered.
He knocked again, this time a little harder than the first time.
Again, no answer.
He sighed as he realized that she wasn't going to answer, he slowly put his hand on the door knob and turned it.
Rei opened her eyes as she heard the sound of her door open. But she did not care anymore.
^ Even Ikari-kun hates me now ^
The words bounced around inside her head but never disappeared. Reappearing again...and again...and again.
^ Even Ikari-kun hates me now ^
She hadn't meant for the night to turn out like this...she really hadn't. She had wanted to find out more about herself and her relation to Shinji but had been afraid.
Afraid.
Fear.
Fear of what would happen when she did uncover her mask that she tried so hard all these years to keep on. The mask that the Commander had told her to put on in order to avoid harassment and being bothered by other 'unnecessary' people.
Her thoughts finally returned to the matter of the person at the door, but she did not find the strength in herself to get up and confront whoever it was. She was weak.
If it was a burglar there was nothing for him or her to take. If it was someone that had come to rape or kill her...so be it.
She slowly closed her eyes again as she waited for whoever that had entered her apartment to make their presence known.
Shinji slowly breathed as he sighted Rei's form huddled up on the bed. However, the sight of her shaking the way she was was disturbing.
^ She's mad at me, she doesn't want to see my face ^
He slowly turned around to exit her apartment again but stopped when he heard a sob.
He gasped and looked at Rei's form to see that she was visibly shaking...and it wasn't from the cold. The sobs continued but Shinji couldn't see the tears as her back was turned towards him. He slowly willed himself forward to the side of the bed that she faced. True enough, even though her eyes were tightly shut he could easily see the tears that now streamed down her beautiful face.
He hung his head in shame. Out of all of the things that he had wanted to do when he came to Tokyo 3, hurting Rei was definitely not one of them. And now he felt like scum. How he wished that she would stand up and slap him, yell at him, or even tell him to go away. Anything. Anything to tell him that he was garbage for hurting her. But nothing ever came. She just continued to lay there...still shaking...and still crying.
Finally, Shinji couldn't take it anymore.
"Rei." he said softly, not even realizing that he had just used her first name.
She opened her eyes and brushed away her tears so they would not blur her vision. And it turned out that her ears had not deceived her. Shinji had come back. But why? She got up and wiped the remaining of her tears away and turned to face him.
"Yes?" she asked softly, the pain in her voice so evident that someone half deaf would have been able to hear it.
Shinji fell onto his knees and started crying all the tears that had built inside him for the past 14 years. He continued sobbing as the rain outside intensified even more with an added effect of lightning and thunder.
Slowly raising his eyes to meet hers he was finally able to say what he wanted to say.
"Ayanami...I am so sorry."
"I am so sorry for all the terrible things I said to you earlier. Ever since I was a child my mother had died in a test with the Evas. Ever since then my father's emotions died with her and he left me with one of my old teachers that he trusted to raise me. When he called me back, I thought it was because he was sorry for what he had done and had wanted to apologize and take me back. But I wrong...again. He called me back because I had a use. He wanted me to pilot Unit 01. When I refused he ordered me to leave. I was so sad then, I would have left Tokyo 3 forever and not come back. But then he told you to pilot, and when I saw you all hurt and bleeding from injuries you suffered before I felt that I had to stay. I had to stay to pilot so that you would not have to. If I piloted and u didn't, then you wouldn't get hurt again like you were before. When you fell into my arms and were in pain I felt my heart break. I decided I would stay. Not to please my father, and not to gain any recognition for piloting an evangelion. I would stay to protect you. But I haven't been doing a very good job on protecting you. Your life was put in danger because of my incapability to fire the positron rifle at the angel. And now I just hurt you again."
He couldn't continue his speech as his will finally gave in to the grief he had inside him and a new river a tears gushed out from his eyes again.
Rei stared at him in shock. She had never expected him to come back to see her again, and now all this. All these things that he told her, what did they mean? Was this what he called 'opening up'? She did not know, because she had never been told. But in a situation like this, she knew what to do.
She kneeled down in front of him and lifted his chin up so that she could look at him in the eye. At first he was hesitant to open u his eyes, but after a little while he opened up his eyes and almost died of shock.
Kneeling down in front of him, in her very wet school uniform, was Rei Ayanami.
Smiling at him.
^ That smile...the same smile she did for me after the attack of the fifth...the smile that she didn't even give to my father...her smile...for me...^
As the realization hit him hard and fast that she did in fact care for him, he couldn't take it anymore.
He lunged at her and wrapped his arms around her in a tight embrace. Sobbing as hard as the rain was pelting the windows just outside. The thunder rolled on as both of the children let out their tears, crying for all they were worth.
When the crying finally subsided Rei took the initiative of speaking to him.
"Ikari-kun" she whispered.
"Yes? Ayanami?"
She inhaled and exhaled as she chose her words carefully.
"Ikari." she started
"Shinji" he interrupted her.
"."
"Call me Shinji" he quietly said.
She nodded ok.
"Shinji."
"Yes Rei?"
The surprise showed on her face as he used her first name, but nevertheless, she continued on.
"I want to feel."
Shinji felt the tears brim to his eyes again.
"You are crying again...Shinji...why are you sad?"
Shinji placed one finger on her lips to silent her before he gave her his answer.
"People cry for two reasons Rei. One reason is because of sorrow, which we both experienced now long ago." He took a pause to make sure that she was following along and continued when she nodded.
"And sometimes, people cry for joy." he stated "like I am doing now."
Rei felt her own tears rise to her eyes as she finally understood the true meaning of his words.
This time, she was the one to throw herself at him and embrace him as tight as she could, as if he would disappear the minute she released her grip on him. He was only too happy to oblige and held onto her tightly too.
"I want to feel." she whispered one more time into his ear as they slowly fell asleep on the floor in each other's arms.
And outside.
The rain stopped.
To Be Continued.
A/N: Well well, I definitely hoped that this was an improvement from my prologue. I think I might be starting to get a hang of this. I realize that I went way OCC in this chapter for both Rei and Shinji in this chapter especially Shinji. As it is evident in the series that he would not have the guts to do what he did in this chapter. However, you have to realize that when you're mad or sad you just don't behave how you usually do...you should all know that. Therefore when he heard her say that she was nothing and had no feelings, his anger for his dad exploded and so did his sympathy for her and thus you get the result of the Shinji speeches. Perhaps this should have been put in the prologue, I'm not sure but in the next chapters ( no I don't know how many I will do anymore, I originally planned to just do 6 but with the short length of these chapters I might have to go longer than that ) I will have it go normally as it goes through the series but of course with a change of their feelings towards each other and others including Asuka. They will continue their fights with the angels and everything and I don't know if I should go to the end of episode 26 or go all the way past 'End of Evangelion'. Really don't know, and I would appreciate it if you guys gave me a mail or in the review board on which one I should do. I'll try to get the chapters up fast if you guys are even reading them hehe...Don't expect anyone to read this stuff I'm typing out...far from the quality works that some people out there are putting on the screens. But anyways...I really appreciated the review I received and I'll ask you again to review cuz I want to hear from you guys what you think of my writing.
Till the next chapter! Ja-ne!!
TrentNight liquid_vivi@hotmail.com